thesun-themoon-and-thetruth - Tumblr blog

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

The wounds I have healed-

“Quite often, young lady, it seems like we're not getting anywhere, when in fact- We are.”

Aside from being a quote from one of my most favorite nostalgic films (The Labyrinth), I have recently found this quote to ring very true in the course of my healing over the last year especially.

This time last year, as I have mentioned many, many, MANY times. I realized that I was not simply a victim of bad men. I was not just being abused by every man I met because THEY were sick. The truth was, I was sick. Realizing that was both empowering and disheartening at times and of course I would say it still can be both. 

Being codependent had led me into many situations that, had I been well, I would have simply walked away immediately. But, instead of doing that, I did the opposite. I clung with desperation, focused on THEIR issues and how to FIX THEM. Meanwhile, hurting myself in every facet of my life. Mentally, physically, sexually...I allowed myself to be treated in a way, that I would never treat another human being. On top of that, I hurt myself. Looking back it can be much more painful to just remember how I treated myself.

But the fact was, that I did not love myself. At all.

Over this last year, that has changed and I am so grateful for all of the negative experiences that helped me realize that it wasn’t the men that I needed to change..but myself. They say the universe keeps giving you the same lesson until you learn it and in my experience, that is very true.

Maybe I didn’t heal or change as quickly as I wanted to at first, but it has happened in time as all great things do. 

Now, I am in a place where I enjoy myself. I enjoy time with myself and taking care of myself is the top priority. Not in a selfish way but in a healthy one.

You can’t give love if you do not love yourself. You are pouring from an empty glass.

Over the last year, I kept telling myself the reason I kept backsliding into my most unhealthy relationships, was simply because I needed a therapists ‘help’. But, something clicked just over the last few months. NO ONE, not even a psychologist is going to save me. No one is going to take the reigns and make changing any easier. I have to do it. I have to save myself. And the fact that I have, means more to me now. Because I didnt have help in the way I was begging the universe for. I helped myself. I scoured for resources to listen to, talk to, and in times of trouble, turn to that would not be the bad relationship.

I have somehow managed, on my own to leave a narcissist. Which if you read any articles, or forums, you will see, it is not easy. They don’t make it easy for you to do. They try anything and everything. But after leaving it so many times..idk. I have finally witnessed a pattern, and this pattern has helped me so much. SO did DBT class. The skill, coping ahead. When you know whats coming next in this pattern of manipulation, you/I can cope ahead for whats coming next.  And maybe this doesn’t make sense to most, but if anyone has experienced leaving a relationship like this, I believe if you’ve done it enough you would know the pattern I’m talking about.

IF I heal one area of myself, the narcissist will then try to find a different weak spot in my fence. But over the last year, I can’t help but feel like I built my fence up. And I truly am proud of that. 

I am not the type of person anymore, to blame him for all of the awful emotions and situations that occurred. Because now I know, it does take two to tango. and had I been healthy, I would have never been in those situations to begin with. The only feeling left for him is pity. As I feel, I have left this relationship both changed and stronger, and sadly for him, he is the same and that is truly much more a travesty than anything I endured at our hands.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Coming Home.

It has been a long while since I have written anything on here. I believe I hopped back onto the denial train for awhile. As unnatural as denial is, for a codependent person, it feels the almost the most natural. Living in chaos tends to be where I feel the most comfortable in a strange way. 

Since I realized I was codependent almost this time last year, so much has changed. When the AH-HA moment occurred at that time, that I am codependent, I was filled with hope almost instantly. Because, I thought, now that I know what my issue is, now I can just choose to not be that way. As it turns out, change isn’t really as simple as that. Not true change anyways.

The change has been much slower than I anticipated, with quite a few ‘relapses’ in between. I will be a healing person one month and back into the tragic push/pull relationship/denial in moments of weakness. However, I really do feel that may now be behind me for good. There is no more deniability left to excuse the relationship as anything more than a narc/codependent one. 

