#you know when you start a new fantasy book the first 100 pgs are like yup :) i totally know what that means :)

[lordgolden]

80 pages into the Jasmine Throne I have no idea what's going on!!! but I like it and I wish I could read faster to find out what is happening. I would die for Priya and Sima their friendship is so important to me. Priya is definitely my fav so far and i'm really excited to learn more about her past. I really like that she's kind of a walking oxymoron– really caring and kind but also cold and ruthless. JUST finished the part with Meena. the Hirana both terrifies and fascinates me and I am so 👀 waiting to learn more about the magic. the setting is GORGEOUS too I can't wait to look up fanart after this

[angieschiffahoi]

Before I start Harrow, I want to share my thoughts on Gideon.

 Spoilers ahead.

While I don’t believe it was the greatest book ever written, it was perfectly fitting for me.

The genre: It was a mix between sci-fi and fantasy, very simple in its worldbuilding, it didn’t shy from some exposition (I hate new fantasy books that don’t use exposition at all... you’re not that good at the spreading the information thingy, I don’t understand your overly complicated worldbuilding!) and used it in pretty much conventional ways. It didn’t invent every single tiny little thing (which I find very annoying in modern fantasy and sci-fi books - let your MC say fuck), but mixed things familiar with our world with future/innovative elements, almost seamlessly. Thank you, Tamsyn, for using insults we know (I understand why TV shows do it, it’s to keep a PG-13 rating and still use swear words, but I find it insufferable when books try to invent terms for everything... even pens or bread). 

I’ve seen people say it is heavily sci-fi and I disagree. It is not hard sci-fi in the slightest and the magical/necromantic elements are a lot more technical than any of the technology, which was basically non-existent (at times I was stunned whenever they mentioned anything that was “modern” or techy, since it felt like fantasy 80% of the time). The author built a magic system and tried to fit it into a sci-fi setting. It very much resembled Warhammer 40k at times (come on, the Undying Emperor?) and had they mentioned Chaos Gods every now and then, I would have believed this was a WH 40K novelette a-la Blackstone Fortress.

The plot: Gay necromancers in space, with a plot similar to And Then There Were None which at times felt a little bit like Catching Fire as well (Tamsyn, did you read my diary?). It was very simple, straightforward and the fact that we only had one narrating voice made it very easy to read and to follow along. The fact that it was a bit cinematic is probably the reason I managed to finish it (I am tired of 100 subplots and 200 characters in the same book). All of the plot twists felt earned, because looking back I can see where the author left those crumbs. I feel like the red herrings were a bit weak (except Ianthe at the end, which was a bit disappointing as the main villain so I was glad to see she was one), because I started to suspect Dulcinea right away (even though I never would have guessed why). Also, I was too focused on the characters to actually pay attention to the plot, so I didn’t guess much going forward, which made me feel pretty stupid, because some of that shit was very obvious. 

The characters: What I really loved was Gideon’s voice. The first few chapters were a bit flowery and there was a lot of purple prose to set the tone (which failed a bit, because I still imagined it more as a fantasy setting than a sci-fi one), but then it flawed perfectly. The jokes (narrated or spoke aloud) were great and it felt like they always fit. Sometimes the insults were a bit gratuitous but I like the trope of being infuriated with someone all of the time, you can’t help but think “oh fuck this bitch”. Also, the puns. Gideon, I love you. I would’ve liked them to be more mature (maybe 20 somethings), but it’s because I’m old and I want this type of narratives to have older MCs sometimes. 

Harrow really picked up in the second part of the book and I can’t wait to see how she’s changed in the second one. Loved Dulcinea from the start and I don’t care she was an evil god-like entity. She was a bit over the top in the battle (that thing about the arms and legs, why?!?), but I do love a dramatic bitch (I still lowkey like her & Gideon together). I was sorry for the Fourth & Fifth houses, but while I loved Magnus, I couldn’t stand the teenagers (but I did feel so, so sorry for Gideon). The Third house was obnoxious and I enjoyed Corona the most. I’m pretty sure Ianthe’s coming back, so we’ll see about that. Not gonna talk about the Eight - gave me WH 40K Inquisitor vibes, felt unneccessarily over the top. The Second was forgettable, I didn’t even understand the captain was a necromancer until she killed Teacher. And Sixth, oh, my darlings. If Camilla is dead I’m going to burn my kindle. Writing wise, concentrating on only one POV, kind of underdevelops secondary characters, so while Gideon’s voice was very strong, I feel like everyone else was a bit forgettable unless Gideon spent time on them. It was a book that could’ve easily been written in first person, if it didn’t have that ending. 

The relationship: I am going to be brief - I love rivalry that turns to love (any kind of love). So, I loved every single interaction between Harrow and Gideon (the pool scene broke me). Palamedes and Harrow had chemistry. I loved that Gideon just adopted everyone: I am your cavalier, now I am yours! Oh, screw it! I’m going to protect everyone! Gideon is such a himbo, even though she’s a shembo, but not a bimbo? I hated every single time the Third called their cavalier “Babs”. 

Things that were left open and Tamsyn better solve before the end of the series: “Gideon, you’re a ginger!” and basically everything fake!Dulcinea told Gideon about her past (”You don’t know what you are to me”). Also, why Gideon didn’t die when she was a child (and the obvious, where is she from?). Where are Corona and Camilla? What happened to Gideon’s body? And a few things I forgot about, because I wrote this “review” yesterday in my head and I didn’t write stuff down. 

Overall it was a very pleasant experience. And I may re-read it in the future to catch the foreshadowing and some hints. Now, onto Harrow the Ninth! Which is confusing? ‘Cause the Emperor called her Harrow the First?

Anyways. We love a tiny goth stirring shit with her “dead” girlfriend’s  two-hander. I am a bit scared, though, since what I really loved was Gideon’s narrating voice, but I’m guessing Harrow picked up some of her mannerism since she “ate” her? We’ll see. 

[mozart-the-meerkitten]

Happy Fifteen Year Anniversary to The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe movie!

I can say, with no exaggeration, that this movie changed my life. For the first nine years of my life I was terrified. Of what? Everything. Loud noises, most movies, people who weren’t in my immediate family, large dogs, a Precious Moments movie (I wish I were joking).

Then, when I was nine years old my parents, for some reason, took their terrified-of-everything daughter to see The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe movie in theaters. I don’t know what possessed them to do this, I can only assume it was the Holy Spirit, because I should have been absolutely terrified of this movie. It should have give me nightmares. And I was terrified for the first couple minutes. When the air raid scene started I was 100% convinced we were in the wrong theater. I had my eyes covered and I’m pretty sure I was curled up in my seat in terror. “Look, there’s one of the kids!” I remember my mom saying when Edmund came on screen. I peeked through my fingers and watched hesitantly until the train station scene came on.

And then something happened to me. I can tell you the exact moment it did. It was when Lucy pulls the sheet off the Wardrobe. The music, the sheet falling down, the fact that it was Lucy doing it- who, I became convinced, was exactly my age. (And in fact I was right, Georgie Henley is 11 months older than me, at the time of the movie’s filming she would have been the same age I was when I watched it.) That moment, before we even entered Narnia, was magical to me.

I don’t know what happened after that except that I was enthralled. Like I said, this movie should have given me nightmares. It has wolves in it. I have been afraid of wolves for as long as I can remember. When Aslan dies at the Stone Table? All the Witch’s horrible creatures? I think I covered my eyes for part of that, but the fact that it didn’t make me too scared to watch the movie again was incredible. I loved the battle. Loved it. I saw the movie 5 times on a big screen (4 in theaters and once at my church) I loved it so much.

I left the movie theater with a new favorite movie and a new burst of courage that stuck. I was no longer scared of everything. It was like a switch flipped in my brain. A year later, when I was ten, I watched my first PG-13 movie (Pirates of the Carribean, in case you’re curious), which was a really big deal for a kid who was scared of everything for nine out of her ten years of life!

This one movie changed my life. I started reading fantasy books- Narnia, then The Archives of Anthropos, then, three years later, when I was 12, Lord of the Rings. Four years later I was writing my own books. My own fantasy books. Narnia set off a chain reaction in me, it made me brave enough to try things, and ultimately it inspired me to write. I suppose God knew all that. He knew LWW would flip the switch in my brain. We will never know what would have happened, but I can’t help but wonder who I’d be if it wasn’t for Narnia. And I am so, so grateful for it. 

So happy anniversary to The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe, the movie that changed my life.

[loopy777]

Sorry if this is a repeat question, but have you ever read anything from the Mistborn trilogy? I’m making my way through the first volume, and am beginning to form an opinion on it. I find it a very easy read; the writing is certainly humorous, especially the dialogue of Kelsier’s character. I’m not sure if I’m 100% in love with the story, but I might as well finish (at least) this volume. Do you like the series? It’s a bit of a heist story which might interest you.

Okay, finally time to properly answer this. WARNING: contains structure spoilers, as in (fake example) "3/8ths of the way through the first book, a twist happens."

So I’ll start by saying I’ve become a big fan of Sanderson, and I think the Mistborn trilogy is his best stuff. His writing is overall functional, but I think his storytelling is great- provided you make an investment. Also, as you note, he’s good at working humor into things without it feeling inappropriate to the seriousness around it; this humor is character-based, so it feels a part of things.

There's a Horror quality to Mistborn that I think is mostly unique in his writings and gave me a different impression of him compared to what I’ve found in his other stuff. See, in most fantasy stories written for adults, even if the rest of the content is perfectly PG or PG-13, they have NC-17-level violence. Mistborn mostly isn’t particularly violent, but when dudes showed up walking around with giant spikes in their eyeholes, I was just like, “Yup, here it is, as expected.” Overall, ythough, I found it fairly mild as far as fantasy for adults goes. The violence wasn't dwelt upon or fetishized, and the Horror stuff actually felt like it was integrated in the story being told, rather than just having something scary for its own sake- it felt like part of the worldbuilding, even if the reasoning wasn't immediately apparent.

The action is where I found the books to first stumble. The magic system here, Allomancy, is unique and interesting and fun, and I think the way the Mistborn move and fight would look great in a movie adaptation, but the problem is that Sanderson is actually kind of bad at writing action. He's detailed and literal, but the problem is that I don't need to know every single move that a character makes during a big brawl in a single unbroken POV segment. The key to writing interesting action scenes is to use problem and solution sets- a character encounters a problem with no apparent solution and then solves it. If the solution is "characters shoots the bad guy with a gun," then that's not interesting because I can predict it and I've seen it a thousand times. The lack of predictable solution is how tension is created and released. Mistborn has a number of sequences where characters are mowing down mooks, and it’s always tedious. But having fight scenes that can be skimmed is hardly the worst crime in fantasy writing. Fortunately, Sanderson doesn't overfill these books with action.

No, what made me increasingly skeptical as I made my way through Mistborn was how much Sanderson was obviously holding back with the story. Without getting too spoilery, as things start to ramp up in the first book, a number of questions are raised that had my antenna up, but the first book closed without many explanations. Okay, fair enough, there's a whole trilogy we need to set up, and the book did have a real ending rather than a cliffhanger or simply stopping. So I moved on to the second book, deciding that the first could be rated as Okay But Subject To Being Called Bad If The Mysteries Don't Pan Out.

But then the second book had a slower-moving plot, IMO, and what was already a dark setting got heavier and darker. And without answering most of the questions from the first book, it started throwing out even more questions and mysteries. This is where I started to get worried. This was before I experienced the crime against storytelling that was JJ Abrams' Rise of Skywalker, but that's hardly been the only thing I've encountered that starts by promising intriguing mystery and then can only offer a shrug when it came time to start providing solutions and explanations. In fact, it’s very common. So we had a slower, less fun plot, an increasing pile of mysteries, and no solution in sight- very worrying signs.

Still, it was possible, in my opinion, to save things. I figured the third book would have to start by providing those answers, though, if it was going to have the time to deal with everything.

Instead, the third book opens with more mysteries and brand new subplots.

"Hoo boy," was my reaction.

I kept reading, of course. I was already into the third novel of a trilogy, and a novel is nothing to me, a week's work at most and only a day or two if I work at it. (Purely talking about free time, of course. If I devoted an entire day just to reading, I'd be able to pound down several thick novels. I read fast, to the point where I've had to train myself to go slower.) At the very least, finishing the book would allow me to properly criticize it. And I was still enjoying the characters, even as things got darker. The plot was moving faster than the in the second book, and the additional POVs and subplots were helping to keep things interesting. I was almost looking forward to the mess that was going to be the ending.

Then, about halfway through the third book, the explanations start coming. And from that point, it's like watching one of those cool elaborate domino sequences. And in the end, not only is everything explained, but all the subplots dovetail into a satisfying epic. Details that I didn’t think were important turned out to be hinges for the whole storytelling mechanism, and what I thought were new mysteries were actually the avenues to the explanations for old mysteries. It all turns out to be a very unique twist on typical Fantasy narratives. This is what I mean when I say that Sanderson’s works are worth the investment. Even when they seem like they’re falling apart or going nowhere, they’re probably setting up a knockout punch.

Of course, I took so long to answer the Ask that you might already know that or disagree. In that case, perhaps future generations will benefit from your suffering.

[joecial-distancing]

2019 in review in review:

A few years ago I started tracking yearly goals, books read, movies watched etc in a year, along with overview blurbs, in private posts. End of 2019/beginning of 2020 I was really frazzled/burned out about a lot of stuff and just never finished up making the thing. 8 months later, got the urge to read back what I’d got done, then figured I’d maybe go ahead and see about finishing. 

Media tracking below the break. thoughts/blurbs written in 2020 italicized, 2019 not.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~_____________________________~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Didn’t do so hot on explicit personal goals, but had a lot of stuff go ok around them this year.

School’s been fine/better than fine.

Job’s probably the biggest failing. Still with same job, haven’t made the firm moves to jump off, dragging my feet too much on exploring stuff w/ Columbia/NASA GISS.

Did not get better with covid, lol

Dating life still non-existent, but I’ve registered on apps, gotten more comfortable with selfies, improved general social life dramatically, been flirted with, updated my wardrobe, and generally started to get comfortable accepting that I’m a hot person.

Somehow got extremely better during covid.

Books

Grant (finished)

We stan a taurus legend

Guy was good at exactly one job, and was fortunate enough to have been in the right place/right time to get to do it.

Mort (discworld)

Definitely best discworld I’ve gotten to so far.

Don Quixote p. II

Really entertaining in a way that part 1 wasn’t; I was shocked how much the meta element landed for me.

Consider the Lobster (DFW collection)

had zero context on who DFW is/was when I read, and still don’t exactly tbh. Wanted to wait for a pause in The Discourse before diving into more of him, but dunno if I’m ever going to get that.

Crime and Punishment (revisited)

Weirdly didn’t get much more out of this than I did the first time I’d read it

Better Than Sex (HST Gonzo papers)

Xerox/widespread fax accessibility opening citizen access to mass media in a manner really reminiscent of what social media would go on to do at a much larger scale. Has a much more deliberate narrative arc than the other gonzo papers collections, also has that excellent HST richard nixon eulogy

The Brothers Karamazov

SPQR

Slouching Towards Bethlehem (Didion collection)

Pet Sematary

Not my favorite King, but not bad

Sourcery (discworld)

still funny/charming, but Mort really made clear/reminded me how much the hapless sadsack Rincewind mold of protagonist wears on me after a while.

The Devil's Teeth

My Year of Rest and Relaxation

Liked it a lot more once I realized it was doing a Fear and Loathing thing.

Homage to Catalonia

This should be the Orwell that gets taught in schools. Make it a followup to All Quiet on the Western Front or something, jeez.

Lyndon Johnson I

Having now finished all of them, this one’s probably the least-interesting but sets up a bunch of important context that the others still then feel the need to retread.

The Razor's Edge

Recommended to me as a “white guy discovers eastern mysticism” book, but also is more interesting in its treatment of that than I’d expected (helps it was written in the 40s). 

Cat's Cradle

There’s a part in this where Vonnegut’s making fun of people who try to bond with strangers over being Hoosiers, and my dumbass immediate thought was “ooh, Vonnegut’s a hoosier? Me too!”

Lyndon Johnson II

Robert Caro felt compelled to apologize for spending so much words lionizing Coke Stevens, segregationist opponent to Johnson’s senate run. His goal was pretty clearly to show lbj’s lack of campaign charisma by contrast, definitely definitely overcommitted in his own narrativising.

Libra

I want to go back to this after reading some more De Lillo.

Gravity's Rainbow

This book absolutely kicked my ass

Overstuffed and referential in a specific way that really keeps me hooked in instead of put off. When I learn about some piece of cultural context that I retroactively recognize as being referenced in this, I want to go back and reread the entire thing.

From Caligari to Hitler

Kind of fails both as film criticism and cultural analysis, but absolutely made me want to run for the hills when considering current relationship between mainstream movies and demands of pop culture.

I took a class on Weimar cinema in undergrad that I now realize was probably biting pretty heavily from this and never once referenced it.

Movies

Venom

Movie itself is not as fun as the Tom Hardy hype coverage. PG13 was the absolute worst space to aim for, PG- or R- versions of this could have been a blast.

Harryhauser Argonauts

Was tripping when I put this on, and it was all kinds of fun.

2001: a Space Oddyssey

First time seeing this, all-time classic for a reason!

A Good American (the NSA doc)

Dr. Strangelove

Mel Brooks History of the World p. I

Not my favorite Brooks, best joke was at the beginning.

In Bruges

Had been a while since I saw a proper dark comedy.

Spiderverse

Fukkin awesome!

Visually great, and extremely better than usual superhero stuff for being aimed at PG instead of PG-13.

You Only Live Twice

Highlander (Revisited)

I watched The Old Guard on netflix recently and it mostly just made me wish I was watching Highlander instead, because at least Highlander knows exactly how goofy it is

Moonraker

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

Much like The Shining, I though this would have been 100% spoiled for me by cultural osmosis, but turns out it wasn’t, and even the scenes I had seen *totally landed* in-context still.

Kung Fu Hustle

Ichi the Killer

Really gross, really fun

Matrix Reloaded (watched thru highway scene) (Revisited)

The highway scene was not nearly as cool as I remembered it being.

John Wick 3*

Probably dumbest plot of all of them, best choreography. I like how every single fight had its own distinct flavor. “Knife museum fight” “horse fight” “halle berry dogs fight” 

Akira

A classic

Pet Sematary * (ugh, bad)

Why can’t john lithgow be in good movies anymore

The Revenant

MCU Spiderman

Fuck this was awful.

MCU Spiderman 2*

Really weird, complete Rorschach Test of a movie: it’d be totally valid to read into this that global warming is Fake News, for instance.

Lmao this was completely awful

Rites

Dredd (non-stallone)

oh hey Lena Headey’s in this

For All Mankind!

Watched in honor of moon landing anniversary

Lion King *

Watched it way too stoned, was like dark side of the moon + wizard of oz except instead it’s a lion king script reading + nature footage edited for lip syncing.

Once Upon a Time in Hollywood *

Many scenes of very long setups for really stupid shaggy dog jokes, which sometimes worked and sometimes didn’t. I do kinda want to rewatch now knowing more about manson, which I knew pretty much nothing about beforehand

Blowout

A good john lithgow movie

also I think I like travolta in things.

Lord of War

A Good cage movie

I like when Eamon Walker shows up in stuff.

Taxi Driver

A classic

Snowpiercer

Watched in a bar with only one speaker working, which is the correct way to watch. Weirder and funnier than I thought it was going to be, which still doesn’t make it good, but,

dbz big green dub

Exorcist III

Brad Dourif just tearing it apart

Deep Red (argento)

Suspiria (1977)

Watched the remake in 2020, which was ok, but nothing tops the Goblin score.

Elf Bowling

Thanks, Gnome

Parasite *

Interesting to me that this one seems poised to hang around people’s good esteem for a while

TV

FMA: B

Rick & Morty

Saw some episodes, generally pretty funny, some misanthropy that’s probably appealing to a certain type of teen al a something like House, but ultimately I don’t totally Get the intensity of discourse about it.

Leterkenny

Mob Psycho 100

One Punch Man

Deadwood

Watchmen

Only watched like half of it. Was playing around with a lot of hefty imagery/thematics, but didn’t really seem ready to rise above playing (tho also I feel like it’s weird on some level to *expect* them to rise above that in the first place)

Music

New Avantasia

HEALTH/ show

lol remember concerts

King Gizzard and the Lizard Wizard/ show

Just learned about King Gizz in 2019 and got completely obsessed with them. I don’t tend to expand my music selection very readily, and a lot of what I currently *do* know is old/inactive stuff, so it was/is incredibly exciting to have an active group with good momentum just immediately win me over like that.

