thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

fuck off, mom

can parents stop acting like they own us? you merely paid for my education, and you ask me why? coz YOU FUCKING GAVE BIRTH TO ME, I DINT ASK FOR IT. so i think you owe me that much, i have no hope from the govt, so atleast help me out here wont ya?

anyways, when i say parents dont own me, i mean in the decisions i make and choices i take. my opinions arent exactly meant to be suitable to be exactly like yours. fuck off. 

i just had an argument with my mom because she chooses to decide my sisters future, of whom she gets to marry and whom not, because she paid for her education. are you fucking kidding me? i just want to fucking run away from this hell hole. 

i said i dint want to marry a telugu man because, they tend to be consumed by caste shit talks exactly like my mom, judging people by a picture they send for matrimonial crap, and been clicking my pictures from my childhood which has been a very dark memory because im afraid shed just sell me off like shed been doing for years to other sisters and relatives of my family. 

apart from this fear, theres this haunting trauma of multiple cases, where most of these marriages that my mom was involved in fixing, did not end up happy, so they mostly blame my mom., and hence they are surely going to wait for when its my turn, to do what ever. 

and my mom isnt all “love love lovely person” shed do the most sadistical thing, and use emotional manipulation where every where she can. i fucking hate her for everything except for being naive. i really hope shed actually learn about things one day by herself, if she cant listen and take suggestions.

i wish her all the best, im so pissed i can barely think straight.

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

For the past couple of days, especially since the day tarak left a msg to Ray, I feel more and more disturbed by the thought of his mental health.

With Sushant's news, i think I was more consumed with guilt and all sorts of nightmares for two straight days, and I can't talk about this to anyone.

Man, tarak, if telepathy works, and right now I really wish pray and hope that it does for magic's sake, and if you can hear me, in my voice preferably, hold on buddy, hold on tighter, and please take care of yourself.

I love you, and please don't forget this.

I know how you hate goodbyes, I really wish we never had to say them to eachother, and I hope there will be a day when we don't have to say this anymore.

I have this really crazy wish floating in my head for a couple of hours now, If I die I want you to come to my funeral and see me off. Please?

These are some really tough times tarak, but this will have an end too. I can't wait to see you. But for that, I just want you to survive this and come out a stronger person.

Eventhough we spoke of "how a person creating problem cannot be the solution" I don't know anymore. They say love cures everything. I want to test it out.

Im so driven my emotion right now, and sadly I don't have anyone to share. I'll talk to the moon hoping that trick would work.

xo

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

math was so fucking fun

so many updates. coming soon.

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

okay, so the past couple of days have been filled with me studying for my upcoming UGC exams. and its been going amazing. i feel so empowered with all of this information in my head, which i can now call knowledge. plus, ive been getting a better stance of my ideas and sects now that i am reading so much more. im thankful to technology (brr, sorry heidegger) but its given me access to so much more than i need at this point, so ive been cutting down my sleep time to make the most out of it. i wake up around 10 in the morning and help out with the house work,and then shower and get started with the podcasts right from the shower. i research/read/watch videos/read on different topics, eat lunch around 4, and chill until 6:30 when i go to the terrace to take a walk. i met a few guys who come upstairs to chill. so far the interaction has been bare minimal, and awkward with me asking if they were smoking. gosh. i embarassed myself, but i dont care. 

anyway, my random update at this point is not exactly completely-uneventful nor random. its these thoughts that i get around 3 in the morning about tarak, when i am done eating my breakfast, that i never exactly got enough respect for my ‘being’, worse, coz i am a person who used to be so effected by this before i met him, because i have so much goddamn self respect. i literally feel like a toy who just got played, and now left alone. i dont think ill ever forgive him for this, because he has alot of ammendments to make and explanations to give, for his so called ‘past self’ as i am hoping he’s changed now. i dont care if he changed or is currently justifying his stance right now, because its literally none of my business. i, on the otherhand am not trying to defend myself and deny anything. its just that now i am seeing things which i was so blinded to see before,and i were to see any one with a person like him, id judge and probably pity her. mostly him, for being so. and ive not been talking to her ever since the whole breakup thing happened, because its just the whole phase shes going through and she got back to him, and i just dint want to act on it because SHE needs to figure things out for herself, she keeps texting me random half ass messeges and i just dont give a shit anymore. 

the point of why i am mentioning her again, is, she did warn me about tarak, but the premises were just not the same nor were they strong, nor were they valid. so, again,im not justifying my argument plainly, but i think if these views were ever established to me, id have given it a thought. but like i said, ‘i feel better for having figured my shit out for myself, by myself’. 

plus, although his ex warned me, i think it dosnt have equal effect on me, because number one, i dont know if thats a trustable testimony source, number two, again, i could not relate. 

at this point, i feel like im just negating others voices to make mine stand under the spot light, but i mean, just think of it thins way. for something to have an immediate effect, you need to get the best effective strategy., this worked for me this time, time really is the medicine.  i can get into and over a person just in a jiffy, this is both scary and exciting. 

anyway, if i made tarak sound dumb and jerky, i believe its because he is/was. i am currently in a phase where i am dissapointed in myself for being so blind eyed to all of these little things, but at the same time am glad i gotto get my head clear out of this, i feel like i learned enough to reflect it on something else, when needed.

all been said, good night.

im going to write about this in detail soon. bye. 

