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itsalwaysforyou · 5 months

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jay not asking coach about letting lonnie onto the team bc he doesn’t want to do anything coach might disagree with…….

#‘coach trusts me…’ like what if i cried #man i wish they made more of a thing of jay being TEAM CAPTAIN #<- i’ve made a post before abt how easily he gives it up & jay not liking positions of power etc etc #but i do think he treats the role like it could be taken away at any moment #coach TRUSTS him. holy shit coach trusts him #the first positive adult figure in his life trusts him to take care of the team #train them and critique them and lead them to victory #and coach probably wouldn’t have cared abt lonnie being on the team #but jay is sooooo hesitant to ask #coming from the ‘if you want it take it and if you can’t take it break it’ guy #like this is the one thing he doesn’t want to risk breaking…….#and then obviously he gives it up!!!!!#he gives up the thing coach TRUSTED HIM WITH bc it was the only way to let lonnie on the team #& mr ‘my only dislike is women being unhappy’ was like I CANNOT REST UNTIL LONNIE IS ON THE TEAM #it’s suchhhhh a sweet gesture not only from a hashtag feminism standpoint #but also character wise for jay #like this precious thing that coach has trusted him with but didn’t really want that much anyway…..#it’s going to mean more to lonnie if she had it. even though it means everything to jay #oh it makes me crazy #damn my mum was right. i think too deeply about things #im like i analyse things a normal amount and then i’m writing essays about 1 line from descendants 2 #I AM UNWELL #anyway. jesus christ #descendants #jay son of jafar #EDIT i’m not finished actually #do you think jay fears the repercussions? what would happen if he went against coach’s word?#bc sure. he knows coach is nice. he knows auradon isn’t like the isle #but. ‘you don’t want to be at my house at dinner time’…….#he is still scared of his dad. you know. he can never get the lamp he can never do anything right

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my-thoughts-and-junk · 3 months

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i have to think about chilchuck and laios forever

#random thoughts #dungeon meshi #the fact laios is holding back so much anger and he's the one who chilchuck lets out so much of his anger on #like you've seen how many times he beats on him and degrades him and laios just takes it #they're both holding so many secrets from their party like???#chilchuck's entire personal life. laios's interest in monsters and kensuke.#the fact laios somehow hid his interest in eating monsters from the entire party before this???#laios is estranged from his parents and very close with his sister. chilchuck is estranged from his wife and very close with his daughters #chilchuck thinks laios knows him better than anyone else in the party. chilchuck canonically thinks laios is dangerous and unreasonable #which like? reductive but accurate.#laios holds the lives of those he cherishes above all else. the world could go to hell for all he cares as long as those he loves are safe #chilchuck fears intimacy and could never admit how much he values the people around him unless under severe threat #god. i have to read dungeon meshi again. i need to analyze them #one self-sacrificing dumbass and one self-preserving selfish dumbass #laios has problems putting his needs first when it comes to those he loves. i can easily see that conflicting with chilchucks selfishness #i do think after chilchucks failed marriage he would become more hypervigilant in his relationships once he allows himself to date again #like he doesn't necessarily understand what he did wrong but he knows he did something #god the irony of someone so perceptive failing to recognize his wife's needs #imagining chilchuck recognizing laios is not satisfied by something and he asks him abt it and laios is like 'no im fine dont worry abt me'#like fully sincere. laios is used to denying himself what he needs for others #ran away from home when falin was being mistreated. sacrifices his body in the end when he becomes The Big Guy #suppresses himself to try and make others like him more or at least dislike him less #do you think he'd suppress himself at first when in a relationship with chilchuck out of fear of driving him away #chilchuck's perception vs laios's poor masking fight fight fight #god they both fear each other leaving. laios because he fears being like his father and driving chilchuck away like his dad drove him away #and chilchuck because his wife left him and he didn't fully understand Why.#the fact chilchuck thinks laios should act like more of a leader. do you think he fears becoming a poor leader like his dad?#chilchuck trusts and values laios as a leader and that scaring the shit out of both of them 👌👌👌#this is why they're switches okay

