theoddestofhemall

[theoddestofhemall]

to any one reading this

look i get it , we all went to bed an woke up in a nightmare of epic proportions. please remember that leaving is not going to help. its fucked i know but dont make it more so for those that actually care about you. now is not the time to check out. we need you and your voice more than ever now. stay vigilante and stay here.

[theoddestofhemall]

The ghost......

I asked you what's wrong when you looked upset. I asked if you were OK if you looked like something wasn't going your way. You always said you were OK, you were fine. You always said if something were wrong, you'd say something. Then, one day, you stopped talking. One day, you went silent. It's like you're a ghost, but I can still see you. I just for the life of me can't hear you....

[theoddestofhemall]

Thank you to everyone who got me to 50 likes!

I was not aware this was a thing, so thanks for being here.

[theoddestofhemall]

I let you put me in a box, make me small so I was easy to control. Now that I've broken out, you're mad you can't put me back. You're even more upset I won't respond to these rants you keep throwing at me. The last time i spoke to you, I had the audacity to say sorry I'm a bit busy. I chose myself over you, and I think to you that is the real crime....

[theoddestofhemall]

I never said we had to be enemies, i just said I was not going to let you treat me any way you wanted anymore. I said you can tell all the versions of this you like, and they can listen, but I know the truth, and so do you.........

[theoddestofhemall]

its not the easy way out. not for me. for me, it's a methodical thought process. one ill never carry out for fear of what it will do to those I actually care about. which ironically includes those who think I hate them. imagine living inside the head that is even hesitant to traumatize someone they hate....... weird concept honestly.....

[theoddestofhemall]

I've said I'm sorry, for the hurt I never caused. I've said sorry for breathing in the wrong direction. I've said sorry for simply saying I'm sorry. I'm tired of saying I'm sorry. I'm tired of being the villain in the story when it suits the persons agenda to acquire sympathy for the horrible things done to me. i have severe anxiety, diagnosed by a doctor. and if Im being brutally honest I'm soooooo tired of being sorry because of other peoples actions. imagine being sorry for living? imagine being sorry for not being enough no matter how hard you tried? so many people in my life want me to be sorry for things out of my control. that is not fair. i know that is not fair. too many people want me to be sorry for not being perfect. that is also not fair. but this anger I have for all of this is eating me. when is enough enough? when is I did everything I could enough? why do I have to feel like I'm nothing for you to feel better? why does everyone need to hurt me to make themselves feel better?? its getting hard to keep going. i know i have people in my corner. i do i promise. its just this nagging feeling that I'm even letting them down because so many other people are saying of course I'm the problem. at what point do you consider they all might be right??? I'm still tired of being sorry though.........

[theoddestofhemall]

I said I was worth more and with every excuse you said I was not. Then in the same breath had the audacity to tell me it was my fault you did the thing that hurt me.....

[theoddestofhemall]

im still sober. my family hid all the alcohol from me when i was drunk. its hard living. not that life for me has ever really been that easy. but for some reason this time around its practically unbearable. the sentiment that dying is easier is screaming. i wont give up though. i have my family and this tiny dark corner to talk. which helps. i just never thought it would be this hard to maintain my sobriety over my sanity......

[theoddestofhemall]

i fell off the wagon last week. it hurt and was rough. the vodka tasted better than my sobriety at the time. i've been sober since last sunday. worry not fair reader for i have a stellar support network. but transparency is needed and honesty mandatory. thank you for reading.

Addict theory: when you're drunk, you're having fun and nothing matters. when its good its great but that is not true...... that is the lie you tell yourself to live with what ever damage occurs while under the influence.

[theoddestofhemall]

lol the irony in this if you have seen Dr Strange and the Multiverse of Madness. America Chavez may have some concerns that is wrote this before....

how would you feel if you found out that there are alternate realities out there, and in those realities you do not exist. that the one you are in now is the only one where you do. this is the one where you were strong enough to beat your hell and survive. but the other ones the hell beat you…………………….

[theoddestofhemall]

what hurts the most........