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

dear soul-mate, just know this is my kink.

<3

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

nietzsche, success!

/i took a small nap, mimicking a new day start, and began reading Nietzsche, from different sources incase i misinterpreted his readings last week/

and i succesfully finished his philosophical works, well, summaries for most part. today! and its 2:47 in the afternoon right now. it was quite productive and im hella happy for myself. i even made notes just now, well although ive been unmotivated to write, i made a sick flowchart of which i am so fucking proud.

now that i think about it, nietzsche is the first philosopher i liked this much to do this extensive research on, ever since i began preparing for the exams. woohoo. mostly, because i think i started with reading his works and not via some dumb reading we were offered at college. 

anyway, im glad, going to move to moore later today!

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

bad mornings

the day has been pretty bad.

wait, it has been “ugly” bad, and its only 11:42 in the morning right now. you might be wondering what could go wrong in this short part of the day, with just three people in the house.

well, everything.

i know i am exagerating, but hey, i am fucking pissed because people dont understand the concept of personal space. i was finishing reading my books, and i wanted my room to be looking pretty clumsy - to distract myself from certain thoughts. well, thats some stupid mechanism i use, and my mother comes barging into my room, early in the morning complaining how i NEVER organise my things. let me remind you, she never came to my room in the whole quarantine period, and now she decides to do it in the worst time ever, while i am still asleep, waking me up and i am so irritated and disturbed-all too early in the morning and i break down. 

after all of this she begins to sweep up my room, clear the books and put it back in my shelf, all without actually keeping quiet. i just dont understand how she can be so noisy, god why am i whining? i am so irritated i dont give a shit.

and l get blamed for alot of shit meanwhile, father also attacks me saying i dont wake up early, turns the fan off, and im sweating and crying at the same time. well atleast they cant see.

okay, if this isnt clear yet, i have certain things i like to make sure. that i sleep with a pretty good mood, and wake up in a good mood/note. its going to effect my entire fucking day. so i wake up crying, and decide to hide in the kitchen doing the dishes, and my mom says she wants a share. i give her her part, and she dosnt stop ranting about me with me, and expects me to shut up through out. thanks to the power of time, i just finish it asap and come back to my room. to take a long bath and relax, only to get my clutch broken, and the worse, my hair soap falls down the drain. urghhh. i had to cut my shower time just enough for water bath and well, now im being forced to eat breakfast when i am Hangry, and dad just said he wants me to sit in their room and not mine, because the timepass that i do dosnt need to be that isolated.

well, fin.

p.s. my hair looks like malinga’s. woohoo.

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

random update

i dont exactly feel good. something very small and insignificant reply triggered me, and i feel ashamed and feel more gloomy after i realised how i let that tiny msg effect me. its like an infinity loop. anyway, here i am trying to make my mood better, i heard an amazing podcast on 'Hannah Arendt' and 'John Rawls'. i think i admire Arendt so much for all of her works, and how her whole philosophy came into being. gosh, and the whole question about "who could be the mother of philosophy" was now no longer as bothering doubt for me. i need to finish my research on other female philosophers before i actually work on locking her position. but she seriously is a gem, her interviews, and books are pure magic. i just began them, and im so mesmerized. on another news, im two timing between vandana shiva's "oneness vs the 1%" and "animal ethics". watched this documentary called "the act of killing" the other day, and nearly got shot myself to death., because of how these people were brainwashed with the political and revolutionary tactics, to kill lakhs and millions of people that way., and after years they are still in denial and are convinced that what they did was correct and that "right ad wrong" indeed are in the minds of whos interpretation of history we are reading. brilliant work. i was so affected by it. reading up few flat earth theories for comic relief. apart from that, been talking to surya and catching up about other indusians. we had three and half hour phone call the other night, we ranted and sang for hours together. gosh i miss that guy! omkar seems to be effected with that documentary too, dint think he had it in him, but he sent me some other research work too. ohh, and there has been some news regarding parellel universe, although NASA discredited it,ill still wait to prove my theory: after death we just enter the other universe, based on the energies we emit, we might either enter a universe where time is faster, which makes it heaven., or we might enter a hell- where time is dead slow. well, this is the theory ive been stuck to from my childhood, im kind of proud of it. the forests in karnataka are in threaat, because of a railway project, mada forests in Andhra were also cleared last week. i feel like shit. aatreyee is out of reach because of the amphan at her home region. what is happening! i checked jharkhand status last night, but i dont know, nothing looks predictable.

