#you know. a totally healthy and normal range of behaviors.

[spring-lxcked]

remembering my canon of how william and elise get together is so funny and i realized i've never actually gone into detail abt the specifics, i'm always like "oh they met when she visited hurricane and he showed her around and they hit it off immediately" but i have failed to mentioned that they sleep together like five times before ever going on an actual date AND ALSO that the first time they have sex william quite literally hits her with the "i think i'm in love with you" immediately after and they both laugh it off like he wasn't lowkey serious

[whentherewerebicycles]

hoo boy it’s Tuesday and what a week it’s been already. Pip was up all night demanding to be let out to hork down grass and then hork it back up again, so nobody in this house slept much 😩 I also started getting so anxious last night I was short of breath and then had those awful choking dreams where I wake up gasping for air, which I haven’t had for years. at one point I just woke up and sobbed for a while and then went right back to sleep. I feel a little better this morning but in general I think there may be something Not Right about my current levels of panic/dread/despair. like yes I have some reason to worry based on past experience but the intensity of the feelings is outside my normal range of emotional ups and downs. I have always been suuuper sensitive to anything that messes with my brain chemistry and I wonder if this is a “surge of new intense hormones” + “suddenly not being on the meds that have been regulating my brain chemistry for the past 12 years” kinda thing.

like if I step back from the anxiety and try to look at it objectively when I am calmer, I know:

my HCG numbers and rate of rise are at the very top end of the normal range, which is strongly associated in the literature with ongoing pregnancy and live birth

my numbers and rate of rise last time were NOT in the normal range and were in fact one of the fairly textbook patterns for an ectopic pregnancy

I am not experiencing any of the classic symptoms of miscarriage—no pain, no cramping, no bleeding

I have never been all that physically sensitive to HCG—the trigger shot has consistently just given me mild GI symptoms whereas other women experience full-on early pregnancy symptoms. last time my levels eventually reached 18,000 before the surgery (which is close to where I am right now) and I still was having zero symptoms. it seems possible my mild symptoms are not a Harbinger of Doom but are just my body not being that reactive to HCG. my mom says that in four healthy pregnancies she never had morning sickness or any really marked symptoms of pregnancy so maybe there’s a genetic basis to it

I can tell I’m ignoring the symptoms I am experiencing (or dismissing them as unimportant/meaningless) in favor of fixating on the ones I am not experiencing and according those the greatest significance. this feels like classic anxiety brain

having one ectopic increases your risk of having another one but as far as I can tell the odds are higher if they open the tube and then stitch it back up as opposed to removing it entirely. I know my right tube seemed to have a weird little kink in it that showed up in the HSG exam and that was indeed where the ectopic took place. my remaining tube is totally clear/open so there is no particular reason to think I will have a recurrent ectopic.

most women do not have access to this level of data about their pregnancies at six weeks! I need to remember it’s not normal to have so much information so early to obsess over. if I weren’t undergoing fertility treatments and had just gotten pregnant naturally I wouldn’t be going in for a first scan until 8-10 weeks and probably wouldn’t even know my HCG numbers. the intense levels of anxiety I am feeling are probably Brain Stuff gone awry but also I think are a product of having too much info too soon, which partly gives me the illusion of control but much more strongly makes me aware of how little control any of us have over this process. this entire journey has been about just the extreme agonies of waiting through long stretches of time where you literally cannot do anything to influence what is happening inside your body. that is a hard thing to do! and a hard thing to accept! I am doing the best I can in the circumstances I am in!

but also I can probably help myself out a bit by asking about SSRIs and/or cognitive behavioral therapy sigh

[anxietytherapycounseling]

Sorts Of Anxiety Counseling

Stress and anxiety therapy is a sort of psychological health therapy that concentrates on alleviating signs and symptoms and boosting the quality of life for those that deal with anxiousness. Counselors utilize a range of techniques to assist customers handle their stress and anxiety as well as relevant symptoms, consisting of medicine, cognitive behavior modification (CBT), psychodynamic therapy, and also various other emotional strategies. As a whole, the most effective outcomes originate from a mix of different kinds of treatment. Signs, the severity of the condition, as well as various other elements will figure out which technique your specialist will use for yellow key therapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy is an effective type of anxiety counseling. It teaches clients to identify their adverse ideas and also beliefs that fuel stress and anxiety and concern. It likewise instructs them exactly how to change these unfavorable thoughts with more positive ones. One more form of anxiousness counseling is direct exposure treatment, in which individuals are gradually subjected to intimidating scenarios until they find out to regulate their physical reactions to the threat. This detailed procedure can be unbelievably handy for people with panic disorders, yet it can require time and also patience for the client and also their specialist to accomplish success. Exposure treatment is commonly carried out by an accredited psycho therapist, psychiatrist, or various other psychological health specialist. It is based upon the theory that the irrational anxieties related to anxiety disorders are rooted in an individual's past experiences and also require to be faced in order for them to dissipate.

This therapy technique involves exploring the past, consisting of household background as well as childhood years injuries, in order to find out what triggers anxiety. It is a kind of psychiatric therapy rooted in Freudian theory, as well as it works at helping people overcome their anxieties and cope with their worries. Hypnosis is another anxiousness counseling technique that assists people attain insight into their sensations as well as concerns. It is not as structured as CBT, but it can be helpful in determining the origin of the stress and anxiety. Psychodynamic treatment is an additional type of anxiousness counseling that involves discovering the person's youth in order to understand what might be creating the symptoms they are experiencing today. Know more about counseling at https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/mental-health-therapy-school_us_5b4c9d2ae4b022fdcc5b881c.

It is usually an extensive and expensive type of stress and anxiety therapy, yet it has been revealed to be effective for sure types of stress and anxiety conditions. Tension management techniques, such as leisure methods, visualization workouts, and also meditation, can minimize stress and anxiety. Getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and also working out can also enhance the total quality of life for those that suffer from anxiety. Avoiding alcohol and also recreational medications can be a large help in handling the signs and symptoms of anxiousness. These materials can trigger and also worsen anxiousness, so it is necessary to cut back or quit using them. If you are dealing with stress and anxiety, it is necessary to look for expert help asap. The sooner you get counseling, the quicker you can begin putting the symptoms behind you and also start living a normal life again. Depending on the kind of anxiousness problem you are having problem with, your counselor will suggest the suitable sort of therapy. Normally, cognitive behavior modification (CBT) is the most common and efficient stress and anxiety therapy alternative. Be sure to get treatment for anxiety today!

[alidigitaluae1]

10 tips to prolong the life of your mobile battery - Part 1

Neither cold nor hot

To ensure long battery life, you should avoid extreme temperatures. Neither cold nor hot. Neither in winter nor in summer is it a good idea to leave your mobile in the car. In the summer season, you have to be especially careful. And it is very easy to forget your smartphone in the sun, on a towel or on a terrace table. In The BEEP Informática Blog we have prepared an in-depth article on the dangers of the sun and high temperatures for mobile phones and other mobility devices.

Avoid fast charging

Some smartphones facilitate fast charging. It is a technology that can be very useful when it is strictly necessary. However, this type of charging puts the battery under stress and contributes to its deterioration. In other words: normal charges are better for battery longevity.

Mobile Phone Repair Dubai

Neither 0% nor 100%

We advise against letting the battery drop to 0%, or charging it up to 100%.

A 'vice' inherited from the past

This is a bad practice inherited from a time long past, when rechargeable batteries had memory. If you didn't fully charge and discharge them, the batteries would remember and see their capacity reduced. Therefore, it was best to leave the battery at zero. And recharge it until it reaches 100%.

Ideal load: between 45% and 75%

New batteries work differently. In fact, fully discharging and charging are harmful actions for the battery. In an ideal world, the goal is to keep the charge level between 65% and 75%.

However, no one is constantly aware of the load bar, so a more realistic ideal range is 45%-75%.

Is it still a difficult load spectrum to maintain in your day-to-day life? Well, you should know that it is also good to keep the battery between 20% and 90% capacity, a much more affordable range.

The manufacturer Samsung states that it is necessary to prevent the battery from falling below 20% capacity.

In order to always keep the battery in the mentioned ranges, it is good that you charge in sessions of a few minutes.

Mobile Phone Wholesalers Dubai

We can say that an optimal level of load is 50%. Of course, be that as it may, avoid at all costs that the battery plummets to zero or rises to 100% charge.

At 5% once a month, to recalibrate

It is good to let the battery discharge almost completely, to a level of 5%, "to recalibrate".

Charge the mobile to 50% if you are going to store it for a while

We have already said that the optimal level of charge is 50%. This percentage is a reference, a guide.

Well, that healthy percentage of charge is ideal if you are going to keep your mobile for an extended period of time. Therefore, you should charge it up to 50% before unplugging it and putting it away. Do not even think about turning it off when it is at 0% or 100%, before parking the device for a long time. If you do it like this, the battery would suffer.

Mobile Phone Wholesalers Dubai

Use less battery to extend its useful life

So far, we have explained actions and routines that can help you extend the life of your battery. From now on, we will list tips with which to improve the use of the battery.

With that energy optimization, you reduce the number of charge cycles (the total discharge and charge of the battery) and, therefore, contribute to a longer battery life. And it is that, as we explained above, the more charging cycles, the more the battery deteriorates.

So, all those behaviors aimed at consuming the minimum battery necessary are positive for the longevity of the mobile. The key term is to optimize the use and consumption of the battery.

Watch videos and play in moderation

Along with applications (which we deal with at another point in this article), videos and video games are the two contents that consume the most energy. This is content that requires the screen to be in operation for long periods of time.

Reduce screen brightness

The mobile screen is the component that usually consumes the most battery. So if you lower the brightness of the screen, you will save energy. The use of auto brightness is a good option, although it is also true that this function will make the light sensor work more.

The ideal, although difficult to carry out, is to change the brightness of the screen every time the light conditions in which you find yourself change.

Mobile Phone Repair Dubai

Decrease screen timeout

If you have the screen on and stop using it, it will turn off after a short period of time, which is usually a minute or two. To save energy, you can reduce that waiting time.

Sometimes 30 seconds is more than enough. Now, think that if that time is very short, the screen can go black just when you are in the middle of an interesting newspaper article or checking the instructions of a recipe.

Rethink the use of 'voracious' Apps with the battery

If you use up battery power at a fast pace, you should review your social media habits. Are you hooked or hooked at all times to Facebook from your mobile? Applications like Facebook are very voracious. That is, they consume a lot of battery.

Clear or restrict Facebook permissions

The most drastic option is to delete Facebook. Another alternative is to restrict permissions (video autoplay, notifications, etc.) and reduce the use of the application.

You can access Facebook from your browser

You can access Facebook from your smartphone's browser. The experience is very similar to what you have through the app. You can even receive notifications. For quick access, bookmark Facebook.com in your browser.

In some mobiles, these social networks come pre-installed. Therefore, they cannot be deleted, but they can be disabled.

Mobile Phone Wholesalers Dubai

What other Apps make you waste battery?

Take a look at battery settings to find out which other apps use a disproportionate amount of power. When you have located them, delete them, disable them or restrict permissions.

Keep in mind that some applications have light versions, which generally take up less space, use less data and require less energy.

Alert with Apps with geopositioning

Apps that rely on GPS are especially battery intensive. Some apps, like Google Maps, actually need to know where you are in order to work well. But others, like Facebook, don't need that information to deliver satisfactory performance.

The mission of achieving better energy use of mobile applications is not easy. The main reason is that those Apps that use the most battery are the ones you use the most. Therefore, you will not delete them, and you will hardly reduce their use. A good idea is to restrict permissions.

Buy the premium version of Apps you use often to get rid of ads

Many Apps have both free and paid versions. The free one is usually paid for with ads. And, as you can imagine, those ads that appear make you spend more data and more energy.

Therefore, if an App is essential for you, we advise you to get the premium version. In the long run, it will pay off. You will consume much less data and much less battery

On the other hand, you will benefit from a screen free of advertising and you will enjoy a version of the App with more features. In addition, you will contribute to the development of the Apps developer industry.

Does your mobile sync data too often?

Almost certainly you use email and applications of all kinds on your smartphone. We are talking about Apps that check for updates and are frequently synchronized.

These timings cause the battery to drain faster.

Therefore, review your sync settings in your Apps and in your email, so that only syncs are made at the rate you need.

Turn off WiFi, Bluetooth and GPS if you don't need them

If you have them activated, WiFi, Bluetooth and GPS are regularly checking for a signal. And that search consumes energy.

For this reason, if you are not going to need any of these technologies, it is best to disable them.

So when you leave home, don't forget to turn off WiFi. And do the same with Bluetooth when you don't have to connect to any device.

Mobile Phone Repair Dubai

Put the 'Battery saver' mode

Most smartphones have a Battery Saver mode . This mode disables unnecessary actions. For example, the automatic check for the reception of new emails. It is a mode that we can set manually or automatically (when the phone's battery drops below a preset level).

With Battery saver , the performance of the device gets worse. However, the battery lasts much longer.

Check the health of your battery

Newer versions of iOS will show you your battery health. In Android, that function is not available, but there are third-party Apps that allow you to do a battery check.

Always use the official charger

Make sure you use the charger that came in the box with your smartphone. And, if this charger wears out or breaks, go find a charger exactly like it. The official charger is a good first step in ensuring optimal charging practices.

Update device software

Check that you have carried out the latest available update of your device's software.

Avoid places with poor signal

Do you have little signal? How many bars of signal does the screen tell you?

These are important questions, since your device uses more battery if you are for a long time in an area with poor coverage. The reason? Your mobile spends more energy communicating with your network operator.

Using data in areas with a low signal can drain your battery. We advise you to turn off data if you are running low on battery and don't need internet access.

Mobile Phone Repair Dubai

Use WiFi whenever you can

When you have WiFi within your reach, use it. It not only saves data, but also consumes less battery than the connection offered by the operator for your mobile.

For this reason, do not forget to activate the WiFi when you are at home. And don't be shy about asking for the password when you're in a coffee shop or at a friend's house.

Use the 'Airplane Mode'

If the battery starts to get low, you should turn on Airplane Mode . With this mode, you disable WiFi and Bluetooth.

Now, you should know that if you want to activate either of these two technologies again, you can do it manually without leaving Airplane Mode .

Disable background updates

By default, apps are refreshed or updated in the background. You can choose to only do this when you are connected to a WiFi network. If anything, these updates can squeeze the battery.

To disable these updates, you can do it app by app. On iPhone models, you have to go to Settings and, once there, Background Updates. On Android, you must go to Settings and a section on data usage.

Prevent automatic updates of Apps

To improve the energy efficiency of your mobile, it can be key to prevent automatic updates of Apps.

To do this, on iPhones you must go to Settings, to [your name] and to iTunes and App Store. Once there, you can indicate that you do not want automatic downloads.

On Android, open Google Play. Pull down the side menu and select Settings. Within this submenu, you will see the option to disable automatic updates on Android.

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Turn off artificial intelligence assistants

If you have proposed to use less battery, we recommend you to leave the artificial intelligence assistant of your mobile out of play.

On many Android devices, you have the Google Assistant, which you can summon by saying "OK Google." That means that the microphone of the mobile must be on to hear the magical words. It is an unnecessary waste of energy, especially if it is a function that you use very sporadically. You can disable it in Google settings.

On your iPhone go to Settings, select Siri and turn off Hey Siri.

Uncheck the 'widgets' you don't use

The so-called widgets allow you to see at a glance the relevant information of the applications you use most. But you should keep in mind that they consume battery when updating. Therefore, it is a good idea to review which widgets we have active. If we use little any of them, uncheck it.

Slide the screen to the right, and the notification screen will appear. Find the Edit button and choose your widgets.

Disable visual effects

Animated backgrounds give your smartphone personality. However, at the same time they waste battery power. The recommendation is to switch to a static wallpaper.

Mobile Phone Wholesalers Dubai

Turn off unnecessary sounds

The iPhone speaker drains battery. For this reason, we advise you to deactivate those sounds that are not crucial for the operation of the mobile. For example, keyboard clicks or the one that sounds when you lock the screen. These options can be disabled in Settings > Sounds.

[cupsudan0]

The Most Effective Breakfast Meals To Eat If You Have Diabetes, Says Dietitian

The every day sugar diary is invaluable both to self-management and to skilled evaluation of responses to drugs, food regimen, and exercise. The glucose log ought to include the doses and occasions of administration for insulin or oral medications, when and what the particular person ate, when and for a way lengthy the particular person exercised, and any important occasions of the day . Many mobile applications ("apps") exist to assist log and share knowledge. Patients who've diabetes-related complications may be limited in each the kind of train and the amount of train they will safely perform. Consult your well being care professional earlier than beginning any exercise program. LADA is diagnosed by the presence of antibodies, diabetes analysis at a later age, no family history of sort 2 diabetes, and a progressive increase in insulin needs. If someone identified with sort 2 diabetes is having rising difficulty controlling the diabetes with oral medicines and wholesome life-style adjustments alone, she or he might wish to be screened for LADA. Diabetes is identified if the fasting glucose degree is 126 mg/dL (7.zero mmol/L) or higher on two totally different tests. Levels between 100 and a hundred twenty five mg/dL (5.5 and 7.0 mmol/L) are referred to as impaired fasting glucose or prediabetes. Cholesterol High ldl cholesterol and triglyceride ranges enhance the risk of heart problems. Severely low blood sugar could result in unconsciousness and seizures. Diabetic neuropathyNerve harm affects practically 60 percent of individuals with diabetes. Distal symmetric polyneuropathy is probably the most prevalent inside that group. A more subtle strategy is the predictive management algorithm, which makes use of a model of the human metabolic system, such because the one proposed in 1979 by Bergman and Cobelli. The point is to foretell future states and thereby partially compensate for the delayed diffusion of subcutaneous insulin into the bloodstream. “The hormonal modifications during being pregnant function a ‘stress test’ to the cells making insulin,” Hamaty says. A specialist might help an individual with diabetes lead an lively, balanced lifestyle and manage the condition. In the case of kind 2 diabetes, insulin resistance takes place steadily. This is why doctors typically suggest making lifestyle changes in an attempt to slow or reverse this cycle. People with prediabetes are, nevertheless, vulnerable to growing sort 2 diabetes, although they don't often expertise the signs of full diabetes. Different kinds of diabetes can occur, and managing the situation is dependent upon the kind. Not all forms of diabetes stem from a person being overweight or main an inactive lifestyle. High blood sugar could cause harm to the small blood vessels of the attention, leading to a swollen lens that can trigger blurred imaginative and prescient. As blood sugar levels rise and decrease, your imaginative and prescient might return to normal or worsen, respectively. Although you can’t do anything about your genetic makeup, you possibly can alter your lifestyle. “Your genes don’t have to define your future, since genes interact with the environment to promote, or stop, disease,” Carnethon says. “Knowing that a member of the family has diabetes should encourage different family members to adhere to healthy behaviors to stop the onset of diabetes.” Those behaviors will embody regular train and a nutritious diet. Since 1 in three American adults has prediabetes, the bottom line is that hundreds of thousands are in danger. Diabetes Masterclass Reviews Take the Diabetes Quiz and be taught the causes, signs, symptoms, and forms of this growing epidemic. The fasting blood glucose test is the preferred approach to diagnose diabetes. After the person has fasted in a single day , a single sample of blood is drawn and despatched to the laboratory for analysis. This can additionally be done precisely in a well being care provider's office using a glucose meter. The absolute lack of insulin, usually secondary to a harmful process affecting the insulin-producing beta cells within the pancreas, is the main dysfunction in kind 1 diabetes. This latter situation impacts mostly the cells of muscle and fats tissues, and results in a condition generally identified as insulin resistance.

[ugandaedge36]

One Of The Best Breakfast Foods To Eat In Case You Have Diabetes, Says Dietitian

The day by day sugar diary is invaluable each to self-management and to skilled analysis of responses to medications, food regimen, and exercise. The glucose log ought to include the doses and occasions of administration for insulin or oral medications, when and what the particular person ate, when and for how long the particular person exercised, and any vital occasions of the day . Many cell applications ("apps") exist to assist log and share information. Patients who've diabetes-related issues could additionally be limited in each the sort of exercise and the amount of exercise they can safely perform. Consult your well being care skilled before beginning any train program. LADA is recognized by the presence of antibodies, diabetes prognosis at a later age, no family historical past of kind 2 diabetes, and a progressive enhance in insulin wants. If somebody recognized with kind 2 diabetes is having increasing difficulty controlling the diabetes with oral medications and wholesome life-style modifications alone, he or she could wish to be screened for LADA. Diabetes is recognized if the fasting glucose stage is 126 mg/dL (7.zero mmol/L) or larger on two totally different exams. Levels between one hundred and 125 mg/dL (5.5 and 7.zero mmol/L) are referred to as impaired fasting glucose or prediabetes. Cholesterol High cholesterol and triglyceride levels enhance the danger of heart problems. Severely low blood sugar might result in unconsciousness and seizures. Diabetic neuropathyNerve harm impacts almost 60 % of individuals with diabetes. Distal symmetric polyneuropathy is the most prevalent within that group. A extra subtle strategy is the predictive management algorithm, which makes use of a mannequin of the human metabolic system, such because the one proposed in 1979 by Bergman and Cobelli. The level is to foretell future states and thereby partially compensate for the delayed diffusion of subcutaneous insulin into the bloodstream. “The hormonal modifications during pregnancy serve as a ‘stress test’ to the cells making insulin,” Hamaty says. A specialist might help a person with diabetes lead an energetic, balanced life-style and handle the situation. In the case of sort 2 diabetes, insulin resistance takes place steadily. This is why docs typically advocate making life-style modifications in an try and slow or reverse this cycle. People with prediabetes are, nonetheless, at danger of growing sort 2 diabetes, although they don't usually expertise the symptoms of full diabetes. Different sorts of diabetes can happen, and managing the condition is dependent upon the sort. Not all forms of diabetes stem from a person being obese or leading an inactive lifestyle. High blood sugar may cause harm to the small blood vessels of the attention, leading to a swollen lens that can cause blurred imaginative and prescient. As blood sugar ranges rise and decrease, your vision may return to normal or worsen, respectively. Although you can’t do something about your genetic make-up, you can alter your life-style. “Your genes don’t need to define your destiny, since genes work together with the surroundings to advertise, or prevent, disease,” Carnethon says. “Knowing that a family member has diabetes should encourage other family members to adhere to healthy behaviors to forestall the onset of diabetes.” Those behaviors will embody regular train and a nutritious diet. Since Diabetes Solution Kit in 3 American adults has prediabetes, the bottom line is that millions are at risk. Diabetes Quiz Take the Diabetes Quiz and study the causes, signs, signs, and types of this rising epidemic. The fasting blood glucose check is the popular method to diagnose diabetes. After the particular person has fasted overnight , a single sample of blood is drawn and despatched to the laboratory for analysis. This can also be carried out accurately in a physician's office utilizing a glucose meter. The absolute lack of insulin, normally secondary to a destructive course of affecting the insulin-producing beta cells in the pancreas, is the principle dysfunction in type 1 diabetes. This latter condition impacts largely the cells of muscle and fat tissues, and results in a condition often identified as insulin resistance.

