thehighchaipriestess - Tumblr blog

[thehighchaipriestess]

thoughts from my subconscious: journal entry 1

Trigger warning: emo culture (?), depression, hopelessness, despair, emotional pain, self-harm

Happy trigger warning: hope, silver linings, little miracles, angels, self-love, resilience

And yet I have dreams not to lose hope. I have dreams guiding me to reconciliation. I have shows coming into my life reminding me to have faith. I have moments of magic throughout my day, reminding me my angels are only one word away. It takes a lot of strength to have trust in the process, to believe that the moon will shine out for me in the morning because she knows I need to see her fading face looking up at heaven. I need to believe that the white feather that falls off a white butterfly's wings is an angel saying, "don't be afraid, i'm here to help." I have never known loneliness because when I am alone I am not lonely. It's in the word—all-one.

This morning there were multiple moments where the shadow of the past wherein I gave up crept closer and closer. This morning there were multiple moments where I shattered a new dream of hope with the sharp memory of a pain long gone. I started being emo/scene in 6th grade because my friends were doing it and I was 11 and wanted to fit in. I never had the courage to actually cut into my skin because my mom always has laser vision when it comes to marks on my body and honestly she didn't need another thing to worry about. But the pain I felt as a teen wasn't pretend, though I would exaggerate for pretense, to be seen. A lie has a funny way of making itself a truth inside me. I never took a real blade to my flesh but my emotional muscle has never healed. No I take that shit to the gym and shred it. I don't take protein powder to rebuild.

For years I've been festering wounds hoping gangrenous lament would consume me. A penance for my hopelessness. The punishment for my faith in goodness was taking jabs at the open wound in my spine in hopes that another traumatic episode would have me transcend to the avatar state. What must my chakras look like? All condensed and mucky with gunk I deliberately put into my wells. I don't drink my own water. But I offer it to strangers thinking they won't taste my pain. I am in pain. I am hurt because I hurt myself in an emotional way.

But my angels come through. When I ask for help my angels say "we got you." They see that I'm down again, about to lose myself in lack of faith and they send me reminders. In a sweet birdsong I hear them say, "what's the matter?" In the blue open sky I see the Watcher in charge sending cherubs in the guise of sparrows to light my path, to be that white line on the side of the road in the dark so I don't veer off. A white feather floated down on my path just as I walked on it. That is no coincidence. It is a fact that angels watch over me and help me when I forget to help myself, when the only help I give myself is another serving of fermented disdain.

There is always an angel on your shoulder reminding you it's ok to go astray. It's ok to forget that everything is safe, that life will always try to work out in the most beneficial way for everyone breathing here and dreaming in the hereafter. No one is ever alone in the company of strangers. And no one is ever alone on their own. But I will grant that when I cry out in despair sometimes my wails drown out angels' prayers. And I don't hear them.

Everything is connected, and all good things work together for good. Even the pain in your heart being called 'evil' brings you back to your roots. The root causes of your pain are not to be cast out in vain. Wounds are meant to heal. And we are all already heroes with regenerative Wolverine powers. Let a paper cut happen. Watch it heal. A thousand paper cuts is the pain of a broken heart, but still paper cuts heal. One at a time, whether you keep handling paper or not, if you don't pick yourself apart, your wounds will heal. And you remain whole. As you have always been, complete. Check your arsenal, all the necessary tools are within. And if your spirit is depleted and you need a lifeline, call upon your angels; they'll appear in no time.

[thehighchaipriestess]

Don't be afraid. This too shall pass.

ll vid: Buitengebieden

[thehighchaipriestess]

and suddenly i realize

my body was telling me

"hush,"

& en su silencio oigo

creep de radiohead

pero me siento

cómo el cantante y

no la musa.

in its silence i heard;

held myself.

and my body responded

-sh

creepin

thanks for the poetry prompt @kaportka

What is draining you?

Take your attention off it.