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

dream 2152020

dont remember the exact pattern of the dream. but it starts with me and a stranger(girl)  waiting outside miranda hostel gate(similar looking set), early in the morning claiming to be waiting for our respective friends. after a long wait, when we were denied entry inside, (for unknown reasons), so we decide to wait for the Friends to step out , and since we dont know phones? we just decide to pass our time talking to each other. she asks me about myself, and apparently im studying law. and have high dreams, and great responsibility and family burden since they are all from the same bg. we laugh at some lame jokes we made about family to easen up the situation. and she tells me shes an arts student. clearly intriguing me, and she tells me more about art history and i spill my passion for it, but how i had to cut it down for dedication towards law. shift to intense class, where it pretty much looks like an am-phi theater looking really rich classroom, with polished wooden interiors, and nearly everyone looked and spoke brit. i answer questions in the class, and none other seems to even care what the prof is asking or saying, until this one dude, also english looking somewhat grows to become my competition in class. we later somehow meet up and talk in the library, we study together in the lawns, discuss and have heated debates, which i no longer remember the content of,and just basically spend most of the time together. there were changes in the semesters, where we took different courses, so we used to club our notes and discuss them, which is something im just not over at- its beautiful. i remember us meeting , as we walk from opposite sides of the floor, which was semi circular, in the middle, and walk down the stairs to go to the canteens. it was such a beautiful scene, i cant get over it. but something strange happens,, we suddenly stop talking, and i have made alot of visits to his place, where in he basically shuts me off saying "i let him down" and "he dosnt trust me" which made sense to dream-bindu, but irl-bindu dosnt remember the context of any of it. she makes way to his hostel everyday hoping this try would get them back together, but one day, his supposedly best friend opens the door instead of him, and tells me he is gone for good, because he could not stand being 'dead inside' and i was a constant reminder of everything bad in his life, so he basically left. gone. poof. well i did the next best thing, cry everyday in all the places we spent time in, over bet my self into studies, because i still had this haunting on me, and basically had no life except for acing the exams. i declined offers and dint attend classes, just built myself a fort of books and lived in it, give the exmas, and get done. there were few scenes of a depressed looking bindu back at her home, where again she looks dis=interested in dinner conversations with her family, which was now a large family, and was again not in my home setting. it was a posh setting, and clearly irritated irl-bindu, and dream bindu was not impressed by anything, let alone this. she had a huge room, big windows, and she played records as she sat down near the window, lost. (parellel to me sitting near my window irl) and she has no diversion unlike her time at the university. so she writes her pain away, everyday every time, shes found with this jounal type brown book, and after a point gives it up as she realises its better he be left alone, as she dosnt want to be a reminder of of anything but beautiful memories, hence decides to give him the space he deserves. although practically she did give it, it was not until now that she freed herself from the thoughts of him, laced with guilt and hope. she returns to the campus, theres this one shot with a voice over, of the new subjects i choose for this term, which i sounded excited for, and as i am climbing up the stairs of the library's last floor- (i know it because it is miranda house library) i get a glimpse of him, who looks at me at the very second and turns his head away to his side, avoiding me. and the voice over goes, "sometimes normal is troubling" and an odd bell rings, and i am now bought back to the miranda hostel gate looking scene with the girl, guessiing i narrated the entire story to her, and she just hugs me before leaving with her friend. and i sit there waiting, still.

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

tarak,

lets not beat around the bush, i miss you. like alot.

im not even going to get into what are the things that keep reminding me of th time we had, because thatd be me listing out my every minute of the day. yes, there are times when i remember you not for the good-reasons, but mostly i end up wanting to think of you instead of living in such a denial of ‘im over you’.

i know you must be going through alot, im not trying to compare us here, on who is feeling it more deeply, quality and quantity- how much ever of a utilitarian i claim to be, i want to be stupidly selfish enough to say i feel it hit me very hard. especially when i see people around me claim their relationships to be like the epitome of perfection and love, i just cant help but think of the beautiful masterpiece we could have made together. 

they say ‘chaos brings art’., that, time will tell. until then, ill just sit around and feel things like how its supposed to be.

i hope its not that hard on you.whom am i kidding, how much ever i convince myself that you will get over me, by pouring alot of ‘hate’ like how your friends wanted you to, im still silly enough to hope that you wouldnt be that harsh on me. gosh, this is never going to happen is it? im only going to die in dissapointment of letting things go this far, and getting nothing in return(when i now have the chance) or do i?

i know you, i know the charm, i know how you effect people, and how much ever stupid and goofy you get around me, i know what you are- or atleast i knew. why did we let things go this recklessly? i was immature, but why dint we sort things out then and there. gosh, i just cant look at the word jodhpur without a little guilt., i cannot look at any word starting with a T, and has both R and K. 

do you have any idea how many songs have the word tara, taraka, in them? its like some stupid prank someone is pulling on me. my mom also began to ask me how youre doing, she out of everyone, made an assumption that my mood is practically proportional to my time on my phone and phone calls, which basically is only with you. so she goes like “oh, tarak dint call today” after few days, she began to wonder if things were fine with you, and i burst out angrily, that ‘you should be fine because youre avoiding me’. please be true! anyway, i dont care where this questioning is coming from, but i reasoned out how this equation of my good moods being equated with our calls, was a little irring in the beginning, because i dont think i need some ONE person to keep me happy. it was a troubling thought which i used to hold a grudge on myself for depending on you for what ever greedy reasons. but i began to realise how first, that wasnt the case. i wsnt greedy on this reason, i was just looking for a support and a person to share my happiness with. i was greedy maybe when it came to things like, eventhough i knew it was hard for you, i was still there poking things and making it harder for you. TO THE EXTENT THAT YOU NOW BLOCKED ME. WOW. im not blaming you, maybe you did the right thing. maybe if you dint do that, we could have pulled each others hair out in this menace. but did we really do the right thing if i am feeling this way right now? whats the point tarak?