My plan now is to allow myself to feel heartbroken over the loss. Allow myself to mourn it entirely, without running back into its chaotic comfort.

There is no way around the fact that I have allowed myself to be treated in a very inappropriate way, not just in this last relationship, but in all of my previous relationships. Only time can heal these wounds.

I have to really keep working at loving myself. I love others with such fierceness, I would never allow them to be treated in the same way I have allowed myself to be treated, and that needs to change. How unkind it is, to take a person who is sad, wounded, and allow more damage to be done by myself and others.

It is unkind and not who I want to be any more.

I will reparent myself, relearn love. And learn to accept the person I am. I am not unworthy of love, nor am I unworthy of respectable treatement. I have just been unhealthy, and therefore attracting those who would bring me harm.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Obsessed thoughts.

Okay, so maybe I am intellectualizing my behavior again. I know I can be guilty of overthinking. Maybe I am bipolar, maybe I am not. Either way I am me.

The best thing I can do is slow the thoughts down. Breathe. Stay in the moment, wherever that moment is. And remember to be myself and respect myself. It is how to be truly content.

I have to remember to have things to look forward to, in the near future if possible. 

Meditate even when I don’t want to.

And remember how rewarding things are when I do the ‘hard’ thing, and step out of denial and into reality. 

Like last night, it took me hours but I finally got myself up to take a walk. And who did I run into? Erin. A very great friend from band. and we walked and talked for hours.

I loved seeing her and talking to her again.

Making good choices are so rewarding.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

When the people you’ve idolized/admired fictional or real, become your demons.

I think this is when you truly notice that you are changed. You are not the same. The people and characters, that used to draw your attention and admiration...for some reason, you feel it in your gut..you no longer admire them. You pity them. You feel maybe even a bit of disgust towards them. Sadness for them and maybe for the person you were when you loved/liked/admired them...but you no longer hold them on the pedestal they once ruled.

i used to admire so many characters/people. mostly they were brooding, dark, narcissistic. until i met a person truly disordered enough to cause me real pain. i’d never been in love before him. so no pain ever really came out of breakups. but this one was different. it changed me. my world. my perspective.

no one is all good or all bad. everyones got a combination of the two. but some people...they just want what they want. no matter the cost to anyone around them. and thats exactly what i encountered.

now they want me again. the cost is my self esteem. self respect. do they care? 

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Can’t go over it, can’t go under it: I guess I’ll have to go through it.

I often wonder, when that feeling in my chest will go away. That feeling that I, i don’t know. It’s like I just CANT imagine truly trusting anyone ever again. It can be a lonely feeling. Yet, maybe it needed to happen. If I can’t get close to anyone, that leaves only about a handful of people I can be close to. Pretty much my family, friends, and MYSELF. Since I can’t always be around family and friends, it leaves ME, to get to know ME. Which is something I have always neglected. Although, over the last year, I know there has been alot of progress. Maybe it hasn’t gone as fast or as smoothly as my expectations planned, this time last year. But, despite the negative voices in my head, telling me I’m failing...I know progress has been made.

I’m listening to my real feelings. 10 years ago, I’d have a bad dream about a real life traumatic event and think, GOD IM CRAZY. But now, I see the recurring dreams about the same trauma, in a new light. They are always TELLING me something. Right now, they are telling me, you are in the line of fire. You are putting yourself in the same situation where THIS traumatic thing occurred.

It’s me looking out for me. and as fucked up as the dreams have been, I know its self love. Its the love for myself manifesting as HEY LOOK>DONT GO MINIMIZING THIS TOO. IT IS PAINFUL AND real.

and that gives me a sense of hope and freedom, even if it is tinged with disgust, sadness, and whole hearted depression. I can work on all of these things. My change.

Every trauma I have had, centers around sex, sexuality, betrayal..

I need to work through this. 

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Accepting Depression as a part of my life.

For (at least) 18 years, on the record, I have been living with depression. I have lived with it since I can remember. The first time I heard a doctor say the word depression to me, I was about 7-8 years old. 