Mistimed the edibles and ended up with a really good finale and a really long subway ride home.

New Yeasayer

Sad they split up

Steve Wilson Tull remixes

Aqualung’s a good album and the sound mixing’s kinda bad, so I liked this project.

Stonefield

Opened for Gizzard. Really good as studying music

Video Games

Civ VI: Gathering Storm

Hades

Turns out Supergiant’s design proclivities all work *extremely well* on a roguelike

Baba is You

Untitled Goose Game

Cute, if maybe a bit overhyped

finally fucking finished Pillars of Eternity

Had fun with it, but too long, and really dour for how long it is.

Pillars II

Kinda drifted off it eventually, but I do genuinely like that the flavor of the fantasy is colonial era rather than medieval.

There’s a Balancing Bastard Factions element where it’s like the writers are just being smartasses after a while. Having to go extremely out of their way to make siding with colonizers seem like a competitive option.

Pokemon shield

Cuphead

pisses me off, which was a nice outlet when I was stranded by flight cancellations during thanksgiving

Celeste

Also very difficult, but really easy to stay patient with, which is nice.

Disco Elysium

None of the discourse made me want to play this, but people talking about the mechanical stuff it did got me extremely interested. Mostly Delivered IMO.

Breath of the Wild

You can approach the nodes of the main quest in the order you choose, and the second one I chose made ninjas start fucking spawning everywhere when I’m just trying to explore, and there’s no way to make it stop. May go back to it one day.

Podcasts

Relentless Picnic Patreon feed

The treats really helped me start distinguishing individual personalities, compared to the regular eps.

Picnic Discord!

<3

FatT Counterweight

Fun, but also I think Mechs are not my shit.

FatT Spring in Hieron/ end of that particular world

8 months since I’ve last tuned into FatT. ah well.

Law School

He’s in everythiiiing!

You Must Remember This: Manson family

*There’s* the context

Misc.

Kindle train guy

Times Square sleeping guy + kids taking selfies w/ him

toddler singing along after Psycho killer (a, ya, ya ya, ya)

drunk and dragged to a drag show

Central park football family

Soft Steel Drum Subway Busker

Weird old lady going to grand central for oysters

2018 in review (cards):

MySelf (CC)

Self: Tower

Blocked: 10 Cups

Ethereal/subconscious: 8 Swords

Material: 3 Swords

Past: Justice

Future: Page Wands

Attitude: Sun

External: King Swords

Hopes/Fears: 5 Coins

Trajectory: High Priestess

Also Self:

Hierophant

7 Cups

7 Coins

Blind Spot:

(self & others): 5 cups    ||    (others not self): High Priestess

(self not others): Moon   ||    (nobody): 3 Cups

[hexiva]

Book Reviews

I’m getting back into reading fantasy, getting a bunch of random books out of the library if they look good. I thought I’d post my thoughts on them.

The Tiger at Midnight, by Swati Teerdhala Inspired by the culture of ancient India and Hindu mythology, The Tiger at Midnight by Swati Teerdhala features a cat-and-mouse game of deception and thrills between a rebel assassin and the reluctant young soldier tasked to bring her to justice.

Just finished this one. There were definitely times when I thought I was just going to stop and take it back to the library unread. It’s by no means a terrible book, but in many ways it feels too much like every other YA book I’ve read. I really like the concept of the central romance: it’s an enemy romance, which I love, the characters have a pretty equal power dynamic, and there’s no gross abuse stuff to put me off. It also felt like a gender-reversal of the typical YA dynamics - Esha is like the dark, handsome, conflicted romance hero, and Kunal is like the sweet, repressed heroine. I liked that, and I really liked Esha as a character. Kunal was by no means unsympathetic either. But the relationship between the two of them, which was central to the book, felt really under developed. The narrative informs us that they feel something for each other very early on, when they’ve barely spoken, and continues informing us of their feelings, but I kept wondering . . . why? There were a couple of points where there was a line like “It’s strange that I feel so strongly for him given we barely know each other!” and I feel like, when you find yourself writing a line like that, you should sit back and think a bit about why you felt the need to point this out. It felt like there were opportunities for them to be pushed together and bond, and the book didn’t really capitalize on them - or, rather, acted as if they’d already been pushed together. It felt like it was missing a key moment early on in the book where they bond. There’s a reveal halfway through the book (pg 300 out of 500) that they knew each other as children, but it’s too little too late.

5/10. I’m thinking of picking up her next book because I feel like there’s a lot of potential here and I’d like to read a more polished version of this book.

Akata Warrior, by Nnedi Okorafor A year ago, Sunny Nwazue, an American-born girl Nigerian girl, was inducted into the secret Leopard Society. As she began to develop her magical powers, Sunny learned that she had been chosen to lead a dangerous mission to avert an apocalypse, brought about by the terrifying masquerade, Ekwensu. Now, stronger, feistier, and a bit older, Sunny is studying with her mentor Sugar Cream and struggling to unlock the secrets in her strange Nsibidi book.

Awhile back, I was at SDCC, and I walked by a publisher’s booth, and they handed me the first book in this series, for free! They just gave me a whole book for free! I’ve had this happen before at cons, but it’s usually self-published stuff, or spin-off books of dubious quality. But this is a book that’s perfectly relevant to my interests, a YA fantasy novel with an exciting new setting, and they just gave it to me! What a wonderful thing to have happen.

Anyway, I was hooked, and I got the next book in the series out of the library. I loved it. The woman at the publisher’s booth told me this was “Nigerian Harry Potter,” and I definitely got Harry Potter vibes from it. It honestly took me back to my days reading the original HP books in a way none of JK Rowling’s subsequent books (or the movies) have been able to do. That’s not to say it’s a copy, or anything - this series is way more eager to dig into the big, magical mythical stuff that HP mostly only hinted at, and is conversely much more willing to spend time in the real world and discuss real-world issues. It’s . . . really really good.

Also, as a personal bonus for me, there are multiple cool magical creatures which are arthropods - mythical spiders, cool magic wasps, I just love it.

9/10. My mom stopped reading it halfway through saying “As I get older, I’ve had less patience for books that aren’t very good.” But then again, she never liked Harry Potter as much as I did either, so maybe she just doesn’t get our generation.

Click more for reviews of We Hunt the Flame, Bloodwitch, and The Throne of the Crescent Moon

We Hunt the Flame, by Hafsah Faizal Zafira is the Hunter, disguising herself as a man when she braves the cursed forest of the Arz to feed her people. Nasir is the Prince of Death, assassinating those foolish enough to defy his autocratic father, the king. If Zafira was exposed as a girl, all of her achievements would be rejected; if Nasir displayed his compassion, his father would punish him in the most brutal of ways.

I really wanted to like this book. I’ve been reading a lot of Middle-Eastern history and the thought of a fantasy inspired by that is 100% my jam. But this book is just . . . not that good. It’s not offensively bad, it just feels like the first draft of another, better book. I actually did not finish this book. I gave up and took it back to the library.

The main romance feels very predictable, and honestly, it was giving me big Reylo fanfic vibes. The exposition, of which there is massive amounts, is clumsily delivered. It feels like it ought to be the second book in a series, because there are so many past events being explained all the time.

The one thing I kinda liked was the bits of Arabic in the book, and the choice to not exposit the Arabic bits on top of the fantasy bits. And I learned a new Arabic word from this book! That’s a positive.

3/10. Wish they’d spent more time on the editing.

Bloodwitch, by Amelia Atwater-Rhodes (and its sequel, Bloodkin) Vance Ehecatl was raised with every luxury he could imagine in a beautiful greenhouse within the powerful empire of Midnight. Vampires are the only guardians Vance has ever known since he was abandoned by his shapeshifter family as a baby quetzal, and he is grateful to them for generously providing for all of his needs. When an act of violence forces Vance from his sheltered home, he is startled to meet Malachi Obsidian, a fellow shapeshifter with conflicting ideas about Midnight and its leader, Mistress Jeshickah.

This is a new book from an author I loved as a child. Atwater-Rhodes published her first book at 14, when I was four, and I came across her books when I was 11ish and first learning to write. Her book Hawksong was the first romance story I really enjoyed, and its sequel Wolfcry was one of the first times I ever encountered a queer romance in a fantasy novel, at a time I was starting to wonder whether I was queer.

This book still caught the same interest I had in her books all those years ago. Bloodwitch is set in the same world as Hawksong, but centuries later. Personally, I would have preferred a book set in the same timeline, but it was still great to return to this world and its conflicts and magic.

With that said, it wasn’t perfect, and this wasn’t one of those times where I returned to an old favorite author and was like “Oh my god, I never appreciated what a genius she was when I was a stupid kid!” I was particularly struck by Vance’s character arc in the first book, which felt uneven. Vance is raised by the villains, and believes they’re the good guys initially. And then, early in the book, one of them kills his friend in cold blood, shouts at him, tries to kill him, and chases him out of their stronghold. And then . . . he goes back to them, and there’s ANOTHER, separate moment where he suddenly realizes they don’t care about him and turns on them. I really didn’t understand why that first moment didn’t shake his loyalty, but the second one did.

I was also kind of disappointed by the lack of queer characters. A lot of my favorite straight authors, when I checked back in on their work in 2019, have included queer representation, and because I knew that Atwater-Rhodes is herself queer, I was really hoping for some of That Gay Shit.

7/10. Give me that gay shit, Atwater-Rhodes, I know you’re holding out on me.

The Throne of the Crescent Moon, by Saladin Ahmed The Crescent Moon Kingdoms, home to djenn and ghuls, holy warriors and heretics, are at the boiling point of a power struggle between the iron-fisted Khalif and the mysterious master thief known as the Falcon Prince. In the midst of this brewing rebellion a series of brutal supernatural murders strikes at the heart of the Kingdoms. It is up to a handful of heroes to learn the truth behind these killings.

This, this was the book I wanted when I picked up We Hunt the Flame. This is the quality content I want in my fantasy novel. I fell in love with the main character, Adoulla, almost immediately, and I was terrified he was going to die. I just love this prissy, hedonistic, idealistic, middle-aged, fat hero so much, and I will RIOT if Ahmed kills him off.

I liked the other older characters in this book a lot too. Ahmed clearly has a knack for making cool characters. Dawoud and Litaz are cranky old ex-adventurers. Adoulla’s love interest is a middle-aged sex worker who really wants him to commit and marry her or fuck off, and I am so rooting for them, I want them to live happily ever after, they deserve that.

The treatment of sex work and sex worker characters in this book is also a major plus. There’s a lot of moral ambiguity in this book, where I’m not sure which character we’re supposed to believe, but the one issue the book takes a firm stance on is DON’T BE AN ASSHOLE TO SEX WORKERS, THEY ARE PEOPLE TOO. This book is written by a man and is not the kind of feminist fantasy I read a lot of (like We Hunt the Flame and The Tiger at Midnight are) so I was pleasantly surprised by this strong pro-sex worker’s rights message.

On the downside, I did feel like the younger characters were less interesting than the older characters. They still felt like colorful, detailed characters drawn with a skillful hand, but they also felt much closer to the kind of characters you usually see front and center in a fantasy novel. What I loved about Adoulla and company is that you don’t often see fantasy heroes who are fat and old and tired. The romance between the two younger heroes is competently drawn and believable but I did find myself wishing the camera would pan away from them and go back to the cool characters.

Other notes:

I found out that Saladin Ahmed is a Marvel Comics writer and is writing a comic about my favorite superhero, Ms Marvel, and I couldn’t be happier with that news.

I was certain, reading this book, that Ahmed plays D&D and that this book was inspired by D&D, and HA, CALLED IT. My nerd-dar is ON POINT.

9/10. Adoulla is my dad now, no take-backsies.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior Feb. 14, 2020 – SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, FANTASY ISLAND, THE PHOTOGRAPH, DOWNHILL, OLYMPIC DREAMS

It’s Valentine’s Day on Friday and President’s Day on Monday, which means that this weekend is going to be absolutely nuts in terms of getting four new wide releases.  Last week’s Birds of Prey did not do even remotely close to where I predicted/projected – almost half!! -- and here I thought all those raves reviews might help, but apparently not. It will still make money with its global release but it’s gonna fall short even of last year’s Shazam! and many have already started questioning whether an R-rating is the way to go with a movie semi-targeted towards younger women. (Warner Bros. has already sent out a mandate to theaters to change the title of the movie to Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey. I cannot believe that it took this long for them to figure out what a terrible title they had previously!)

With the four-day weekend, it’s very likely that Paramount Pictures’ SONIC THE HEDGEHOG, will prevail, as it brings the beloved SEGA video game character to the big screen with James Marsdenand Jim Carrey, the latter starring in one of his first big-screen appearances in a while. It should be an easy victor this weekend in a market that could desperately use another strong family film.

For those unfamiliar with SEGA’s flagship video game “mascot,” Sonic has appeared in all sorts of other media including animated series and comic books, so one can say that the character is almost but not quite as well known and popular as Nintendo’s Pokemon, which has had a much wider reach in terms of both games and cartoons.

Of course, it’s impossible not to look at Sonic the Hedgehog and completely ignore the relative success of last year’s Pokemon: Detective Pikachu, which had the added benefits of a popular A-list star in Ryan Reynoldsand a summer release. That opened with $54.4 million and made $144 million domestic and $429.7 million worldwide.

On the other hand, Sonic does have Jim Carrey, who hasn’t been in an American wide release since the 2014 sequel Dumb and Dumber To, which only made about $156 million worldwide. At one point, Carrey was one of the biggest box office stars with multiple $240 million plus domestic blockbusters. Maybe the kids won’t be as invested in Carrey’s Mr. Robotnik, but many parents who grew up with Carrey’s comedies will be happy to see him in such a perfect role.

The Presidents Day weekend allows one extra day for parents with kids needing something to do with them sans school. Even so, the biggest movies on the weekend have been superhero movies, including Black Panther, Deadpool and Fifty Shades of Grey, the latter two definitely not for kids. (Daredeviland Ghost Rider also fared well on the weekend.) In fifth place for the weekend is Warner Bros’ The LEGO Movie, which made $62.5 million over the four-day weekend, but that was in its SECOND WEEKEND! So yeah, lots of money to be had for a family movie even though the biggest opener was Christopher Columbus’ Percy Jackson and the Olympians: The Lightning Thief (now on Broadway!), which opened with $38.7 million ten years ago.

I have to imagine that Sonic is more popular, and even with the tragic misstep of that first trailer last year which got such a negative reaction to Sonic’s appearance, Paramount delayed the movie and went back to the CG drawing board, there will be enough fans interested to see how he translates to the screen that $40 million over the weekend should be doable even with three other wide releases. I also don’t think reviews will be so bad, so it should be good for $100 million plus.

Mini-Review: For whatever reason, Sonic the Hedgehog is the kind of movie that lazy critics love to dump on, maybe because it’s a kids’ movie or because it’s a movie based on a video game they played as kids, or more likely, a character their kids know from popular cartoons and comic books. It doesn’t help that judgments were mostly cast when the first trailer hit last year and Sonic looked different than what people expected. Regardless, I went into the movie with very low expectations, maybe because I really had no passionate connection to the character despite being generally familiar with some of the games.

We meet Sonic as he’s being chased by robots, and we flash back to him as a kid on a planet where he’s able to zoom around freely, until he’s discovered by predators that are hunting him (it’s never explained why), so his mentor owl gives Sonic gold rings that can take him off-planet. Sonic ends up in a small town called Green Hills where he watches the townsfolk in hiding for years, including a local police officer (James Marsden) and his wife Maddie (Tika Sumpter). The former eventually discovers Sonic after he causes a major power outage that gets the attention of the government and its genius robotics scientist, Dr. Robotnik (Jim Carrey).

Despite not having much previous connection to Sonic, it’s hard for me not to appreciate this character, because I’ve been known to zip around myself. I also enjoyed Sonic’s haste since who knows when we might see that movie based on one of my favorite comic characters, The Flash. Sonic does a good job capturing the intensity and yes, speed, of having speed powers in quite a masterful way compared to previous attempts, giving me hope that a Flash movie is possible. (Granted, they do rip-off the fun thing Quicksilver does in the recent X-movies by slowing everything around Sonic down to a halt, but it’s still amusing.)

Probably the most genius idea by Sonic’s filmmakers was to convince Jim Carrey to return to the big screen as Dr. Robotnik. He quickly reminds us how hilarious he can be when going as fully into a character as he does this one, and it’s prime Carey vs. the semi-lazy Carrey that made movies in the early ‘00s. Robotnik is a super-genius with no patience for anyone on a lower level of intellect (aka everyone), and Carrey takes that idea to the utmost extreme. (It’s hard not to compare what he’s doing in this movie to what Ewan McGregor does in Birds of Prey and see how Carey does it effortlessly whereas McGregor was clearly trying too hard.)

That’s not to take away from Marsden and Sumpter, Sonic’s other prominent human co-stars, who bring such a warmth and humanity to those characters that you rarely even think that you’re watching them interact with a fully CG-character. (Kudos to Ben Schwartz and what he brings to Sonic as his voice.)

Sure, the plot can be a bit predictable with certain parts clearly geared to kids, but there’s also slew of pop references that display some real talent in the writing of the movie so that it can be watched and enjoyed by people of all ages.

Is it possible that Sonic the Hedgehog is the first thoroughly entertaining movie of the year? Yes, indeedy. (Definitely stay through the first bunch of credits if you are a Sonic fan!)

Rating: 8/10

One of the more interesting releases of the weekend is BLUMHOUSE’S FANTASY ISLAND (Sony Pictures Releasing), which as you can guess is a PG-13 horror version of the popular ‘80s show, starring Michael Peña as Mr. Rouke, the head of a program in which people can pay lots of money to achieve their greatest wishes… with a catch! Since this is Blumhouse, you probably know that the catch involves some sort of horror/thriller premise, and if you’ve seen the trailer, you might get some idea how it works… or not. (I wish I can say more but I’m under embargo!)

The rest of the cast is decent including Maggie Q (from Mission: Impossible 3), Lucy Hale, Portia Doubleday, Michael Rooker, Ryan Hansen, Jimmy O . Yang and more, plus it’s directed by Jeff Wadlow, who last did Blumhouse’s Truth Or Dare (a very bad movie!) and then Kick Ass 2 before that. (He was supposed to direct Sony’s upcoming Bloodshot movie but he left that to do other things, like this.)

Unfortunately, Sony Pictures Releasing (another specialized imprint from the parent company?) seems to have taken a cue from Screen Gems by deciding not to screen the movie for critics until Thursday afternoon (just like with The Grudge!), plus there won’t be ANY Thursday previews for this. It’s a shame since… well, I can’t really tell you if I liked the movie or not since I’m under embargo until Friday. J

Either way, it seems like a strong enough counter to Sonic and Birds of Prey that it should be good for $15 million plus over the four days. Personally, I think it would have opened even bigger if Sony and Blumhouse had shown some balls and screened it for critics in advance, but what do I know? I’ve only written about this stuff for ALMOST TWENTY FUCKING YEARS! (Not sure I’m gonna review the movie but we’ll see.)

I know far less about Universal’s Valentine’s Day offering THE PHOTOGRAPH (Universal), which I guess is a romantic drama that’s targeting African-Americans looking for something to see on the biggest date nights of the year. In fact, we’ve seen some interesting hits on this weekend just by putting “Date” in the movie title, as was the case with Adam Sandler-Drew Barrymore’s 50 First Dates ($45.1 million four-day opening) and even Date Movie ($21.8 million), which satirized romantic movies. But the real winner has to be a movie that went all out for Valentine’s Day by actually going with the title Valentine’s Day, which helped it open with $63 million over the four-day weekend ten years ago. ($23.4 million of that was on Valentine’s Day alone!)

Since I won’t see The Photograph until Weds. night, I can only talk about the little bit of marketing I’ve seen and what’s out there. Apparently, this is more in the vein of Valentine’s Day in that it’s a series of intertwined romantic stories, but it has an impressive cast of African-American actors who are on the verge of breaking out such as the great LaKeith Stanfield and amazing Kelvin Harrison Jr., as well as Rob Morgan (from “Daredevil” and Mudbound) and Courtney B. Vance. I’d be neglect if I didn’t mention any of the women involved and having Issa Raefrom the TV show “Insecure” as the primary female lead is something that shouldn’t be ignored. Stanfield isn’t the only connection to Jordan Peele, though, asLil Rel Howery from Get Outis also in this movie as is Peele’s actual wife, Chelsea Peretti!