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rainingincale · 25 days

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#its really weird you know #like ive kinda distanced myself from a lot of interactions #but when i do talk to people #and just to see how removed they are from politics etc #im not wording this very well but examples are just #me casually tutting when labour are mentioned #to be asked if i dont like them #and im like yeah i hate them. especially kier starmer.#and theyre like nodding along. but then to be diplomatic (this person was english) i say that i do like certain labour mps though like zarah #sultana etc #and the blank look i got. like idk. im probably just very online but this is someone whos educated and has a good job. so i just kinda #assumed theyd be a bit mroe aware of whats going on?#and then another person #i mentioned how theres books for kids about palestines history #i didnt mention anything else #and just... kinda silence. like a head nod and then convo moved on #and again i could just be over analysing but it almost felt like they didnt wanna talk about it because they didnt know/care?#which maybe. but i just kinda feel like at this fucking point. how can you not know.#i dont get how people are just so unaware of whats going on in the world around them. especially when its things that do indirectly affect #them. when it comes to people being incriminately harmed and murdered #like i dont think these people are against palestine or big labour fans etc etc either #but its just the blissful ignorance #idk maybe im just jealous tbh. because this shit haunts my every waking moment. the thought that theres so many bigoted and ignorant people #around the world scares me. and i never want to be one of them #this is such a jumbled ramble #but alas #le text post

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girlcrushau · 6 months

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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment #i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating #there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2 #months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it #not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him #in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if #he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone #and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think #there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy #your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly #so last night #i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart #until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent #that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real #did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart #and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about #and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in #which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever #it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the #reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying #not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me #that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs #he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am

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hecksupremechips · 7 months

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Posts about bpd need to stop being so damn relatable to me 🤨

#listen im not saying i must have bpd cuz of a bunch of relatable tumblr posts dont clutch your pearls on me #but hm im starting to get suspicious ajsjk #just been spending these past few months really digging into my deeply repressed memories and emotions and i keep discovering more and more #fucked up shit lol like first its being forced to acknowledge that i have a bit more than some ‘minor trauma’#and that ive actually just been like horribly abused like. my entire life and still am 😟#then it was like really trying to think about myself and what ive done to cope with abuse and like ive constructed an entire person #to just live as whenever im in the abusive situations and when i was removed from the situation for the first time ever #i had like a huge crash a huge crisis i both functioned way better than everyone said i would like suspiciously better #but also way worse at the same time #i could handle all the responsibilities of living alone i never once felt scared or homesick i was clean i was efficient i used money wisely #but i also felt like i was dying and i couldnt function when my persona dropped #cuz i didnt need to be that person anymore i could finally be me but then like. who even is me ive never gotten to find out #i dont know basic ways to behave i still have no clue how to exist or what i truly want vs what i pretended to want #its all completely muddled and its hard to explain that i cant tell whats genuine with me and whats fake #cuz ive been forced to live the fake shit my entire life you know? ive had to and i had to accept it #ive never gotten to make any of my own actual decisions and at the same time i have to decide everything for everyone else #im the parent of my parents but never was the child and the child is still there asking for attention but no one is there #then you know i had to return to the abuse and so its like i did get to taste freedom but not for long and i spent all my time in that #crisis mode so it wasnt exactly a fun filled time but being back here is much worse than before cuz now i know whats happening #and how i have to perform and its like how do i discover anything about myself in this kinda environment and no one understands the turmoil #the reason why something simple like wearing different shoes is so impossible for me #its just a horrible environment to be in i am in hell constantly ive no clue whats happening and im very obsessive over everything #aaaaghhhhhhh help girl help lol

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tkbrokkoli · 9 months

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i can start T today 🥳

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heirofnepeta · 1 year

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Heyyyyyyyyyy do ANY of y'all who follow me play Warframe and by chance have an Octavia Prime Chassis blueprint you're willing to sell to me and if so what's the uh. price?

#im too scared to uh. use warframe.market or trade chat #i got the systems and neuroptics blueprints which are building rn and ive got a couple relics to crack that might give me the Octavia Pr Bp #if i dont get the actual octavia prime blueprints ill have to sell some shit to get enough platinum to buy that too #but for now im gonna hope i get them and just buy the chassis #so uh #any of yall got one?#also i should um. say #i only have 13 platinum to offer #which SEEMS to be a bit above average for what it goes for (from Warframe.market [I could be wrong as always])#anyways if one of yall dont have it could you at least teach me how to trade effectively? im scared but willing to learn :3 #i should probs maintag this as warframe so maybe someone who doesnt follow me can help #warframe #also uhhhhh dm me if you have one and will take my 13 plat for it #ill tell you my ingame name and we can figure it out from there #ok? ok #also sorry if im asking for too much for too little plat idk how the market is on Octavia Prime Chassis blueprints aside from looking at #warframe.market yknow?

