thereadinggremlin

[thereadinggremlin]

constantly torn between wishing i was conventionally attractive and wishing i didnt feel like i have to be pretty to be worthy of anything.

[thereadinggremlin]

[thereadinggremlin]

I LACK

I lack the self respect to walk away

I know I deserve better and I know better is out there

So why do I stay?

I stay because I love you

I love the sparkle in your eyes when you laugh

I love the way you hold me close and don’t let go, but only when im about to break and have been begging

I love your carefree fun self mostly when it’s towards us

I lack true love

If you truly loved me you wouldn’t risk losing me

You wouldn’t have me at the spot where I cry myself to sleep over your actions but you think it’s ok. I’m more emotional than you would be

I’m breaking on the inside but you’re working to make everything ok, by only working on what you think is wrong instead of what I need to be happy

I lack identity in a relationship that should magnify who I am

Not close myself off to my friends and family who love me.

I lack myself

[thereadinggremlin]

Guarded Hearts pt 3

Summary: You find out Azriels your mate but you start getting the could shoulder from him after he returns from a mission.

Authors Note- Ok. I did it. Finally finished my first ACOTAR fanfic. I have ideas for more but if anyone has some send them my way. Anyways. Enjoy

As the shadow dissapeared and you heard Rhys’s voice you knew you were out of time. You started to grab your stuff for a quick getaway, not that you could winnow but you could fly pretty fast. Figuring he’d be there any minute you decided that leaving out the back door would give you a few minute head start. That idea was shattered as he showed up less than 30 feet away from you, for a moment you just stood there looking at him and then you shot to the skies, your stuff be damned.

You had some idea of where you were going but what you really needed was to just get away from him. Everything you were feeling was too much. Why would he send his shadows after you, he didn’t care, he made that evident in the way that he has ignored you for the last month. You had been up here for awhile before he probably even realized that you weren’t around.

You spent one spare second to look behind you and there he was hot on your heels and trying to catch up to you and then you felt a tug. You didn’t know your sheilds were down for that long unless…

You shit straight up knowing he would follow, you stopped and waited, as he appeared tou yelled to him “How long?” The hot tears pooling in your eyes.

He just stared at you, not saying anything, when you focused on the bond you felt a mix of sadness and happiness and knew that these were not your feelings.

“I will let you know when I’m ready, if you ask anyone or send your shadows after me, you will regret it.” You said as you flew away and left him there in the cold air with nothing but the feeling of betrayal and hurt coursing through the bond.

He didn’t know what to do. After you left he returned to the cabin and looked around, your books and other belongings still scattered all over the place. He started gathering all of them up to take them back home, he knew you wouldn’t return here since he found you but he did think that having them in your room at the house of wind would be better.

In your collection of books he found a notebook, it seemed like a journal or diary and it seemed you had started it just before you apparently left home. He dropped onto the couch to start reading and he closed off the bond again, he didn't want you to know he was snooping and he was too scared that if he didn’t guard himself all his feelings would go down the bond to you.

As he started to read, his heart fell into his stomach. He didn’t realize that his actions had hurt you so much, he thought he was protecting you. He didn’t want to rush you into the bond but apparently all he did was push you away.

He got halfway through the notebook when he saw one of your few entries since you arrived at the cabin

“Ive been at the cabin for a while and everyone’s left me alone, which is good, but I can’t help to think of Azriel has noticed if I left or not. Regardless of how he’s treated me recently I still love him, I can’t help but love him and right now, I don’t know if I like how I feel about it. I know he’s my mate but I can’t keep taking the heartbreak.”

He dropped the notebook. You knew. You knew and you never told him. He couldn’t get mad because he had known for a long time too. He was cursing himself from guarding the bond for so long, he could have avoided this whole thing if he just stopped to talk to you. He picked up all of your stuff and returned to the house of wind, he needed to make a plan and try to get you to forgive him.

You flew until your wings ached, the lake you always loved was quiet and serene. You always came here when you needed to think it was a secret spot only you and one other knew of. You didn’t get much time to yourself before he showed up.

“So you wanna talk about it?” Cassian drawled out.

“Is there really any point” you stated flatly “And how did you know if even be here?”

