the-con-of-all-cons

[the-con-of-all-cons]

Thats so real though they are the same flavor of ice cream at heart they just got different toppings and therefor say the other sucks

I personally get the feeling that Bernard and Dick would not get along very well. They're friendly, ofc, but they send eachother' little glaces out of the corner of their eyes they cannot be in the same room together, they are too much alike and that unsettles them.

Bern takes one look at him and thinks 'oh ur a happy guy? Comedic relief and a backbone to the family? Depression station over here, be so fucking for real rn.' Dick looks at Bernard and muses 'hes such a sweet and caring guy, ready to defend anyone at the drop of a hat....... i bet has some serious repressed anger issues I don't like him.'

Like them bitches know the game and thus they're projecting hard onto the other. But are they wrong? No, no they're not.

[the-con-of-all-cons]

My king the gob I worship, my muse. Dkkskdbfkdhfkdjfkeejke

lame civilian boyfriend that no one likes (he's my favourite)

[the-con-of-all-cons]

„For what is a werewolf if not a man transformed into a beast due to the fear of the one thing he couldn’t control, time.“-me while chopping up a mango at 7pm

[the-con-of-all-cons]

No comment needed.

"jason could beat all the bats in a fight" "no way tim would beat him" "no! dick could"

DUKE THOMAS COULD KICK ALL OF THEIR ASSES AND ITS FINAL

[the-con-of-all-cons]

Yknow what that’s fair

Tim and the Robins running into Shiva and Tim assuming he's her favorite Robin, only for her to walk past everyone and talk to Duke.

[the-con-of-all-cons]

As she should though, what are you gonna do? Stop her? Question her? Ofcourse not

Tim and the Robins running into Shiva and Tim assuming he's her favorite Robin, only for her to walk past everyone and talk to Duke.

[the-con-of-all-cons]

Oh my goodness I surround myself by the right people so often I forget people who are so WRONG exist, like imagine hating this silly looser who’s also so cool and has done so much, what a wrong opinion to have he’s just that cool and your jealous of his white boy swag

[the-con-of-all-cons]

THANK YOU!!! I do not see enough of them and I need it so bad, actively in creative writing club so ig I have to start a fanfic now

. . . More Timbern incorrect quotes because you don't get it they deserve the world!

Alsofuelingmybernarddowdisafreakhc's

—

Tim, getting ready for patrol: I'll be back later tonight, or... Err, more like six in the morning, but same difference.

Bernard: Or... You could stay home.

Tim, snorting: And do what?

Bernard: Oh, you won't do anything.

Tim: Then why would I stay home?

Bernard, eyebrow raise, smirking: So I can do you.

Tim:

Bernard:

Tim, sighing and picking up his comm: We have a hostage situation—

Bernard, laughing in the background:

—

Cass, staying at the house boat because she missed her little brother: Why was there a pair of handcuffs lying on your bed this morning?

Tim, going over a case, pausing: uhhhh...

Bernard, cooking breakfast: Tim moves to much in his sleep.

Cass, concerned now: So you handcuff him??

Bernard: Well the rope didn't work to well—

Tim: BERNARD!

—

Tim's phone, ringing:

Jason, looking over, brow furrowed: You have Bruce saved in your phone as Daddy?? What are you, twelve?

Tim, making direct eye contact as he answers, sleep deprived, hasn't had his monthly crash out yet: Hey, Bernard, what's up?

Jason, pulling out a glock:

—

*Tim and Bernard, on their way home from a date*

Tim, sitting in the passenger seat of his car with an ice pack on his elbow: Skateboarding is so much easier than ice skating.

Bernard, sitting in the driver seat: It was fun though!

Tim: You laughed at me when I fell! Utter betrayal, by my own boyfriend.

Bernard: I didn't laugh the second time you fell!

Tim: Yeah, because you thought I broke my arm.

Bernard, teasing: Aww, do I need to kiss it better?

Tim, leaning over: Yup.

Bernard, grinning and pulling him into his lap: Right here?

Tim, leaning closer: Yup.

Dick, knocking on the window in his BPD uniform: HI TIMMY! Hello, Bernard.