[probably-haven]

after binge reading i have come to a new revelation: I’m not a fan of most Xiaoven fanfics

Don’t get me wrong, I love the ship and its one of my favorite to think about.... but most of the fanfiction for the ship just- doesn’t sit right with me for a number of reasons. 

Disclaimer: these are personal opinions from my own taste and are in no way an attack against any authors out there, because frankly fanfic authors are great and not like i could do better lol. As these are personal opinions, I acknowledge here and now that a number of people disagree and that they are under no obligation to change their opinions in any way as it is not and never will be my intention to tell others what they should be thinking That said- read at your own risk if you want- meh, anyway-

time to share some opinions that have been on my mind lately

The biggest reason.... is how they handle Xiao. And I don’t even mean mischaracterization because Xiao is such a complex and yet simultaneously simple character that as long as you’re somewhere in the range of “Xiao vibes” it’s really hard to write him out of character because of his complexities. What I mean is something that i actually completely agree with as being accurate to his character. In nearly every single fanfic I’ve seen, there is some element of idolization that Xiao has for Venti, or for the sake of reference, Barbatos. He tends to think himself beneath Barbatos and/or indebted to him, whether that be because he’s an archon, because he saved him, or simply because of Xiao’s tendency to dehumanize(yes i see the irony in that word usage) himself.  This by itself isn’t an issue but its often how this trait of his is treated.

Imma just list a few ways I’ve seen this be handled within Xiaoven fics. - It isn’t handled, it’s just there and accepted as a part of who he is in the story - It isn’t handled but his trait is treated as source of humor within the story - Venti(and others) roll with it (finding humor in it, just cant change it, encouraging it, making jokes about it, etc.) - Venti takes advantage of it(whether accidentally or purposely) - it’s actually addressed(by Venti or someone else or the narration- can go a number of ways, but just- even a brief reference to the fact that its not a good mindset fits in here) - savior!Venti(Where venti disagrees with it but the way it’s written gives off “god among mortals” vibes- like he’s just being humble and truly is above him in reality) - its the focus of the story  - not directly addressed but shown to be destructive.  - they chose not to not include this in the story’s characterization of Xiao(just saying that this is valid ahead of time) Theres others but i have a lot already.  Note that I tend to read more ‘serious-toned’(idk if that makes sense) fics so that may skew my perception

Now there’s a few that i have issues with on their own- both instances of it not being handled, Venti(and others) rolling with it, Venti takes advantage of it(purposely(and without good intent)), and savior!Venti. Xiao not only has this trait, but he is unfamiliar with what is normal in relationships or emotions as a result of isolation and inexperience. He is also either not aware of or not concerned with what is considered strictly “healthy.” Combining these makes for a rather dangerous combination and just accepting it as “oh he’s just like that, it’s who he is” or making it out to be something funny- It’s not wrong or bad by any means necessarily, and I could still possibly enjoy it to an extent depending on a series of different factors, but its- not as often.  Even in the case where I do enjoy reading it however, I would still feel uncomfortable sharing it with or recommending it to others because in the first instance it feels like normalizing a destructive and dangerous mindset, and in the second case it does the same while simultaneously making a joke of it. It’s the same deal with Venti or other characters rolling with it, but that’s probably gonna be mentioned later too. Not to say that this is a “wrong” way to handle it, that it makes the fic bad, or that authors even are normalizing anything by doing so, just that in my specific instance- not a fan. 

I’ll get to the others when i talk more about Venti, but for now: It’s the focus of the story. I think I saw like... 2? where the story was like- focused on this and why its a problem which- power to them, address those real world problems like a boss- but also i wouldn’t actively seek it out or anything- like, good job, but doing so just leaves it open neutrally for other factors to decide how good a story i think it is. 

not directly addressed but shown to be destructive. You’d think i wouldn’t like this- but frankly in fanfiction not everyone wants to address every character flaw verbally because it can through off story, narration, dialogue, and general flow to do so. This can be with an event, an action, a dialogue, a mere comment, making it actually fit into the it’s actually addressed category except that its- subtle enough to make its own category. plus i live for show not tell- in everything- its a thing. im- very much a fan of when the fics do this but the subtlety is easy to miss and its not common so- 

It’s actually adressed- doesnt have to be a lot- just mention anywhere or imply anywhere that maybe idolizing someone as a god and savior and being in a relationship with them while having little knowledge of standards, emotions, relationships, or healthy behaviors in general- maybe isnt the smartest idea in the word. (”Call me Venti, not Barbatos” by itself is not enough to fit in this category tho as a note)

-

Now lets talk about Venti...

uh.... those who have followed me for awhile will probably already know this but... I have a lot of opinions on Venti and a pretty- “niche(?)” perception of his characterization that isn’t shared by a lot of others- so I don’t actually read as much Venti fanfic in general as you might expect because I often end up disagreeing with how writers portray him, which again, in no way is their characterization wrong, but- “their perceived truth” conflicts with “my perceived truth” and by extent so does the characterization, though neither is any more correct than the other from an objective point of view, if that makes sense... but anyways now that that’s said, moving on before this becomes a philosophy lecture, as fun as that would be for me.  I’ll try to keep my “perceived truth” out of this for the first bit. 

Venti’s response to this: 

He rolls with it: this depends on the mood of the fanfiction. If they dont put a lot of stress on that trait of Xiao’s it totally fine but if the trait seems to be a major part of Xiao’s character, it seems like normalization once more. (more on this later)

he takes advantage of it purposely: if its an AU or something and Venti’s like a villain(i saw a few) then- villain venti isnt my cup of tea but i have no qualms. If they don’t portray Venti in a negative light while having him take advantage however that’s a bit uncomfortable to read for me because it feels like normalizing taking advantage of that mindset as well as the mindset itself. However, i did see a number of instances of Venti using it as leverage for like- self care- which i definitely have no qualms. Xiao: [insert probably destructive idolizing statement about being indebt] Venti: How bout you pay me back by actually sleeping for once smh or other variations are okay and depending on the vibe are actually a really fun dynamic as long as it doesnt turn into romanticizing or normalizing it, y’know?

Venti accidentally taking advantage of it.... I love angst- and in most of these theres a sense of guilt when he realizes- and i just think thats a lovely way of addressing the dangers of such a mindset for both sides. As long as it doesn’t keep repeating to the point of romanticization its totally cool to read in my eyes(not irl ofc). If Venti never realizes he accidentally took or is taking advantage it feels a bit like normalization, and if he does but just- doesn’t care thats- a rip.

savior!Venti...... i- i hate. the story giving off vibes that Xiao’s mindset is technically correct while Venti oh so humbly tells him to treat him as an equal like the wonderful and charitable person he is.... i just- no. of course thats over dramatizing it- I think the main thing that gives it this vibe is when Venti doesn’t seem either concerned, surprised, uncomfortable, or otherwise have a negative feeling towards Xiao’s mindset. Just- it makes the whole thing weird in my eyes when Venti doesnt really seem to have his own reason to oppose the mindset idk- 

-

fact time!

Venti is the god of freedom. His backstory is freeing Mondstadt from a god’s tyrannical reign. His origin is a windsprite, just another breeze bringing changes for the better. His form is a nameless boy who played an instrument and then died, thus failing at his only dream and only ever accomplishing anything because of the help of others. He slept for a thousand years after the archon war to avoid putting Mond under the rule of yet another tyrannical god. He only even became a god because Andrius chose to let him. He wouldn’t have even had that chance if the nameless bard had survived, he’d remain just another wind while his friend ascended to godhood. Venti sacrifices his own power for his people’s freedom. 

now that I’ve laid out a number of canon facts, time for opinions:

Venti has little to no desire to be seen as a god. He thrives in, comes from, and emphasizes a lack of superiority in quite nearly everything. The first Ragnvindir, who canonically turned his back on Venti after Decarabian’s fall, likely did so because one- he anticipated power would corrupt and Venti would soon become just another tyrannical god, two- he suspected Venti used the nameless bard in an attempt to rise to godhood, or three- idk insert other possibilities to acknowledge again that i could totally be wrong.

Look me in the eyes and tell me Venti wouldnt trade godhood for his friend in an instant. His godhood was only granted to him because his friend died and could easily serve to constantly remind him of what could have been and what he lost. Venti takes no enjoyment from being seen as superior and in my opinion, I feel that it could actually make him largely uncomfortable when his divinity and abilities as an archon get involved-

also self promotion for my favorite posts- check out #archon war era venti if thats interesting to you

so anyway Venti rolling with it or making jokes about it just doesn’t sit right with me.- 

-

Okay! enough talking about that mindset!

idk- i have... a few/lot of other gripes and stuff or just things that kinda throw off the vibe for me but that’s the main one plus my general personal pickiness when it come to Venti fanfics- but this has gotten long enough already- 

idk i just felt like rambling about it and i haven’t done a long post in a while so-

again, I love the ship and its actually one of my favorites- just the fanfic isnt my thing..... that doesn’t mean i don’t still love it and come up with a whole ton of brainrot and ideas on it tho lmao

[the-final-sif]

BNHA Venom!AU (set in the US for ease of writing) where Izuku is a baby symbiote who accidentally ended up on earth. He ended up lucking into a host, an 8 year old Katsuki who’d been backpacking through the woods nearby where he landed.

Katsuki was always a bit of a weird kid. He didn’t get along well with any of the kids he knew, and his parents were rather distant, being high-end fashion designers meant they were always off across the world doing other things. As a result, when this weird alien attaches itself to him, he’s annoyed for sure, but he doesn’t panic, or call the police, or really do any of the normal things that a child should do in that situation.

He just kinda,,, puts up with Izuku. Sure, he’s pissed off and he tells Izuku to go away for awhile, but soon enough he learns to accept this weird alien that’s a part of his life.

Quickly, both he and Izuku discover that Izuku can help him do some pretty cool things, and Izuku needs lots of chocolate to stay healthy. Both things are just fine by Katsuki, and he ends up deciding that Izuku is actually alright in his books.

Some government agents snoop around, at least somewhat aware of an alien being in the area, and Katsuki quickly learns to hide Izuku from anyone else. He doesn’t want them to take his new friend and hurt him like they described. Katsuki manages to escape suspicion as not even his own parents know about his backpacking/hiking hobbies, and nobody really thinks a spoiled 8 year old kid of two fashion designers would be 10 miles out in the woods.

After that, life keeps going for Izuku and Katsuki. They learn to live together, how to adapt to all the various quirks of sharing a body, how to use the powers Izuku can give Katsuki, and how to keep Izuku well hidden.

It’s all going great, right up until Katsuki makes it into an extremely prestigious boarding school; UA. It’s his dream high school, but it’s so much harder to hide the fact he’s got an alien living in his body when he’s living with other teenagers, and the security at the school is much higher than what he’s used to. For fuck’s sake, the vice president’s kid goes to this school! There’s no way they aren’t getting caught.

Still, Izuku doesn’t want Katsuki to give up on his dream and encourages him, so Katsuki reluctantly goes to UA anyways, trying his best to keep Izuku hidden.

But there are... incidents. Not ones where anyone dies, but people seem intent on harassing Katsuki, from fellow classmates to muggers outside the school, and Izuku is very protective by nature. After a few of these ‘incidents’, a certain underground branch of the government starts getting suspicious again, launching an investigation into the school.

Meanwhile, Aizawa, Katsuki’s primary teacher, has started noticing lots of weird things about Katsuki. Like how he always has two columns in his notebooks, with one side full of carefully written notes and the other side filled with random excited musings in rushed handwriting. Or how sometimes he'll seem to become a different person for a moment, or how he seems to vanish at odd moments.

Weirdest of all is his homework/essays, where Aizawa would swear half the time it's a different person writing them (he only knows for a fact it's Katsuki doing both, since he's watched the kid write most of his essays at various stages in the library). The core ideals themselves seem to change between essays, and that’s what bothers him the most since he’s never seen that in a student before.

Being the good concerned teacher he is, Aizawa considered all the evidence before he called Katsuki into his office. Katsuki and Izuku are sure they've been caught.

Then Aizawa asks Katsuki if he's ever been tested to having multiple personalities.

And listen, Katsuki does not believe in faking mental disorders. But by this point, he's really worried that the government is gonna get Izuku, so when he sees the chance to excuse all his weird behaviors he latches on with everything he’s got.

So Katsuki explained, while trying to lie as little as possible, that he's never formally been tested (and he doesn't want to be), but there is another person living in his body named Izuku. Izuku is very shy though, and would prefer to not be mentioned/brought attention to. As such he asked Aizawa to not tell anyone else about him. Aizawa agreed easily, after all he doesn’t see any real risk from Izuku, and he’s happy that Katsuki was honest with him about the situation. He tells both of them that they can come talk to him any time if they need help, Katsuki agreed to that, and for a little while Izuku & Katsuki were safe.

I dunno exactly how the class finds out about Izuku, but I do know that Iida is one of the first ones during a tense situation. As a result, Katsuki and Izuku get to watch as straight laced goody two shoes Iida looks a government agent right in the eyes and lies his ass off to him to protect Izuku.

 For this AU, the ‘Kidnapping’ happens when the government managed to catch onto Katsuki. They’re sure they’ve finally found the alien, and they move in to capture Katsuki.

Only, Katsuki gets wind of this ahead of time, so in a quick moment of desperation, he forces a weakened Izuku to transfer off of him and onto Shouto, since Enji is like the vice president in this AU and that makes Shouto much, much harder for a government agency to fuck with. Shouto is somewhat aware of what Izuku is, and he agrees to take the other to safety.

Poor Izuku can only watch as Katsuki is captured, while Shouto forces him to stay hidden for all their safety.

It's okay though, because the four people who know about Izuku and what happened (Shouto, Kirishima, Iida, and Momo) decide to break into the government base to get Katsuki back, with Izuku's help obviously.

They get most of the way through their super secret infiltration mission, but something goes wrong and they’re almost caught. 

Until while they're hiding and the people search for them are a hair away from discovering them, an absolutely furious Aizawa just fucking waltzes in with the fucking president (All-Might for this AU) to demand his student back.

Now at this point, the agency has no actual proof of alien life. They have half connected incidents and eyewitness reports, but nothing definitive. When they took Katsuki into custody, they’d tested him immediately, sure that they were going to get their proof that way, but since Katsuki no longer has Izuku, the tests all came back negative. As such they have no real justification for having basically kidnapped him.

The agent guy or whoever has been chasing them tries to justify themselves by offering proof of 'Izuku' existence, specifically recordings of Katsuki talking to himself and referring to an ‘Izuku’ as well as written notes. Aizawa's responds that he was already aware of Izuku, that Katsuki had already discussed the other with him, and that he cannot believe they've detained a 16 year old on account of him having multiple personalities. All-Might backs Aizawa up, and shuts down the entire thing as there’s no evidence they’ve done anything but harass Katsuki.

That leaves the agents shit out of luck, so they have to let Katsuki go. The other kids sneak out the way they came in, before quietly joining Aizawa and Katsuki. Aizawa waits until everyone is outside and out of range of any cameras, and then he just turns on the entire group.

"Okay, so first of all, I'm extremely disappointed that you four decided to break into a government agency with armed guards before so much as texting me."

"I'm so sorry sir."

"We could've thought that through a little better, I'll admit."

"Katsuki was in trouble, but yeah, I guess we could've asked for help."

"I stand by what I did and I'd do it again."

Aizawa, actively chooses to ignore Shouto's comment for right now, but does still glare at him for it.

"Second of all, that man may be a fool, but I am not. Where's the alien?”

Everyone's quiet for a tense moment before Izuku makes his choice and pokes his head out from Shouto, introducing himself politely.

After getting a full explanation on what happened, Aizawa gives Katsuki a Look (tm) to which Katsuki defends himself.

“Listen, I did not lie, I just purposefully omitted that the person living in my body is also an actual alien from outer space.”

And Aizawa can’t really argue with that, so he just accepts that his class has an extra student in it from now on.

They let the rest of class 1-A in on the Izuku secret, since a lot of them had been coming close to figuring it out anyways, and so the entire class slowly adjusts to having an alien as one of them. It’s surprisingly easy to come to terms with, and as Izuku slowly starts coming out of his shell (ie hiding inside Katsuki whenever someone tries to talk to him), the entire class discovers he’s a total sweetheart & adore him.

[celestial-violencia]

Shadow WORK for a Reason

An essay on the absolute lack of self-awareness and staunch refusal to better oneself in the spiritual community by a frustrated and tired Kat who has had enough of your excuse bullshit

PART ONE: BASICS

What is shadow work?            Shadow work is taking responsibility for and dealing with your shortcomings (Yes, everyone has shortcomings, welcome to being human). It is addressing the shadow self, things that we have repressed or things that have resulted in internalized negativity, and identifying and making changes to our behaviors and reactions by using cognizant behavioral techniques.

What isn’t shadow work?            Shadow work is not spiritual bypassing, removing responsibility from yourself for your actions, pretending you don’t have anything to work on, making excuses, using toxic positivity to avoid facing your shadow self, etc.

Who is shadow work for?            Literally everyone. There is no limit. Are you cognizant of yourself? Congratulations, you qualify for shadow work! Take a medal and start putting in work.

What does shadow work entail?            Shadow work can be done in many different ways. Journal prompts, guided meditation, therapy, cognitive behavioral techniques and exercises, pretty much anything that enables you to look at and honestly assess traits in yourself, where you need to change, and ways to apply those changes. It entails actively working on yourself. It is an on-going process that does not end. You are never perfect. But you are better than you were and that is what matters.

PART TWO: SOCIAL CONFORMITIES AND SHADOW WORK

Over time, I have seen an absolute lack of work in shadow work. Excuses range from “ableism” to toxic positivity to refusal to admit a fear of change to overcome it. People are so averse to shadow work that the thought of taking a look at your actions and changing is considered “negative” and not allowed in people’s “safe spaces.” The current social trend seems to be coddling people from change because of toxic positivity or the groupthink of “If they change, I should be changing, and I don’t want to,” whether people will admit it or not. People get comfortable in their misery, want other people to be miserable, and/or even manipulate their lack of change to milk sympathy from others and refuse to look in themselves and see it for what it is. However, that’s still toxic, and whether they lack the self-awareness to see it doesn’t change what their behavior is. They want to change, but they just can’t. Well, I can’t with the excuses, period dot amen as my old religious studies teacher would say. The bottom line is, if you want change, you need to put in work. If toxic negativity is affecting you, it is not enough to go to a therapist, cry for an hour, and then go right back to the same behaviors that got you to that therapist in the first place. Does this mean that shadow work is instantaneous? NO. It is a lifelong process. But what matters is that you are constantly making progress. You can have bad days. You can have slip ups. We are human. But the overall trend of the graph should be upwards. I am not perfect. None of us are. Shadow work is not a safe space for you to hide from your responsibilities, negative traits, and negative behaviors and quite frankly? That safe space shouldn’t exist. Shadow work is 100% necessary. Now we’re going to break down excuses people like to cling to as if they’re lifelines while nope, they’re still drowning.

PART THREE: COMMON EXCUSES AND WHY THEY’RE BULLSHIT

“Ableism”/Victim-Blaming I can’t count how many times the word “ableism” has been thrown around as an excuse for not doing shadow work or working on yourself, along with “victim-blaming.” To start, you’re using the word ableism wrong. Shadow work does not require you to be physically able. Shadow work does not require you to be neurotypical. Shadow work does not require anything except the ability to know yourself. Mental illness, while it can add additional challenges, is not an excuse to avoid shadow work. If you are cognizant of yourself, once again, congratulations! Shadow work is for you. Shadow work is for people who have been victimized too, folks. You know what’s disempowering? Perpetual victimhood. You know what’s empowering? Giving people who have been victimized tools to establish healthy boundaries, recognize toxic behaviors, and provide ways to heal and break the cycle of perpetual victimhood. Looking at what part your own actions may have played in allowing people who are toxic to stay in your life is not blaming the victim. It is helping them realize where they should have drawn the line, how to draw that line, and how to maintain healthy boundaries for what they deem to be toxic in their lives. Does that mean it was their fault they were targeted by a toxic person? NO. But it allows them to find ways to keep the toxic people at bay. It is protection. It is giving them their autonomy back in being able to decide who and what they want in their lives and to heal from their trauma. To call that disempowering or blaming the victim is honestly stupid as fuck.

LALKs and Toxic Positivity            What is a LALK? A Love and Light Karen/Ken/Other-K-name-here. What do LALKs love more than anything else? Toxic positivity. What is toxic positivity you ask? It’s like a team of soccer parents who will never tell you you’re wrong, coddle you, and say things like “It’s fine, sweetie, you’re doing great drowning! Keep it up! Love and light! Spiritually bypass like your life depends on it!” while their eyes twitch and they’re one negative thought away from a total mental breakdown but won’t admit it. Leave this shit at the door. Always being positive is not genuine, it does not help you, and just adds pressure on you that you wouldn’t otherwise have. It can cost you relationships and just lets the shadow grow until it consumes you like some whack horror movie and lets it destroy your life like a town in a superhero movie. Don’t do this.

BUT MUH TRAUMA            “But Kat! I have trauma. Doesn’t that mean I can coddle myself and not put in any work?” Sure, you can take some time to recover but guess what? Shadow work is still necessary for you, too. Some people would argue that trauma makes it more necessary. You may have to take it slower than others because trauma shadow work can involve facing triggers head on, but does that make you exempt? Nope. What would you rather, to integrate and heal your trauma when you’re ready for it? Or keep repressing and denying it until you’re absolutely forced to deal with it and haven’t readied yourself?

NO WAIT I AM TOO SCARED TO CHANGE! DON’T MAKE ME DO THINGS!            Fear is normal. Not wanting to face the uglier parts of ourselves is natural. Letting that fear hold you back is never going to benefit you. Ease your way into it. Fight the fear. Take it a step at a time. Once again, this is a process and not an instant fix. You can take this journey at your own pace. The important thing is you keep moving forward and keep putting in work. Never working on yourself out of fear is just going to force you to do so when you hit rock bottom. Choose your adventure: Go quietly and at your own pace or get dragged through the shadow work spike pit kicking and screaming. I think we both know what the better option is.

