#you don’t know how long I’ve waiting for a good fucking sci-fi film

[allthefilmsiveseenforfree]

Old (2021)

Oh you guys. You guyyyyyys. Buckle the fuck up, I am so pumped to tell you about this absolutely GONZO mummified deuce of a movie. Spoilers will be had in this one, because you need to know everything. 

Old is the latest from M. Night Shyamalan and like....I think we all know M. Night’s track record. For every Sixth Sense, we also get a Happening or a Village. In some ways, he’s the most exciting director working today because every new film is a 50/50 coin toss, and mama loves living on the edge. The gist of this latest roll of the dice is that a group of different families who have all come to stay at a remote luxury beach resort get invited to go to a secluded private beach for the day, and after they arrive they discover they can’t leave. That’s not great, but the bigger problem is that they seem to be aging rapidly - like 2 years older every hour or so. That’s a solid “how are we gonna get outta this one” bottle episode premise, and in the hands of a better writer, it could be a fun sci-fi romp. M. is NOT that writer. 

Some thoughts:

I should have known it would all go wrong from the terrible foreshadowing starting at the very beginning scene. The mom of our main family, Prisca (Vicky Krieps) says “You have such a beautiful voice, I can’t wait to hear it when you’re older.” The dad, Guy (Gael Garcia Bernal) says, “Don’t rush this moment, enjoy the present while you can.” BECAUSE THE CHARACTERS WON’T BE ABLE TO LATER, DO YOU GET IT? dO yOU GEt iT? Wife leaned over and said “look at all the ferns - the oldest plants!” That last one was probably her projecting, but the point stands: there is nothing subtle about Old. 

There’s a lot of just like, shouting out loud the things that are currently happening onscreen. “She’s having a seizure!” “People who go back the way we came black out!” “The rust has entered your bloodstream; it acts like poison!” That’s how you tell stories, right? Just having characters point out events that are occurring right in front of their stupid fucking faces with no other commentary or reflection? 

An additional element that feels woefully ignorant at best and malicious at worst is the inclusion of a black male character (Aaron Pierre) who 1) is a rapper 2) is named Mid-Sized Sedan [I’ll give you a moment to deal with that detail emotionally] 3) says the single line of dialogue “Damn.” at least 4 times and 4) suffers the bloodiest, most violent onscreen death at the hands of a racist white man who is revealed to have paranoid schizophrenia. There are other gruesome deaths onscreen, to be sure, but the worst are body horror nightmares that could never occur in the real world - a woman whose bones are breaking and setting in the wrong position nearly instantaneously until she resembles a horrifying spider creature, and the aforementioned rust-in-the-bloodstream trick that leads to a Jeff-Goldblum-in-The Fly-bubbling-skin infection kinda deal. But Mid-Sized Sedan just gets stabbed in the chest repeatedly, brutally, a bunch of times by a white guy who pleads fear for his life even though MSS posed no danger to him, and it all happens onscreen when so many other characters are offered the mercy of offscreen deaths. I’m not sure if M. is trying to throw some real-world horror in and he’s just shit at it, or if it really didn’t occur to him how malicious this inclusion feels in a fantasy narrative, and I don’t really care. If you have a black character in your story and they die, you better think really long and hard about how it happens and what it means and it’s clear no one did that here.

Nothing to do with the film itself, but it did tickle me that someone brought a tiny infant to my pretty packed screening. The baby was very chill, thank goodness, and as far as I know did not age up to a kindergartner during the course of the film.

There is a Very Good Dog, a Yorkie, present for the first part of the film, but unfortunately the dog dies. It occurs offscreen, and given the premise of what’s going on on this beach, it’s not a shock when it happens BUT STILL. 

The old age makeup, at least on Prisca is pretty great. Good job makeup department!

At one point, Guy gets attacked by another beachgoer, and his eyesight is failing so he has a hard time fighting back. But you are surrounded by sand, my dude, and you can still see blurry shapes. You’re not gonna throw some sand in the eyes until you’ve been stabbed like 10 times? Not gonna try to push him down, or sweep the fucking leg, or do anything but just keep raising your arms and getting stabbed while yelling “I’ll protect you!” I’ve seen stale tuna sandwiches with better defense mechanisms than you. 

Like most fantastical premises, there are only a certain number of ways this narrative can end that really make any sense. It reminds me quite a bit of 2019’s Brightburn which was like “what if Superman but evil?” Either everyone is gonna die, or someone is going to improbably survive and you better have a real neat explanation for how that’s possible. Oh M. Night, when will you realize that your explanations are never as clever as you think they are? There’s no “twist” here really, simply a reveal, and it’s the equivalent of eating one of those sugar-free, gluten-free, egg-free, dairy-free snack cakes I broke down and ate out of desperation when I was on Weight Watchers. That shit is “food” in the same way that the climax is a “logical explanation for all this.” Big Pharma is luring sick people to the resort through targeted ads, then arranging these excursions to the wacky time beach in order to test how medicine they secretly slipped into the guests’ drinks works over decades of life. These sneaky medical breakthroughs are saving hundreds of thousands of people’s lives, we’re told, and the scientists offer a moment of silence for each fallen group of unwitting human lab rats after they inevitably die. Because if there’s one thing the world needs right now, it’s more distrust of pharmaceutical companies and the ethics of modern science! I can’t think of one possible reason we’d want to portray molecular biologists, immunologists, and virologists in a positive light right now, can you? When will those assholes get off their high horses and stop being universally trusted and beloved by everyone, am I right?? 

My saddest takeaway, tbh, is that this is a stacked international cast, with at least half the roles going to POC - this is the future liberals want, etc etc - and the result is THIS.

Did I Cry? Of course not.

Not all is terrible! It’s a beautiful movie to look at, because M. Night’s direction is never the problem, but combined with the script, the acting, and the absurd narrative leaps needed to make this story make even a little bit of sense, the whole thing turns into a mess. Unfortunately, getting Old with M. Night is less “leisurely retirement at a plush resort in Florida” and more “rancid can of Ensure and a poop-choked pair of Depends.”

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[samwontshare]

Black Widow Review I guess

Was Black Widow the send off movie for Nat that I wanted to see after Avengers 1 first dropped? No.

Did I really enjoy it anyway (with some criticisms)? Yes.

Here’s what worked and what didn’t work for me.

What worked for me:

-Yelena and Nat’s relationship carried this entire movie. It was start to finish a truly beautiful sister movie. Their relationship is so genuine and they have such a great connection on screen. The bickering! The older/little sibling dynamic is so powerful in this movie. Yelena’s need for Nat in her life, and Nat who suffered so much trying to just escape but her younger sibling was left behind. This was so painful and real for me as a survivor of childhood domestic violence - where my older sibling would often leave to protect himself, but then I was left behind to survive. It took me a long time to have empathy for him and his very real need to protect himself. Because we both were just trying to survive and it wasn’t our fault. I saw myself in Yelena and my brother in Nat’s decision to leave the Red Room. For them to come together to take down the Red Room together is just some beautiful, cathartic shit.

-Yelena. Every. Single. Thing. About. Yelena. The acting was just stunning - that Yelena has this childlike quality to her because for the first time, she can be a human being. She has beautiful character moments: fogging the glass, playing with her beer bottle, her enthusiasm for the vest with pockets she purchased AND modified thank you very much. Do I feel they dulled her trauma to keep the levity? Yes, but she still has some stunning moments of vulnerability - especially when she took her fake family to task and called out Nat for saying it wasn’t real. This was just *chef kiss* THE HEAD TOUCHES OMG.

-The found family dynamic. I think some folks might baulk at the forgiveness shown to the parental figures, but for me this rings true as someone again who experienced childhood violence. What’s often hard is that you feel such justified anger toward those who hurt you and didn’t protect you, but for many people (though not all) there is still a need to be loved by those people and you might still love them despite everything because there were good moments in all the horror. What I think actually made this work is that Melina and Alexei both took steps to correct their ways - they immediately helped the sisters. It spoke a bit on generational trauma - particularly re: Melina. Was it perfect? No. Do I think it will work for everyone? No. But I didn’t mind it. Damaged people trying to do better is my jam. And I was just happy Melina lived.

-The opening credits is one of the best things Marvel has ever done. Chilling.

-The humor. This shit was funny.

-The way it centered Yelena and Nat, women supporting women, and said fuck off to the male Avengers.

-This is unpopular but I was fine with Taskmaster. I remember Taskmaster from the Deadpool comics so I get why people are mad, but to me it threaded a nice loop in Nat’s story. Nat’s desperation to leave the Red Room and end her violence meant killing an innocent child - was it heroic? No. Was it human? Yes. Taking the time to make some amends there felt like nice closure, even if Antonia falls into one of my biggest issues with the film (see below).

-I’m glad Dreykov was an unexplained Bond villain with his ridiculous sky lair that everyone should have known about after NYC. Dreykov was symbolic for every shitty male abuser that’s plagued women. It ain’t about him. It’s about what he represented.

What didn’t work for me:

-How WOC showed up in the movie felt super uncomfortable. We see a Widow of color starting the movement to free the others, but she’s quickly dispatched and the job is taken over by two white women. There is a really horrifying scene where another WOC is forced by a white man to kill herself to further Nat’s horror about the situation. The only time in this movie WOC are on screen it’s to 1) die and 2) literally be brainwashed into servitude. There’s no agency for WOC in this movie and it sucks A LOT.

-That sort of plays into my other big problem with the plot and that was the whole brainwashing storyline. It fell really flat for me and I’ve been trying to figure out why. The movie started out really strong with the absolutely horrifying story of Nat and Yelena’s childhood and the opening credits that pull no punches about human trafficking and the literal child torture that takes place in the Red Room.

But the MCU once again proves it’s not ready to tackle deeper issues in their totality - they have to walk it back so it’s still the quippy, action oriented formula that makes every one a blockbuster. So instead of a story about the horrors of the Red Room and psychological conditioning of young trafficked girls into trained killers - and more importantly how those women still maintain their agency despite this, how they are survivors and how they break the chains of the Red Room to take their power back (a story much more grounded in real abuses), they put a sci-fi veneer over it.

Suddenly they’re trained assassins who are brainwashed into being trained assassins…? As if the horrors of the Red Room aren’t enough without the total removal of agency (and it’s handled with so much less grace than say Bucky Barnes’ experience, who breaks his own conditioning). The Widows spend the entire movie as nameless victims waiting for rescue and get absolutely no scenes of agency even when they’re freed.

To me, it undermined the whole trafficking commentary. They remained nameless. They remained victims. They remained waiting for rescue. But at least they’re not forgotten? Yeesh. It flattens the experience of real trafficked people and their resiliency. I think there was a way to both honor survivors and honor those who didn't survive and the movie didn't get that balance.

-I think a lot of other people have already pointed out that this movie feels like Black Widow 2 and we’re missing parts 1 and 3. Telling this story now is a let down. That Black Widow’s only movie is about passing the torch after she’s already dead is a disappointment (and that’s not a criticism of Yelena - who is pure gold in this movie). I left the movie still feeling like Nat herself was hollow, that she didn’t get the earnestness of Yelena’s character. She had an endearing moment of watching spy movies and a beautiful childhood opening and then she gets lost in her own movie bouncing from one fight to another. It was sad as hell. I wanted this to be about her time in the Red Room, her escape from the Red Room, her experiencing what it means to have freedom to decide.

-They really ruined that beautiful moment of Yelena mourning Nat with Val showing up. Look I don’t care if it would’ve been predictable, that movie would have hit harder if Nat whistled back. They didn’t even have to show her. It could have just ended that way.

Overall, I enjoyed it as a movie. I don’t know that I enjoyed it as Black Widow’s ONLY movie.

[killtheperfectfriends]

who am i?

okay, so honestly i’m not entirely sure WHO I AM, but i can do the basic thing where i share my favorite things to see if anyone else thinks i’m decently interesting enough to strike up a convo.

to keep things honest, i’m super nice but i’m also a dick. there’s no middle ground unfortunately lmfao.

i’m really big into journalism, i want to become a writer one of these days (which probably sounds insane because of my poor grammar, i know. i just don’t take the time to hit the caps lock every few seconds... bear with me). i’m a pretty average kid i think. i don’t do too much out of ordinary. i go to work, come home, hangout, repeat. 

anyway, i guess i’ll start listing shit lmfao:

music:

yea, so, my music is very open.

this is my go-to playlist for most days, it’s mostly nascar aloe than anything else: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2N6vljb4pHKPiupl4xPzGK?si=1cca9f45e7714a21 

this playlist.. i can’t tell if i’m the killer or the victim. but i feel like i’m in a horror movie that’s the only definite thing i know: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1BhkP55x0VWYdjrZ3DvtZX?si=72c36ade78b74134

this playlist makes me feel like life isn’t ALWAYS shitty, i listen to it for cleaning and when i’m at work most the time though: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5dLSqqyir8FozhrFeP0Bv2?si=11abd32821d247a4

shows:

these aren’t really out of orbit with each other TOO much, i watch a lot of the same shit over and over.

i just recently finished YOU, it was definitely one of the best series i’ve seen in a LONG time. 10.10 recommend watching it, ESPECIALLY if you like crime/murder shows. Joe, he’s a mixture of Dexter and Bundy i swear to god.

im STILL waiting for this one, but Stranger Things was another amazing series... so far, i recommend that if you’re into sci-fi, dungeons and dragons, conspiracy theories and the wrong people dying.

a series i could watch millions of times would be Shameless. idk how to describe that show other than by saying it’s fucking AMAZING. 45/10. i’d recommend this for anyone older than like 13, 14 maybe. idk what y’all have been able to see lmfao, i just know there’s a lot of naked. yuck.

another show i could rewatch zillons of times (minus season 10) would be American Horror Story. it’s just too good. 

movies:

lol, okay, so. as hard as this will be for me i’m gonna narrow the list down to 8 of my all time favorite movies.

starting off with:

The Fox and the Hound. this CLASSIC 1981 family movie has brought me so much happiness in my lifetime. copper was of course my favorite because i would easily kill for any animal but a BLOODHOUND?! it’s on sight at that point.

The Outsiders. what could go wrong with the 1983 classic of the Greasers and the Socs? this movie is one of my comfort movies. the casting is amazing, the script, everything. the best part of the entire movie is the bond between Johnny and Dally. they both deserved better.

The Nightmare Before Christmas: this movie, although it is one of my all time favorites is way too overrated. but this 1993 film was what brought my love for Tim Burton. it’s a great movie, for sure. but its not THAT good.

The Harry Potter Series: yes, it’s 89% for draco. these 2000s movies were literally perfect. the casting is wonderful, the scripting, the props, the cgi, all of it was perfect. fred and george deserved better.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: wide turn huh? i know. ANYWAY, although there’s a FUCK TON of adaptations done on these movies, my favorite will always be the one made in 2003, idk why. just is.

The Craft: THIS 1996 CLASSIC WILL FOREVER BE TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. “jealous? jealous! you don’t even EXIST to me!” will probably always live in my head rent free and i’m fine with that. although i loved Skeet playing in SCREAM he fucked with the wrong girl fr this time in this movie.

Labyrinth: this. movie. is. phenomenal. this 1986 classic will always play in the back of my head. david bowie was too good for this world, i can’t think of someone who could’ve played the goblin king better than him. the only downside to this movie are the Fireys. those things are scary ASF. (it’s the red fox lookin things that take their heads off). 

The IT Movies (1986, 2017, 2019): these movies are amazing, tim curry genuinely scared the shit out of me as a kid. 

random bullshit i feel anyone should know about me:

 I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOUR POLITICAL VIEWS ARE. YOU RESPECT ME, I RESPECT YOU.

I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOU IDENTIFY AS. YOU RESPECT ME, I RESPECT YOU. (PLEASE TELL ME SO I DON’T UPSET YOU).

I DO NOT CARE WHAT YOUR SEXUALITY IS. YOU RESPECT ME, I RESPECT YOU.

[thequibblah]

The prompt ‘you owe me a kiss now’. Any ship you like (or maybe Jily or Hinny). Waiting for it💗

anon: Hi! Come Together's slow burn is killing me in the best way, but it also has me positively craving for Jily fluff! Can I send in the “you owe me a kiss.” prompt for our fluffy needs? XD

no more prompts, please!

“Quick, fake money on the blonde telling Sirius to stuff it,” James says, jerking his chin at the bar, where his best mate is trying to chat a girl up.

Lily strokes her chin theatrically — or tries to. They’re more than a few drinks in. She winds up wiggling her fingers in the empty air a good few inches away from her face. 

“I am...pessimistic this evening. Five sand dollars.”

“Twelve Republic credits?”

“The sand dollar’s on the rise,” says Lily. “I’d call it at ten.”

Peter, who’s sitting opposite them at the table, is glancing between them with an expression of profound puzzlement. “Am I really drunk, or are you speaking your own language?” 

Neither of them respond, because James is snapping his fingers like he’s trying to remember something. Lily sits back in the booth and grins, eyebrows raised.

“Dirt,” he says at last, with extreme satisfaction. “At least eight dirts.”

Lily bursts into laughter. “Excuse me? In what fictional universe is dirt a currency?”

“I hope you didn’t miss that dirts is the plural,” says James. “That’s a crucial detail, that is.”

“All that thinking, and you end up with dirt—”

“It’s dirts,” he says, drawing out the s into a long hiss. Lily is laughing so hard that her eyes well up with tears.

“Right, I hate you both,” Peter announces. “And the blonde’s just walked away, so I’m gonna go console Sirius.” He leaves muttering something about wishing Remus were here.

Lily manages to stifle her laughter long enough to sound apologetic. “Bye, Peter.”