its 10:10 right now. wow. 

honestly, there are times when i thank myself for this space, because i really enjoy doing things for myself, but by the end of the day, i really hoped that youd call or email, so that i could tell you about all the amazing things i read, watched, discovered and i desperately want to share them with you, but i cant!

i got back to my bubble, my day basically revolves around reading and arranging my library. i still hold heidi close to myself when i sleep every night. i really regret not finishing it for you. but i dont know how much meaning she hold to you anyway. shes my world, she is the first thing i was obsessed with, and i thought she’d bring you similar joy, but now we never know i guess.

ive been doing philosophy for NET, although i havent started in serious mode, illl get there soon. i applied for an internship navdhanya, and have made plans of what to do with life., quite roughly. i even made a bucket list, of things i should try, filled with things that fascinate me. sample, fireflies. i never saw them in real life. and now i feel bad just by that thought. but yeah, i was pretty serious wheni made that list, and i keep adding things into it every now and then. i dont know why i mentioned this now, but i felt like it. ohh, since im updating about life, i should mention how i spoke to dad(basically, a mail) about most of the things i could never say to him, mostly stressing on how now i should be left unbothered. 

since i couldnt give rockstar another chance, sorry boss, the thought of having to go through that actress’ bad acting for three hours was itself torturous., i found the screenplay/script of the movie., and let me tell you how good i felt after reading it. i had better actors in my mind, and i dreamt about it for a couple of nights. it was a rollercoaster. i think screenplays do that to you. its like reading the book instead of watching the movie, but rockstar has to do with the songs, and since i had a clue about them, i can justify now. and i think i understand you better now, but i dont know, my timing of watching the movie is like another satire. not just this one, many more. gosh, i have like an entire saga of things i could use to cry over to. the other day, i cried while reading tagore poetry, although that was a worthy reason, its crazy how i dont know what little thing could be a trigger.

but how much ever i might try to romanticize all of this, tarak, i really think apart from the happy and goofy times we spent, which dont actually matter as much if we look back(except for nostagia purposes) id say we both needed a better versions, and both of us seperately too needed to be honest with what we are.. not just in showing the other person. im talking about myself mostly. and, for what ever we had, id hate to call it, but because of the lack of a better word, lets admit, we were toxic. and i have to say, how much ever you tried to get over your ego and wanted to be a feminist, looking back at minute details of the interactions we had, plus from the ones you talk about to others, i realised how often there were times when you basically preached something and failed to follow. im slightly ashamed to admit this, but i have gone through a phase of man-hating when i realised the things i have seen around,  thats basically when i realised how these could be the things you failed to see, (and prolly reasoned out for good enough reasons) but somewhere deep inside, i know its not so.like i read it in some book, (which bt the way, i should say felt like i was reading line by line about you) because it talks about how men who seem woke, but still choose to do the same thing, although for different reasons(or so they claim) is another result of the system. and i just cringed at this thought. because im sorry, but i felt it multiple times in our stay together. 

tarak, honestly how much ever im loving reading and researching, im afraid im getting very theoretical. now i cannot stop myself from pin pointing mistakes in everything, and am clearly missing out the beauty in things. if i learned one thing, love is for people who want to give up reason. if you are too calculated and stubborn, you can never love. im not saying im getting calculated and all brains-no-heart, but im slanting that way, and im just afraid i might never find redemption because i like this more. id choose this over love. for now. im sure time will prove me different, but let me tell you how much i value reading and art.

i guess we never spoke about this, why did we not? 

you know the whole ‘books are my bestfriends’? this is literally my life summarized. in my entire time at indus, i basically spent most of the time in the library, or in the washroom- where i used to sneak in, to bunk science classes. i had a reading tree also. under which i used to read in the sports period. prajeeth was a science guy, and the labs were right opposite to the library, so he used to keep a check on me, i often got late to catch my evening bus, so he’d make sure i dint. not to forget the music room. that was another room i spent some quality time in. while the library was in the first floor of the new building, the music room was in a circular room, on the terranc. the whole terrace was for music and art. we had a lot of empty open area where we were given assignments in. i love that place. id want to take you there one day, if, you know... 

so as i was saying, i just prefer reading and listening over anything. at this point, it feels like i know nothing apart from these both. i know you wouldnt agree with me being a good listener, but i know me, and i know im good.

well, now about us, i dont know. i really dont. i may say id be happy if you move on, and find yourself a woman, but i dont know if i can say it at this point, when im clearly meaning it. so, i can only hope for you to become a stronger person, collecting yourself from all of the past. and if you’re moving on, good for you., but id like to take my own sweet time with my memories of you,us, and laugh cry cringe all at once slowly. im not sating im attempting to get over you, because somehow that is making me think about you even more, and its actually making me want you for a whole different list of reasons. ill stick to this natural flow, and ill see you when i see you, years from now, or maybe more. somehow in the midst of some really stupid portions, there are some things you set a high limit in, for men to fill in- who might enter my life. so its going to be a big deal if i commit to someone tarak, and id still want to share about it with you, i dont know if that comes out from mere friendship or more, but i dont mind either ways.

i want to say this one last thing, because ive been wanting to say it for a long time, after the phone call.