Jason, waving from the back of a cop car in his Red Hood gear, covered in either blood or red paint:

Tim, muttering under his breath: By the gods they found us...

Bernard, waving awkwardly:

—

Bruce: Thank you for patrolling with me tonight while Robin is away with Nightwing.

Tim: Fine with me, Ber just got his wisdom teeth removed so... I didn't have anything better to do.

Bernard, connected to the comms, on so much pain medication: I did.

Tim: Honey bear, please get out of comms and go back to sleep.

Bernard: I had someone to do.

Bruce, sighing heavily: The comms are to be used for emergencies and not for lewd conversations.

Tim, under his breath: Unless it's Catwoman.

Bernard: Sounds homophobic.

Bruce: I am not homophobic.

Tim: He's not homophobic, Honey bear.

Bernard: Tim.

Bruce: Please, stop.

Bernard: Tim.

Tim, sighing heavily, counting under his breath: Yes, love of my life?

Bernard: Can I get you pregnant?

Tim:

Bruce: Robin is now grounded.

Tim: No, B, please, he's high—

Bruce: Bat cave after patrol, straight to it, no exceptions.

Bernard, cackling:

Tim: You'll regret this later when you're off your pain meds, idiot!

—

*Damian, temporarily staying at Tim and Bernard's houseboat because nobody else could watch him.*

Damian: Why does Richard hate you?

Bernard, not looking up from his video game: Something something defiling his brother something something gonna arrest me and lock me in a cell so deep in the ground I'll feel the fires of hell if I something something hurt him. Want some French toast?

Damian:

Damian: You concern me, Dowd.

—

Tim, going through his binders: I like the clasps but they're so annoying to get off...

Bernard: The one with the zipper seems the best.

Tim: Yeah, I love it, but—

Tim, glaring: You just can't get the ones with clasps off me without my help!

Bernard: . . . I plead the fifth.

—

*At a family dinner*

Bruce, looking at Jason and Dick: I wouldn't mind grandchildren someday.

Dick, groaning: Bruuuuuce.

Jason: Over my dead again body.

Bernard, grinning: Consider it done.

Tim, kicking him under the table:

Bruce: There was a reason I didn't look at you two.

—

Tim, dropping down on the deck of the house boat:

Tim, stumbling in, clutching his stomach:

Tim: BEAR, I THINK I LOST ANOTHER SPLEEN!

Tim, dropping unconscious:

Bernard, confused screaming as he pulls out the med kit:

—

Jason:

Jason: Would I be invited to your wedding?

Tim: What wedding?

Jason: Your hypothetical one.

Tim: Hm...

Tim: Depends, are you gonna stop threatening to shoot my boyfriend?

Jason: Depends, are you gonna stop forgetting to turn off your comm after patrol?

Tim:

Jason: Exactly.

—

Kon: Why didn't you ever ask me out?

Tim: What?

Kon: I mean, I'm not into you anymore, obviously, ha, but, like, just curious?

Tim: Oh, you don't match my freak.

Kon:

Kon: EXCUSE ME!? We totally match freak!

Tim: Not like Bernard and I do or Steph and I.

Kon: You didn't wanna date me because we don't "MATCH FREAK"!?

Tim: Also I needed a barrier between being Robin and Tim Drake because I lost myself and didn't know who I was outside Robin before meeting Bernard and he helped me find out who I was. You were to much of a connection to Robin and didn't even meet or know me as Tim Drake like Bern did. I mean, look at Dick. His entire world revolves around heroes and his vigilante friends and he's only ever dated vigilantes and been friends with them and now he's sorta miserable and is a workaholic as both Dick Grayson and Nightwing because he doesn't know who either is and still revolves around Batman and Robin even a decade later because he always focused on separating Robin from Batman but never Dick Grayson from Robin or Nightwing.

Kon:

Tim:

Tim: Anyways I'm late for my date!

—

[the-con-of-all-cons]

My mind went “with the things you write about YOU match my freak at this point” but I think that’s the 20 hours of sleep answering for me

Anyways the way I need to start sending out my Bernard and Damian would get along propaganda

. . . More Timbern incorrect quotes because you don't get it they deserve the world!