“Well I was around when Azriel was questioning Rhys and when he left I knew if he found you this would be the place you’d escape to” he gave you a small smile “I’m surprised that you beat me here honestly, I thought you forgot about this place.”

“I could never. This place is so peaceful, I just haven’t had the time to fly out” you said with a sad smile. After bad missions you and Cassian would come here to let the steam out, fight, cry, or just sit there quiet. After he found out Nesta was his mate the two of you sat here on the waters edge for hours while he just sat there and thought about her.

“You know he loves you” Cassian said taking you out of your memories. Startled you just stared at him “yeah I figured you didn’t know, he’s loved you for a long time”

“He’s my mate.”

“I know.” She looked at him, surprise cascading across her face.

“How did you know?”

“I’ve known since it snapped in place for him. I picked up on the little changes and all the glances he passed your way. Dudes whipped.”

You were baffled. Azriel felt the same and knows of the bond. So many emotions were coursing through you and your one thought was to tug on that string of warmth that you’ve felt in your chest. When you tugged on the bond, you were created with nothing but cold and darkness.

“What if I messed it all up?” You ask your friend.

“I can guarantee that you didnt. Rhys has been threatening me to come back and get that man under control because he’s acting strange and his shadows are no where to be found.” He paused as he looked at you “Leta go home, you don’t have to talk to him about everything today but at least try to slowly let him in.”

All you responded with was a nod of your head. You didn’t know what you’d do but you decided that you’ll find out once you see him in person.

The flight back to the house of wind was a quiet one, you and Cassian landed in the balcony outside of the dinning room thinking nothing much would be going on. As you both started to walk in you noticed that all your favorite flowers were delicately decorating the dinning room, it wasn’t too much but there were little touches here and there. You froze as you hear the familiar footfall of a certain shadow singer, they stopped abruptly so you know he noticed you.

Before either of you could say a thing Cassian cleared his throat “So are you just gonna stare at each other or……”

“You better leave them alone or I’m gonna beat your ass during training tomorrow” you heard Nesta yell from the hallway. A small smile graced your face as Cassian shrugged and left the two of you.

“I’m sor-“

“I’m so sorry I have been an asshole that was never my intention, I don’t want to push you away” Azriel blurted cutting you off. “I didn’t want to pressure you into anything and I wanted you to make your own decisions, you’ve turned into such a strong female that I never wanted to dim that or make you feel less because I think you deserve the world”

He was talking so fast it took a minute for your brain to catch on to what he was saying. He’s noticed everything and remembered it, and liked you more because of what you accomplished.

“Take your shield off of the bond.” You stated flatly. You needed to know if what he was saying truly matched how he felt. “Take your shield off and then we can discuss it all.”

Within an instant you felt everything; love, worry, agony, hopefulness. He truly wanted this life with you. As you looked into his eyes they matched all the feelings you were feeling down the bond.

You slowly started approaching him, staying slow as to not scare him but he still stiffened his back not knowing what you were going to do. You stood right in front of him looking up at his eyes and feeling his breath mingle with yours, you were both breathing heavy with anticipation. You leaned up and kissed him on his cheek.

“There’s a lot we need to talk about” his eyes sank a little as you spoke “but I really want to figure this out with you. Just don’t keep anything hidden from me, you know you can just talk to me.” You finished with a smile on your face.

Azriel smiled instantly at your words and before you could process it he picked you up and spun you around. As he was holding you he leaned in and kissed you. You were very surprised at the immediate affection from him but you weren’t gonna fight it because you had been dreaming of this day since you met him.

As he set you down he pulled back and was about to apologize but then he noticed the blush on your cheeks that spread to your ears. “We can talk about everything and anything you want.” He said instead

“Oh really? Then how about you tell me how it went back at the camp I grew up in when you were there to settle things.” You asked with a mischievous look in your eyes.

“Ok anything but that” Azriel responded with a chuckle, and it was the most beautiful sound you ever heard.

Maybe you two could get over this and have a beautiful life together and by the cauldron you sure hoped so.