I actually had to double check to make sure Peele wasn’t one of the film’s producers, but no, this is from Will Packer, a producer who is responsible for so many huge hits among African-Americans that one of these days I won’t underestimate his drawing power, even though all three of his 2019 movies underdelivered, including the comedy Little (co-starring Rae), although did well compared to their lower budgets.

In that sense, The Photograph could be compared to Packer’s Screen Gems comedy About Last Night, which opened with $27.8 million in just over 2,200 theaters in 2014, but that also had the power of proven box office draw Kevin Hartto bring in audiences. I certainly don’t want to be accused of underestimating Packer again, but with such a generic title and premise (and next to no marketing?), I’m just not sure the movie will deliver despite being decent counter-programming for AA audiences. With that in mind, I think the movie will probably make somewhere between $12 and 14 million.

Then there’s DOWNHILL (Searchlight Studios), the new movie from The Way, Way Back directors Nat Faxon and Jim Rash (who also won the Oscar for cowriting Alexander Payne’s The Descendants), this one being a direct remake of Swedish filmmaker Ruben Östlund’s 2014 film Force Majeure.

In this version, Will Ferrell and Julia Louis-Dreyfus play a squabbling couple who travel to the alps with their kids, but after barely escaping an avalanche – one in which he runs away leaving his family behind – they start questioning their lives. The film also stars Zach Woods (also from “Veep”), Miranda Otto and Zoe Chao, and though it premiered at the Sundance Film Festival (just like the duo’s previous movie), it did not receive great reviews, as it currently sits at 48% on Rotten Tomatoes.

I don’t think that will matter since like Carey above, Ferrell hasn’t been oversaturating the market with movies in the past couple year, maybe because his last movie, Holmes & Watson, reteaming him with John C. Reilly from Step Brothers bombed with $41 million worldwide after horrifying reviews. Fortunately, Louis-Dreyfus is far more loved thanks to her run on “Seinfeld” and her Emmy-winning run on HBO’s “Veep,” and that should help get people into theaters despite all the competition aboe and below.

Searchlight (no more Fox!!) will be releasing the movie into roughly 1,500 theaters, a moderate release to see how it fares, and the extended holiday weekend (plus the chance of it attracting older moviegoers on Valentine’s Day) should help it make $5 million plus over the extended weekend.

Mini-Review: If you’re reading this review hoping for a play-by-play of how Downhill differs from Ruben Ostlund’s Force Majeure, then you’re bound to be disappointed, because a.) I don’t really remember it, b.) I wasn’t as big a fan of the movie as so many others, and c.) I’m going to assume that a lot of people never got around to seeing it.

In this version, it’s Ferrell and Louis-Dreyfus as Peter and Billie Stanton, and there’s much more focus on their roles as parents and the responsibility that goes with that. Once again, Peter runs off when a controlled avalanche comes their way, but they don’t really talk about it so much even as it hangs over their heads.

Nat Faxon and Jim Rash once again find a manageable way of making “dramedy” out of a situation, making sure not to go for constant visual laughs or the zaniness Ferrell usually goes for. (Granted, we can totally believe him as a careless father/husband who does dumb things.) In fact, Ferrell plays his role fairly toned down, which allows Louis-Dreyfus to shine in what’s, oddly, a quite rare movie appearance. How they deal with the aftermath of the avalanche comes to a head when Pete’s work-buddy Zack (Zach Woods) arrives with a ladyfriend (Zoe Chao) allows the two to go at each other. It doesn’t get quite as intense as Marriage Story, but it’s obvious that they both have reached the point in their marriage where they need a separation.

It is kind of amusing that Miranda Otto almost steals her scenes with the two leads because she’s so funny as a hot-to-trot European guest they keep running into and who sets Billie up with a hot Italian ski trainer. There’s a few other funny characters but it mostly stays on Ferrell and Louis-Dreyfus either alone or together, and that’ll be enough for most people.

Faxon and Rash find interesting ways to play with the basic premise, although Downhill is very much comedy with a lower-case “c,” and like the original movie, it should lead to some interesting conversations.

Rating: 7/10

This week’s Top 10 should look something like this… (bearing in mind that the below are all four-day projections). It’ll be interesting to see if the name change for “Birds of Prey” will make a difference, but look for NEON’s Parasite to make its first foray into the top 10 this weekend after 19 (!!!) weeks in theaters, thanks to its Best Picture win last Sunday.

1. Sonic the Hedgehog (Paramount) - $44 million N/A (up $1.5 million)* 2. Harley Quinn: Birds of Prey  (Warner Bros) - $20 million -39% (down $1.5 million)* 3. Blumhouse’s Fantasy Island (Sony) - $15.8 million N/A (up $.3 million)* 4. The Photograph (Universal) - $13.5 million N/A 5. Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $8 million -35% (up .2 million)* 6. 1917 (Universal) - $7 million -23% 7. Downhill (Searchlight) - $5.6 million N/A (up .2 million)* 8. Parasite (NEON) - $5 million +300% (up .4 million and one place) 9. Dolittle  (Universal) - $4.5 million -30% (down .4 million and one place) 10. Jumanji: The Next Level  (Sony) - $4.2 million -24%

*UPDATE: A few minor updates based on actual theater counts with Parasite being expanded into 2,000 theaters, the widest its been so far. I feel like most of the new movies will do well, including Downhill (which will be in 2,301 theaters vs. the 1,500 estimated earlier in the week). Anyway, it should be a fairly hearty and robust weekend at the box office.

LIMITED RELEASES

Before we get to the regular limited releases opening Friday, I want to mention two special releases for Weds. night, Trafalgar Releasing is giving a one-night screening of The Doors: Break on Thru - A Celebration of Ray Manzarek, which I haven’t seen but I’m definitely interested in as a fan of the ‘60s group (and Manzarek’s keyboard work). You can get tickets for that here. Also, Kino Lorber is giving one-night release of Emily Taguchi & Jake Lefferman’s doc After Parkland to commemorate the second anniversary of the shootings at the Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Florida that killed 17 people and began a nationwide student movement for gun control. It’s a fairly sobering and emotional doc, as you can imagine, especially since so little has been done to prevent incidents like this even two years later.

My favorite movie of the weekend is Jeremy Teicher’s OLYMPIC DREAMS ( IFC Films), opening at the IFC Center Friday. It stars Nick Kroll (who you’ll know from “The League,” “Oh, Hello” and other things) and (actual Olympian distance runner) Alexi Pappas, who you may or may not be as familiar with. Pappas plays Penelope, an American competitor in the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea, who is feeling lonely and unable to connect with others until she meets Kroll’s volunteer dentist, Ezra. While at first, it wouldn’t seem like they would have anything in common, they spend a night hanging out and while some might be expecting something romantic, since this is opening on Valentine’s Day, well I won’t ruin what does or doesn’t happen, k?  Either way, it’s a wonderful film co-written by Teichter, Pappas and Kroll, and if that sounds like a familiar formula, then it is indeed the one Richard Linklater used for his sequels to Before Sunrise with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. Olympic Dreams isn’t nearly as deep and philosophical (or wordy), but the two actors are so wonderful together, and they actually filmed this in the Athletes Village at the Olympics (the first film to do so) which adds some authenticity to the sweet little movie. (There will be a sneak preview Weds night at the IFC Center with Teicher, Kroll and Pappas all in attendance!)

Danish filmmaker Lone Scherfig returns with THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS (Vertical), a star-studded ensemble piece starring Zoe Kazan, Andrea Riseborough, Caleb Landry Jones, Jay Baruchel and Bill Nighy (who appeared in Lone’s previous film Their Finest). This is a New York City story about six strangers whose lives intersect and mingle while trying to find help, hope and love. I know it sounds like the Crash-style movie we’ve seen far too many times before, but I have faith in Ms. Scherfig and hopefully I’ll have a chance to watch it in the next day or two.

I also still haven’t gotten around to watching Kenji Tanagaki’s action-comedy ENTER THE FAT DRAGON (Go WELL USA), starring the always-amazing Donnie Yen as police officer Zhu, who is sent to Japan on a routine police escort of a suspect… who mysteriously dies, forcing Zhu to call upon a former undercover inspector to help solve the murder. I’m assuming the latter is the “Fat Dragon” and Yen didn’t gain 200 lbs. for the part.

Opening at the Quad Cinemaon Friday and in L.A. on Feb. 21 is Dimitri de Clercq’sFrench/Belgian film You Go to My Head (First Run Features) about an architect who finds a young woman lost, alone and in a fog in the Sahara after a mysterious accident, but when he takes her to the hospital, he claims to be her husband. As she gets better, he creates an elaborate life to fill in the life they shared which she can no longer remember. It also sounds perfect for Valentine’s Day, so you have plenty of options!

I didn’t have too much to say about Céline Sciamma’s PORTRAIT OF A LADY ON FIRE (NEON), because I think I wrote about it last year, and I haven’t seen the movie since the New York Film Festival. Set in the 18thCentury, it’s about a woman painter who travels to a remote island where she’s commissioned to do a painting of a grieving widow, who she ends up falling in love with. I probably should see the movie again as it didn’t really connect with me the first time, but I can totally understand why others love it so much. (Unfortunately, the 7:10 screening on Friday night at the Angelika with a QnA moderated by my pal, Valerie Complex, is already sold out!)

The second documentary in the last year about a man named “Cunningham” (a different one this time) is Mark Bozek’s The Times of Bill Cunningham (Greenwich) about the famed photographer who died in 2016… and whom I know even less about than I did dancer/choreographer Merce Cunningham. Apparently, he was a New York Timesphotographer for four decades and had a long relationship with First Lady Jackie Kennedy, and this doc is even narrated by Sarah Jessica Parker! It also opens at the Angelika and City Cinemas 1, 2 & 3, and maybe L.A.?

Due to the usual conflicts and circumstances, I wasn’t able to see Lisa Barros D'Sa and Glenn Leyburn’s Ordinary Love (Bleecker Street) as planned, but it’s an appropriately-timed romantic drama starring Liam Neeson and Lesley Manville as a middle-aged couple who must deal with her beast cancer diagnosis. I actually am interested in seeing this, especially to see Neeson back in serious drama mode (it’s been a while), so hopefully I’ll have a chance to see this down the road.

Also opening Friday is Tanya Wexler’s Buffaloed (Magnolia), starring Zoey Deutch as Peg Dahl, a young woman living in Buffalo, the debt collection capital of America but hopes to get out of town and into an Ivy League university. When she’s accepted to her top choice but can’t afford the tuition, she gets pulled into the rope of debt collection.  Also starring Judy Greer, Germaine Fowler, Noah Reid and Jai Courtney, it will open at New York’s Quad Cinema, the Loz Feliz 3 in L.A., Buffalo’s North Park Theater and more theaters.

Opening at the Quad Cinemaon Friday and in L.A. on Feb. 21 is Dimitri de Clercq’sFrench/Belgian film You Go to My Head (First Run Features) about an architect who finds a young woman lost, alone and in a fog in the Sahara after a mysterious accident, but when he takes her to the hospital, he claims to be her husband. As she gets better, he creates an elaborate life to fill in the life they shared which she can no longer remember. It also sounds perfect for Valentine’s Day, so you have plenty of options!

Another SXSW 2019 movie is Richard Wong’s Come As You Are (Samuel Goldwyn), starring Gabourey Sidibe, Grant Rosenmeyer, Ravi Patel, Hayden Szeto and Janeane Garofolo. The three guys in the middle play men with disabilities who go on a road trip to a Montreal brothel to get away from their suffocating parents. Sidibe (from Precious) plays their travelling nurse who drives them across the border to help them lose their virginity. This is an English remake of the Belgian Film Hasta La Vista about the real-life adventure of Asta Philpot.

Sara Zandieh’s indie rom-com A Simple Wedding (Blue Fox Entertainment) also opens in theaters and On Demand on Valentine’s Day, this one following an Iranian-American named Nousha (Tara Grammy) whose hopes for a Persian wedding are dashed when she falls for a bisexual artist/DJ named Alex (Christopher O’Shea). She has to make sure her parents don’t realize they’re living together before marriage. The film also stars Shohreh Aghdashloo, Rita Wilson, Maz Jobrani, Peter McKenzie and James Eckhouse.

LOCAL FESTIVALS

Some cool festivals and series in New York are happening this weekend to offer competition for all the choices above.

Let’s begin with the “Winter Showcase” for one of my favorite annual film festivals, the New York Asian Film Festivalsubtitled “Love at First Bite,” since they’re including a special Valentine’s Day screening of the Korean hit Extreme Job followed by a reception including delicious Korean food. The rest of the line-up is probably more appropriate for the rep section as it will including Asian classics like Stephen Chow’s God of Cookery (1996), Ang Lee’s Eat Drink Man Woman (1994),Tampopo (1985) on Saturday, as well as Ritesh Batra’s amazing The Lunchbox and more on Sunday.

Up at Film at Lincoln Center, there’s the annual “Neighboring Scenes,” the annual celebration of “New Latin American Cinema,” opening Friday with Joanna Reposi Garibaldi’s Lemebel, a documentary about writer/visual artist Pedro Lemebel and his controversial performances amidst Chilean upheaval. Of course, I’m most interested in the Brazilian offerings, but sadly, there just isn’t enough time in the day/week to see as many of the films in this series I’m curious about including the New York premiere of Ema from Chile’s Pablo Larrain (Neruda, Jackie). Click on the link above and check out that line-up.

Further North (in terms of global geography) but South (in terms of New York City geography) is this year’s “Canada Now” series, taking place at the IFC Center from Thursday through Sunday. It will kick off with Guest of Honor, the new film from Canada’s Atom Egoyan, starring David Thewlis and Laysla De Oliveira as father and music school teacher daughter whose lives become complicated when she’s put in prison for earlier crimes. There are seven other movies in this series, most of them getting their U.S. debuts, so that’s another alternative for what could be a busy movie-going weekend.

STREAMING AND CABLE

Lots of stuff premiering on streaming services this weekend including the British animated sequel A Shaun the Sheep: Farmageddon on Netflix, as well as the rom-com sequel To All the Boys: PS I Still Love You, which will premiere on Weds and may end up being the “Netflix and chill” choice for many young people on V-Day. (I honestly never got around to seeing the first movies of either of those yet!)

Over on Hulu, they’re premiering the gender-swapped series loosely based on Nick Horny’s High Fidelity, this one starring Zoe Kravitz, the daughter of Lisa Bonet, who appeared opposite John Cusack in Stephen Frears’ adaptation of Hornby’s book from 2000 that was one of my favorite movies that year! Wait a second, even though Kravitz plays a character named Rob, just like Cusack, is she meant to be the daughter of Cusack and Bonet’s characters in that movie? That would be intense! (But probably not. I’m sure I’ll check it out.)

REPERTORY

METROGRAPH (NYC):

The Metrograph’s Valentine’s Dayweekend offerings include Casablanca (1942), Howard Hawks’ 1944 film To Have and  Have Not, the 1932 film Trouble in Paradise, Douglas Sirk’s Written on the Wind (1956) and another screening of Makoto Shinkai’s animated Your Name. The “To Hong Kong with Love” series continues through the end of February, this weekend screening Yellowing (2016), which I haven’t seen.This weekend, the  Welcome To Metrograph: Reduxwill offer two more screenings of Edward Yang’s 4-hour 1991 film A Brighter Summer Day, while Late Nites at Metrograph  will screen Nagisa Oshima’s 1978 film Empire of Passion, also which I have never seen! Rounding out the weekend’s Asian offering is the Playtime: Family Matineesoffering of Yoshifumi Kondo’s 1995 animated film Whisper of the Heart, which guess what? I haven’t seen that either! Clearly, I need to try to get to one of the four movies, right?  

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Tonight’s “Weird Wednesday” is the Susan Sarandon-James Spader romantic drama White Palace (1990). Oddly, the Alamo is CLOSED on Valentine’s Day.. is this true?!? On Sunday is a special “Drew Believers: Drew Barrymore Movie Marathon” with four of Barrymore’s movies in 35mm! (As of this writing, there are a few seats available near the front.) Monday’s “Fist City” is Sam Raimi’s The Quick and The Dead from 1995 and that’s quickly selling out as well. The “Terror Tuesday” is James Gunn’s hilarious Slither and then next week’s “Weird Wednesday” is the 1987 Ken Russell film Gothic.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Wednesday’s “Afternoon Classic” is the 1961 Oscar-winning musical West Side Story. Weds and Thursday night’s double feature is Robert Altman’s 1971 film McCabe & Mrs. Miller and Sydney Pollack’s 1972 film Jeremiah Johnson, starring Robert Redford. This week’s “Freaky Friday” offering is the classic The Bride of Frankenstein (1935, while Friday’s midnight movie is True Romanceand Saturday’s midnight is 1978’s Mean Dog Blues in 16mm! This weekend continues the “Kiddee Matinee” run with the Alfonso Cuaron-directed Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Monday’s matinee of David Lynch’s Wild at Heart is already sold out but that night is a Robert Clouse double feature of The Pack(1977) and Darker than Amber (1970). Tuesday’s Grindhouse double feature is 1976’s Sky Riders and 1981’s Force: Five.  

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

Thursday is a “Black Voices” double feature of Car Wash (1976) and Cooley High (1975) with guest including Bill Duke in person. John Sayles and Joe Dante will be on hand Friday night for a “John Sayles: Independent” double feature of Piranha (1978) and The Howling (1981). This weekend is the “HFPA Restoration Summit” including a Saturday afternoon presentation called “Serge Bromberg Presents from the Silent Era” with the Lobster Films founder, while the one and only Jane Fonda will be on-hand Saturday evening to present a 4k restoration of the 1972 film F.T.A., which she produced with Donald Sutherland. Saturday night is a screening of The Black Vampire, the 1953 Argentine adaptation of Fritz Lang’s M, and there’s more classic cinema on Sunday as part of the series.

AERO  (LA):

Thursday’s “Antiwar Cinema” matinee is Richard Attenborough’s Oh! What a Lovely War from 1969 with an all-star cast, while that night is a Eugene Levy/Christopher Guest double feature of A Might Windand For Your Consideration. The AERO is ALSO showing Casablancaon Valentine’s Day and then Saturday is another Levy/Guest double feature of Best in Show (2000)and Waiting for Guffman  (1996) with Levy doing a discussion between films. John Sayles and Frances McDormand will appear in person for a Sunday afternoon double feature of 1996’s Lone Star and 1999’s Limbo.

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

MOMI is going a bit crazy with its Valentine’s offering but it’s a good one…Jane Fonda in 1968’s Barbarella as part of its new 2001-inspired series “See It Big! Outer Space”! (If MOMI wasn’t all the way in Astoria, I’d totally go.)  It will play again Sunday with Tarkovsky’s Solaris (1972) playing on Friday and Saturday and 1979’s Star Trek: The Motion Pictureon Sunday. Sunday will also be a repeat of Kubrick’s 1969 film 2001: A Space Odyssey in 70mm with a discussion before the movie between Doug Trumbull and Piers Bizony. There’s also the usual DCP screening of 2001on Saturday afternoon, as part of the exhibition. On Saturday, they’ll screen Marjane Satrapi’s excellent Persepolis(2007) as part of its “World of Animation.”

FILM FORUM (NYC):

Starting Friday, the Forum will be screening a DCP restoration of Luchino Visconti’s L’Innocente (1976), starring Giancarlo Giannini. This weekend’s “Film Forum Jr.” is Guys and Dolls from 1955, starring Marlon Brando, Jean Simmons and Frank Sinatra. (If you read this on Wednesday, you can catch Joseph Strick’s 1963 film The Balcony, starring Shelley Winters, Peter Falk and Lee Grant, in 35mm.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

The Quad’s run of Pandora and the Flying Dutchman continues through the weekend, and there will be Valentine’s Day screenings of Alex Cox’s Sid and Nancy on Thursday and Friday night. (How romantic!)

ANTHOLOGY FILM ARCHIVES (NYC):

The Anthology’s great “The Devil Probably: A Century of Satanic Panic” continues this weekend with screenings of Robert Eggers’ The Witch, Alan Parker’s Angel Heart, another screening of Rosemary’s Baby, as well as screenings of Race with the Devil on Weds. and Thursday night. I missed it last week but they’ve been showing Mark Rappaport’s 1975 film Mozart in Love the past week, as well.

