#yuchannonikki

[y-ca11]

9/16/23 there was no use in getting out of bed

today wasnt as bad as yesterday was, but that isn't saying too much. i've still only dyed half my hair and haven't changed my clothes in over a week, but i don't think that's bothering anybody but me.

i stopped doing the workout that i told myself i would do everyday. i've been overeating too. my willpower and motivation is less than none.

i just stared at the screen for a solid 10 minutes. i really have no idea what to say. its usually so much easier to write about my feelings... is this because its actually to log it? cause its for a good purpose? maybe... i guess thats more than likely..

i'll just talk about what i've done today. that should be easier, right?

i downloaded HoloCure last night. i like it, its cute and fun and is just the right amount of challenging. i played my first run with Calli but failed pretty badly... so i used Ame and shes really fun. i beat the first stage with her and then used all my holocoins to pull for more of the girls.

i was stuck in an endless loop of only getting Mio so i stopped pulling.

i did an endless playthrough with Ame this morning. i lasted 30-ish minutes and got a spot on the daily leaderboard. i used all of those holocoins to pull for Ame upgrades and she is sat at level 14 now because of it. i got a new outfit for her too

thats... pretty much it.

my family has been gone most of the day so i've been alone. i thought i would be able to take advantage of that and be stupid and laugh loudly and play games with my boyfriend, but he's been gone all day too.

we've been planning on watching Young Adult Matters together for a few weeks but we weren't able to do it yesterday as we originally planned (only after planning and rescheduling it 5 time before that). i have a feeling we won't do it today either. maybe i should just stop trying.

i just asked him if we're still going to watch it today.

my feeling was right.

i'm so tired.

i wish i didn't bother getting out of bed this morning.

[y-ca11]

09/29/23feel like im going to break

all i do is ask questions. not happy ones either. i pry and i force my way into other people's ideology so that, maybe, just maybe, they'll feel how i feel.

i dont think im liked. plenty of people love me, dont they? but if i were to sit down and have a one-on-one with everybody who has said "i love you", im sure neither of us would be able to start a conversation.

everybody knows me. i talk about my interests so openly, i love hard and i love loud.

people tolerate, but they do not want.

and i could never say it out loud, but this is the reason why we supposedly dont ever dont anything that i want to do. because when i ask if you want to, i rarely ever get a "yes".

i am loved, but i am not liked.

i have a feeling that the only way i will be liked is if i stop talking about my interests. if i dont act excited. if i stop loving hard. if i become a completely different person.

1st place is not a position i am designed to be in.

[y-ca11]

自己紹介と警告

(self introduction and warnings)

i'm yuca, i'm unhappy so i post things on the internet that have the potential to make other people unhappy. here is a list of things i might possibly talk about, interact with, or mention. you know.. just in case...

warning警告⚠️

-> potentially triggering topics such as:

s/h, s/a, abuse, trauma stuff, ednos, depression episodes, generally really unhappy stuff, intrusive thoughts that go past the generic "hurt yourself and hurt others", like really bad intrusive thoughts, like.. like really bad, stuff surrounding bpd, npd, autism, anxiety, and adhd (is that finally all...? jeez...)

-> illustrated svicide, s/h, and bl00d

-> stuff about menhera, yamikawa, and jirai kei

-> i try to romanticize my brain mold as much as i can so it seems less painful

self introduction自己紹介⚠️

-> i guess i can be considered a NEET

-> hikikomori (shut-in)

-> can i.. be counted as a menhera girl...?

-> everything is confusing. i try to live as i'd like. arguing with people is stupid. i dont care if people dont like my opinions or ideals. theres no sense in being "morally correct". life is too short to constantly live how people expect you to

-> im sorry

-> i like manga and anime and stuff,, anything by inio asano is nice..

i cant say anything other nice things about myself.. i dont know what im doing

i feel pathetic im sorry

my daily "journal" tag is yuchannonikki

mute that if you dont want to see them