“Fork over the sand dollars, then,” James says, turning to face her properly. They’re on the same side of the booth, and the creaky old leather’s just about drowned out by the music as he shifts. 

She makes a show of searching her pockets. “I’m fresh out, sorry.”

“Do you have any—”

“Don’t fucking ask me if I have dirts, James—”

“—dirts, stop laughing, I’m serious, it’s from that sci-fi book thing. Remus told me so.” That is the closest James can come to empirical proof in this moment.

“Which one, you clown?”

“The one where he — surfs sand dunes or something—”

“Mad Max is a film series, not books—”

“No, no, hang on, that’s what it’s called.” James beams. “Dune. That’s what it is.”

Lily’s mouth hangs open for a few moments. “You think...the fictional currency in Dune, by Frank Herbert, is dirt. Dirts, plural.”

“Something like that.”

She mouths oh, my God. Speech has left her. 

James shrugs expressively. “Well, what is it, then?”

Lily frowns. “Spice? Yeah, that’s— It’s spice, i’m quite sure.”

“Spicies, plural?” James’s eyes are wide with innocence, bright with suppressed mirth.

The struggle to keep a straight face is heroic, but she manages it. “Yes. Four spicies is five sand dollars.”

“I don’t know how spendable spicies are these days,” he says, mock-serious. “I want something else.”

“Acorns?” she suggests. “Buttons off my coat? The buttons that Mary so painstakingly just sewed back onto my coat?”

“No, Christ, I don’t want your coat buttons. What the fuck.”

“Drinks.”

“Bo-ring.”

“Lemons, so you can make lemonade out of them.”

“No.”

“Molehills, so you can make mountains out of them.”

“I’ve got too many mountains as is, Evans.”

“A kiss, a cry—”

Even drunk as he is, James’s voice ratchets up about three octaves. “A kiss?”

Lily blinks. “You know. A moment, a love, a dream aloud, a kiss, a cry, our rights, our wrongs— You owe me a kiss.”

He shakes his head, equal measures confused and flustered. “No, you owe me a kiss.”

She laughs. “Said it wrong, didn’t I? Oh, well—” 

She seizes his face with merry enthusiasm, pulls him close, and plants a kiss right on his mouth. 

Then she pulls back, just a smidge. This is the moment that might otherwise have been filled by can I— was that— are you— but James is too busy being dead silent. His friend has just kissed him. His friend Lily has just kissed him. He’s consistently in awe of her, but in that moment he begins to really wonder if she can read minds, or if some traitorous subconscious drunk giveaway of his has tipped her off. 

Because, really — what the fuck is happening?

When she kisses him again, he responds without thinking, winding his fingers in her long, soft hair, pulling her closer until she’s nearly on top of him. It feels like inhaling crisp, fresh air for the first time; it feels like the relief of releasing a long-held breath. She tastes like the vile peach schnapps they’ve been drinking, only he thinks he might have been converted on the peach schnapps front now. 

They separate again. Lily drops her hands from his shoulders. James tries not to look too disappointed. He doesn’t trust himself to speak right away, not with her still looking at him, but after a while he clears his throat.

“That was two,” he says. “You owed one.”

The corner of her mouth twitches into a half-smile. “Now you owe me back.”

2:28 a.m.

James: hey remus whats the currency in dune

James: hey remus

James: hey hey hey remus

Remus: You woke me up to ask me a question you could google.

James: yeah and?

James: whats the currency in dune

Remus: Arrakis is a desert planet, James. What do you think

James: spicies

Remus: I’m going back to sleep. One more text and I’ll block you

[luci-in-trenchcoats]

Won’t You Stay (Part 1)

Summary: The reader is almost ready to start filming her movie, The Dark Woods, with her dad but is nervous but how it will all turn out. She’s feeling better by the first day of filming but when her other lead actor quits, she needs to find a new one and fast...

Masterlist

Pairing: Jensen x Director!reader

Word Count: 2,900ish

Warnings: language, car accidents

A/N: Please enjoy the first of many parts!

______

“Alright, so we’re going to have Ethan run down this hallway here, turn, tight in over his shoulder and push past to go down the way he came to catch sight of the baddie chasing him,” said Mark, your director of photography. You pursed your lips and hummed, walking through the warehouse location, your dad watching off to the side.

“Reverse it,” you said. “I want the supposed baddie’s back, in the first hallway, chasing my dad. Tight in over his shoulder, push past that guy and then get onto my dad. It’s supposed to be scary. I want the chase and tension.”

“You got it boss,” said Mark.

“You sure that’s what you want to do, kiddo?” asked your dad, Ethan. You glanced over your shoulder and raised an eyebrow.

“I want a ‘heart stops beating in the chest’ moment,” you said. “Fear. Prey being hunted.”

“But my character turns out to be the predator in this case,” he said, leaning against the wall.

“Exactly. The audience won’t know until it’s too late. Heart stopping, edge of the seat opening scene. I want them to feel for Hale and then have him flip the tables on them and then flip ‘em right back. I want the hallway shot one long continuous shot too. We might need to work on it some and get in a few rehearsals but it’s what I want,” you said.

“Sounds good. Opening scenes can really make a movie. I can’t wait to start filming next week,” said Mark with a grin. “This is going to get nominated for an Oscar or some shit.”

“I’ll settle for not bombing at the box office,” you said, pulling out your phone to check the time. “It’s starting to get late. I’m good for the day if you guys are.”

“Good with me. I’ll see you bright and early on Monday, Y/N,” said Mark. You gave him a wave as he headed out, your dad poking his head down the hallway again as you walked around one last time.

“I sound like a total bitch, don’t I, demanding what I want to do,” you said. He whipped his head around and frowned.

“No sweetie, not at all. Director ain’t an easy gig. You’re gonna have to know what you want all the time and some days, you’ll have to be a hardass about it. But you’re doing very good with all of your prep work. No one knows this story like you do,” he said.

“Why did I agree to do this,” you groaned, rubbing your hands over your face. “I wrote the damn book. Why did I say I’d direct it too? Direct my own father?”

“Because you love this story. I love this story. Mom and Anthony and Ella love it. You wanted it to get the treatment it deserves. You’re gonna do great,” he said.

“Remind me of this when I’m two weeks into filming and I end up flipping out,” you said. He gave you a big squeezing hug, spinning you around in circles. “Dad.”

“Mhm, sweetie,” he said. “You’re coming over for dinner to relax. No excuses.”

“I’ll take the free food,” you said, resting your head on his shoulder as you walked out towards where the car was parked. “How’d you not be terrified all the time?”

“Terrified of what?” he asked.

“You had me when you were 18. I was nine by the time you were my age. I can’t even keep a houseplant alive and now I’m making a multi million dollar movie and I feel like I’m gonna explode already. I can’t imagine being responsible for a kid,” you said.

“I was terrified to be honest. Grandma and grandpa helped us a lot. The whole family did. Becoming a rising Hollywood star was nothing compared to single dad though. You used to be the center of attention when my buddies would come over. You remember that?” he asked.

“I was your responsibility though,” you said.

“And I don’t regret having you for a second,” he said, kissing the top of your head. “How cool is it that we get to work together? This is going to be great, sweetie. I’ll try to help the hard days not be so hard too, okay?”

“Okay. I grew up on film sets. Hopefully this doesn’t go as bad as I think it will.”

“What do you mean he’s out? He can’t be out. He’s the other fucking lead!” you shouted into your phone late Monday morning. Your dad slurped up his noodles from his lunch at the craft services tent, most everyone going quiet and looking at you. You ditched your plate and went outside to the lot, running your hand over your face. “Where is Gil Nicholas going? He signed-”

“Dropped out. His contract allowed him to do that up until filming started which technically wasn’t until tomorrow so he’s able to do it,” said the casting director on the other end.

“What…” you said, taking a deep breath. 

“Relax, Y/L/N. I’ve known your dad since he was a bright eyed 18 year old kid. I ain’t calling with this kind of news without having a backup plan. There’s this guy out there, Jensen Ackles. He’s an up and comer. He was on a sci-fi horror network show that got the axe after a few seasons. The kid’s good though. Better than Gil for sure. He doesn’t have the name recognition that Nicholas did and this would be his biggest production ever but the kid is used to the horror genre,” he said.

“It’s not a horror movie,” you grumbled. “I’ve never heard of this guy. How old is he?”

“Twenty eight. Been in the business for about ten years. He’s got a good strong look to him. Athletic but soft,” he said. “He’s good looking. The face alone would get some people out to see the film. Get his shirt off and stick that in the trailer, you’ll get people to come see this movie no problem.”

“I wrote the damn book in my childhood bedroom. I published it and sold the movie deal on my own. If I need to get someone naked to sell this story, it doesn’t deserve to be on the big screen,” you said.

“Okay...relax before you blow a gasket. I got some other guys that could play Lyle. We could put together an emergency casting session this evening, see about getting a guy in for the morning?” he asked.

“Alright. Do the session. My dad’s off the rest of the day so see if he’s available for chemistry reads,” you said. “Please.”

“Can do, Y/N. The studio isn’t going to let one of the most popular books of the past few years crash and burn. It’s a goldmine waiting to happen for them. We’ll find the right guy to play Lyle. I promise.”

“Hey,” you said, jogging into the casting studio around 8 that night, catching your dad reading over a page of the script. “How was Ella’s volleyball game?”

“They won. She spiked the ball and hit some poor girl in the face though. She was crying the last time I saw her,” said your dad.

“I’ll call her after this,” you said, closing your eyes. “How’d the chemistry reads go?” 

“Just got that Ackles kid left to do. I’ll be honest. It ain’t been pretty in there. Two hot shots that ain’t worth shit, one that sounds horrible and another that can’t even pronounce full words,” he said.

“Lovely,” you said. “Where’s the Ackles guy then? I thought you guys were expecting to be wrapped up by now.”

“Late. Not the best sign,” he said. You squeezed your eyes shut and tilted your head back. “Go take a walk around the building, kiddo. I’ll talk to casting, see if there’s other possibilities. Worst case, we rework schedules, film anything without a lead while they find one.”

“This is a disaster and it’s only the first day,” you said.

“Y/N. Go on, take a breather,” said your dad. You sighed but went back outside, throwing your head back as you started to walk the block for a few minutes.

A whistle from a dim alley made you roll your eyes as you walked past. 

“Hey, princess. I was talking to you,” said the man.

“Fuck off. Not in the mood,” you said. Next thing you knew a hand was on your shoulder and you were being shoved back against a brick building. 

“Well that’s not very nice,” said the guy.

“Hey!” barked another voice. You both turned your heads to spot a younger guy already looking a little beat up walking down the sidewalk. “Pick on somebody your own size.”

“You want another ass kicking tonight? Looks like you already lost,” said the guy. He turned his attention to the other man but you were still stuck in a dead end alley with him. You tried to brush past him but the guy caught your arm, the younger one staring him down. “Just having a fight with my girlfriend, buddy.”

“I’m not your girlfriend, fuckface,” you said, stomping on his foot and turning around, kicking him in the nuts. He dropped your arm and you ran past to the young guy, standing behind him for a moment.

“Get out of here. Now,” he said. You took off back down the block to the casting studio, ducking into the lobby. Five minutes later you were pacing the halls, trying to get through on the phone to the police when the young guy appeared sporting a freshly bruised cheek. “Hey, you okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks. You? I’m trying to get through to the police but they put me on hold,” you said. He gave you a smile and shook his head.

“I’m fine. Rough night is all,” he said as he wiped some dirt off his cheek. He was handsome and looked strong but you could tell he wasn’t the fighting type.

“Busy saving other damsels?” you joked.

“The car in front of me tonight got in an accident. Car rolled and I helped get the driver out. Guy went into diabetic coma for a hot second so that was fun hanging with him until the ambulance got there and then that just happened. Obviously not my night. I’m supposed to be having the biggest audition of my life two hours ago here. Probably a sign it’s not meant to be,” he said.

“Well there’s at least two people out there grateful for you popping up tonight. Maybe your audition will go well,” you said, smiling to yourself. 

“I doubt it,” he said. “I should just go home. They probably won’t even let me anymore.”

“I know some people that work here,” you said, his ears perking up. “Give me your name. I’ll make sure you get your audition.”

“Really? Uh, thanks. I’m Jensen Ackles. I’m supposed to be auditioning for Lyle Sullivan on The Dark Woods movie,” he said.

You stared at him, Jensen giving you a smile. 

“You okay? If you don’t know anyone on that that’s cool, really,” he said. You nodded and said you’d take care of it. You went down another hall and into a large audition room where your dad was talking with the casting director while on the phone with one of his cop friends.

“Hey. Ackles is here,” you said.

“Kid’s two hours late,” said the casting director.

“We’re desperate, not that desperate,” said your dad. “Trust me. If he can’t even show up for an audition on time-”

“He’s the guy that just got that other one to leave me alone on the street,” you said. Your dad immediately put down his phone and looked at you. “He says he helped a guy who was in a car accident earlier and that’s why he’s late. He looks it. I want to give him a chance.”

“Alright. He can have a chance,” said your dad.

“Alright. Ethan, scene 22 again. Y/N, want to watch in here or on the monitor?” asked the director.

“Monitor. I’ll pop back in with my decision,” you said. You went in the back room and sat down, a TV on a small table in front of you. You turned it on and reached across the table, finding one of the pads of paper and pens that were normally there. You jotted down a few things to yourself.

He had the look of Lyle which was a huge plus for you. Short cute brown hair in spiky strands. The signature green eyes. The slight scruff on his cheeks.

He popped in front of the camera, still and quiet as he watched a few people move about. He was tall and had strong arms but there was something innocent and kind about him you couldn’t place. You smiled. Lyle had to be both the soft sweet boy and the tear your throat out with his teeth type. This guy seemed like he could pull that off potentially.

You sat back and watched your dad appear on the screen, shaking hands with Jensen briefly before they started.

Twenty minutes later you leaned back in your seat and stood up. Jensen was good. Nervous around your dad and shy but that was okay. During the read, all of that fell away. He was Lyle Sullivan, far better than Gil had ever played him. Jensen seemed to know just how to play Lyle’s relationship with Hale and it made you wonder if he’d ever read the book.

You popped into the casting room, Jensen no longer in there, your dad and a few other people discussing what they’d seen.

“We know what we think. What about our director?” asked your dad as he crossed his arms.

“I want him. I want him real bad,” you said. “He was good.”

“Alright. I think we’re all at a consensus then,” said the casting director with a smile. “We need him in tomorrow morning to start filming though. We need to work a temporary contract out tonight and-”

“Give him Gil’s contract, minus the ability to pull out,” you said. “It’s simple.”

“The studio ain’t paying a small screen, barely has a fan base, guy a couple million dollars,” he said.

“The Dark Woods is a wildly popular book with a built in fan base. Pay the man his money. What’s the big deal,” you said.

“I’m telling you right now, they won’t pay the kid three million,” he said. “He isn’t worth it in their eyes. Your dad is an established, multi-franchise, lead for both TV and movies. There is a reason your father is being paid very well. You earn that in this business, kid.”

“I negotiated my salary and a movie deal, on my own. Don’t call me a kid. I am twenty seven years old and do not tell me I don’t know what I’m doing. Use Gil’s contract and get him signed before he leaves the building,” you said. The casting director stared at you before he got up and left the room. Your dad gave you a look that you rolled your eyes at. “What?”

“You’re gonna be just fine as a director, kiddo.”

“Hey,” you said around midnight when you finally had all of the paperwork settled. Jensen was walking out into the main hall with his agent by his side. “How’d it go?”

“I got it!” he said, all smiles, his agent saying a quick goodnight to him. “Thank you so much for putting in a good word. I can’t believe they even let me audition let alone gave me the role.”

“Well, I just got you the audition. You got the job on your own,” you said.

“Still. I owe you a drink,” he said. He had big bright green eyes, still a bit shy but you could tell his excitement was giving him some confidence.

“I have work very, very early in the morning,” you said with a laugh, his face falling for a split second. “But I will definitely take a raincheck for Saturday night?”

“Alright. Sounds good to me,” he said as he smiled. You swapped phones for a moment, Jensen practically bouncing with excitement.

“You excited about this job, huh?” you asked as you put your phone away.

“You ever hear of The Dark Woods book? I love it. It’s so good. I was super excited to hear they were making it a movie and now I get to play Lyle freaking Sullivan? If you haven’t read it, you got to,” he said. “It’s awesome.”

“I’ll have to take a look sometime,” you said. “I’ll text you sometime for Saturday then?”

“Yeah. This is turning out to be the best day ever,” he said with a smirk. “I’ll see you around, Y/N.”

_______

A/N: Read Part 2 here!