It seemed to peak around Christmas and my birthday always. 

The first year I remember being taken to the doctor for my symptoms was probably around 1999-2000, it was that Christmas time feeling I always had. I remember even back then, I knew that with Christmas came that feeling that nothing was real. That I was living in a dream. But not like LIVING THE DREAM. Living in a world that wasn’t mine. Have you ever been in a dream and everything is topsy turvy? It feels like any moment the world could spin upside down or a monster could turn the corner and you wouldn’t be surprised..because its all a dream after all?

Well that is the best way, I could describe the old feeling.

That year I believe my dad and Angie took me to the doctor, describing my symptoms, and that is the first time I heard a doctor mention that I may be depressed.

It never really seemed to matter to anyone except Angie, and for her presence I am truly grateful.

I lived with depression for so long, it became the norm for me, to sink into whatever I was feeling in the moment and go with it. But when the time came to start dating like everyone around me was, right after the 8th grade..It is when I started feeling extreme shame for the condition my mother never even attempted to worry or treat. I just thought it was something I must have to learn to live with, alone.

But when I stepped into the dating world, it was cruel. Aside from dating the wrong types due to no self esteem, codependency issues, the sexual abuse issues I had from childhood, and a plethora of abandonment issues..my depression was always the MOST shamed because I simply could not hide it.

When it reared its ugly head, no teenage boy could ever be understanding of it. They would tell me, I’m too negative, I’m always looking at things wrong, or badly. They made me feel very ashamed of how I felt. Which is exactly how my mother made me feel growing up.

So, when I was 16, and my mom put me into a mental hospital and my boyfriend broke up with me, and his ex girlfriend called me to tell me to ‘finish the job’ next time I decided to cut myself...I decided, I didn’t have depression anymore.

I simply didn’t.

I saw my sister and brother moving through life, getting things and they were seemingly happy. But I didn’t want anything. Things made me feel guilt. God forbid someone buy me something. It would immediately thrown me into a disassociated state.

So for the last decade, I’ve lived in almost complete denial, that depression exists in me. I’ve looked for any other possibility than that to blame for my feelings that can be monstrous. 

However...It has clicked. Finally. After working very hard this last year, on myself, my self esteem, self respect. Working on making my life worth living and my childrens lives improved..

I finally know with no degree of uncertainty, that I have depression. I have been in denial that I do because of the shame and pain it caused me. The rejection it has caused me. 

But I can do better. I just know it. I can fight harder. I have made it this far and my children need me. I know that meditation, medication, therapy, exercise, and nourishing foods can greatly improve the effect it holds. I just need to keep working at it. 

I strangely feel relieved to just have this blinder cast out. To admit a truth that has always been in a truth in my life.

I have depression.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Promise 1: I know a new sense of belonging. The feeling of emptiness and loneliness will disappear. Codependents are not all stamped out of one mold. One thing that keeps us coming back is our identification with other codependents. As we listen and share in CoDA meetings we begin to discover that others have similar feelings and behaviours . We hear out own stories coming from the mouths of strangers. Our sense of isolation finally begins to lift.

I really need to show up to CODA next week. I get paid Wednesday so I know I will be able to go.

I need to tell the group a few things. One...that I really never realized just how powerless I am. Over myself or others. and Two, that my denial is so strong when I’m afraid. When I am fear forecasting my future.

The thing is, is that I was/am in love. But it is so unhealthy. It is killing me and my happiness. My potential. So much energy goes into either being in denial or facing reality and both are NOT fun.

What kind of person loves a man who has brought so much pain and self doubt to their person?

Always with some kind of half baked reasoning to offer once found out.

I flew to Florida for 24 hours, he hung out with a stripper...Once I found out, he says...”I thought you were leaving me”.

That moment I should have realized, his excuse really didn’t matter. He found excuses to have sex with multiple women while we were dating..why wouldn’t he hang out with a stripper when I’m 500 miles away?