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cherry-shipping · 1 year

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i think its awesome how every single one of my f/os, romantic or otherwise, would smoke weed with me EXCEPT dave. hed joke about it but if i asked him he would be so fucking scared. mf would never

#and thats MY TRUTH!!!!!!!#like i ask him and he says yes out of instinct so i set everything up and start to just like walk him through the basics #but he just chickens out. he does NOT smoke WEED im SERIOUS!!!!!!#hes scared little scared idiot baby little fucking loser cant pick up a blunt #he wishes he could cause its cool or whatever but he could never. or alternafively he doesnt get affected due to adhd #but hes too scared to say anything so he just. pretends #i dont care if this is ooc maybe he smokes when hes older but if you asked him before like 25 hed be so scared #cherry chats #im going to bed. im just mourning the 2g i LOST awhile back #like i just. forgot where i put it. and i havent been able to find it so i havent gotten high in like. months LMFAO #shit lets be rails ill be the shoosh to your pap #that said i bet he loves messing with me while im high. hes like the worlds trolliest trip sitter #and by troll i obviously dont mean the. homestuck kind. whatever you get it #hed think thats so fun hes so great

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discountwives · 1 year

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so glad my coworker and i find our other coworker a lil creepy im still weirded out by how touchy he is w/ all the girls (+ me bc closeted) but hes like EXTRA friendly to me and ik its not just in my head bc she pointed out how friendly he is w/ me like brother dont try it im bigger and faster than you leave me alone pls be normal

#i always have the issue of being 'one of the boys'. loving it until a guy does some fucked up shit.#at my old waitressing job i was like. the only girl that could 'work like a guy' bc. strong and broad #so theyd treat me like a guy (secretly gender affirming but w/e)#there was one cook in the back who would play too fucking much and make mean ass comments to me #saying that i look old w/ my glasses and how i shouldnt have cut my hair. telling me 'you shouldve asked me first i wouldve stopped you'#before i cut my hair it was p long and hed pull my ponytail and just hold it while i carried all the utensils and shit #i didnt say anything bc i was like. scared to + the job i had before that was worst so i was like ok #god i hate working i just wanna #i can finally krill myself!!!!!#*breaks chains*#jude jests 🃏#im p vocal ab stuff so i told most of my coworkers ab it so theyre aware of it/ understand why id report him lol #hes nice but hes too friendly. its not inappropriate but its uncomfortable lol #anyways hey #sorry i genuinely like my job and my coworkers i just have a few that are Odd

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storm-of-silver · 1 year

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POINTS AT YOU

hi

tell me a fact about final light that you're really excited about so far in development. it can be anything

EHEHE HI!!!!

Development-wise, not so much sadly. I'm learning about UI and dialogue systems atm and I'm thinking of reusing an old WIP I had to test it out, learn, and practice, but otherwise not much on the FL project itself. Just a bunch of learning and tutorials. I've been chipping away at 3D models too but my laptop hates blender with a passion.

Future Development-wise, I really really want to see the story tunnels in-game. There's a few areas I can vividly imagine and I really can't wait to realize in a game (the Colony of Fireflies and Bone territories), but I want the story tunnels to answer a few questions the player might have about the world and it's past, since from the entrance to the end it's just full murals of the history of the colonies. I also just want it to look cool y'know.

The Commander's Maw is also high up on the 'I want to see this in-game' since it's a camping/shelter location- when the player finds a shelter to stay at, they'll be able to roam the shelter to craft, talk to their follower, organize inventory, etc. So, they'll be able to sit at the maw's opening and look over the entirety of the world there. The Colony of Clicker's settlement would also be a shelter but since there's protection (clicking ones) you'd be able to roam the entire settlement- I really want to push the idea that this is a thriving community that is actually living rather than just surviving.

Super super small thing-wise but I'm still somewhat excited about? I'm close to getting the full character roster filled out, and completing the goal of having almost every character gotten for free. I just got two new characters with super nice art, which I'm also happy about!! This would mean only Arrow and Frost of Heather wouldn't be entirely free- I got those two in exchange for some art I did for their original owner.