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian season 2 ep 1 AGAIN! it’s the rewatch folks

- The entire last season reminder/intro scene is kind of clunky and we’re-hitting-you-over-the-head-with-this, but I think it’s important to note that it’s probably meant for the vast majority of people who watched this stuff once a wholeass year ago, and not for me, the crazy person who watched each episode at least five times lol

- 

I like the way mando & bb walk from darkness into brief light and back into darkness here... the directors keep finding such cool ways of using the armour cinematically, there must be some lighting considerations to be made when your main character is essentially a walking disco ball. I enjoy the mood of this planet too -- the distant lights, the way the sky isn’t quite dark like there’s a city providing some light pollution nearby (it’s a bit clearer as he walks further into the... town? that it’s not just sunset, the sky is lit up weirdly) 

also when din moves towards the camera and out of sight in this first appearance, the signet is the very last thing that leaves the frame! I just thought that was sweet, a clan of two :’)

- shotout to these two lads and their boldly absolutely inexplicable hat choices (I love gratuitous star wars crowd scenes you guys)

those tacky gold sequins on her sleeves... immaculate, beautiful, someone sat through like full body makeup application to be on screen a literal split second, that good good sw nonsense

- oh I didn’t notice before but I think those gladiator dudes are using vibroaxes! I guess they have the technology to portray it in live action now after the vibroblades in the first season

- the way bb glances up at din like ‘hey dad. dad what the fuck???’ as one gomorrean nearly chops the arm off the other fjaslfds

- when you look for it it’s comically obvious that those guys are working for the dude mando’s meeting, they’ve all got more or less the same dark uniform and don’t look much at the fight haha. they might as well have ‘hired thugs’ stamped upon their foreheads

- I like how pared down and spare the music is in this fight scene, it’s just the faint whine of the electric guitars under the thuds of meat hitting metal 

also still love how din fights, the fact that he doesn’t even try to not get hit a lot of the time, he’s just tanking through it waiting for someone to fling themselves at him in a way he can exploit to take them out

the bouncer seems to be holding something like sci-fi handcuffs when he grabs din and lifts him off his feet, so he probably meant to restrain him quickly. bonus: I didn’t notice it the first time around, but din really went straaaaaiiight for this dude’s gentleman area once he dropped him back on his feet lol (you can even see him taking a split second to orient himself and take aim first fhsdkfhas). good job space cowboy dad, sometimes fighting smart means fighting dirty

- leaving this awful dude hanging upside down to get eaten after employing some very deliberate phrasing so he’s not even breaking his word is the ruthless HEIGHT of mando’s hilarious petty streak and it makes me cackle, gives me life, waters my crops    

- oh, the palpable loneliness and longing in din’s voice when he says ‘if I can track down another of my kind’ ;_______; I’m sorry buddy

- may we speak for a moment about the fact that din carries his son around in what seems very much to be a saddle bag sdafjkhsa

- the way din checks in with peli (to see if she’s fucking with him? he’s very confused anyway haha) over the map before saying “I don’t see anything” is so precious. he already seems much more socially tuned in and responsive compared to the beginning of season 1, you love to see it, coming out of that freeze response baBEY

- I can’t get over how much the baby loves speed, this is coming back to bite you so hard if you’re ever going to have to teach this kid how to drive one day mando

- awwww the little patented mando finger curl as he enters the bar <3<3<3 that’s sort of his tell for being preoccupied/anxious; I think finding other mandos, someone to trust and to get help from, means A Lot to him  

once he sees the marshall in the armour his shoulders drop down and he stands up straighter :’) hope is a powerful thing (I guess all of this might add even more to how angry he is too)

the DEAD STOP when cobb takes the helmet off sdkfhkajsldhfsdk

- yodito putting his lil mouth on the lip of this jar thing is such a well observed little quirk of baby behaviour, I’m crying

(there is liquid of some sort in this thing; I’ve seen some people theorize it’s a spittoon but for my own peace of mind I’m going to forcefully declare that it is not thank you)

- so much stuff packed into that “He’s seen worse”!! dismissal, self-deprecation, sorrow, resignation, warning. 

- the contrast in this standoff of vanth’s eastwood eye twitch and the complete deadpan impassiveness of din’s helmet and general demeanor... wonderful  

- upon rewatching I’m actually wondering if some of these scenes with the baby on his own were filmed independently of the actors and that it might add to that slight distracting feeling of disconnect/distance you get through the episode. (it’s sort of odd to me that mando doesn’t even glance down at him as the whole place starts to shake, for example) there must be a lot of stuff that comes down to technical considerations with the baby; I suspect it takes a lot of time and resources to have him walking around too much, which is why The Waddle is kind of a rare treat   

what I’m saying is that they may be saving up dad & baby interaction resources for episodes where it’s more relevant or important

- so is this a one bantha town or is it just for convenient film language reasons it was all alone in frame like that lol

also cobb’s ‘mondays amirite’ look fdsakjfhsjk 

- since I think it every time I get to this part: this is a very neat hairstyle this person is rocking, suits them! 

- ah the stern pointer finger of emphasis. din TALKS, no, COMMUNICATES so much in this episode you guys!!!!! 

- rip this tusken, the bravest person who ever lived

- the delivery of “...they might be open to some fresh ideas” is the funniest moment of this entire episode don’t @ me

- oh the kotor-ness of it all lol

- jill (the girl who hands cobb the detonator) is so cute with her hat and everything ;____; 

- I suppose these tuskens are really the bravest people to ever live considering they saw what happened to the last guy (or gal I suppose I don’t know how sand people gender works)

- baby needs some goggles to protect his giant eyes from wind and sand Y___Y

- they’ve nailed how to make the jetpacks work in live action, it looks really cool and I suspect it easily could have uh. not 

- this poor sacrificial bantha... it even tried to get away

- ooooh the heart eyes -- cobb 100% has a crush on this man jfsdflhsad. (with it being sort of unrequited/’oh man I’m behind about 150 layers of dissociation too many to even really consider that one way or the other bud’ from mando’s side #personal headcanon disclaimer)    

- my take on why din doesn’t get dissolved in acid in there is that that stuff is released from a specific gland or something that the dragon can unleash at will and that the spit itself doesn’t have that quality on its own (or at least it’s a lot less potent) 

- seems pretty well confirmed by now that yodito is a carnivore huh hahaha

- I find it obscurely satisfying that cobb seems to be wearing exactly his old outfit under the armour -- he did just strap it on on top of what he already was. (there’s something there -- he’s a whole thing still without the armour, and at this time at least din would not be I don’t think) just some good narrative foil stuff going on here under the surface

also once again props to the costume design; without the armour he looks so vulnerable again, they have dressed him to emphasise his height and slenderness (especially compared to mando, who actually seems to have bulked up a bit? fatherhood suits him I guess)    

plus, the way the baby looks questioningly up at din while he watches cobb walk away? yeah, din is lonely, let this poor man have a friend who stays around soon T______________T

- heeey boba, nice threads! my guess is that he’s not going to be there for the armour if he does track din down, since he hasn’t seemed to be in any haste to get it back before (which is interesting!). he might also have been unable to go looking for it before because he was still recovering from being half digested, of course, they could play it a lot of different ways

I wonder if we’ll get more of him in the next ep or if they’ll let the tension ramp up through the season 

[astoldbygingersnaps]

Harper’s 2020 Fic Wrap-Up

my very good friend and incredibly talented felow writer @sagemoderocklee came up with the idea of doing an end of the year fic wrapup in an attempt to polish the turd known as 2020, and since i actually managed to get some writing done this year i figured, why not jump on the bandwagon? 

a lot of super duper fucking shitty things happened in 2020, but i will always be proud that in this incredibly chaotic, stressful, and challenging year i managed to produce almost 180k of content (and that’s not even counting the writing i started in 2020 but haven’t published yet). so, to celebrate what’s been a pretty big achievement for me, i wanted to go through the various projects i’ve spent the last twelve months working on and give a preview of my plans for 2021.

let’s jump in!

projects i worked on/completed in 2020:

first off, let’s start with the beast to end all beasts, my personal baby, and honestly probably the reason most people follow me -- star trek au:

something bigger than the sky (shiita; 44,163 words; completed): 

i’ve said this before, but the whole idea for star trek au was literally just a joke between me and my-then girlfriend, now-fiancee, and eternal shiita enabler alexa aka @durintrash (by the way, if you follow me for my fics and you DON’T follow alexa for her corresponding art WHAT, exactly, are you doing with your life????) where i sat in a space-themed diner and said ‘haha imagine itachi as a vulcan.’ but then i blinked and suddenly somehow i’d written the prologue and the first chapter of SBTTS in the span of a week. it’s like i was possessed by a fanfic demon.

it sounds super cheesy but i honestly can’t say enough how important this fic has been to me and how much it’s pushed me to be a more productive and more dedicated writer. previously i spent a lot of time Thinking about writing and occasionally i’d put a few words on the page and then i’d go... do... something... else. but star trek au was the first idea i loved enough that it actually pushed me to write and keep writing and not give up even when i was confronted with things like writer’s block and worry over the quality of my writing. so thank you, star trek au, for being the light in a very dark year for me. 

by the end of SBTTS, i felt like i accomplished everything i wanted to do with the story’s beginning installment: i introduced all the characters and set the groundwork for their development; i showed what life on the corvus was like and how starfleet, the federation, and the universe functioned; and, more than anything, i was able to sketch out both the main protagonists -- itachi and shisui -- with all their strengths and flaws, show their relationship to one another, and hint at how that relationship would progress. 

all the stars are closer (shiita; 75,195 words; completed)

considering how slow i used to be at writing, i thought it would be, like, twelve years before i managed to get to the second part in the series. BUT then covid happened and i half-lost, half-quit my job, and like a lot of people this year i ended up with a lot of free time on my hands. and so, like a fucking demon, i finished this part in two and a half months. 

when i originally planned this part out, i really thought it would be a lot shorter and a lot lighter atmosphere-wise than it turned out. instead, this second section of the story ended up being pretty meaty in terms of length and in subject.

that said, overall, i’m really happy with how ATSAC turned out. i loved the way the characters progressed, how the relationships deepened, and how we were able to see this universe grow bigger and more complicated. and i’m very satisifed with how it set the stage for part three, which takes us to...

lovers alone wear sunlight (shiita; 41,518 words; in progress)

there’s... a lot about this part that i just can’t talk about yet, a) because it isn’t finished and b) because it contains some of the biggest plot points in the entire series thus far. if you’ve been keeping up with the stardates thus far (which i encourage you to do!) you know what part three is leading up to: itachi leaving the corvus and the dissolution of shisui and itachi’s growing relationship. 

with that in mind, i’m... more than a little terrified about writing part three, which is why the third chapter has been languishing in my google drive for months now. (and also why i started not one, but TWO new fics to cope with my writer’s block. whoops.) chapter three is where all the parts come together and shit hits the fan, and i can only hope that everyone will be as excited to read it as i am to publish it. 

next up, the two other projects i began this year:

salvation comes only in our dreams (shiita; canon divergence; 16,835 words; in progress)

for a long time, i’ve wanted to write something that’s actually set in the naruto universe and works to correct a lot of the flaws that i see in the series. there are a lot of things that bother me about naruto, but i think one of the things that frustrates me the most is the really messy and in some ways offensive resolution to the uchiha coup plot thread, and i wanted to write a story that dealt with the complicated themes of the series--imperialism, oppression, genocide, child soldiers--but, like, didn’t suck and completely drop the ball. thus, the massacre au was born. 

my main goal was to tell a story that showed a lot of these characters in ways we’ve never seen them before, specifically itachi. i didn’t want to write itachi as just an idealist who suffers and Suffers AND SUFFERS for konoha yet still remains loyal to the village for some unfathomable reason like he is in the series. i wanted to write an itachi that was sharper, more jaded, and more suspicious of the world around him, but overall was still a good person with a kind heart. and for shisui, well... obviously there’s a lot going on there, too. 

this is easily the darkest story i’ve ever written, and as the plot thickens it will certainly get darker with relationship dynamics that are complicated and unhealthy At Best. i hope that as the story goes on it’s a ride people continue to enjoy, as i was super pleasantly surprised at how popular this fic became (compared to my usual stats, at least) 

oceans between us (shiita; alternate universe; 15,039 words; in progress)

it’s good to know that i continue to be the most ridiculously niche version of myself as yes, i wrote a fucking shiita atonement au. 

with each fic i write i try to have a very specific voice that suits the particular piece and distinguishes it from other stories that include the same characters. for example, star trek au chapters tend to be more fun and light-hearted (especially shisui POV chapters) and lean more into the action movie and sci-fi adventure feel of the star trek universe, while the massacre au is written in a way that’s much heavier and guided by itachi’s emotions and experiences. my main goal with this story was to give it the same romantic, operatic, almost hazy quality that the movie has, which reflects the period setting and also the nature of this grand tragic love story. 

i knew from the beginning that there were going to be a lot of things that i cut from the film in my retelling, like the lola subplot and obviously the setting of pre-wwii england. i also knew i wanted to explore some of the aspects of the film that were implied more than outright stated, like the themes of classism and upper-class privileges. and more than anything i wanted to structure this piece around this idea of tension building and building until it finally snaps and there’s just a world of mess and hurt and loss that affects these two characters in two very different ways. 

also, the sex scene. i haven’t written a sex scene for anything in, like, a decade, so that was a lot of pressure. but i’m happy with how it came out and i think it ended up being an aspect of the story that felt like both a natural progression and necessary to show the affection these two people have for one another.

originally i was just going to end the story with shisui going to jail, but when i told alexa this i genuinely thought she was going to kill me. so, that didn’t happen lmao. but the more i tried to imagine what a second chapter would look like, the more i realized she was right, and it would have been a terrible idea to end the fic there. as for whether or not the final chapter will keep That Ending... who can say?

goals i have for 2021:

finishing lovers alone wear sunlight and, if i’m very lucky, beginning the fourth and second to last part of star trek au (yes, as it currently stands this 160k+ word series is only halfway finished. sorry not sorry)

publishing the next chapter of salvation comes only in our dreams (i don’t know when it will drop. i don’t know anything about this fic. please do not @ me) 

completing oceans between us (the second and final chapter is currently sitting at about 4k words and will probably end up at about 15k in total)

completing and publishing a new fic i’ve started at the very end of 2020, which is the shiita jurassic world au nobody but me and alexa knew they wanted. it’s essentially a 90s romcom with dinosaurs and i cannot Wait to share it. (it’s at about 9k right now and will probably end up being around 20k to 23k in total... maybe...)

FINALLY starting my dream project: the shiita olympics au i’ve been planning for years, where itachi is a figure skater and shisui is a hockey player (i’d like to keep this under 150k but at this point trying to keep my stories at a managable word count is a losing battle)

anyway, that’s it! if you managed to get this far in this very self-indulgent and shameless bit of self promotion, congrats! also, a very big thank you to everyone who’s read my fics, left me kudos and comments, and spent their time on my work, because it really does mean the world to me. 

here’s hoping 2021 is a much healthier and happier year for us all! 

[radramblog]

Radiohead Retrospective Part 6: I try to sing along but I get it all wrong (‘CAUSE I’M NOT)

I don’t have as much to say about the lead-in to Hail to the Thief, much like I didn’t have much to say about that for Amnesiac. There isn’t as earth-shattering a shift as Kid A, and there isn’t a big story like with The Bends or OK Computer.

Hail to the Thief was (probably) the first batch of music Radiohead recorded after the sessions that produced Kid A/Amnesiac, meaning they had the full breadth of that experience to work with. What we received as a result was somewhat of a fusion of the electronic/jazz-influences of those albums and the rockier stuff of the band’s past.

Now I’ve heard a fair few complaints that this album is too long. That’s probably fair, it’s their longest album, with a total of 14 tracks, meaning it does kinda drag on a bit. Thom Yorke apparently agrees, seeing as he put out an alternative tracklist in ’08 (link) missing four songs. At the same time, I’m going to pull Death of the Author on this one, because as much as I’ve seen people complain that there’s too many songs on this, nobody ever seems to get along with which ones they’d cut- let alone people wanting to pull B-sides in the mix.

But we’re getting ahead of ourselves there, aren’t we? Suppose I should just talk about the fucking album.

We begin this record, like all Radiohead records, with studio chatter. Wait, what the fuck? Yeah, it’s quiet but it’s there. Why not, right?

2+2=5 is a lovely little banger to open on. Unquestionably a rock song, it features a very slow and quiet (and heavily panned) first half before just fucking exploding in the latter half. It genuinely might be the most aggressive track the band has put out, a manic cascade of energy and breathy falsetto that’s genuinely headbangable. It’s also a fun thing to try and read the lyrics for, since the booklet the album comes with gives up for this bit and just goes “eezeepeezee NOT” or something along that line.

Oh yeah, that’s actually something worth bringing up. Neither Kid A nor Amnesiac had lyric booklets, deliberately obscuring the actual words to the songs, to the point where people had pretty wide interpretations of what they actually were. Considering the incompleteness of 2+2=5’s entry in it’s booklet, perhaps similar occurred with that. I’m still unsure if the subtitle of this post is actually the real lyrics.

Most people, I think, read the name of this track and just kind of assume it’s about 1984, the book boomers bring up whenever their freedumbs are impinged upon. And it’s not not about 1984, but there are extremely specific political references as well- Hail to the Thief, title of the album and line in the track, is a quote regarding the U.S. President of the time, George W Bush, who lost the popular vote but won the electoral college- something that sounds awfully familiar to those of us living in 2021. “January has April Showers” similarly refers to the unseasonable weather of Bush’s inauguration.

The last thing I’d like to bring up before we finally move onto the second track is that every single song in this album has a subtitle- for 2+2=5, it’s (The Lukewarm). According to Yorke, it’s a reference to Dante’s Inferno- the Lukewarm being the people around the edge of hell, damned due to their passive indifference- the kind of people the song’s lyric, “you have not been paying attention”, is referring to. I’m literally learning these meanings now, so we’ll see how many are worth bringing up.

Perhaps fortunately for my word count, Sit Down. Stand Up (yes the full stop/period is part of the title) (that’s not the subtitle) doesn’t have quite as much going on. Though it does have a video, for some reason. It’s a sort of repetitive trance of lyrics set to an electronic percussion, distant piano, and….I don’t know what other instrument is making those light dings. A xylophone? Interestingly, much like 2+2=5, it’s one that builds slowly into a chaotic finish, the raving of that track reflected in the almost cold mania of the raindrops the raindrops the raindrops the raindrops the raindrops……. It’s a decent enough song, but I legitimately cannot imagine listening to it ever outside the context of this album. Which is weird, because I definitely remember doing so when I was younger.

