the-anonymous-poet - Tumblr blog

[the-anonymous-poet]

LGBTQ+ History Month

It’s been a rough year for so many reasons

At this point in my life I’m struggling with my sexuality more than ever. Stuck at home, I feel so disconnected from people like me. 

Every question and doubt I’ve had about my sexuality is back full force and it can be so hard to accept myself.

Tonight’s been hard.

I went to my first Pride last year. I remember being stuck near a lone protestor. He had a megaphone and I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, no matter how hard I tried. I was scared to walk away, I didn’t want to give him any power over me. But, I’m a very timid person and my anxiety can’t stand conflict. I have my own doubts about my sexuality and hearing someone say them for at least an hour was getting to me. I remember being sucked into it. I couldn’t hear the parade or the marchers. I remember the starts of a panic attack creeping on. 

That’s where my brain was stuck tonight. Feeling alone. Feeling the hate from strangers. A lone megaphone echoing.

But then I remembered getting out of that panic. A woman marched right up to me and planted a heart sticker with the pride flag on it right on my chest. And she said “Don’t worry about it.” and gave me a smile. It wasn’t much. But it meant so much. She noticed me spiraling and brought me back to the parade, and back to my people. I felt so much better afterwards. I grabbed my friends and we went to a place without protestors. The lingering anxiety stuck with me, but I didn’t feel so scared anymore. And, most importantly, that random woman made me feel secure. My parents and older siblings accept me fully, but I’ve never had someone who was proud of me. And that’s the feeling she gave me.

And now, when I’m stuck in a place full of conservative people who aren’t the most accepting, and the community feels so out of reach, I’m glad I have that memory to cling on to. And I’m just excited to be reunited. I’m excited to be proud of who I am again, and be surrounded by people who are proud of who they are. 

More than ever, remember that this community is not new. That we have been built by generations before us who fought to bring us the rights we have today. They know how you felt and worked to make things easier for our generation. And now, we can all be here and find each other without fear. And I’m looking forward to the day where we can find each other again, because this community needs one another. That mutual support is what got us to where we are.

Forever grateful to you,

Cass

[the-anonymous-poet]

Do you ever just have a day where you can’t muster up the energy to do anything?

Then that day turns into two days or three?

Until eventually you can’t even be bothered to count the days anymore and you have a pile of work that seems unending?

Me too.

But, it’s okay.

Don’t panic.

You didn’t ruin your life because you lost control for a few days or even a week.

Figure out what needs to be done, start easy, and begin working your way through it.

It might take a long time and be stressful, but your brain will be calmer the more on track you get.

Take that time you need to lose yourself, and remember to ease yourself back in.

Deep breaths.

We’ll get through this.

[the-anonymous-poet]

My dreams have been so dark lately

Full of pain and blood

I wake up as normal

The memories fading within minutes

But the feelings linger

They seep into my core, taunting my amnesia

Images will flash through my head

Not enough to remember, but enough to keep them on my mind

And I wonder where they come from

Or if they’ll stop

And I lay in my bed 

Trying to predict if they’ll come back

And whether or not I’ll remember if they do

And, just for a moment, I will ache at the thought of sleeping

Will put it off as long as I can

But, eventually, when my body gives in

The thoughts of nightmares flee

And I dream of your smile

[the-anonymous-poet]

I can reconcile my love with my body

I can learn to appreciate my bumps and blemishes

Similarly, I can learn to admire my personality

I can look at my past and be proud of where I ended up

I can acknowledge my mental quirks and learn to treasure them for simply being me

There are so many things I’ve had to stop hating about myself

So many things I had to learn to accept

And I think I’ve always been a bit blind

Because I consider this progress

I considered this the final goal

And even with so many things left that I can’t begin to accept,

There’s a deeper issue at hand

I can learn to love myself

Love my body and my character

But I can’t learn to love my existence

I can accept that I am here and here I will stay

But I can’t forgive myself for arriving in the first place

And maybe it’s simply because I didn’t realize it was something I had to accept

When I was younger I dreamed of a day where I didn’t wish for an ending

But now I have to dream of days where I don’t hate my beginning

It’s frustrating that I’ve made so much progress, but none of it has been for this goal

But maybe I can give myself credit for acknowledging the issue in the first place

So I can give myself a little pain

A little frustration

That we’re starting all over again

But I can also take a breath

Relax my emotions

And get back to work

[the-anonymous-poet]

A letter to my dog who passed

Hi, buddy.

I want you to know I still miss you.

I want you to know I still love you every day.

I want you to know you are still one of the few reasons I get to live on.

I want you to know that I still have breakdowns.

I want you to know that I still get tired.

I want you to know that I think of you each time.

I think of how awful it is that I don’t get to see you anymore.

But I think of how thankful I am that you stayed so long.

I think of the days when you would crush me on my small twin bed to be close.

I think of the days when I was finally bigger than you and how excited I was.

I think of how I always forgot how much you loved the snow until winter came back around.

I think of how you used to play with cat toys no matter how many dog toys we bought.

I think of crying in my band director’s office when I found out you needed surgery.

I think of how much it broke my heart to leave you for college.