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

The Cage-athon continues Weds. with Neil Labute’s The Wicker Man (2006) and 2009’s Knowing on Thursday. Valentine’s Day sees screening of Baz Lurhmann’s Romeo + Juliet, starring Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes, as well as the 1987 Nicolas Cage movie Moonstruck, co-starring Cher. Spike Jonez and Charlie Kaufman’s Adaptation (2003), starring Cage, repeats on Saturday.

NITEHAWK CINEMA  (NYC):

Williamsburg‘s “Uncaged” series continues Friday with last year’s Mandy at midnight and 1983’s Valley Girl on Saturday morning. Casabalanca is also playing at the Prospect Park on Thursday, and unrelated but Back to the Future will play there on Monday night. Billy Wilder’s 1954 film Sabrina, starring Bogart, Hepburn and Holden will play on Saturay morning.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

Weekend Classics: Luis Buñuel is back with Belle de Jour from 1967, starring Catherine Deneuve.  Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020 will screen the animated Ghost in the Shell, while Late Night Favorites: Winter 2020 will also go with an Anime film, Paprika.

MOMA  (NYC):

Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmon is off Weds. and Thursday but will return Friday with Billy Wilder’s Irma La Douce (1963).

BAM CINEMATEK (NYC):

BAM will continue to show Horace Jenkins’ 1982 film Cane River through the weekend.

Next week, the second to last week of February (man, it flew right by!) will include Fox’s The Call of the Wild, starring Harrison Ford, and the horror sequel, Brahms: The Boy II.

[thesffcorner]

An Alchemy of Masques and Mirrors

An Alchemy of Masques and Mirrors is an adult fantasy written by Curtis Craddock. It follows Isabella, the eldest daughter to Comte des Zephyrs, who is born without her sorcery. Growing up in a world that treats her as either a demon or an object, she only has one friend; Musketeer Jean-Claude. When she gets betrothed to a prince from a neighboring Kingdom, she sees this as an opportunity to have a new life; though a web of assassinations and conspiracies may threaten this future. I had a real hard time getting into this book, and even as I was reading it and was fully intrigued by the plot, I had this sense of dread that the book will go in a direction I would not like, or the ending would make me very mad. I’m happy to report my fears were for naught, and I ended up really enjoying this book. There were definitely elements and plot points that annoyed me, but the plot and characters were strong enough for me to enjoy my my time in this world. So let’s start with what I think will be the biggest draw and the biggest deterrent from reading this book. 

Writing: The best way I can describe Craddock’s style is a mix between The Three Musketeers and Nevernight. The world-building and the plot focused on political conspiracy, marriages and royal bloodlines, as well as just the aesthetics of the book were straight of both Dummas’ work but also the much maligned 2011 film. The way this plot and world are conveyed however (as well as a lot of the magic system and religious aspects of the book) reminded me a lot of Jay Kristoff’s writing. Craddock has a style that I can only describe as overly-specific, overly-descriptive, and quaint; he uses very specific nouns for everything, from the clothes, to the different parts of the flying ships the characters move around on. And when I say specific I don’t just mean dictionary, I mean specific to the time period this is based on, which is 1600 France. It took me so long to parse out what title Comte and Comtessa and Le Roy are equivalent to, who all these different bloodlines and families were, and the fact that all the names of families, characters, cities, ships and castles were French didn’t help one bit. To give you an example, here is just a sentence from Chapter 1. ”All around him, deckhands scurried about, tugging on lines, adjusting sails in a madman’s dance, choreographed to the boatswain cry”pg. 9 And another from a bit later: ”Jerome stood on the rolling deck as if nailed to it, not a hair of his white, powdered wig out of place. He jerked his chin toward the bow and said, “We’re coming in widdershins on the trailing edge”, as if that clarified the matter. “If we don’t overshoot and ram the tower, we should make harbor within the hour”” pg. 11 This, again, comes down to personal preference. If you like this style of writing, and you don’t mind spending the first few chapters kind of confused and just coasting until you pick up on the world and the language, you will certainly find this enjoyable. By chapter 5, I was well caught up in the writing style, and really enjoyed how much personality Craddock managed to inject in the chapters, based on whether we were following Jean-Claude or Isabelle. It also made the world feel that much more well-rounded and real, since at no point did the characters stop and exposit for 3 pages about how things worked. However, if you struggle with this type of writing and world-building you will not have a fun time, because in addition to having to adjust to all the French terms and period words, you also have to contend with all the stuff that’s purely fiction to this world, like otomations, aether, artifex, and sanguinare, to name a few. I won’t lie and say I wasn’t confused; but I liked the plot and the characters enough to keep reading. World-Building: I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned this in any review, but I’m a huge fan of The Three Musketeers. I’ve seen almost all the versions outside the BBC show, and I’ve read the books; they were the first classic I was ever really in love with as a kid. I also love flying ships that look like Caravels, so this world was perfect for me. San Augustus was a fascinating world; it’s a floating island that is held in the sky by magic which is never explained (which isn’t a bad thing). Since it’s floating in the air, people travel on this massive ships like the ones it Treasure Planet, which run on aether, a substance that seems to be the equivalent of whale-oil in the Dishonored games. I know I’m mentioning a lot of visual media, but it always helps me visualize the world, and there was more that reminded me of Dishonored, like the otomations which I imagined were like the Clockwork soldiers and the blend between technology and magic of the world. Where Nevernight comes into play was the fact that this world too is built on the ruins of an ancient civilization of Gods, which is where a lot of the technology, and magic comes from. The people who live in San Agustus today know very little about the Saints that inhabited the world before them, and though they use some of their technology, most of the artifacts and knowledge are collected by the Temple, the religious order of the world. The magic system was another thing that reminded me of Nevernight, and it was very cool. Saint Augustus is ruled by descendants of the Saints, who lived at the same time as the Builder. Each Saint controlled a different type of magic (now categorized by the Temple). Isabelle’s family, the Des Zephyrs are sanguinaires: they have bloodshadows that they use to feast on other humans. They can also hollow out a human and turn them into a bloodhollow, which they can possess to communicate with people or spy on them. The ruling family of Aragoth, the family Isabelle is to marry are glasswalkers, which I found the coolest powers. They can cast their reflection through mirrors and walk in the real world in various locations. Their mirror image is limited by hunger and thirst, and they see everything in reverse, but the mechanics of the power and the creative use it’s put to in the novel were really fun to read about. As for the religion… it was an interesting choice. I had some gripes with it. It’s clearly based on the Old Testament; a woman who was close to the Builder was curious to find out how his inventions worked, and tried to learn math which somehow awoke a demon which destroyed the Builder and all the Saints. Supposedly, in a time of great turmoil and violence, the Builder will be reborn and will resurrect the worthy in a Judgement Day type scenario. Seeing as the basis of the religion is profoundly sexist and even misogynistic, in this world women are not allowed to learn the sciences or the old language, and in some cases even reading is seen as heresy. The one thing they especially can’t do is learn math or astrology, which is precisely what our lead Isabelle really loves and studies. Moreover, women in this world seem to be seen as just walking wombs. They are sold into marriages, and being able to give birth is their only function. I couldn’t tell if this was a thing of the nobles, since we do see working women that are not aristocrats, but there are very few non-noble characters in the book. But rest assured, the society is profoundly sexist one part that made my stomach churn, was a bit where 12 year old Isabelle tells us she carries around a maiden blade, which she isn’t to use to ward off attackers, but to kill herself rather than risk being raped and bring shame upon her family. This was so incredibly unsettling, I even looked it up to see if it was a real historical thing, and apparently it is not. Even if it was, why would you write it in your FICTIONAL book? I will be fair and say that most of the sexist and misogynistic structure of the world is not meant to be seen as a good thing; the characters do lament the state of affairs, the ones we are meant to find likable disagree with seeing women as broodmares and prizes (for the most part; there are quite a few moments where Isabelle defaults to being owned by her father or being owned by her husband which was also Yikes). Craddock does try to show that the sympathetic men do see Isabelle as a person more than a womb with legs (though again, most of them with the exception of Gran Leon think she either needs protecting or want to sleep with her), and he does make sure all the female characters we get, even the villains have agency that is not tied to the men around them. I also have to give him props for having actual female friendships and having characters who are usually either background or written as shallow and vain, have a voice, like the servants, the handmaidens, the ladies in waiting, etc. However. When it comes to male authors, I am always wary of WHY they feel the need to write the world as horribly sexist in the first place. It’s not an oppression they can claim, and everytime I see it in fiction, even if it’s done with the intent to subvert it or question it, I feel squeamish reading it, and don’t trust them to handle it well. Even if the point is to make a point about sexism or misogyny, that doesn’t mean I want to endure 300+ pages of women being treated horribly, assaulted, kidnapped, silenced or otherwise harmed for the benefit of 100 pages of gratification. I have grown jaded of these kinds of stories, and though I really did like the world, and all it’s steampunk musketeer glory, and all the political intrigue, this was not something I could overlook. Everytime I would have fun, I would be reminded that this society sees women as just their womb, that they are completely indispensable and disposable. And I would stop having fun, and start dreading that the next page would have a rape scene or unwanted pregnancy, especially seeing as the main theme of this book is pregnancy. I didn’t trust Craddock as a writer because he chose to set this story the way he did, and while I will admit that was fully my own fault as a reader, I think it’s worth pointing out that we have to endure enough mistreatment in the real world, and I don’t necessarily want it into our fiction, even if it’s made clear that the author disagrees with it. Themes and Plot: The world-building leads me to my next point which is the plot. I’ll start with the bad first and then move onto the more positive stuff. I mentioned at the start, that this book centers on an arranged marriage between Isabelle and Prince Julio of the neighboring Kingdom of Aragoth. The King of Aragoth is sick and dying, and his eldest son, the heir, Prince Alejandro, is refusing to divorce his wife Princess Xaviera or take in a mistress, despite her not being able to bear children. Margarita, the King’s second wife wants her son, Julio to take the throne, and to leverage his eligibility, she wants him to marry and have a child. As all marriages are arranged through the Temple, an artifix, Kantelvar is sent to arrange the one between Isabelle and Julio. What I want to focus on is the theme or pregnancy, childbirth and being infertile. First off, I find it incredibly icky whenever male authors chose to write about women’s abilities to have children or even worse, their inability to have children. It always, always boils down to the character either being told or thinking herself that she’s some kind of monster for not being able to conceive. I HATE this trope, and unfortunately it’s present here. All we ever really know about Xaviera is that she can’t have kids. We know Alejandro loves her, and we know she can apparently wield a sword and pistol (not that we ever see it), but as a character she is simply reduced to her infertile womb. There is even a scene, which was profoundly ill conceived, (no matter how pure the intentions were) where Isabelle tells Xaviera she understands what it’s like to have your entire personhood being boiled down to your disability (Isabelle has a wormfinger). It’s a nice sentiment, except not being able to have children is NOT a disability, and the experiences are nowhere near SIMILAR, let alone the same. Yes, it’s horrible to feel like your body is betraying you, or working against you if you want to have kids and can’t. I can’t imagine what it must be like to have to go through something like that, ESPECIALLY if you live in a society where that is what your entire worth as a human is boiled down to. But this is not a story for a man to tell, especially not if you want to focus so heavily on how other people think Xaviera is worthless, and not XAVIERA, the person who is seen as worthless and who actually has to experience this pain! There is never a scene in which Craddock dissuades the readers from thinking that it’s COMPLETELY unfair and sexist that Xaviera’s competence at being a Queen is negated because she can’t have kids; instead we focus on Alejandro and how he’s just such a good guy because he loves his wife so much that he won’t cheat on her or divorce her. Xaviera deserves a better story than being sidelined to be a foil to Isabelle’s working womb, and I absolutely hate this storyline, even more after we get a reveal that makes Xaviera;s infertility completely moot. Then, there’s also the whole thing with Isabelle’s mother having 3 miscarriages before she gives birth to Isabelle and dying while giving birth to her brother. Her character is mostly comedic relief, and though she may have been a vain, bad person, treating her miscarriages as some sort of divine punishment is incredibly offensive in a book that’s otherwise genuinely funny and clever about it’s writing. Isabelle’s entire birth scene left such a poor taste in my mouth, that I contemplated DNFing the book; it’s played mostly for laughs, with the Comtessa struggling to push Isabelle out, and yet Craddock wrote it the artifax giving a sermon about how the pain women experience in childbirth is the punishment from the Builder for destroying his Kingdom with their curiosity. Not only is this verbatim something religious fundamentals use to torment women with to this day, it’s so incredibly tone deaf and ill-placed in this supposedly lighthearted scene, that I was ready to quit. Then there’s Isabelle. There is a LOT to unpack with her, but unfortunately I can’t, without spoiling the whole book. What I can talk about is how she is treated as, again, a walking womb, for the whole first half of the book. She is arranged to marry Julio because she’s off saint’s blood, has a fertile womb and can’t do magic. It has nothing to do with her intelligence, or her skills or even her damn beauty; no it’s because her womb works and Julio needs a baby. And literary no one, not Jean-Claude, not Isabelle, not even Julio is opposed to this idea, at least until we find out the real reasons for the marriage. She is literary boiled down to her womb, and treated like a prized racing horse, and she is the LEAD CHARACTER. Again, this is not necessarily supposed to be viewed as good, but that’s only after we find out why the marriage was orchestrated. Up until then, no one questions this, and I cannot describe to you how uncomfortable it was for me to read all the 10 000 times people care about Isabelle’s womb more than her, encourage and downright blackmail her into sleeping with a complete stranger so that he can Euron style put-a-baby-in-her, and everytime someone calls her breeding stock or broodmare. That felt good to get off my chest. Let’s talk some positives. My favorite part of the The Three Musketeers is the bit about the Comtessa having her diamonds stolen, and the King asking her to wear them at the ball, and the Musketeers having to go make a new set and bring it in time for the ball. This plot is that same rush of tension and political maneuvering mixed with humor, except the conspiracy is so complicated, there would be no way I could describe it to you all without spoilers. What I can talk about is how through very different approaches and skill sets, Jean-Claude and Isabelle figure out what is happening parallel to each-other. Jean-Claude is like a Musketeer version of Hercule Poirot. He is incredibly good at improvising and acting, he has a way of getting people to talk to him and reveal information they don’t want to, he knows how to lie, fight, shoot, run and has a bit of a temper. While with Isabelle we learn more of the mechanics of the plot, with Jean-Claude we learn about the people involved in the conspiracy, and their various motives. I really enjoyed Jean-Claude’s detective skills; also since he’s the Musketeer, he gets the brunt of the action scenes which were all very fun. Isabelle on the other hand, is more like Sherlock Holmes. She’s good with words and people, but not the Jean-Claude’s effect, and she’s more than a little socially awkward and insecure, especially at first. What she’s good at is logic, facts and math, and she uses her analytical skills to deduce answers and see irregularities and inconsistencies around her. Though a lot of her skills are ones that she’s not supposed to have, like being able to read the Old Language, or know about how ships run and machines operate, her real skill is the ability to appeal to people and what they want, and she has a real knack for diplomacy that I really enjoyed watching develop throughout the book. The entire focus of the book, and Isabelle’s character arc is about soft power; she isn’t a sword fighter or a gunsmith, but she’s very intelligent, kind and clever, and combined with her deduction skills and wordplay, she makes a formidable political player. There is a reason Gran Leon picks her to be an ambassador, even if it’s with hidden intentions; she sees the loopholes in others’ plans and weaves her own, manipulating people when she must, and offering a branch of friendship when she can. I already mentioned the scene between her and Xaviera, but there are many more examples in the book of her making unlikely friends without even really trying to; my favorite scene was her duel of wits with Gran Leon. 

Characters:

Outside of the plot which was excellent and incredibly clever, I loved the characters. There are so many of them, that I couldn’t possibly cover them all, and a lot I can’t talk about because of spoilers, so I’ll just talk about the leading duo, which is Isabelle and Jean-Claude.  

Jean-Claude was my favorite person in this whole book. He was exactly what I imagined Aramis to be like; funny, sarcastic, too clever for his own good, very capable, and yet quite flawed. His father-daughter relationship with Isabelle was heartwarming, though I didn’t much care for how he saw her as someone who constantly needed protection, until she was to be handed off to another man to protect. He sees her as capable, but I wasn’t a fan of how he seemed to never quite understand that she was more than just whatever man was beside her.

He had the funniest quips, and keeping in with the theme of wordplay I liked his little anaphore game with Isabelle.

The other great thing about Jean-Claude, was how his moral compass was at odds to his loyalty to Grand Leon. He owes everything to Grand Leon, as he had handpicked Jean-Claude to be his own Musketeer, but when he finds himself in situations of injustice, Jean-Claude has a hard time standing by, even if it means potentially endangering his standing. He’s a flawed character, and sometimes he was too arrogant or too blindsided to see the full picture, like with  Vincent and Thornscar, and he is like any good Musketeer quite fond of self-indulgent pity.

One of his best quotes:

”Majesty, please excuse me for bleeding in your presence, but someone just tried to shoot the princess’s coach and bomb me, which is rather backward of the way I would have done it, but I’m thankful for his incompetence” pg. 249

Isabelle on the other hand is a lot more subdued, which makes perfect sense, seeing all the things she has been through. She has had a very abusive childhood, with her father trying to force her sorcery to come out, as well as being bullied and shunned because of her wormfinger.

I tried looking up to see if wormfinger is a real thing, and I couldn’t find anything, but as best as I could understand it, it’s a hand deformity where the hand has a single, unresponsive finger. Since this society is incredibly focused on looks and sexual appeal for women, Isabelle is considered a freak and even a devil-child, which isolates her. However, what I really appreciated was that she accepts her disability as just another part of herself, not some kind of burden, and she is content with herself. The book also doesn’t focus on her appearance, other than general descriptions, (which was true for all of the characters, points for you Craddock).

Isabelle suffers from a lot of trauma, especially concerning her own voice and words, as something happens to her, which is a direct result of someone misconstruing her words to hurt her. However, she’s still if not happy, then content, and though she’s not the bravest character in the book, she pushes through regardless, and tries to meet all her obstacles and overcome them, no matter how daunting they look.

There is a very mild romance in the book, but it’s so insignificant to all that happens that I hesitate to even call it a subplot. I liked this too; most of the relationships Isabelle builds are with friends and allies and what motivates her is entirely her friendship to Marie. I loved that her strongest allies outside of Jean-Claude were always other women; Marie, Valery, Gretl, even Xaviera. Her friendship with Gretl was especially important, as she is the only character who treats Gretl as a  human rather than some kind of object and the disability representation for Gretl was I thought well done.

Conclusion:

Though I might have come off harsh on a lot of aspects of this book, it’s only because the parts that were good were great, and every time we took a detour from those parts into bad territory it was all the more jarring. It’s a really fun book, and if you are looking for a gunpowder fantasy with a world we don’t often see in fiction, a focus on diplomacy, politics and a kick-ass pair of leads, then I recommend it.

However, if talk of fertility, childbirth, miscarriage and the threat of sexual assault unsettle you you might want to stay away; as much as I’d like to separate the adventuring from this, these are the main themes of the book, and it’s impossible to ignore them.

goodreads

[woohooligancomics]

Webcomic Whimsy: Return of Wonderland

Welcome to the Woohooligan Weekly Webcomic Whimsy! If you're a webcomic author and would like a review, you can see my announcement and review rules here.

Title: Return of Wonderland

Author: Emily McKenna

Site: ComicFury

Genres: Comedy, Fantasy, Adventure, Slice of Life, Blood-Bath Mystery, Acid-Trip War Story

Rating: PG (?)

Updates: Unknown

My Starting Point: Page 502 begins what appears to be the 16th chapter. Emily suggested starting on page 1, but there's a marked improvement in the art over nearly 600 pages and I want to give her the best chance of finding new readers. I read the prologue for background, but won't be including those pages here.

Synopsis (from ComicFury): Allie Leland has grown up in a small town where everyone has a missing family member. No one knows why they are disappearing, and the few that do turn up have lost their mind. Allie wanted to help find the truth while still sticking to her normal high school routine, but when she is suddenly attack by a two head monster things start to unravel around her. Now she must become the Alyss for the White Kingdom of Wonderland if she ever hope to find the truth behind the disappearances.

Several things are obvious at the start. First, the story is a treatment of the world from Lewis Caroll's Alice In Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass. Secondly the art is hand-drawn, although I'm not sure if the colors are crayon or pencil, and the lettering is digital even though the dialogue balloons are part of the hand-drawn panels. It's a little jarring to see the obviously digital letters placed into hand-drawn balloons, and I suspect it's caused problems for Emily on occasion when a balloon isn't large enough for the dialogue she planned.