Dear step dad,

this will be the first christmas with out you lurking behind the scenes. i know our time together was never perfect. i know i never grew up to be something that makes you proud, i want you to know i regret that. that i let the trauma dictate what i could become despite the fact that i am smart enough to be more. i wish so much that things could have been different. that we could have had the life where those things worked out and i went on to make you proud. i know i am not mentioning mother, and if that makes you upset i am sorry. but like she does she has not even attempted to make sure im dealing with this ok. she just assumes i dont care. because its you. and she thinks i hated you. but i dont, i didnt. i dont think i could. so many of the bad things were put in motion by past acts committed against me that just jaded my young mind so badly it spilled out on you. what hurts the most was knowing i was trying to love you, but every time i tried to show it it just rotted. and now its too late and the only way i can talk to you freely is on here where no one who knows me reads the things i write. i took for granted the time i thought we could have had. i should have just said i was sorry. but i was always afraid to bring up the past, not wanting it to spill so toxically all over the little ones and him. you loved all of them and for that i will be eternally grateful. they are mine and part of me. but you did not hold that against them lol. i have a memory from facebook saved to my photos. its when you told me i could handle the cookie baking for the holiday season three years ago. you didnt have to but you did. we were not friends for some reason but i know you were in the back ground always. helping and being the best pawpaw you could given the distance. well this has gotten long and dramatic so im going to sign off. just know i miss you and am sorry for everything. i know anyone who happens to read this probably wont get it. but its ok they dont have to. because i have to get things out so they dont try to kill me........

love the broken daughter who wishes she would have tried harder.........

[theoddestofhemall]

in the time I have dealt with the issues going on behind the scenes of my own brain I would say the hardest lesson I ever had to learn was that of forgiveness. I always thought that if I forgave someone who had wronged me or hurt me, that well I was excusing them for all of the trauma inflicted. but the reality is that I'm not. forgiveness is not for the forgiven its for the one hurt. one of the ways you let go of your trauma and pain is to forgive the ones that hurt you. holding on to it only feeds that demon living in you. see it wants you angry, it wants you scared, it wants you to think that they will come back one day and do it again. it needs you to feel that way or else how will it control you? how else will it put you in that dark dank cage it keeps you in day in and day out. and tbh its absolutely freeing to know that your part in that bargain is over. what ever misery lies in the existence for those who inflicted the pain on you well that is on them. one day will they ask you probably not, one of mine died on that hill and there is no do overs where he went. and with my luck im probably going to end up there too. but i will know when i do that i went forgiving those who had hurt me. i refuse to live with the guilt of acts committed against me by other people its an unneeded weight that i can cast off when i wish. not a bad sentiment when you think about it.

[theoddestofhemall]

I had a nightmare last night. I was trapped somewhere and could not get out. I could see everyone I cared about in horrible pain, sadness enmeshed their very being. But there was a barrier between us. I banged and banged on it and no one even looked my way I started to panic i wanted to comfort them but could not cause I was stuck. I began to scream in hopes they would hear me but no one did. So I fell to my knees, head down, hair in my face i cried harder than I ever had before. I look up at the barrier and realize I am not trapped but staring at the reflection of my madness...............

[theoddestofhemall]

imagine knowing exactly how this feels. being beat down physically and mentally all your life until the only way you feel normal is accepting you are ordinary........

[theoddestofhemall]

sometimes i write my feelings this is an example...

its getting to be sink or swim time again. im falling into the whirlpool, its dragging me in that circle. the circle that brings up those things i buried. if i am pulled down it will unearth the monsters, bring in the ghosts, and unleash the demon. i can handle the monsters, i can send away the ghosts. what i can not do is defeat the demon. when it is unleashed it controls my every thought. takes away reason and makes it crazy. it leaves it on the ground bleeding with no way to convince me to step back. the ledge becomes inviting. im holding on by a thread right now. my fingertips bleed as the grasp as hard as they can this feeling of hope. its small and easily broken. im trying i promise. i just have to get it out of me and put it elsewhere. elsewhere is here. this dimension of holding...........

[theoddestofhemall]

triggers

is there a sound that when you hear it, it seems to echo inside your head at a level that seems not normal? for me it the sound of the faucet in the kitchen sink. i know its linked to my trauma from way back. but its odd, to be standing at your kitchen sink and all of the sudden the sound of the water falling from the spout is deafening. you notice it and look for the sound that seems like a roar only to realize the water is now coming out in slow motion. the swirl of it in the bottom of the sink to the drain is hypnotizing you. if i dont catch myself it will send me down the portal to a flash back i hate. yes i have processed it but it does not take away from the fact that memory is one i hate reliving. so yeah imagine your kitchen sink is trigger for bad shit. makes doing the dishes fun, and complicated at the same time.