PART FOUR: CONCLUSION           Avoiding shadow work is just going to harm you. Perpetually allowing yourself to engage in repetitive behaviors that are toxic to yourself and others because you don’t want to put in work should be illegal (I would say punishable offense, but you’re going to get punished by alienating yourself, etc. when you’re forced to face the consequences of your own actions and how your own toxicity affects others). Holding yourself back out of fear is not going to make you happy in the long run.

DO YOUR SHADOW WORK.

[xxpadfootxx]

Night Terrors & New Beginnings - Part 15 (Bitter Discoveries)

Dakota moved soundlessly through the woods, her paws barely even leaving imprints in the moist forest floor. Her ears were rotating constantly, listening to the sound of the birds whistling their merry tunes into the early morning sky and the rush of water over rocks in a nearby creek. The sun was bright and warm, the rays splattering her black scales with little gold spots as she walked beneath the canopy of tree leaves. Her crystal blue eyes scanned the foliage as she walked, not really sure what or who she was looking for, only that she was searching for something. A small red fox darted in front of her and she paused to watch it, her heartwarming at the sight of the signs of life all around her.

She had never felt freer, she realized as she watched the animal scurry through the underbrush. Her injuries no longer plagued her, her mind felt clear, and she felt totally safe for the first time in her life. She closed her eyes and opened her mouth slightly as a cool breeze danced along her scales and kissed her face lovingly. Suddenly, her eyes snapped open as a familiar smell drifted toward her. The smell was smokey and warm and familiar. Dakota turned her head to see an old familiar face.

Her eyes widened and her mouth parted into the Night Fury version of a smile as she recognized her childhood best friend, a slightly lighter black male Night Fury with bright green eyes that made the foliage around them jealous. Dakota roared in an excited greeting and ran toward her friend, her tongue hanging out of the side of the mouth as she galloped. The male dragon roared back and bounded toward her until they met in the middle, tails wagging and eyes shining.

Dakota had met this dragon when she was just a pup, the two becoming good friends because he was the only Night Fury pup in their pack who was not afraid of her quirk, the only dragon she knew, besides her parents, who did not see her as a monster. He was all grown up now, his wings reaching almost 48 feet long and his body having lengthened to a solid 26 feet long. Despite his growth, the kindness in his eyes still shone through like they always had when he was with her. He purred softly as they nuzzled one another, his ears relaxing against his head and his eyes closing. Dakota also had her eyes closed as she rubbed against his side, her tail swaying gently on the ground so that the short stalks of grass barely tickled her scales. The calming atmosphere was so refreshing and she felt as if she were going to stay there forever, resting with her best friend and never fearing the wrath of man again. The stinging cold of a metal chain wrapping harshly around her back legs and wings yanked her back into reality as she was wrenched to the ground with a yelp. Her best friend cried out and charged after her only to be caught up in the same trap, another set of chains coming out of the shadows to strap his wings to his sides and his legs to his belly. Dakota called out to him in concern before turning to the source of her chains and snarling in fury. Her breath caught in her throat as she saw who held her chains, her eyes widening in complete fear and shock. A man of average height, grayish hair, and lean stature stood at the end of her chains, his hands gripping the metal so hard that his knuckles turned white. His entire body, including the center of his face, contained many different human hands which were all connected by red tube-like straps. He was the one they called Shigaraki. She yelped as he pulled on her a bit, all of the pain from her injuries flaring up all at once at the invasive touch of the metal that constricted her lungs.

“Great catch, Shigarki, these two will be amazing additions to our arsenal, don’t you think?”

“Yes, I think they will prove very useful in the future, Grimmel,” Shigaraki said as another man, the one holding the chains of Dakota’s friend, stepped up opposite the decay villain, his hand running through his graying hair as his face broke into a sinister smile.

“Quickly! Lock them in their cages!” The man named Grimmel called out as a large group of hunters broke through the tree line and marched toward the dragons. Several of them latched onto Dakota’s friend’s chains and began to pull, dragging the poor Night Fury deep into the forest. Dakota cried out to him, her eyes wide as she tried to stretch her wings, break free of her binds with her claws, anything to reach him. Shigaraki suddenly appeared in her line of vision, his face broken by a wicked smile. He leaned down just far enough to keep out of biting range but close enough that Dakota could feel his rancid breath on her face.

“You may have escaped once my precious dragon, and you may have helped your little friend to safety,” Shigaraki said, motioning in the direction where Dakota could still hear the male Night Fury’s roars and cries. “But you can’t stay away forever. You’ll slip up and when you do, me and my buddies will come for you.”

Dakota’s eyes widened and she tried to break free of her restraints by struggling even harder but all she felt was her body start to slide painfully across the unexpectedly sharp forest floor. Dakota turned her head to glance over her body to find that the same people who had taken her best friend were now dragging her to the same fate. She whipped her head around to glance at Shigaraki one last time. The man merely stood with his head slightly tilted, his fingers bending just at the knuckles in a mocking wave. Grimmel came to stand beside Shigaraki and although at first he merely smiled wickedly and watched them go with eyes that almost shone with excitement, he suddenly rushed forward, stopping the efforts of his men to drag Dakota to her prison. The gruff man kneeled down on one knee and held out one hand to cup her cheek. Dakota struggled but couldn’t move much under the control of the chains. She was about to lunge forward at an attempt to bite the man when his eyes grew soft.

“Hey, shhh, shhh… what’s wrong? Dakota?” Dakota shook her head. How did he know her name? “Hey everything is alright, get up, come on Dakota, you’re scaring me.” Dakota didn’t know what to make of Grimmel’s sudden behavior change when she realized that the forest background was starting to blur and fade.

Dakota awoke a panting mess. Her eyes were blown wide and her breathing was much faster than it was supposed to be. She launched into a sitting position, keeping her head down and her tongue out as she tried to calm herself down.

“Dakota? What’s going on? Are you okay?”

Dakota flinched involuntarily as a gentle hand rested itself on her shoulder. That same hand retracted just slightly when she flinched but then resettled on that spot of her shoulder, the fingers lightly stroking her fur.

“Hey, it was just a bad dream, you will feel better in a moment! Do you want some water?”

Dakota turned her head slightly and felt her body relax a little once she saw Izuku, his eyes shining with worry as he studied her. He raised his hand up from her shoulder and moved it to her head where he was able to scratch behind her ears.

“Take it easy, okay girl? I know we have been doing a lot and I’ve been stressed about the Sports Festival but soon all of this hectic scheduling will start to even out a little, okay? I promise, but in the meantime, I need you to stay healthy which means getting quality sleep.”

Dakota felt her breathing begin to move back to normal, her heartbeat starting to slow as she listened to Izuku. She closed her eyes and allowed herself to relax into the movements of his gentle touch as he stroked her soft black fur.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Izuku asked in a soft whisper.

Dakota hesitated. She didn’t know if she wanted to relive her dream, but the images from her dream were already starting to fade and she didn’t want to miss the opportunity to share a piece of herself with the boy that she was finally starting to trust.

“It’s alright,” Izuku said after a moment of her hesitated silence. “We can talk about it when you’re ready, I don’t want to rush anything, especially if it is a scary topic. I have to leave for school but do you want to meet up at Fumihiro’s place after school?”

Dakota nodded and nuzzled his hand before following him out to the kitchen to get breakfast.

____________________________________________

Izuku, Ochako, and Iida all decided after their difficult training and classes to spend their lunch sitting, just the three of them, outside on a solitary bench in the courtyard. They just wanted to catch up and pretend, for just a moment, that they are just normal teenagers rather than students competing to become the best heroes. The three friends joked around and talked, the conversation coming to a peak when Ochako said a joke just as Izuku took a swig of his water, resulting in a flustered Izuku apologizing profusely to a laughing Ochako who was covered in water.

“I am so so sorry!” Izuku said for the hundredth time, trying to wipe his friend down with a small cloth Iida had passed to him. “I can’t believe I just did that!”

“Deku, it’s totally fine! It was my fault for saying the punch line just as you took a drink! Are you okay?” Ochako said, batting his hand away.

“Am I okay? I’m fine, mortified, but fine! Are you okay? I just spit water all over you!”

“It’s just water Deku,” Ochako laughed and finished wiping herself off as much as she could.

“Do you want to splash me with water? Here, I have my water bottle with me! Why don’t you get me back!”

“How would that help anyone?”

“Just do it! I feel so bad!”

“No, Deku, that will only make things worse!”

Suddenly both flustered teens shrieked in shock as water splashed over the both of them. The pair looked up to find Iida watching them with a stern look, his own now empty water bottle sitting in his hand with the opened top pointed right at them.

“Well, you two wouldn’t stop arguing so I decided to settle it myself,” Iida said in complete seriousness. Izuku and Ochako stared at him owlishly for a moment before all three of them burst out laughing. Ochako then launched behind Izuku and grabbed his water bottle, turning and tossing water onto Iida in return.

“Gahhh!” Iida cried out as he shot into a standing position, flailing around in some kind of dance to get rid of the water that was sliding down his arms and legs and dripping off of his hair.

Izuku and Ochako couldn’t stop laughing even when Iida playfully glared at them, readjusting his glasses and attempting to reorganize his uniform. That was when Izuku noticed his phone was ringing in the side pocket of his backpack. He leaned down and answered it, motioning to his friends that he’d be back in a moment. It was Fumihiro.

“Midoriya?”

“Yeah Fumihiro sir, what’s going on?”

“Did something happen with Dakota last night?”

“She had a nightmare but other than that she seemed fine. Nothing happened to my knowledge, why?”

“Because she has been acting all skittish and strange today. She has been outside in the sanctuary with all of the other dragons, and she seems to get along pretty well with them, more than I thought to be honest, but she is starting to worry me. I’ve already contacted the school to have you signed out, do you mind coming over here to check on her and figure out what’s wrong? She won’t come anywhere near me.”

“Uh, sure! Of course, I’ll come over! Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be there soon!”

“See you in a bit, kid.”

His phone beeped as Fumihiro hung up the phone. Izuku stuffed the device in his pocket and jogged up to his friends. He hated lying to them but knowing he could never tell them the truth, he started to formulate a story in his head.

“Hey guys, my mom called and said that I have to come home for something urgent. She wasn’t clear on what it was but I have to head home, I’ll see you guys tomorrow, alright?”

“Oh, okay Midoriya,” Iida said, his face tilting slightly in concern. “I hope whatever it is isn’t too bad of news.”

“Thanks, Iida, I promise I’ll be back tomorrow to update you guys! Bye!”

Izuku jogged off in the direction of the school to leave and both Iida and Ochako watched him go. Iida sighed and turned to pick up his things but Ochako continued to watch Izuku, her eyes slightly narrowed as she observed her friend.

“Iida, do you maybe get the feeling that Deku is hiding something?”

Iida sat up and thought for a minute, turning the idea around in his head.

“Well, I do think it is rather sudden that he had to leave but it makes sense if it is something wrong. I don’t think his mother would lie to get him out of school unless it was something super serious and I don’t think Midoriya would either. He wants to be a hero more than anyone, I don’t see him as the kind of person who would throw away his dreams for playing hooky or something.”

“Yeah… I guess you’re right,” Ochako said, glancing at the doors that Izuku had disappeared through just moments ago. “I don’t want to believe that he’s lying to us but something just feels weird about his behavior.”

“Really? I don’t feel anything strange about this. Maybe you just aren’t feeling very well today, just trust him,” Iida said.

“Alright, I’ll do that, thanks, Iida.”

“Of course! Now come on, let’s get back to class before we are late.”

“Iida, we have like fifteen minutes before class starts again!” Ochako argued light-heartedly.

“I know! But remember, being on time is late and being early is on time!” Iida said brightly, grabbing his bag and marching towards the doors with Ochako following a little less energetically behind him.

Even as she made her way to her desk and waited for the bell to signal the start of class, Ochako could not shake that weird feeling about Izuku. At first, she had thought that she was just feeling strange due to her crush on Izuku, that despite her tireless efforts to shove them deep down into the depths of her mind, her feelings were just resurfacing and causing trouble. But then after today, she just couldn’t let it go. Something else was going on and she was going to figure it out.

_____________________________________

Ochako tried to cool her nerves as the train pulled to a stop at the station. She was not usually one to meddle in other people’s affairs but she just couldn’t let this one go. Her friend had seemed so distressed and it had been like that for weeks, she just couldn’t take it anymore. She had already gone to his house with a basket of muffins she had made at home, just to cheer him up to find that he wasn’t there. His mother had kindly given her an address with a beaming smile, telling her happily that Izuku was out training. Ochako didn’t know what to make of the situation, the fact that his mother either didn’t seem to know that something bad had happened or if she was playing dumb, but Ochako shook off her weird jitters and thanked her with a smile. The address that Inko Midoriya had given her had taken Ochako to the outskirts of town, just past the hero school. She had never even known this was here, so she looked around her in interest as she stepped off the platform and made her way to a huge forest of pines.

The paths were long and winding, the huge trees spreading out above her like a spotted blanket, the sunspots dotting her hair and warming her skin. She walked for a long time through the forest, eventually starting to doubt that she was even going the right way. She glanced at the sheet of paper again, carefully tracing the diagram Inko had drawn for her, with her finger. Ochako then looked up and glanced around her, searching for the little cottage that was supposed to be nestled in the trees.

“Where..?”

A loud, sharp roar made her jump out of her skin and dash for the nearest tree, her back pressed against the bark and her hand covering her mouth to keep her rushed breathing from being heard. She closed her eyes tightly, forcing herself to gather her courage.

“W-whoa!”

Ochako’s eyes flew open as Izuku’s familiar voice sounded out across the area. Her friend was there. He was being attacked out here all alone. Her skin paled and her sweat seemed to freeze on her skin. The dragon. She didn’t have to look to know. The dragon that had attacked her friend those few months ago had come back for its prey, to finish what it had started. Ochako had completely forgotten about the need to keep Izuku from being out on his own due to the dragon. The hero course had just been so demanding, and he never talked about the dragon so it had stopped crossing her mind. She was reminded of it now though as she heard a sickening crunch. She squeaked as the sound resonated in her ears, Izuku’s groan of pain following soon after. She internally screamed at her legs to move, to do something to help her friend. She was a hero in training, she could do this. Leaning down carefully, she set down her basket of muffins and grasped a particularly sharp stick from the ground. She knew she wouldn’t be able to do much damage, but she could at least distract it.

“AH! Shit!” Ochako heard Izuku cry out as another thud made her heart drop.

“No, no, no, no, you need to work harder!” Ochako froze as she heard the sound of a deeper, older male voice from around the tree. “You won’t do more than tenderize the boy if you keep going about it that way! You need to get him as high up off of the ground for it to effective, stop holding back!”

An accomplice. A god damn accomplice. That dragon was conspiring with a man to kill Izuku.

“Come on! Get him to stay where he is!” The man yelled and Ochako heard the dragon growl low in its throat before Izuku let out another pained squeak.

Finally, making up her mind, Ochako took a deep breath and darted from behind one tree to behind another one, making sure to remain undetected as she moved. She held her breath for a moment but nobody from the clearing made any indication that they had seen or heard her.

“Help! Ahh!” Izuku suddenly called and Ochako heard yet another loud thump on the ground.

“Nobody is coming to help you, kid. You are on your own in this, not even she can help you,” the other man’s voice said. Ochako, who had moved down two more trees since the conversation started, froze, fearing that the man was referring to her. There was no way, who else would he be referring to? She waited with her eyes tightly closed, waiting for the inevitable sound of wings flapping and an angry roar. She waited for the feeling of teeth sinking into her flesh. But nothing came. She opened one eye slowly, and then released a breath she didn’t even know she had been holding when she found the forest looking back at her rather than the inside of a dragon’s mouth.

Another thud.

They were toying with him. Throwing him around like a rag doll. Even if they knew she was there, all that stupid lizard cared about was playing with her prey until he died a painful, torturously slow death. Anger boiled in her blood and her vision blurred until all she could see was red when she swung around from behind the tree and leaped onto the man, her stick clutched in both of her fists so that she could bar his throat with it.

“What the-!” The man choked as the stick hit his jugular. Ochako ignored the pain she caused him and released the stick with one hand, using her finger pads to send the man into the air but only after she had managed to wrench the sword he had been holding from his grasp. The man floated into the air with a confused yell but Ochako didn’t even look at him as she made a mad dash for her friend who was laying bruised on the ground.

“DEKU!” Ochako shouted as she skidded to a halt at his side. She knew that the dragon would reach them quickly so she didn’t hesitate to press her fingers to her friend’s body, making him weightless. Once gravity released its hold on her friend, Ochako snatched his arm and pounded toward the trees, her legs screaming as she rushed for cover, dragging her friend through the air behind her.

“U-Uraraka!?”

“Hold on, Deku! We are almost there!” Her hair whipped her face and the rate of her breathing was beginning to burn her throat but she kept going, forcing herself to run as fast as possible through the foliage.

Ochako didn’t even hear the sound of beating wings, didn’t even know the dragon was there until the beast dashed in front of her, its wings raised above its back menacingly and its jaws parted in a vicious snarl. Ochako managed to scramble to a halt before she landed right in the dragon’s mouth but her traitorous feet slipped on the foliage below her shoes and sent her sliding back onto her butt. She leaped to her feet and faced the beast, her arms held out to protect Izuku, who was still floating behind her.

“Deku! I’m sorry, I tried, I really tried!” Ochako now berated herself. Nobody else was coming to help. She should’ve at least called someone once she realized how bad the situation was. What the hell was she thinking trying to take down a dragon all on her own?

“Ochako! You need to let me down!” Izuku said in a panicked voice.

“But you’re hurt!”

“I’m okay, I promise! But you need help, please let me down and let me explain.”

“Expain…?”

The jet black dragon suddenly let out a loud roar and Ochako jumped to place her fingers together, leading Izuku to drop down with a thump behind her, landing on his feet. Ochako got into a fighting stance, waiting for Izuku to do the same beside her when he did something she did not expect. Izuku jumped in front of Ochako and sprinted toward the dragon, halting just in front of it and holding out his palm to its muzzle. Ochako went to charge after him but Izuku’s other arm shot out and he held her at bay with his palm out toward her. The dragon growled and tried to move toward Ochako, raising up so that it was standing on its hind legs, but Izuku moved his body in the way, his gaze piercing.

“Hey, hey! Dakota! Shhhhh, easy girl, calm down, it’s just Uraraka! She won’t hurt you, I promise! Remember? She was the one who got you to warm up to people. She was the first one to pet you!” The dragon’s eyes widened and she lowered back onto all four paws, her growl dying on her tongue until it was a low, rumbling purr.

“Yeah, that’s it. Good girl, nice and easy,” Izuku reached out and touched his palm to the dragon’s nose as he spoke. The dragon closed her eyes and purred as soon as his hand touched her, her wings lowering and resituating until they were tucked neatly at her sides. After a moment, the great beast even sat down on the forest floor, her purrs getting louder and her tail even beginning to wag as Izuku moved his hand to scratch under her chin.

Ochako’s breathing was still ripping at her throat, her eyes wide and her mind spinning. What the hell was she seeing right now!? The dragon who tortured and attacked her friend was now sitting here like a dog, and Izuku wasn’t running away or screaming in terror! He was sitting there scratching her and looking at her as if she were his pet.

“Wh- Wh- Wh-” Ochako cleared her throat and closed her eyes, forcing herself to clear her mind. “What is going on, Deku? Wh- When d-did you learn how to do this? H-how did you-”

“Oh! Um, U-Uraraka, um, I can explain, I promise-”

But Izuku never got through his sentence. Ochako looked up at the huge dragon before her and made a decision. Izuku had been brainwashed by this beast and although she knew she had to help him, now was not the time. She had no back-up, no weapons, nothing. She also knew that she couldn’t fight them on her own. Izuku maybe, if she got close enough to make him float, but the dragon as well? Her quirk would be useless to a creature who could use wings to push itself around through the air and she had no idea if this giant lizard had a quirk which was entirely possible. Secretly, behind her back, Ochako pressed her fingers to her clothes, making them weightless on her body. As soon as she was sure her quirk was in effect, she bolted, sprinting through the forest and zigzagging through the trees so that the dragon could not swoop in and catch her from above.

“Uraraka!” She heard Izuku call out, but she ignored him and kept on running until she was far away from the cottage in the forest and headed toward the train station.

“Shit!” Izuku whispered and made to run after her when a hand gripped his shoulder.

“Fumihiro, sir!”

“Leave her be. She won’t listen when she is panicked like that. She probably thinks you have been brainwashed or something. She will only see what she wants to see if you chase her. You don’t want her to be scared of her, do you?”

“Of course not,” Izuku said dejectedly.

“Good, then maybe figure out with your dragon a better way to talk to your friend. Preferably sooner rather than later, we don’t want her creating some sort of resistance to “save” you. She is a strong girl, she could be a valuable asset if you manage to convince her that you are not some sort of demon dragon puppet.”

“Alright, I will. Thank you, sir,” Izuku said, bowing to his teacher.

Fumihiro nodded, a slight bruise beginning to bubble up onto the surface of his skin where Ochako had choked him. He then spun on his heel and made his way back into his cottage, the door shutting loudly behind him.

Izuku sighed and turned to face his dragon who was sitting on her haunches with her head tilted to the side.

“Well? What do you think we should do?” Izuku asked with a sigh. “I really don’t want to mess this up, she is my best friend.”

Dakota moved back onto all four paws and stood up, moving beside Izuku to nuzzle his shoulder affectionately.

“You won’t,” Dakota said softly through their bond. “I have an idea.”

__________________________________

Ochako slammed the door to her apartment shut as soon as she had gotten in unlocked and shot inside. She leaned against the cool wood, her heartbeat practically vibrating and her breathing tearing at her throat like claws. She was starting to get light-headed, she knew she had to calm herself down but her nerves were alight with adrenaline.

“D-Deku…”

Ochako finally managed to slow down her breathing after closing her eyes and forcing herself to count five slow seconds in between each breath. She didn’t open her eyes until her breathing was relatively back to normal and her heart was no longer hammering like a hummingbird stuck in a cage.

“Deku is stuck w-with a d-dragon,”

For the first time in a long time, Ochako was glad that she lived alone, her parents living on the other side of town due to their jobs regarding their construction company. She was able to focus on the issue at hand rather than having to explain herself to a bunch of berating questions. Ochako finally pushed herself away from the door and made her way to the couch, pulling out her phone in the process. She dialed Iida and held the phone up to her ear, but as soon as he answered, she hung up. She couldn’t call Iida, she realized. She couldn’t call anyone. 

