thesaltypanda

[thesaltypanda]

[thesaltypanda]

Of course, the day we fight has to be shit.

The day we fight, I look like an ass because I'm running around dealing with bullshit that I don't text.

The day we fight, my overseas container is two hours late and is still in the processing of being offloaded making me late.

Everything is lining up "perfectly" shitty.

It's fine.

I'm fine.

Everything is fucking fine.

[thesaltypanda]

I don't know how to achieve personal growth and happiness

[thesaltypanda]

I am never enough.

I am not enough.

My shoulders aren't strong enough. I know that people aren't used to seeing me buckle, but it happens.

Just because the outside world sees me as the "adultier-adult" doesn't mean I'm okay. It doesn't mean I'm good.

I'm drowning.

I push out all of my good engery to you, and it gets knocked away.

I'm looked at as a well. I'm taken for guaranteed like a well. Every day you need a drink of water, it's the most important thing you need to survive. Fun Fact, wells aren't infinite. They empty. I know it's inconvenient, but it's true.

I know it's uncharacteristic of me to be empty, but its true. It happens.

That song Surface Pressure, I feel it. I like to take care of people, it makes me feel good, but I get taken advantage of. I wish I didn't feel anything.

I wish I would go through life -------------- monotone, uncaring, ignorant bliss. Sometimes I want to throw my hands up and be the one to fall and also not be expected to catch myself.

I feel like I have no one to catch me. But I'm told to just let go, let shit happen, let shit be shitty.

Here's the honest thing: my sunny disposition is a farce. My happy attitude and sayings and positivity is forced and pushed. You say that I only think about the future. That's how I survive.

I can't focus on the day to day, it doesn't work for me. I will fall. I will fail to live. I put good energy out, I force good engery out with the hopes that it will find me again...I learned when I was young that if you say good things out loud, sometimes it will drown out what's in your head.

It's all fake though, fake it until you make it. But I'm scared to actually let go, because only my mom was there to catch me last time I was bedridden for 6 months and I don't have her now. I let myself fall and it almost killed me. I can't purposely let myself fall knowing that I will fail at saving myself.

Thanks for reading my salty thoughts.

P.S how does one Tumblr, this formatting thing is hard and wasn't on purpose. Sigh.

[thesaltypanda]

18.5 hours later and it’s done!

(it was rough, buddy)

Check out my shop here

[thesaltypanda]

[thesaltypanda]

[thesaltypanda]

[thesaltypanda]

How can I keep saying, "I want you to live," when you always want to die.

You hate your mind and how it hurts you.

You hate your body and how it stops you from having an accessible life.

You hate who you are because of your family.

You say, 'Doctors let people who are in physical pain die, but because my pain is mental I have to live in anguish."

I have to say, "No, it's going to be okay, "

And, "We'll get through this,"

How long can I keep looking you in the eye while you're in a meltdown, telling you that you need to live. It will get better. When realistically...I don't know if that's true. How long can I ask you to stay alive, through the torture of your brain because I want you in my life.

How can I keep fighting for your life when so frequently you don't want to fight for it.

Is it a mercy to give up? I don't want to, it crushes my soul thinking about it. But it's a serious question: is it a mercy for me to give up too?

[thesaltypanda]

On the verge of no return, why'd you keep fucking it up?

Don't wanna have to bury you, but nothing seems to get through your skull

One day the only butterflies left will be in your chest

As you march towards your death, breathing your last breath

I hate to say, "I told you so", but look how the bruises show

Tell me, how's it gonna feel without my arms wrapped around, wrapped around you?

Bet it feels pretty real when your skin starts to peel from the bone

You were dead to the world, now I'm dead to you

Haunting your own house, nothing to lose

How did I let you sink your fangs so deep? Ah

You know you can't breathe on your own

Past the point of rescuing, why'd I keep pushing my luck?

The hole I wore into your soul has got too big to overlook

One day the only butterflies left will be in our chests

As we march towards our death, breathing our last breath

I thought we had a future, but we ain't got a chance in hell

So tell me, how's it gonna feel without my arms wrapped around, wrapped around you?

Bet it feels pretty real when your skin starts to peel from the bone

You were dead to the world, now I'm dead to you

Haunting your own house, nothing to lose

I let you sink your fangs so deep, ah

You know I can't breathe on my own (you know you can't breathe on your own)

How can I breathe on my own? (How can you breathe on your own?)

The sun is setting on our love, I fear

Letting our loneliness out into the atmosphere

The tide is turning on, our chance to turn it 'round

I never thought I'd see my fingernails fall out

Love isn't in the air

One day the only butterflies left will be the ones in your chest as you March towards death - Bring me the Horizon & Amy Lee