[thehighchaipriestess]

Moon with a little earthshine l Jamie Reynolds

[thehighchaipriestess]

scorpio sun/sagittarius rising shopping for new personalities

[thehighchaipriestess]

new moon

a treatise on the moon's energy as she goes and comes

the moon replenished herself; she said goodnight to everyone, and snuck away behind the earth.

and now, she comes around again——the spots on her face, the peaks and pits of her countenance, how familiar they've become. i look up at night, searching for the source of light in the sky. but she's still hidden from me. the night's sky, lit up by the earth rather than her, ominously envelops hearts and minds.

the retreat of the moon, her absence of light lets our deepest kept secrets into reality. your fears are embodied in front of you. every nightmare is afraid of the light of the moon, so at the start and end of every cycle, they try again; they try to break you; when the monsters have hopes too, your faith must be stronger.

nothing makes life seem so real as the absence of the moon; the tether to heaven has vanished from the night sky, and any one, good and evil, has a chance to plant a seed. from fear grows a fear-full world, from love comes the lovely--but obsession lies so close to love; you turn over and there it is, staring back at you from the other side of the mattress.

possession of another's dreams and nightmares will pollute your truth and engulf you into the disillusionment of stagnancy——a pond turned swamp from abandon. coy fish swim through muddy waters, shunning dreams of light.

but caring for a soul doesn't happen overnight. the moon takes almost two days to replenish her soul; you would, at least, need three.

at the end and the beginning of every lunar cycle, take about three days to reflect and re-strategize——discover what you've accomplished and create new reasons to continue exploring.

the moon satisfies her needs——when she's achieved the fulfillment of her phases, she begins to withdraw and recollect her magic——and as much as she puts in, she gets out of her endeavors. tonight she may clearly determine she needs to fight through her fears and just do what she needs to be happy.

what could the moon possibly fear, what could the moon possibly need, what does the moon definitely want?

desire is revealed only in the dark; vulnerable souls can converge in darkness without judgment——we are all the same in the dark. our brightness dims so we may find refuge in the dark. pieces thought lost forever suddenly appear, tucked away in a dark corner somewhere, safely guarded by a film of dust, anticipating detection. in the dark, the brightest parts of our beings shine, glow, despite it all.

the production, reproduction, seduction of life happens in the dark. the Will, a feeble infant still learning, waiting, to trust itself, comes close to small orbs of light floating through the darkness. every light has a different color——and the dark is all the same.

it takes red light, fiery with rage and passion; it takes blue light, sweet and serene; it takes yellow light, lively and joyful; the full spectrum of white light embodies the essence of a soul; if you see purple, you may reach the transcendence of a soul, the completion of a cycle, the catalyst of change——for in red, every thing has begun.

we shall move through these phases of the light of the moon, and as our light changes, so must a different seed grow.

the light of the moon does not hide when she is resting, rather she lets go. we have three days, before and after, to figure us out; the moon only takes two. once we are ready to receive her light again, there she will be, a sliver of hope among the empty, vast starry sky.

watching her grow, we can see ourselves reflected in her illumination, potential increasing and momentum decreasing as the ebb and flow of tides. by the light of the moon we see what we have done, whom we have become.

in her darkness we get a new chance to decide if we still tread the right road, how we should make a new road, and where a journey must end for another to begin.

[thehighchaipriestess]

When you find out that your birth time was off.

When you look at the new chart with the right ascendant and house placements and everything makes sense

Your face as you watch the person you thought you were crumble before your eyes

I thought I was a scorpio rising but it turns out

I'm Sagittarius Rising 🦄

[thehighchaipriestess]

scorpio mercury ramblings, 1/??

memory

--trigger-warning--trauma memories, past memories, misremembering, lost memory--

Could I remember myself as I was, or will I forever, irrevocably, remember myself as the person I thought I was and always tried to be? Was I kind, or do I only remember my kindness? Asking my past would only further my concern as no one else would remember their past factually either. Emotions and hope will always cloud judgment, and nostalgia will only make us wish for a reality in them; the dreams we have of the past. A past where I spoke up . . . I can't remember if I ever did. Do I have memories of screaming, or do I have dreams of the memories I wish I had made? What if they had gotten away with it; what if my child's mind forgot, made me forget? The human brain is an entrapment of neural pathways just waiting to be severed and reattached again. Somewhere in the folds is the truth; somewhere in my heart lays the feeling; deep down, my soul holds remorse. Who was I ten years ago and why won't I remember? Who gazed back at me in the mirror⸺did I even look? I cannot look now. When my reflection looks back at me, I do not know who I see. She is a stranger who hid herself from me all my life, until the moment I lost whomever I was trying to be.