I think of how, without fail, you managed to push me over in excitement each time I came home - even though you barely managed stairs on a good day.

I remember crying when I came home to see you after learning about the appointment. You worried over me and tried to lick away my tears.

And I know you lived the best life we could have possibly given you.

One full of love and play and joy.

And I don’t regret a second of my time spent with you. I regret every second of my time spent away from you.

I know you were a dog.

But you were such an integral piece of me. Something I’ve always been able to count on. You filled my childhood with comfort and memories that will never be soured by arguments or family drama.

You know I’ve never believed in anything. You know from the way I used to ramble on to you about anything and everything while doing chores.

But, I now find myself hoping every day that there is something after death. 

And I hope that, somewhere out there, it’s snowing, and you’re happy.

Because if I can believe you’re happy, I can be happy too.

You did so good. You made us all so happy and kept us all safe for so long while we grew up. Rest up from all the work you did, you deserve it.

Love you forever, buddy, and miss you longer.

-Cass.

P.S. Our other dog misses you too, but he’s always been a champ. He’s doing just fine.

[the-anonymous-poet]

What is right in a world without borders?

Somewhere that’s full of voices

Voices that tell me it’s wrong

Voices that tell me it’s right

I’m lost in the sounds

Lost jumping between opinions

And next time I see another girl

I wonder if I can pass it off as friendship

Wonder if I’m trying to force myself to be something else

And I know that there is no firm decision

In minds that don’t even know themselves

But I can’t help but feel everything is in place

When her arm bumps against mine

When her head falls on my shoulder

When she takes my hand to run through the rain

Or when I see love echoing back at me in her eyes.

[the-anonymous-poet]

Tips for really bad self-care

Hello again, it’s me - that person who rarely posts.

With everything going on I know a lot of people are having a lot of trouble - me included. I see all the self-care suggestions, but I honestly can’t bring myself to follow them, they can feel like such intimidating tasks.

In an attempt to keep myself a little bit there, I’ve had to stop focusing on goals like that and make them smaller. I figured I’d share here in case anyone needed to hear it.

Keep in mind I am by no means qualified in teaching good mental health or coping techniques. I have untreated mental issues and do not have the ability to talk with a counselor - these are simply things that I am capable of doing.

The key for me is SMALL GOALS

Self-care that I can’t normally get myself to do:

Keep up with hygiene

Charge my phone

Check into my zoom lectures

Eat consistently

Sleep consistently

Drink water

Go outside

Get exercise

Daily journals

Self-care that I can do:

Run in place every once in a while

Keep up my snapchat streaks

Lift my dog up to the bed when he needs it / Play with him when he needs it

Do things I enjoy when I start feeling bad

Look out the window

Change my clothes

Put away screens for a few minutes to give my eyes a rest

Occasional journals that aren’t a daily commitment

Look for new recipes to try - even if I don’t make the effort to make them

Take my medicine when I remember it

Trying to get myself to take perfect care of everything isn’t possible for me right now. I found that I have to make my goals very small sometimes to cope. It’s important to remember that you aren’t perfect and not all of the general self-care tips are possible on bad days - so even if it’s as small as turning over in bed, that’s still something you accomplished. 

I won’t pretend that I’m stable or perfect or normal right now, but I’m a whole lot better when it feels like I did something useful - even if it’s small.

Stay safe, stay distant, stay at home.

We’re all rooting for you.

⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

Fly

You can find me in the sky

Watching the world go by

I lift myself higher with the breeze

And finally live a life of ease

I know I will come awake on earth

And lose my sense of wondrous mirth

But make sure you are ready to fly

Because we’ll only survive reality if we try

⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

Changing

The earth is singing the song of change

I can feel as my body is pulled into the music

It sways with the rhythm even as the song raises in volume

The tempo is too fast for me to follow and speeding up every moment

I fall endlessly behind but never seem to stop the sway of my hips ⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

An Honest Hello ~ Feel free to ignore if you like the mystery.

I’d like to be honest and personal - two things I wasn’t keen to do on this blog to keep up the mystery. But on the off chance anyone needs it, I decided to share.

 I posted three things on this blog tonight after I had abandoned it for months. When I first began this blog it was so I could leave short poems in people’s asks -something I would like to do again, if anyone ever wants a poem or some writing for themselves or a friend, feel free to ask- without being attached at all to my main blog. I began posting poems for everyone too and at first it was lovely. I was happy writing positive messages and encouragement because I was finally able to after “recovering” from my depression and suicidal tendencies. Then I started to feel worse and worse and it began to show on this blog, so I stopped posting to save it from more negativity. I just couldn’t bring myself to encourage people when I didn’t believe it anymore. 

Now, recently, my life got a lot worse than it’s ever been. I’ve been having trouble keeping myself together. Tonight began very badly for me. And then I remembered this blog and read through it. And in some weird, vaguely narcissistic twist of fate, I ended up inspiring myself.

Now, I believe I began this blog when I was 16. I’m 18 now and still really young and figuring things out, but I understand things a little better than before. Going forward, I plan to continue posting every once in a while on this blog. I will add some of my melancholic type writing, but I don’t plan to interject anymore outright negativity into it, simply because I want this to be a positive space for anyone who is looking for one. 