it might be years later that we meet,and finally talk, when ever it is, how ever long it has been, if you turned out a good man, not just rational and responsible but realist and a romantic., id love for me to fall for you all over again, or maybe fall correctly* this time, until then ill wait.

 i want to wait. 

that’s me. there are surely many more things i want to say, but i will wait, like i said, and its not like youre going to read this, so its fine. ill look forward for what is coming, i hope you are healthy and are fine (at the least). i miss akbar, i hope aunty is not having a hard time seeing you break down anymore, i hope thats not the case, dont cry tarak! did you stop smoking? i was thinking about it on the 26th, i hope youre sticking to your resolution. i miss the smell of it, i sometimes open my specs-case to smell it, and it reminds me alot of you and red rum. its amazing. i miss it all, i miss you guys alot, i miss you babu. take care. 

xo

raaga.

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

unrequited

watched another master piece of a movie just now, kadambari. which revolves areounfTagore’s sister-in-law, and her relationship with him. its just full of emotions, and i cant stress on how many layers of emotions i have felt in the 1.5 hours of the experience. it was beautiful in the purest sense.

the ‘unrequinted’ has always been both mysteriously beautiful(while im romanticising) as well as loaded with pain in every inch. 

the movie i watched this afternoon, parineeta although i thought would end up similarly, did not., but i connected to both for different reasons, here im not even trying to compare. one is a possible bio picture, and the other one is a classic written ages ago. both have very complex characters., surprisingly i connect to both of the female protagonists. 

im just too shaken after watching these bengali classics, i mean it would be a shame if i even try to comment on this man.

how can this happennnnnnn. i dont know i feel cheated for kadambari. she could have become a very notable poet, written her heart out if she had no one to talk to, after tagore’s marriage and her husbands adultery, and the childs death, i mean, i just cannot stress on how plots like this, which i see happen in equal rate irl, where they suicide because things look too grim for that particular moment, but i just dont want people to waste their entire life for something like that, how much ever significant it is for them. 

yeah, my own words sound astonishingly stupid to me right now.i am no one to judge them on how to live their lives, and i can only imagine the dark place they must have been put into for taking such a drastic and dramatic decision. but i am just full of salty tears for now, i just cannot get over all the possibilities.

not exactly aiming to change the subject here, but i feel like humans actually are so driven by the ‘possibilities’more than anything. it helps both inventions and discoveries on one hand, and gets a person depressed and illusioned on the other. both a boon and a bane.

anyway, somehow i have been hit with my own depressive plot of little romantic time i had in the past., i dont know- guess its been a while now since we spoke, and he probably must have tried alot to get over me and evrything i have done and put him through. i hope he is successful. i want us both (mostly him) to forget about it. i like feeling disturbed by these thoughts, and making random scenarios occasionally of the possibiilities, and smiling to myself. for what ever it was worth, i hope he is happy. this quarantine is just making it hard for me, i dont know how to confront any of my acquaintances if i see them. my relationship changed with everyone in these few months. not surprising actually.

im going to dive into some tagore literature now, to find scents of kadambari myself.

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

hmm, flat earth?

me

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

some nietzsche

as a philosophy student, for the past three, something years, even though ive heard the name and few quotes, i  never extensively read any of his works per se, except maybe some experts like i mentioned. and held a pretty positive opinion on him, but never actually went to read about him or his works, for some unknown reasons, basically i lacked the will, brr.

so now, upon me opening my challenge of reading writings of contemporary western philosophical influencers, our first subject was NEITZSCHE. and damn, can i begin to talk about the regret of wasting my life before encountering his pure nihilistic and disinterested style of works, both which i admire. i read about his personal life, and pretty much sympathize this poor guy fro all of the rejections, adn cant help but empathize for most of it, from my own experiences. i got a little more connected to it(his philosophy)

so i finished his reinterpretations of few of his articles, read papers, his letters, his philosophy strikes me as close to perfection starting with questioning ‘what comes after humans’, ‘uberminch’, ‘the three stages of evolution’, the whole concept of embracing ones envy. although i have slight problems with the truth being subjective and merely dependent on the perceiver, i believe this was a easier way to go about for him, and all of the philosophers who believed so, because there is no possible way they could prove the ideals of plato or some sort of objective morality/said concepts. but i still stay loyal to my position of believing in something objective, maybe im just getting closer to it or hell, ill change my mind before it. but for now, thats something i want to hold tightly.

again, nietzsche’s concepts similar to my encounters with other philosophical theories strike as nothing new. like something ive known for long enough, and somethings i thought were natural to be thought that way. this, im heavily referring to ‘the 3 stages’ or the ‘envy’ and the approaches. 

so over all, nietzsche got me, in the very first go, and maybe hes going to be the one ill leach on to, after hegel, ma boi!

okay, another news. all these years i was broken between idealism and materialism. had thoughts about nihilism, but it wasnt until now that i rejected nihilism. i mean, im surely someone who makes it her home in between idealism and materialism, more tinted towards materialism, and has beliefs of universality(although still not well equipped with) but not going to be stolen into nihilism especially. 