What's not as obvious is that the spelling and grammar for the series are pretty rough. I presume that "hello there, non-cat animus" is supposed to sound a little odd, coming from a Wonderland native, but it's often hard to know whether phrases like "in work" (instead of "at work") or "it will be easy to communicate better" are deliberate or if they're written that way because Emily is young(?) or speaks English as a 2nd language?

With or without reading the prologue, "we have a rabbit hole to inspect" should ring bells for anyone who's ever heard of Lewis Caroll's work.

The following page shows two other dudes who appear to be nearby but not actively engaged with the heroine, Ally, and the Hatter.

Why is he saying "both of you"? Does the blond guy have multiple personalities? Anyway, both of them seem to be Wonderland natives in disguise... and although the one is a rabbit, he appears to be a tan color, so I don't think he's the White Rabbit from the book. The faces in the middle panels here are a good example of why I didn't want to start on page 1. While the art as a whole is rather rough, moments like this show that Emily has real potential. :)

As a bit of an aside, everyone who treats Caroll's work fixates on the Hatter, who was kind of a footnote in the books... once I'd like to see a treatment where he's not a main character and they focus on someone else instead like the Mock Turtle or the March Hare. I'm not picking on Emily, it's just something I've noticed about writers who piggyback on Caroll.

Oh, the dormouse is in Allie's purse... I didn't get that on the page where I started -- looking back now I see it.

I can't make heads or tails of anything else on that page... This may be like the TV series Lost where you can't miss any episodes or you won't be able to follow the story.

That's an interesting interpretation of the Cheshire Cat... Maybe it's just the illustration, but he looks like Danny Trejo. To be fair, "we're all mad here" is totally a Trejo line. :P

The story switches back to the rabbit and the red knight, who're investigating something that I can't quite follow... and then.

Oh, it's a Five Nights At Freddies parody, too...

And then we're back to Allie, Hatter, Cheshire and the Dormouse.

You have to be careful with size-changing cakes... they're addictive. I hear the same thing about Viagra.

You know, Allie is supposed to be bringing peace after the 100 years war... (according to the prologue)... she seems to be doing a pretty shit job, even her friends are fucking bloodthirsty.

We're a representative democracy!

We're not a representative democracy!

You have to respect an informed murderer...

Hatter's dialogue is spearing Cheshire in the head? ... Isn't he beat up enough? Now he gets death by Scrabble?

Oh, the Red Knight is the other "Alyss"... it's in the Prologue -- "Alyss" is a title given to prophesied peace-bringers. But I guess the Red Alyss is hacking into people with a sword, so maybe Allie's doing a better job anyway.

Oh, the other peacekeeper is a bloodthirsty dick... there's a twist I didn't see coming. "Extra! Extra! Peacekeeper begins peace talks with brutal massacre!" ... That's a bold strategy, Cotton, let's see if it pays off for him.

Okay, I'm sorry to Emily if I haven't really been able to piece the plot together here... if you're a fan of Lewis Caroll fan fiction and ultra-violent mysteries, give Return of Wonderland a look!

If you are a webcomic author and are interested in a review from me, you can check out my announcement and my review-request rules here.

If you enjoyed this and want to help me make more reviews, you can contribute on our Patreon or if you're short on funds you can also help by checking out and sharing my own comedy and laughtivist webcomic, Woohooligan!

Thank you for sharing yourself with us! Sam

[juggiehasmyheart17-blog]

Dancing Heels 5

Warnings: Slight smut, mentions of abortion, slight rape/ non-con, slight swearing Rated: PG 13 Words: 3207 Enjoy! ----------- Betty sat silently in the empty dance studio, she had arrived much earlier than she was expected to. She couldn't sleep the night before, the dance moves floating in her head and the thought of kissing Jughead pestering her. Jughead marched in the room as if something was bothering him, the door slamming behind him. Betty jumped at the sound, looking up from her book. “Baby! I didn't realize you were here.” He said flustered, his face turning pink. “Um so I thought we’d work on our routine now since you know the steps.” He said walking to the stereo, clearing his throat. “Uh yeah.” Jughead kept his back turned to her. Acting like he was a proper dance instructor and not a boy who spent a sleepless night thinking of how her soft skin brushed against his as they danced. How her heated nervous breathes overwhelmed his senses. Betty joined Jughead near the stereo and slipped on the heels Ronnie gave her for the performance. She had never worn anything like these, edgy and feminine, the heel much higher than Betty's mother would ever allow her to wear. Once strapped into the shoes, Betty stood and took Jughead's outstretched hand. The expression on his face was soft, the wrinkles of worry long gone. What happened? Betty couldn’t put her finger on it, but he was different. Maybe it was just her imagination but Jughead seemed nicer recently, perhaps he didn't hate her anymore. Even the way he held her hand was different, softer. Yet he somehow managed to hold her up right in their position. She liked it. She liked this new Jughead. Jughead pulled Betty close and turned her so her back faced him. “Follow me.” He said simply taking her arm and stretching it around his neck. Betty bit her lip and watched his movements. His eyes trailing along her neck and up to her flush face. Jughead let go of Betty's hand and slowly trailed his hand down the inside of her arm. Betty squirmed from the laughter she felt and the sudden warmth settling in the pit of her stomach. Jughead sighed, “No. again.” He grunted throwing her arm down to her side and picking it up again gently to repeat his actions. This time Betty stood still, letting the pressure in her stomach torment her. Jughead took ahold of Betty's right hand as her arm fall softly beside her. He pushed her out gently so she twirled away from him and back again quickly. She was close to him again, this time facing him her breath hot on his neck. Betty let her eyes search his cluttered face, so many emotions laying there waiting to be found. “Dip.” Jughead instructed. Betty nodded slightly and arched her back slowly letting her head fall. She then raised her body to meet his eyes again. “Hips” Jughead spat quickly covering up his groan. Betty obeyed swinging her hips gently against his leg. Jughead let her head fall into the crook of his neck as she moved against him. “Fuck.” He mumbled egging Betty on even more. She grinned and let her hand trail down his chest. Jughead grabbed her hand holding it in place on his chest. His eyes met hers as he began to salsa with her. Betty smiled slightly at him and followed his moves. Jughead turned Betty once again so her back laid on his chest his hand sprawled on her stomach. Betty took a deep breath feeling his gaze content on her. She bent her knees allowing her to slide down the expanse of his body. Jughead's breath hitched as he watched her. Betty focused on the sound of his breathing her heart pumping along with it. She stood and turned to face him, her arms enveloping his neck. Jughead's jaw clenched, his firm hand pulling her against his taut chest. Betty mouth gaped open slightly, her hands traced around his stomach to his back. Betty stepped in between his legs, now each leg on either side of his right thigh, arms wrapped around his neck, as she began to rock with the music. His hands gripped her hips harder, guiding her to move with him. She couldn’t help but start to breath heavily. She felt herself grind against his jean covered thigh. He let out a groan as he saw any walls she had up slip off of her face. She had her eyes closed, a small smile appearing on her slightly parted lips as she continued to dance with him. Pure bliss dancing on her face. It seemed like she wasn’t thinking about anything at all, anything but the melody that her body made as it moved against his. The rhythm of his hands pressing and tapping on her hips. Without even realising it, he bet his knees a bit, his arms slipping down from her hips to her ass, pressing her closer to him. She took the hint and kept grinding against him, her face now leaning against his. She could feel his hot breath on her neck, sending shivers down her spine. The studio fell silent escaping Jughead's notice. Betty snaked her head into the crook of Jughead's neck. She sat her lips against his earlobe as she whispered to him. “The music stopped.” With the hint in Betty's words, Jughead lost the inch of control he had left in his body. A single beat of time escaped them before Jughead had Betty pinned up against the wall behind her. His mouth fervently finding hers. Betty gasped grabbing his hips for stability. Jughead wrapped his hands tightly on her neck, pushing his body against hers. His lips were slightly parted, both soft and rough on Betty’s all at once. At first, she didn’t kiss back, she stood there frozen. This was her first kiss, she didn’t know the first thing to do. Her midnight fantasies were nothing compared to what Jughead was doing to her now. Jughead started to move his lips against hers, slowly but passionately as she slowly gained confidence and began to kiss him back. She felt like a little kid, feet stuck to the floor. Soon she caught his rhythm and mimicked his actions, sucking on his bottom lip making him groan out loud. His rough hands made their way into her hair as he tugged on it lightly, making her look up. He broke the kiss, letting her catch her breath as he started to kiss his way down her jawline, finding a spot on her neck, he started biting and sucking on it, making her close her eyes. ‘’Jughead.’’ His name rolled off her lips as she grabbed on to his shirt, tugging at it, not knowing what to do with herself the overwhelming pleasure of finally feeling his lips on her skin driving her crazy. Betty grabbed the sharp line of Jughead's jaw and moved his head back to her lips. She kissed him gently, trying her new skill set. Betty pulled away, “I like you Jughead.” She didn’t know what came over her but the sudden wave of confidence coming over her told her this was the right thing to do. The words cascading from her mouth. ‘’I..’’ Jughead couldn’t help but be surprised by her statement. Yes, he felt attraction to her and wanted to be around her constantly. He had felt that way almost since the first time he saw her, but people like them didn't belong together. They were nothing alike. She was an uptown rich girl and he was the son of a south side serpent. There is no future he could imagine where they would actually work out. ‘’Baby,..’’ It took all of his will power for him to step away from her. ‘’I’m not good, Betty.’’ He sighed. ‘’I’m no good for you.’’ ‘’That’s not true!’’ She stepped forward, adrenaline rushing in her veins. ‘’It is!’’ He quickly took another step back. Betty countered with another step forward, “We have electricity that pumps through us every time we dance and gravity that pulls us closer to each other when we're in the same room.” She paused taking a deep breath. “You can't tell me that's no good.” Jughead sighed looking down at his feet then glancing back up at her. “I'll ruin your life. You won't get a happy ending with me. Your parents won't approve, our house won't be encased with a white fence, and kids? Guess what, they will grow up to be just like me.” Jughead said his eyes searing into her own. Betty shook her head at his words, willing herself to be tough and keep her tears inside. “Don't you get it Jughead? I don't want the life my parents have. I want a life of my own not a cookie cutter version of my family. I want you, goddamn it I've wanted you since I first saw you dancing with Ronnie.” Jughead nostrils flared with the thought of his willpower disappearing from him. He shook his head and closed the gap between him. “You're gonna regret this.” He whispered as he cupped her face in his hands. Betty smiled at her and bit her lip, “Best regret i’ll ever have”, she murmured onto his lips as she kissed him. That night at dinner was especially Betty's favorite. It didn't take long after Betty arrived for Jughead to show up, Ronnie on his arm. Betty mood instantly lifted as he saw her and sent a wink her way. Betty giggled knowing the secret they kept, their makeout session in the studio leading to a confession. Her mother would kill her and that somehow made it better. Thankfully at this moment her mother was distracted by Polly and Jason, the waiter, the boy Polly claimed to love. Betty's attention switched to Ronnie who looked pale and tired. Who knew losing a baby caused so much pain. Jughead had taken Ronnie to the doctor yesterday, to “take care of it”. It was a cheap doctor, only $100 to perform the surgery. Betty was unsure if they could trust the doctor, but then again Betty was unsure of the abortion itself. Kevin waved his arms from across the room trying to catch Betty's gaze. Betty looked at him with a smile and cocked her eyebrows. “What?” She mouthed. Kevin motioned to his face and pointed at her. She knew exactly what he meant, she was happy, glowing even. She glanced at Jughead who had his eyes fixed on her, a grin glued to his face. Betty blushed and looked back to Kevin, whose mouth was open looking between Betty and Jughead. Betty covered her face trying to hide her giggle. Kevin pointed to Jughead, “him?”, he mouthed. Betty dropped her hands and nodded, sucking her lip into her mouth with a blush. Kevin practically bounced in his seat. The music danced through the dining hall loudly trying to drown out the meaningless chatter. Betty tapped her feet to the beat making Jughead want to dance with her again. He knew they couldn't, he sighed as his colleagues danced. He wasn't dancing much since Ronnie wasn't feeling herself. He eventually caught Betty's eye, she smiled and waved quickly in his direction. Jughead chuckled at her and motioned towards the door with his head. Betty nodded and got up from her seat. “I'm gonna use the powder room.” Betty quickly explained before she slipped out the back door. Betty took one step out the door into the cold when Jughead captured her by the waist. She screamed knowing no one would hear her over the loud music. Jughead chuckled as he brought her close, “shh”. He captured her smile with his lips. She giggled wrapping her arms around his neck. “Let’s go for a walk.” Jughead suggested as he pulled her body close. Betty bit her lip, “Trying to get me alone Juggie?” She teased wiggling her eyebrows. He laughed and shook his head. “Save that for later. Come on.” He said releasing her from his hold and taking her hand pulling her along behind him. Betty giggled, why does everything he does make her giggle? They found themselves walking in silence along the dull street lights, silence crowded out their thoughts. It was comfortable, like they had been doing it for years. Jughead quickly found a tree to sit, they didn't need to hide because everyone was inside enjoying their dinner. They could be at peace no worrying if her parents would see or if another person would see and tell. Jughead sat with his back against the tree pulling Betty down to sit in between his legs. His arms quickly wrapped around her waist and kiss was placed on her cheek. “Alright mystery man, think you can let some of your mysterious aura go for me?” Betty grinned up at him through her light brown eyelashes. Jughead nearly melted at the sight of her, it was almost like the first time he saw her. The drop of his stomach and the feeling of never wanting to let her go was a common occurrence, something he encountered every time he looked in her eyes. “Only for you Baby.” He smirked at her causing Betty to shake her head. “Alright cheeseball. Do you have any siblings?” “One sister, Jellybean.” Jughead said as if it wasn't a big deal. “Older or Younger?” Betty pried while thinking what a strange pick of names his family had. “Younger, she's 11. She collects song selection menus from jukeboxes. She wants to be called JB, she thinks she’s real cool.” Betty laughed knowing it was every kids’ dream to be “cool”. “So... she's you?” She asked, Jughead staring at her face in slight shock. “Are you saying I'm not cool. I just think I am?” His mouth sat open. Betty giggled and cleared her throat, putting on her best Jughead voice. “Hi, I'm Jughead and I wear a badass leather jacket and I don't smile unless forced. I'm cool and all the ladies dig me.” Betty teased dancing in her seat as if she was walking like him. “Oh really? Is that so?” Jughead asked his hands sliding back on her waist to tickle her. Betty screamed and laughed flailing in his lap. “No juggie stop. Some gonna hear m-” laughter escaped her lips again when his hands suddenly stopped moving. Her breath was unsteady, her hands held Jughead's not trusting him to start again. Betty noticed his lack of movement and grinned moving up to reach his lips. “Don’t worry, Jug. I like the jacket.” She mumbled kissing his lips. “Good cause it's not going anywhere.” Jughead grinned against her lips pulling her so she sat straddling his lap. Footsteps raced towards them followed by an anxious voice. “Jug! Betty!” Jughead groaned as Betty popped up from her spot not recognizing the voice calling them. They looked towards the voice to find a sweaty Archie, breathing as if he just ran a marathon. “It's Ronnie.” Was all he managed to choke out. Polly and Jason were taking a stroll along the lake. Jason held Polly under the crook of his arm. Her smile stayed plastered on her face, happy she found someone to love this summer. He was so handsome and he liked her. Maybe Betty was wrong maybe it is okay to fall in love and get married. Maybe their mother was right. Maybe that was the life the Cooper women were cut out for. And maybe Polly found the man who was going to be her husband. “Would you like to sit for awhile?” Jason suggested motioning to a nearby log sitting near the lake. Polly smiled and took a seat, Jason following soon after. “What's your family like Jason?” Polly asked while resting her head on Jason's shoulder. Jason snaked an arm around Polly's shoulder. “Actually similar to your family, now that I think about it. I have a younger sister, my family’s uptight and my sister’s the rebel.” Jason drifted off looking at the lake. Polly moved away from his embrace. “Uptight? Rebel? My family is not like that. My mother has her preferences but my family is not uptight. And Betty’s not a rebel! What makes you think that?” Polly countered defending her family. “Sweetheart, I'm sorry. Forget I said it, huh?” He asked softly leaning towards her. Polly sighed not ready to let go so quickly but her argument was quickly interrupted as her focus switched to Jason's pale pink lips. Jason closed the gap quickly, his lips moving against her. Polly gasped at his quick change of pace but kissed back. It wasn't their first kiss but the prior kisses were chaste and sweet. This was different, hurried and eager. Jason took her actions as a sign to move forward. He continued to kiss her, his right arm holding her around her waist and his left hand glided slowly up her leg. An alarm went off in Polly's head, her hand quickly grabbing Jason's as he past her knee. “What are you doing?” She mumbled against his lips. “Kissing you. Having some fun.” He shrugged as if there was nothing to explain. He ignored the grip on his hand and moved it further under her skirt. His hand guided Polly to lay down against the log. “Jason, no!” Polly warned pushing him away from her. Jason chuckled at her. “Relax baby, it will be fine, we're just fooling around.” He hushed letting out a quiet, “shh.” Polly shook her head and push against him with all the strength she had left. “No Jason!” She exclaimed standing up and back away from him. “What is wrong with you?” “What's wrong with me?” Jason scoffed. “I thought you were a girl that like to have fun? Get loose? Escape your parents?” He retorted standing up to face her. “I'm not the kind of girl who sleeps with a guy she's known for two weeks by a lake!” Polly huffed, “and obviously it's you I have to escape from not my parents!” She countered turning on her heels to walk away. “Wanna know why I called your sister a rebel?” Jason questioned causing her to turn back to face him. He smirked as she faced him, he was mad and he wanted her to be mad too. “Because she's sleeping with Jughead Jones, the dance instructor.” Polly head scrunched back in shock. “You're lying. You have no proof.” Jason laughed, “Sure I do I saw them getting hot and heavy today in the studio.” Polly shook her head, “You're a jerk and an idiot! And to think I thought about marrying you.” Polly scoffed shaking her head and walking away. “Like I'd even marry a stuck up princess like you!” Jason called after her, getting the last word. Polly tried her best to ignore the words he said as she walked back to cabin. The things he said were hurtful but more importantly made up. Her parents, although particular, were not as bad as he claimed. And Betty wasn't at all who he said she was. She was not a rebel and she was most certainly not sneaking around with Jughead Jones

[anythingstephenking]

Bromance Extraordinaire

I’ve never read a word of Peter Straub's, but now I certainly want to. His collaboration with King, The Talisman, was an epic journey I never wanted to end.

In my last year of high school, I gobbled up the first 3 Harry Potter books. When the Goblet of Fire was released in 2000, I started a tradition - Barnes and Noble at midnight for each of the remaining 4 books. I waited with nervous anticipation, paid for my reserve copy and went home and read. I’d read and read until I fell asleep with the book on my chest around 3am. Wake up, and read until the book was gone. Reading knowing, with all my nervous energy, that I’d finish and there would be no more. When I was done with The Deathly Hallows, I cried, unapologetically, because then, there really was no more.

I consumed The Talisman with same fury that I devoured Harry Potter back in the day. I did not know the story going into it - only that it was a combined effort of King and Straub. Nothing more. I picked it up around 10am, thinking I’d knock back a few chapters before I went about my day. Fourteen hours later, I was still reading. I could not put this book down. I finally fell asleep, as before, with the book on my chest, and awoke with excitement knowing I had the last 100 pages to look forward to.

I guess Straub and King became fast friends the first time they met. King’s friends - Frank Darabont, George Romero, Peter Straub - are cut from the same cloth of strange genius. Straub and King discussed writing together, and used snail mail (poor people of the 80s) to correspond on the specifics of the story for four years. They eventually came together at Straub’s Connecticut home to put together their outline. 75 pages of outline. This was going to be an epic tale for sure.

King and Straub wrote the beginning and the end in the same room - the beginning at Straub’s home in Connecticut and the end at King’s home in Maine - standing over each other shoulders and taking turns at the computer.

King much preferred his typewriter, but Straub and King were stuck using a computer, floppy disks and a modem to transmit pages back and forth to each other. It’s quite amusing to think of 1980s King standing over some new technology, swearing because he didn’t know how it worked. And after a year or so, they had The Talisman.