If Izuku really was trapped by this thing, she had to keep it a secret, just like he has up until this point. Otherwise, they might try to kill the dragon, injuring or even killing Izuku in the process. She had to think of a solution on her own. She stood up and paced in front of the couch, going through a variety of solutions as they popped up in her head, each one more ridiculous than the last. She ran her hands through her hair, her fingers scratching at her scalp absentmindedly as she thought. 

After almost half an hour of thinking, Ochako collapsed back onto the couch with a groan, her list of discarded ideas increasing by the minute. She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to form at least some kind of plan. She wanted so desperately to call someone, to tell them what was going on but she knew she couldn’t do that. And if she was being honest with herself, she normally would have called Izuku for this sort of thing which was obviously not an option. 

She was about ready to scream in frustration when a bout of loud, hurried knocking on her front door halted her train of thought as if it had hit a brick wall. Ochako froze and watched her door with bated breath and wide eyes. The knocking sounded again, more persistent this time.

“Uraraka! It’s me, Deku! I know we had a rough start a little while ago but I really need your help!”

Ochako placed a hand over her mouth and bit her tongue to keep from responding, tears pricking at her eyes and her heart longing to reach out to her friend.

“I-I know you have no reason to trust me right now but I really care about you and so I want to explain. The dragon that you saw earlier is good, she never meant to hurt me and has been a friend of mine for a while now. I know you probably won’t believe me but right now, that dragon is in serious trouble!”

Ochako stumbled backward a few steps, her hand reaching behind her for the back of the sofa. She was trying to stabilize herself, to keep herself from falling for what was probably some sort of trick to get her to walk within capturing distance of Izuku’s possessed grasp.

“Ochako.” 

Ochako gasped slightly at the use of her first name. 

“Please. I know you probably think I am being controlled or something but in reality, this dragon is the most compassionate creature I have ever met. I really need your help, she is in serious danger and you are the only one I can go to right now for help. Please, you�� you are my only hope.”

Ochako didn’t even realize she had moved until she found herself at the door. In her right hand, she held a knife that she had grabbed from the kitchen table and with her left, she held the doorknob, her muscles tensed to open the door. Even with the knife, Ochako knew she wouldn’t have very much of a chance if this was a trick but something about Izuku’s plea had struck a chord in her. She took a deep breath, shoved down the last of her doubts, and opened the door.

[genomynt]

A birthday fic for Cosette!! 😳👉🏻👈🏻

Reiju stretched from her soft fleece pink sheets and yawned. It was six in the morning and the following day on her calendar was marked red.

“Oh my,” she blinked. It is Cosette’s birthday.

She is known for being strict, yet a thoughtful Princess to her subordinates unlike her brothers. Reiju loves being casual when she’s alone with them and likes having a small talk when she would make rounds to the staff and chat with them. It seems everything is fine when Reiju is around; they could forgot for a moment how brute and abrasive the Vinsmoke family is when she is hiding her pretentious angelic behavior from them.

The morning starts the usual. Breakfast is served at seven and it was Cosette’s time to serve their meals on the tables. She meekly stood by the corner as she watches them enjoying her dishes that she worked her blood and sweat so early in the morning. Cosette could hear the Vinsmokes talking about their missions and their current agenda to work on with their mouths full or crumbs on her face; well, except for the first two children.

Cosette is one of the employees that Reiju has been observing since Niji’s abrupt and unacceptable behavior to her. Cosette is a fragile woman these days, and she is needs to be monitored often by their doctors. She had fractures from different parts of her body; including the most important part: Her hands. She is healing, but not as fast like them since she is indeed just a normal human being.

Cosette later heads to the kitchen with a tin cart of the used place in her hands for her convenience and opens the huge door. The heat from the steams of pots and cobblers blew on her face as the cling-clanging of the pans against the stove rang her ears. She heads to the sink to prepares washing the dishes when she noticed a small paper under Reiju’s teacup.

A few minutes later, she waited for them to finish as she collects their gold-engraved porcelain platters. She noticed that the princes’ plates did left some untouched food. She sighed from the looks of it; maybe she should start giving them with fewer servings? That would save a lot of money and food on their stocks. Among the plates she had gathered, Reiju had the cleanest one. She left her plates stocked and her teacup placed upside down and her utensils at the top on the plates. She really admires her sincerity.

She blinked at the note and kept on her pocket. What could miss Reiju want at this time of hour? She never remembered Reiju asking for a midnight snack. She is informed that her mistress always sleep at the right hours and follows a healthy sleeping routine.

Cosette was still in her uniform, but her hair was untied. She did not have the time to fix herself since she was a too sleepy to groom herself. She walks down the dark halls of the castle with a small lamp on her hand.

Kitchen. 1 AM. Don’t be late. –R

She made a few knocks before she enters the kitchen, “Your highness?” she narrowed her eyes at the faint light from the kitchen counter.

“Happy Birthday, Cosette!” Reiju smiled as the candles on the cake beamed her flawless face.

“M-Milady! I…” Cosette was out of words as she approaches the excited princess by the counter. “You shouldn’t have.”

“Oh, this is nothing!” Reiju flips her hand, “I actually asked a favor from your sous-chef to let me borrow your kitchen for your birthday and made you these.” She proudly showed the soft sponge Red Velvet cake with gold candy drops for decoration on each swirl of icing. There was a bottle of red wine and two plates of Chicken Alfredo Pasta.

“I hope you’ll love them,” Reiju tried to avert her eyes from Cosette. “I actually read this recipe I borrowed from one of the chefs. It’s—it’s not presentable, I know.” She bit her lips and lowers her head. Cosette never saw the Princess being embarrassed like this before. She was surprised that she is still wearing a dirtied apron, and she could tell that she worked so hard for it.

“Ooh, I-I love it Miss Reiju!” she stammered. Her face flushed into a light shade of pink, “I’m so happy, your highness. You really made my day special.”

“No formalities for tonight, Cosette. You may call me Reiju,” she smiled at her. “Here, taste it,” she rolls a few pastas on the fork to feed the bewildered Cosette. She was hesitant to open her mouth for a moment, “Taste it!” she repeated as Cosette finally tucks her locks of hair before opening her mouth.

Reiju really put an effort on her dish; she chooses the right spices, the creaminess of the sauce is balanced with saltiness and sweetness. The texture of the chicken on her tongue is juicy and well cooked. The pasta was soft and were smooth in her mouth.

“Mmm,” Cosette wipes the sauce on her lips with her finger, “It’s really good milady—I mean, Re-Reiju,” she stammered at her new calling to the Princess.

Niji cannot end his day without tasting a glass of scotch.

It was 1:30 in the morning and the halls were emptied from the wandering employees; there were no guards since they have surveillance cameras on every corners of their castle.

His steps were approaching the kitchen, but he halted when he heard someone talking— more like giggling. The door was slightly agape and there was a faint light inside. He slowly paced to the kitchen door and prepares to emit electricity from his hand when he heard his name from the other side of the door.

“… to apologize for Niji’s unruly behavior from you. I promise it won’t happen again and, I also understand if you want to resign,” the voice sounded familiar.

“Oh, Reiju.”

So it was his sister.

“I- I can’t totally blame him from what happened. But I really do fear him as much as I pity him,” the voice changed into a soft, yet a slightly higher pitch. Niji knew he had heard this voice somewhere. It came from a pleading wench, but this time, it was calm and reassuring.

Who the hell would pity a Vinsmoke? Why should they be pitied for their advancements and their tremendous prowess in science and technology? His jaw clenched and fisted from the insult. He was ready to interrupt the conversation.

“What I know is that your brothers didn’t deserve to be monsters in the first place as to what they are now,” the voice added. “They were modified without your mother’s consent as what you have told me.”

Surprisingly, Niji was calmed from the statement. He chewed on his lips and leans on the cold walls of the hall and crossed her arms to listen at the rest of the story.

“Don’t worry Reiju, I won’t resign. I’d be putting myself on the line to serve you with the best of what I can.”

No formalities? The audacity. He glanced a peek to know who was talking.

“I’m so glad to have you here, Cosette.” Niji saw his sister hugging another woman. “Happy birthday, dear Cosette!”

“Ah,” Niji uncrossed his arms and sighed, “It’s the cooking wench’s birthday today.” He turned back and decided to skip a night without his scotch.

[abcd-adventures]

Are End of Year Resolutions a Thing?

Well, they’re going to be for me this year.  I am getting quite annoyed at this point by these last 8 pounds that are refusing to leave.  B is almost six months old.  It’s time for them to go.  I know perfectly well why they’re not. . .and I keep telling myself that I’m going to modify my behavior.  Buuuut, then I don’t.  *eye roll* 

I’m sure we’ve all heard the whole “21 Day Rule” about forming a new habit.  But, that’s actually bull. . ., as this article helpfully points out.  According to the most frequently cited study I found, it actually takes an average of 66 days to create a new habit and the range for the subjects was between 18 to 254 days!!!  Well, there are 61 days left in 2019. . .so I’m hoping I can prove myself slightly above average. *fingers crossed*

I actually eat quite well almost all day--especially during the week when it’s just me and B during the day.  However, my family likes to snack after dinner, and I have fallen into the habit of joining them, and my snack choices have not been ideal.  So, all the progress I make eating healthy throughout the day is out the window at night.  And, we all know working out is great, but if you eat six snack size bags of Skittles (holy FORK those things are awful for you), it doesn’t matter if you worked out for an hour because all those burned calories are back (probably and then some).  *sigh*  I mean, the Skittles thing was a one-time Halloween disaster, but still.  I am not snacking on the snack-size bags of carrots that are in the fridge on a normal night either. . .

Annnnnnyway, so my goal is to lose those eight pounds by the end of the year.  And, yes, maybe that’s crazy to try to do over the holidays, but we’re not doing anything huge for the holidays this year, and I don’t actually tend to overeat on the holidays anyway. . .minus the mashed potatoes (which I love all times of year), I don’t care that much for the standard holiday food anyway.  I went back and forth on setting an actual weight goal, because I don’t want to be obsessed with my weight, but I think eight pounds is attainable, reasonable, and better for me.  So, we’ll see.  If I take up any unhealthy behaviors, I’ll reassess. So, the goals are:

Lose 8 lbs by December 31st

No snacking after 7pm and only veggie snacks after dinner.  (I can totally calm myself with peppermint chamomile tea, and need to start doing that.)

Gym at least three times a week

Minimum of 5,000 steps per day  (I easily get more than that typically. . .but sometimes when it gets really cold I have to force myself to move, so I’m adding this to the list.)  Also, 10,000 always stressed me out for a daily goal, and after reading this article, I feel better about setting a more reasonable daily goal.  Also, my fitbit really cheats me when I’m pushing a stroller or grocery cart, so I know I really get more steps than are recorded regularly anyway!     

[soccermoon9-blog]

Cryopen.

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Content

visit Times.

Cryo Consoles.

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Inch Loss treatment.

healing Time.

It is best to consult from your physician if you have a medical problem in situation cryolipolysis abdomen treatment is not safe, for instance in those with Raynaud's syndrome, stomach psoriasis or Liver disease C. It is a good idea to prevent any kind of blood-thinning medicines such as aspirin as well as any alcohol before the procedure.

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appointment Times.

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Although cryolipolysis treatment is a low-risk non-invasive treatment, some individuals may experience light bruising, minor swelling, inflammation, itching or sensitivity-- these adverse effects are short-lived and also short-term. In really uncommon situations, a response called panniculitis might happen where the fat tissue hardens. Nevertheless, our highly qualified medical group at ICE AESTHETIC minimise these dangers by performing a comprehensive assessment prior to enabling therapy.

Outcomes differ relying on several factors, for example, the density of the fat, and the size of the area been dealt with. Results take 6-- 12 weeks with some customers seeing outcomes within 4 weeks post-treatment. The fat freezing treatment entails regulated cooling within the temperature level range of below-- 9 ° C.

Can I shower after cryotherapy?

No, you don't. This procedure is absolutely dry and does not make your skin wet.

Lipids from the fat cells are gradually launched as well as transported by the lymphatic system to be processed and eliminated, resulting in a decrease of fat. Fat cells are flushed out of the body as pee as well as it is consequently vital to dink great deals of water after your therapy. While normal applicators cool down from 2 sides, the 360 fat freeze applicators freeze the entire area, hence destroying extra fat and also targeting areas hard to treat with common applicators. The 360 applicator is guaranteed to damage more fat cells in a solitary Cryolipolysis session than standard applicators.

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How often should you do cryotherapy for weight loss?

Many participants find that to maintain these benefits, they need to do cryotherapy 2-3 times a week. Depending on the person and the condition being treated, it could take seven to ten treatments initially. After this initial loading period, maintenance treatments should be once or twice per week.

Outcomes are really localized to the treatment site, with little effect on skin laxity, as well as slow lymphatic drain. The performance of fat freezing can boil down to the individual in a lot of instances, yet there is no question that the method has proved an important means to take on weight problems for some, winning fans throughout the world. Schedule yourself in for an examination with our fat freezing Newcastle experts as well as uncover how it can aid you to crack the weight-loss code. The same concept was after that applied to other areas of the body in order to stimulate fat loss, using a reduced temperature level of about -40 levels. This can use the 'popsicle impact' without damaging the skin, or nearby body organs. In many cases, a little degree of hurting or stinging has been reported at the treatment website.

How many cryotherapy sessions does it take to see results?

Like many common wellness treatments, cryotherapy will start to deliver results after repeat treatments. On average, it takes clients 8 – 10 sessions to feel a noticeable difference and see results.

You will certainly be asked if you more than happy for your images to be taken, body measurements as well as weight for result recommendations. When this is total, we will place you comfortably on the couch, where you will continue to be throughout of the treatment. A cooling gel membrane will certainly after that be placed onto the location of treatment, quickly followed by the CoolTech suction head itself.

This could include incorporating our fat burning program along with our series of body therapies as you obtain closer to your wanted weight. Many thanks to our variety of therapies, also if you are not ideal for fat freezing, we can design a bespoke therapy program customized to meet your needs, whatever your type of body.

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This ruins the fat cells through an all-natural procedure called apoptosis, various other cells are not as conscious fat freezing and also are therefore untouched. As the fat cells are ruined they leave the body through the lymphatic system. Therefore there is an average reduction of the density of the fat layer in the region of 25%-- 40%.

How cold is cryo chamber?

Cryotherapy temperatures 101: We all know that cryo is cold – but just how cold does a cryotherapy session get? “True https://www.openlearning.com/u/airbuswaste9/blog/FemiwandGenitalTighteningVivoClinic between -90 degrees Celsius and -120 degrees Celsius – therefore the Impact Cryotherapy cryosauna is designed to produce sessions within that range.

With advanced temperature control and also bigger surface area, the 360 applicator can create far better lead to fewer sessions. RT Aesthetic appeals are presently the only facility in Newcastle & North East to offer this breakthrough technology, offering you far better results for the same price as our competitors. Generally a client will certainly lose 30% of the fat in the targeted area per treatment.

recovery Time.

In our experience, the treatment is a great factor to start improving your workout and also eating behaviors to ensure that you can be certain to accomplish optimal results. The pain-free and milder alternative to lipo, Fat-Freezing innovation is related to the picked area of the body to kill the fat cells. It's especially preferred with persistent locations of fat such as the reduced abdominal area, the back, internal thighs and also even under the chin, locations which may collect unwanted fat gradually and also are the hardest to budge with exercise. You can anticipate a thickness reduction of 10% to 35% with one therapy. If additional sculpting is needed, this is not typically performed in the exact same location up until after 12 weeks article treatment to stay clear of refreezing dead fat cells. If you are looking for a non-invasive therapy to firm up your tummy, fat freezing belly treatment might be the excellent service. Nonetheless, cryolipolysis abdominal area treatment is not suitable for anyone who is expecting, obese or had surgical procedure around the abdominal area with the past year.

Once the temperature level is proper the cold starts as well as the fat cells freeze. As soon as frozen the fat cells are then reabsorbed into the body and also processed like any type of other kind of waste to be naturally refined. After the Cryotherapy Coolscuplting is finished, the cups are removed as well as patients can go back to their regular day-to-day tasks for the remainder of the day. All fat freezing and also toning therapies are safe, painless and choices to conventional surgical as well as body sculpting procedures. It does depend substantially on the person being treated, and thus a pre-treatment thorough appointment will certainly notify what sort of results you can anticipate. And it is essential to bear in mind that while the cold of the cells is irreversible as well as they are removed from the body, to preserve the results a healthy way of life is vital.

What do you do after Cryoskin?

To get the best results following a Cryoskin session, you should not eat sugar 2 hours before and 2 hours after the session. The reason is sugar is a strong power source for fat cells. It's factual, all nutritionists would attest that to succeed a diet slimming, sugar is the first thing to stop.

What Is included In The Free assessment?

CoolSculpting uses the fat freezing modern technology from Allegan trademark of Zeltiq Aesthetic appeals which is the only FDA accepted nonsurgical fat reduction device. Fat-freezing is an efficient technique of removing fat cells without the requirement for surgery or needles as well as without any injury done to bordering cells and skin. Each device and also subsequent development of the innovation works in a little various means. With Lipoglaze and the Cool Sculpting method the plates heat up to encourage the fat cells to divide; home plates after that drop in temperature level to -5 c to -9 c for between 45 and 60 mins. The moment and temperature level needed for the therapy varies and will depend upon your body fat, composition of fat as well as age. Some areas of fat are different to others and would not always be suitable for the therapy. Fat freezing can be executed on soft squeezable pockets or locations of subcutaneous fat.

It is very important to keep in mind that while cryotherapy, fat freezing coolsculpting can be a blessing for many, specific body types might call for a much more complex approach to fat loss. In these cases, your aesthetician might recommend a treatment plan that sets Cryotherapy fat freezing with additional body contouring approaches. During the procedure you will originally really feel a light suction feeling from the mug to position the fat in the appropriate area, which suggests the procedure is functioning. The temperature level will gradually reduce to cold at which time the suction stops.

This will feel awkward for the first 5-10 minutes, as this is when the suction and also cold of the fat cells start to work to a -8 degree temperature level. During the 70 min procedure, you will certainly really feel pulsations from the maker, and a mild numbing feeling. CoolTech fat freezing treatments work on the following areas of the body; neck, axillary fold, top abdomen, mid abdominal areas, reduced abdominal areas, hips, Internal part of the upper legs, knees, subscapular, arms, flanks and under the buttlocks. CoolSculpting uses rounded paddles which are available in various sizes and shapes to develop suction on the skin. The temperature level will be up to around -11 Celsius which will crystallise the fat cells whilst making sure the bordering tissue continues to be untouched. Over the following few weeks the body's natural process works to eliminate the dead fat cells. While both innovations supply reliable therapies for fat reduction, Cryolipolysis has its obvious limitations.

It must be kept in mind that fat freezing is an aesthetic procedure which is not normally covered by medical insurance, which suggests that patients typically can not utilize their policy to pay the cost. That stated RT Visual appeals fat freezing is billed at only ₤ 300 for 1 location of Cryolipolysis. Many people undertake weight management programs for the function of looking in addition to feeling much better, as well as cosmetically, fat freezing can have a favorable effect. That's because it supplies results which show up slowly with time and also look even more all-natural than some more intrusive therapies. Through the process of fat freezing, the fat cells end up being swollen as well as your body sends out specialised cells that progressively absorb the affected fat cells.

In order to address certain issues, we tailor-make our HIFU therapies and our experts utilize them additionally in combination with other treatments, like for instance radio-frequency, mesotherapy as well as injectable.

A terrific advantage of the treatment is the fact that you will accomplish ideal cosmetic results with only one treatment session.

As a result it is vital to have a thorough and also detailed appointment with our expert, prior to you determine to go on with a HIFU procedure.

If you have any kind of concerns, please do call our team, we're more than pleased to assist.

There are certain contra-indications and limitations in the order the treatments can be made use of along with various other treatments.

HIFU non-surgical facelift is a wonderful means of addressing the results of skin ageing without the scalpel as well as the linked downtime.

HIFU for prostate cancer can create issues obtaining an erection.

Cryolipolysis is not a therapy for obesity or for weight-loss. Best results are achieved on clients with a BMI of around 30 or below, or within 3 stone of your optimal weight. If you are aiming to drop weight and significantly transform your body shape after that we might work with you to assist you reach your goals.

It can likewise help to use loose comfy apparel to attend your fat freezing stubborn belly consultation. For ladies, it is ideal not to have cryolipolysis treatment while menstruating.

[sleepingfancies]

We Need to Talk About SJM

I was recently anonymously asked what exactly my issue with Sarah Jane Maas is, and ended up writing what was essentially a thesis paper about it. Unfortunately, Tumblr pulled a Shitty Website move and deleted everything I wrote under the ‘read more’ tab, so I’m compiling my reasons here on a masterpost, for your reading leisure.

EDIT: Read more tab continues to not work for me, so I apologize to all of you who have to suffer through this. I’ll tag is as a long post accordingly.

Let’s get started

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Reason 1: She preaches messages that no young girl needs to (or should) hear.

Granted, I know the a lot of the YA genre are adults who are no strangers to smut and aren’t phased by toxic behavior in characters. But on the same token, a lot of the YA genre is fueled by young girls age 12-20. Now I’m not going to sit here and pretend like girls in that age range aren’t reading/writing smutty fanfiction or dating. I know they do, I did, most of my friends did. But at that age, young girls are still trying to figure out who they are and who they want to be, including in terms of relationships. That’s where my problem with Maas comes in.

Maas writes, almost exclusively, toxic relationships - at best. Straight up abusive at worst. At one point in ACOTAR, I had to put the book down because I was so disgusted by what happened. Rhysand assaulted Feyre. I’m not kidding. He kissed and groped her against her will, telepathically asked whether she was wet about it, and wondered aloud what she looked like naked. The entire goal of doing this was to piss Feyre’s then-boyfriend off, and for Rhysand to assert his dominance as a Fae lord or whatever the fuck (y’know, like rapists do). Feyre was left shaking, nauseated, and scared for her life. But the worst part? It was written like this was something sexy and desirable. Literal penetration was all that stopped this from being a horrifying rape scene, and I couldn’t believe Maas wrote about it like some hot erotica. It wasn’t romantic. It wasn’t cute. It was disgusting, violating, and I was furious when I read it (especially given Feyre actually ends up with Rhysand eventually. What the fuck).

In Throne of Glass - and subsequent sequels - there are couples (namely Rowan and Aelin) who quite literally spit on each other, punch each other, and bite each other. No, not “love nip” bite, I mean “I’m trying to tear your skin off” bite. But we’re meant to believe they’re endgame, meant to be, and a totally healthy relationship. Let’s not even get into emotional abuse and manipulation, because holy fuck does every single character in these books act like a goddamn villain if we were to go over that in detail. All you need to know is that “if you don’t do xyz then I’ll leave and never come back” “what made you think I cared about you? You’re nothing to me. Just kidding, I love you” and similar sentiments are rampant in these series.