Track 3 is Sail To The Moon, a lullaby or ballad or sorts, a calm after the storm that is the previous track. Quite literally, considering it’s repeated lyric. And also literally, in that it was actually written for Thom’s son at the time. The subtitle, (Brush the Cobwebs Out of the Sky) evokes a very literal interpretation of the song’s title, which doesn’t actually reflect the lyrics.

Sail To The Moon is, as any good lullaby should be, utterly soothing. It’s calm, with Thom’s vocals just drifting across the piano, loose guitar, and percussion like a low tide. This is one of those songs I’ve come around to much more with time, because I distinctly remember skipping this a lot. You’ll find I’ve listened to this album a fair few times, though the section between 2+2=5 and Go To Sleep is one I skipped a fair bit, I think.

Backdrifts is a heavily electronic song that apparently in part predates Kid A and Amnesiac, which is kind of interesting- we’ll see a bit more of that later. As a track, it’s kind of spacy- the synth instrumental feels like something out of an eerie sci-fi film, if you notched the tempo up a bit.

Backdrifts is also the first song where I can see the “too long” argument come in. Not for the album (though I believe it’s one of the ones the alternate tracklist leaves out), but the song itself- I’m not sure this is a song that needs to be the second longest on the album (and only by a second). It’s fine, but considering what it comes off and what follows it, it’s in a bit of an awkward spot.

Go To Sleep is another one that kinda took me a while to get. I always heard it as being one of the top tracks on the thing, but it never really clicked with me for a while. I suppose I’ve never been massive on purely acoustic-guitar-led affairs? With age, though, I’ve better appreciated the depth the song has. Possibly the folkiest song the band has, it might have taken me getting into R.E.M. to recognize what the song is.

And the song is good!

But unfortunately for Go To Sleep, Where I End and You Begin is my favourite Radiohead track.

Holy shit, this song sounds so fucking sick. That percussion, that bassline, those fucking Ondes Martenot babyyyy. The song is spacey and ethereal, but tied down by the more traditional elements of the instrumentation. The fantastical lyricism tying into very real themes of personal boundaries, how they define how people interact, and how when they fail, things tend to go badly- “There’ll be no more lies, I will eat you alive”. It’s just an absolute fucking track.

I don’t think I can possibly explain why I like this song so much. Opinions and favourites are kind of like that. But it just speaks to me. The hyper-fuzzed out guitar soloing in the bridge, the loneliness of the second verse, it’s just incredible.

Also it possibly references Optimistic with the lyrics which is cool! I also like that song a lot.

The subtitle, (The Sky Is Falling In), is something I’ve not been able to find a reference for regarding it’s meaning, but since I like the song so much, I’m going to do some interpreting. If we assume the song is about boundaries in a relationship, it’s clear that the final lyrics are the utter devastation after those boundaries are breached. But “The Sky Is Falling In” fits better with the third verse, what with the house falling into the sea- the tipping point has broken, the household (or, the house) is in freefall, the sky is falling with it. But that’s just my opinion, man.

Still with me? We’re not even halfway.

We Suck Young Blood can best be described as off-kilter, perhaps even deliberately out of tempo. A very pointed use of handclaps, typically a part of substantially more energetic tracks than the dirge this song presents. I’m sure this isn’t what the song is about, but at face value the lyrics read like some sort of social service run by vampires- give us your young blood, and we’ll make things better for you. In a way, it’s kind of fun, silly even. I suppose the claps help with that. The track is otherwise just, melancholic- slow, piano-y, even the sudden pickup barely lasts- though I always forget it’s there, making it kind of a surprise every time. Like, oh shit, we’re going somewhere for a bit, I need to put my seatbelt back on- ah never mind it’s over (and then the song keeps going for a while).

We come now to The Gloaming, the song that was originally going to be the title track for the album. They changed it, apparently, because it got rejected- too gloomy, apparently. According to Wikipedia, a fair few of the subtitles from the album’s tracks also came from proposed names for the album proper.

The song itself is also pretty gloomy, as it happens. Apparently, it’s literally about the rise of fascism, so fair enough. An electronic track, with many a repetition, feeling uneasy and cold the whole way through (making the subtitle, Softly Open our Mouths in the Cold, pretty apt). It feels almost minimalistic at times, without especially many lines running through it- and without a big crescendo like many to most of these songs have, it feels somewhat lifeless- a deliberate choice, no doubt.

Oh shit, are we up to There There? We are! God this song fucks. Those opening drums are iconic, not to mention the way it layers onto itself. And the video! Eerie horror at its finest.

Like, I know Where I End and You Begin is my favourite song on this album unquestionably. But there is no doubt in my mind that There There is the best song on the album.

Good enough that I don’t have anything really interesting to say about it? Like many songs on this album, it’s got a big old crescendo, but the build is just so smooth, and the climax is just such a swelling. “We are accidents waiting to happen” is such a powerful lyric, and it’s hardly the only one on the song. A comment I’ve seen about the song describes the guitar as akin to laughter, a mood I can definitely see in the track itself.

Anyway the song ended so I guess I gotta move on.

I Will is kind of an interesting case. It’s unquestionably one of the most emotional songs on the album, considering it was written about a U.S. bombing of a shelter that wiped out 408 innocent people, and that’s fucking horrifying (S.O.P. for the Army it seems). It’s short, and…well it’s not sweet, but it is tragic and haunting.

It’s also a song that went through variation on variation before finally appearing on this album. Early live performances date to 5 whole years before Hail to the Thief, and considering the bombing was in 1991, it was probably written well before then. Versions of this track are kind of everywhere as a result- one early version was eventually chopped up and reproduced into Like Spinning Plates on Amnesiac- reconstructions of the process are available on citizeninsane.eu- or they were, at least, because apparently that site’s embeds relied on Flash.

I do particularly want to highlight the Los Angeles version of the song, which was a b-side on 2+2=5 (and also was on the Com Lag EP), because it’s a fuller version of the track- not necessarily better, but the full band is involved, making it a much different experience.

Track 11, A Punchup At A Wedding, has become somewhat of a meme on the Radiohead subreddit. Mostly it’s a result of the opening lyric, literally “No” 42 times over. The subtitle, for reference, is also all “No”s. On a similarly lighter note, the track is apparently a result of the band stumbling upon just a needlessly scathing review of one of their live shows, making it one of the few Radiohead tracks I could confidently say is about one person in particular. With all the second person, the lyrics probably wouldn’t be out of place on an early Linkin Park track (whether that’s an insult or not, I’ll leave as an exercise to the reader).

The slow, almost marchlike rhythm of the song well suits the tone of the lyrics, and to be clear, the tone is pretty much “Man, what the fuck is wrong with you?” and the emotions that come with being torn down by someone who doesn’t know you or really recognise what they’re doing. I suppose it’s refreshing for the metaphor to be this obvious for once. It’s a pretty decent song, piano-driven like many a song on the album, which means theoretically if I ever relearn the instrument I could play it. Maybe.

Myxomatosis, while a pretty fucked up disease, is an absolutely excellent song. If 2+2=5 is the heaviest rock song on the album, Myxomatosis is the heaviest electronic song on it. The lyricism is incredibly dark, unsettling and violent, suiting the harsh buzzing synth line. They say fuck in this one! And the way the entire song save percussion drops for the key line (I don’t know why I feel so tongue-tied/skinned alive) is so excellent. Interestingly, said line also appears word-for-word in Cuttooth, a B-side from Amnesiac, though the mood is profoundly different.

I suspect the song being named Myxomatosis and being pretty clearly about public perception and fame should give you a hint as to how the band views the media and the world of the rich and famous- the subtitle, (Judge, Jury, & Executioner), certainly adds to that. Thom sounds a mix of hesitant, confused, disgusted, and frustrated on the track, and it works incredibly well.

We’re finally on to the penultimate track, Scatterbrain. And I’m going to be honest, I don’t know what this one’s about. I’m out of patience to figure out what Genius is going on about, though it’s fairly incomplete for this track anyway. It’s relatively simple, for a Radiohead track, and pretty enough, but I can see why people don’t tend to like this one as much. I distinctly remember it being bottom of the list or close to it on a subreddit poll at some point (might have been above We Suck Young Blood, which I don’t agree with).

Scatterbrain kind of just has the problem of being a pretty decent album track, right between two of my favourite songs on the album. Which is awkward as always.

Our final song is A Wolf at the Door, and talk about a closer. Thom has described it as like waking up from a nightmare and finding out reality is worse, which is both relatable and upsetting. The song is grim, with confusing imagery in the verses leading to a desperately emotional chorus about someone’s children being fucking ransomed. Also, a bridge with more Nos than A Punchup at a Wedding, where are your No (x105) memes Reddit, get it fucking together!

The lyrics of the verses in A Wolf at the Door have a swaying flow to them that’s almost rap-like, especially since the falsetto that Thom usually sings in around this time is completely absent from them. This makes it one of the few rap-ish songs I’ve actually tried to perform, and I’d probably be pretty okay if I didn’t keep forgetting bits.

The song is just, frustration (verse 1), desperation (chorus), anger/frustration (verse 2), and back to desperation (chorus) again, which doesn’t quite fit the stages of grief cleanly, but that’s probably fine. The final vocalisation of the song (and thereby the album) feels almost like a sorrowful howl, which makes less sense the more I think about the imagery and intent of the lyrics, so maybe just ignore that actually. There is just so much imagery packed into this track, especially in the second verse, that listing it out is pointless- but it all just clicks so well, into this deluge of frustration and madness carried along by that instrumental that just seems to get lower and lower forever.

Anyway that’s the whole album, isn’t it? I’m going to keep this outro brief, because we’re approaching 3000 words at this point, but I think that fact says it all. There’s a lot of Hail to the Thief, but it never really misses per se. It has less great songs, but no bad ones. I’d argue my own biases probably cloud my judgement, but even if some of the tracks are more forgettable, the highs are so high for me that it easily stands among the band’s best.

Unfortunately, not everyone agrees with me. But that’s fine, this is my opinion, the rest of the world is allowed to be wrong.

A lot of things would happen between Hail to the Thief’s release in 2003 and the followup, In Rainbows, in 2007. But that’s ultimately a story for another day. A week from today, to be precise.

See you then?

[vortahoney]

Do All of the stay at home asks I want to know all these things about you >:)

Andy you want to kill me I think

1. your favorite playlist

This playlist by @girlboss-keevan either that or this playlist by me

2. how many houseplants in your room, and what kinds are they?

all my plants are outside plants, actually! I’ve got 15 tomato plants, 12 pepper plants, 10 types of herb, squash, green beans, cucumber, and corn plants :)

3. your favourite “grounding” activity

gardening, unsurprisingly. making collages, also!

4. an account on social media whose posts make you smile

galactivist on instagram. absolutely hilarious parody of those instagram infographics that treat big issues like an aesthetic

5. 5 tv shows that cheer you up

Five?? Yikes. Okay, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, Gilmore Girls, Gravity Falls, On My Block, and Kim’s Convenience

6. how you get relaxed when you’re struggling to sleep

I do yoga! I’ve got one routine that’s supposed to help with getting better sleep and it’s also really good for calming down. When I can’t sleep I get really jumpy and I turn into a bigger hypochondriac than I already am, so it’s good to have something that chills me the fuck out.

7. your favourite board game

Scrabble <3

8. if you were going to write a non-fiction book on any topic, what would it be?

Probably worldbuilding in sci fi! I’m sure I could offer a lot of advice on that subject.

9. a quote you would consider getting tattooed or put in a frame.

the ‘blasphemy? before what god?’ rant from re-animator

10. something you’ve created in the last year that you’re proud of (a playlist, a piece of art, some writing, a craft hobby, a social media account, etc)

I wrote a story about body image that won a national award, i’m pretty damn proud of that

11. a tip or hack you’ve learned that makes cleaning or tidying easier

you don’t have to do it all at once

12. if you could make a candle that smelt like anything, what would you pick?

closing all the tabs on your computer after finishing a big project

13. the last so-bad-it’s-good joke you heard

what do vegan zombies eat? graaaiiiinnnnsss

14. an artist (of any kind) whose work you look forward to seeing

I recently read The Vanished Birds by Simon Jimenez and WOW was that book good. I can’t wait to read more of his stuff.

15. the last tv episode that made you laugh out loud

The Future’s End part 2 from Voyager. ‘Tuvok, what a freakosaurus!’ got to me.

16. how you wake your body up when it’s feeling tired, achy or needs a stretch

stick my face in a bowl of ice water

17. a bath, shower, beauty or toiletry product that makes you feel revived, or that you always re-order when it’s running out

cerave hydrating face cleanser. It’s really good for feeling clean :)

18. a book series you can always escape in

Scythe by Neil Schusterman. It’s an odd one but I like it a lot.

19. the sport or exercise you enjoy the most, and what’s helped you get better at it

weightlifting! And, I don’t really know what’s helped me get better at it. Just… doing it I suppose.

20. a skill you’ve picked up in the past few years

I’m not sure how much this counts but making herbal mixes for different situations. Right now I’m drying some pineapple sage, mint, and lavender for my mom’s birthday. They make really good gifts.

21. a YouTube video you find useful, entertaining, or relaxing

The first episode of Fantasy High by Dimension 20. Absolutely LOVE watching people play dnd (just not the action parts, that can get boring)

22. if you were going to dye your hair any colour of the rainbow, what would you choose?

teal! I like that color

23. the book you just finished and what you thought

I just finished The Vanished Birds by Simon Jimenez and I don’t think I’ve cried that much because of a book in a long time. (No spoilers but WHY Vaila, why did you do that 😭)

24. describe the most wacky, weird and wonderful at-home outfit you’ve put together

Army pants, combat boots, neon pink and blue flannel, and one of my dad’s band shirts from the eighties

25. a game you’re playing that takes your mind off things

It’s called Two Spies and it’s really fun but I’m VERY bad at it

26. the film you watched most recently that you could watch again and again

Saving Face my beloved 🥺

27. your favourite flavour and brand of tea

I don’t really have a favorite brand but I like irish breakfast tea

28. a good-will story you’ve heard on the news that’s made you feel hopeful

Norway shut down its last arctic coal mine! It’s turning the land into a national park. Obviously not going to save the world but it’s nice to know that people ARE trying to help the environment.

29. a favourite easy recipe: 5 ingredients or less, or takes less than 30 min to make

Grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato slices <3

30. a song that makes you want to have a boogie round your bedroom

Transparent Soul by Willow

[thiswaycomessomethingwicked]

I have a silly Napoleon ask for you: if he suddenly woke up in the present day what do you think he would a)like most about it b) like least about it c)get unreasonably addicted to d)decide to do for a living

hahah I’ve answered a similar one before here and here. 

Most Like About It: A lot, I think. Central heating. Guys, he’d fucking love central heating.

In general, he’d love most technological advances. Cars, planes, trains etc. like he’d be very into that. “Bertrand we’re going to ride the TGV all day every day. Look at how fast we are going! This is genius.” 

“Bertrand WE ARE IN THE SKY. This is AMAZING. We are going from Paris to Rome in a matter of HOURS. HOURS BERTRAND. WE DON’T HAVE TO CROSS MOUNTAINS.” (sorry just assuming this is exile Napoleon who woke up in modern day.) 

Public transit in general - the metro, buses - anything that makes life more efficient for people. Dishwasher, washers/dryers, modern electricity, laptops, printers, ball point pens etc. 

I suspect he’d be a big supporter of public health care and all the advances made on vaccines and medicine in general. 100% would hate anti-vaxxers. Pro-modern glasses (he’d get himself a pair asap. Then they’d explain contacts to him and I think he’d be like “WAIT NO, I WANT THOSE.” He would not be into lasik, I suspect). 

Modern hygiene! Razors, tooth brushes, floss, moisturizer - general daily body care he’d probably be keen on. (All that stuff we take for granted.) Though maybe not all of it, he was quite traditional in certain things (his penchant for older fashion, par exemple). Maybe he’d keep the old straight razor shaving approach. But modern dentistry would be a huge improvement and I can’t see him being against it. Especially as someone who had a tooth extracted in the early 19th century. 

‘Oh they give you pain killers now? Fantastic.’ 

‘Sir, we just numb the area where we are doing the work.’ 

‘So it doesn’t impede my awareness? Amazing. Please, fix all my teeth right now.’ 

He’d also support the greater access to education that exists, especially compared to his day. Also, streaming services. He would binge so many things. ‘Bertrand we are watching every thing this very soothing sounding British naturalist made about planet earth. Holy shit look at that they’re under water! They’re at the bottom of the ocean! Bertrand look at this. if only Josephine were here. She’d be so excited.’ 

Pro-zoom/Microsoft teams/facetime etc. 100%. ‘If I had this instead of people relying on my bad handwriting ...’ 

Oh, he’d like the EU as a concept. Except he would be very disappointed that France wasn’t at the helm. I think France’s position globally would disappoint him, overall. But yeah, the broad principles espoused by the concept of the European Union would appeal to him. 

Brexit though. Lol. I think he’d enjoy watching England shoot itself in the foot. But if you asked him for his opinion, as in “do you think the UK should do this” he would answer no. They should remain. 

He would like globalization, trade agreements, things like NAFTA, CETA etc. Supporter of big government. Reduction of religion in public sphere. Though would he be pro-banning visual manifestations of faith? (i.e. Hijab etc.) I don’t know. I doubt it. Simply because he was very focused on religion in government, so if churches aren’t involved in decision making, what citizens get up to on their own is their business (so long as you don’t cause problems). But I don’t know, he might be pro-it, because he was also into assimilation and creating a broad sense of a French culture. I could see him really going either way on it. It’d probably come down to whatever he thought would garner the most public support as a political move (since a lot of his more liberal moves as a leader were tied to understanding that marginalized communities would gun hard for him if he helped them). 