Prophet of Opossum (left) is by Buzzing_Honey_Bee on TH, and the guy on the right (no name yet sadly) is by @/ribtear!

#sil speaks #ask #final light #multi #thinking orange guy might go in the colony of clickers since im trying to spread out pelt colors evenly #I've (surprisingly) kept the old wip bin pretty empty despite having access to coding abilities and unity LMAO. Theres only 2 in there and #i have the FULL intention of returning to them eventually.#The mysterious old wip was a sci-fi text game. I made it when i was just getting into the more advanced coding stuff and i made it in pygam #not. unity. the code is NOT commented and honestly it scares me. its like an eldritch being hiding on my computer #I probably wont post about it here unless it becomes its own thing (if u know me on discord u may ping me for the Secret Sci-fi Lore tho)#the second wip was a roguelike where a rabbit god of rebirth traps you in a time loop bc it was dying. You had a week to make a party and #lvl them up to save the god. End of the week you were sent back and lost most progress but you kept all knowledge you had. It was sorta lik #darkest dung*on. censoring it just to avoid putting this in the DD tags lol. You'd get characters who would show up and you'd learn about #them each loop and you'd have to piece together how to complete their personal quests so that they could get boosts n shit.#I might actually post some of the concept art i did for this one bc i based the Squirrel god in FL HEAVILY off of the rabbit god #also because i just like the art lol

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dirt-str1der · 2 years

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I keep thinking about the mechanics for how to make kazumaji happen outside of adrenaline fuelled lovemaking , like obviously majima isnt going to solicit him for an actual relationship because whatever they have going on is already more than he expected to get because majima isnt a wanting man he gets dealt his hand then he plays (plus hes waiting for someone else , he cant leave and have his story end with kiryu , they both know this) , kiryu isnt a wanting man either i mean not for his love life but you know this guy fights like hell to get what he wants. He doesn’t exactly have a problem pulling girls but its the commitment after thats the issue , he always has someplace to be thats not here no matter how suave and charming he is youre gonna be wondering why he ghosted you for three years then find out he just got released from prison the point is that he doesnt follow through. Once youre done with him then youre done and very rarely is he gonna come back (unless he wasnt actually done with you). Majima offers to help him out in osaka and kiryu says no no no see ive left you behind i have to live this next chapter of my life properly now , without you. He has this inability to understand that people want to spend time with him thats not him helping them / repaying him a favour / working together to achieve a common goal. You literally cant assume he’ll be around you really have to cling tight or he’ll find some reason to fuck off and by then you cant even ask him to stay because Shit is it a good reason. Y0 nishiki got so so fucking close to showing kiryu he didnt need to have any redeeming qualities for people to like hanging out with him. He didnt need to be fun or like to party or entertaining at all , just him sitting quietly on a nearby barstool and maybe clapping along is enough to make his night fun as hell. Im sure kiryu realises that he can be distant and lack initiative , im sure this self awareness has convinced him that hes an undesirable long term romantic partner , and majima fucking up big time with mirei also forces him to internalise the fact that hes not a good partner either. So the two of them have to really really Really want something to start it because otherwise theyd be gracefully and expertly sidestepping any mention of commitment , pirouetting around the word “partner”, assuming they’ve made things clear when no discussion had taken place. They dont figure it out because its obvious to everybody thats not them, all the thinly veiled offers to be useful to each other, the leaning forward when they speak to each other , the open mouthed kisses with tongue , they want each other. More than one time , more than This... but how does one communicate something they havent realised yet ...