Alsofuelingmybernarddowdisafreakhc's

—

Tim, getting ready for patrol: I'll be back later tonight, or... Err, more like six in the morning, but same difference.

Bernard: Or... You could stay home.

Tim, snorting: And do what?

Bernard: Oh, you won't do anything.

Tim: Then why would I stay home?

Bernard, eyebrow raise, smirking: So I can do you.

Tim:

Bernard:

Tim, sighing and picking up his comm: We have a hostage situation—

Bernard, laughing in the background:

—

Cass, staying at the house boat because she missed her little brother: Why was there a pair of handcuffs lying on your bed this morning?

Tim, going over a case, pausing: uhhhh...

Bernard, cooking breakfast: Tim moves to much in his sleep.

Cass, concerned now: So you handcuff him??

Bernard: Well the rope didn't work to well—

Tim: BERNARD!

—

Tim's phone, ringing:

Jason, looking over, brow furrowed: You have Bruce saved in your phone as Daddy?? What are you, twelve?

Tim, making direct eye contact as he answers, sleep deprived, hasn't had his monthly crash out yet: Hey, Bernard, what's up?

Jason, pulling out a glock:

—

*Tim and Bernard, on their way home from a date*

Tim, sitting in the passenger seat of his car with an ice pack on his elbow: Skateboarding is so much easier than ice skating.

Bernard, sitting in the driver seat: It was fun though!

Tim: You laughed at me when I fell! Utter betrayal, by my own boyfriend.

Bernard: I didn't laugh the second time you fell!

Tim: Yeah, because you thought I broke my arm.

Bernard, teasing: Aww, do I need to kiss it better?

Tim, leaning over: Yup.

Bernard, grinning and pulling him into his lap: Right here?

Tim, leaning closer: Yup.

Dick, knocking on the window in his BPD uniform: HI TIMMY! Hello, Bernard.

Jason, waving from the back of a cop car in his Red Hood gear, covered in either blood or red paint:

Tim, muttering under his breath: By the gods they found us...

Bernard, waving awkwardly:

—

Bruce: Thank you for patrolling with me tonight while Robin is away with Nightwing.

Tim: Fine with me, Ber just got his wisdom teeth removed so... I didn't have anything better to do.

Bernard, connected to the comms, on so much pain medication: I did.

Tim: Honey bear, please get out of comms and go back to sleep.

Bernard: I had someone to do.

Bruce, sighing heavily: The comms are to be used for emergencies and not for lewd conversations.

Tim, under his breath: Unless it's Catwoman.

Bernard: Sounds homophobic.

Bruce: I am not homophobic.

Tim: He's not homophobic, Honey bear.

Bernard: Tim.

Bruce: Please, stop.

Bernard: Tim.

Tim, sighing heavily, counting under his breath: Yes, love of my life?

Bernard: Can I get you pregnant?

Tim:

Bruce: Robin is now grounded.

Tim: No, B, please, he's high—

Bruce: Bat cave after patrol, straight to it, no exceptions.

Bernard, cackling:

Tim: You'll regret this later when you're off your pain meds, idiot!

—

*Damian, temporarily staying at Tim and Bernard's houseboat because nobody else could watch him.*

Damian: Why does Richard hate you?

Bernard, not looking up from his video game: Something something defiling his brother something something gonna arrest me and lock me in a cell so deep in the ground I'll feel the fires of hell if I something something hurt him. Want some French toast?

Damian:

Damian: You concern me, Dowd.

—

Tim, going through his binders: I like the clasps but they're so annoying to get off...

Bernard: The one with the zipper seems the best.

Tim: Yeah, I love it, but—

Tim, glaring: You just can't get the ones with clasps off me without my help!

Bernard: . . . I plead the fifth.

—

*At a family dinner*

Bruce, looking at Jason and Dick: I wouldn't mind grandchildren someday.

Dick, groaning: Bruuuuuce.

Jason: Over my dead again body.

Bernard, grinning: Consider it done.

Tim, kicking him under the table:

Bruce: There was a reason I didn't look at you two.