He would be pro-mask wearing for COVID because he wasn’t a fucking idiot and lived in a time when pandemics were still a real going concern. 

He would also probably like how comfortable modern clothing is. I don’t think he’d like how cheap and made-to-wear-out that most brands are, but he’d like the over all philosophy. Like Napoleon would dig t-shirts. Lounge wear. The fact that jeans have some stretch in them. That sort of thing. 

-- 

Least Like: I think he’d be very wary of the internet. For many reasons. For the lack of government control (Napoleon “What is a free press? never heard of her” Bonaparte). But also, because of the misinformation problems. The side effects many of us are now bearing witness to, and experiencing the ramifications of. 

He would dislike the whole fake news nonsense. Oh this man was a master spin-doctor, very good at twisting a narrative around to suit him, but he still did have respect for and a firm belief in basic facts. Especially fake news that usurped the sound advise of scientists and doctors (i.e. COVID nonsense). 

Free press, I think he would be wary of it. Mostly from a government control perspective. Like as a day-to-day citizen, since he wouldn’t be anyone in power in this hypothetical, I think he’d value it. He would do that disassocative thing he did when he talked about things in the abstract. That cold, calculating way he would position himself in a situation and be like “Ah yes, these are the things that need to be tamped down if you want control of a populace as a monarch”. Then he had his more liberal, call-back-to-that-misspent-jacobin-youth moments where his views shifted. 

I suppose it would also depend what age this hypothetical Napoleon is. He softened a lot in retirement exile. Napoleon at the height of his power, thirty-odd years old, different man to fifty year old Napoleon. 

Would not be into women in politics. He’d be like ‘Why is there a woman in charge of Germany? Also what happened to the Habsburgs? Where’s Prussia? Silesia? What the FuCk is happening in the Balkans? I’m very confused about Europe’s current geographic layout. ...Corsica...still doing you, I see.’ 

He’d dislike Trump and his cronies. As I wrote before: “ I think Napoleon would find Trump disgusting on a personal level. Uneducated, incapable of holding a real conversation, gauche, anti-intellectual, anti-fact-based discussion, anti-science, anti-art etc. He’d also feel that Trump is disgracing the position of President and that he is unworthy of leadership. Napoleon would also find Trump physically repulsive as he could be a wee bit shallow in some of his assessments (though, very early modern to 19th century to assume your physical appearance is a manifestation of your interiority).” 

Steve Bannon’s fiddling with finances? Napoleon would find that repulsive. Mitch Mcconnell disgracing his office by fucking around with constitutional loop holes? Napoleon would think it a disgrace. 

He had a lot of respect for America’s experiment with democracy. Like, quite a lot of respect. So I think he’d be vastly disappointed in not only the person occupying the white house, but also a lot of the apathy in voting that is going around. (Yes, this coming from a [mostly] absolutest monarch, too.) But Napoleon valued and respected the notion of civic duty. If you live in a democracy, you have a duty to participate. To opt out is to shirk that duty which he would find insulting and distasteful. Because, I would argue, he was very much a believer in people doing right by their fellow citizens. 

--

Get unreasonably addicted to: MODERN BATHS. HE WOULD NEVER LEAVE THE BATHTUB. THEY CAN HAVE JETS AND EVERYTHING BERTRAND THIS IS GREAT. 

Also central heating. Saunas. Jacuzzis. He was like a wee lizard seeking warmth at all times. 

I think he’d be into driving. I don’t know if he would be good at it. Don’t let Napoleon take the wheel, guys. But if someone else was driving he’d be that person “go faster. you’re driving like my grandmother.” And gods, he’d do dumb shit like drive like a maniac around the arc de triumph six times in a row because he’s an adrenaline junkie and a risk-taker (it’s that bored ADD brain of his). The autobahn would be his dream. 

I think he’d be super into epic fantasy series. Like the big sweeping ones like Lord of the Rings. I think less so GRRM because GRRM is unrealistic and Napoleon is pedantic. Especially about politics and war. Exhibit A: consider Napoleon’s very detailed nitpicking of Virgil on his inaccurate rendition of Troy from a military perspective. Therefore, I suspect GRRM’s lack of accuracy in how society works, how war works, how politics works, all the plot holes and illogical character decisions, would drive him up the wall. Napoleon liked Homer because he could tell Homer had been to war. And you can tell Tolkien has been to war. Also LOTR hits all those notes of high-hearted emotion and big sweeping scenes that Napoleon so liked in Ossian and the Illiad etc.

All this to say, overall, as a genre, I think those big, sweeping fantasies with lots of plot, politics, intrigue, soaring battles, great heights of emotion - he’d love that. It would hit all of his buttons for what he liked in fiction. Lots of emotion, lots of action, lots of big scenes, lots of crazy shenanigans. This can also be applied to Sci-fi. I think he’d be a big nerd on that too. But the science would have to make sense. 

I think he’d be into Star Trek, particularly Picard, if only for the philosophical aspects of it. He liked those sorts of questions and hypotheticals. So I think he’d binge all of The Next Generation (among other seasons). 

--

Do for a living: Teach? God knows. This is Napoleon from 18-something who just woke up? He could be paid for consultant work for historians and film crews and the like, I guess. Just to tell them how accurate stuff is. Of course, be wary, this is Napoleon I Am A Spin Doctor Bonaparte. 

I think he could lean into writing histories - particularly the classics, early French and European history - that sort of thing, where he already has a strong background in it and it wouldn’t require him basically learning an entirely new trade. Like, will Napoleon ever fully be a natural with computers and cell phones? Probably not. Could he be like your old school Professor emeritus who still churns out papers and does 90% of it the old fashioned by-hand way? Yes. And Napoleon had a bunch of histories planned on St. Helena that he wanted to write, so I think he could do that. 

As this is literally Napoleon Bonaparte he’d get a book deal in seconds. There’d be a bidding war over it. 

--

Thank you for the ask! This was very amusing :D 

[where-fading-princesses-live]

double standards

So I was watching this very interesting video last night...  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Di_R6Md-L80

And around 6:43, he talks about the classic Mary Sue trope and how, if you have a male character in a work of fiction who is presented as equally perfect and free of flaw (in other words, a Gary Stu), the criticism is less harsh towards him, or in some cases, nearly nonexistent. Some might even say he's a total bad-ass and how dare you find fault in someone so impossibly cool? But if they're female? Good god, it's bad writing and anti-feminist. People seem to be generally way more accepting of male archetypes who fall under this trope than the likes of their female counterparts, hence double standards. You see this all the time in action flicks for instance. Arnold Schwarzenegger films, anyone? James Bond whomst??? But suddenly you have Rey who's arguably not better or worse than the likes of those characters, and yet, the general opinion of her is... kind of unfair. Understandable, nonetheless... I'm not a fan of her either but at the same time, I don't think we should judge her harsher than male characters who have similar treatments. Male characters like that shouldn't be excused. I'm not saying Stus are NEVER pointed out or criticized, but this guy does have a point. There seems to be a much more airtight scrutiny surrounding female characters of this nature and it might be due to internalized misogyny or ''something something quantum quantum...'' Granted, I don't think Stus/Sues should be a widely accepted overused theme regardless, and that should be blamed on poor writing rather than sexism. Whether male, female, both, neither and everything in-between, characters need to be well-written, well-developed, believable and nuanced and blah blah blah. I'm not really here to talk about that. What I want to point out is double standards. And yes, this is sexism.

Take Rick and Morty for example. I'm not going to get too deep into it, but the fandom seems to praise the shit out of Rick who can easily be labelled a Stu because as we're constantly reminded, he's supposedly the ''smartest man in the universe''. Now, when you create a character who is a self-professed genius and placed on a pedestal by the writers, it can definitely come off Stu-ish. It's not that Rick unrealistically lacks flaws... no, this man is LOADED with flaws, but the fact that he's a literal badass who can get out of almost any sticky situation... well, like I said, there's more to his character than that and I'm not going to get into it, but Rick rarely, if ever, fails. Sometimes there's moments of vulnerability and the fact that he keeps trying to change but just slips back into his old ways, that makes him much more 3-dimensional than a Stu... but you know, despite his narcissism, his sarcasm, his alcoholism and mistreatment of his family and his incapability of maintaining healthy long-term relationships, he still has a limitless ability to create, a superior intelligence level even when compared to higher lifeforms on other planets, enabling him to outsmart entire government organizations and civilizations spanning galaxies, well... you can see where I'm going with this. There's no person on this planet like that who exists irl, even among the smartest of history's greatest men. Yes, it's a cartoon, it's meant to be far-fetched. Yes, it's sci-fi so we're expected to suspend our disbelief. Yes, there's a reason for it. Yes, it drives the core of the story. But even if there's times where it seems Rick will definitely fail, he never truly has an ALL IS LOST MOMENT because the writers conveniently write him out of most of his troubles, because the series has to keep going (obviously). Basically, I never feel a real sense of danger when Rick is in trouble because I know he'll get out alive (if not, there's infinite amount of Ricks and infinite amount of realities to replace him-- not to mention he can replace his family members as many times as he fucks up which became the show's laziest overused point in my opinion). Rick's not a bad character. Far from it. That's not what bothers me.

What bothers me is his daughter, Beth. Okay, no, she doesn't specifically bother me. The way the fandom sees her bothers me. Now Beth is undoubtedly cut from the same cloth. You know what they say, like father like daughter. And yet... the fandom fails to recognize her as a potentially great character, just as equally flawed and brilliant minded as Rick. She's a genius horse surgeon in a failing marriage. (I will go out on a limb and say she's more well written than Rick *ducks from flying tomatoes*.) I mean, her story is literally almost the same as her father's, her flaws are just as realistic--in fact, she's probably more realistic because she's not the ''smartest so and so of the godforsaken universe'' which is just as bad as annoyingly cringey The Chosen One trope. She's just Beth. A terribly smart woman with abandonment issues and trust issues and all other kinds of issues, but you can't blame her given her upbringing. By no means perfect or good at everything she does. Or loved (or hated) by everyone or hailed a genius by the entire flipping universe. You can't even call her a Sue. Yet some of the fandom chooses to label her a b*tch for whatever reason... even though her characterization is near identical to D*ck, er I mean Rick (e.g. she drinks just as much when she hits an all time low). She's just as awful with just as many fuck ups yet she's more sympathetic due to the way Rick raised her (or didn't raise her)... yet there's a double standard because somehow, because she's a female, she's a worse character than Rick, who's a male and apparently awesome (brownie points because he's one of the the two titular characters so you *can't* hate him, it's against the law). If Beth were Rick's son instead of his daughter, I wonder if the general opinion would be the same or not. If Rick were a woman.... he would be Rey, now would he? Don't deny it.

Then there's Ed Edd n' Eddy. As much as I love praising the hell out of this show, I also like to crap on it. There's no shame in pointing out flaws in your faves. But this isn't so much the flaw in the actual show and the actual writing, but again, I'm taking a jab at the fandom and how they perceive male characters v. female characters.

Sarah. Sarah is almost exactly like the female Eddy. She's little and bratty and loud af. She's probably the most hated character on the show (even Jimmy and Kevin are more liked than she is). I used to not like Sarah either but I never really asked myself WHY. When I compared her to Eddy, I realized that they're literally, almost the same character and I have no real reason to hate her (yeah yeah a lot of the cul-de-sac kids share eerily similar traits to the Eds and it was no accident; it makes you wonder why the kids hate the Eds so much if they ostracize them for the very same quirks they have, and it's not just the scams--it's because kids at this age are terribly insecure about themselves and tend to make fun of more vulnerable others who share their flaws to make themselves feel better. I was bullied in middle school for acne by... wait for it.... kids who had acne. GASP. Imagine that. So my point is, we often despise traits in others we despise in ourselves, not to mention we don't perceive ourselves the way others perceive us, hence, the Looking Glass Self theory. Basically, EEnE is deeper than it appears on the surface, and I've analyzed this before during those EEnE Appreciation Month things, so I won't bother repeating myself, but that's the basic idea in a nutshell.)

Ahem, before I get off on a further tangent, let me reiterate my main point. Sarah IS Eddy. No, not really, but yes, kinda really. Her voice can be irritating and grates on your nerves at times, she's bossy and controlling of her friends (I honestly love her friendship with Jimmy, and how they both defy stereotypical gender norms, and how protective she is of him, but there's times where she pushes his buttons), and though she doesn't hold Jimmy back from finding his own independence apart from her the way Eddy sometimes does to Ed and Edd who he treats them more as cronies in the first season (for instance, Sarah doesn't raise objection to Jimmy joining the Urban Rangers and finding his own identity and making other friends besides her, I mean they don't have to be glued to the hip and she damn well knows that), and yet... the way she treats Ed... well... even if Eddy stands up for Ed against Sarah and grows increasingly annoyed with the way she walks all over him... Eddy ain't much better, pumpkins. DON'T ACT LIKE HE'S BETTER THAN HER. Sure, male characters *always* get excused for this kind of behavior, but if it's a girl, she's automatically a mega beyotch with no redeeming qualities. If she's a b, he's a b, and they both have potential to redeem their flaws.  They should be treated equally.

Don't get me wrong. I LOVE Eddy. He's one of my favorite characters. OPE. And there's the tea.

Most people LOVE Eddy (not everybody, and if you don't, that's fine; you don't even have to like Sarah, but I have a case). Despite the fact that he's bossy, sarcastic, rude, selfish, self-absorbed, over confident, flamboyant, vain, screams with a voice that makes your ears bleed.... well, gee, didn't I just describe Sarah? Sarah loves make-up clothes and hair just as much as Eddy loves speedos and deodorant and cheap shampoo and dressing to the nines for Jonny's Arbor Day Party. Hell, Sarah had a complete meltdown because she lost her freakin' earring! Eddy flipped the fuck out when Ed lost his porno mags. THEY'RE. THE. SAME. FUCKING. PERSON. (and it's why they butt heads but that's a topic for another day, because you know, you can't fight fire with fire... you can argue the same for Eddy and Kevin)

Yet, the fandom HATES Sarah and LOVES Eddy. Probably not cuz she's female, but aside from the Kankers, the girls (and Jimmy, poor Jimmy) seem to receive harsher judgment towards them as characters by fans, even if they have similar traits to the boys. I'm sure it's because Sarah isn't as well written or developed a character as Eddy (who's a main cast member, actually the driving force of the show, the primary lead) BUT that's not to say Sarah doesn't have her moments of vulnerability or moments of total bad-assery that makes her.... well... interesting  if given the chance. (In BPS, she beats the living shit out of the Kankers and devises a plan for her and Jimmy to escape their enslavement, one of my all-time favorite scenes in the entire movie; not to mention she beats the crap out of EVERYONE on the show and it's usually, not always, well-deserved but it's entertaining nonetheless: cat fights with Nazz, even beating up Rolf who's twice her size, etc.). The fact that everyone is afraid of this little girl??? (maybe except Kevin). I mean, this chick is fearless, and yet, she still has moments of weakness. That's 3-dimensional if you ask me. She's more than just the bratty little sister. I didn't used to like her, but after studying her more, I've come to appreciate her. There's nothing about her that makes her an inherently ''bad'' female character. She plays a role, as do they all, and she plays the role perfectly.

Last but not least: Nazz. Everyone's favorite (I'm kidding). I don't know if the fandom hates Sarah or Nazz more. I can understand the hate towards Sarah, but Nazz seems even less just. Nazz is like one of the nicest people on the show and never really does anything to warrant the hate (until the infamous flanderized Season 5-- don't judge me, I love S5 regardless)... but even then she's still nice, if a bit artificially so. I mean, she becomes a bit of a Mean Girl (they all kinda do; it must be how the clique school environment changes a person), but she still goes out of her way to be inclusive towards everyone (even if she can be spotted in the background laughing at the Eds along with the others at times, but they're ALL guilty of this... ya'll out here lovin' on Rolf or Jonny or whatever, and pretending like they're saints, but they laugh at our precious Ed boys too. Also, precious Ed boys are not complete angels either and sometimes they need a good ass whooping or two. I mean, they're just kids. Kids are assholes). She's not a bad person though; she roots for all the contestants during the Spelling Bee. She personally appoints Ed to be the mascot of the football team. I can go on and on. She's just nice. Maybe that's why fans hate her. Because nice is boring. Nice is... personality-less. I don't think Nazz has as much eccentricity as the other characters, obviously, but she, too, has her moments (she yodels, for starters). She's not entirely lacking in personality. Sure, she may have as much personality as a board of wood (actually, I take that back, Plank has MORE personality than her XD) buuuut.... Idk, I like Nazz. I didn't at first either. But even if it irks me a bit that she's reduced down to the unattainable love interest and not much else, she, too, isn't an inherently ''bad'' female character. She has the least development of all the cast members, but she fills her role effectively. Without her, the show would feel like it's missing something. Even if she doesn't appear as often.

