theghostofaname - Tumblr blog

[theghostofaname]

I have the freeze response because when I was little the danger was my parents and running would only make things worse when they eventually caught you.

Jenny Holzer “BY YOUR RESPONSE TO DANGER” Red paint on white enamel

[theghostofaname]

If I had the ability to go through all the work and application process to get support i probably wouldn't need the support.

[theghostofaname]

If only I was skinny

Found a cute outfit that I really want, but it exposes the top of my belly poking out from over my shorts (which compress most of the stomach, not tight enough but it makes a difference)

I'm sick of looking like a weird prude for hiding my body all the time, I want to look like the other girls.

If I was skinny, I could be beautiful

[theghostofaname]

She said if I don't change things I'll die

But has she even seen me?

A fat slob like me isn't exactly going to waste away

I don't have enough self control to die like that

[theghostofaname]

This means everything to me. My absolute favorite song of hers and she didn't even turn it into a full song. Sometimes I just listen to this on repeat.

[theghostofaname]

I told my therapist that people with an autism diagnosis cannot immigrate to Australia and she said "well that's depressing"

i was talkin with some europeans about their healthcare and i realized like, even if i had the means to immigrate, i most likely would not be allowed to in most countries as a single person because I am disabled. This is another major aspect of ableism I don't see talked about often, the way immigration systems across the globe are designed to keep disabled people (who would be 'burdens' on the welfare system) out.

[theghostofaname]

eveeyones got it wrong your mid 20s arent for going to the club or partying or picking up new crafts. your 20s are for discovering how much more autistic you are than you thought you were in high school

[theghostofaname]

Got a quote for a combined ASD and ADHD evaluation, its more than 3 quarters of what I have in my bank rn. And I still gotta pay off the other half of my new glasses (think its around $600 more). I really want to see a physio and an occupational therapist but I wanna get on the NDIS first to help me pay for it (which I need the ASD diagnosis for). I also need to find a much more expensive therapist because the one who has been giving me charity rates is retiring, I'm so glad my GP is still giving me free appointments or I'd probably never go see her.

[theghostofaname]

i wanna go back and hug my younger self so bad, that little girl went through so much

[theghostofaname]

Here’s a video so you can hear the water and the thrushes. I took it for you because you couldn’t be there. <3

[theghostofaname]

the older i get and the closer i am to reaching 30, the more the people around me try to deny me my age. it’s a constant ‘oh you’re just turning 29 again teehee 🤭’ or ‘dont tell your SO that, he’ll leave you for a younger model 😉’ and i just???? hate it?????????

i spent my entire teenaged years fighting for my life. i crawled through the deepest pits of my depression to cling to the promise of a life beyond that pain. i was so convinced that i was going to die young, that i would never see the grace of my age starting with a 2, let alone 3.

so im going to turn 30, and there’s not a damn thing anyone can do to stop me from loving it.

[theghostofaname]

Starting a new audiobook

She keeps saying "asbergers" but seems to be using it interchangeably with autism, so that's a step falward at least.

38% in, I think its a good book, there is a lot I'm resonating with.

[theghostofaname]

Starting a new audiobook

She keeps saying "asbergers" but seems to be using it interchangeably with autism, so that's a step falward at least.

[theghostofaname]

[theghostofaname]

I had to relearn how to chew. I grew up with food scarcity. I realised if I ate faster I was more likely to get more, otherwise the others would get it first. It wasn't untill after I got out of there that I learned you actually need to chew your food thoroughly so it dosnt hurt going down.

Do u not enjoy tasting things

true story my spouse made me start chewing my food more often and I was shocked at how flavorful things are. I'm 32

[theghostofaname]

Sometimes pain is comforting, and starving is easier to hide than cutting. The pain of cutting is so much better, but it doesn't last nearly as long.

Its not even about losing weight because I know that won't work. I just kinda feel like I deserve to feel hollow.

[theghostofaname]

I got 1 day off school to be ferried to and from the police station while trying to hide from reporters