If you get the chance, please read this book. As best I can describe it is part The Stand, part The Body, part Dark Tower, part Tom Sawyer and part Lord of the Rings. A quest across the country that leads through alternative universes and a young boy coming of age against immense odds.

Bromance then...

And now. Love.

Our hero is Jack Sawyer, a 12 year old boy with a dying mother. Desperate to help her but with no power to do so, he spends his days wandering the empty tourist town of Arcadia Beach, New Hampshire. He meets the caretaker of the amusement park, Speedy, who helps kickstart our journey.

See, Jack is no normal boy. They hardly ever are. He has the ability to travel to “The Territories” - geographically similar but smaller in scale to the US of A, but remarkably different. The Territories could most aptly be called medieval-magical. There is a queen (who is also dying), lords, friendly werewolves and of course ale (never “beer”). My mind wandered to The Gunslinger and I know these universes must cross paths but I’m too scared to read anything on the internet about it in fear of being spoiled.

Speedy gives Jack some very veiled instructions, as most guides do, and sends him on his way into The Territories to collect the Talisman, save the queen and his mother.

Jack learns that The Territories are like his world in more than just geography. They’re filled with “Twinners” that resemble folks that Jack knows on the other side. Evil is evil in both worlds. Good is good. It is most disappointing that King and Straub couldn’t come up with anything better than Twinner, but we’re really splitting hairs here. 

Now this book jacket describes this story as “the most frightening book of the decade”, which I believe is pretttttty misleading to the American book reading public. Although this novel has its fair share of scary parts (radioactive creatures chasing you through a wasteland and an evil wizard with a lightning stick hot on your trail), we’re most certainly deep in the fantasy column here.

Like The Stand before it, The Talisman is an adventure to the nth degree, pitting good against evil. Unlike the real world, there are no relatable flawed people here. You are good or you are bad. Or you are Jack and you are special and set to save the day, year, century, universe(s).

Knowing that King and Straub wrote a follow-up in 2001, Black House, made me jump with joy. Knowing that I won’t cross it’s path for another 25 books is a bummer, but I will be looking forward to it. Also, King and Straub have promised a trilogy, so I may have a third before all is said and done. Happy day.

First Line: On September 15, 1981, a boy named Jack Sawyer stood where the water and land come together, hands in the pockets of his jeans, looking out at the steady Atlantic.

Last Line: (Not going to tell you, it spoils the ending and I don’t want to!)

10/10 - will try to get everyone I know to read this book immediately

Adaptations

The Talisman has never seen the theatric light of day. I would have gladly devoured a 6 hour miniseries if there was one. Sure, make Trucks into a movie, but leave The Talisman on the shelf. That makes sense. 

Spielberg bought the rights to direct it when the book was released, but it never went anywhere. From what I have read, mostly because no one could get a decent screenplay together. Spielberg also wanted a PG rating, which I can’t imagine them being able to accomplish with the source material. At some point it was planned as a miniseries on TNT but was not meant to be.

Next onto Thinner, with my favorite guy, Richard Bachman.

[gabriellakirtonblog]

How to Find Your Target Market for Personal Training

Success in business boils down to two things: effective marketing and a quality product.

One helps you get customers. The other helps you keep them. But first you need to know who you’re marketing to, and who your product is for.

Marketing to everyone is a waste of time and money. The more you focus your brand on the right target market for you, the faster you’ll build your personal training business. It’s the difference between throwing darts at a bare wall in a dark room and having a clear bullseye to aim for.

Another benefit of sharpening your focus: Once you stand out as the go-to expert for a specific niche, you can charge more for your services.

I know how well it works because, in nearly 15 years in the fitness industry, I’ve successfully targeted three unique markets: stay-at-home moms, people with obesity, and baby boomers.

I wish I could say it was simple, that I announced I wanted to work with stay-at-home moms between the ages of 30 and 50 who’re interested in health and fitness, and clients lined up to train with me.

Figuring out, and refining, my target market was an ongoing process. Still is. The following three steps allowed me to build successful businesses around each target market, and they should work for you as well.

READ ALSO: Create a Personal Trainer Business Plan in Six Steps

1. Begin with something you’re interested in or feel passionate about

In college, I belonged to a personal training program that let me work with dozens of clients right from the jump. I didn’t set out to work with moms, but by getting a chance to train a few of them, I realized how much I enjoyed it. By graduation, I knew that’s who I wanted to focus on.

Years later, I met marketing guru Joe Polish, who shared three powerful questions for launching a successful business:

Who do you want to be a hero to?

How do you want to be a hero to them?

What product or service can you create to do that?

The framework made sense because I’d already used it. Who did I want to be a hero to? Stay-at-home moms. How? By helping them be their healthiest, most energetic selves. The product or service: bootcamp-style training with free child care.

My inspiration was my own stay-at-home mom, who raised four children and always put our needs above her own. Growing up, I often felt she needed an outlet, a place where she could connect with adults and enjoy the kind of “me time” you get from a great workout. Now, as a trainer, I could give that outlet to other deserving moms.

Thus, my starting point was a population I wanted to serve. It should also be your starting point.

Now comes the hard part: making it work for you, and using it to reach your financial goals. In my case, I found a gym with on-site child care where I could lead my bootcamps in exchange for a percentage of my fees.

I had no idea if it would work. Would moms want to train with a kid just out of college? And if they did, could I make enough for it to be worthwhile? I admit I lucked out. I just followed my heart, and built a solid business.

Three important pieces of advice:

Train as many types of clients as you can for your first year or two. I was able to do this in college, but most trainers won’t get this opportunity until they land their first job.

Don’t rush into a niche. Keep an open mind. See who you gravitate toward, and who is attracted to you.

When you get more referrals from one type of client than any other, you’ve probably found your target market.

READ ALSO: How to Make More Money as a Personal Trainer

2. Create avatars for your target market

When trying to define a new niche, it helps to start with a wide lens, and then systematically narrow your focus. You want to consider some or all these demographic factors:

Gender

Age

Income level

Marital or family status

Training experience

Learning style

Fitness goals

Identify three to five pain points within this audience, and build an avatar for each one. Here are some examples from my Fit Over 50 program:

A 55-year-old woman struggling with postmenopausal weight gain

A 65-year-old retiree who wants more energy

A 73-year-old concerned about falling

Now go deeper still: For each avatar, try to identify at least three reasons why this person might want to hire you.

Let’s take the 65-year-old retiree. Maybe she wants to:

Kick around a soccer ball with her grandkids

Easily get up and down from the floor

Take fun, active vacations

Return to hiking, tennis, golf, or another physical activity she used to enjoy, or start a new one that requires better mobility or a higher fitness level

You must let market research inform your avatars. I can’t emphasize that enough. It won’t work if you make assumptions about what your target clients should want.

Immerse yourself in your clients’ world. Visit the stores where they shop. Read the magazines they read. Talk to them, and pay attention to the language they use.

I do a lot of my market research on sales calls, which I never delegate to anyone else on my team. I talk to 100 people a month, and have spoken to thousands in my career. What they tell me about their frustrations and goals often makes it into my ad copy, using their own words.

But how do you do that when you’re starting out, and don’t have any sales calls? Host a gathering with some of the people you’re targeting, and just sit and chat with them. Ask about their goals and challenges. What have they done, and what do they want to do?

Whatever vision you started with, you must refine it to match the reality you see in your research.

A successful target market exists at the intersection of fantasy and reality. You dream of who you want to work with, and then you refine the dream based on who you actually attract. They may not match the avatar you created.

For example, when I started Killer Kurves, my program for people with obesity, I didn’t have any specific age group in mind. But I eventually realized some two-thirds of our clients were over 50. Now my marketing message speaks directly to the overweight 55-year-old.

READ ALSO: How to Get More Personal Training Clients in Five Steps

3. Keep researching, and be prepared to pivot

It may seem like I’ve followed a clear straight path, but pivoting has kept my business alive.

I spend a lot of time and money staying on top of industry trends, attending conferences (I like IDEA), visiting websites like the PTDC, and reading industry magazines like Personal Fitness Professional. I also regularly connect with friends and mentors in the industry.

But the most important conversations I have are with my clients. In 2012, I was able to recognize that the bootcamp market was becoming saturated. Despite my growing mom empire, I knew it was time for a change.

That’s where another type of market research came in: talking to clients.

One client who’d lost 60 pounds with me said she wished we had a program for obese people. Just like that, Killer Kurves was born, a program available only to clients with a BMI of 30 or more. Classes are half exercise, half group discussion. And nearly all the trainers have lost 40 to 80 pounds.

A couple years later, I noticed a lot of younger clients asking about programs for their parents. At the time, I had a brick-and-mortar facility that sat empty for much of the workday. So I launched Fit Over 50, a program that targets seniors. Now I have retirees in the gym while most of my other clients are at work.

Today I target all three niches. I still help moms, but that business isn’t nearly as robust as it once was. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the other two.

One final word of caution: I don’t recommend adding new niches before mastering those you already have. You don’t have to stop with one, but that’s definitely where you should start.

READ ALSO: How to Build a Personal Training Marketing Plan

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  The post How to Find Your Target Market for Personal Training appeared first on The PTDC.

How to Find Your Target Market for Personal Training published first on https://onezeroonesarms.tumblr.com/

[buddyrabrahams]

5 NBA teams that need to make a move before the trade deadline

With all the memes and the merriment of All-Star Weekend 2017 now officially in the books (not to mention the universe-shattering Boogie Cousins blockbuster), Thursday’s NBA trade deadline looms overs us with an urgency befitting of the Jaws theme. These next few days have the potential to turn pretenders into contenders or contenders into Crying Jordans. So as short-term and long-term destinies hang delicately in the balance, it’s time to have a gander at the five teams most in need of a move before the clock strikes 3 PM Eastern Standard Time on February 23.

1. Oklahoma City Thunder

If the Oklahoma City Westbrooks are interested in a serious playoff push, they’re going to need more than No. 0 letting out a primal roar as he charges solo into battle every night like Bluto after giving the “Germans bombed Pearl Harbor” speech in Animal House.

While Victor Oladipo has proven to be a worthy vice president and Steven Adams has the mad game to go along with the mad ‘stache, the OKC bench has been quite the wasteland this season, especially since Enes Kanter assaulted a piece of furniture. Cameron Payne is still working his way back from foot surgery, Alex Abrines looks like Generic Euro Player No. 47 on NBA 2K, and I’m fairly certain that Kyle Singler’s basketball skills are fake news.

The numbers support the brutality as well.

Since the Kanter injury, the Thunder bench ranks 22nd in the league in points per game and dead last in field goal percentage. They’re also getting outscored by 9.1 points per 100 possessions over that span, which basically means it’s rest in peace every OKC lead whenever Westbrook sits. Would they benefit from acquiring a dynamite perimeter scorer (maybe this very available Laker?) to hold down the fort for the second unit until Kanter gets back? Perhaps. But we won’t know unless general manager Sam Hinkie picks up that dang phone.

2. Washington Wizards

So remember how I was harping on the Thunder bench just now? The Wizards bench makes them look like the freakin’ ’95-’96 Bulls.

29th in points per game, 29th in three-pointers made, 30th in rebounds per game, 30th in assists per game. All for THE ENTIRE SEASON. With those kinds of rankings, I wouldn’t be surprised if head coach Scott Brooks has been conditioned to develop acid reflux every time the substitution horn sounds.

The good news for the DC metropolitan is that the chronic turd laying of the Washington second unit hasn’t really mattered because of the Herculean performance of their starting five, a well-oiled machine chugging along on chemistry, continuity, defense, three-point shooting, unselfishness, and John Wall snatching dudes’ souls. It’s on the supernatural strength of that brigade that the Wizards find themselves at 34-21 on the year, third in the conference, and one of three Eastern teams with an increasingly real chance of pushing the Cleveland Cavaliers to brink of the flat earth.

Still, with one of those other teams, the Toronto Raptors, locking and loading with the acquisition of Serge Ibaka, the Wizards’ starting five, bless their hearts, likely won’t be able to lone wolf the trek to the top of the East. So unless the front office has accepted Ian Mahinmi’s return from injury as their lord and savior, it’s probably time to send in the reinforcements via trade.

3. Memphis Grizzlies

Certain necessary measures have to be taken to ensure the continued survival of Grit ‘N’ Grind in the modern NBA, and first-year head coach David Fizdale has already enacted most of them. From utilizing Zach Randolph’s old-man-at-the-YMCA game as his go-to weapon off the bench to convincing Marc Gasol that chicks do, in fact, dig the three-ball, Fizdale has helped the once-fading Grizzlies to a 34-24 record and the No. 6 spot out West.

But Memphis’ wing scoring is still Death Valley incarnate (in large part due to Chandler Parsons’ season sinking faster than the Titanic), and they currently own a bottom-five offense in terms of points per game and a bottom-one offense (translation: they’re last, bruh!) in terms of field goal percentage.

Holding onto the sixth playoff seed would coincidentally give the Grizzlies a first-round date with the Tommy Gun offense of the Houston Rockets.

If Memphis is looking for a way to better counter that firepower (as they probably should be), the Atlanta Hawks have somebody to offer as do the Brooklyn Nets and several others. Just please, for the love of God Shammgod, make something happen, because I’m sure as heck not watching Troy Daniels and a fossilized Vince Carter jack up threes for the rest of the season.

4. Boston Celtics

By now, we know that Isaiah Thomas is a 5-foot-9 Molotov cocktail rigged to detonate every single fourth quarter. But with the Cavs looking more vulnerable than ever, can the second-place C’s afford to stand pat through another deadline? They don’t have very much spot-up shooting with Avery Bradley banged up, 37 different guys on the roster are tussling for backup minutes, and marquee offseason addition Al Horford couldn’t get a rebound if he was standing outside of a divorce lawyer’s office.

For many years now, the Celtics have been basketball Xanadu for irrational Trade Machine fantasies and Internet message board scuttlebutt thanks to the fact that they’re home to the NBA’s greatest Treasure Island of movable assets, young talents and high lottery selections alike. But deadline after deadline, GM Danny Ainge sits on his hands and simply allows all those assets to grow moldy. Well, don’t you think it’s high time for him to bring out the Clorox and make a splash, be it a Jimmy Buckets-sized one, a PG-13 rated one, or otherwise? Gotta pick the fruit when it’s ripe or else it goes bad, Danny Boy.

5. Cleveland Cavaliers

If you take a look at the Krabby Patty secret formula for repeating as NBA champions in the modern era, one of the most vital ingredients is an upgraded supporting cast. The ’90s Rockets needed to bring in Clyde Drexler, the late 2000s Lakers needed The Artist Formerly Known As Ron Artest, and the Big Three Miami Heat needed Ray Allen and Chris “Birdman” Andersen.

But the Cavs have zigged where former defending champs have zagged in that their roster this year is unquestionably worse than the one that won them the title last June. They lost Matthew Dellavedova and Timofey Mozgov for nothing, Kevin Love and J.R. Smith are currently in the midst of extended absences, and their big offseason signing was the very same Chris “Birdman” Andersen but a 38-year-old version of him with an ACL that was ready to go.

Now not all of that is Cleveland’s fault per se, and the January acquisition of Kyle Korver was definitely worth an ovation or two. But at what point do all those three-point shooters become redundant? Is it time for the Cavs to start pursuing upgrades in greater areas of deficiency on the roster? But will their luxury tax hell and their dried-up well of trade chips even make such an upgrade possible? And when will LeBron James finally present the rose to his preferred playmaker of choice? Let the deadline party begin.

*Stats courtesy of NBA.com*

from Larry Brown Sports http://ift.tt/2m6uell

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior Jan. 17, 2020 - WEATHERING WITH YOU, BAD BOYS FOR LIFE, DOLITTLE

Only the second column of the year, and I’m already questioning how long I’m going to keep writing this. In case you haven’t heard, I’m no longer writing for The Beat. I don’t really want to talk about it, but it was generally a horrible experience that I put up with since I needed the work/money. It turns out that someone I thought I knew, someone I respected and considered a friend for almost a quarter of a century, turned out to be a truly awful person. That’s really all I’m going to say... for now. (The Beat decided not to run my final Box Office Preview, so that’s incorporated within, as well.)

The good news is that Makoto Shinkai’s latest animated film, WEATHERING WITH YOU (GKIDS), will hit U.S. theaters this Friday after a few “fan previews” on Weds and Thursday night. If you don’t know the name of that Japanese animation filmmaker then you clearly didn’t see the fantastic sci-fi film Your Name, which was an absolutely enormous hit, grossing $354 million worldwide, most of that in Japan, China and South Korea in 2016. That movie eventually opened in North America in 2017 and made another $5 million, but it’s probably one of my favorite animated films. (Your Name will be playing again at the Metrograph starting February 7 if you haven’t seen it.)

But back to Weathering with You, which is another wonderful film from Makoto-san, this one about a high school senior named Hodaka who runs off to Tokyo and runs into financial problems in the gloomy city (boy, can I relate) until he meets Hina, an optimistic girl who has the ability to stop the rain and clear the clouds, something that they turn into a thriving business. It’s a simpler premise than Your Name for sure, but it’s still steeped in magic and fantasy that really makes it a very special film.

You can get tickets for Weathering with You here.

BAD BOYS FOR LIFE (Sony)

Cast: Will Smith, Martin Lawrence, Alexander Ludwig, Joe Pantoliano, Paola Nuñez, Kate Del Castilo, DJ Khaled Directed By: Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah (Black, Gangsta, Image) MPAA Rating: R

Oddly, it took three whole weeks to get our first sequel of 2020 – that is, if you don’t count The Grudge, which actually is a sequel. I guess that would make Bad Boys for Life the first sequel that people actually may want to see, because it reunites Will Smith and Martin Lawrence, the stars of two very popular buddy cop movies a nd two of the biggest stars of the ‘90s.

The first Bad Boys came out in 1995 when both guys were pretty big TV stars, Lawrence on Fox show Martin and Smith from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Oddly, Lawrence already had quite a bit of film success from the “House Party” movies and Eddie Murphy’s Boomerang when he was paired with Smith.When the original Bad Boys opened with $15.5 million and grossed $65.6 million, that was considered pretty good for the time, especially for first-time director Michael Bay. That’s right. Bad Boyswas also Bay’s debut.

Ever since then, things have gotten crazy, especially for Smith, who starred in Roland Emmerich’s blockbuster Independence Day just one year later, the first Men in Black the year after that, and the rest is history. Lawrence went on to a couple big movies of his own, including the copycat Blue Streak, but other than 2000’s Big Momma’s Houseand its sequel six years later, he just didn’t have much draw when he tried other things. 2011’s Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son made about half what its predecessor made (about $38) million and then Lawrence vanished for a while.

Smith and Lawrence reunited for 2003’s Bad Boys II, again with Bay, who was also a much bigger director by then (and that was even before the “Transformers” movies) and that opened with $46.6 million and grossed $138.5 million domestically, showing how much bigger both stars had become.

That brings us to Bad Boys for Life, the third movie that may or may not have quite the same audience as the last movie. Little-known Belgian directors Adil El Arbi and Bilall Fallah take over from Michael Bay for this threequel, and oddly, it’s Smith’s fourth movie in the past year after the disappointing showing for Ang Lee’s Gemini Man and the animated Spies in Disguise over the holidays. On the other hand, Smith also had a huge hit last summer with Disney’s Aladdin,and that seemed to be enough to appease his fans who had gotten used to him doing one movie a year.

In some ways, Bad Boys for Life might feel a little like Men in Black 3, which Sony Pictures released in the summer of 2012, just nine years after the previous movie’s $190 million. While it didn’t seem like a necessary sequel, the third Men in Blackstill made only a little bit less. Obviously, nine years wasn’t enough to sour anyone on Smith’s character, although that movie also was now eight years ago, and we’re coming off a year of a ton of disappointing sequels.

Oddly, the MLK Jr. weekend has become a prime weekend for buddy cop movies, two of them seemingly inspired by the “Bad Boys” movies, as Ice Cube and Kevin Hart teamed up for Ride Along and its sequel. Both of them opened this weekend, the original six years ago to $48.6 million over the four-day weekend, and its sequel two years later made $41 million over the extended weekend.

That would seem like a pretty good barometer for Bad Boys for Life, if not for the fact that it’s a sequel to a movie that came out 16 years ago with a much hotter blockbuster director. Will audiences who were 18, 19, 20 when Bad Boys 2come out be anywhere near as interested in Smith and Lawrence’s shenanigans now that they’re well into their 30s?