What bothers me the most is that she plays the same part as Kevin, only female. Kevin's the quintessential jock/bully popular leader of the kids, the King of the Cul-de-sac if you will (self-appointed or otherwise, just don't tell Eddy I told you). Nazz is like his Homecoming Queen, even if they're not an official couple (they spend the whole series as a ''will they or won't they Ross and Rachel'') and though not the leader of the kids collectively, she does sometimes lead the girls (or really, Sarah and Jimmy), while Kevin leads the boys (Jonny and Rolf, excluding the Eds). AND YET Kevin, though sometimes hated by fans, isn't nearly *as* hated as Nazz. Yet, he has as much personality as her (sorry, I love you, Kev). I mean, THEY'RE. ALMOST. THE. SAME. CHARACTER. Good looking, sporty, popular... He's also the least developed character of the male cast. Plank has more development than him and that's kinda sad... y'know... getting beat by a board of wood. (But Plank comes alive through Jonny, so basically Jonny is split into two separate characters; Plank reveals aspects of Jonny that he won't reveal to us, and vice versa. I can talk about Jonny all day, but let's not, because this is about Nazz.) I mean, again, Nazz and Kevin both have their moments of vulnerability and it's not like they're NEVER interesting; I beg to differ. Kevin, anyway, has two great episodes that revolve directly around his insecurities and anxieties and deep-seated fears, some deep shit I wish we got to see with Nazz. But instead we got BPS and it was hands-down the best character development we ever saw from her in the entire show's run. It's sad it had to be the end, because if they gave us more BPS Nazz throughout the series, she would have been a well rounded 3-d character.

Nazz is angry AF in BPS and I live for angry Nazz. We can kind of feel for her here because Kevin is such a dunce. She's finally reciprocating his feelings and he decides to turn the other way.... for his goddamn inanimate bike. It's something Jonny would do, but Kev always loved that bike... I guess more than Nazz, and it's one of the greatest love triangles ever. Phantom of the Opera don't interact. Ahem. My point is, Nazz finally displays more personality here-- like actual fucking emotion beyond just being nice and pretty (sure, we've seen her get angry sometimes, or freaked out other times, but never like this). Buuuuuut the fandom sees otherwise. They hated Nazz even MORE after this, despite that.... the male characters in BPS, like Rolf who punches through a tree and Edd and Eddy who go at it all piss and vinegar in an actual fist fight, are angry fucking men, and they're allowed to be angry and not Nazz because...? They have more testosterone and she doesn't? Because penises are more justified than vaginas? Oops, no, sorry, women can only be angry when they're on their periods, my bad. I mean, everybody's out in this freezing cold swamp, having a break down, at their wit's end, reaching their ''all is lost'' moment... yet, Rolf and the Eds are allowed to vent their frustrations on each other or on the surrounding environment. But not Nazz. No, Nazz is being a b*tch because.... Kevin's paying more attention to a non-living machine than to her. And he sat flat on his skinny ass and didn't help her when she needed him the most. And she didn't have to tag along with him but she did. She didn't have to put up with his cold aloofness but she did. And even if she was trying to catch his attention and flirt with him at inappropriate times she wasn't entirely useless. It was HER idea to find Eddy's brother. If she hadn't suggested it, he'd still be riding around in circles chasing his shadow. Yeah, okay, she's a total b*tch.

God forbid women have emotions. God forbid women cry or get frustrated. Then they're b*tches. But if they're pretty and nice and perfect and popular, they're Sues. Yet, male characters with the same traits.... get lighter sentences. No one even bats an eye. Boys will be boys am I right?

I can go on but yeah, don't say double standards are total BS. In this essay I will

[contrivedcoincidences6]

The Invisible Cord- Ch. 7

Previous chapters

***

November 2011

The Green Creek Motel

Right outside of Washington D.C.

Bright lights, loud drilling sounds, suction, voices in English and Japanese the sensations fill me and I begin to panic.

Grounding. Where am I?

I’m in an empty parking lot.

Why?

Because of the mysterious email claiming to have information about my baby.

The hour I’ve been sitting here has felt like years but the panic subsided slightly as I practice my calming techniques.

After an eternity a car followed closely by an SUV enter the parking lot. I feel for my gun. Not long after my abduction I bought it and have kept it near ever since.

A man exits the car and looks right at me and nods.

Pocketing my gun, I exit my car carefully.

He looks in the window of the car and gives another nod.

A door opens and a girl exits For a few moments we just stare at each other. Her face is serious, but her eyes are soft.

Her daddy’s eyes.

My baby.

The one that was stolen from me, thought to be dead. Here she is standing in front of me.

It feels like I’m moving through molasses as I cross to her. She is standing with another girl, the redhead holds my girl's hand with both of hers. My daughter looks me right in the eyes with curiosity. In her face I see myself as a teenager, her bright, wide, almond-shaped eyes and narrow face take me back to a more innocent time.

We just stand there looking at each other for the longest time. Finally, I reach out a shaky hand, “My name is Violet, I believe I’m your mother.”

I barely make contact before my girl throws herself into my arms and buries her face in my neck.

For the first time in sixteen years my life feels full.

_________________________________________________

The Green Creek Motel

The ‘suite’ at the motel makes me wonder what the standard rooms look like. We all crowd in.  And it’s a tight fit but no one really seems to notice.

I can’t stop looking at Emily- April. Since we saw her both Scully and I have been unable to stop looking at her. The urge to stay near is impossible to ignore, it’s primal, the need to protect my family.

There is an unreasonable fear welling up inside that tells me if she leaves my sight she will be gone again forever.

And so I loom over April and Scully glancing around as if a villain is about to jump out of the shitty painting on the wall. One hand is planted on Scully’s lower back while the other rests in the air behind April, ready if anyone makes a move.

April’s hair is a darker red than her mother’s and she stands a few inches taller but it’s undeniable that they are mother and daughter.

My thoughts begin to wander down a sad path as I picture her as a little girl with a toothless smile, cheering at a softball game as she runs the bases, cuddling together and watching B Sci-fi films, it all haunts me.

The anger and sadness form a large knot at the pit of my stomach and I fight the urge to punch the nearest wall.

The clones walk to the center of the room to face us. Seeing the clone of Samantha still stings, we make eye contact until she seems to sense my pain and looks away.

“There are currently dangerous people looking for you.” Kurt gestures to the teens, “We you need to understand that you can’t go back to your normal lives. I can promise you that they’re watching your homes right now and are just waiting for the opportunity to strike. They wouldn’t hurt the girls but I can promise they wouldn’t hesitate to kill you.” He makes eye contact with each of the adults.

“Who are these people coming after us?” May’s mother, Violet, speaks up. She’s small and looks as exhausted as Scully and me.

“A different group than the ones that originally took your children, though there are some connections. They are led by a woman named Diana Fowley.”

My mouth falls open and Scully freezes.

“No.” Scully shakes her head, “She’s dead; I saw her body.”

Kurt gives a somewhat robotic shrug, “Her death was faked. For some time she was in hiding but near the end of Spender’s life she came back and took over. It turns out the old man always had a backup plan. Years ago he’d made clones of all of the members of the syndicate and of the men who worked for them, he saw it as a way to gain full control. So Fowley took over these operations and in the end it cost him the little control he had. At this time she has some of the clones out looking for you.”

“Clones of who?” Scully asks with narrowed eyes.

“CGB Spender, Krycek, Jeffery Spender, the entire syndicate. Along with some lesser hit men.”

I meet Scully’s eyes and see the fear. She pulls April closer to her.

“So what are we supposed to do now?” I huff, frustrated to be just hearing this for the first time.

“We have a safe place for you but it’s far.” Kurt answers.

“And isolated.” Samantha finishes.

“Will we be separated?” April asks in a small voice.

Kurt and Samantha look at each other for a moment and there is silence that is broken by May.

“We are not going anywhere without each other! You won’t separate us!” Her tone leaves no room for argument and April nods in full agreement.

“It will be more dangerous with all of you together.”

“Doesn’t matter. We won’t be separated.” May says evenly.

Kurt sighs and looks to his companion, “I suppose we can make it work. But understand there is a higher chance of being caught.”

Scully stiffens and I squeeze her shoulder.  I know we are feeling the same reluctance the clones are but we don’t know what their lives have been like. The looks on the girls’ faces give us a clue as to how much they need each other. It’s a look I know I’ve worn when people have tried to separate Scully and I.

They need to stay together

Violet’s expression mirrors the intense one her daughter wears, “We stay together.”

I look at Scully who closes her eyes but nods reluctantly.

“Alright then. We have new cars outback. We need to move now.”

__________________________________________________

November 2011

Somewhere in Nebraska (17 hours in)

My parents and May’s mom take turns driving the SUV that holds all of us as we follow behind Kurt and Samantha. So far the clones are scant on details, which seems to be driving my father insane. I can see the tension in his hands on the wheel. The passenger seat next to him is empty as both mothers are loath to leave our sides.

He’s done most of the driving; I think it helps him feel like he has more power over the situation than he does. When we first started out I was sitting next to my mother who was stiff. I could tell she wanted to hold me but was gauging my reaction. I wanted to be held by her but at the same time felt incredibly uncomfortable by the idea.

I wasn’t held much as a child, at least not by adults. Most of my childhood was spent cuddled up next to May. So I moved closer to her slowly but as soon as I laid my head on her shoulder I became a junkie for her attention. Her fingers, long and delicate, move through my hair as she rests her cheek on my head. It feels unreal.

Her turn to drive comes when we reach Omaha and all take a good stretch. I exit the bathroom with May and her mom and see my parents leaning against the car as it fills with gas. She is leaning fully into him as his big frame practically swallows her whole. It is nice. Even May smiles at the image and looks softly at me, taking my hand.

My father moves into the back seat next to me. I’m wide-awake by this point and can’t hold back the barrage of questions. He smiles and responds to all of them happily with his arm resting comfortably behind me. I pull my legs up on the seat and hold them to my chest, hanging on to his every word. Every few minutes my mom will interject or correct him, usually correct, and I find myself missing growing up with them.

When I notice how heavy his eyelids are getting I shut up to let him sleep. The utter peace on his sleeping face makes me tired and I begin to drift off until a long-forgotten memory comes to me of him holding me as a little girl. The memory is hot to the touch. I think I had a fever. I was scared and in and out of consciousness but he was so gentle. He held me, kissing my head and telling me everything was going to be okay.

I look over at him and note the differences in his face. In my memories he is so young, almost boyish, now his face is lined and he looks tired. On instinct, I rest my head on his shoulder.

He shifts and puts his arm around me and I think of all the times in my life I tried to picture my father. He’s different than I imagined but so much better. As he seems to be falling back asleep I feel a soft kiss on my head and quickly fall asleep as well.

__________________________________________________

November 2011

Location unknown

The anger nearly blinds me as Jeffery Spender tries to explain over the phone how they lost Mulder and Scully.

“How?” I say through clenched teeth, “How could you possibly lose them?”

“I don’t know. Scully left in the morning like she usually does. Around lunchtime, Mulder took a taxi to take lunch with her. I followed them to the hospital. Mulder came out an hour later and went to the library-”

“I don’t need their fucking itinerates!” I ground out.

“I waited outside there for hours and he never came out! I called the hospital and asked for Scully and they said she had left for the day. When I went in to see if I could find him he was gone. They must have known they were being followed. They didn’t leave any kind of trail.” He says, unable to hide the panic in his voice.

Pinching the bridge of my nose I sigh, “There has to be some kind of lead. Get one of our people in the police department to track their cars.”

“What if they’ve changed cars?”

“Just do it!” I yelled into the phone before slamming it back down and look up at the clone of a once-great man. His jowls jiggle as he talks, his voice arrogant as ever even as he stands before me, his superior.

“Ma’am we have found information on who helped the children escape. We believe they’re also responsible for contacting Mulder and Scully.”

He holds out a folder containing pictures of the clones of Kurt Crawford and Samantha Mulder talking to the teens.

“How. Did. This. Happen.” The words leaving my mouth are deadly quiet but the next sentence is an explosion, “I thought all of these things were dead!”

“We did too ma’am. We’re investigating that as well. Would you like us to use some of our people in the FIB to get their pictures out there?”

I nod and flick my hand dismissing him. There was documentation of the clones being destroyed. Their production was watched over carefully and their numbers were always well documented. When they eradicated the clones, or when they tried to, the numbers matched up.

The other clone members of the syndicate were sitting around the room waiting for order in eerie silence. Rather than finding it discomforting the silence just makes me smile.

I slam my hand on the desk in frustration and they jump.

“Will you idiots go make yourselves fucking useful?!” I growl at them, “Go through the old files and videos. Call our people on the inside. Do some actual intel! Just do something besides sit here uselessly!”

They scatter like roaches while I massage my forehead. The unanswered questions spin around my head forcing me into a chair. How could they have figured out a way to have the girls live independent of their injections? They must have someone on the inside. Finding out how those goddamed clones got their hands on the formula might lead me to someone who knows where they are. It is only a matter of time until we catch them. I just have to be patient.

[missnxthingg]

screen partner | tom holland

AN: I really was pretty bored before doing this, but I’m trying to increase my imagine portfolio since I’m on my vacations, what means, I have no fucking thing to do but writing and reading. I hope you like it. Also, sorry if the “keep reading” doesn’t appear. Somehow this thing really doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to pop out when I add it to the text.

Warnings: SMUT and unprotected sex (just don’t do it kids), swearing, angst, alcohol.

Words: 3.7K

………………………….

Work was tiring, at least like this after a few weeks of non-stoping filming and lots of flights to promote your new movie. It was a sci-fi movie, where you were one of the main characters, and had way too much screen time on the movie. You’ve been everywhere, Spain, The States, Japan, Brazil, Portugal, Italy, and now you’re back at your own country, England. It wasn’t exactly your hometown though, you were from Sheffield, and now you were in London, hometown for many of your coworkers, like Tom Holland.

He was having an amazing time now, and that bothered you most of the times. He usually hosts many “after parties” for when the press day is done, just to chill out with the cast, the crew and now that he’s home, with his friends and family. As much as you love to party, you were tired and also, you kind of hate him. Not like hate him, you somehow just don’t like him that much. He irritates you and is always flirty and needy, a thing you personally don’t like that much. But anyway, you didn’t think he was that bad, but the rest of the cast was pure shit. You didn’t make any friends, and he was the closest to a friend you had made over the whole year working with them, but really, the parties were stupid.

That night you were wondering throught the hotel halls, carrying your heels, and slowly walking to your bedroom, located at the end of the corridor. You moaned at the distance, but kept going. The entire floor was reserved for the cast and crew that were working along with them. Your assistent was out with her boyfriend, so you had the bedroom all for yourself tonight, which you enjoyed very much. As you got closer to the middle of the hallway, music started to play, a really loud and annoying one. It had a really bad lyric and bass line. You moaned in disgust and kept going, hoping to find your hot water shower and your comfortable bed. As you passed through the opened door, you could hear your name being called in the middle of that awfull song.

“Y/N, already going to bed?” You would recognize that voice anywhere, since you’ve been working together a lot now, once he is your romantic pair in the movie.

“Long press day Holland. All I need right now is my bed.” You said, shortly and trying to completely show your lack of interest.

“Come have a drink, darling.” He said, running his fingers through his hair, giving you a shy smile and looking directly into you.

“No, thank you.” You said and started to walk as quick as possible, but once you heard your name again, you came back in a heartbeat.

“Forget about Y/N, she’s boring as hell. She can’t have a good time like us. I’m not even sure of she has ever been to a party.” That voice cut through the air like glass, and you immediately got that throw up feeling you always feel when you hear it. Sierra was supposed to be your best friend in the movie, but in real life all you wanted to do is choke her so she could stop talking. She was the only american in the cast, but her forced british accent was getting on your nerves, but you had to admit, you two were perfectly great actresses, since it seemed like it was a solid friendship in the movie. You turned back and with one hand on the door you said.

“Excuse me. I know how to have a good time and sure I have been to plenty of parties. I’m from Sheffield, we get fucked up and listen to Spice Girls.” At this point you were already into the room. Tom was looking at you with a small smile on his lips. “I just don’t enjoy the people around here, specially you. But i could perfectly stay and be as cool as you all think you are.”

You turned your back for a dramatic outing, but once you heard her voice again, your blood started to boil.

“Prove it.” She said and you turned your back. Sierra turned her eyes to the girl doing body shots with one of the actors in the movie and you laughed.

“You’re fucking kidding me, right?” You cursed, rolling you eyes.

“You said you could be as cool as we are.”

“As you think you are.” You approached the table and got the vodka bottle on your hands.“Pick someone.”

She looked around the room. Anyone she would pick around there would be the worst to you. Everyone there only thought about the money and fame and you hated it. Her eyes scrowled through everyone, but finally landed in the guy standing right next to her.

“Tommy, my love, do you mind?”

“Fuck.” You whispered, praying that she didn’t hear you.

Tom sat at the couch and reclined on the seat. You rolled your eyes and gave her the bottle. The room went loud, and everyone was just waiting for something great to happen. You got down and helped him remove his black top, revealing his body. “God, he’s fit”, you thought, but kept going with it all. You were glad she picked him, because you knew she was in some kind of insane love about him and you wanted to provoke her. So you ran your hands down his body and looked at him, paralized and looking at you.

“Are you sure?” He asked and you agreed with you head.

“Do it.” You looked at her and she approached him and poured some of the liquor in the area close to his neck. Before it reached his trouser, you started to lick it all, slowly going up through his body. But when you were done, you just kept going. You sat on his lap, one leg on each side of him, and started to leave kisses over his collarbone, neck and jaw, where you stopped and left a hickey behind. You got away from him and cleaned you mouth.

“Wow.” He said, still paralized on his spot.

“Good night.” You said before getting your shoes back on your hands and walking off there, leaving a really jealous Sierra behind and everyone screaming in excitement. You kept walking, you were so close to your room, but you heard your name again, but this time you decided to ignore it.

“Y/N, wait.” He said reaching you and holding your wrist. You looked at him. Tom was now wearing his shirt back on.

“What is it?” You asked, kind of bored.

“What just happened?” He asked and you rolled your eyes and crossed your arms on your chest. “Why did you do that?”

“To fucking shut Sierra’s mouth for once. She’s such an idiot that it makes me want to tie her mouth up.”

“Really? Cause I kind of think you wanted to do it.”