Tag list: @crazylokonugget @kalulakunundrum @mp-littlebit @hnyclover @nickishadow139 @isa1b2h3

[thereadinggremlin]

Eeek when can we expect part 3 I’m so on the edge of my seat

Yes!!!!! There will be a part 3!!! I just got back from a little getaway but hopefully this weekend I can finish it off 😊😊

[thereadinggremlin]

Guarded Hearts

Part 2

Alright here you go guys!

POV: You find out Azriels your mate but you start getting the could shoulder from him after he returns from a mission.

It was a warm summer day when he realized he loved her. They were walking out along the Sidra taking in the day to day lives of the merchants. They got the day off from Rhys as he was spending a long time needed day with Fayre, no court or camp work to be done or thought of. You and him had Nyx for the day as Cassian had claimed that he and Nesta needed the day together and with Elain in the Spring Court with Lucian you two were the last options, not that he didn’t like the idea of spending the day with you but curious as to what mischievous acts you and Nyx would get up to.

You and Nyx had walked up to a musician that spent part of his day playing along the Sidra. At first you both were just enjoying the music but then you started dancing. Azriel stood off to the side but you and Nyx started dancing and laughing with nothing but the biggest smiles on your faces. At the sight Azriel started to relax a bit and felt a smile fighting to make an appearance on his countenance. He knew the horrors you grew up with, you got to keep your freedom of flying, thank the Cauldron, but that didn’t mean your father hurt you in other ways.

As he was watching you he felt that snap, the one he had been begging to feel since he was young and dealing with his own tourture that his family dealt him. He looked to you for any ounce of a reaction that you felt the same but there you were still laughing and dancing with his nephew. He pulled at the bond and your face changed for a moment but never strayed from the boy in front of you. At that moment he knew that he needed to put a sheild around that bond because no matter how strong he was there was no way he would have the discipline to not pull on it again, not until you felt it too in your own time. So immediately he but up that cold indifferent shield around the bond begging the cauldron that you would feel the same about him sooner rather than later.

For the next few months Azriel kept everything the same between the two of you, training in the morning for at least two hours by your own asking and determination to the post training flights. You both were drained but that didn’t stop you from leaping from the top of the house of wind to go fly for an hour. Azriel never knew why you did, maybe because it reminded you of the freedom you now have with your life, regardless he always joined you.

There were a few days you didn’t train as long or take your flight to clear your mind, and on those days Azriel would find you in the back corner of the library, the first few times lead by his shadows but soon enough he knew the way to you like you know the scars on the back of his hands.

“So what’s the reading material tonight, another recommendation from Nesta” he quipped as he approached you. There was no smile on his face, his own way to try and keep you from seeing his true feelings for you.

“Possibly, and if that’s the case maybe I should go find some unsuspecting male at Ritas to help me reenact some of these moments.” You replied without looking up from your book.

Many times Azriel would come in and ask you similar questions and you wanted to see if you could get a rise out of him. Apparently tonight you did because he walked right over to the stand that held the whiskey and glass and helped himself to a glass full.

As the silence expanded between the two of you there was a slight discomfort, which wasn’t normal for you. “Gonna share or keep it all to yourself?” You asked looking up from your book.

At your words he visually relaxed, poured himself a second glass and you your first.

“I thought you’d sit over there brooding this whole time” you responded to him handing you the glass. He sat next to you on the small loveseat that was located in this corner and stayed silent. That was the last night he visited you in the library.

Azriel knew that he was creating a distance between the two of you for a while but he couldn’t stop himself, until he knew that you also felt that bond he was gonna keep to himself. He couldn’t stand to break you heart or the heartbreak he would encounter himself if you didn’t feel the same and rejected him. His shadows would still follow you or bring you comfort, if they were going on their own accord or he was sending them, he didn’t know anymore.

Not too long after Azriel stopped hanging out with you Rhys had asked for a formal meeting with the whole inner circle. It was there that he learned that the uprisings he had been watching the last few months were getting more out of hand and these camp leaders needed to be reminded who the real leader was. Azriel was instructed to go to the camp you grew up in and even though it wasn’t Windhaven, it was a close second. During the meeting he felt a slight twinge, he didn’t dare look at you because he needed to make sure it was the bond and not something from his shadows.