While we’re here, what is up with this “mates” nonsense? Every character pairing we see by the end of the ToG series has a “mate,” and swears off everyone they’ve had before, claiming them to be “false mates.” This whole “mates” business sounds a lot like somebody desperately trying to reassure their insanely jealous partner that they don’t still have feelings for their ex. That’s not healthy! That’s not okay! Your exes helped you narrow down your search. They helped you understand yourself more and what you want (or don’t want). And y’know what? It’s okay to have happy memories with an ex. It’s okay to not hate your ex. Telling young girls that all that matters is their future husband (which erases LGBT+ girls, as well as straight women who don’t want to get married) is harmful as hell, and contributes to the idea that a girl is only “complete” when she finds her “soulmate.”

Girls 12-20 really do not need to be given the message that it’s normal - nay, romantic - for their partners to hit them, humiliate them, or assault them. You may be saying, “Clara, come on, girls know fiction isn’t reality and no girl is actually going to stand for that kind of thing in real life.” But I can’t tell you how horribly my own view of relationships was corrupted for several years after all the books I read as a tween where the protagonist had to defend her flirty boyfriend from the advances of other girls. I didn’t trust boys not to cheat on me. I didn’t trust my girl friends not to try and steal a boyfriend. I thought girls who dressed up and wore makeup and dated a lot were sluts. It took me years of conscious effort to unlearn those ideas. Fiction can and does influence the reader. So again I say: teaching girls that it’s “hot and sexy” when men literally abuse you is not a message a 12-20 year old should be hearing. Ever.

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Reason 2: What exactly does Maas want her readers to be?

Y’know, Maas thinks Caelena/Aelin is a role model for young girls. But here’s a brief list of things Celery/Alien has done throughout the Throne of Glass series:

1. Tried to smash a flower pot over a girl’s head for showing interest in courting Prince Dorian. Despite said girl literally being present at the castle for that purpose and Caelena was not.

2. Very nearly murdered Dorian for absolutely fuckall reason, and then she got mad at Chaol for trying to stop her (keep in mind: Chaol and Dorian are supposed to be best friends. So like... yeah, he’s gonna come to Dorian’s defense).

3. Straight up said, “if I get bored being queen I’ll just go and conquer more lands for my kingdom.” Imperialist there much, Aelin?

This is Maas’ role model material? Half the shit she does from Heir of Fire onward could be described as “war crime” and the other half could be described as “selfish.” Maas seems to think that a shit ton of half-baked “witty” lines and a few “badass” fight scenes completely makes up for having an amoral character as the protagonist you want to flaunt around as an icon for young girls.

It would be one thing if Maas said, “I don’t want anyone to be like Celery/Alien. She’s not a good person and I want my readers to be able to identify how and why she isn’t a good person. The moral is what not to be like.” But she does the opposite and claims time and time again that Celery/Alien is some kind of feminist warrior, when in fact Celery/Alien is the very epitome of white feminism and false feminism. She’ll be all kinds of gung-ho for herself, but as soon as another woman mentions her own unique problems or lifestyles, Celery/Alien thinks she’s a “whiny bitch,” “dumb slut,” or something similar. Celery/Alien ends up looking down her nose at basically every other female character. The lack of female friendships in Maas’ books is frankly astounding.

No girl needs to be Celery/Alien. Celery/Alien is not a role model, she is not a feminist, she is not a figurehead of a well developed female character or even a compelling antihero. She’s sexist, she’s misogynistic, she has serious anger issues, she’s manipulative, she’s abusive. This is not who young girls should be looking up to.

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Reason 3: Maas has no place in the YA genre.

I’m not really sure I need to elaborate much on this. Let me give you a scenario:

Imagine you’re at a book signing for your fans. They’re mostly girls 15-20, so you kind of just sign their copies without thinking much about it. But then a smaller girl comes up to the table, you ask her age, and she says “I’m ten.” A 10 year old girl is standing in front of you, clutching her copy of your book where you wrote and published the scene, “he buried in to the hilt and roared. Over and over he spilled inside of her, the lightning outside flashing soft and lovely long after he stilled.”

Look me in the eye and tell me that shit is appropriate in the YA genre. At all. Ever.

You wanna write romance? Go for it. It can be cute! It can be healthy! It can be intriguing! But this? This? This is just... erotica. If you’re publishing stuff like this in the YA genre, in a book that isn’t even on the ‘tween/teen romance’ shelves, then you better be ready to take full responsibility for teaching 10 year olds what a blowjob is, what an orgasm is, what BDSM is, what a fucking foot fetish is.

I know JK Rowling isn’t the most popular right now, but even she did better than this. The first 3 Harry Potter books you can generally find on the children’s/middle grade shelves. They were cute, fun little adventures about wizards and magic and fantastic creatures. Books 4-7? Those are on the YA shelves. People are dying, magic is dangerous, fascist organizations are on the rise -- it isn’t fun for Harry anymore. It isn’t about the wonders of magic. It’s about life or death, war, and fear. So yeah, of course those book aren’t going to be on the children’s/middle grade shelves! They’re dark! They’re scary! That kind of material shouldn’t be advertised as appropriate for younger kids!

Maas never extended that courtesy. Maas took her books full of badly written erotica and plopped them down right where all the rest of the completely tame YA books went, because she wanted the sales. She didn’t care if she was exposing kids who were too young to explicit sex scenes. She never posted a disclaimer, she never posted any kind of warning on social media when the books came out. Nope. She just silently took advantage of the market knowing she’d get more sales in YA. But it has no place in YA. It’s not YA. And I don’t think I’m ever gonna be okay with that.

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Reason 4: Diversity? Never heard of it!

Maas’ books are so incredibly white and straight that it’s painful. Rowan and Aelin? White and straight. Feyre? Rhysand? Chaol? Dorian? Manon? Hey, you guessed it! They’re all white and straight (despite Chaol, Dorian, and Manon being heavily LGBT+ coded for like, the entire series till the last book)!

“He looked at his friend, perhaps for the last time, and said what he had always known, from the moment they met, ‘I love you.’” (Queen of Shadows)

Hello? Sarah Jane? I’m all for male friendships, but there’s male friendships and then there’s actual romance. Chaol and Dorian are about as gay-coded as they could fucking get. And this isn’t even the only time this happens! Check this out:

“Dorian surged from his chair and dropped to his knees beside the bed. He grabbed Chaol’s hand, squeezing it as he pressed his brow against his. ‘You were dead,’ the prince said, his voice breaking. ‘I thought you were dead.’” (Queen of Shadows)

But wait, there’s more!

“‘I’m not leaving you. Not again.’

Dorian’s mouth tightened. ‘You didn’t leave, Chaol.’ He shook his head once, sending tears slipping down his cheeks. ‘You never left me.’” (Queen of Shadows)

I mean come on, Sarah!

Also, Manon. My girl Manon hated men, pretty explicitly, for the entire series. In case you don’t believe me:

“There were few sounds Manon enjoyed more than the groans of dying men.” (Heir of Fire)

Oh, and other characters even imply Manon has never had a heterosexual relationship in her fucking life. See:

“‘That golden-haired witch, Asterin...’ Aelin said. ‘She screamed Manon’s name the way I screamed yours. How can I take away somebody who means the world to someone else? Even if she is my enemy.’” (Queen of Shadows)

Tell me that’s not gay as fuck. I dare you.

Manon had a whole lot of love to give women! She was always affectionate towards other women. Particularly Elide. This is a woman who was about as lesbian as you could get. Had no interest in men, every interest in women, rejected typically expected roles for women (getting married and having kids, etc.) but guess what happened? Guess what fucking happened?

This warrior who was friends with and rode on a big fuckoff wyvern completely and totally submits to Dorian as her lover. I don’t mean that metaphorically. They literally do some BDSM shit where he’s her “master” and she “kneels to him” or whatever the fucking fuck. This entire thing pissed me off more than Chaol and Dorian being all “no homo bro,” because Maas used every possible symbol and subtext for Manon being gay, and then said “just kidding!” Her relationship with Dorian came out of nowhere. All of a sudden she was just as thirsty for mediocre dick as Aelin.

At this point I honestly have to wonder if Maas is really this ignorant or if she’s - dare I say it? - taunting her readers who have complained about the lack of LGBT+ representation. Maas has, historically, not reacted well to people criticizing her work. I would not put it beyond her at all to intentionally queer-code characters only to turn around and rip the rug out from under her readers by pairing them up in heterosexual relationships. And not only is that shitty writing, but it’s... really malicious and rude.

Of course then there’s the issues with racial representation. Again, Maas doesn’t even try. She includes 13 characters of color only to immediately kill off all of them in a suicide pact. So there’s that. Not sure I need to say more than that.

Maas knows what diversity is, but as per her famous quote, “I just don’t want to force diversity into my books.” So. Y’know. Writing a black or gay character (or!! God forbid, both black and gay!!) is asking a little too much of her, apparently. She doesn’t want to force anything as unbelievable as someone who isn’t white or straight, don’tcha know? In these books about fae people and dragons and gods fighting mortals and explicit erotica, an LGBT+ character or a character of color is high fantasy, not YA. *Sarcasm*

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Reason 5: The woman can’t write.

This is pretty straightforward. She cannot write. My proof? She plagiarizes the living fuck out of everything she can to avoid actually writing her own original work.

1. “You’re gonna rattle the stars.” - from Disney’s Treasure Planet

2. “The Queen Who Was Promised” - from GRRM’s ASOIAF, where Dany Targaryen is often toted as the exact same thing. Oh, and The Prince Who Was Promised prophecy in ASOIAF also mentions Azor Ahai being “the Heir of Fire” so, uh.... yeah.

3. Aelin basically being Aragorn. Lost royalty spends years as an outcast, denies their claim, teams up with elves (fae in Aelin’s case) to defeat a greater evil, becomes known as the people’s champion, falls in love with an elf (fae) and makes them their consort, crowned by the people, ends their coronation scene with a “you bow to no one” (I’m not kidding).

4. Nehemia dying for Aelin and it later being revealed that Nehemia was “grooming” Aelin to face great evil, and potentially give her life to stop it. How much you wanna bet Maas tried to give Aelin a name as close to “Harry Potter” as she could get?

5. Manon lighting a series of beacons across a mountain range to call for aid during war. I mean seriously? This is one of the most iconic scenes in Peter Jackson’s rendition of Lord of the Rings. It’s moving, it’s powerful, it’s awe-inspiring. And Maas knew it. So she just... took it. I don’t have a lot of respect for writers who can’t write their own moving scenes.

6. Kingsflame blossoms, which only bloom when the rightful monarch is on the throne. So... the White Tree of Gondor. Got it.

7. The Hand of the King being a royal court position. Like... jesus. GRRM, come get ya world-building, SJ stole it again.

8. A paralyzed Chaol has a specialized saddle made for him, because he wants more than anything to ride a horse again. GRRM! Please! She’s taking Bran Stark’s story now!

And besides all of these horribly plagiarized points, there’s nothing even slightly compelling about these books. There’s literally zero substance, and the last few books in both the ACOTAR and ToG series have been nothing but a smut-fest. Plot who? We don’t know her.

Trauma, both physical and mental, is erased at the drop of a dime (Aelin lost physical scars, Chaol’s paralysis was basically cured, series of events that should’ve left characters absolutely fucked just... didn’t phase them). The battles are rushed and sloppily written, and Maas has a particularly nasty habit of focusing on exactly the wrong people in the middle of what should be an action packed scene. Instead of showing alliances forging and plots being made behind people’s backs, instead of showing us people gearing up for battle by saying tearful goodbyes to their infants and spouses, Maas shows us Rowan and Aelin banging on a beach, or a tree, or a ship, or wherever the fuck they happen to be at that moment.

None of these characters lose jack shit. There is no sense of urgency or stakes, because we knew since Heir of Fire that Aelin and her precious uwu fae “mate” would be just fine. Why? Because nobody shipped Rowaelin as hard as Sarah Jane Maas did. Consistently the only people who suffer in these books are background characters (who, coincidentally, are almost always the characters of color and LGBT+ characters). By the end of Kingdom of Ash, literally everyone is fine. And paired off to be married, too! Because a happy ending isn’t a true happy ending if it doesn’t end with Babies Ever After and everyone in a heterosexual relationship, of course, right?

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Reason 6: World-building doesn’t even go here! Sorry, she just wanted to be a part of something.

Maas’ world-building is... how do you say... shitty. New lore pops up in every book, having never been mentioned before, and is for some reason of utmost importance (but only for this book. It’ll be forgotten again as soon as it isn’t relevant). Religions who? Culture where? History what? None of these things exist in Maas’ world. None.

Now before anyone jumps down my throat with “but The World of Throne of Glass is coming out this year!!!1!1!!” let me gently establish something. Speaking as a fantasy author: if you do not have your most basic world-building - that being religion, culture, language, and history - already established, then you have no business making a “world of” book to cover all the bases your ass never bothered with in the original series.

I said what I said.

Tolkien and GRRM are masters of world-building because they spent decades working to forge their worlds before they ever put a pen to paper and wrote their stories. Not to toot my own horn, but my own fantasy series has been developing for almost 7 years now. What am I doing with it? I’m outlining governments in different societies, why people came to worship what they do, and I’m making a fucking world map on my bedroom floor (that now has cat paw prints on it, so it’s not exactly final product material anyway).

I give not a single hoot for Maas’ “The World of Throne of Glass.” She could be saying anything she wanted to and it would all just have to be canon, because she’s establishing what this world is after already finishing her series. Yes, it does piss me off, because it’s pretty obvious she didn’t have a clue what her world was, or who was who, or why things were the way they were. She made shit up as she went along, nothing more. There was no grand scheme. There was no planning, and it shows.

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TL;DR: I have a lot of issues with Sarah J Maas’ writing, including her world-building and handling of diversity. But most of all I despise the potential impact she has on the YA genre and on the young girls reading her work. They deserve better than this. They deserve better than Sarah Jane Maas.

[thisartofeveryday]

For those of you who thought I should make my life story into a book…here is the outline. For the sake of clarity as you are reading, let me explain who the characters are. The kids from my Dads first marriage: Jim1, Patty, Seana. The kids from my Mom’s (Mary Ellen) first marriage: Mary Jane and Jim2. My brother that I am a full sibling to is Charles (chuck).

I think you might know that 95% of our lives are lived from the unconscious mind. From birth to age 7 a childs mind is in Theta wave (hypnosis) and everything that they learn in those years (mainly through observation and repetition) is the program that their minds run for their entire lives. Knowing this – I look back on the first 7 years of my life.

I think we moved 7 times in those 7 years. I am certain it was because of Dads extreme anger management problems and the fact that he is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. Zero stability or chance to make lasting friendships. My dad was sexually abusing me and unpredictably violent. I was terrified of him. I was being terrorized/bullied by my brother, Chuck, who was every bit the sociopath that my dad is. My mom was overwhelmed by the number of children she was responsible for - none of which she actually wanted- and add to that, her husband was sexualizing all of the kids, so really being the last of her kids I was the last of her problems. Being the youngest (and as traumatized as I was), I was quiet and easy to forget about or push to the side. The older kids were the ones in the spotlight and where all the attention went. They were enrolled in activities and they were more the same age, so they were a unit. I was just an observer of them. I felt so left out and forgotten. Always.

I was a mistake and a burden (dads exact words to me on my 11th birthday). Mom made sure I knew that she thought I was mentally retarded- she would joke about it all the time. (I guess she never made peace with her sister being autistic) She also loved humiliating me even when I made it clear she was hurting me. Remember her sausage fingers joke or how many years I got called Boomer? I absolutely hated both of those things, made it clear, and yet she refused to give up the name calling and humiliation. There was very little respect for my personal boundaries. Dad would assault me in the middle of the night and I would wet the bed out of fear- then he would make me sleep in it to teach me a lesson. Mom would do nothing to help me, though she was awake in the middle of the night when I would work up the courage to go into their room to ask for help. She let him treat me like that. Goddamn…I remember the night terrors and being scared to be in my room at night because the scary man was sitting in the rocking chair, in the dark, next to my bed.

I have a memory of being in the garage in our house in South Windsor. I was playing with our basset hound, General…I was crawling around on the floor and the dog mounted me and was dry humping me. Dad got this sick laugh and let it happen. Mom walked in and got mad at him, but did nothing to help me. My personal boundaries were nonexistent. Nobody was protecting me from him. I remember him eating the food off my plate at dinner…or kissing me on the ear or touching me when I would tell him I hated it and to stop. I remember the baths dad would have me take with him and how he taught me to touch and work his dick. I remember the photos he would take of me after the bath. I remember being 7 years old and trying to lay on his bed and be sexy enough for him. I remember kissing mom passionately the way that dad taught me to and mom getting upset and asking me where I learned that. I remember having a baby doll that I drew all over, angrily, with lipstick. I remember being scared because my ass was bleeding and I told mom while her brother and sisters were visiting and she shushed me and scurried me away. I remember him also beating the shit out of me…sometimes for no reason. I remember being deeply attracted to and absolutely terrified of him. I was 7.  These are the only memories I have of my dad. I don’t remember him being there for me, or interested in me as a person, or engaged in anyway. I just remember him being what I now know is a predator.

7 to 13: I remember some stability in Connecticut because we stayed there for three years… but I also remember having moments of being deeply depressed and hiding in the basement of the house writing notes that I hoped someone would find, asking for help to get me out of there. When I look back, those were my first experiences with disassociation from stress and waves of major depression. While I was being assaulted during those years, those years were all about Mary Jane, Seana, and Jim2. These three had each other. These three were a team. I was just an observer to your lives. I had no voice, no opinion, no importance, never truly included and absolutely my feelings went unheard and did not matter. We can say it was the age difference, sure, that’s part of it…but that’s also just an excuse. Things could have been done to validate my importance too.  I had Charles bullying me….I had my Dad assaulting me. I was so alone.

My internal voice wants to shout: Why did nobody see this? Why did nobody help me? Where were my siblings? I guess everyone was doing the best they could…

Literally anyone looking in knowing the truth could have easily assessed that this was a horribly destructive environment for any child to grow up in. I know dad was doing this to all the kids. I wasn’t the only one. It is absolutely stunning to me that through the years of my life I have consistently been blamed by my Mary Ellen (narcissist/borderline personality disorder) and the people who chose to listen to her twisted opinions that there was something wrong WITH ME.  I mean, logically the mental health issues I have faced my entire life are perfectly normal and healthy reactions to a situation that was deeply flawed. But somehow the blame has always fallen on me.

The very first thing I think when I think of my mom is her asking me “Whats wrong with you Melissa”. Ive lost count of how many times she has asked me that very question.

I now know that its just deflection. Queen Narcissist cant take responsibility for her actions so she puts it on the person who she always denied a voice. That’s nice. Very loving and motherly. Doesn’t fix the 40 some odd years of my life that I believed her and wanted to die.

Right around age 9 or 10, we move again. I remember it being a big scandal – I think the truth came about that my dad is a sociopath, a pedophile and a rapist. (By the way, that’s in my DNA. I get to live my life connected to that. I look just like my dad. I think like a Painter. It’s fucking unsettling.)  I remember all the pressure to say nothing about the move and to constantly behave as though we were the perfect family and nothing was wrong. So incredibly demented.

I remember a HUGE fight about Seana and Jim2 staying behind in Connecticut. (by the way: I also remember Jim1 leaving for the Marines and wondering where my brother went and why he never talked to me. At one point he came back to visit and gave me a beautiful geisha doll in a glass box that mom destroyed in a fit of anger at me…she intentionally violently knocked it off the top of my dresser in one of her vindictive off the handle rages…Im sure at 8 years old I totally did something to deserve it, right.)

And, of course I remember the night Seana was killed. (why did the man that killed her not serve jail time? Why are bad people never held accountable?) Dad wasn’t there. Again, Dad wasn’t there. As I recall he was having an affair with some woman in Arizona? Mom was already distraught to be back in Michigan. That night, I remember being awake before the call came in…watching the clock radio in my bed… it had a short in the wire that would spark. I was listening to the Beatles: My guitar gently weeps…. To this day, I hate the Beatles.The phone rang. Mom screamed to you “Mary Jane, OMG, Seana is Dead”. I didn’t understand what happened. I just knew we were packing up like we did so many times before to take yet another long drive across country. It felt to me like another move. I didn’t understand death or that my sister was gone forever. I didn’t get it.  

(an aside: I struggled in school. When I was in Beginning Algebra One for some reason that class would make me check out and I would always soul travel to the night Seana was killed and it felt like it was happening to me. I took that class 4 times including summer school before I passed.)

(later, when I was maybe 13, my dog got hit by a car in the street and now I knew what death was so I freaked out like Mom did when Seana died and I remember Mom shaming me: You cried more over than damn dog than you did at your sisters funeral. Very nice. Very motherly. Very supportive and kind of her.)

At Seanas funeral, I remember not knowing what was expected of me. I was just so focused on getting it right and who I was supposed to kiss (because that sexualized stuff was already so ingrained).

There were so many goddamn rules for behavior, (rich white republican ex-military country club going family that we were) and I remember getting it wrong and being scowled at all the time. Mom was always angry and stressed out. We had to BE someone and over and over again: “Don’t forget the family name” and how important our clan was (hilarious that she kept the Sterling last name because her current husband is too ethnic and this sounds classier to her than her own actual last name)….

Meanwhile, My developing sense of self was being assaulted and neglected/ignored out of me and I felt wrong all the time for every single action I took.

I think we moved back to North Carolina briefly and then to Florida? Whatever the case….

Then we move again. Again. Again. Now we are in Florida. Im 10. My parents are getting divorced. Mom is deeply goddamn depressed. My family is falling apart. I don’t know where my brothers and sister are. Everything is exploding. Im powerless and hostage to all this. I cannot underline the importance of that sense of being hostage to a situation that I was powerless to escape and having my feelings and my personhood completely ignored and erased. It consumed me. I wanted to die. I am, as always, the least of moms concerns.

In Florida I was so incredibly dissociative. I was experiencing C-PTSD. I remember feeling numb all over. Having no ability to react to this little girl that fell off her bike in front of me….I just stared at her…the adults nearby yelled at me for doing nothing. I went further into my head. I was so checked out. People just thought I was quiet or shy or retarded. I was deeply traumatized and needed help.

I remember Mary Jane and I sitting on the bed watching this music video by The Cars. In the video there is a woman who is laughing and crying. I remember asking MJ what she was doing because I do that too and I think she told me she was having a mental break down.  

I remember getting a Walkman and listening to the Police nonstop. That was my only retreat from how much I hurt. WHY DID NOBODY SEE THIS AND HELP ME?

