thediamondproject

[thediamondproject]

Day 30.

"April is the cruellest month."

Once, we got a hold / of a dictionary, crossed Love out / thinking we were being funny. / Tonight, we got a hold / of the Bible, did many things / but none that we'd ever tell our mothers.

(...)

It was a sticky kind / of night and we got / mad at all the colours / for hurting our eyes. / I wish it were March instead / or May, Sally says. Can't we put Life / on hold? Because this heart / is hurting me. It's not fun anymore, I'm serious. This time I'm dead / serious. Can't I just be one? Preferably just dead? / I think I've figured it out - anxiety is much like / being two people at once. Because you're sitting here / with me trying to finish your tea / as quick as you can without spilling / without seeming like you're in a rush / without throwing up / without blurting something ridiculous / out. Like your feelings! So that / this conversation could end, all the while / a fourth-grade you is on the ground / sobbing because his hamster just died and he has to go to school tomorrow / because he doesn't want to disappoint his parents but / he knows the children are going to be mean / to him again and it's thirteen years later, you swear / you've gotten over all of that / but somehow the memories come up in the middle of a conversation / about the weather in a café as it rains / outside so I take your hand and / you know I don't dance sober / but we come home soaking wet, laughing / at the townspeople's faces, not minding / for once what they thought. What tragedy / it must be to live without a mind / and for others, not at all.

(...)

Can't we go back to March? Sally asks again. Perhaps fast-forward to May? I mean, can't we go back to being strangers? Or perhaps fast-forward to when the storm is no longer a storm, just a word to talk about as we clear the driveway of debris? Because I don't want this anymore. I don't want rock bottom anymore. Give me the falling-to-my-death-but-spoiler!-you-don't-die-after-all part or the clawing-my-way-back-up part. Give me anything at all. Anything but / April.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 29.

Dear poet, don't worry

about the love poems. My hand

has been writing them for years -

even before I met you.

Every night, I lied awake wishing

the ache away. But it was my heart

all along, flashing a knowing

smile that blinded me

even with my eyes shut tight.

All my love is for you, dear

poet. Yes, even the ones gone

stale at the back of the fridge.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 28.

I'll have this. This.

Oh, and this.

You said.

//

As you grabbed

a hold of my

hand. My soul.

And my heart.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 27.

Coffee or tea?

//

Let's play a game, Tony said. You

can only pick one. You have to pick one!

You can't say neither. You can't say you

want something else. Those are the rules!

//

Chocolate or vanilla? Morning person

or night owl? Spring or Summer?

Brimstone or birthstone? To be the

damaged or the damaging? And by

that I mean, to be killed or to kill?

//

It's easier to murder when you think

about it this way, isn't it?

//

Anyway, pink or blue? Apple juice

or orange juice? Cats or dogs? Train

wreck or shipwreck? Maybe a car crash,

perhaps a plane crash? It's 3 in the

morning. We've gone into detail about

how we want to die. Hey, I think I like you.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 26.

There's a story about a stone, flung

into the belly of an ancient ocean, and

to this day, it is falling still.

On the night that you are born, it is

written that the stone strikes the ocean floor,

like a matchstick to the matchbox.

And you wonder why all you're ever

good at is setting things on fire -

even the ones who love you to death.

Perhaps people should not love each other. At least, not to death.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 25.

We met under an April sky

and the constellations blinked

a siren's song, warning me in morse code.

It's a shame I only understood English then,

my mother's tongue, and my father's,

because it's a couple of years later, I beat

myself up for turning my back on

what's written in the stars just so I could

face you and catch all the lies that spilled

from your goddamn mouth to mine.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 24.

I couldn't finish my breakfast

because I had a feeling

I was going to throw

my heart up any second now.

You look over, startled.

It landed on the table, still beating.

More frantically this time. You say

something along the lines of -

I had a bird once and all it wanted

was to escape from its cage.

It gnawed the iron bars with its

mustard beak, scratched it with its claws.

One day, you grew kinder and decided

to set it free. You watch it fly to the

farthest tree in the front yard.

It comes back the next morning, begging

for home.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 23.

I feel the madness

bubbling / in the pit

of my stomach, rising

to fill my throat with

black bile. I try / to

keep it in. You glance

at me once / from

behind your book and

know that I'm crying

even before the tears

come crawling out. You

cross the room / and

take my hand. All

of a sudden we're

engulfed in an April

breeze / that circles

our feverish bodies,

taking with it the

frayed soul lurking

in my bones / to mend

it. I swear I was without

weight for a moment,

my hand in yours - the

only thing that keeps me

from floating forever.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 22.

One day I am going to publish my book of 79 free verse poetry. You ask me, why not a hundred, or perhaps 80? As though there was something wrong with being odd. But to tell you the truth, it's simply because 79 sounds good, at least to me. 79 sounds like a good age to die, wouldn't you agree? My granddad died 8 days after he turned 79. Today I've decided that I'll die at 79 too, when I am happy as hell, beer in my belly. When all the people I love, love me back. And I'll thank sadness for teaching me how to live a life so full, death becomes a backyard pool in a Summer home - WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD WANT TO LIVE FOREVER ANYWAY? Sally laughs before jumping back into the water.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 21.

My greatest accomplishment this year

so far is having a normal conversation with you

whilst in the middle of an anxiety attack.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 20.

You ask me what was going on in my mind

when we first met and I told you I miss you

and you laughed and said BUT WE JUST MET

and I ran away because I knew then that

whichever hand the universe dealt us with

wasn't going to last no matter how long it was

actually going to be because any life with

you would never feel long enough for me.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 19.

When two lonely souls collide,

the impact creates an earthquake

big enough to collapse the walls

built around their hearts.

//

When two lonely souls collide,

the aftershocks echo into eternity -

waking giants from hibernation;

the first beat of a heart buried in

//

rubble and manmade apocalypse.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 18.

You were just caught up

in the moment whilst I?

I was packing my bags,

thinking we'd go far.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 17.

Sometimes I need to get away. Like I never existed in the first place.

I don’t want you to miss me the same way I don’t want to have to miss you because that feels like a bullet lodged deep in your soul and everyone looks at you like crazy as you frantically try to wipe the blood off your shirt on the  bus ride back home.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 16. 

Dear stranger,

//

if

you

think

you

can

break

my

heart,

//

good luck.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 15.

When I think of green, I think of my grandparents’ garden. Take me back to when the thought of my grandparents’ garden did not make me sad. I want to go back to my grandparents’ garden before it grew into a cemetery for all the good memories.

- MJL

[thediamondproject]

Day 14.

When you think of green, you think of limes. Not the innards but the skin -  rough and gullible. You touch me and I take that to mean you won’t ever hurt me.

- MJL