the-raw-writer

[the-raw-writer]

Watching everyone I ever loved leave

After a loved one passes away you feel like, ‘wow! Is there something more painful than this?’ You think that you have suffered the greatest pains on earth. You feel lucky somehow that this is it. Life will go in pain but nothing will happen that hasn’t already happened. And then god shows you a mirror.

Losing people to god and losing people to this world is different. I watched about half of my family walk through a door knowing that they will never come back. The screams of them arguing with each other still haunts me in my dreams. The loss of the touch of my brothers and sisters holding me while I cry my heart out still wakes me up in the middle of the night. The loss of control over the fact that I may never talk to them again eats me inside.

I hate them. I hate them for leaving. I hate them for imprinting their shouting voices in my ears. But I love them...just because I love them. I want them back because I love them. I’m ready to forgive them but I’ll never forget the amount of sleepless nights and nightmares and breakdowns in a dark, empty room they gave me.

I silently scream while tears rolling down my eyes because I’m not even allowed to miss them. The last time I heard their voice was when they wished me on my birthday...I was happy but it felt like I wanted to stab myself. Because this time they didn’t joke about how close I am to getting married or getting old. This time they didn’t send out a cake or they didn’t come here themselves. This time they didn’t bless me for a long life. They wished me, I said thank you, they make up an excuse and hang up. This time they gifted me the realisation that everything has changed. This time they gave me tears on my birthday. They gave me pessimism on my birthday.

They made me heartless. I see the person I’ve loved my whole life slowly cut me off and not one tear rolls down these cheeks. Cause the tears have dried out and the cheeks deny everything now. The voice has been silenced because it learned to scream without letting anyone hear. The lips forgot how to smile so I taught them how to act like and now that’s all they do. Act. The only thing that didn’t stop were these thoughts because this mind never listened to the heart anyway. And the heart? Oh, that magnificent red beauty turned into a grey stone with small cracks here and there. The heart...forgot how to love, forgot how to trust, forgot how to see. Now all that work is done by the mind. And everyone knows that the mind should never interfere in the matters of love. But what about when the heart can’t even love anymore?

They all loved me...and I loved them. But the more tightly you hold the bird...the more it wants to leave. So they left. But what about me? When all’s been said and done. It feels like nothing is left. But there is still so much I want to do with them, travel the world, dance on their wedding, dance on my wedding, organise surprises, celebrate festivals, embarrass them in front of people, cry with them, laugh with them, cry for them (already done.), laugh on them....so much. But dreams will be dreams. Because I know even if they come back...nothing will be the same.

If you’re carrying something heavy, put it down for a while, rest for a bit, recharge, but don’t forget to pick it up again.

It was fun while it lasted.

[the-raw-writer]

I just wanted everyone to know that these two inspire me sooooo much. and this post may be a sneak-peak of my next piece🌚🌝

“maybe we'll meet again, when we're slightly older and our minds less hectic, and i'll be right for you and you'll be right for me. but right now i am chaos to your thoughts and you are poison to my heart.

Until then, leave that window open or you might just miss me. I would be right outside your window and i know it will be raining. Leave that window open."

[the-raw-writer]

love (the real kind)

if you look at someone and only see the perfect eyes, the perfect lips, the perfect hair and the perfect face and nothing else...then that's not love...that's lust. It feels like love at first but then ruins everything in pices. but if you look at someone and see the perfect heart, the perfect soul and the perfect mind...that's love. If anything is love then that is love. Fall in love with the soul, you will automatically fall in love with the physique. after all beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Lust will disappear when their face starts to change, when their body is different and when they start getting wrinkles or stretch marks...then that 'love' of yours will disappear. when the truth is...if it was love it'll never disappear. love will teach you to treat those stretch marks as battle scars...scars of the battle with themselves....it'll teach you that those wrinkle are the marks of their wisdom and their journey. love will never tell you stop. they can do the worst possible thing on earth but you'll never stop loving them. you might start hating them but hating someone doesn't mean you stop loving them. it's like being happy and sad at the same time. You may hate that you love them and you'll take it as you hate them. if you ever loved someone then there will always be at least a drop of love in your heart till the day you die.

or maybe you don't love them...you miss 'them'. trust me...you don't miss them you miss the way they made you feel...when they held your hand or when they stared at you when they thought you weren't looking...when the truth is you were always looking at them...maybe not with your eyes but with your heart.

oh this idea of fate. it's so damn toxic yet I want to believe in it every time I see their face. not because I want them. I want the life I thought of having with them...but I'll never get it now.