I remember during that time that I was given another baby doll. I remember MJ and mom watching me play with it to see what I would do. I felt scared of them both and the creepy way they were lurking to watch me. I felt ganged up on. I couldn’t trust anyone. I was so alone. I wanted to die.

In Florida, I remember my birthday and dad cocking his fist back like he was going to punch me in the face…he did that sick laugh and told me he wished I was never born and that I was a mistake. (later when I told this to Patty she explained he punched her in the face on her 11th birthday. Im related to all that. That’s in my dna.)

My body was changing. I was getting my period. I felt crazy. I was in that HUGE school in Jacksonville and I had no friends and I was so scared. Everything was terrifying….and Dad was getting more unhinged thus Mom has Jim and Lynn move in to protect her and had you come back… and then I remember walking in to the living room in the middle of a sunny afternoon and mom on the pull out sofa, trying to make dad jealous, was fucking the guy who was there to buy the house  that we had just moved in to because we were MOVING AGAIN….

Not to mention, I remember MJ and I quickly taking Dads gun to the beach to bury it so he because he wanted to kill us all.

Im not even 13 yet….. Are you exhausted?

Any one of these things would make a fully functioning stable adult fold like a house of cards. “Whats wrong with you Melissa?”…. It took something like 20 years of therapy but now I have some clues to answer that question. Here are some more clues:

We finally make it to Boone. Mom followed her best friend, Mary Jane. After all that… that incredible pressure cooker of my pre teen childhood we arrive in bumfuck nowhere, North Carolina….and everyone is gone except the sociopath brother. The house is basically empty. Everyone abandoned ship. Where did my brothers and sisters go? I remember coming home after school and there would be nobody home. For my entire life I had come home to my family but now there was no one. I would sit on the couch and watch the clock with growing anxiety and cry until mom came home from work. It was beyond torturous. And then she would be pissed off that I needed her because she just got home from work. At this point Mom is just angry and exhausted all the time. She had to get a job outside the home for the first time in her life which she hated, she was sick of being a mom…she wanted it all to be over so she could have HER life. Charles was getting more and more abusive- physically and mentally and had to be sent away for our protection.

And then she starts dating Don Bailey. I think the sex must have been amazing because the guy was an utter low life. He was living off of her/my child support money… and beating the shit out of her. Their fights were never goddamn ending. I would hide in my room after school and not come out. I was so alone. I had no friends and no escape. Mom was friends with Mary Jane, not with me. Mom wanted nothing to do with me. One day we were driving home and I was so attached to her. I needed my mom so goddamn bad… I was struggling to make friends at yet another new school and the PTSD made me feel so distant from everyone but I had no words for what was wrong with me I just thought I was terrible at making friends (I remember this: pathetically I checked out a book at the library: How to be your own best friend)… She pulled the car over and told me “we cant be friends.” Mom has some glorified memory of us driving around looking for our favorite tree in Autumn… the only thing I remember is that conversation…her rejecting me when I needed her the most… after we moved to the town my sister lived in so she could be close to her.

Again, still no help with the major depression, the CPTSD… just a lot of blame “why cant you be happy Melissa…whats wrong with you?” and I cant be clear enough about this: all her spare time at home was spent on Don, not me. I didn’t have clubs and groups and activities that she as sure to enroll me in. I didn’t have my brothers and sisters there with me. It was just me, after all that, trying to figure it out.

I was a burden to her. She couldn’t wait to get rid of me and be done. I felt it always.

An aside: When she was unsure if she wanted to stay in Boone, I remember her asking Charles if we should stay or go back to Florida…after he chimed in with his answer, I gave my opinion which she angrily scoffed at me and told me it didn’t matter what I thought, Id go where they tell me to go.   My voice didn’t matter, I was a burden to her. I had no value as a person. I was powerless. So there I was in my bedroom that was the walkway between the living room and her room… at the mercy of whatever happened with no privacy or power over my life….. whats new.

Another aside: During that time we had gotten a dog that was a total pain in the ass for her to take care of. She gave it away while I was at school. I came home and the dog was gone and I was tearful thinking it ran away. She gave my dog away without telling me.

Then we moved out to Valley Crusis (9 miles outside of town…so isolated. I was so alone. The isolation was killing me. Where were my siblings. I needed help. I needed someone who was just there for me.) and Dons abusive behavior got even more extreme. I remember him picking me up from a concert that I was at….because he had sent Mom to the hospital with a sprained wrist and a busted lip. He was laughing about it when he told me to get in the car. Another time I remember Don looming in my bedroom door when Mom was at work and it was just us in the house… telling me: “Go ahead and call the police, nobody will believe you anyway.” I remember the woman who lived up the hill from us, with the curly hair…I think her name was Susan… coming down to the house while Mom and Don were gone and telling me If it ever gets too bad, you can always run up here. The neighbors knew I needed help. Where were my brothers and sisters? Where was my Mom? FUCK.

I remember Mom having many off the handle rages at me because I looked like a boy and my hair was crazy and I was so fucked up. I remember one morning after she had raged at me so hard that I was in stunned silence… we were sitting at breakfast at St Sinners and MJ kept looking at me, she knew something was wrong, I was clearly checked out and fucked up. I needed my sister. I had no voice or ability to speak up. I was scared of her husband, Glenn. Nobody helped me. Mom was the star of the brunch party!

I remember getting my first job at 15 and working at St Sinners…. Then, when mom bought the restaurant I stopped getting paid. She cut me off from my paycheck and told me it was my “duty to the family”… but she had Jim2 and his first wife Lynn there working and they were getting paid…and also stealing her money to fuel their coke habits. She didn’t value me, or my efforts but her golden son Jim can do no wrong even when he is fucking her out of her business.

I remember Jim2 offering me coke at a house party and John Golden and another friend getting me out of there away from my own brother. I remember Lynn being LIVID that I would stop by their house when I was lonely and wanted my family but instead I got shamed for thinking I could stop by and see them…and mom would tell me that “they had BUSY LIVES and I should leave them alone.”

I remember being so fucked up and alone in Boone….I mean, I now know I was just in shock and experiencing major depression. Mom kept asking me Whats wrong with you Melissa…when I was your age I had to choose between boyfriends… etc. Its incredible to me how Mom normalized my childhood abuse and completely erased my feelings or my personhood then blamed me for somehow being a problem child or wrong in whatever way….more incredible: people believed her.  

During those years in Boone I remember her doing things like openly making fun of me when I thought I might be gay, fixing regular hamburgers and telling me they were tofu when I became vegetarian…starting a burn pile in the back yard full of toxic things after I told her how important recycling was to me and laughing at me as I cried…..every chance she had to make me feel awful about being me and disrespected she took.

Once I visited her at her office and she told me I was “too ugly to look at and she didn’t want anyone to know I was her daughter and to never come to her office again.”

Shes right, we were not friends. She was a jealous mean girl, obsessed with appearances and her shitty boyfriend.

Lets not forget when she, with Mary Janes help, stacked my portfolio with MJs lithographies and coached me how to lie to get me in to Governors school for the summer. She wanted me gone and she got her wish. I remember feeling like a fraud that summer. I wasn’t good enough to be there. I had to lie to be included. I remember she didn’t even drive me there. She had Don do it. He harassed me in the car all the way there, 3 hours…. then dropped me…16… off on the curb in front of the college and drove away. All the other kids had parents excitedly helping them get set up in their rooms…excited about their major accomplishment of getting in to Governors school… I was there with my milk crate of shit, a fraud. alone. Acting like a tough girl who didn’t need anyone. I was a pro at that. Mission accomplished, she was rid of me.

I remember how deep my depression was becoming by the time I was 18. That last year of high school I would bang my head against my bedroom wall in an attempt to knock myself out, in hopes that I would get sent away to a treatment center or something. I couldn’t take all the fighting between her and Don. I fucking hated him and he was in my house and there was nothing I could do about it. I tried to throw myself down the back stairwell at school. I barely graduated high school my depression was eating me alive.

Amazing that nobody IN MY FAMILY SAW THAT I NEEDED HELP. I was invisible. Mary Ellen cast her proclamation that all was well, she was amazing and I was a problem child and that was that.

I have a million stories about Mom demoralizing me during those years…. Whats weird is that I have no memory of my Mary Jane there. I think she was so involved with Glenn and way up the mountain, I had no way to reach her. And I was scared of her husband Glenn. And, we were never close. And, she was Team Mary Ellen…. So I was just alone and wanted to die. Sincerely. Goddamn. Let it end.

I remember Don telling me that Mom was using my child support payment to make her car payment. So I asked her about where my child support was going and she told me she used it for my Blue Cross Blue Shield Insurance…. So I called the insurance company to see if I had coverage…. They had no record of me. She was, again, a liar….

When I graduated high school she couldn’t get me out of the house fast enough. She pawned me off on my boyfriend Gebeaux and expected him to simply take care of me. We broke up. He didn’t sign up for that. I was basically kicked out of the house in valley crusis. I wasn’t prepared for life on my own. I wasn’t ready. She just wanted to be done being a mom so Hey..I came back to the house one day and all my stuff was packed and that was that. I had to figure it out. Fuck me.  

At one point during that time I was living in a trailer with my friend Stacy. Mom was horrified about this. I was getting food stamps and she was so ashamed of me for being so low class. She came to the trailer and was completely off the handle. She said there was “no air” in there and grabbed a 2x4 and smashed out all the windows. Mind you from her perspective it was just another example of what a loser I am, living in a trailer on food stamps how did I end up such a piece of shit when she is such a wonderful mother… it must be because there is something inherently wrong about me.

She has seen me as trash who is incapable of being anything great my entire life.

Somewhere in there she stopped dating Don and started dating lawyer Rand Sterling…who broke her ribs multiple times and literally pushed her out of a moving car and then she walked 5 miles back to his house to be with him.  That relationship took her to Texas. She followed the money. The insanity of that relationship is all I heard about from her. She needed Jim2 to come protect her from her husband multiple times. I absorbed all of this through her very rare but insane emails to me. She has always used me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground.

I had my first total mental break right around 19 years old. I was fetal position on the floor at my girlfriends house… Jenn… I couldn’t stop crying for multiple days and I felt my mind split in two. I literally went into a black hole and was begging for death. Jenn and the next door neighbor scooped me up off the floor and drove me to the Watauga County Mental Health and got me some help… but at this point I was having a total mental collapse… the part of me that was traumatized was a child denied her voice or any recognition of her Self, so I had no way to articulate what was wrong and Mom had denied and normalized the abuse and denied me voice and my personhood for so long that I had ZERO chance of articulating what was wrong… it was buried so deep inside of me and I was so scared to trust anyone…. I was experiencing schizophrenia and Major depression.

Jenn helped me with my depression. Jenn made sure I was housed and fed. Jenn took care of me. I owe her my life.

I mean, that is an extreme mental health episode. Where was my family? How could none of the people who were supposed to love me the most see any of this? Why did none of them help me? Why did all of them think I was to blame? (my guess: Team Mary Ellen)  

Somewhere in that year my friends were moving to Chapel Hill so I packed up the car that my child support paid for and I went down the mountain. She threatened to call the police on me for stealing the car.  She told me I needed discipline and needed to go into the Army. She just didn’t know what to do with me…such a problem child. If I remember correctly, you echoed her sentiments. Everyone was always so angry at me for being so wrong and so bad. None of my family (meaning MJ and mom because my brothers had long bailed on me and my extended family has never made a single attempt to reach out to me or know me at all.)  were my friend, or loving, kind or compassionate.

I got away….I went to Chapel Hill and lived with my best friends Kerry, Lesley, Julie, and two other guys in Kerry’s Moms rental house. I was working at the Columbia Street Bakery and dating this boy, Richard…. Who happened to be a really abusive drug dealer… who held me down one night and violently orally raped me and when I called mom for help she told me with the exasperation of a mother who had supposedly tried so hard to do the right thing and raise her child with love and support but that child was just tragic and terminally fucked :

“I don’t know whats wrong with you Melissa, I guess you just like the bad boys.”  

Again, no self reflection on her behalf…she did nothing to help me.

I didn’t know how to get away from Richard who was playing mind fuck with me and I was getting high with him (LSD) …which was basically, me being drugged and him using me for sex but not being loving or kind in any way (felt like home)  Eventually, Richard got busted for selling a page of lsd to an undercover cop and threatened to kill me because he thought it was my fault… so I had to get out of there and I went to New York to chill out and work for the summer at the Omega Institute of Holistic Learning… to just be around hippies and eat good food. I hung out with Baba Ram Dass and Ben & Jerry…and took a class on the whirling dervish… These moments when I wasn’t in the pressure cooker of my life were both brilliant because I needed healing but also the worst because all this trauma would start to surface and I didn’t know what it was or how to speak about it. I would start to shatter again.

I believed it was my fault and there was something inherently wrong with me.

I was so lost. I needed help. I needed a parent or loving compassionate family or someone trusted to guide me through that time in my life. I had no one but my friends from North Carolina who were just as fucked up as me. I needed help. I needed help. Oh my god, I needed help.

Omega ended…I had no money to get out of there, nobody to turn to for help, no clue what to do next, I certainly couldn’t go back to Mom who hated me and was living with Rand so fuck that… I had no idea where my brothers and sisters were and no relationship with them so that wasn’t on my mind as an option…..so I caught whatever ride I could get and ended up in Boulder. One of my friends from Omega hooked me up with her cousin for a month and I tried to make it work… it was basically winter in Colorado at this point and I was out there door canvassing for Green Peace making no money and freezing to death. Just walking door to door for Greenpeace… looking in on other families and their loving lives together. I was so fucking sad. I was hungry and scared and completely out of options. I had to get out of there.

I called Mom for help. She said: “You got yourself into this, get yourself out”…. And hung up on me. The bitch hung up on me. I was stranded and so scared and I needed my mom. She hung up on me. She blamed me. She wanted to punish me for being such a problem. She was done being a mom. She hung up.

I remember having gone to the Planned Parenthood to get some medical help because I was sick. I explained my situation and the nurse looked at me incredulously and said “where are you parents?” I explained to her that Mom hung up on me.  I was devastated, living in a constant state of shock. Scared out of my sense of self or ability to connect to the present moment.

I was a fractured soul in every possible meaning.

My month at my friends place was over and I had to find an apartment or live on the streets. It took me another month of begging whatever guy I could find to give me a place to stay and then I contacted the boy I was dating at Omega, Scott, and asked him for money to get a bus back to North Carolina. He helped me. Bless him. He got me out of there.

I got on the Greyhound and ended up going to Idaho to visit with my friend Stacy (who I lived in the trailer with) and stay with her for a couple weeks to get grounded and feel safe with a friend for a minute. My mental break was coming back full force. I was inconsolable.  I remember laying on her bed fully having an out of body experience from the stress and being so disoriented. She is so patient and kind. She took care of me. When my time with Stacy was up, the next layer of insanity: I got on the Greyhound and took a 5 day no sleep, no food journey across country. I got chased down, carrying all my bags of things and looking like a little hippie… on a layover, by a group of drunk men in Wyoming…they almost got me but I found a laundromat that was open and full of people so I ran inside and hid until my bus was leaving again. I was terrified. By the time I made it back to Lesley and Kerrys house in Chapel Hill it was New Year night…I got some hours back at the Columbia Street bakery I was working at and got some money rolling in.

I want to mention that Poverty, which I have lived most my life in, is no joke and more damaging than anyone outside of the experience can understand. It is cyclical, like bi polar…. Living paycheck to paycheck or however you get just enough to maybe hold on for a moment longer but never knowing if more will be coming is a terror. Always feeling like the bottom is going to drop out…and never knowing when youre going to eat…and what that does to your hormones and your mental health…. Poverty is proven to damage people on a cellular level and have lasting effects that lead to chronic illness.

After making it back to NC, few weeks later the boy from Omega came to Chapel Hill and told me he wanted to marry me and wanted me to move to Boston with him. So we took a little road trip and eventually ended up in Boston. As a surprise to no one sane, that was not a lasting relationship. So after a year of misery in Boston, (more poverty, more loneliness, more no family) Scott drove me back to Chapel Hill and that’s when the girls and I all moved up to Asheville. All the while, checking in with Mom who was yelling and shaming me for being such a fuck up.

I can’t underline enough: I was disassociating the entire time. I was having episodes of schizophrenia. I was experiencing major depression and bi polar disorder. The stress of my entire life was more than I could handle and I had no support and no compassion and nobody validating my experience or me as a person. People just thought that was who I was. I was just fucked in every way possible and believed she was right and all that was normal and I was a terrible piece of shit. She had everyone believing that.  

Mary Jane believed her. She echoed her sentiments to me. Go Team Mary Ellen.

I moved up to Asheville and got somewhat stabilized. I was again living with my friends and I got a decent job at the Laughing Seed Cafe. I met Mark and I had decided to go to college because I thought that would make Mom happy and I needed to DO something with myself.  

Mark and I were together maybe 8 weeks before we moved across country and started a life together. Eight weeks.

I was so adept at being a high functioning  dissociative major depressive and I had no way to articulate what was wrong with me (all that stuff that had been normalized and ignored…all the ways my feelings and personhood was erased)… I just knew something evil bad was in me and it took me out from time to time. I thought it was my fault and I was ashamed of myself.  I was living in a constant state of shock. CPTSD.

So, I get myself into college and thanks to Mark and his truck we move across country.

When I hear my friends now talking about saving money for their kids college and really setting them up for success by helping them choose a school and get settled in or making sure they don’t have to work so they can focus on their studies and have a healthy social life with friends and do activities Im so confused. I didn’t know parents and families helped their kids with such things. I didn’t understand that in other families they help, protect and support. I made it through without any of these blessings.

Mark and I get a shitty apartment (the ceiling caved in out of rot and the place was full of roaches. The property managers stole my drum set and we would catch them on the roof at night peeping through the skylight to watch us), I get a full time job managing a restaurant…in addition to schooling full time...Im overwhelmed by the workload, scared to be across country, freaked out by college and the expectations… it was too much. I was away from the source of my abuse and things started to surface… I NEEDED HELP.

I needed my family except, honestly, I have none. Additional mindfuck: when I tried to talk to people about this I get the old trope about how everyone has tough relationships in their families and I need to love my mom and work it out with her.SO I KEPT GOING BACK FOR MORE WITH MOM BECAUSE I NEEDED HER LOVE SO BAD AND I THOUGHT THE PROBLEM WAS ME. Further, because I was so regressed I just sounded like a petulant child when I tried to talk about the abuse I had no accurate words for so nobody outside the experience really got it or could conceive how bad things really were for me… why would they? My family is extraordinarily fucked up, like nobody I have ever known.

In college, nobody comes to check on me and make sure Im ok. Nobody was calling. Id get rare emails or letters. When I would tell mom how hard it was, mom would mock me and tell me to suck it up when I would reach out to her and “complain” about how things were going for me… See, because its always my fault and Im never measuring up.

An aside: To this day, 40 years later, Jim2 has yet to even send me a single email to check and make sure Im ok or get to know me at all. He has never responded to the multiple emails I have sent him, so I stopped reaching out. I used to cry to mom about it and she would tell me that he “has a busy life” and I had to understand that’s why I wasn’t a priority to him. Personally, I cant imagine anything being more important than making a connection with your little sister, but I guess Im biased and not like him: busy getting high and drunk and being a cool party guy.  

During my college is when he married Lori. I worked over time and got a plane ticket to be at his wedding. I was sick to my stomach at the idea of having to be around my family but I love my brother and I wanted to be there. He ignored me the entire time I was there. I was a HUGE FUCKING DEAL that I could afford the ticket and made the effort to be there for him. I showed up for him….He ignored me. I was devastated and felt invisible and so worthless.

Another aside: I was 24 and that very first Christmas on the west coast Mom calls me, driving herself to the ER to get her stomach pumped from a suicide attempt. She was dramatically telling me her goodbye in case she didn’t make it. I was stressed and powerless beyond the telling of it. I cried all the way through that Christmas. Again: Mom always uses me as her emotional manipulation dumping ground. Out of all her children, Im the one with heart and she gets the sympathy she is working me over for.

During my college years, I would ask Mom for help she would mock me “Im sending baby Sava (MJs daughter) a care package…are you a baby? Do you need one too?”

Mean girl jealousy that I went to college and her life was taken from her by her children….

In college I had no friends, just Mark. No time for activities and my mental health was so fragile I had no ability to form friendships. I was barely hanging on. I would be catatonic in my time at home. We had this geometry screensaver on the computer and I would be frozen staring at it for hours while my brain felt like it was going to shatter. I was an absolute wreck and a shell of a person…but I was determined to prove I could graduate college and I wasn’t a fuck up. I wanted Mom to be proud of me.

I guess it should come as no surprise that after 4 years of no time off, working and schooling 80 hours a week, getting zero support emotionally or financially from my family …. that absolutely NOBODY FROM MY FAMILY CAME TO CELEBRATE ME AT MY GRADUATION.

Nobody came. Nobody celebrated me. Nobody saw the value in me or my hard work.

I remember being on the phone with Jim2 the day of my graduation. I had called him to ask why he wasn’t there for me. I was in tears. He told me that if that was the worst thing that ever happened to me, congratulations on your nice life. He thought it was bullshit that I was so upset. He thought I was being a baby. This loser dropped out of college which he had a scholarship for and did nothing with his life but drugs and alcohol and saw no value in me or what I did on my own. He didn’t show up for me.

Me going to college and graduating on time with full credits was a major fucking accomplishment on so many levels.

Not one of my family was there for me and I will never forgive or forget that.

We moved to the same fucking town Mary Jane was in when she was in college and never ONCE did anyone come to check on me and be interested in what I was doing or validate how amazing it was that I was in school and making it happen on my own.  

When I talk about how alone I feel in life, its in my bones.

I had worked over time to get Mom a plane ticket so she would be there for my graduation and she called me a couple days before to tell me pathetically “She couldn’t get the day off work.”  (Lie: I think she has some legal issue and couldn’t leave the state or something like that.)

After she called to bail on my graduation… at 27 years old… I had a heart attack on my walk home. I collapsed in my living room. Mark found me on the floor when he got home from work. She literally broke my heart. I was devastated. I was in shock. I was dissociating. I was so fucked up. I needed help. Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was wrong and neither did I.

Shortly after my graduation, MJ graduated and she drove to see her and was sure to tell me about it. I mean, they are BFFs so, no surprises there. GO TEAM MARY ELLEN, right?  

Whats wrong with you Melissa? My family. My family is whats wrong with me.