I guess, its just facing reality and it can kind of suck. Because I do/did love him and he just can’t love me the way I deserve. Being with him makes me feel like oh, I DO deserve this kind of person, and it destroys the esteem I’ve fought to gain for myself. He makes me feel like I CAN’T be confident...because how can I? I’m ‘just as flawed as he is’.

I dont know where my life is about to go. and of course I’m scared. I’m scared that I will die alone, and never find the highs like we had. I’m scared that I’ll be scared of people forever because he has traumatized me even more towards men.

But if I let fear drive me the rest of my life, I know my life won’t turn out the way I need it to. I need to conquer my trauma. Triumph. Even if that means I learn how to enjoy spending endless days alone, with myself.

But with CODA I think it will be possible. Meditation. I just have to figure out how to stay on track.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

You are what you do, and so if you change what you do, you change what you are.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Admitting I am powerless over myself and others...again.

I am anxious.

Scared.

Angry.

 When I first realized and admitted I was codependent, I thought knowing meant that I could just turn it off now. That simple. In the last few months I have come to know, that is not true. Yes, progress has been made. But there are still so many self defeating behaviors, coping mechanisms, and thoughts that I carry on doing. Even though they no longer serve me well.

 One day at a time-has become my mantra. I’m sure for so many people this works simply because it keeps you anchored to your present day instead of projecting yourself into the future you predict for yourself. When I do that, I know, the future I predict is typically not a happy one.

However, it causes fear and worry about problems that aren’t even mine today.

My biggest hurdle right now, is keeping momentum even on the bad days. Learning to truly sit with those bad feelings and NOT reaching out to people to save me from myself. I want to and need to save myself.

I finally admit I truly am powerless over myself and others. POWERLESS. Only lifestyle changes and my higher power can come to my rescue at this point. I cannot be in touch with my true self without meditation. That is something I have learned over the last year or so. So what does that mean? It means I must meditate. Everyday. Even if it’s just for 10 minutes. It is vital.

To meditate every day will be beneficial in many ways. I can show myself love, give myself the time of day. Show my inner self that my true feelings are important. While also getting closer to my true self, and becoming one with who I really am, and who I have potential to be.

But to change, actually requires WORK. To stay the same I can continue to do the same old nothing.

Every moment is a CHOICE.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Today I’m feeling

sick, stomach acid in my throat.

A thought, dont be dramatic comes into my head. Followed by, I can’t do this anymore. And by this i mean life. It’s hard for me. I’m sure its hard for alot of people. And perhaps I am being dramatic. 

Lately it just feels like, too much has happened to me. and i’ve finally just snapped. I see the paths and I can’t stick to one because neither are satisfactory. Where is the compromise universe?

My friends and family see me, my best friends says, I never thought you would turn out like this? What does that mean? Am I supposed to not care?

Turn out like what? A depressed person? Does she think I’m a bad person? What is she doing so differently?

Same goes for my mother? Why am I held to these standards that no one can meet in our realm? No one in my universe is independent. No one is thriving on their own. I keep trying. That’s all I can really do.

I keep falling into Jason, even though I see he’s on social media again. He has Jamie following him. A girl he talked to while we were together. I guess nothing is supposed to bother me.

But I’m tired of other people dictating my feelings, i really am.

Nothing makes me feel angrier.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Balance

Balance what i have to do with what i want to do.

Today, I am telling myself. I am free. Because I am free today. What do I want to do with my limited free time?

How about roller blading? Playing guitar? or reading?

Think about which one sounds best. The apartment will be cleaned. I will paint my nails and treat myself to some care.

But it is a beautiful day, to think about stepping outside and feeling some of that freedom.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

No matter what, you never deserve abuse.