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

parents, rant

 a random rant, which has been in my head for long enough, but i just cant process it in a rational way, so i have been giving up.

so, my ‘mom’ wants me to hold some sort of different platform for her and my father, which i completely understand. it comes from the fact that she gave birth to me., and has been financial support, and what not. i get every word of this, but i just cant figure out what the deal is, when i dont actually respect any of this, anymore. somewhere along the line, i lost interest in giving people respect, which they demand, and have not earned. i dont know how and where this whole norm of parents being the gods came from, and mine are completely obsessed with it. it not only entails mere respect, but “i cannot back answer”, “i cannot disrespect their choices, which they make for me”, “i cannot fight back about the rules they framed for me, which make absolutely no sense what so ever” “i cannot treat them as my friends”. somewhere down the lane, i feel like they have never exactly been the parents-parents, the ideal version (although i know theres no ideal parent whom i met till date) all they do is, merely act out the roles of parents, which looks more like a pick and choose what they saw around themselves growing up, what they liked, what they wished their parents did for them, what movies and media had to offer regarding stories and roles of parents. and this mixture has never been a healthy one, trust me. its so screwed up, that i no longer know if its okay for me to keep submitting.

so i did the next best thing, and wrote a letter to my father on my 21st birthday, after a series of breakdowns he himself has witnessed regarding my life falling apart, and i was in a dilemma of wanting to be alone vs. corona forcing me to stay indoors. i knew coming back home is only going to make my mental health worse, in most of the ways because its going to get straining for me to be conscious of what i am doing, because there are people constantly watching what im doing, and monitoring every step of mine, and providing remarks about them while im eating! i cannot enjoy the slightest of these days even in my imagination. its seriously my nightmare. but here i am. what is the worst thing that could have happened? everything! my father dosnt have to go to his work, since its work from home, my mother is going to be hella bored with no stuff to watch on soap operas, and i have a hell load of mental burden and emotional trauma i was trying to recover from. 

bad combinations

nothing was helping, friends, TV shows, music, none of the previously used distractions could be useful anymore. 

so, back to me writing a letter to my father, i dont know if that actually worked, because we never spoke about it, ever. i gave hints about how i dont choose the career option they thought i should be going for., and told him how i dosnt feel ‘home’ when ‘im home’. and that im looking forward to getting independent, financially, and metaphorically too. but yeah, i never got to speak to him., i dont know if i want to either. but yeah, i should get some sort of confirmation that he actually read the letter. right?

anyway, so my mom from the past couple of day has been “yelling” literally because she thinks ive been disrespecting her, by treating her like my friend, and not giving her the special status of a mother, and blames it all on-me living in a state far away from home-which bought this change in me. she makes it sound like its some sort of destruction that happened, and like i was possessed with some demon in my stay at college.

if anything, ive got more vocal about what i want, how i want, and what matters to me. and frankly, not much of family goes up the list. 

to be more honest, none of what i experienced till date, none of the friends or relatives deserve to go up to this list of people i respect and value., because ive been stabbed in the back by mostly all of them, the rest, i cannot trust because of this.

they say (and i do believe) the first level of teachings begin from home/family who shape you up, and i dont know how a little experience of one 8 months can change all of the childhood i got, but im glad that happened for me to finally open my eyes. but im sorry, truely for what ever my mother is going through tight now.

im sure shes broken, she has all these expectations on me, because even my father has been ignorant for most of the part, she craves attention, and love, which is too late to develop because i feel unconnected with all of the drama. she longs for belongingness, and i dont know if i can offer, because we both stand and follow two complete contradictory ideologies which can never make a pact to stay together without dishonesty and faking. im done living that life. and i dont want her to deal with it either.

i honestly dont know how im going to be dealing with this, because i know i owe them for the things they have done for me(for some unknown sentiment of mine) and i want to show them i can go places, even this attitude they so disapprove of. 

dont get me wrong- she has been there., not expecting much from me, when i was broken, but most of it, as i said was forced because she felt like she needs to do, as a parent. i dont know how the emotion- caring, love, feels like anymore. if i think and look back, i dont find it at all. i was so clouded by my own complexities that  i never got to feel the simple raw emotions., so what is the point of life now?

search, learn.

(over all, i feel i have some sort of ego thing going with my relations to authorities. i can never submit to them, or the old orthodox ways of functioning if i feel thats not my type. rings me bells from my relation with college authorities, wardens, and seniors, and now parents too)

but for real, what makes a family, family?

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

n o - n e w s, news;

okay, got some more tea? 

actually nope.

two past days have been a little event-less, when it comes to ranting or discussing. 

on another news, Rana is getting married(i was so shook from the news, that even now, after an entire 24 hour later, im not over it. im sappy. happy coz he’s found someone who convinced committment. sad because it was unpredictable. im not whining, im just way more than shook at the moment), ive been binging on ‘how to get away with murder’, been reading Peter Singer’s ‘practical ethics’ and Nivedita Menon’s ‘seeing like a feminist’. 

okay, i need to talk about the latter in detail. but im only half way through, so i guess ill just make a different post about it some other day once i finish the whole book. its amazing, like an entire years worth of Indian sociological scenario in one book, i guess. 

havent been talking to anyone much. my eyes are hurting a little, guess because my specs are broken and ive been procrastinating to fix it up. gughhh.

made cakes, mangoes are getting better as the days are getting more towards the hotter side. been walking on the terrace in the evenings, home is getting too monotonous. met two guys on the terrance, but we just walk past each other, never actually spoke. good to see new faces,something different-and my type, after long. 