Reportedly, Bad Boys for Life cost $90 million, although it’s doubtful that Sony expects the movie to make all of that money domestically. Bad Boys II made almost the exact same amount overseas than in North America, although the international market has exploded in the 15 years since then.

Reviews will probably hit around the same time that this column goes live or maybe slightly earlier, so it might be hard to tell if there’s a consensus either for or (more likely) against it. (It’s a sequel being released in January. Do you REALLY think that critics are gonna give it a fair shake?)

That just leaves the question of how well Bad Boys for Life might do, considering that Bay isn’t involved and Lawrence hasn’t been in the public eye very much. I think Smith’s ongoing popularity and the number fans of the previous movies should help the movie make close to $40 million over the four-day weekend, give or take. It certainly will offer something new for the key 20-to-40 year old males that already saw 1917.

DOLITTLE (Universal)

Cast: Robert Downey Jr., Ralph Ineson, Michael Sheen, Antonio Banderas, Carmel Laniado, Jim Broadbent, Jessie Buckley with the voices of Emma Thompson, Rami Malek, John Cena, Craig Robinson, Kumail Nanjiani, Octavia Spencer, Ralph Fiennes, Selena Gomez and more Directed By: Stephen Gaghan (Syriana, Gold) MPAA Rating: PG

Next, we have a slightly oddball of a first new family film for the year, as well as Robert Downey Jr’s first non-Marvel movie in a very long time, playing the classic kids book hero Doctor Dolittle, a doctor who can talk to animals. The children’s books by Hugh Lofting originated all the way back in 1920, and it was only eight years later before it was adapted into a silent animated short film. Probably the most famous movie (at least for 30 years) was the 1967 version of the movie starring Rex Harrison, but Eddie Murphy took on the role in 1998 for two hit movies released by 20th Century Fox (so maybe we’ll see them on Disney+ soon?).

Which might make you wonder how Universal got its hands on the property and why the studio isn’t making it a bigger deal about 2020 being the 100thanniversary of the character? Well, kids, it’s something called “public domain,” which allows anyone who wants to make a movie based on the character to do so. In this case, it’s Oscar-nominated filmmaker Stephen Gaghan, best known for his political thriller, Syriana, which got George Clooney his first Oscar. Obviously, a family-friendly fantasy adventure seems like an odd choice, but obviously, this is a real movie.

The story involves Dolittle being called to save Queen Victoria (played by the wonderful Jessie Buckley, star of Wild Rose) who is dying. Dolittle brings along a young lad named Stubbins (Harry Collett from Dunkirk) as well as a slew of animals voiced by a menagerie of actors. We’ll get back to them in a bit.

Obviously, Downey’s presence will probably play a larger part in anyone’s interest in the movie, since I’m not sure Doctor Dolittle has been able to maintain any sort of place in the pantheon of popular children’s book characters among younger readers. (I could be wrong.)  This movie is co-produced by Joe Roth, who helped pave the way for big stars to take on popular fantasy characters, putting Johnny Depp in one of Disney’s bigger pre-Marvel/Lucasfilm hits, Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland, James Franco in Sam Raimi’s Oz the Great and Powerful, and Angelina Jolie in Maleficent. Universal (who previously teamed with Roth for Snow White and the Huntsmanin 2012 and its less successful sequel) are hoping that Downey can bring a similar starpower to Dolittleto get people into theaters.

The last time Downey took on a non-Marvel literary character was his eponymous turn as Sherlock Holmes in the movie directed by Guy Ritchie just over ten years ago. That made a half a billion worldwide, and its sequel two years later did similar business. Other than a starring role in Todd Phillips’ Due Date and the passion project The Judge with Robert Duvall, Downey hasn’t done much outside the MCU. But why should he? Apparently, he is getting somewhere around $50 million to make each of those movies, and for most people, that’s early retirement money, especially after wrapping up the role inAvengers: Endgame, the highest-grossing blockbuster of all time (globally). And yet, we’ll supposedly be seeing Downey’s Tony Stark in this year’s Black Widow, probably in flashback, so he’s clearly not putting the rest of his career in the hands of playing Doctor Dolittle.

The rest of the cast might not be as important but the movie does star the popular actor Michael Sheen (Good Omens), Antonio Banderas (who just received his first Oscar nomination earlier this week) and then the voices include a strange mix of British and American actors, includingEmma Thompson, Rami Malek, John Cena, Craig Robinson,Kumail Nanjiani, Octavia Spencer, Ralph Fiennes, Selena Gomez and more. It’s kind of a shame they couldn’t find a role for Kevin Bacon, as it would make that “Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon” game so much easier.

Family movies have generally been tough to predict, especially ones that may or may not interest teen and/or older audiences, which is certainly the case here. Opening Dolittle on a weekend with no school on Monday is a wise move by Universal, as well as doing so in January where there isn’t as much competition for eyes. More than anything, Dolittle will be a very good (and possibly sobering) test on whether Downey is a box office star when not playing Tony Stark… or Sherlock Holmes.

The movie has not caught the attention or interest of the ever-outraged #FilmTwitter, except to make fun of it, but that doesn’t mean younger kids won’t want to see a fun adventure with talking animals, and the latter should help Dolittle make somewhere between $25 and $28 million over the four-day weekend.

This Week’s Box Office Predictions:  

Despite the impressive opening for Sam Mendes’ 1917 last weekend and its ten Oscar nominations, it’s very likely that either Bad Boys for Life or Dolittle (or both) will knock it out of first place this weekend. It definitely could be a close race for second place, depending on how well the latest movies from superstars Will Smith and Robert Downey are received. Expect Greta Gerwig’s Little Women to also get a nice bump from its own Best Picture nomination this weekend.

(Note: All the numbers below are for the four-day holiday weekend.)

Bad Boys for Life (Sony) - $42.5 million N/A (up $4 million)*

1917 (Universal) - $29.5 million -20%

Dolittle (Universal) - $23.5 million N/A (down $3.5 million)*

Jumanji: The Next Level (Sony) - $12 million -15%

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker (Lucasfilm/Disney) - $9.5 million -38%

Just Mercy (Warner Bros.) - $9 million -7%

Like a Boss (Paramount) - $7.5 -25%

Little Women (Sony) - $6.6 million -15%

Knives Out (Lionsgate) - $4.6 million -18%

Frozen II  (Disney) - $4.5 million -24%

*UPDATE: Okay, my earlier predictions may have been a little unrealistic and it’s pretty clear that Bad Boys for Life, which has gotten decent reviews, will  do significantly better than Dolittle, despite there not being much family competition. I’m adjusting accordingly.

LIMITED RELEASES

Besides Weathering with You, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon’s kid (well, he’s 30) Jack Henry Robbins’ movie VHYES (Oscilloscope) will be out in select theaters and presumably VOD sometime soon. It’s a fairly odd movie made up of bits recorded on a VHS camera meant to look like it was recorded off various television stations by a teen, which includes bits of “late night adult television.”  It’s pretty amusing more for appearances by the likes of Kerri Kenney and Thomas Lennon from “Reno 911,” Mark Proksh from “What We Do in the Shadows,” Charlyne Yi and more. It will open in select theaters Friday, including the Alamo Drafthouse in Brooklyn.  It has some funny moments but it’s a little disjointed; I’m sure it would be great in an environment that involves drinking.

Also on the genre side of things is Gille Klabin’s directorial debut The Wave (Epic Pictures), starring Justin Long and Donald Faison, a weird movie in which Long plays an insurance lawyer who goes out on the town with his co-worker (Faison) but then gets dosed with a hallucinogen.  It will open in select cities and On Demand Friday.

Alex (Taxi to the Dark Side) Gibney’s latest doc Citizen K (Greenwich) will open at the Film Forum on Wednesday, this one looking at Mikhail Khodorkovsky, the wealthiest man in Russia who was valued at $15 billion from his Siberian oil before being thrown into jail by Putin. I haven’t seen the movie, but it recently received a nomination from the Writers Guild (WGA).

A couple mostly VOD horror films out on Friday are Pedro C. Alonso’s horror/thriller Feedback (Blue Fox Entertainment), starring Eddie Marsan, Paul Anderson and Ivana Baquero (Pan’s Labyrinth) and Andy Newberry’s The Host (Vertical Entertainment), starring Maryam Hassouni, Mike Beckingham, and Dougie Poynter.

REPERTORY

Before we get to the regular stuff, if you happen to have some free time on Saturday, like the whole day, you should get down to the Anthology Film Archives for Subway Cinema’s latest all-day marathon, “It’s the Nineties, Stupid!” a collection of six rare and probably very weird films from the ‘90s shown on 35mm. These events are always a lot of fun, and there may still be some tickets left if you act quickly.

METROGRAPH (NYC):

Welcome To Metrograph: Reduxcontinues this weekend with Seizun Suzuki’s Branded to Kill (1967) and Edward Yang’s A Brighter Summer Day (1991). I personally haven’t seen either but might give one or more a try.This weekend’s Late Nites at Metrograph is Paul Schrader’s 1985 movie Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters, a movie I’m not really familiar but apparently, it stars Ken Ogata as Japanese artist Yukio Mishima, who committed seppuku. This weekend’s Playtime: Family Matinees is the classic sci-fi film Them!(1954).

ALAMO DRAFTHOUSE BROOKLYN (NYC)

Next Monday’s “Fist City” screening is Wesley Snipe’s Passenger 57 (1992), the “Terror Tuesday” is Adam Wingard’s 2014 movie The Guest, starring Dan Stevens, with Wingard in person for a QnA, and then next week’s “Weird Wednesday,” January 22, is the 1990 film Brain Dead, starring Bills Paxton and Pullman, hosted by YOURS TRULY!! Yes, I’m making my Alamo debut with a movie from the ‘90s I absolutely loved.

THE NEW BEVERLY (L.A.):

Today’s “Afternoon Classics” matinee is John Huston’s The African Queen (1951), while Friday’s “Freaky Fridays” is the 1985 horror film, Silver Bullet. Friday night’s midnight offering is Tarantino’s Django Unchained while Saturday’s midnight movie is Scorsese’s Raging Bull, celebrating its 40th anniversary this year. The weekend “Kiddee Matinee” is Miyazaki’s Kiki’s Delivery Service (1989).

FILM FORUM (NYC):

The West Village theater begins an expansive new series called “Black Women: Trailblazing African American Actresses 1920-2001” on Friday, and it’s fairly self-explanatory except that there are a lot of films that have rarely been seen in recent years, such as Otto Preminger’s 1954 film Carmen Jones, starring Dorothy Dandridge; Vincente Minelli’s 1943 film Cabin in the Sky with Ethel Waters and Lena Horne, and even Pam Grier as Coffy in Jack Hill’s 1973 film. This is going to be a very special series, one unlike anything else that’s been done on the New York rep scene, and I wish I could afford to check some of these movies out. As part of the series, “Film Forum Jr.” will play the 1972 movie Sounder, for which Cicely Tyson received an Oscar nomination.

EGYPTIAN THEATRE (LA):

On Friday, Beyond Fest presents a 35mm print of the 1993 movie Freaked with directors Alex Winter and Tom Stern and most of the cast and many of the crew in attendance. Hosted by my pal, Drew McWeeney! On Saturday, there’s a matinee of Disney’s 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea (1954) and then that night is a double feature of Marlon Brando’s One Eyed Jacks  (1961) and Peter Fonda’s The Hired Hand (1971). Sunday Print Edition is a matinee of 1945’s Hangover Square, then later on Sunday is the first Sean Connery Bond film, Doctor No (1962). Sunday night is a screening of Hitchcock’s Rear Window (1954).

AERO  (LA):

On Weds. night, Greg Proops is presenting the hilarious Barbara Streisand-Ryan O’Neal comedy What’s Up, Doc? (1972) as part of his monthly film club. On Thursday the 16th, the Aero is showing Raging Bull in a matinee as part of its “Films of Marty and Bob,” then Friday is the 15thannual Focus on Female Directors, a mix of older and newer movies including the recently nominated short, Kitbull. Saturday begins “A Tribute to Noah Baumbach” with a double feature on Saturday night of Frances Haand Mistress America, his two collaborations with Greta Gerwig. Sunday is a double feature of his earlier films The Squid and the Whale and Kicking and Screaming. Tuesday’s offering in “The Films of Marty and Bob” is the classic King of Comedy, one of my favorite collaborations between the duo.

QUAD CINEMA (NYC):

On Friday, the Quad begins the series “Origin Stories: Bertrand Bonello’s Footnotes to Zombi Child” aka Bonello’s new movie, which opens next Friday. This series will include lots of genre films  that influenced the film,including Carpenter’s The Serpent and the Rainbow, De Palma’s Carrie, The Exorcist: Extended Director’s Cut, I Walked with a Zombie and the Aussie classic, Picnic at Hanging Rock (also a director’s cut).

MOMA  (NYC):

This week’s Modern Matinees: Jack Lemmonare Billy Wilder’s Oscar-winning The Apartment (1960) with Shirley MacLaine, the 1955 film Mister Roberts Thursday, and Costa-Gravas’ 1982 film Missing on Friday. Also, the International Teen Cinema series Show Me Love continues through Sunday. (You can click on the link to see what’s playing.) Another series, To Save and Project, the 17thMOMA International Festival of Film Preservation will run through the weekend and next week with some interesting choices like Roger Corman’s The Masque of the Red Death (1964) and Mystery of the Wax Museum from 1933.

FILM AT LINCOLN CENTER (NYC):

Although most of the screens here will be taken up by the 2020 New York Jewish Film Festival (see below), but FilmLinc is also getting a head start on its annual “Film Comment Selects”  with the New York premiere of Jeffrey Peixoto’s Over the Rainbow and a 35mm screening of Darren Aronofksy’s controversial 2017 film mother!, starring Jennifer Lawrence. Okay, neither are that old but still sort of repertory.

IFC CENTER (NYC)

“The Films of Studio Ghibli” ends on Thursday, so it might be your last chance to see many of these films theatrically before they move to HBO Max later this year. Otherwise, it’s most of the same movies screening at midnight: David Lynch’s Eraserhead and Mulholland Drive, as well as James Cameron’s The Terminator. Ah! Looks like the IFC Center added its new winter repertory series after I wrote this week’s column.  Weekend Classics: Luis Buñuel will screen the filmmaker’s 1972 film The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoise, The Terminator (1984) is screening as part of Waverly Midnights: Hindsight is 2020s, and  Late Night Favorites: Winter 2020 is Kubrick’s The Shining (1980) but ALSO Prince’s 1984 classic, Purple Rain. 

MUSEUM OF THE MOVING IMAGE (NYC):

As part of the exhibition “Envisioning 2001: Stanley Kubrick’s Space Odysey,” MOMI will have a screening of Stanley Kubrick’s film on Saturday afternoon with actor Dan Richter appearing in person. (For $25, you can get access to the exhibition after the screening.)

ROXY CINEMA (NYC)

The love for Nicolas Cage continues as the Roxy will screen Brian De Palma’s Snake Eyes (1998) on Wednesday and Saturday, and Joel Schumacher’s 1999 film 8mm on Thursday.

LANDMARK THEATRES NUART  (LA):

This Friday’s midnight offering is Pink Floyd’s The Wall (1982) by filmmaker Alan Parker.

FILM FESTIVALS

Going back to Film at Lincoln Center’s 29thAnnual New York Jewish Film Festival – which I oddly have NEVER attended  (mainly since I don’t have an outlet to write about it) – it begins on Wednesday with the New York premiere of the doc Picture of his Life, about underwater photographer Amos Nachoum.  It will run through the end of the month, closing on Jan. 28 with the New York premiere of Dror Zahavi’s Crescendo about a world-famous conductor, and the Centerpiece selection is Marceline Loridan-Ivens’ 2003 film The Birch Tree Meadow. I’m not really sure why I haven’t gotten to more of the films in this festival, but it’s mainly because it offers so much, and I never know what’s good or bad and what’s worth my time, which is kind of a shame.

STREAMING AND CABLE

Okay, it’s a little funny that media mogul Tyler Perry is making his transition to Netflix with a film called TYLER PERRY’S A FALL FROM GRACE on Friday, and unlike most of Perry’s movies, I was invited to a press screening, which I sadly couldn’t make since I have to see Bad Boys for Life. It’s about a young woman named Grace (Crystal Fox) who confesses to killing her husband so her lawyer needs to learn the truth.

I also haven’t been able to watch the Viola Davis-McKenna Grace dramedy Troop Zero from filmmakers named “Bert & Bertie” but it will premiere on Amazon Prime this Friday. It also stars Oscar-winner Allison Janney and Jim Gaffigan, but it takes place in 1977 Georgia where a young girl (Grace) dreams of going to space by being recorded on NASA’s Golden Record.

Next week, we get The Gentlemen (STXfilms), the latest ensemble crime movie from Guy Ritchie, which I’m really excited about, and the horror/thriller The Turning (Universal). Again, I’m not really sure if I’m going to be writing anything more after this.

[weekendwarriorblog]

The Weekend Warrior 6/11/21 - IN THE HEIGHTS, PETER RABBIT: THE RUNAWAY, INFINITE, UNDINE, HOLLER and More

This is going to be a tough week to deliver a full column just because I’ve been so insanely busy doing other things for my real job. More on that below, but first, I totally screwed up last week. I totally left out a movie I had been looking forward to, without realizing it was released last Friday, since I didn’t have it on my release list. I ended up inadvertantly leaving it completely out of my column. Bad Ed. (This week's column is brought to you by Ian McNabb's new album "Utopian" -- a fantastic new extra-length offering from the former Icicle Works frontman -- that just means that I was listening to it while writing this week's column. No $$$ was exchanged.)

That movie I missed last week was UNDINE (IFC Films), the new film from German filmmaker Christian Petzold, who has made some fantastic films, including Phoenix and Barbara. It reunites Petzold with the stars of his last movie, Transit, Paula Beer and Franz Rogowski. It’s a fairly bizarre film that plays around with myths about water nymphs, but it takes some time before you realize that’s what it’s about since it follows Beer’s Undine, as one of her relationships ends and another begins with an underwater diver. After winning the FIPRESCI Prize and the Silver Bear for Ms. Beer at the 70th Berlin International Film Festival, it’s now playing in select theaters, including the IFC Center and Film at LIncoln Center as well as on digital and VOD platforms.

The film starts with a conversation between a man and a woman, Undine and Johannes, the latter who is breaking up with the former. From there, we watch a rather strange relationship build between Undine and a diver who she meets when a fish tank explodes all over them in a coffee shop. Yeah, it’s one of those kinds of movies. But Undine is one of Petzold’s more romantic films even if it takes an artier and dreamlike approach to show this romance unfold, and then it just gets weirder and weirder and more enigmatic. Water is definitely a recurring theme in what I could only really call a female power fantasy, but you know what? We’ve seen so many male power fantasies, it’s kind of nice seeing this sort of thing from a female viewpoint, and Beer is quite amazing -- well worthy of the accolades she’s been receiving. Undine is a fine addition to Poltzold’s growing filmography, although it didn’t hit me quite like Phoenix did, and I’m not sure I’d race out to see it a second time.

Before we get to this week’s new wide releases, this week also begins the 20th Anniversary Tribeca Festival -- note the absence of the word "Film" -- which as luck would have it opens on Wednesday with the World Premiere of the biggest and widest release of the weekend, the Jon M. Chu-directed musical, IN THE HEIGHTS (Warner Bros.)! I really haven’t seen much from it yet, so I have very little to say at this time. Hopefully, I’ll have time to watch more over the next week and a half.

In case you haven’t heard, In the Heights is based on the Lin-Manuel Miranda musical that preceded Hamilton, and it focuses on the Washington Heights area of NYC, primarily the LatinX community that has lived and thrived there but is dealing with things like gentrification destroying it. The movie stars Anthony Ramos (from Hamilton and A Star is Born) playing Usnavy, a bodega shop owner who dreams of returning to the Dominican Republic and reopening his father’s snack bar. He also has eyes on the beautiful Vanessa (Melissa Barrera), who wants to move downtown and get into fashion. Meanwhile, Nina (Leslie Grace) has returned to the neighborhood from college and she reunites with her ex Benny (Corey Hawkins) and that relationship is rekindled. Nina’s father (Jimmy Smits) is a big shot in the neighborhood, running the car service, but he’s been selling it off to pay for Nina’s school.

I already reviewed the movie here, but reviews are generally great with 96% on Rotten Tomatoes, and people have been chomping at the bit for this movie to be released after it was delayed nearly a year from 2020 due to COVID. Although Lin-Manuel Miranda only has a small role in the movie, he’s probably going to be the film’s biggest selling point, especially considering how many people watched Hamilton when it was released on Disney+ last summer -- that, too, was originally intended for a theatrical release.