He left immediately after the meeting because if he took a moment to look at you his whole facade would fall and the anger he felt towards your father would be even stronger.

When he walked into his room to gather his belongings he found Mor sitting in one of the chairs across from the fireplace.

“When are you going to tell her and stop putting the poor girl through so much torture?” She asked without looking from the fire.

Azriel was surprised by the brashness from Mor concerning you. After he felt the bond snap he felt that she was the only one to trust with the information of you being his mate.

“I told you I’m waiting until she feels the pull herself. I don’t want to freak her out before she’s ready. Now if you don’t mind I need to go beat the life out of her father.” He said with a scowl.

“Do you really think-“

“No I’m not thinking, that’s what she does to me and all I know is that I finally have the opportunity to bring pain tenfold of what he dealt to her back to him and that’s what I’ll do.” And like that he left.

When he returned from the camp he lifted the shield around the bond to see if maybe you felt it but there was nothing there. So, as he and Cassian passed you in the dining room he didn’t let his gaze fall to you but, he did dispatch a shadow to you, just to make sure you were ok. That’s what he told himself.

Then there was a day it all changed. He stopped is lonely training sessions and joined everyone else in hopes of seeing you but you weren’t there.

“Has y/n been coming at a different time to train alone?” He asked Cassian

“No, she hasn’t been around for a few days, I tried to check in on her but apparently she’s gone. Rhys said some sort of secret mission. I thought you would now about Mr.Shadowsiger.” Cassian responded. Azriels world turned on its axis. You were gone and no one told him.

He left the house of wind and went right to the river house where he knew Rhys would be in his office, he needed answers.

“Where have you sent her and why wasn’t I made aware of it?” Azriel basically yelled as he threw the office door open and practically off of its hinges.

“She said she needed to get away so I sent her away” Rhys said, face full of nutrality. Azriel knew he wouldn’t get anything out of his brother but he needed to try.

“Please tell me where you sent her before I send my shadows to her, I need to know she’s safe bec-“

“Because she’s your mate” Rhys finished for him.

Azriel was ready to beat his brothers face in because somehow he knew but kept it from him and still sent you away. Seeing the anger and worry on his brothers face Rhys tried to calm him down but the worry seeped from his being, and off his shadows went.

When Rhys saw the shadows disappear from his brothers form he reached out to you and although he was meat with a wall at first he knew a shadow had found you because he was able to easily break through your walls and all he could say was “I’m so sorry”

Tag list: @crazylokonugget @kalulakunundrum @mp-littlebit

[thereadinggremlin]

Wow……

I can’t thank you guys enough for the love on “Guarded Hearts”

So part 2 will probably be up some time today and there will also be a part 3 😊

[thereadinggremlin]

Guarded Hearts

Alright friends, this is my first fic and it is an Azriel x Reader, this is my first one and maybe there will be a second part but that’s up to you guys.

POV: you find out Azriel’s you mate but you start getting the could shoulder from him after he returns from a mission.

A/N: Like I said part one of probably 2, y’all let me know.

You couldn’t take it anymore, you just needed to get away. You found out that Azriel was your mate about 2 months ago, it didn’t shock you at all because you’ve loved this man your whole life. What you couldn’t stand was how much he had been ignoring you and giving you the cold shoulder.

You were in an official meeting with the inner circle when the bond snapped for you. Rhys had been talking about the uprising in some of the camps and how they would need to go and sort it out, they as in Cassian and Azriel. When Rhys had said one of the uprising camps was the one you grew up in both you and Azriel tensed although you didn’t note his reaction at first because in the tense emotions of thinking of back home, that’s when the bond snapped for you.

You thought maybe Azriel felt it too but you couldn’t be sure. You thought the bond would be this warm feeling in your chest but it just felt cold and distant. You would have to check with Rhys to see if that’s how he felt after he found out Fayre was his mate.