“It wasn’t me who got a hard while I was sitting at your lap.” You said, getting away from there, and you could feel him blushing even though you couldn’t see his face.

“Look, i know she’s annoying, trust me, even I can’t bear it anymore. But was that actually just to bother her, because this right here…” He said pointing to his jaw and you opened your room’s door.

“Was just a reminder to everyone that I can do anything, including what I just did.” You entered your room, and he followed you inside. “What in the name of sanity are you doing?”

“Trying to talk to my friend.” He said and you laughed.

“You’re not my friend, Holland.” You said and you started to take off your jewerly and placing it on their original cases.

“That hurt.” He said and sat down at your bed. “Where’s that ginger one that’s always following you around?”

“She’s out on a date, won’t be returning any time soon.” You said getting into the toilet, slightly closing the door and changing your dress to your silk nightgown. He nodded in response when you got out of the toilet. “Aren’t you coming back to the party with that blonde one and your brothers?”

“Oh, they left a few minutes ago. Also, it’s really nice in here.” He said, lying down in you bed.

“Fuck off!” You said, pointing to the door.

“Noooo, Y/N, we never really got the chance to bond. Look, I know you think I’m annoying…”

“Yeah, you’re right.” You interrupted.

“But I’m trying to be nice to you. I know I messed up when we met, but I’m trying to make up for the shitty comment I made about your hometown and your accent.”

“It’s not nice to treat a woman like that.” You said looking down to the floor.

The first day you two met, Tom made fun of your strong South Yorkshire accent, and so he asked where you were from, and so when you said Sheffield, he started to laugh and told some joke about the Arctic Monkeys. You were pissed, and to you, he instantly became a bore. You never really talked after that one time, or at least you always tried to ignore him.

You left to get rid off your makeup, washing your face with some products made specially for this kind of thing. He stood at the toilet door, watching you clean your face.

“I’m sorry. Sheffield’s nice, and about your accent, it’s the cutest I’ve ever seen in my entire life.”

You could feel your face blush even underneath the cold water. So you dried your face and glanced a look at him. He had a crooked smile on his face.

“It’s okay Holland.”

“You can call me Tom.”

“Right, Tom.” You said emphasizing the Tom. “Could you please leave, I really fancy a sleep.”

“No, I want to stay here.” He said, coming back to your bed and taking his shoes off.

“God, I really can’t stand you.” You said massaging your temples and he left a place by his side.

“Come to bed, darling. I promise not to do anything.”

“You could do nothing in YOUR fucking bed.”

“Come on, babe. There’s a shitload of people partying at my room, and I’m trying to hide from Sierra.” Oh, that girl always had to pop up eventually in everyone’s conversation.

“Fuck, okay. You can stay back, but no funny things and no TV, I really need to rest.” You said lying down at your side, turning around and giving him your back. You both stayed silent for a while, but once he said.

“Nice tattoo.” He referenced to the small flower at the back of your ear.

“Shut up.”

“Why are you always so mean to people? God, you’re so pretty, but so rude.” He said and you turned back to him.

“You think I’m pretty?” You asked, feeling something at the bottom of your stomach. It wasn’t the first time you got that feeling. The first time was when he shared a doughnut with you and cleaned some sugar out of your bottom lip. It came around a lot, and just came to say hi to you.

“You’re gorgeous.” He said and you smiled, making him do his surprise face, but smiling afterwards. “See, much better than screaming and eye rolling.”

“Sorry, is just that everyone on this movie never was nice to me once. You’re the first one.”

“I’ve been trying to be nice to you for so long, but you never let me.”

“I guess I was just hurt.” You said and turned your back to him. “You’re alright, Holland.”

“Hey, I know you’re tired, so I think I’m gonna leave. Sorry for bothering.” He got up, but you turned back to him.

“Stay. I could really talk to someone right now.”

He got back to bed and you sat right next to him, playing with the cheets around your legs. You kept looking down, thinking how to start a conversation.

“I though that maybe talking would make us connect a bit more.”

“So what do you want to talk about?”

From that point on, you talked about everything, about your early lives, your friends, your work, what did you like to eat, do, watch, listen. You kept talking until you heard that the music stopped and Tom went to check if everyone was gone, but he came back holding the keys to his room.

“All gone.” He said and you were now scrowling through Netflix, looking for a movie to watch. You just went with Mean Girls, a movie you always watch when you have nothing more to watch and you’re really bored. It always made you laugh a lot, so it was nice. He lied right next to you and you started to watch it. You turned your back to him, covering everything but your shoulders. You really got distracted with the movie, and didn’t realize how close he was to you right now. He stroked you hair and got it out of you way, exposing your shoulders to him. Your body trembled, and you were enjoying his touch. So he started to leave kisses on your back, collarbone, neck and finally, he got to your ear.

“What are you doing?” You asked. By now, he had his hands all over your tights.

“Getting revenge from the hickey in my jaw.” He left a small one being you ear and you moaned in response.

“So it was all to get into my panties, really nice Holland.” You said getting away from him, and turning to face him.

“No, fuck… I really wanted to be your friend. But God, you drove me insane back at the party. I can still feel your tongue burning through my body. Didn’t you feel something there too?”

You thought about the moment, and hell, of course you did feel something. You wanted more of that, his body was flawless and you were kind of needing a bit of sex. It’s been a while now. So you lied back down and pulled him closer. He got over you and his hands went for your waist and yours went for the hair. He came closer and brushed your lips together.

“I’ve been wanting to do this for a long time.” He said.

“You already kissed me on the set.” You said between your heavy breath.

“It isn’t the same.” He said and finally connected your lips.

It was different from when you kissed on camera. You felt something, a thing you’ve never felt before. You’ve kissed plenty of people, but he was different. Your started rubbing your waist on his, and his hand went down to your booty.

“Fuck, I hate you.” You said between kisses.

“That’s not what your body is telling me.” He said and his hands got into your panties, and his fingers touched your lady bit and he moaned. “Fuck, Y/N, you’re so wet.”

“Look what you made me do baby.” He got your night gown off, and was really glad that you weren’t wearing a bra. He was hypnotized by your tits, and he sucked it like it was going to be the last thing he was about to do on his life. You moaned in response, leaving scratches on the back of his head.

“You’re the worst.” He said and came back to your mouth. You helped him take his shirt off, and ran your fingers through his body once again.

“Your body is so amazing.” You said, analizing every bit of it.

“It’s yours tonight, love.” And so he began to thrill his way to your down, leaving kisses all over your belly and tights. He got rid off your panties very quickly. His fingers met your heat very soon, and he moaned once again on how wet you was. He stimulated your clitoris, and swiped one finger in, slowly, making you go insane. You moaned and he smiled, looking at you. “Look at me when I do this to you.”

“Shit!” You screamed and he swiped another finger in, pumping harder than before. You let your head go back and your eyes rolled. Your fingers were holding the sheets so hard you thought you were going to rip it. “Oh fuck! Tom, please, fuck me.”

“Not yet, darling.” So his lips met your parts and you could feel his tongue slowly traveling to every bit around your lady part. Your couldn’t stand it anymore and you let a loud moan come out of your mouth.

“FUCK!” You screamed and he stopped. “Why did you stop?”

“Be quiet or daddy will punish you.”

“This won’t work with me.” You said and he laughed.

“Oh, it will.” So he started from where he stopped, going faster than before. Your fingers met his hair, rolling the small curls around them and pulling them, but something making him go deeper.

“T-Tommy.” You said and bit your bottom lip. “I-I’m gonna cum, fuck!” You said once again.

“Cum for me baby, cum for Tommy.” He said using his fingers again, and you felt it. You couldn’t hold it anymore and you exploded on his fingers, letting a lot moan echo through the room. “Do you still hate me?”

“Sooooo much.” You said almost breathless. He sucked the cum out your bottom and went to kiss you again, so you tasted yourself on his mouth. “But now it’s your turn to hate me.”

Now you were on top. You sat on his lap and moved your hips for a while. You could feel his hardness on yourself and you loved how your body had this kind of effect on him. You got down and got rid off his pants. You used your hands to provoke him a bit more, running them on his member from above the underwear.

“Fuck babe, you’re driving me insane.” He whispered and you kissed him, shortly. But got down to him again.

This time you took his underwear off and started running your hands through his length. He pushed his head back, closing his eyes and moaning. You could feel his dick pumping on your hands. So you took it to your mouth, going up and down, making him moan even more, and say dirty things to you. It was getting thicker and thicker, and you saw he wasn’t going to take it any longer.

“Not yet.” You said and stopped playing with him and just lied on his arms, where he kissed you gently, but the desire was always present.

He got on top, and used his hands to explore your body, and you were loving it. No one did such a thing to you in a long time. He positioned and slowly got his length inside you. You both moaned together.

“Oh baby, you’re so tiny.” He said very close to her ears. “Shit, I never would have imagined you and I would have ended up like this.”

“Neither would I.” You said and he started to go faster, making you moan even more.

“Shit! I forgot the condom!” He said, but didn’t stop.

“I’m on the pill.” You said and pulled him closer, using your nails to scretch his back. “You’re clean, right?”

“Yes, very clean, and you?”

“C-clean as a-always. Fuck.” She moaned. “Oh darling, you’re so good.”

“You’re the best, love.” He moaned.

Never in a lifetime you would have imagined to be like this with Tom Holland. You used to unbare him, but you had to admit, you were just being the boring twat you always are. Now he has proven to you more than ever that he’s a nice guy. He pumped into you a few times more, but he knew he wasn’t going to last longer.

“Fuck! I’m gonna cum.” He pratically screamed, going as fast as he could.

“Cum outside me.”

He got out of her and started to pump himself, until he came all over your belly, moaning more than before. When he stopped, he used a towel to clean him and you up. And so he got down to you again.

“What are you doing Tommy?” You asked.

“You didn’t cum yet.” He said, letting two fingers come into you. He was as fast as he was before, and it was driving you insane. He started to kiss you again, and you couldn’t help but stop the kiss sometimes to moan. You were close, but you were trying to hold it so it wouldn’t be over. He kept saying dirty things to you like “Cum to me princess”. Once you couldn’t stop it and exploded a second time that night on his hands. He cleaned it up with his mouth and towel.

“Come here, love.” You said and he lied on you chest, and you let your fingers stroke his hair.

“We came from dickwad to love. I loved how this night turned our lives sideways.”

“Yeah, me too.” You said smiling. He started to draw little hearts with his on your belly. “Tom.”

“Yes, love.” He said looking at you.

“I really want to keep up being your friend.”

“I would prefer to have something better. Fancy a dinner sometime?”

“Sure, why not?” You said and he cuddled you for a bit more, but so he got up. “Are you leaving?”

“We need a bath, we’re disgusting.” He said and you laughed following him to the toilet. He was now looking at the mirror and you hugged him from behind.

“You’re really fit, Holland.”

“Thank you.” He said looking at you through the mirror. “And I just realized something.”

“What is it?” You asked.

“I prefer when you moan Tommy instead of calling me Holland.”

“Dickhead.” You cursed and laughed.

“Come on, let’s do it together.”

He pulled you into the bath and you both had a lot of fun playing with each other and with the soap and shampoo. Nothing sexual, just bonding. That was the moment you knew it wasn’t just about sex, it wasn’t just to provoke Sierra. It was something more and you loved the idea of that new friendship, or just like he said, something else.

…………………….

I don’t have a taglist yet, but if you would like to see some more of me, send me an ask.

[deniigi]

I had a really bad day (I wont say why because I wouldnt want you to feel like I'm guilting you into anything) and I was wondering if maybe you had a dfv/lfv or inimitable verse drabble you havent put up or one on here you really like you could point me to (navigation is hard on mobile) or even just some like hcs. If not its totally ok! You dont owe me anything. But I thought I'd ask and see if that's ok.

Oh no!

Sorry that you had a rough day my dear. I don’t have much in the works for those verses right now (I’ve been hammering my head against a wall, trying to write out a piece exploring Gwen and Murderdock’s relationship–it’s not working tho, so I’m stopping). Of course any of the Clint-based pieces are fun in those verses if you need a pick me up, but I am equally fond of Chapter 13 of Sidebars.

But! If you don’t mind a little piece from Lying by Omission/The Sprawl I’ve got cute little bit of Jack and Ben going out to dinner with Matt and Peter?

I’ll put it under the cut if you’re down

—-

“Dad, let’s go out to eat.”

Jack didn’t trust that. Jack had been scarred by the durian. Permanently scarred. He was never coming back from the durian. He was etching a durian with a big ‘X’ through it into the top of his next coffin for future archaeologists to find and have absolutely no questions about.

Matt, sensing that he was presently not receiving the amount of attention that he could be receiving, oozed out of the kitchen and draped himself over the back of the couch, right behind Jack’s shoulders. Jack glanced to the side and noted that he was wearing shoes.

He wasn’t chancing it.

“No shoes on the couch,” he said.

“It’s my couch,” Matt hummed, already migrating over to the couch’s arm, no doubt to burrow his way under Jack’s own arm.

“It’s a couch.”

“My couch,” Matt hummed, plucking Jack’s phone out of his hand and tossing it callously to the other side of said couch. He then executed the burrow and wriggled himself over so that he was the sole occupant of Jack’s lap. He waited, as sweet as could be, until he had Jack’s more or less undivided attention.

The kid was heavy. Jack couldn’t tell if he knew just how heavy he was.

He suspected that he was more than aware of it.

Matt beamed at him. He did not pull his shoed feet over the couch’s arm.

A sign of obedience. Or perhaps a buttering-up technique.

Tricky, tricky.

“Why do we need to go out to eat? What’s wrong with what’s in the fridge?” Jack asked Matt’s untrustworthy grin.

It faded a little because there was a pout which needed doing.

“I’m tired of eating potatoes,” Matt huffed.

“Take it back,” Jack scolded him. “I won’t hear any raggin’ on tatties in this household.”

“I want rice.”

“I’ll make you rice, Matty.”

“I don’t want your rice.”

Picky little shit. Just like his mother. She’d been the type to refuse a peanut butter and jelly sandwich if the slop wasn’t equally distributed.

Jack’s rice was perfectly fine. It even had bits of onion in it. If he was feeling real fancy, he might even cook it in broth or something.

“Fine, so make rice yourself,” he said. Matt squirmed up and wrapped arms around Jack’s neck. He put his cheek against it and immediately made the skin there it itch.

“You need a shave,” Jack huffed, reaching back for his phone. Vanessa was doing battle with her replacement: Bella the cat. She was giving their zombie group the play by play of the her and the cat’s opposing campaigns to win Wade’s favor. Thus far, Bella had broken a plate and gotten scratchies and kisses for it. Vanessa was outraged.

It was an outrage to behold.

“Daddy.”

Not this again. This was no reason to bring out the big guns.

“Get your shoes,” Matt whined.

“Baby, you can go out. I’m not stopping you from going out. No one is stopping you from going out, god help us,” Jack told him.

Matt abandoned his neck, stretched out, quick as a whip, and snatched the phone on the other cushion. He crammed it into his shirt and then replaced himself and his face-broom against Jack’s pulse point.

Yeah.

Yeah, Jack didn’t know what he’d expected to happen here.

“Matt,” he warned.

“Dinner.”

“The last time we went to dinner, you broke my heart, soul, and trust.”

“I won’t do it again.”

“Uh-huh. Yeah, right. ”

“I won’t,” Matt promised, pulling back to add puppy eyes to the mix.

That was unfair. Uncalled for. Totally underhanded.

“Why don’t you go out with Foggy?” Jack tried as a last-ditch effort.

“Because I want to go out with you,” Matt emphasized. “My pops. My old man. We gotta bond. It’ll make me more well-adjusted. The internet says so.”

Jack was confiscating the internet. The internet was a know-it-all snitch.

“DAD.”

“Fine, for fuck’s sake, boy. Get off, you’re drowning me here.”

  Jack would go out to dinner on one condition.

Two conditions actually.

1)      There was to be no durian. Anywhere. At all.

2)      He got to bring moral support.

Matt was more than cool with that because it meant that he could replace the durian with another creative element which would equally torture Jack.

So Jack asked Ben Parker to come along. Parker was sharp as a tack. Compared to Jack, he was a man of the world. A reasonable and sensitive body with respect for his fellow humans. He promised to help Jack identify potential threats to his person flung his way by his uncaring and mischievous son.

Unfortunately, to that end, Matt insisted that they take Ben’s nephew, Peter, out with them too.

Jack knew from the start that this was Matt inserting his chaos element into what might otherwise be a perfectly tolerable and uneventful night out. But he also held out hope that Peter would be the sweet, kind-hearted boy he appeared to be.

It really was too much to ask for.

Peter latched his whole body onto Matt within seconds of their two parties meeting up and the two of them immediately set to whispering which bode poorly for everyone else involved.

“I believe we may have made a mistake,” Ben observed, rubbing thoughtfully at his chin.

  Matt wanted rice and Peter wanted something sour enough to leave ulcers in his mouth, so the two of them decided that Thai food would achieve both of these effects. Jack was suspicious. Ben told him that Thai food was very tasty and he had little reason to fear, except.

Except.

“Peter hates durian, it’s fine, he won’t be setting up any conspiracies around it,” Ben promised him.

Mm.

They’d see about that.

Foggy had said something similar when he and Matt had dragged Jack out for Filipino food.

  Jack was pretty sure that Peter just wanted a lime. He was 90% sure that all Peter’s cravings could be satisfied with a lime right now.

Matt, however, in an unlikely turn of events, convinced him that he should get food-substances to accompany his burning desire for limes. Peter grumbled at this and deferred to his uncle for support in the face of this logic.

Chaos element, located.