If I can't recognize myself in the mirror, can someone else know who I am?

I fear who stares back at me, and I fear for the fear I see in my eyes; I do not know where this fear will take me, and that is the scariest part.

I look for answers in the mirror, some sort of response to a question I haven't even begun to ask. Because, who am I to know? And who am I to know who I am when the person looking back at me doesn't recognize herself?

I am lost on a one way street, with no direction to go, except into the unknown.

I cannot say I remember never knowing myself, because if I'd never known me, who else would? I think the answer is clear, although the mirror and my memory may not be; if I don't know who I am, no one else will.

I must find myself in the mirror of a memory; fall Alice, fall.

[thehighchaipriestess]

interpreting transits: series 1/??

--venus retrograde in capricorn square natal saturn retrograde in aries--

Could it simply be the Venus retrograde?

Venus is retrograde in Capricorn. At the moment, she is involved in a square aspect with my natally retrograde Saturn in Aries.

Venus in Capricorn (retrograde), squaring Saturn in Aries (retrograde). Earth against fire. One is at Fall.

Venus represents values, love, money, romance, luxury, desire, and feminine energy. But I think Venus also represents jealousy, manipulation, envy, lust, obsession in a different way from Pluto--a more romantic obsession--and contempt in love.

Saturn represents boundaries, limitations, rigidity, closure, time, diligence, discipline, persistence, longevity, maturity, completion, and endings in terms of things reaching their limits. I also think Saturn provides a sort of strict guidance, a detailed, clearly defined way of doing things. Saturn is the conscious acceptance of perseverance over time, a long time.

Based on what these two planets represent, and the fact that Venus is retrograde and my Saturn is natally retrograde, love must have new, redefined, strict boundaries. Or, there is a re-branding, re-framing going on about these boundaries in love.

But because the planets are squaring each other, there is an issue with clarity and cohesion. The new boundaries in love cannot be defined clearly right now because Venus and Saturn can't come to a compromise over what must go and what must be.

There is a struggle between forces in this square. Venus retrograde wants to go back (perhaps to a previous obsession), but Saturn is adamantly saying "No," because there are rules and restrictions already established (retrograde) about this obsession.

Being that Venus is in Capricorn, she's expressing Saturn's diligent and persistent nature, she will not relent. But Saturn is in Aries, a sign in which Saturn is at Fall or weakened, so he will not go down easily, but go down he will. There will be a fight or show of strength as Aries is ruled by Mars, but Saturn won't be able to display Aries' full force. So Venus retrograde will be more successful at bringing back this past obsession than Saturn will be successful at maintaining the boundaries around it.

Because Venus is in my third house of Communication, Venus' obsession pertains to speaking to someone from the past. And since Saturn is in my sixth house of health and daily routines (duties), he will make sure Venus' desires don't interfere with the strict, working flow of my daily life...or he will try not to have those boundaries crossed.

What reaching out to _____ would return to me during this Venus retrograde in Capricorn as it squares my Saturn retrograde in Aries:

* pain

* confusion

* back and forth thought

* more confusion

* rekindled desire

* the idea of rekindled desire

* unrelenting obsession

* possible mistakes to be made

* frustration

* rashness

* irony

* misdirected momentum

*disruption of daily routine (as it should go) & because my immediate thoughts are about the past

* uncontrolled reminiscing

* delusions of the past (love)

* retracing of steps

* sexual tension

* tension (general)

* battle for control of my life (how my actions day-to-day lead me to love) (or away)

* anxiousness

* stability v. instability