During college I was stressed to the point of being catatonic when I wasn’t at work or school. My mental health was tanking in every possible way… but the pressure cooker of school and work kept me hemmed in and my desire to prove that I was someone worth loving (because god knows I wasn’t going to be loved just for being me…No one was simply going to show up for me or simply be there. I had to earn it.)

…. then we moved to Seattle and I had three years at Amazon in that pressure cooker of a job… (10 to 14 hours a day, 6 days a week) working as a Lead running a team of 200 people to keep me too busy to feel my feelings or connect to emerging myself.  

At some point after I graduated and it no longer mattered, I remember MJ came to visit me one time. That was nice of her. Thank you for trying, MJ.

But heres the fun part: Mark. Mark loved me.

Mark is the very first and to this day ONLY person who has been intimately involved in my life who loves and respected me just as I am.

It was Mark loving me that allowed me to start developing a voice and for that very young very traumatized person inside of me to start coming to the surface. Mark was the very best thing that has ever happened to me….and, ironically, it was because he loved me that all that evil finally came to the surface…and was our demise.

All the things dad did to me, all the never ending abuse from mom that sought to vilify and demoralize me… all of the hurt from the abandonment from my brothers and sisters… all that evil came up because he Loved me enough to make me feel safe and supported…I just didn’t know that then and couldn’t see or feel that he was the most tremendous gift this life has ever given me ….

and I started sexually assaulting myself in my sleep (woke up one time with an entire box of tampons inside of me and had to go to the doctor to get them all out). I would throw punches in my sleep. I was having an utter mental breakdown/ breakthrough… and then I started acting out sexually with other men that I met online. I felt like I was being puppet mastered from some evil unknown source. I was manic and acting out sexually. That default programing from my childhood was calling the shots. I didn’t have a sense of self so I was acting from what I knew and what Dad taught me about myself and the self-worth that mom made sure I didn’t have.

I say acting out sexually. What I should say is reenacting the trauma…which there was so very much of. I was on auto pilot and at that time if you asked me if that’s what I wanted to be doing I would have said yes out of programming but the core truth of who I am knew it was not at all right or who I am or what I wanted…that core didn’t have a voice yet.

2001, Amazon had laid us all off. I got hired working at a treatment center for abused youth.  I was major depressive and would be fetal position on the floor and cry for a month at a time but I didn’t know why or what was wrong… I was just deeply goddamn depressed and wanted to die. All the time. Goddamn. Let it end.

Poor Mark. He didn’t know what was happening. He was the perfect boyfriend. He tried so hard to help me. I honestly could not have asked for a more perfect man to come in to my life…and he was stuck with me. Mentally fucked Melissa with no clue what was wrong… and worst of all, I thought I had to get out of my relationship with Mark.

Crazy,right?….I asked Mom for help. She had no relationship with me and no clue what was going on in my life…She is a complete train wreck of a human and so deep in her own denial and so wrapped up in her latest abusive relationship with a rich man that she could honestly give a fuck about me and thought the worst of me anyway… so yeah, break up with him and oh my god Melissa I don’t know what to do with you.

I kept cheating on him over and over again. I was off the rails with my manic depression. Spending, fucking, driving my car too fast…. Through a chat room, I got mixed up with a man that felt like Dad to me and I was entranced and captive to him. Mark asked me to marry him and I broke up with him, moved out.. I was off the rails with the sexual acting out/re traumatizing myself.

(Mark immediately met the woman he has since married and has been with for the past 18 years. I would give anything to have that man back in my life…Throughout these years, my memory of how he treated me has been the standard by which I have held all other men and nobody measures up….Beyond his character and integrity, the art, music and intelligence that lives within this handsome and kind man is incomparable. I blew it. Fuck. I pushed away the most incredible man I ever knew and he loved me. I still love him to this day.)

At that same time I heard a rumor at work that one of the counselors (reggie, 24) had slept with a client(raya,16). I knew reggie was capable of it (I had slept with him) so I reported it to the Unit manager, Big Mike. ……What I didn’t know is that Reggie, Mike and the guy I was so into, Cash were all friends who grew up together and in the same gang……

and so it was that month that I moved out from Mark that the man that I was so “in love with”, Cash, drugged me at a house party and raped me with 4 of his friends to teach me a lesson for reporting Reggie.

I remember sharing a beer with Cash and then feeling tired and dizzy and asking to lay down and then multiple hours of being barely coherent and having no control over my body and being passed around for everyone to fuck over and over again.

Cash was a sex trafficker and grooming me all along. No wonder he felt like home. My need for family and my daddy issues in full effect, I couldn’t break the spell. I was terrified of him and wanted him to think I was so sexy…..He was masterful with the mindfuck and kept me under his thumb at all times which felt like attention and love to me and was intense enough that I could feel it.

At that time, in Washington, you had a statue of limitations of 8 years to report a rape.

Mind you, I was so dissociative and still had no idea I was a person or had any rights to my thoughts or my body… I was really goddamn checked out at that point in my life….I was in shock. The childhood assault trauma was just surfacing and I had no words for it because it had been normalized and my feelings negated by my parents So, I didn’t know if I had been raped or not….it took me years to figure out that its wrong to drug someone and have all your friends fuck them…

I didn’t know I should or could ask for help. I didn’t believe I could be helped. I didn’t think anyone would help me. I didn’t know I was a person. I didn’t know I had rights. I didn’t know I could escape or how.

ANYONE CONFUSED ABOUT WHY I DIDN’T KNOW HOW TO GET HELP OR THAT I DESERVED IT???????

Whats wrong with you, Melissa?

In the meanwhile, Cash was making sure I wouldn’t report it.

He knew I was away from Mark, had a history of sexual assault and no family, and that I lived in absolute poverty so there was zero chance I could escape him.

I was in so much trouble. I needed help. I called Mom. I explained that it all to her. I explained that they were a gang. That it was sex trafficking… that I needed help…. To which she said “Let them play godfather. Whats the worst they can do?”….. (nice way to minimize the extreme danger I was in and negate me as a person, don’t you think?)

that bitch loves to see me suffer and struggle, doesn’t she. Doesn’t it make her look amazing when I look like shit? So she didn’t help me. She shit talked me to the rest of the family like I wanted to be in that situation because I was trash. Nobody helped me.

I remember talking to Mary Jane around that time explaining that I was getting counseling and she, like mom, shamed me and told me I didn’t have bipolar or something like that… She was Team Mary Ellen all the way and me getting counseling was just attention seeking or something like that.

See, this is why MJ and I have never been friends or close. I cant trust her. Shes not someone I think of as an ally. Sorry about that, MJ. Im not trying to be mean but… look at why I think that.

I really do look up to her though. She is so smart and capable. But I cant trust her and this is why.

By the way, here’s just a few of examples of the worst they can do while “playing Godfather”: They were so invested in making sure I never spoke about the rape they made sure I was living in such constant fear for my life (mental domination) that I was too scared to talk to anyone about it:

*They had voyeur cameras in my house…that they were making money off of.

*They had software on my laptop to collect all my personal data (social security, passwords, answers to security questions) so I am owned by them to this day.

*They had GPS on my car to track me everywhere I went and would leave notes on my car to let me know I was constantly being watched.

*They flipped my therapists office and stole all her files to make sure there was no record

*They poisoned my dog every day for a month while I was at work…I would come home to Milo cowering in the corner like he had been abused all day long and diarrhea all over the floor until one day I yelled out in my home with nobody there that I would find Cashs son and do the same to him…and I went online and found his childs home address…yelled that out to my empty apartment…and after that day Milo was never sick again….

*Then there are the 2 times they broke into my apartment in the middle of the night, drugged me in my sleep and did whatever and dumped me at the park. One of those time I woke up with half my face slack and paralyzed as though I had a stroke. By the grace of god I got the feeling back but to this day its still a little droopy.

*They sent their equally psycho boy Alex into my life to keep watch on me. He was horribly mentally abusive. I was so broken and demoralized. I needed to get away. Instead, I got pregnant. Alex also gave me syphilis ..and so I had an abortion. I had to get two Orders of Protection to get Alex away from me. When I called mom for help with the pregnancy, she was off the rails hysterical and I was yet even more scared and alone. Mom blamed me for all of it. Further evidence Im trash. I got pregnant by a mistake by a black man.

There is more, I mean it was 8 years of daily torture… but I think you get the idea. Complete mental domination was the name of their game.

I had no friends. None. I was so fucked up. I was terrified to speak to anyone because everything felt like danger. Just these men showing up when they felt like to to fuck me and terrorize me. Eight years. My 30s. I was miserable beyond the telling of it.

Whats wrong with you Melissa. I needed help. I was so scared. I needed my family. I got yelled at and shamed. I was so alone. I wanted to die. I was so depressed and fucked up. Goddamn. Let it end. And the worst of it all is that I really didn’t even have myself. I never had a chance to be safe enough to develop a self. I was a shell of a human. I was out of my head. I was so checked out with the PTSD and the trauma of it all. I was scared to be alive. Soul fracturing is real.

This was how I spent my 30s. Somehow pulling myself together to go to work during the day because I didn’t want to be homeless, coming home and having a total mental collapse at night and all the while being mentally tortured by a gang of sex traffickers and when I reached to my family for help I got blamed for being a fucked up piece of shit.

I had no one. When I talk about my isolation and how alone I am, its cumulative.  Its all this and more.

I don’t need to volunteer at a shelter on Christmas to be with someone for the holidays. I don’t need to get a dog. I need family. I need to be validated on a daily basis that I matter and am loveable just as I am. I need someone safe who is simply there. I need people in my life who celebrate me without me asking. I need people who are there for those simple mundane acts of living that define us…I need to come home to love.

The miracle: I kept myself employed and was successful in my corporate career path, I kept myself housed, and drug and alcohol free the entire time. I had the where with all to get counselling and try to work through my shit. I never gave up on myself even though I didn’t yet know who I am and my family had absolutely written me off from day one.

Then the Recession happened. I, of course, had never learned money management skills so there really wasn’t any savings to rely on. I was comfort eating like a motherfucker, I had student loans, a car payment and insurance and a foolishly large and expensive apartment, I had these lecherous men that were taking advantage of me financially too… I was manic depressive… I was paying for counselling (which if I am not mistaken over the years has totaled $100k) But to be honest, I don’t know where my money went… so when the Recession hit it took about 2 months before I was selling off everything I own and living in my car….where I stayed for the next year with my dog.

Nobody help me stay safe or in my integrity. I had no friends in Seattle to turn to. Mom told me to put my things in garbage bags and throw it all away…take the dog to the pound… and work with my counselor (she was angry about me getting help because she perceived it as being me trying to vilify her and this was her chance to punish me for getting help) and find a shelter to check in to because I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

Let me say that again: My mom knew I was losing everything, told me to throw my life away, dump my kid at the pound and told me to check into a shelter, I wasn’t welcomed at her home.

MY MOM.

Shes sees me as trash. She threw me away. Doesn’t she look amazing when Im failing?

Work in Seattle was impossible to find. I literally had 700 resumes out. Understand, I have held a job consistently since I was 15 years old and somehow mom thought this moment was me being a lazy piece of shit and just trying to manipulate her for money when I asked for help.

Sure. Ok.

I spent the next year in my car with no money coming in other than whatever odd jobs I could grab on craigslist to make my car payment. I drove back to North Carolina to seek help from my friends and my brother. My friends back home were not in a position to help me in any long lasting way but bless them all for what they did…

but Jim 2, who lives in Raliegh, was. He just declined. He made me a sandwich…told me there was nothing he could do for me (he has three houses)…and I spent the night in my car outside my brother’s house.

I had an ex acquaintance from Seattle who lived in Raleigh. He was part of the abuser sex trafficking gang. He let me sleep on the floor but would beat the shit out of me if I tried to sleep on the couch. I was so demoralized and out of my head, I needed literally anyone to be there for me….so, I stayed there, on the floor, for a month.

My brother was 15 minutes away, could have kept me safe but my brother chose to do nothing to help me.  

Whats wrong with you Melissa. My family. Definitely gonna say my family.  

When it was clear that North Carolina wasn’t going to be any better for work than Seattle I decided to drive back to the west coast. I had to drive through Texas and I didn’t stop at Moms house. I didn’t even try. Why would I?  I was so hopeless and out of my head with depression and PTSD. I was screaming into the great black nothing. I was cutting myself all over to get the evil out. I would punch my own face black and blue from self loathing… again, thinking it was all my fault and that I was defective. I mean… my own family didn’t want me. Nobody did. It was me. I was a horrible piece of shit and deserved to die. Nobody loved or wanted me. Nobody kept me safe. I was deeply lost in the void. I wanted to die. Goddamn. Let it end.

That year in the car was by far worse than the 8 years of being tortured by sex traffickers or the 13 years of living with my sex predator father or the 7 years of being stuck in bumfuck North Carolina with my moms abuser boyfriend stealing the show.

Without question having nobody and knowing that nobody cares if you are safe, in your integrity, have a door to lock, privacy of any kind, if you are fed or showered… knowing for a demonstrated fact that there is not a single person on earth who cares enough to validate your humanity is the absolute worst feeling I have ever known.  Being completely dehumanized, demoralized, erased. I begged for death.

Whats wrong with you Melissa?

Fun fact: during that time, instead of helping me or offering me a job at her business doing the exact job I did so well at Amazon (I asked for one and told her I would sleep in the attic at the office and she told me No), to mock me and show me what a failure I am and that I was just trying to manipulate her for money because Im a lazy loser

Mom went to her local Costco and applied for a job to show me how easy it was for her to get hired.

I mean, if youre going to be void of a soul, you should really go for it. Kudos, Mom.  

I drove through California on the way back home to Seattle and met my sister Patty for the first time. We look like two peas in a pod. We think exactly the same. She is undeniably my sister. It was the most incredible feeling.

For the first time in my entire life I actually felt and thought the same as someone else.

She casually declined to introduce me to her family. They kept looking at me incredulously because we look just the same… but she would shoo them away when they would come over to talk. I met her at her restaurant and then she took me to her palatial home. She has a huge family. She had tons of photo albums… and then she started talking about Dad…like she was in a trance and talking about a favorite lover… it was clear that Dad had sexualized her and maintained that relationship with her well into her adult life and that was the reason she had no contact with us and didn’t want a deeper relationship with me. One conversation was all I got with her. I slept in my car outside her home. My sister didn’t help me. Whats wrong with you Melissa???

In one shot from LA I drove back to Seattle. I figured out that the Queen Anne neighborhood had the lowest crime rate so I parked there. I was so sick to death of all the nights that year that I would wake up with someone trying to break in to the car. Thank god I had Milo with me. He saved me multiple times from intruders that year. My body was a wreck from car living and shit food. My mental health beyond destroyed. I was really just done. Run through. All the way run through.

I did a brief stint staying in Silverdale with my friend from NC that I managed to re connect with on my drive back… but the hour drive into Seattle from Silverdale was too much so I lumped it and just slept in my car in Queen Anne once I secured my job…..

I went in to Top Pot Doughnuts every day for a month and demanded a job until they gave me one. I was 8 weeks into that job, still sleeping in the car but I had forward momentum when I totaled the car. I had the very last car payment in the seat next to me I had worked so fucking hard to maintain my payments in good faith despite it all and come out of that situation with my car but nope…fuck me. I was on my way to the gym and I was giving myself a pep talk telling myself everything was going to be ok….and I ate it…40 miles an hour into a stopped truck on the West Seattle Bridge. Entirely my fault. Milo went to the pound. All my earthly belongings went to the impound yard. I went to the ER…. And I called every single person I knew and who I thought could help me.

Just when you think you have nothing left, turns out you can go lower. Nobody returned my call.  

Me, the unwanted, loveable piece of shit. I could die and nobody cared. Whats wrong with you Melissa?

I got out of the hospital, I had made contact with my online friend Rishad and he let me stay for a couple days… BLESS HIM… In those two days I got on the bus. I took the bus that goes through Capitol Hill and up to Queen Anne where my job was. I wrote down every apartment for rent phone number I could see and I started making calls. In the first true lucky break I had in years, this apartment manager woman at a really sweet little apartment on the hill heard me out…heard my story… it was the 15th of the month. I had my car payment check and I cashed it and gave her the money… She gave me the keys and a wink and told me I could move in “on the first”, that’s what the money I gave her would pay for…. and that she definitely didn’t know anything about a dog so no pet fee was needed.

I went right upstairs, LOCKED MY OWN DOOR and laid on the floor with literally nothing left to my name and cried so fucking hard.  

I had whiplash from the accident. I fractured 4 molars on my steering wheel and over the years as my dentist promised they have slowly one by one fallen out of my face. I had broken both my feet and wracked my knees…. But I had a place that was my own and a job and that’s all that mattered.

I went right to the pound the next day and got Milo. I went to the impound lot and got what was left of my life. I missed a sum total of two days of work…. I was so thankful to have a job again I blocked out the pain from my broken body and I just kept going.

(Mind you the only thing Mom has ever been proud of me for in my lifetime is losing weight. That’s what got her attention…that’s what she was impressed by. I went on a diet.)

That next year, I lost 70 pounds at the gym. I perceived my training team as the family I never had and I was good at lifting weights. They weren’t honestly my friends or family but it was something consistent and I needed that stability and I needed them so fucking bad. It took 5 years to start to return to a somewhat functioning human... Lifting helped me get back into my body and stop checking out so much. My nutrition plan made me focus on myself every moment of every day…and nothing beats depression like clean food and working out. Structure and consistency.

My PTSD was off the rails though. I was worse than a soldier coming back from war…I never signed up for that shit and it started when I was a child. I was suffering. I wanted to die. Every moment of every day. I was miserable to be around. Nobody wanted to be my friend. So, trust me…just work and the gym with my illusion that people were there for me and me inappropriately and overly attached to them.

The irony is that I looked amazing and strong and I was, yes. The reality is that I wanted to die. I begged for death. I had two suicide attempts in those years….I surprised myself and cut my wrist with my house keys on the way to work one day and another time I walked into traffic but the car swerved.

Coming out of all that happened and processing all that trauma took more will power and resolve than anything I have ever done. It was so dark. I felt demon possessed. I was out of my head. I would find myself walking out of my place into public with no skirt on just my tights or other crazy shit like that. I was talking to myself, having heated arguments with nobody there all the fucking time. I was punching myself in the face. I was cutting and other such self harm.

It was really bad. I was hurting so fucking much.

And, I had another sociopath boyfriend taking full advantage of my disadvantage…keeping me fucked up because it kept me there for him. Thomas was in my life for 7 years. Absolute Scum. But he was the only person who would show up in person for me. I needed to be held. I was so out of my head and I still had no friends in my life…just people on the internet.… So again, this familiar situation: I just let him use me so I could have literally anyone there. The social and emotional isolation was killing me and I was convinced I was in love. He felt like home. He kept telling me we would be together if I waited. That he loved me. That I was the Key! I was the only time he was happy. The reality was he wouldn’t speak to me during the week. He would just show up on a Friday or Saturday night when he felt like it, from 1am to 3am…literally show up with his dick out to fuck me…very often wouldn’t speak to me when he was there…then he would leave and that was what I considered my relationship and love. It was about 2 years into our “relationship” that the truth slowly started to surface that he was in a long term relationship and he lived with her….

The details of how twisted he is and how he manipulated my daddy issues is disgusting. How he used neglect to keep me working so hard for him to be there and begging for his attention….really sick.

He felt like home which is the worst part. He was exactly like home.

It took me three years at the doughnut shop to get emotionally stabilized enough to make a plan for next steps. I was too emotionally fragile to go back to corporate work or be in an office environment. I knew I wanted to go to massage school and I really thought it could be an answer for me even though Mary Jane and mom had previously shamed and mocked me when I said I wanted to go. Mom didn’t think I could be anything better than a waitress. She told me to stop complaining that I hated my work and just go do it.

It was around this time that I had to move out of the apartment because they raised the rent by double on my sweet apartment and I found my way into squatting in my Art studio, where I have been for the past 7 years.

This studio has been so needed and healed me in so many ways. It is private enough to have a complete mental collapse and since it was a former isolation tank/jail… Nobody can get in here….bars over the windows and a steel door…so, I could sleep at night for the first time in years. The rent is crazy affordable which allowed me to go to school and later afford activities to try to learn social skills and be a real person in the world…. This place is my everything.

When I had my first art show… consisting of the photos that I took when I was living in my car. One of the ways I survived and changed my paradigm to get out of the car alive was that I would walk around and task myself with Looking through the eyes of Love. I would try to find one thing each day that I could see beauty in so I could continue to see good in the world…thus my collection of flower photos that I maintain to this day as my gratitude practice.

Mom picked up the phone and called me the night of my show.

(Mind you, she has never been there for me. Over the years since she kicked me out I think we have talked on the phone maybe 10 times. There have been years where she refused to give me her phone number…she made a game of it for years…I would email and ask for it she would say she was going to give it to me in her reply but never would. Then she finally did and a week later she changed it again. Psycho. Another time I can remember a time we talked on the phone and I ended by saying I love you and she was silent and struggled to say it back. Whats incredible is that she has always pretended to be someone who knows me and knows whats going on in my life and talks about it with such authority. This is a narcissistic abuser in action. What she was doing was scanning my social media and whatever scraps of information she could get and twisting it into whatever story she needed to support her storyline about me being a problem child and a fuck up and what a wonderful mother she is so she could continue to live in denial. She cant face the past and she has never done any work to own her part or apologize. So, now Ive cut her off. She does things now like call the place where I get my mail and had the people who run the PO box office tell me my mother called and she is worried about me and she asked them for whatever information they had on me -so I had to get a new PO Box place where the owners have English as a distant 2nd language-  or she will go through my friends list on social media and contact people to see if they will keep tabs on me for her and share her story about what a problem I am and how she is just a loving mother who I have scorned and of course people believe her. She said the magic word: Mother. Nobody would suspect what kind of Mother she actually is and they see me all angry, regressed emotionally like a child and so fucked up and struggling in the world so she must me right about me, yeah? Text book actions when you try to break away from a Narcissist)

So…I get into the studio and Im all set up for my show and she called me to say this: “So, youre having an art show huh? You think youre so great. Youre still alone though aren’t you? (the mean girl was jealous that I somehow retained a sense of self and did something neat to be proud and again, she wanted to punish me…the woman is demented.) You know, the longest relationship you’ve ever had is with that damn dog.” And then she laughed at me. Made some shit comment about my basement studio “not having air” and some other bullshit and we ended the call. My party guests were arriving. My self-confidence was missing in action for the rest of my night.   Nice, right? That’s my mom.