As for me, I acknowledge that I’ll have more bad days and situations, but each day makes me more prepared to deal with them. I will bounce back to bad places, but I’ll always return to add some positivity to a struggling world. So, in conclusion:

I am 18. I am going to college soon. I am going into healthcare. I am hopelessly fond of my dogs. And I am depressed.

 But, I won’t let it stop me.

Thank you for sticking around. You’re all doing great and I am proud of you.

⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

At the start, I couldn’t do it

Letting dark take over every bit

But, I could never abandon this

Especially if it offers even a little bliss

⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

A Little Piece

     You give a little piece of yourself to everyone you love. You know they will keep it safe and help it to grow. They love it back and influence it in so many ways, good and bad. I’ve spread bits of myself to so many people. I’ve watched some love them, some hate them, but, most importantly, I’ve watched some mutilate them. I’ve watched them cling hungrily to something I desperately want back. I’ve pretended not to notice how part of me has started to feel more and more unsettled as if someone shoved a piece in from a different puzzle. I can no longer take it back in fear of the sickly feeling it would give what's left of me. So, I decide to sever it. Ripping and tearing desperately to remove parts of myself. But no matter the amount of slicing and pulling, no matter the pain or screaming I do, the part remains. It is ugly and exposed, left for anyone to grab and twist to their own heart’s content. I’m left to stare at this tiny piece. So personal and precious, but I can no longer stand to look at it. I am ashamed to be attached to it and try my best to hide it. I force myself to pretend it’s fine let each person I trusted it to mutilate it more and more, until it spreads to the rest of my miserable existence. I can no longer find myself in the pieces. They are covered with the oil of everyone else's hands and marred by their own perceptions of me. I am left to wonder if any part of me was my decision or if it is all from one infected piece and one infected person. I try to keep the rest of me to myself in hopes any part of me still remains, but I know as soon as I am given the chance, I will force myself to love yet another person who wants me to be anything but myself.

⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

Your Answer

I was the one to burn the world

Who set fire to its inhabitants

And why should the pain hurt?

Pain is all I have known

A comfort found night after night that none could understand

So why should I try to explain

A relationship that was not meant to be understood

And why should I stay silent as you preach its lies

If all I can do is burn, why should I be the one to hold back

If I have but one defense, why should I spare my attacker

Must I always be the one to let it happen

Must I sacrifice my very being to fit into your mold

And must I sacrifice you too

You wondered what it would take to make me break

Are you satisfied with the answer?

⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

A While Longer

Years growing apart. That’s all our friendship was.

Each hour not together chipping slowly away at our fragile bond. 

I’ve saved it year after year. Desperately gluing the fallen pieces back together, pretending I didn’t notice the cracks.

It wasn’t that you weren’t good enough or that we just don’t fit. 

Talking to you made my heart soar and my soul sing with the pride of earning your attention. 

I fought daily to get the barest hint of a smile or even a simple look, each conversation becoming more and more difficult.

Another thing to ignore as I held each piece so carefully in place. 

But, I was weak.

I pulled my weary hands away and let them fall. We both looked away pretending not to see the inevitable destruction. 

Our interactions are polite smiles and plans that will never be carried out.

Our glances are nervous.

Our texts are for necessity.

 My phone misses the late night conversations, my house misses the ease with which you fit in, my dogs miss the endless attention you gave them, my heart misses the way you took care of it.

So, we remain. Ignoring the blood dripping from the shards of the past that dig deeper with every interaction we make. 

Every smile is so fulfilling that we ignore the accompanying pain. Trying to make a shadow of the past tangible. 

Each week we go without speaking I think it’s over. And yet, two minute greetings have me desperately clawing at your feet. Driving me right back to you so if nothing else, we can share the lasting regret of the distance. 

I crave the strength to make these shards whole again. No one would have to force it. We could replace this uncertain urge to see each other with one that was certain. Potential ends would be potential beginnings. An ideal solution to a gut wrenching problem.

But, for now, I only hope it lasts a little while longer.

⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

Take Back Your Life

Each year I lose more of me

Constantly confused on what I’m supposed to be

And things that once kept me sane

Now seem boring and plain

Rather than accepting this sorry state

I’ll stop my endless wait

Take back all the things you once enjoyed

And confront those feelings you always avoid

You can always put your life on track

By working hard to take it back

⭐️🌙⭐️ 

[the-anonymous-poet]

The Year We Choose

Every day feels worse than the last

And I find myself longing for the past

I get hurt more and more

And I don’t even know what for

I entered this year knowing my fate

But I was lucky to realize before it’s too late 

You decide whether you win or lose

And a little hard work will make this the year we choose

⭐️🌙⭐️

[the-anonymous-poet]

Years

I’ve watched seventeen years come and go Each one taking me high and low It’s frightening to think of going on So I will wait here until dawn I know there is trouble in the time ahead And times where I won’t be able to leave my bed But then I think of the other days The ones where happiness hits me like the sun’s rays So give me what you can, dear friends Because a smile gives me joy that never ends In return, I will do all in my power To give you joy if only for a minute or hour ⭐️🌙⭐️