themulligrubs - Tumblr blog

[themulligrubs]

God made me a ruined child

from child, grew ruined woman

ruined by the hands of every man that touched a part of me,

who took a piece of me and kept it as proof of their taste in wickedness

It is always men who want a taste of sin and then blame me,

blame my ancestor Eve, for not being the embodiment they pictured us both to be.

Taunting, teasing, alluring, and deadly, but beautiful.

“A fucking tease.”

That’s what I imagine Adam called Eve or the serpent to the fruit … my rapists to me.

M.G.

and God said let there be sin

[themulligrubs]

Icarus soared the skies as the sun beamed down on him in glory,

if you know this story as I do, do you wonder?

Icarus in your final moments did you still love the skies, the sun, and the clouds that held you once so softly?

Do you hate your father Icarus, as I do mine?

Photo series #2

[themulligrubs]

I want to baptize myself in the ocean to wash away my sins

I want a new beginning because this one never ends

Photo series #1

[themulligrubs]

When I was twelve years old I brought a razor to my wrist for the first time because I wanted to bleed out the parts of me that made me vulnerable to my abusers.

M.G.

the mulligrub confessional #1

[themulligrubs]

I wrap my legs around their torsos, my lips buried in their necks

I’m searching for a warmth my father never gave me, but I never find it in these men

Alcohol burns down my throat and I think this is the closest warmth I’ll ever find

M.G.

your breath reeks of alcohol and I of regret

[themulligrubs]

You are in love, but you are in love with a toxic person, your anxiety is caused by his deceitfulness and how quickly he hides his phone, how the names in his contacts are placed as syllables of all the girls he has decided to collect  your anxiety is thinking that the next girl he follows on instagram will be the next girl he cheats on you with. Your anxiety is caused by him, but also calmed by him. When you are scared of your new found responsibilities as an adult, he is the first person to kiss your forehead and tell you, you'll be okay. When you are crying and your body empty, he is the only one to bring you back, but this is unhealthy.  Your depression is best friends with anxiety  and they both tell you to stay, but to leave, while strangers tell you, you are worth it; your relationship is toxic, you can not fix each other anymore than you can save each other and you knew never to be in a relationship when your wounds of the past weren't fully healed. But he tells you, you're meant to be, because you are both fucked up and you're the only ones capable of calming the calamity inside one another.  And for once you realize that just maybe he does really love you, but then anxiety creeps up and reminds you that this does not mean he still won't cheat on you.

M.G. 

“victim to both my illnesses and relationships”

[themulligrubs]

I don't know if I've ever offered anyone a real love without the burden of trying so desperately to grasp it all back, but when I held life for the first time tears danced on my cheeks and tasted like the only love I wanted to give and never once regret I don't know if I've ever felt a true happiness, but when those blue eyes stared into mine for the first time and your body was placed so delicately into my arms, like a treasure far more valuable than pandora,  I felt a warmth that no one has ever sparked I don't know if you can feel what I feel, but when you lay on my chest and our hearts beat in the same rhythmic pattern, I'd like to think that mine tells you all the feelings I can not show I don't know if you will understand how depression has buried me 10ft under and how often times I can not express how you are my entire world, but you are the only light in this hollow, and I hope when you are older you will not resent the me who is hard to love when you allow it so easily

M.G.

“and God gave me life”