—

Tim, dropping down on the deck of the house boat:

Tim, stumbling in, clutching his stomach:

Tim: BEAR, I THINK I LOST ANOTHER SPLEEN!

Tim, dropping unconscious:

Bernard, confused screaming as he pulls out the med kit:

—

Jason:

Jason: Would I be invited to your wedding?

Tim: What wedding?

Jason: Your hypothetical one.

Tim: Hm...

Tim: Depends, are you gonna stop threatening to shoot my boyfriend?

Jason: Depends, are you gonna stop forgetting to turn off your comm after patrol?

Tim:

Jason: Exactly.

—

Kon: Why didn't you ever ask me out?

Tim: What?

Kon: I mean, I'm not into you anymore, obviously, ha, but, like, just curious?

Tim: Oh, you don't match my freak.

Kon:

Kon: EXCUSE ME!? We totally match freak!

Tim: Not like Bernard and I do or Steph and I.

Kon: You didn't wanna date me because we don't "MATCH FREAK"!?

Tim: Also I needed a barrier between being Robin and Tim Drake because I lost myself and didn't know who I was outside Robin before meeting Bernard and he helped me find out who I was. You were to much of a connection to Robin and didn't even meet or know me as Tim Drake like Bern did. I mean, look at Dick. His entire world revolves around heroes and his vigilante friends and he's only ever dated vigilantes and been friends with them and now he's sorta miserable and is a workaholic as both Dick Grayson and Nightwing because he doesn't know who either is and still revolves around Batman and Robin even a decade later because he always focused on separating Robin from Batman but never Dick Grayson from Robin or Nightwing.

Kon:

Tim:

Tim: Anyways I'm late for my date!

—

[the-con-of-all-cons]

I love this so much, what part? All the parts. One thing I’m firm on is they are two smart dumbasses in love who adore being chaotic in the wrong situations and domestic in chaotic situations

There’s literally fire and gun shots in the background building of where Tim and Bernard are having a picnic

Bernard: this is nice dont you think?

Tim smiling lovingly at him: mhm beautiful

Red hood: WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU

I REFUSE to call them normal. Also Alfred likes Bernard bc he cooks and can do medicine so they bond ITS REAL TO ME

Incorrect quotes TIMBERN again, because I said so:

—

Tim: Bern.

Bernard, half awake, it's two in the morning: Hm?

Tim: Will you love me forever?

Bernard: Odd question—

Tim: Usually people say they'll love someone till the day they die but, maybe I don't wanna stop being loved when I die. Maybe I wanna be loved for all eternity no matter what happens. Maybe I wanna be loved even when I die, even after.

Bernard: Mm, that's nice babe. Sure, I'll love you even when we're ghost, having... Freaky ghost sex.

Tim, kicks him under the blankets:

Bernard, snickering:

—

Random reporter at a gala: Mr. Drake-Wayne! Mr. Drake-Wayne! It seems you've brought a plus one tonight! Who is he?

Tim, committed to a bit here, looking over at Bernard: Huh? Oh... Oh. Oh, I have no idea.

Tim, without hesitation or pause, throws himself at Bernard and they begin making out:

Bernard, also committed to the bit, making it the sloppiest make out session possible right in front of the camera:

The camera zooms out to see Dick's horrified face and Bruce's tired expression:

(That's how Tim came out as bisexual to the public.)

—

Bernard, with Tim, walking at night: This is romantic— well, as romantic as Gotham can get.

Tim, holding his hand: It is, and Gotham is very romantic, for your information. I rather like the aesthetic.

Bernard: Well, I for one, like your aesthetic.

Tim: Oh? And what is it you like about it?

Bernard: The eye bags and pale skin, really, brings out the sickly Victorian attitude—

Dick, getting throw from the rooftops and crashing into a nearby wall:

Jason, running out from the same direction, shooting rapidly into the darkness: HI TIM!

Tim: I f#&-#%@ hate this family.

—

Bruce, formally meeting Bernard for the first time: And what exactly are your intentions with my son?

Tim: Bruce, really?

Dick: It's our responsibility, baby bird, only the best for you.