#Yakuza loveblog #now hear me out .. kiryu only asks girls out but he wont say no if a guy (he likes) solicits him (if its a guy he doesnt like hed be like #EW !! no !!! <- using his homophobic voice) so bear with me. kazumaji can happen the moment kiryu realises that majima is a girl #i like tht kiryu isnt interested in long term relationships but also hes kind of horny. a barker would be like Hey ! you look like you have #big muscles / a deep voice / masculine energy Sir do you want to HAVE SEX ? And kiryus like Now you got me interested #girls will sexually harrass him but guys on the street will tell him shit like Im a straight man but ....#anyway i believe that majima has to get the ball rolling before kiryu can take it the whole way because he decides that he loves this a lot #i think that they should book a hotel room in osaka for about two to three hours (kiryu is not going to risk doing it in the orphanage) and #kiryu loves him enough to tell him i cleaned my ass for this <3 and when majima is sack deep he asks if kiryu has had any girlfriends since #leaving tokyo (he cares a lot. he would be happy if kiryu got a girlfriend to take care of him) and he laughs and asks him how the hell hes #supposed to get a girlfriend while taking care of nine kids and besides .. he only likes him. right now kiryu only likes majima ...#i think he might cry from being told that. i really think he likes kiryu a ridiculous amount and it made him melt to hear that #sometimes a home is a person because you can come inside #and the only thing kiryus waxing is poetic hashtag bush nation #im not done. sorry for signing off. i believe that majima doesnt get jealous he might get a bit melancholy but he wont lash out because #kiryus ‘seeing some other girl’ he would totally ship them forgive my phrasing hed be the best wingman ever he would also drill kiryus #partner like hiiii so this is the lucky lady <3 and conduct a full background check on her just to be safe. kiryus precious to him he #gotta scare her a bit. let her know just how important kiryu is to him and how sharp his knife is haha take it easy though. hope you make #him happier than i could. i think their relationship will always skew one way with majima knowing everything about kiryu and kiryu knowing #very little about majima. he would be surprised to learn that majima is divorced. he was surprised to know that majima had a brother #in a better universe kiryu would have been able to identify saejima by description alone. as it stands i think he might have had an inkling #looking at ... ‘suzuki’ and thinking majima had a brother in prison .. hmmm ... somehow this guy reminds me of him ..... somehow #anyway he knows majima doesnt like to talk about it so he forgets his past and takes him as he is now. doesnt ask where all those scars on #his wrists came from. doesnt ask about his ex wife. hes content to exist as they are and majima knows kiryu wont ask and he feels bad about #it because he thinks kiryu should know .. but the words dont come out and kiryu is always so understanding ...#i think saejima makes majima talk but thats cause hes big on communication. he squeezes it out of majima and he cries hearing what he was #put through and majima comes out of it raw but lighter. see saejima is his best friend but kiryu is his special baby boy the dont need to #they dont have to say anything theyre just here for the company #okay im done hii hiiiiiiiiii hiiiiiiii hi

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thequeenoffishburrito · 1 month

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I know if most people were given the chance to bring an extinct species back from the dead theyd probably choose the kuai'o'o bird and while realistically I probably would too, ngl I kinda want to bring back the titanaboa snake just to see it up close.

#and to see the havock it will reek on the land #ideally if i could tame the babe id use them to scare the shit out of politicians cuz aint nobody going to inact dumbass laws when this 5 f #girl is riding a GIANT ASS SNAKE THAT CAN AND WILL EAT YOU #wed be best freinds #theyll eat my enemies so i wont have to worry #if someone asks me where they went im like im sorry i dont contorl the snake and theyll have to leave me alonr cuz the snake will just be #looming over them #yknow i dont think my breif obession back from elemtary/ highschool with this extinct bigass snake ever went away now that i think about it #textpost #text post

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ribbonzregretz · 2 months

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posting so much rn bc im losing my grip on reality but i stay sillyyyyy

#i should make a new vent account #how silly can i stay until im not myself anymore #you guys would actually hate me if you knew the real me. youd all refuse to talk to me and youd hate me #i know you would. bc i know the true me and i fuckin hate him.#i keep thinking about killing myself. but i never actually do.#i set deadlines for it. i obsess over it and plan for it. and yet im too scared.#i cut myself again. i swore i wouldnt. not after the last relapse. but im a fucking liar.#i always wanna do it. but i promise people that i wont and so i pretend im above destroying myself til i cant take it anymore #im not ever gonna get out of here anyways. i dont know why i bother trying when i know ill end up dead before 25 either way.#i probably wont ever get to drink.#i wont ever get to move out. i wont get to know what feeling fulfilled and happy feels like #and even now i feel like shit bc im hoping that if i bother to write all this out #maybe someone will take pity on me and ask how im doing.#i should get a diary. or i could suck it up and talk to people like i oh so desperately want to. i wont do either #i hate to write. and i hate to worry people.