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

rant: relationship, pt 1

okay, so long story short, my friend was going through a hard time with convincing her boyfriend to trust her, that she has no intentions of getting back with her ex. 

i wasnt exactly intending on making much of this, but just tell her to break up with the guy,if hes being too much of a toll on her mental health, and if he cant help himself to trust her. because from what i learned, we cannot bring people to trust us, atleast through words. ‘what happened once, always can happen another time’. what ever. 

okay, this interaction with me breaking things down to her, got me thinking about various things with my own life and relationship i shared with a close friend of mine. we had troubles with trusting each other, because in a way, we never got to accept each other in the truest sense, when we had the time, and then, when we realised we are too late to repair the damage.so (i guess) we cut it off, we dont talk anymore!

okay, so me, actually talking about this, is because her talking about her relationship made me realise how much my relationship with HIM was very very damn special. im not holding a bias because it involves me, but honestly, i could sense it. our relationship was complicated in many layers, and it was beautiful. not being a masochist, but i liked the hardtimes too, they made me feel alive. we somehow worked together to solve any issue we had, any awkward situation, any sad situation, any fight. yeah, there were times when i used to cry to sleep, hallucinate, shower multiple times to wash off the history, but all, i realised was because i wanted a fresh start a cleaner one. 

okay, there was some sort of mental health disturbances for sure, which i believe is something i can never give space for, in my life or functioning. apart from that, i guess we shared a pretty good bond, in the weirdest sense, we’d smoke up, sleep in, eat, listen to music, and talk good stuff on phone. 

well, that did get screwed up with a lot of sex in the middle, when all we did was just fuck, and we lost the essence, which was exactly when we started to fall apart. what i felt like could work, just backfired and i myself was in it just for sex, and later on, forgot to give it all a thought, and fell into the spiral of ‘us’ without identifying what we are. rest is history, for another time.

so, talking to my friend, i kept specifying how she might still want to hold on to things they ‘both’ specifically shared, and she tells me, shes got just some mushy conversations about him over ig, and promises of marriage and some stupid plans, which she herself no longer cares about. 

i mean, that was not inducted, she said it. so im shamelessly quoting her.

so, now, the question is, why in the world would she want to be with her so called boyfriend? im so pissed. ill explain in detail. ‘

okay, so this isnt any normal everyday blonde im talking about, shes a pretty rational person who claims to have figured out love as a philosophy student. she is committed to this guy, for what you may ask, she dosnt know. im sorry, but i havent been as disturbed and as disappointed in my friends for so long, i can feel my insides move.

back to the question,  why in the world would she want to be with her so called boyfriend? which beings me to, ‘why do people want to call partners like that as a boyfriend/girlfriends’ when they dont mean it, or have intentions of sticking to the role? 

dont even get me started on the vocabulary these cliches share, i just cannot begin to describe my disdain towards this behaviour, which i cannot pinpoint one specific reason to. i mean, this milllenial lingo itself fucks me up, but this specifically fucks me in the a hole.

so, why do these people not want to go to sleep without hearing a meaningless ‘i love you’? i believe, giving attention is part and parcel of a relationship., and this fucks me up again. why would you crave for fake attention? approval for the sake of approval is not approval enough. fuckers. 

and whats with the fun and fancy of being in a relationship to show the world, what a great couple you are? click pictures and fucking post them to get more approval, and do what? climb up  a social ladder!

i cannot begin my rant about girls wanting to date, because they want a man in their lives. whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? fuck off people. get something serious to concentrate on, in life. read i dont know, existentialism!

okay, we’ll move to me now. 

i can say im a sucker, for back talking about my own friend, i honestly dont have many friends who are dating rn, because i am fucking not interested in their fucking private lives. i filtered out gossip-less friends, and who give me brain food to be in my contacts. fucking douches can stay out. but again, i have no problem if you can put your problems in your pockets, dont cry over the advices i give which could have worked, but you chose not to take. and, im not man-hating or love-hating person. trust me, i love the concepts of both. i just never met a man or fall in love. i respect and idealise both so much, that i hate when people disrespect and misuse things for the fukssake.

okay, the reason im ultra pissed is, because what i held with HIM was so fucking precious for me, and if at all i had a chace id want to do it all again, or even start anew with HIM. but people are getting second chances for mundane relationships, and here i lay in my quarantined life, all alone, looking forward for my token number to a neverland. 

again, im not hating anything or anyone. because people are complicated, and relationships are another level. you need to find the spark, and work if you feel like its worth it. and i agree, you dont know where youre going until you reach., but there needs to be a spark which you realise once in a while which makese you want to live and share your time with the [person. idk, what or where this is going, but i just want people to find that spark, that person who makes you feel like the mundane everyday things and everyday relationships with people are just bullshit, and gives you an entire new narrative of life, and makes you live and aspire a better life, together. 

fuckers, dont commit until then!

peace out!