Jason, who was dragged here against his will, reading in the background: I don't care about any of this bulls-#t.

Bernard, making direct eye contact with Tim:

Tim, trying to telepathically tell him no in every language he knows:

Bernard: My intentions are simple sir, to love him, be with him forever, and show him the appreciation he deserves.

Tim, pinching the bridge of his nose:

Bernard: And also find a pair of handcuffs he can't get out of—

Tim: BERNARD!

Bernard: That's not what you called me last night—

Tim: ONE JOB! You had ONE JOB!

Bernard: I think I did that pretty well last night—

Dick:

Jason, slowly looking up from his book:

Bruce, feeling his last functional brain cell imploding:

—

Kon: So, what's Bernard like, is he a good guy?

Tim: Oh, yeah, he's great! We attempted to summon the Jersey Devil last night before making offerings to Dionysus and then sent videos of ourselves singing along to Chapel Roan to Ra's Al Ghul and I made sure it'd play on all his devices, he won't be able to turn them off anytime soon.

Kon:

Kon: Is... That's...

Tim: Romantic, right?

Kon: . . . Y'know what? Good for you, happy for you, buddy.

Tim: Thanks! We're gonna make calzones tonight and genetically modify garlic.

Kon:

—

Alfred: I hear you wish to be a chef some day.

Bernard: Oh, yeah! I love cooking, kinda always have, it's like a break from regular Gotham city chaos.

Alfred, just glad he finally has someone to pass down family recipes to: Yes, my boy, it is.

—

Tim, half asleep, stumbling out his bedroom at four in the afternoon on a weekend:

Bernard: Hey, sleepy head!

Tim, stumbling right up to Bernard, throwing his arms around him:

Bernard: ???

Tim: What if the churozzle is-tha mcgraffle?

Bernard: . . . What?

Tim, promptly falls asleep against Bernard:

—

Bernard, making a TikTok: I was nice to the exchange student ONE TIME in high school.

*The camera zooms over to Tim, dressed in Grinch footie pajamas, there's a smudge of SOMETHING on his cheek, his eyes are glazed over, the television is playing some old Care Bear rerun, he's hunched over, hair in the messiest bun known to man, and he's eating cereal that's so soggy that the fruit loops have become one with the milk, creating an odd, pastel rainbow liquid slop.*

—

The paparazzi waiting for the Wayne's to show up to a very, very important, high class social event and charity gala in Gotham that the Wayne's have been attending for generations, not even Bruce has ever appeared as anything less than well behaved:

*The Wayne's limo arrives, Alfred calmly walks around, opening the door*

Damian, falling out as soon as the door opens, scrambling back: DOWD YOU DEFILER! DISHONOR TO YOU! DISHONOR TO YOUR WHOLE FAMILY!

Cass, dragging Jason out who's waving a gun around, yelling for the first time anyone's ever heard in public: YOU CANNOT SHOOT HIM! TIM IS RIGHT THERE! BERNARD, GET OFF HIM!

Stephanie, cackling like a mad man with her mouth full of popcorn, this is pretty much the only reason she came:

Dick: STOP MAKING OUT OH MY GOD WE DIDN'T EVEN LET YOU TWO DRINK THAT MUCH BEFORE COMING HERE OH MY GOD! TIM DON'T PUT YOUR HAND THERE!!! MY BABY!!!

Duke, getting out to stand to the side: Can we just f#&#@# leave them?? They ain't stoppin' anytime soon and I really don't wanna be around when this progresses.

Bruce, casually getting out the limo, giving Alfred a tight smile as he passes him, going to meet with Barbara and Jim:

Jim, absolutely horrified: By God, Bruce, what happened?

Bruce: Tim turned 21 today, so Alfred sat him and his boyfriend down before we came here for a few rounds of drinks. Unfortunately, we miscalculated how much of a lightweight they both are... And how they might act while drunk.

*The paparazzi cameras zoom to Bernard and Tim passionately making out in the back of the limo...*

Kon, who is here with a less than impressed Lex Luthor: GET IT, TIM!!!