For director Jon M. Chu, this is his first feature film since Crazy Rich Asians, which was a huge box office hit, but it also had a similar cultural impact of what is expected from In the Heights. It opened with $26.5 million in 3,384 theaters in August, 2018, but then it had massive legs over the course of the summer to gross $174.5 million total. While it didn’t end up getting the awards love many expected, it did help to make the likes of Constance Wu, Akwafina, and Henry Golding bigger stars, as well as boosting the careers of Gemma Chan, Jimmy O. Yang and other Asian-American actors. One can presume that In the Heights will do the same for Ramos and a few others, although it’s still too early to see if it will have legs when it’s so easy to rewatch on HBO Max.

The movie is one of the summer’s big buzz movies that should continue to bring people back to theaters with the positive reviews leading to inevitable positive word-of-mouth among a moviegoing audience that for a long time brought a ton of business into theaters.

I feel like In the Heights could make a play for $30 million this weekend even with the knowledge that it’s also playing on HBO Max. It just seems like a lot of people are going to want to see this in a theater with other people, and frankly, it’s been so hot outside, especially in New York, that it’s going to be a great option to see in theaters in order to get some much-needed air conditioning, if nothing else. But expect it to do well enough among audiences to have some significant legs, although I’m a little hesitant at calling it to make $100 million even with restrictions being reduced and more theaters opening every weekend. I’d love to see it happen but for now, I’ll stick with around $80 million for its domestic gross.

Also opening wide this week is the family sequel, PETER RABBIT 2: THE RUNAWAY (Sony Pictures), which has also been delayed a number of times since COVID hit. Once again directed by Will Gluck (Easy A), the sequel had a plum Easter release last year or maybe that was this year. Honestly, I don’t remember. In the sequel, Beatrix Potter’s popular literary character Peter Rabbit (voiced by James Corden) has to contend with the couple from the first movie, played by Rose Byrne and Domhnall Gleeson, are getting married, and Peter’s feeling a bit put-out, because he’s considered the “troublemaker” among the bunny family of Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail and Benjamin (voiced by Margot Robbie, Elizabeth Debicki, Aimee Horne and Colin Moody). He ends up running away (duh) and getting in with a group of London animal crooks, including the rabbit Barnabas (voiced by Lennie James from Fear the Walking Dead), who may have been friends with Peter’s father.

I only first watched the first Peter Rabbit movie, originally released on February 9, 2018, earlier this week before watching the sequel, and honestly, that first movie was much better than I expected and better than it should have been, and I probably could say the same for the sequel. I generally love Rose Byrne, and oddly, I like James Corden voicing Peter Rabbit more than I have other things he’s done. Maybe it’s just that Beatrix Potter’s character works even when put into a modern setting where Byrne seems to be playing a version of Potter who ends up getting a big publishing deal with David Oyelowo (another actor I like) playing the publishing big wig who wants Bea to change things. It’s just as funny seeing Peter fighting with Gleeson’s McGregor for the film’s physical humor to help sustain a second movie.

Actually, I kind of liked that Gluck’s movie is kind of wholesome rarely going for the easy laughs or things we’ve seen in far too many animated movies (slow-motion and bathroom humor, for instance), and also having jokes that only the parents will laugh at. The film is also quite a technical marvel because mixing CG characters with live action ones is something that rarely turns out well (see Sony’s Smurfs movies, for instance) but CG production house Animal Logic, who also did Happy Feet and The LEGO Movie, really now how to give these furry, cuddly creatures real physical attributes that makes even cynical adults like myself completely believe in them.

Let’s get to some box office thoughts. The original Peter Rabbit movie opened with $25 million, which is pretty good for a family film from the before times. More importantly, it made $115 million in domestic theaters as it lasted through the summer, which shows that kids and families really loved Corden’s take on the popular children’s book character. Even though these are different times, and we are not seeing that many movies opening with more than $25 million, the success of the first movie means that kids will probably not be too old to want to see Peter Rabbit’s new adventures.

I think this one can probably open with $14 to 16 million when you realize there isn’t very much competition for family audiences, at least nothing PG, because even DIsney’s Raya and the Last Dragon is now on DIsney+. (Okay, there's also Spirit Untamed, but that proved to be quite a non-starter, and this seems like an easier sell to a wider group of kids and even adults.) That and the fact that Peter Rabbit 2 isn’t simultaneously on streaming should give it a strong play for second place this weekend, and don’t be surprised if it has similar legs to make $60 million plus just in theaters alone.

Also being released fairly wide is the Deon Taylor-directed horror comedy sequel, THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR: MEET THE BLACKS 2 (Lionsgate), which probably wasn’t screened for critics in advance. I’m not quite sure how wide Lionsgate is planning to go with this, but the original movie opened in over 1,000 theaters in April 2016 and made $4 million its opening weekend and $9 million total. One can assume that the first movie was popular enough to create an audience for the second movie that hasn’t really had what we used to call an “urban comedy” in quite some time, particularly since Paramount’s Coming 2 America ended up streaming on Amazon. Since audiences are generally trying to get back out to theaters, it’s safe to assume that the audience for this kind of comedy feels the same. I probably could see this opening with around $3 million, but it’s hard to say without having a definite theater count. I’ve become quite a big fan of Taylor in the years since the first movie, so I might even venture out to see this if I have the time.

Directed by Antoine Fuqua and starring Mark Wahlberg, the sci-fi action movie INFINITE (Paramount+) was supposed to get a theatrical release but is instead being dumped to Paramount+, and sadly, dumped is the operative word here, because it pains me to say that the duo behind Shooter and other cool movies I’ve enjoyed have made a very, very, very, very, very bad movie.

The fairly ridiculous premise -- which to be fair is based on a book called “The Reincarnationist Papers” by D. Eric Maikranz -- involves a cadre of people known as Infinites who can remember everything from their past lives. There are “good Infinites” called Believers, and “bad Infinites” called Nihilists who are sick of living through their pasts so they just want to make the whole world burn.

Wahlberg plays Evan McCauley, a good “Infinite” even though he only remembers part of things from the past, and he’s thought to be the reincarnation of one of the Believers’ leaders named “Heinrich Treadway,” who we see die in a car chase through Mexico City in the film’s opening. Treadaway’s mortal enemy is Bathurst, played by Chiewetel Ejiofor, who wouldn’t mind finding and killing Treadaway first because he has an “Egg” with great power that can help end the world.

Okay, the premise could definitely be interesting, despite being an obvious Highlander rip-off, but unfortunately, it becomes very obvious that a movie like this constantly needs to explain to the viewer why this premise is “so cool,” and whenever anyone does try to explain anything, it just sounds incredibly stupid. We’ve seen so many sci-fi action movies like this one, and frankly, I was a little surprised that this one didn’t star Bruce Willis, because it definitely seemed like his thing. (Anyone remember Surrogates? That movie’s director, Jonathan Mostow, is STILL in directors’ jail!!) But more importantly, it reminds me of a much better version of the same idea that was just released, called The Old Guard, which … what the fuck?!? … also starred Chiwetel Ejiofor!! (At least in that one, he doesn't have a ridiculous accent and isn't chewing up every single bit of scenery.)

Yeah, it’s hard to forget that you’re watching an inferior version of The Old Guard when Ejiofor is RIGHT THERE, but this one combines a lame attempt at world-building with some surprisingly decent action scenes, but it’s also hard not to think that Fuqua -- and I say this as one of the director’s biggest fans -- was trying to do his own version of The Matrix. But any opportunity to do something cool in the action realm is destroyed as soon as we get more “splaining” about this world, a lot of it done by Jason Mantzoukas as the Artisan, a mad surgeon who also explains things in a confusing way that it never helps. He’s also the film’s only attempt at humor, and he’s done far better in other things. The film’s only real female character, Sophie Cookson’s Norah, is so bland and generic that you quickly forget what she’s bringing to the movie, if anything. (As you watch the movie, you realize how smart it was for Chris Evans to get out while the gettin' was good.)

By the time it gets to the final climax, we get a somewhat decent final battle on an airplane between Treadway and Bathurst, but by then it’s too late. We get some horrible narration before the movie ends with a set-up for a possible sequel will not make ANYONE (particularly critics) happy if that sequel does indeed happen.

Infinite makes it obvious that remembering one’s past lives could only be made much worse by having watched this movie in one of them. This is horrendously bad, awful crap.

A big release on the streaming series side of things is Marvel Studios’ LOKI (Disney+), the first episode of which is on the streamer now. I’ve actually seen the first two episodes and they’re interesting. Essentially, Loki has been captured by the Time Variance Authority (TVA), an organization that exists outside time and is charged with making sure that variant timelines and people aren’t created by things like Loki’s stunt in Avengers: Endgame where he got out of the Avengers’ grip using the tesseract, essentially changing his own timeline. I watched the first two episodes and thought they were pretty good but not the OMG THIS IS THE GREATEST THING EVER!!! that everything Marvel does seems to get from the rubes calling themselves “film critics.” I liked seeing Hiddleton returning as the characters, because he’s quite good as Loki, although Owen Wilson (as TVA agent Mobius) basically seems to be playing himself and not really doing anything particularly memorable. Because of that, Loki comes off as a buddy comedy with a lot of conversations between Loki and Owen Wilson, so if that’s your thing, then maybe you’ll like Loki, but maybe it’ll also get better over the next few episodes as WandaVision did. (I mean, one thing I can say as a positive is that the Marvel Studios/Disney+ series have been much more watchable than the Netflix/Marvel series, because I didn’t get through a single one of those.)

Chris Appelhans’ animated WISH DRAGON (Netflix) was originally going to be released by Sony Pictures since it was produced by Sony Pictures Animation as a Chinese co-production, but for whatever reason, it’s now going to be on Netflix. I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet but hope to get to it soon.

Also now on Netflix is Mark Raso’s thriller AWAKE, starring Gina Rodriguez as Jill, a former soldier in a world that’s been hit by a catastrophe that wipes out all electronics and eliminates humanity’s ability to sleep. Jill realizes that her daughter may be the key to salvation but isn’t sure if she wants to sacrifice her to save the world. Again, another movie that I just couldn’t find the time to watch if I wanted to get my work done for Below the Line. (Things are very busy right now because Emmy nominations take place over the next couple weeks.)

Jessica Barden (The End of the F*** World) stars in Nicole Riegel’s indie drama, HOLLER (IFC FIlms), playing Ruth Avery, a young woman who sees her acceptance into college as a way to get out of her dreary Southern Ohio town. She decides to take a job on a dangerous scrap metal crew with her older brother (Gus Halper) while stealing metal at night in order to pay her way to college, and she finds herself torn between her future and her family. The movie also stars Pamela Adlon as their mother. After premiering at last year’s Toronto International Film Festival, Holler will be released in theaters and digitally and On Demand this Friday.

I actually thought this one wasn’t bad even though it treads on rather familiar indie drama territory of wanting to get out of one’s town and get out into the world. Obviously, Barden’s presence is what really drives the film, because she is such a fantastic presence. I especially liked her in Jungleland, but this shows what she can do in a full-on leading role. While I wouldn’t urge anyone to race out to their local cinema to see Holler, it’s not a bad debut feature from Riegel, who built it out from a previous short, which feels somewhat obvious.

I was able to see Prano Bailey-Bond’s CENSOR (Magnet) at Sundance earlier this year and found it to be a nice creepy video nasty. It stars Niah Algar as Enid Barnes, a film censor who watches and rates horrible low-budget horror videos but who is also obsessed with finding her missing sister and seemingly finding a clue in a particularly strange horror film. Censor will hit theaters Friday and then be on digital on June 18, but I’ll have to watch it again to remember if I liked it for more than Niah Algar’s performance.

Starting on Friday up at Film at Lincoln Center is a special “Big Screen Summer: NYFF58 Redux” which is basically showcasing a bunch of movies from last year’s New York Film Festival, which was mainly held virtually, but now you can finally see many of them in the FilmLinc theaters, running from June 11 through August 26, and it includes things like Steve McQueen’s “Small Axe Anthology” (which haven’t been screened theatrically in New York other than at drive-ins). Click on the link above to see when any of your favorites or ones you missed will be screening.

I didn’t get a chance to watch Ty Roberts’ adaptation of Jim Dent’s novel, 12 MIGHTY ORPHANS (Sony Pictures Classics), but it opens in Texas this Friday and then nationwide on June 18. Starring Luke Wilson, Martin Sheen, Robert Duvall, Wayne Knight and Vinessa Shaw, it tells the story of the Mighty Mites football team of Fort Worth, made up of orphans during the Great Depression who barely had shoes or football but with the help of legendary high school coach Rusty Russell (Wilson), gave up a lucrative position to teach and coach the orphanage team. Rusty developed strategies that would allow the scrawny team to beat much bigger players on the football field. I’ll probably try to write something more about this next week.

Some of the movies I just didn’t have time to write about include:

QUEEN OF SPADES (Dread) SUBLET (Greenwich) ASIA (Mnemsha Films) UPHEAVAL (Abramorama) THE MISFITS (Highland Film Group, The Avenue) QUEEN BEES (Gravitas Ventures)

Next week’s big release is another sequel, THE HITMAN’S WIFE’S BODYGUARD (Lionsgate), but also Edgar Wright’s documentary, THE SPARKS BROTHERS (Focus Features), will be released after its festival run.

[gabriellakirtonblog]

How to Find Your Target Market for Personal Training

Success in business boils down to two things: effective marketing and a quality product.

One helps you get customers. The other helps you keep them. But first you need to know who you’re marketing to, and who your product is for.

Marketing to everyone is a waste of time and money. The more you focus your brand on the right target market for you, the faster you’ll build your personal training business. It’s the difference between throwing darts at a bare wall in a dark room and having a clear bullseye to aim for.

Another benefit of sharpening your focus: Once you stand out as the go-to expert for a specific niche, you can charge more for your services.

I know how well it works because, in nearly 15 years in the fitness industry, I’ve successfully targeted three unique markets: stay-at-home moms, people with obesity, and baby boomers.

I wish I could say it was simple, that I announced I wanted to work with stay-at-home moms between the ages of 30 and 50 who’re interested in health and fitness, and clients lined up to train with me.

Figuring out, and refining, my target market was an ongoing process. Still is. The following three steps allowed me to build successful businesses around each target market, and they should work for you as well.

READ ALSO: Create a Personal Trainer Business Plan in Six Steps

1. Begin with something you’re interested in or feel passionate about

In college, I belonged to a personal training program that let me work with dozens of clients right from the jump. I didn’t set out to work with moms, but by getting a chance to train a few of them, I realized how much I enjoyed it. By graduation, I knew that’s who I wanted to focus on.

Years later, I met marketing guru Joe Polish, who shared three powerful questions for launching a successful business:

Who do you want to be a hero to?

How do you want to be a hero to them?

What product or service can you create to do that?

The framework made sense because I’d already used it. Who did I want to be a hero to? Stay-at-home moms. How? By helping them be their healthiest, most energetic selves. The product or service: bootcamp-style training with free child care.

My inspiration was my own stay-at-home mom, who raised four children and always put our needs above her own. Growing up, I often felt she needed an outlet, a place where she could connect with adults and enjoy the kind of “me time” you get from a great workout. Now, as a trainer, I could give that outlet to other deserving moms.

Thus, my starting point was a population I wanted to serve. It should also be your starting point.

Now comes the hard part: making it work for you, and using it to reach your financial goals. In my case, I found a gym with on-site child care where I could lead my bootcamps in exchange for a percentage of my fees.

I had no idea if it would work. Would moms want to train with a kid just out of college? And if they did, could I make enough for it to be worthwhile? I admit I lucked out. I just followed my heart, and built a solid business.

Three important pieces of advice:

Train as many types of clients as you can for your first year or two. I was able to do this in college, but most trainers won’t get this opportunity until they land their first job.

Don’t rush into a niche. Keep an open mind. See who you gravitate toward, and who is attracted to you.

When you get more referrals from one type of client than any other, you’ve probably found your target market.

READ ALSO: How to Make More Money as a Personal Trainer

2. Create avatars for your target market

When trying to define a new niche, it helps to start with a wide lens, and then systematically narrow your focus. You want to consider some or all these demographic factors:

Gender

Age

Income level

Marital or family status

Training experience

Learning style

Fitness goals

Identify three to five pain points within this audience, and build an avatar for each one. Here are some examples from my Fit Over 50 program:

A 55-year-old woman struggling with postmenopausal weight gain

A 65-year-old retiree who wants more energy

A 73-year-old concerned about falling

Now go deeper still: For each avatar, try to identify at least three reasons why this person might want to hire you.

Let’s take the 65-year-old retiree. Maybe she wants to:

Kick around a soccer ball with her grandkids

Easily get up and down from the floor

Take fun, active vacations

Return to hiking, tennis, golf, or another physical activity she used to enjoy, or start a new one that requires better mobility or a higher fitness level

You must let market research inform your avatars. I can’t emphasize that enough. It won’t work if you make assumptions about what your target clients should want.

Immerse yourself in your clients’ world. Visit the stores where they shop. Read the magazines they read. Talk to them, and pay attention to the language they use.

I do a lot of my market research on sales calls, which I never delegate to anyone else on my team. I talk to 100 people a month, and have spoken to thousands in my career. What they tell me about their frustrations and goals often makes it into my ad copy, using their own words.

But how do you do that when you’re starting out, and don’t have any sales calls? Host a gathering with some of the people you’re targeting, and just sit and chat with them. Ask about their goals and challenges. What have they done, and what do they want to do?

Whatever vision you started with, you must refine it to match the reality you see in your research.

A successful target market exists at the intersection of fantasy and reality. You dream of who you want to work with, and then you refine the dream based on who you actually attract. They may not match the avatar you created.

For example, when I started Killer Kurves, my program for people with obesity, I didn’t have any specific age group in mind. But I eventually realized some two-thirds of our clients were over 50. Now my marketing message speaks directly to the overweight 55-year-old.

READ ALSO: How to Get More Personal Training Clients in Five Steps

3. Keep researching, and be prepared to pivot

It may seem like I’ve followed a clear straight path, but pivoting has kept my business alive.

I spend a lot of time and money staying on top of industry trends, attending conferences (I like IDEA), visiting websites like the PTDC, and reading industry magazines like Personal Fitness Professional. I also regularly connect with friends and mentors in the industry.

But the most important conversations I have are with my clients. In 2012, I was able to recognize that the bootcamp market was becoming saturated. Despite my growing mom empire, I knew it was time for a change.

That’s where another type of market research came in: talking to clients.

One client who’d lost 60 pounds with me said she wished we had a program for obese people. Just like that, Killer Kurves was born, a program available only to clients with a BMI of 30 or more. Classes are half exercise, half group discussion. And nearly all the trainers have lost 40 to 80 pounds.

A couple years later, I noticed a lot of younger clients asking about programs for their parents. At the time, I had a brick-and-mortar facility that sat empty for much of the workday. So I launched Fit Over 50, a program that targets seniors. Now I have retirees in the gym while most of my other clients are at work.

Today I target all three niches. I still help moms, but that business isn’t nearly as robust as it once was. I wouldn’t be where I am today without the other two.

One final word of caution: I don’t recommend adding new niches before mastering those you already have. You don’t have to stop with one, but that’s definitely where you should start.

READ ALSO: How to Build a Personal Training Marketing Plan

          Ready to Start Your Personal Training Career?

Starting your career isn’t complicated. All you need is for someone to pay you to train them.

But how do you get that first client? What do you need to know? Where do you want to work, and how do you get hired?

If your answer to any of those questions is “I don’t know,” you need The Wealthy Fit Pro’s Guide to Starting Your Career, the ultimate launching pad for ambitious personal trainers.

Jonathan Goodman will show you how to …

Land the perfect job for you (pg. 17)

Attract more clients (pg. 95)

Keep more clients (pg. 55)

Get even more clients through a foolproof referral system (pg. 115)

Learn the no-fail secret to motivating clients (pg. 61)

Set yourself apart with programs your clients will brag about (pg. 71)

Master marketing skills that open up new income opportunities (pg. 152)

Become the best trainer you can be (pg. 46)

If you’re just beginning your journey in the fitness industry (or know someone who is), you won’t find a more authoritative or comprehensive resource.

Order this book in paperback today and get the audiobook and ebook 100% free (a $40 value).

It all starts by clicking here: The Wealthy Fit Pro’s Guide to Starting Your Career

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