After the meeting Cassian and Azriel left immediately for their respective camps, Azriel going to the one you grew up in where your father and mother still lived. Luckily your mom was friends with Rhys mother from a young age so you were able to keep your wings and not get clipped but that didn’t save you from the full extent of your fathers wrath. That was a reason you were so scared for Azriel to go, he knew the whole history of how your father had treated you, the beatings and public humiliation being the smaller transgressions. Azriel had walked out of Rhys’ office so quickly after they were dismissed that you weren’t able to get a word in, you said your goodbyes and be safe to Cassian and when you went to find Azriel you found Mor instead.

“He already left lovey.” Mor said with a sad smile. You knew that her using that pet name for you wasn’t a good sign and that she could probably tell what was going through your mind. You ran away before she could get a word in otherwise because the tears would fall.

Everyone left you alone for the month Azriel was gone sensing that there was something going on and that if you wanted to talk about you would find them. Fayre tried talking to you but you shut her out immediately.

When Azriel and Cassian got back you were in the dinning room enjoying some breakfast, as they passed by you Azriel didn’t even look at you and Cassian gave you a weak smile. You tried to feel down the bond but there was absolutely nothing, just cold and dark, it made your heart break.

Over the next few weeks you were thinking that giving Azriel space would be the answer and that he’d be coming to join you in either training or in the library for a night cap like he used to do so often before the bond snapped for you. There was nothing, you never ran into him even though you could hear his foot steps throughout the house as if the house wanted you to know where he was. There were also times when you’d see some of his shadows lurking about, some would come right up to you as if you were their master and swirl under your hair and around your neck. Maybe they were here on his behalf and maybe they’d report back to him, you didn’t know and tried not to care.

Once a month hit from his return of your home camp you needed to get out, get away, it was all too much. You found yourself outside of Rhys’s office at the river house once your mind was made up.

“Are you sure you want to go away for that long?” He had asked you.

“I want the same thing that was given to Fayre, time up in the cabin alone and sheilded so that no one knows I’m there. I need a break” Your eyes had a pleading look in them with a tinge of heartbreak too.

“When do you want to leave” Rhys said sighing in disbelief. The house of Wind has been your home for many years, and he didn’t think that any of the jobs he’s given you were so strenuous that you needed to be away from your family.

“I’m ready to go now, I packed my bags before I came to see you. And I want Mor to take me, if you take me there will be too many questions.”

Surprised at you readiness to leave he agreed and got in touch with Mor, she appeared almost instantaneously making you think she was just outside listening in. “Ready to go lovey?” She had asked, you nodded your head too afraid of speaking just in case your voice broke. “Then off we go.”

You arrived at the cabin up in the wilderness within a moment and when you walked in and saw all the artwork, you wanted to cry. Having your family all around you while being so far away brought you some comfort but not much. You looked to where the eyes were and found Azriel’s right away.

“Do you need anything, want me to stay for a bit?” Mor asked breaking you out of your trance.

“No I think I’m good, just need to be away from everything, everyone.” You said trying to add a laugh in at the end but the sound was strained and laced with pain.

“Who’s ass do I have to beat, because I don’t care who it is, I’ll beat them up for you. Just give me a name.” Mor tried to get you to laugh but a look in your eyes showed that it was a love problem and although she didn’t know about the bond you have to Azriel, she does know that you’ve had a crush on him for centuries. “Maybe, he’ll realize what was missing since it’s not in front of him anymore.” She said with a weak smile.

You returned the smile and with sad eyes responded “Yeah, maybe.” And without saying goodbye she left knowing that if you spoke anymore that might be your downfall and it would all come out.

Two weeks you had been up at the cabin in pure silence and peace. You brought some books with you in order to pass the time, not like you’d get bored but you were lonely. Rhys and more stayed true to their word so far and haven’t tried to visit or try and get through your mental shield, you also went as far to build a wall up to the bond, feeling nothing was better than feeling the coldness that it brought with it.

It was when you were picking out your next book that you saw it from the corner of your eye, a shadow, and the second it realized you had noticed it, it vanished. Your heart rate picked up because now you didn’t know what was going to happen but your rapid thoughts caused you to drop your shields and you felt worried beyond any understanding and then Rhys speaking into your mind “I’m so sorry”

[thereadinggremlin]

Here’s a little Drabble of a story I want to write, y’all let me know what you think. Thanks

Her eyes glistened as she reminisced about the time they spent together. Her honey eyes were rimmed with memories that she prayed one day would go away. A loud crash brought her back to reality, to work.