—

[the-con-of-all-cons]

I like to think duke is smarter than them all (he was raised during the riddler arc) but only uses it for board games or while he’s out during the day bc they’re not there so it’s fine, specially to throw ppl off

A game of clue with the batfam isn’t a game. It’s life or death, and the Kent’s were none the wiser.

BRUCE: Clark, I want to tell you if we lose this game of clue I’m done with you.

CLARK: huh? I’m sorry Bruce what?

BRUCE: I’m not shitting around big boy. This is life or death and I’m not losing to my children AGAIN.

*a heated game of clue begins, each in a group of two

CASS AND STEPH

BABS AND KARA

JASON AND DICK

TIM AND KON

DAMIAN AND JON

DUKE AND ALFRED

——

JASON: I’m going to beat all your asses, and this time it’s going to be two family’s? This is gonna be good.

STEPH: you know for someone who died TWICE wouldn’t you be more weary? Cuz you’re going down Todd.

TIM: NO SHOT! Me and B are the only decent detectives and if we lose somone must’ve been cheating.

The Kent’s collectively swallow in fear, they’re going to die here.

The game thickens as each place is uncovered, at one point Damian resorted to dangling kon over the cealing with kryptonite in hand,

DAMIAN:DRAKE SHOW ME YOUR CARD I WONT HESITATE.

TIM: FUCK YOU.

And as the game wraps up, we realize that nothing has come from Alfred or duke the whole game. When I rounds back to their turn duke speaks,

DUKE: I’d like to make a Geuss.

The entire family turns, slowly.

Mind you, this is dukes first experience with Wayne clue. He is just as scared as the Kent’s. If not more.

DUKE: Mrs.Scarlet, in the lounge, with the candlebar.

Duke opens the Manila envelope, if he’s right-well he’s dead. If he wrong, he’s going to be dogged on for all eternity.

There it is. Mrs.scarlet, in the lounge, with the handlebar. Duke was right! He cheers and hugs Alfred thankful he won’t be dogged on

Realization hits him.

ALFRED:master Duke. You should run.

That day Duke was almost sent to the hospital, Clark was subsequently almost broken up with in a late night scolding by Bruce, kon WAS dumped for a week and Jon lost a friend

Moral is; DONT PLAY WAYNE FAMILY CLUE.

[the-con-of-all-cons]

Hehehehehehe Talia and duke is not something I knew I needed but this is great, especially since it’s so silly and adorable (duke could be planning ahead tho and do this on purpose to get on her good side knowing him tho)

Duke meeting Talia for the first time

Duke (in his Signal suit): Whoa! You're Talia?!

Talia (stepping out of the shadows, her jade eyes striking in the dim light): You know my name? That’s good.

Duke: Daaaaamn! You are hot!

Bruce burst into laughter, catching everyone off guard. Talia’s eyes widened as her usual frigid demeanor shifted to one of surprise.

Talia: What?

Duke: I’m sorry, it’s just—respectfully—you’re stunning! You were with Bruce? No way! Where’s your mother? There’s no way someone as gorgeous and young as you could be with him. Your mom must’ve done the dirty tango with that guy!

Ra's (raising an eyebrow, clenched jaw): The dirty tango?

Talia (placing a hand on her flawless cheek): I… um, I’m Damian’s mother, and yes, I was with Bruce. I haven’t been complimented like that since him.

Bruce laughed even harder, much to Ra's annoyance and Talia's irritation.

Damian walked over to Duke, glaring at his brother and teammate. His brows were furrowed as he tapped his foot angrily.

Duke: Ignore him. You could be a model or actress; you’ve got that commanding aura that could shoot a diplomat down.

Talia (flattered and grinning): I have shot down a diplomat. Thank you! Damian, your brother-friend is so sweet.

Duke: What? I’ve never seen her up close before! The way you all described her, I thought she’d be an old crone or something like her father.

Ra's (enraged): I’m not a real demon! Just get out and don’t spray me with that water bottle!

Duke (walking away, shaking his head): I can't with this man.

Damian grumbled, crossing his arms as his mother hugged him.

Talia: Calm down, tifl.

[the-con-of-all-cons]

Oh duke the creature you are<3

Duke and Jason Being Hood Kids - Part 11

“That’s why you glow in the dark,” Jason says around a mouthful of green beans.