“Pick a carb,” Ben directed.

“Sugar is a carb,” Peter argued.

“Pick a carb in a less refined form,” Ben countered easily.

“If it’s raw sugar, it—”

“Veg, noodles, or rice,” Ben offered him.

Peter scowled.

“You said a carb,” he pouted. “I want sugar.”

“I have good news for you, sweet child of mine,” Ben said fondly. “There is sugar in everything served in the United States of America. You will have your sugar. Pick its structure: veg, noodles, or rice.”

Ben made Jack feel like a shit dad sometimes. Although, to be fair, Jack hadn’t been a dad as long as Ben had.

Peter, outwitted and bitter about it, agitated Matt to help him.

Matt saw no need for that.

“You’re gonna be hungry in an hour and then you’re gonna whine about it,” he declared.

Peter scowled at him and then turned his lethal puppy eyes onto Jack. Jack set up a menu between the two of them because he was not strong enough to cope with that.

Peter whined behind it.

  Things were going too smoothly for too long. Jack did not trust the decent behavior happening at this table. Ben got a kick out of his paranoia, which was great because someone needed to.

“What are you hiding?” Jack asked Matt. Matt scoffed.

“Chill, old man,” he said. “We’re literally just having dinner. Maybe try to have a good time, huh?”

No.

Something evil was afoot.

Peter snickered. Matt swatted at him; he easily dodged the hand.

Trouble.

  Dinner was eaten and paid for and Jack eventually gave up and settled down. Begrudgingly, he had to admit that Matt was right. Thai food was nice. No incidents had occurred. There was no durian. Ben and Peter made for good conversation, even if everything led back to Peter’s obsession with sci-fi films.

Ben told him that if he kept mentioning them, the aliens would hear him and his name would start to move up higher up on their list of potential captures.

The kid was horrified.

Matt helpfully started counting off the number of times Peter had mentioned aliens in the last week and Peter had briefly looked like he was going to cry.

“Is your wife not going to hear of this?” Jack asked Ben as they walked after the trouble duo who had determined that they were finding dessert at a different location. They seemed to know what they were after, so Jack and Ben left them to it.

“Oh, she will,” Ben said.

“And you don’t mind?”

“She encourages it. She’s convinced him that if you leave a tv on static, aliens can pick up on your watch history.”

Interesting parenting techniques going on here.

Ben laughed.

“Well, I guess we just figure that if you’ve got a weird kid, it’s easier on everyone if you just lean into it. My brother probably wouldn’t be so down with it, but he’s not here, so whatever.”

Ah, right.

“Peter’s your brother’s son, then,” Jack noted.

Ben hummed.

“I…guess,” he said uneasily. “I—it’s hard to explain. I mean, biologically, yeah he’s Rich’s son. But, you know, me and May’ve raised him for longer than Rich and Mary were ever in his life, so, I dunno. Is it fucked up that I kind of think of him as my son?”

No. Not at all.

“My eldest brother pretty much raised me,” Jack told him. “My mama couldn’t be assed to do anything more than scream at the drop of a hat and my daddy was busy drinking himself to death, so Bill was the one who got me up and dressed and off to school in the morning. I always thought of him as a mix between a brother and a mom.”

“No shit?” Ben said. “Where is he? He still around?”

Uuuuuuuh.

“We haven’t talked for a long time,” Jack said.

“Oh? Well, now’s your chance you know.”

Jack tried not to wince too sharply. Ben caught it anyways.

“Or not,” he said. “You don’t have to if its painful or something.”

Oh, buddy.

“We’ll see,” Jack decided. “I’ll need to think about it.”

He didn’t know how Matt would react. Hell, he didn’t know how he would react to seeing Bill again.

  Matt and Peter presented Jack with a drink that had evil hiding in the bottom of it.

He should have known better to think he’d escape that night uninjured.

–

I hope this cheers you up my dear and that things get easier for you soon!

[eldritchsurveys]

1110.

5k Survey LXXXVIII

4501. Who do you feel on shaky grounds with? >> Most people. I always feel like I am one wrong sentence away from making someone hate me forever. I have zero confidence in people’s desire to keep me in their lives. 4502. How would you rate Stephen King as a writer? >> I don’t know how to rate anything. I have some personal feelings about Stephen King as a writer based upon the fact that I identify as one of his characters, but besides that, I think he tells interesting stories but not always in a way that’s enjoyable to read. Sometimes he nails it, sometimes he doesn’t. I imagine that comes with being that prolific -- they can’t all be winners. 4503. What movie are you looking forward to? >> I haven’t heard about any upcoming movies that sound really interesting. I’m still on the fence about the Dune adaptation (Timothee Chalamet? Really?!). 4504. Hulk Hogan with or without the bandana? >> --- 4505. Do you more often tell people what you feel or what you think? >> What I think.

4506. Have you been to see an opera? >> No, but I’d love to go. 4507. What do you wish that you knew with more certainty? >> My worth. 4508. Does your heart break and break and live by breaking? >> ??? 4509. Can you tell the difference between what you think and what you feel or do you often get them confused? >> I know that what I think is directly influenced by what I feel, so it’s not really a big separation. But I also know that what I think is usually more palatable and rationalised (by having run through the filter of what I guess could be called “the superego” or whatever), and therefore easier to explain than the visceral and often messy feelings I’m experiencing underneath the veneer of careful thought. 4510. Do you feel like there are a lot of referances in this survey that you are not getting? >> Yeah, hence all the “???”s. 4511. You are shopping in the Mad Mall for things to add to your room. Of the following list, what 5 things will you buy? lollipops, lace up boots, bondage gear, bubblegum machine, a miniature orange grove, house plants, Bob Geldof, duct tape, Buzzcocks, poet shirts, Marc Almond, Al Gore, acrylic paints, Snoopy's dog house, an original andy warhol painting, zippers, orange and pink matching curtains and bed spread, flash, oj simpson, a slurpee maker, some flutes, electric chairs, feather pillows, post it notes, the terminator wax statue, fight club the movie, fight club the book >> ... ??? 4512. Of the following things, which would you most like to have more of? drink, dreams, bed, drugs, lust, lies, hate, love, fear, fun, pain, flesh, stars, smiles, fame, sex >> Love. That’s always going to be the answer, shrug. 4513. Your preference. David Bowie or Marc Bolan? >> I know I’ve seen the second name but I don’t remember who that is. Anyway, I love David Bowie and prefer him over many artists. 4514. Who'd win in a fight, Morrissey or Robert Smith? >> I don’t know or care. 4515. Earth girls are: >> Well, I know Earth Girls are Easy is a movie title... 4516. One of your friends tells you they are going to train to become a cop. your reaction? >> Definitely a grimace, at best. I doubt I’d be able to control it. I have no idea how I’d react after that. 4517. Would you ever consider working for the government? >> I’d really, really rather not. 4518. What are the best and wort television channels? >> --- 4519. If you had a magical pencil and everything you drew became real what would you draw? >> --- 4520. Your boots were made for: >> Lookin badass. 4521. What movie would you like to see a mystery science theater episode about (even if it isn't a sci fi movie, just one that needs making fun of)? >> --- 4522. What's the buzz? >> --- 4523. The last person you would want to be stranded on a desert island with is: >> --- 4524. Your partner takes an aeroplane trip. the plane disappears and is never found. How long do you wait for them to return before you begin looking for a new partner? >> ... 4525. Some animals that mate for life can literally die of grief if their mate is captured or dies. How many humans would do that do you think? >> I’ve heard a lot of stories like that with humans, particularly in the case of couples that have been together for decades. 4526. What would you like to touch? >> *shrug* 4527. Does anything you own glow in the dark? >> There’s a little skull in the living room that glows in the dark, lol. 4528. Would you rather ride a dragon or a unicorn? >> Dragon. 4529. Do things just always go right for you? >> I mean, no. 4530. What's the best nick toon? >> --- 4531. Can you make a balloon animal? >> Nope. 4532. Would you undress at a nude beach? >> ... That’s pretty much the whole point, yeah? Why would I be there if I wasn’t going to be nude? There are plenty of regular beaches I can go to otherwise (far more of them than nude ones, at that). 4533. Wherever there's a secret recipe, there is someone who wants to steal it. True or false? >> *shrug* ??? 4534. What is today but yesterday's tomorrow? >> Sure. 4535. Are you more like spongebob who does nothing right but still everything good happens to or like squidworth who tries to do things right and ends up having nothing good happen to him? >> I don’t think either perspective works for me. 4536. How many glasses of water do you drink each day? >> I don’t know. I have a water bottle that I feel like I’m always having to refill. I need a bigger one. 4537. What is the difference between intelectualism and pretentiosness? >> I don’t know anything about this, dude. 4538. What do you like in a poem, accessability, crypticness or somethin in between? >> I just like poems I feel like I understand. 4539. What do you think of William Blake? Is his writing difficult to understand? >> I am far more familiar with his artwork than his poetry or writing or whatever. 4540. Has learning to spell become obsolete? >> ... You’re surely joking. 4541. Who do you find yourself in constant conflict with? Why the conflict? >> Myself. Because trauma. 4542. What is the difference between literature and hallmark cards? >> ...??? 4543. How many contemporary poets can you name? >> None off the top of my head. I’m sure I’d see like five names if I just scroll my tumblr feed a bit. 4544. What subjects do you refuse to talk about? Why are you hiding from them? >> I can’t think of any that I consciously refuse to talk about.

4545. Are you every parent's wet dream? >> What the fuck? 4546. Everyone starts in the garden of Eden but no one can stay there. Why not? >> *brow wrinkle* 4547. Would you want to join a club that would have you as a member? >> Duh. 4548. Greatest black and white film: >> I don’t know. I like a few. 4549: Greatest film three hours or longer: >> *shrug* 4550. No means.. >> Take a wild guess.

[humboldtfog]

Years of depression has prepared me very well for the current state of affairs which is weird but whatever here’s a list of my faves on netflix, if I’m missing something let me know cause now’s the time, right?

I'm kinda embarrassed by how long this list is but also kinda like fuck that, there have been very long periods of time where it was either sit and watch shows all day or lie down and stare at the wall in silence all day so I chose the former and it adds up and there's nothing wrong with that.

Glow (Badass ladies learn to wrestle, great 80s aesthetics and grrrrl power.)

Our Planet (Netflix version of Planet Earth, beautiful, cute, terrifying that we aren’t doing more to save us all.)

Bojack Horseman (Hilarious and “deep” critique of LA and celebrity culture for people who don’t care about LA or celebrity culture. Also very funny visual jokes about how if animals were also kinda humans, and lots of great jokes about cliches and tropes, puns, and weirdly rhyming and alliteration? I don’t know how to explain it just watch it.)

Father Brown (BBC, based on mystery novels about a priest who always meddles in police business and solves murders in his small English countryside town.)

Pose (The Ball scene in NY in the 80s, poc queer and trans writers and actors bringing their people’s stories to life. So much joy, so much beauty, but also NYC in the 80s so you will cry.)

Paris is Burning (Documentary made during the Ball scene Pose is based on.)

Sex Education (Such empowering representations of all walks of gender and sexuality, and actually very educational, like I would straight up show this in schools because everyone would be very entertained and would learn a lot more than they teach in a lot of schools.)

What Happened Miss Simone (Documentary about Nina Simone’s life, music and the activism the establishment/ government worked to suppress and used to blacklist her.)

Night on Earth (Low light camera technology has gotten hella good and they’re starting to learn stuff about animals’ behaviors at night that they’ve never been able to study before.)

Call the Midwife (Follows stories from the midwives that worked in the East End of London after the war, based on memoirs. Interesting look at the kind of life of poverty people led before there were many large hospitals or birth control, right as the British were implementing their universal healthcare program.)

The Great British Baking Show (Everyone’s so nice and everything looks so good!)

Atypical (Dramady about a high schooler with autism and his family, very funny and great representations of autism and how to be a good dude.)

Parks and Recreation (Just very funny and everyone knows it. Amazing ensemble cast, and they still keeps in touch through a group chat awww doesn’t that say something!)

Kim’s Convenience (Canadian comedy about family of first and second gen Korean immigrants that’s just a really solid funny modern day sitcom.)

Queer Eye (I feel like if everyone in this world could get a life makeover from these guys we just wouldn’t be here right now.)

Obvious Child (Jenny Slate accidentally gets pregnant and gets an abortion. It’s funny and it’s realistic, we’re not all Juno.)

Maria Bamford: the Special Special Special (Rad lady comedian not afraid to talk about her mental health and lack thereof and very vocal about the stigma surrounding mental health problems and I very much relate to. My favorite standup probably ever. I could make a list just for standup so message me if you’d like more suggestions.)

Monty Python (Flying Circus, movies, doc, ect. “The Beatles of comedy” is the cliche but it's true.)

Easy (Very unconventional non-narrative structure and editing, following random people in Chicago in a very real life feeling way. Different story each episode, but sometimes characters show up briefly in each other’s lives or return for a second episode.)

Everything Sucks! (High school nerds and lesbians and theater geeks in the 90s! I’m so sad this only got one season I rewatched it recently and it’s just so solid.)

She’s Gotta Have It (Revival of Spike Lee’s first movie, black girl magic, art world, gentrified New York, lots of sex.)

The Office (Classic, holds up very well, totally solid throughout, worth a rewatch. Also if you're a fan Jenna Ficher and Angela Davis are doing a rewatch podcast jsyk.)

Billy on the Street (Mindless game show for laughs, amazing gay comedian runs around New York yelling questions at them. I watch this with my dad and he can’t help but snort even when it’s “inappropriate” or “juvenile” so you know it’s good.)

Good Girls (Some lower middle class family ladies that are all about to be broke decide to rob the grocery store one of them works at, but they accidentally cross a gang that stored their cash there, so they gotta pay it back, and of course can’t help but get deeper and deeper into it. Very suspenseful like your heart rate will go up and stay up. )

Arrested Development (It’s just funny, as you've probably heard, but I'm telling you it just really is.)

The Laundromat (Tells the stories of a few of the people involved in the panama papers in different ways, explains in an entertaining way how money laundering works in a way that made it mostly make sense even to me. The rich get richer, and Meryl Streep is here to tell them to fuck off and pay their taxes.)

Russian Doll (She keeps dying and coming back to the same moment over and over and can’t figure out how to stop the cycle or why so kinda sci fi, very suspenseful, big cliff hanger ending, or rather no ending, and just found out season two filming is delayed because virus which is very annoying!!)

Dear White People (Show picking up where the movie left off, after a frat hosts a black face party and the ivy league college is forced to deal with racism.)

Dolly Parton’s Heartstrings (Stories based on Dolly songs. Very Hallmark channel, you will cry.)

Episodes (Show about two British writers making a version of their BBC show for American tv. Kind of meta, very funny, Matt LaBlanc plays himself and it's great.)

Dumplin’ (Fat girl grows up with a beauty pageant winning mom and enters one herself with the help of her late aunt’s Dolly Parton drag queen friends.)

Lunatics (Chris Lilley is the best character actor ever, all his shows are just him playing different parts and you seriously forget it’s all one actor, even when he’s playing teenage girls.)

Jane the Virgin (Prime time soap opera about a girl who is engaged and waiting until marrige and is accidentally inseminated with the only sperm sample of a man who’s had cancer so decides to keep the baby, very heavy on the soap opera cliches in a meta way but also that’s what it is. So good at first but after the first three or so seasons it gets too much tbh though.)

Zumbo’s Just Desserts (Australian Bake show but with just sweet stuff and pressure to be avant garde.)

Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee (Jerry Sienfeld goes out with funny people to coffee and lunch in fancy cars and they have funny conversations.)

One Day at a Time (Very very cheesy laugh track sitcom, like the kind of thing my grandma would watch, but it makes me so happy it’s doing a great job eplaining really woke concepts like queer pronouns and ptsd and addiction and white privilege to people like my grandma!)

Orange is the New Black (Good stories about very diverse characters, I’d say by starting it off about a upper middle class white girl it tricks privileged white people into watching and then encountering the more realistic stories of women who go to prison and how the system treats prisoners. Ending of season two is super solid and you can stop it there, season three is a really great critique of the privatization of prisons. I admit it goes on and on to the point that it’s stressful and after watching it spread out over years I can’t remember/ keep up with all the different story lines, though they’re all good stories to tell.)

Space Jam (Just saw while scrolling for more ideas this was added! One of the greatest sports movies of all time obviously.)

Bonus amazon prime shows, I try to avoid Amazon in general but these are just too good if you know a prime member who you can't convince not to give their money to amazon so they might as well give you their login (like yer dad).

The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel (A 1950s New York upper class Jewish house wife gets dumped and starts doing stand up, so funny, great actors, and they seriously transform NY back into another era.)

Good Omens (Mini series based off Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman’s satirical novel about the biblical apocalypse, very funny, very smart, very British, does the book pretty solid justice.)

There are other decent things that aren’t included, I’d say these are solid recs for a general list of genres all over the map without letting it get to a ridiculously unhelpful length. I feel like I’d be good at the “if you like this then you’ll also like…” so let me know if some of these are your favorites too and want personal recs for what to watch next based on a brain instead of an algorithm.

If you want to have a remote date and watch things together on video chat or one of those watch party sites or just tell me what to watch next here’s some stuff on my list I’ve been curious about or not sure about or don’t want to watch alone or have been putting off, and now’s the time right?: Strangers Things, I Am Not Okay With This, Black Panther, The Betty White doc, John Mulaney Snack Lunch Bunch, Dead to Me, The Ballad of Buster Scruggs, A Wrinkle in Time, The Little Prince, Maniac, Wet Hot American Summer reboots, and a bunch of different standup specials from comedians I like.