The bakery was always gonna need tending to and protecting, it was her baby after all. There was nothing that came before the bakery, not even her parents and although it was important to her she didn't wanna be there right now.

The small town was in its busy season, which was a feat because of how small it was, the best thing was the help of her childhood friend who randomly decided to leave her fabulous life in the big city and return to their small hometown.Gabby wondered if her friend Ava had some sixth sense when it came to her best friend because all Gabby wanted to do recently is be in the comfortable confines of her apartment curled up in a ball with a tub of ice cream in one hand and a glass of whiskey in the other.

Gabby came to when she realized that Ava had placed a box full of what seemed like old recipes and maybe some cookie cutters. When she met Ava’s eyes she saw only sadness and regret.

“I’m so sorry that I couldn’t have made it out sooner, maybe it would’ve made a difference.”

Gabby and Ava had been the best of friends since elementary school and were inseparable up until their college graduation. Gabby had returned home to follow her dream of owning her own small bakery and cafe right off of the main drag of the town, close enough to get all the tourists but still far enough away from the bustle that anyone seeking a quiet refuge to read and escape from their reality could have it.

Ava on the other hand had stayed in the city where the girls went to college due to an internship that she had gotten that allowed her to get the experience needed to start her own marketing business. Once the internship was done Ava figured her best and first client should be none other than her best friend, and what a gift it was when she walked through the bakery door.

“I do not want you beating yourself up on that, there's no way you could’ve known that he was going to break up with me right after the 2 year anniversary of me opening this place” Gabby said with a shrug of her shoulders, “Its completely fine and I’m fine.”

“I know that you are lying to me but I’m going to let it pass because I’ve missed you and I love you” Ava had said while starting to take papers and cookie cutters out of the box she placed on the counter. “How many random different things do you think you're going to find in this box because we're already up to about six different categories of objects.” Ava held up a recipe card, a fabric pumpkin and had christmas garland draped around her neck like a scarf. With one look at her best friend Gabby let out a true and genuine smile, the first one that has graced her face within the last couple weeks.

“Who even knows, a lot of these boxes just have random stuff that my mom threw in them over the last couple years, I knew I shouldn’t have stored my stuff in her garage but, I had no other option”

[thereadinggremlin]

Usually it’s video games instead of music but this is pretty much accurate hehe

[thereadinggremlin]

Is there anyone else who just disappears into the world of the most recent book they’ve been reading to escape reality.

No.

Just me.

Ok cool

[thereadinggremlin]

I love finding authors who repeatedly continue writing in my favorite tropes but change it up. Same thing different font and I’m here for it!!

Book review to come from some kindle unlimited books and series

[thereadinggremlin]

Sometimes we need to protect our hearts when we read.

Now listen I’d love to read my entire tbr list in the order that I’ve already predetermined, but that’s not gonna happen.

I’m about 4 chapters in on this new book and I’ve decided to put it down for a little bit. For just a vague overview, the main character is dealing with some heavy personal issues and the author dives well into how the character is feeling which is awesome but it hits just a little too close to home. Now there was no indication in the synopsis of the book that this is what the character was going through so it was a surprise and there’s nothing wrong with that.

So, here’s to loving to read but knowing it’s ok to put a book down and come back to it later when you’re prepared for it.

[thereadinggremlin]

Am I the only one that reads SO much '... x reader' stuff, that I don't even read y/n as 'your name' anymore, but just read my actual, own name automatically? I don't even notice it most of the time lol

[thereadinggremlin]

Taking Time

I’m so bad at staying to my word about posting. Recently I’ve had some obstacles jump in my way but this week I will post at least one quick synopsis of some of the Bridgerton books I’ve read. 

After that I can do in-depth reviews if wanted but I’ll have the short ones posted thins week.

[thereadinggremlin]

Ugh, a dream

I love it when my boyfriend has asked me to read to him. My absolute favorite thing ever

“Read to me”

“why?”

“Because you go somewhere else when you read. I want to go there with you.”

- Alex light , The Upside of Falling.

[thereadinggremlin]

So me lol