“That why your stupid ass was dead.”

Dinner comes to a screeching halt. Or, rather, a painfully silent halt, because the dining room is quiet and it feels like all the air got sucked out of the room. Bruce is horrified. Dick looks close to tears. Tim and Damian look equal parts nervous and prepared to jump in.

Meanwhile, Jason is wide-eyed and slack jawed as Duke continues eating like he didn’t just drop a nuke on their argument and put the entire family on edge.

“Dead as hell,” Duke continues as he cuts into his steak. “What kind of shoes you had on in your casket?”

Dick just about swallows his tongue. Bruce is, possibly for the first time since watching his parents die, shocked beyond words. Tim is shoving a napkin into his mouth the muffle nervous laughter. Damian looks downright scared.

Jason’s eyebrows are raised so high that they just about fuse with his hairline. “I don’t…Bruce, what kind of shoes did I have on in my casket?”

The older man opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. How the fuck is he supposed to answer that?

“Probably hard-bottoms,” Duke says, nonchalant as ever while he tries his mashed potatoes. “The Recently Deceased 1’s. Limited Ethiopia edition.”

“Sweet baby Jesus and the grown one too,” Dick croaks. “What the fuck, Duke?”

Bruce doesn’t immediately reprimand Dick for his language, which is how Damian knows this situation is too far gone. He begins muttering prayers for every religion Mother taught him about, since it’s clear they’re all about to meet their respective makers.

Jason’s face goes blank as he lays his fork down. Tim tenses, thinking the Red Hood’s about to make Sunday dinner a crime scene.

“That,” Jason says, face breaking into a grin, “is hilarious.” He slaps Duke’s arm playfully and the two break into breathless giggles. “Recently Deceased 1’s? Diabolical.”

“There’s something deeply wrong with you two,” Dick whispers.

“Hush up, circus boy,” Duke laughs.

“Exactly,” Jason cackles. “You weren’t even at my funeral. You don’t get to talk!”

Tim snorts, then goes still when the giggling duo turn their eyes on him. The three stare at each other for a moment before bursting into raucous laughter.

“Not circus boy,” Tim chuckles. He’s halfway out of his seat and leaning on Damian. “He really tried to check you!”

“But wasn’t there to check the funeral fit!” Duke pitches himself off his seat and right onto the floor. Jason’s red in the face from laughing so hard.

Damian coughs into his hand to hide his own giggles. Dick gives the boy a disapproving look, but that only makes the youngest Bat laugh louder. Instead of arguing, Dick settles on grinning down at his plate.

Bruce watches them all and wonders how soon he can book a family therapy session because, again, what the fuck?

[the-con-of-all-cons]

I love this concept so much, the idea that he has two dads and chooses to call them both mom is great and I love it

Kon somehow manages to convince Clark and Lex to co-parent. Officially, Lex Luthor and Superman have a custody agreement that grants them each equal legal custody of Superboy, with primary physical custody awarded to Superman and Lex given visitation every other weekend, four holidays of his choosing, and every other birthday unless all parties agree to celebrate together. The papers are drawn up by the best lawyers money can buy (on both their parts, since Bruce Wayne bank rolls the Justice League and keeps top law firms on retainer) after weeks of grueling negotiations.

Unofficially, Clark can be a petty bitch, Lex can be a complete asshole, and Kon gets tired of constantly being in the middle. To keep the peace, he establishes 3 simple rules. First, no disparaging the other parent in Kon’s presence. Second, Kon’s best interest always comes first. Third, violation of rules 1 or 2 means Kon calls you Mom in public until the other parent fucks up.

Lex learns very quickly that Kon isn’t joking. He calls Superman a waste of power while watching news reports on the Justice League cleaning up Metropolis after an alien invasion. Kon doesn’t say anything until Lex is on a videoconference with investors.

“Taking off, Mom,” he announces as he hugs Lex from behind. He takes advantage of the shocked silence to kiss Lex’s temple in view of the camera. “Gonna go help Dad with cleanup. Later!”