You never deserve abuse because you’re too needy or clingy

You never deserve abuse because you “let it happen” or “didn’t fight back” or “didn’t stand up for yourself”

You never deserve abuse because you “let it get this far” or you “stayed this long”

You never deserve abuse because your abuser is your mother or father, sister or brother, other family member, your boyfriend, girlfriend, fiancée, husband, or wife

You never deserve abuse because you have a particular mental or physical illness

You never deserve abuse because you’re “too emotional”

You never deserve abuse because you were “asking for it”

You never deserve abuse even though you’ve made mistakes, or said something wrong, or haven’t understood something, or can’t remember something

You never deserve abuse for being “too much” or “not good enough”

You never deserve abuse for having off days or being vulnerable sometimes

You never deserve abuse for asking for help

You never deserve abuse, no matter how many times and how many ways your abuser justifies it or makes excuses for it.

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

The difference between me and God is that God isn’t trying to be me.

Twelve-Step saying (via coffeeandmeditation)

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Step 2. For me, this step is a little hard. Because I am an athiest. I don’t really believe anything is out there watching over me. No God to hand my problems over to.

However, in answering some of the questions that go with this step, I have realized there are many powers, greater than myself:

Science//

Nature

Gravity

Water/Rivers

Wind/Rain(Weather)

Oceans(waves/tides)

Silence (meditation)

Music/Art

All of these things can help restore my sanity. Maybe I can’t lean on a deity for guidance or absolute power. But I can remember perspective. I am small compared to these forces in the world. I can lean on these forces, and most bring pleasure and value to my life. I can hand my troubles over while observing the magnificence of these things.

I can lose my breath to their beauty, and remember, how good it feels to be as nature intended me to be. Precious and Free. 

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

On Denial Again,

Denial so powerful you can justify almost any horrible coping mechanism you possess. That’s what I want to shed. 

How could I tell myself just 4-6 weeks ago I was ‘ready’ to date. I was NOT. Not even close and the truth is I am still not. Still have feelings for my ex to deal with painful but true.

Missed CODA for two weeks and I am showing up tonight because i’m slipping so far from reality. I’ve only just started returning. It’s like when the pain becomes a certain level, I leave my mind. I just leave it. 

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

Why is it so hard to say Goodbye to You?

When I close my eyes, I can feel your arms around me, your warm, fuzzy thighs against mine...and I hear the words in my ear, that made my heart soar, ‘you’re my girl.’

At night, when I chain smoke my cigarettes, there’s silence where there used to be laughter and engaging conversation..until those conversations turned sad, and dark...now silence.

I remember watching Titanic, high as kites, eating candy we snuck in to the theater. Holding hands, tightly.

That time I was very sick, and you doted on me. Made me Earl Grey, and soup. No ones ever done that for me. Taken care of me. 

I feel your hand stroking my head, after all the pain came out..suddenly you were there again, and giving me what I desperately needed from you while you were too busy cheating on me.

The pang in my chest, as I sit under a tree. Drawing, the clouds. Anything to remind myself I have reasons to live. While you moved into your new apartment...had sex with her. I sat staring at the sky, listening to a very melancholy rendition of Sanctuary over and over..and over.

The push and pull has changed into something else. I’m too afraid to reach back to you, to give you back what I used to..because I know what will happen..

I will always miss, the love, when you have it on full blast. When I am a priority. The way you touch me, laugh with me, experience life with me...but you replace me so quickly...

So when I come crying to you, at the lowest place I’ve ever been, and you show me that same love, the beginning kind..we wrestle, laugh. Make love, and I cry. Because i know this is a tease and I’ll never have it all the way..the way i thought i had it before but never truly did. It’s tormenting. 

[thesun-themoon-and-thetruth]

The Last 8 Weeks.

They have been a whirlwind. Wisdom teeth. Irresponsibility at times. Hospital stay. Lots of socializing.

But it’s all worn me down. I think it was just more than I could handle over the course of 8 weeks. 

Today, I have a sick feeling in my stomach and I’m pretty sure it’s fear. What I am trying to figure out is, does it mean I am doing the wrong thing? People make crazy decisions in the name of love all the time. But, is it totally bug nuts to hand my heart over to this man simply because I find our time to be fulfilling? I find our romance unmatched. and I find the compatibility unmet and quite possibly, unmeetable?

Am I willing to live with my fear? Or am I simply being weak?