Lust destroys you when it's over...Love nurtures you because it's never over.

the difference between love and lust is simple...find it

[the-raw-writer]

Grief and its stages

grief. my best friend. the only thing reminding me that he was real and I didn't dream about the existence of such an amazing person. it sure is a funny thing. once it begins...it never ends. even though how badly a person wants it to *although deep down they know they don't.* There are so many stages of grief...different for everyone. that's what makes it so special...the people who are well acquainted with it know how the other person who feels it really feel...even though they never really do

for me grief was...just unrealistic. grief and me are the best love/hate relationship ever. one minute I never want it to end...the other it hurts so much that it gets hard to breathe. grief entered slowly in my life but then it stayed forever. these are the different stages of grief that god threw my way:

1) DENIAL:

He's at the hospital. My best friend. My grandpa. in an other city. I'm home with my brother, sister and aunts. what started as a normal morning turned out to be the day I lost my everything. Half the day has passed. My brother and sister are in the bedroom. Im in the living room. My aunts are walking towards me with their eyes to the ground. No this can't be happening now....I knew it was coming but not this soon. Im not ready to let go yet. I still need him. I'll forever need him. My aunt comes and sits beside me on the couch. She pulls me in for a hug. and gives me the news. 'no...no' I whispered. 'NO' I screamed at the top of my lungs. My sister heard me, she knows now too. 'NO' I kept screaming. I started throwing my legs and hands. My aunts hold me. I feel as if I've gone insane. I'm in denial. I know this is a lie. I finally cried myself to sleep after talking to my cousin and friends. I wake up at like 8 o'clock. my uncle helped me get up. I was wishing to wake up and it be a nightmare so I was smiling...I was laughing...I was acting like nothing happened. My uncle took me to the kitchen to have dinner. I was not ready to eat. no matter how much I pretended it wasn't...it was real. I want this world to explode right now.

2) RESPONSIBILTY:

The first thing that was said to me to stop me from crying was 'don't cry. you're the one who has take care of your sister, brother and parents...and most importantly...your grandma' everything was different when someone mentioned her. SHE'S MY EVERYTHING from now on. All my responsibilities are towards her. A drop of her tear was equal to a drop of my blood now. The only thing to stop me from crying was when someone said I had to take care of her from now on. and the only thing that made me cry was when I saw her. but I had to control it. because I have to care of her from now. I won't leave her like my grandpa did. and I wouldn't let her leave me like my grandpa did. everything I do from now on was for the two of them. every breath that I take. every word that I write. every step that I take. and every thing that I say is for them.

3) FEAR OF CHANGE:

my biggest fear that night was what's next. what will happen to this world now. will I survive this pain or change forever. I feel like one day everyone will forget him. I feel like one day I will forget him. How his eyes used to shine. how he used to laugh. his voice. his touch. the way he used to call me to fix his TV when it didn't work. How I will no longer be able to beg my parents to let me sleep with my grandpa and grandma...and how I used to sneak out the room when they switched off the tv and fell asleep. How it was a rule that I will always sit with him in his car whenever we travel. how he used to sneak in money in my hands. how I watched news with him for hours. how I used to force him to smile after he got upset watching all those crime reports on news. how used to sit with me and listen to my poems. how in the winters he used to sit with me in the sun and then eventually fall asleep while I used to talk for hours. how everything. EVERYTHING WILL CHANGE. and i'll not be able to control any of it.

4) GROWTH:

That...day was only a few days after my 13th birthday. Even though I was 13 I always felt like I was 3. because he made me feel as if. Life was all fun and games. I didn't have responsibilities. I didn't have errands. I didn't have opinions. I didn't have maturity...all because I had him. and when I lost him...It was as if he left all of these for me in place of him. I started realising my priorities...before I didn't have those...life was simple...him before anything and everyone. I started having tasks and busy days...because if I wanted to complete his bizarre dream of seeing me successful...I'd have to work hard. The 3 year old soul in a 13 year old body became a 20 year old soul in 13 year old body. I started writing more and more...all of it was mostly only about him. I felt a different soul in my body...his soul...I felt strong. I felt possible *it we can put it that way* as in anything was possible...cause he is with me...forever and ever. i felt growth.

5) PAIN:

Not only mental pain but...physical. Whenever I really really missed him...I felt this...lump in my throat as if I was choking...I was. I was choking on all the sadness I had kept inside of me so nobody saw me cry...because whenever I did....I was apparently 'begging for attention' or 'making it about me' so I kept it in me...and when it got to big to keep it in...I choked. I slowly got a bit off in the form of tears and most of it in form of words. if the pain from the grief wasn't enough...people kept adding more reasons to feel pain...when your family leaves you feel pain. when your best friend hates you you feel pain. when you get rejected you feel pain. when the teacher yells at you in front of everyone you feel pain. even the lightest of things give you pain...when you are willing to take it. but I'm willing to take the pain of losing him...because this pain is my only reminder that he was there...that he loved me...that I loved him...that nothing comes between us...not even the sky not even the gods.

grief is a beautiful thing. feel it. but don't let it take all of you.

*I cried twice while writing this*

*EVERYTHING THAT IM WRITING HERE IS PURE TRUTH AND ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME*

[the-raw-writer]

I don't have feelings cause I get them all out when I write ._.

Soooo....hi! im me! you're not gonna know my name :> and here I write about feelings *that disappear when I talk to the person who those feelings are about*, grief *for the loss of myself...cause I'm dead inside...jk real grief.* and a lot more.

but if you think that I'm writing here for security or attention...get out. Im really not this rude irl. anyways ily all here and thanks for being a part of my journey

PS I also write stuff like poems and novels but ill have another blog for it and when I do...imma let you all know even though none of you care!

pls don't be rude here this is a safe place where ppl can share abt their life and anything that they've been through. if you ever want me to write about a particular topic pls send it in my ask box...if you ever want to collaborate with me on something pls dm me and I think everything been covered...enjoy<3

oh and I'm 14 and my pronouns are she/her