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aftermathing · 3 months

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#<< definitely did not just look at his bank account definitely is not genuinely vomiting irl rn probably unrelated tho #i don't do anything i don't go anywhere i don't even buy food . why am i still such a burden on society #i will never be able to have a job again. genuinely my body is too broken and disabled. just putting on my shoes causes so much pain #my parents think im faking i swear to god my sibling told me my mom asked them if they thought i was faking everything #it doesn't even get me any attention why would i fake this shit it hurts i can't do anything it's humiliating #i have . no money. i am . so scared.#im in too much physical and mental anguish to even do commissions . do you know the genuine despair i am in #i am at the whim of others more than i ever have been. and we all know how consistently willing people are to help me #that was sarcasm for the record i could and probably will rot here in this little room after begging friends/family and no one will notice #i will never be able to live alone i will never grow into a fully developed adult no matter how hard i try my brain and body are made wrong

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shoveitevil · 3 months

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gang im still as sad as i was b4 my birthday but in a new hopeful way with way more questions so that’s interesting

#ok tag rant ehheheheheheheh #ok as of i think feb-march this year i had accepted that i just wasn’t going to transition #that it just was too hard and too expensive and the privileges of being a cis guy esp in the work im going into #are just too great to throw away #this was the point that it was becoming more clear to me that if i really tried i could be a pretty man #i have a decent jawline decent skin im on track to be taller that 6 foot big chin #so i had just decided that when i graduate i was just going to act as if it was just a phase #yeah i would be miserable for all of my life but the alternative in my head was someone still miserable but also unemployed and ugly #i’d rather be miserable looking pretty than be miserable and ugly #but i saw a reel yesterday #and i’m always very vulnerable around my birthday so i was solacemaxxing #it was about someone detransitioning bcs they couldn’t get on hormones #and at this point i had just accepted the fact that i’d never transition and the idea of me continuing my life as trans hadn’t crossed #my mind in a while #but the reel kind of reminded me exactly what i was missing out on #if i had come out to my parents the moment i started to question my gender when i was 11 i could be passing as a woman already #and ik it’s not about passing n shit and like it’s about you and not your perception but like #idk what all the forums i look at don’t get but i don’t want to be trans i want to be a woman yk #anyways i looked into it and at 14 my voice has deepened but not too much #im 5’9 which for women makes me tall but model tall not freak tall #my shoulders haven’t broadened #if i come out soon and my parents are accepting and i can get on blockers #realistically i could be passing before i’m 18 #when i kind of got to that conclusion it kind of scared me yk but in a good way #and now i’m stuck with the same question i was asking almost exactly a year ago #is it worth the effort to transition

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elytrafemme · 3 months

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(kinda gets 18+ in tags srry. i never know how/where to talk abt it) and honestly it's never like i can pull up and talk about like, emotional abuse either. or like atmospheric triggers and shit. because talking about any of that is hard. but it's specifically fucking impossible to ever talk about sexual trauma to anybody ever, which is fucked because like... i'm trying and i'm doing good at it, i'm proud of myself, but it's so like. idk. when something dominates your entire life for an incredible critical five years of your life and entirely transforms how you approach anything it's like... i don't actually know how to express any of this at all. and i guess it's sometimes hard for people to get it. i dunno.

#neg #ask to tag #ok ill go to bed after this one its just like #thankfully im in a friend group that like. gets it #but even still ive never verbally clearly acknowledged thats what the anecdotes are about #and i mean its an open secret bc this one thing like. hit the fan. and my friends knew abt it #EVERYONE knew. and i realized only after that that it was like... actually a really bad thing maybe nobody should have known.#it's like that a lot. everyone sees it everyone knows it but it's kinda just me sweeping up the consequences #im very much a public vivisection case study of how like. nightmare sex explorations can go i guess #and maybe that's why i appeal to like anything in media talking about sex ever in a way thats kinda complicated #because like. yeah. i mean i lost any chance of getting to experience anything like that #i don't know. i have a really difficult time with processing this shit #which is crazy because like. idk if i ever said. but i think that was something nearly every alter in my head-#had in common. like not 2 of the 6 others. but the other 4 it was like at least somewhere a theme #which elt crazy. like so much for differentiation. but like. what else is there #i want to scream at ppl that this was my life this is all i fucking understood for ages #that i didnt realize it was bad until i saw what could be good #but you dont say that shit to people and im too fucking scared to say anything to my best friends so like #clearly nobody will know. n i just kinda have to live w that #that i can never have sex. and i can never really understand what goes on with it. that certain terms fly over my head #that i have to like latch on vice grip into fiction for it. because it never makes sense out of my own mouth #seriously if i need to tag this tell me i just dont know what the fuck to say

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