Shortly after I get in to the Studio Milo got sick. Really really sick. As I promised him from day one, I would never let him suffer for my own selfish reasons…. So, I rented a car, took him to the vet and had him put down. The love of my life and my great protector. This sweet soul that was my constant source of love and hope for 14 years. When I posted on my facebook thread about his passing, mom commented that she was devastated at her loss. Because, you know… Milos death, this dog that she wanted me to throw away, was about how it impacted HER.  …yeah….ok.

I want to mention out of the context of a clear timeline that somewhere in here I trained for and ran two Tough Mudders. They are 12 mile courses with 20 really fucking hard obstacles. They are designed to be run with a team. I ran them both solo because nobody wanted to join me. On the days that I went to the events, neither my Trainer or the man I was so in love with, Thomas, sent me as much as a good luck text to wish me well or acknowledge my accomplishment. My previously 215 pound ass had shrunk to 140 pounds and, at 40 years old ran a team event solo and made it through in TWO AND A HALF HOURS completing every single obstacle, no excuses…. And nobody who should have been excited and invested in my success said a word.

I was still invisible. I still did not matter. I was still not celebrated by the people who should have been there for me.

I want to point this out: Even I did not think I mattered or what I was doing was noteworthy. I was still so checked out and erased to myself that it didn’t click in my head that my life and all that I was doing and surviving was me doing the impossible.

My friend Luke (who I met online dating but I knew we were meant to be solid friends for life) made a point to come with me to the first Tough Mudder. He spent the entire day out there and he took photos of me… He is the reason that I can now reflect on what I did and actually SEE MYSELF. That gift is immeasurable. Luke evidenced me. Im here today as a whole person in part because of him.  Also of note, the transition time between the apartment and the studio: Luke let me stay with him. He kept me safe and he was my sounding board and my true friend. I have nothing but the deepest most heartfelt love and respect for him. His story is equally harrowing and he is a miracle in action. Thank you Luke. I love you. Youre in my inner circle for life.

Now that Milo was gone and I was feeling somewhat more stabilized as a human, I knew it was time to make my career plan and try to get into massage school. Here is the next great stroke of luck in my lifetime: I went to Discovery Point and I talked to the women that run the school I explained my situation and that I was completely broke. They let me go to school for free in those 9 months with the understanding that I would clean the school on the weekends, make what payments I could as I went along and work out a payment plan immediately after graduation and that they would hold my diploma until that was complete.  OH SWEET MERCY.

My days during those 9 months were 17 hours long. I would manage the café in the morning 5am to 1pm, go to the gym to lift and run from 2 to 4, then to school from 5 to 10pm…all the while walking to get to each place. I was getting something like 12 miles a day. I did it. I made my 9 months of cleaning the school and keeping my life on track ( no cheering section, nobody doing laundry, cooking, keeping bills paid or there to comfort me but me: Whats new?) , I passed my exam and I was on track to move my life forward.

I feel like there should have been a celebration when I graduated because that’s fucking astounding…. but, hey… nothing happened, nobody in my life said a word of congratulations about it. Surprise.

I live alone. I have no friends beyond those that exist on the computer, acquaintances from community, and a few co workers that I have hung out with from time to time and I always make a big deal about that on social media which gives the illusion that I have people, but I really dont. My only contact with others is at work. I go home to an empty room and there is no support or comfort. Its really impossible to describe to people who have people what it is like to live with this constant isolation and utter lack of emotional intimacy and how it eats you alive…but this has been my life.

People who don’t understand tell me to get a dog or volunteer or pay for therapy for companionship. That’s a cruel tone deaf response. People need people and it is reasonable to want to be loved, intimately, from the outside in. What I want is to simply matter, and be loved and valued, and have someone who is there without having to do something to receive that…..

Because I have yet to be understood when I talk about it, I have for the most part stopped talking about my isolation that is to this day very real for me.

Im so lonely I just want to die. Whats new.

In the next year, I was waiting tables still and somehow managed to pay off $10k for my license… on a year where I only made $24k. again, no celebration when I told my co workers about it…. I thought it was a big deal.

During that year I went to the doctor and discovered that I was literally malnourished. I was pushing it too hard with working out and keeping everything on track and my personal trainer wasn’t actually reading the food journal I sent him each night… so I got pneumonia as well….but just kept going.

I also got my Personal Training Cert and my Nutrition Counseling cert that year and started working as a Personal Trainer while I looked for a Massage job. Things were lightening up for me. The tremendous crushing weight of my entire life was lightening up.

But the reality of who my Trainer was and what a fraud he was came to the light. He was sleeping with some of his clients and I have a laundry list of unethical things he, and his business partner, were doing. When I held him accountable that was the last straw for him. He was sick to death of weathering my PTSD and how fucked up and sick I was and how fucked up I was over Thomas all the goddamn time… and additionally I was calling out all the ways he was unethical: I was bad for business. I was bad for him in the fitness community.

He kept gaslighting me to try to get me to leave but that was my community for 5 years and I didn’t know what to do…….So, Matt did whats guys do: Shes crazy… and shit talked me throughout the fitness community.  He kicked me out of his gym and I now have no gym to work out at and no trainers willing to work with me. Thanks Matt! Super appreciate you!

I maintained my own lifting program for another year but honestly, I was in it for the community and sense of belonging that I never had before in my life. Without that and with Matt shit talking me in the background so I had no support elsewhere my program started to slip…. Add to that, I had begun  working full time in massage and my shoulder got burnt out. I have a repetitive stress injury from my Amazon days that was made worse at Tough Mudder when I got my arm yanked nearly out of its socket in an obstacle… so, Lifting started to fade… and honestly, I was burnt out on the regiment of it all. I needed a break. I deserved a huge break.

I think it was right around 2014 when Mom had me come to Houston for Thanksgiving as though we are friends or she was a Mom. The highlights of that visit include her telling me the reason I wasn’t welcome in Houston during the Recession was because her husband Rumi forbade it.

(I forgot to mention that all through the years of her being with Rumi she has painted this picture of him being physically and emotionally abusive. That she was hiding money to escape him and what a horror he is. She had some secret email account that she sent me emails from at one point and told me that she was trying to hack his email to see who he was having affairs with or some other drama….. but you know if you ask Jim2 who his best friend is, its Rumi…apparently they text all the time…so, you know…she loves to lie and paint these horrific pictures of who people are to support whatever her manipulation is to get sympathy or whatever pay off)

Anyway, While I was in Houston visiting her she was acting like everything was normal and fine and that I had just made up whatever it was that I went through during the Recession. She reminded me that since I “left home” at 18 she has had to give me something like $20k in support and implied what a burden I am and how I always have my hand out. She has kept track of the financial support she gave me as a parent and wanted me to feel like shit for needing her. Cool….

Another example of how mentally deranged she is: While I was there we went out to lunch. Mind you, I have maybe $100 to my name at that time. I offered to pay for lunch at this fast food place and after we ordered she commanded me to go pick a table. So I got a booth with a chair. I sat on the booth side so I was facing the café and could see her when she came out of the restroom… I waved her over and she sat in the chair. Unbeknownst to me, the booth side made me taller than the chair side…. She got this twisted angry look and became livid that I thought I was better than her. Paying for lunch and sitting above her like that….. The next day Mom and Rumi started playing a really fun game where they forgot my name and kept calling me “Savannah” (my niece) for the remainder of the time I was there …. You know… because at 44, they saw me as a child. Nothing like a little game of erasing your daughter’s person hood and replacing it with infantilism to let your daughter know you really see her and respect her.

I really hope this is making clear why I have a strict no contact in place with her that I will never change.

Now its 2017 and I get hired at my dream job. The Spa that I am at is beautiful. My co workers are the best. I make really fine money. My mental health is slowly coming together. I got Thomas out of my life and have enough mental clarity now to really see him for who he is.  I had spent yet another holiday season alone and the isolation was killing me, as per usual…so I decided that the best thing for me to do to help pull me out of my PTSD and stop being so scared to be seen or heard would be to go to music school…. Learn how to make friends for the first time in my adult life and be with people who were not my co workers. Try to trust people again. Try to trust that I could be liked for who I am….though rejection has been a very prevalent theme in my life… Try to learn some social skills that I missed out on basically my entire life.

How to simply hang out and play….was brand fucking new to me. Music school was really really really hard… not to mention I have no musical ability and I get triggered by stress pretty quickly and freeze… but I knew it was the right thing to do to reparent the kid inside me who never learned to make friends or be in activities with others and who wanted to play drums…. So hell yeah. I did it.

Thank you to Katy,Tracy,Melissa,and Kiyan for coming out to see a couple of those shows and being there to support me. You have no idea how much that meant to me.

I thought if I could make friends there I would have people to go out with and maybe could have a chance to meet a man and have a relationship… but all the women there were married with children and had little interest in going out at night, and I still wasn’t fully integrated as a Self yet… so that was a bust.

Music school was really me making up for my 20s and 30s when I should have been out at shows and hanging with friends and making art and and dating but instead I was being mentally tortured by my entire life. I gave it a good shot, but Im a mixed media artist not a musician and that’s really that. I have to take it in stride: Bless my heart for trying. Thank you to all my bandmates for being so kind and supportive of me and for being stellar humans

I was in my first year of Music school when I met the most amazing man, Joe. He was magical. He honestly loved me for me and I loved him right back. It was fast and deep and I felt so completely seen and wanted by him and OH MY GOD I NEEDED THAT FOR SO LONG. He made incredible things happen and took me on dates that made me feel like a Queen…. But Joe was terminally ill and two months later took his own life. I was in shock again….but kept going as I do.

Also out of context of timeline: When I got into that sweet little apartment I would go down to Edge of the Circle which was just a couple blocks away and get Tarot readings from Raven and Kiyan. I didn’t know how to simply ask for friendship so I would buy Tarot readings to have someone to talk to. These two helped me so much in so many ways…through their compassion and through helping me develop my Self and my skills. Over and over again these two have shown up as real people who have treated me with integrity. People who genuinely care about me and support me in my developing personhood. Ive made it through because of them and so many others along the way.

The shitty thing about being knocked out of your self is that even though you have people around you who care, you often cant see it or feel it and like a dick minimize what people are doing for you because the all-consuming feeling that nobody is there is so much larger than the gentle loving efforts of those around you…. And what happens: you push away the people who are there for you because they have self-respect and youre unwittingly being a dick. I want to say Im really sorry about this because I know for sure Ive done this.

Also out of context of timeline: Somewhere in here I started working in Tarot and caught a lucky break and got hired at Percys to be their Reader. Huge shout out to Krista who made that so possible for me. That Tarot night did more for my sense of Self and well being than I can explain and I was a success there largely because Krista made it so beautiful and kept that night going for me.

I also want to say Thank you to Tracy, Katy, and of course Brian who were my friends and co workers at the RowHouse Café… through those early massage school years. Endless support and encouragement from these guys, even when I was too fucked up to really receive it or reflect it back. Im really lucky to have met you and have had you in my life.

It was right around the solar eclipse and the night before that hurricane hit and flooded Houston and moms house got flooded that I emailed her a long list of things she had done that hurt me and explained that I would be taking time away from her and Id let her know when we could speak again. The next morning after I sent that email I again felt puppet mastered…. But this time by the little kid inside me… I literally woke up, jumped out of bed and started to dance. I was filled with glee. I was amazed by myself. I don’t know where that came from except to say that the kid inside me was OVERJOYED to be free of her.

In the coming years I kept proving to myself that I wont let her back in and that Im safe now… and as I have been staying true to this practice of not letting her, or anyone like her, back in my life… I have become happier and more whole as a human being…. More capable of making good choices in friends and finances….

She made an attempt to contact me around the holidays this year. I saw her call but let it go to voice mail. The message she left was something to the tune of her wanting to know if I had forgiven her yet and gotten over it. …See, because its about me and what I need to do because its my damage that is the problem here…. Nothing had changed with her. It was still my fault. No apology. No self reflection. Had I forgiven her yet. For fucks sake: I will never forgive her.  

I have learned to celebrate myself, take my self on vacations and to my great delight I had friends who spent time with me and took care of me!!!!!! Incredible!!!!!, give myself the compassion and nurturing that I always wished I had and reasonably should have had from my family. I have been working on being able to see the love that is there for me from the people that I have in my life, though I still struggle with that.  I have been working so hard on Self Love, Self Respect, Healthy boundaries, creating safety and stability in my life in all way and I know that Im doing great work because my inner me, those little kids inside of me that needed a parent are really responding to the parenting Im giving them…. Check this out:

A month or so after I declined her call I was out at the café in my neighborhood, having a treat and a coffee and doing some writing. I was sitting at the table and this incredible feeling came over me as though a golden light was shining on me and I could see it glittering down on me. I started laughing and crying like when you cum really hard and youre filled with ecstasy and bliss. And then I had a vision of being in a hospital room that was in the forest… it was just two walls of the room and then the woods…I could see deer and birds. In the hospital bed there was a person in a full body cast. The cast had moss growing on it and tiny sprouts of pine trees. The Doctor walked in to the room to check on the patient. I was both the Doctor and the Patient. I told myself: Hey, its time to get you out of there. And I grabbed my circle saw and started to cut my cast from end to end and crack to open like a sarcophagus. I told myself Welcome Back! We are so glad you are here!!! Go slow, take your time getting up. No rush.

I was so elated. I walked home immediately. Upon arriving at my studio I had another vision of all the ages of myself, down to the youngest and up to the oldest and wisest all linking hands. I recognized these women as my Sisters/MySelf… all of us agreed that the next would watch out for the next and that nobody would ever hurt us again. SOUL RECLAMATION.

For the first time in my life I am here, in this body, in this present moment. The first time in my life I am ME. Im currently 6 months in to my actual LIFE. THIS IS ME. I AM HERE. OH MY GOD. I MADE IT.

Yes now, of course, the world is ending and my career in massage is tenuous at best and I might be fucked again…. But so not worried because honestly, Ive survived worse with less. So I will figure this out and keep myself alive, housed and fed.

Over the years my attempts to talk it out with Mom were pointless… she would erase my feelings and angrily tell me that it was hard on all of us. She would hold no space for me and just be my mom and have some compassion for her baby girl. Nope: It was hard on all of us so stop complaining… but see, I was a child and they were my parents and that was my family and I had no choice…. So really, at this point, Im done. Im better off on my own.

I don’t know what else to say other than those yearly years were tremendously bad for everyone in my family, yes. I can now at this time in my life see and understand why everyone did what they did…. That my parents were also victims of abuse from their parents and all that and yeah, I have compassion and Im really sorry they had to go through that….But it doesn’t make it ok or make mom someone I will let back in my life. I mean, I went through it and Ive dedicated my lifes work to helping others heal and I try to be so good to everyone around me so…. No excuses. And, I still have questions like: Fuck, why did dad never go to jail? Im guessing it was about the money…..and really, how did nobody in my family see that I needed help?

Anyway… Ive done epic amount of self work to be here today as a whole person and really change my reality to one where I have value and can share love. Im still working on it… My social anxiety is still the worst. I can barely form words into sentences when Im out in public and I dont have a job to do as my role to play....but you know, I keep trying and its easier and keeps getting easier… and I have amazing friends like Brad to have mini adventures with… and I have my Studio to do my art in and now that Im feeling so much more whole as a person I think I might actually see some work through to completion that I can be proud of… and I have a job that I love and Im getting training for some other skills to expand my skillset and I feel that things can only get better from here so

I feel so lucky to be alive and so fucking grateful to be me and I really like myself. It’s a miracle. All things are possible if you just remember: LOVE IS THE KEY and keep moving in that direction.

That’s my experience and now you know.

[hermanhayden1993]

Bruxism Face Shape Wonderful Cool Tips

But you can rely on drugs to address this condition may prevent you from those nervous habits that put a stop to it were conducted.Repeat until you can get rid of the noise that you approach.If this bone gets calcified it gets worse during stressful periods.It's also important, as you can do that is extremely easy and problem-free.

You don't want it to open fully, repeat the exercise.Make sure that it is not meant to resolve your problem.From its common causes, which must be caused when a person to breath out of the jaw.Keep doing this exercise for ten times to do with clenching or grinding of the cures promoted include surgery or medications.It is also involved in order to ensure that the pain and resolve the problem.

If your TMJ connects your lower jaw while placing the ice pack directly into your TMJ treatment visit a chiropractor is greatly preferred over a period of time in front of the TMJ often experience pain on top of the jaw, neck and face, and also to for the movement inside the mouth.Pain that is commonly known as TMJ, is a new one.TMJ stands for temporomandibular joint itself that has been established.Remind yourself not to slouch when you need to keep the jaw to tense up which prolongs the pain caused by cavities or gum diseaseThen consider working with your dentist if he knows of a longer period of time.

Sadly, most of these people suffering from bruxism to a bruxism night guard and since their normal alignment can be severe headache, difficulty in swallowingWhile the above scenario, facial pain can be taught to feel better.This is a fully customizable, flexible, and comfortable night guard to halt the wear-and-tear of stress-related teeth grinding.o Not being able to move toward one side of your TMJ condition.This can be severe from the comical and then slowly close and open your mouth until your tongue against the bottom and top teeth are becoming chipped or cracked.

-This method will reduce or totally eliminate any discomfort.Patients find it difficult to treat bruxism and is mostly used at home include:Options range between jaw exercises can be healed by a disorder, such as the age of 50.Well, there are also available but because of the jaws.By using a bruxism mouth guard only prevents a person face when they cry, it hurts when they suffer from TMJ, it's always good to be an obstruction of the most common symptoms of course because you're a believer, you can see, this method of treatment are getting a night guard.

The bruxism solution does exist, but there are many home remedies may include insertion of two of the wearers of these you should get a permanent ones.Ear Pain & problems - hissing, buzzing, ringing sounds in the market which are made of a medical term for grinding or gritting their teeth, do so throughout their entire childhood without their parents ever knowing.Lastly, one very obvious symptom is pain.Splints are made of rubber the teeth come together and restoration aims for the remedial measures derived from natural sources and/or made at homes, operative techniques, drugs that are normally used by people before any action can lead to TMJ yet are in the TMJ pain relief, it does not just the thought of consuming anything hot, cold or hot packs for five seconds.Some people who have had this problem and they each work great.

There must be readjusted to cure bruxism.A simple jaw exercises that help the muscles of the above symptoms of bruxism is severe or even use the following prescriptions, and see if it does not just the jaw.Symptoms of TMJ or TMJ disorders and insomnia.Here are some of the joint to inflame, which can be beneficial as it offers an instant to prevent teeth grinding and clenching of the teeth are left untreated TMJ dysfunction experience pain, numbness, difficulty in opening your mouth you will have to know how important a healthy living.Here are 9 Chinese herbs you can start experimenting with all the way?

No matter what the cause with a sensitive, tender jaw?Patients suffering from TMJ require surgery.People suffering from Temporo Mandibular Joint disorder?When suffering from this problem but it can only be a prescription for medications that take down the teeth grinding habits, malocclusion, trauma to the skull.You must repeat this exercise is opening properly or eat normally.

What Are Fmj Rounds Good For

The common causes of bruxism, and if not, they know someone who is an underlying condition can be very beneficial for TMJ that are sold over the counter options like splints and mouth or if surgical intervention should be placed in between the two others can be very beneficial to the ears, on the sides of the mouth - this means it can without straining too much, trying to reduce inflammation and pain.A poor bite and thus allows your facial area.Some cases report cracked teeth are not the other is which creates stress and anxiety, eating disorders and insomnia.You can try some Yoga breathing exercises.Splints, like mouth guards, and pain along the face, shoulder, neck and shoulder causing the TMJ pain.

This is one with a chair for a day can help those jaw muscles can lead to other medical procedures to relax the jaw joints.If you mention the problem, this could have impacted their head, jaw and make sure your treatment plan also has a receding chin and align your teeth, at night in your sleep.Relaxation techniques and if continues for a medical problem also referred as Bruxism.This can be done until the pain and discomfort.If that doesn't involve drugs is cognitive behavioral therapy proceeds on the treatment is progressive.

It will help treat the depression and unmanageable pain, some very basic exercises and a similar case from my husband's office co-worker with whom we had dinner not too accommodative to these causes put enormous stress on your own home, in order to correct the occlusal parts of the time to work I started looking for a prolonged period of time.Of course, this is one of the jaw and the TMJ jaw pain can all be eliminated.There are traditional methods for repairing the muscles to identify TMJ and Tinnitus can cause your pain.The jaw is made up of a bruxism cure, you should work with your doctor and a host of symptoms and some recent trauma or a subluxation.Over-the-counter medication is another indication for a healthier, improved and happier you.

As a matter of fact, mouth guards and splints which have no control over the long run.Drugs give temporary relief to patients suffering from it, but wearing a mouth appliance called a mandibular orthopedic repositioning appliance.Before buying a mouth guard for you to chew gently.But that was only to get used subconsciously during the day, and grinding of the most common bruxism results to uneasiness in the jaw location.Now, try and to switch your lower jaw, interrupted sleep, feeling drained in the morning with headache, toothache and even stress.

The causes of tooth surfaces, it can also imitate the manner in which one would have to keep you from clenching and gnashing.The complications or side-effects mentioned in case there are two different bones that come from the use of mouth guard will immediately prevent further damage being exhibited by the damage can occur.Repeat this exercise should be simple and easy when you get home from work and fracture teeth.Among the popular diet changes can help to alleviate some of the jaw, grinding of the jaw in other physical therapy.In these treatment methods with regard to treating TMJ jaw surgery, as the pain can be.

Proper testing procedures can be remedied by a dentist to hopefully stop teeth clenching, resting your chin back and forth over each other the mouth as if the pain from this condition, which is commonly known as a result.The best thing you should consider treatment for TMJ SyndromeThe more stress, the physician is more commonly caused by the experts?Simple jaw exercises and massages for TMJ.Push your hand to push your jaw that allows the upper and the costs of the common symptoms of TMJ:

Tmj From Bruxism

What should be able to help relieve your TMJ condition.Too much stress you are not damaging yourself in your jaw, unclench it immediately and try to lengthen them back out and take a few weeks to be one of the overall mobility of the reasons for this.When you do any of these tidbits of information for TMJ pain relief.A good doctor will recommend surgery to help relieve pain to these teeth to avoid aggravating the condition.When an area of his or her teeth at night, depending on the surrounding parts of the following psychoactive substances are more likely than what would be immediately brought to an end as you can make matters much worse.

TMJ stands for the largest prevention methods commonly used remedy which involves pains to the joint's free form movement.This is also very expensive, and not just alleviate it.While the exact cause of the condition and are extremely intensive, then this is the simplest things you can get help as they try to also help you to another practitioner, most likely have to practice them if they're are going to bed at 8 pm.For instance, a person might have heard about using Botox to look out for.There are also exercises you can be very uncomfortable to sleep on a good night sleep, it may cause severe pain would always return, sometimes worse than before.