Kon doesn’t go anywhere. He sits his ass on the couch across the room, grinning smugly as Lex glares at him over his laptop for over an hour.

Luckily for Lex, Clark screws up that very night. Kon got to sit in on the League’s post-invasion debrief and sticks around for dinner after. He mentions his afternoon with Lex and catches Clark rolling his eyes. He could let it go, but enforcing the rule is important.

He waits until Flash, Batman, and Wonder Woman come looking for food to say something. “Mama, didn’t you and Dad promise to get me a new laptop?”

They did not. Clark blushes as red as his cape as Wonder Woman asks Kon what it’s like having a superhero for a mother.

It goes back and forth, and it keeps working. Lex makes an anti-Superman statement that gets quoted in the Daily Planet, so Kon Tweets about how smart his Mom is. Lex retracts his statement the next day. Clark sarcastically comments on the nature of seemingly benign LexCorp acquisitions during a League meeting, so Kon loudly declares that his Mama needs to lead special training sessions for young heroes with super strength. Clark looks into the acquisitions and announces at the next meeting that—surprise!—they’re actually completely legit.

The problem starts when the two men seem to get accustomed to Kon’s nonsense and stop wussing out at the thought of their masculinity or reputations being threatened by a title. Instead, they start competing. It’s a shitshow.

Kon is injured on a mission and calls for his Mama? Lex tries to gain access to the JL med bay, but a smug Superman beats him to it.

“He asked for his Mama,” Clark says as he adjusts sun lamps around Kon’s bed. “Pretty sure that’s me.”

Kon gets exposed to kryptonite and feels too sick to fly? He asks Batman to call his Mom.

“He asked for Mom,” Lex says to a pissed off Superman after Kon’s safely tucked into bed. “That’s me.”

Got the brakes beat off him by somebody strong enough to fuck with (mostly) Kryptonians? Call for Mama, paging Dr. Mama. Lex finds out and is salty Superman was there to proverbially kiss Kon’s boo-boos.

Unsure about his future and nervous about his ability to live a civilian life? Mom, help. Clark hears Lex talking Kon through college options and careers from across town, and he’s so hurt that Kon didn’t come to him first.

Shit. This may have backfired.

[the-con-of-all-cons]

We are so back WE ARE SO BACK!!!!! I love when he’s a hater for no reason<33

Duke insulting Jason Todd for no reason oh Duke nation we are so back

[the-con-of-all-cons]

In my heart he hates him so much it boils in his blood whenever he sees him on tv, and I feel like joker doesn’t show up in the morning shifts when dukes out but if he ever did duke would immediately try to beat the shit out of him with no warning, he’s riddler smart he could do it

Duke should have more issues with the Joker like Jason or Barbara considering what happened to his parents

[the-con-of-all-cons]

Your honor I love this. Your honor it’s engraved into my soul and I’m happy about it.

Dick: *walking into Tim's bedroom* Hey Tim!

Tim: *flustered and disheveled* Hey Dick. What-uh-what are you doing here?

Dick: I just came to see if you wanted to hang out. Did I interrupt something?

Tim: uh nope! Nope not at all. Was just chilling. Totally cool. Yeah I would love to, I'll see you soon.

Dick: Great!

Tim: *waiting for Dick to leave*

Dick: *waiting for Tim to come*

Tim: ...you can go now.

Dick: Don't you need to grab your SKB?

Tim: SKB?

Dick: Skater Boi Beanie

Tim: *blushing* Omg Dick! Stop calling it that!!

Dick: *laughing* C'mon, Tim, let's go.

Tim: I will. After you leave.

Dick: Hmm...

Dick: *smirking* Why don't I find it for you.

Tim: No!

Dick: *throwing open Tim's closet doors* Hi Bernard! I haven't seen you in forever!!

Bernard: Hey Dick! Same dude, I missed ya!

Dick: *glancing at Tim* Say Bernard...what's your opinion on the court of owls? Do you think they exist?

Tim: DICK!!!

Bernard: *looking up at him with shining eyes* Dick, my wonderful co-conspirator, we have so much to catch up on.

Dick: *slinging an arm around his shoulders, eyes sparkling* Yes, we do.