[thatgirlwhoworksforwhatshew-blog]

apparently the ‘world’s famous lover’

okay, so more tea. 

i watched this particular movie, which i was thinking id completely avoid, because of the title, “world famous lover”. yeah, yeah, guilty of judging the book by its name, but i gave it a shot last night when i couldnt sleep.

to my surprise, i liked the movie very much, and as i approached the climax part of it, i realised where its going. and liked it even more. to my dismay, it dint quite end in a seperation of the couple, but the female lead chooses to wait for two years, as the male lead is serving his sentence in the prison. now, this should not be seen as waiting because she loved him. hell no..

the movie begins showing the monotonous life of the leads, where the female lead is clearly hating it, and dosnt put in any kind of emotions and feelings into it, except frustration and sadness which all she diverts into her shower time crying period. she dosnt enjoy sex, eating as they no longer hold any conversation, until one day when she breaks it to him, that shes fed up with his behaviour, and calls for a break up. //YOU GO GIRL!!!//

but guess what? the male lead, who aspires to become a writer, finally begins to open possible universes where he could be the ‘world famous lover’ with the ideals he was mocked he dint have.

“sacrifice” “compromise” “divinity” 

which he reflects in the stories he writes, one of a union leader in a coal mine, who is forced into an arranged marriage, to an apparently illiterate girl, and they have a child and hence he is obliged to stay with them, even when he finds his new manager, a much modern city girl, who clearly he prefers over his wife. here, the wife, chooses to finish her diploma, which he has no freaking idea about, and in the end begs him to not leave her, as she will be anything he wants her to be- ’modern, educated, stylish, or even naked’ just so that he gets to stay with her. he gets convinced, and as the narration goes by, he calls this a ‘’sacrifice’’ of his love. FACEPALM. 

//I mean, this wife character, is the topper in the university in the entire state, and she is the one compromising for her husband, when she could have done wonders. what ever he is thinking is love with that manager of his, is just a fantasy/crush. i mean, im no one who is asking him to stop dreaming, but just saying that he was legit cheating, and he thinks he is sacrificing//

then comes another parellel possible story line, where if he went abroad, and met a foreign woman, a much more forward mindset, adventurous, independent pilot, only to be crushed in his ego over her not being ready to have sex before marriage. 

//i dont know., they first exchange their ‘i love yous’ right before they begin the steamy make out, and i cannot convince myself this being written for that perfect timing, except because he wants to get into her pants. //

anyway, they go on a bike race, and due to some accident, he breaks his hand and she looses her eye sight. well, he donates his eyes later on. theres this, not so emotional scene where he tells that “the last memory of his, was the most beautiful one” and i went ‘awww, next?’ because by this time, i was already fed up by where the movie, and the definition of love are going. in this story, again the features of compromise and sacrifice are highlighted, again from the male-perspective. i can give him this one. but again, it was his mistake, so i dont know if i should be feeling this bad about it. 

between these stories, we get a glimpse of how the leads actually fell ‘in love’, i swear to god i havent seen a stupider love story, my bad, it shouldnt be called a ‘love’ story. i barely see it here. 

so, they meet for the first time when she is trying to find an adress, and he helps her out, and attends her event because she invites him, childish flirting i say. plus, because he likes the sound of ‘him being her boyfriend’ //typical trophy attitude// but yeah, they meet in their college, where on the first day, all male students are basically putting bets on who is going to talk to that girl, and whom is she going to date. our hero steps in, and since he knew her from before, when he asks her to hug and kiss him, which i dont know, why on the planet she chooses to do. he later explains to her, that its because he wanted to WIN. 

//I MEAN, WHOTTTTT?// 

but later they date, he writes a book, shes impressed, she convinces him to get a job so that their future is secure, they go to her father who dosnt approve their relationship, so they decide to move in together, and bammm, cut to 1.5 years, we know hes being a douche and isnt reciprocating the same kind of love to her anymore. which is where the story begins. currently, she is getting married to someone her father set her up with, on the day of which he crashes there to tell her he is ready to do anything for her. but she says “i cant do this anymore” //me, a proud mama/, woohooooo// he in this fury, bashes some guy who picks up a fight with him, and ends up in jail.

cut to 2 years later, when his book gets published and gets great reception,plus isnt completed yet., so public is waiting for the conclusion, where he admits his mistakes, and wishes for her “to be happy where ever she is now”

AWWW, I KNOW RIGHT? i fucking thought the movie ends here, but turns out...

she waited for him for two years, until he gets out of the jail, and does cute gestures of showing love, like lying down on his lap, like why? anyway, they walk back home together, end of story.

id be very happy with the movie, if the final three minutes were cut. because i feel like a vijay-deverakomda-climax-bench-scenes are put in, only because of public demand, and they dont go along with the story logically.

like, honestly speaking a part of me connected with the girl, and was so proud when she walked out of the relationship, but facepalmed in a level where the rash is not treatable anymore. im ashamed of the character for having turning back there irrespective of the hell shes been through. 

again, is love supposed to give you a power of blind eye, and be subjected to harrasment and effects on mental health, and be fine with it?

with my own experiences in the past months, i realised becoming a woman involves prioritizing ourselves, and the wellbeing and reason over everything. i know break ups could be hard af, but again, if that is to bring out the best in the both of you, that is the right thing to. you should do it. i know changing our minds is also a thing, and at times we get the urge to just call them up or text, but all i can say for now is, let time tell you.

but dont ever compromise your own well being goddamnit!