thetransomen

[thetransomen]

can't post this to my main account, but omg orgasms off t are sooo much better.

i quit t a few weeks ago and just started birth control this week - my pussy feels like it did when i was in hs. like, wet and soft, softer than it ever was on t. and it just feels different, more transcendent and magical. also more full-body involvement, whereas orgasms on t were always short-lived and (somewhat) unsatisfying.

there's also something else i can't describe - a kind of pain i get afterwards, a soreness i guess that i don't get on t. or if i do, it's worse. the pain off t is like, inside and throughout my whole sex organ, whereas on t it's just on my clitoris making it more painful.

it's not a bad pain either - just kind of a lingering soreness after

please note i'm not a detransitioner, just non-binary and getting in touch with my feminine side.

terfs don't interact

[thetransomen]

nothing like crying and masturbating while listening to ave maria

this is fine

everything is fine

[thetransomen]

not sure if i have DID, but i'm thinking about embracing it anyway and becoming a system

i always have to wonder if this is how actors feel, or if i'm just an actor myself?

or even, is this just another form of anattā, the buddhistic concept of the non-self?

i've always struggled with having the concept of a "self," some permanent form of personality or oneness with my body.

maybe it's because i'm trans, maybe it's because i was molested. maybe it's because i spent most my childhood home alone.

maybe it's because i was depressed for most my life.

abnegation, military, servitude. "It/its" pronouns. this all gives me a masochistic kind of joy.

so if i'm going to embrace it, i'll embrace all sides of it - the sexual, the dangerous, the mechanical, the self-destructive, the trans icon, the christlike figure, the catholic schoolgirl, the butch militant lesbian, the quiet slut, the soft butch, the autist shriveled up in the corner with a book hiding my face

the lesbian obsessed with middle-aged women, the young slut obsessed with middle-aged men, the trophy wife, the submissive malewife, the freak-lover, the freaky lover

the milk maid, the breeding cow, the sterile freak, the monster, the monsterfucker, the twink, the fag, the dyke.

i'm a fagdyke nonbinary babe - i do not feel ashamed

[thetransomen]

This is wild.

[thetransomen]

it's an omen. like when chick fil a has the flag at half mast

[thetransomen]

[thetransomen]

sorry can't talk rn my mental illnesses are gangbanging me

[thetransomen]

About This Blog:

i'm mostly plannng on using this blog as a meta-discussion of sex- and kink-related topics, no erotic fiction or pictures to be found here. these are all my private opinions, no persona or alterego taking over here.

i won't link them but i have a main blog and a porn blog (among others), and i like a lot of fucked up shit.

I'm bisexual and nonbinary, if that matters to you. And white. And I've only really just begun to explore kink, but it has already massively improved my mental health. The key, I think is to explore it with someone you trust and to trust yourself and your instincts.

Trying to get inside each others' heads is good, too. And part of what I plan to write about here.

[thetransomen]

[thetransomen]

Monsterfucking. Demonfucking. This is how we battle our demons boys. We don't battle them. Make love, not war. Love yourself. Love all your parts. All your faults, all your strengths. This is the way, the answer to the universe, life, and everything: Fuck your inner-demons away. Love your monsters as much as yourself.

I know it's not easy to love yourself in the first place. So I just think of it this way: we're all humans. We're all equals. That includes YOU dufas. So if you say you care for humanity, for the good of us, then you have to love yourself along with it. YOU participate in society. We are all society, everyday. EVERYTHING we do, no matter how small affects someone else. Another HUMAN BEING WHAT A CONCEPT! We are all real human beings out there caring for each other. And we CAN trust each other to at least be fellow human beings and care for each other! The majority of people are really not out there to hurt you. Some of us are narcissistic, many of us are dealing with our own problems. And you can't go through life trusting no one. That's the monster talking. The monsters are always talking about how awful you are, how you'll never live up to their expectations, etc.

Well I'm telling you to FUCK the monster away. Let the monster give its full rant as you're fucking yourself, let yourself hear all those negative thoughts you've been having screamed at you. Yes, I'm talking about kink. Domination and submission, praise and degradation. You realize just how petty words can be when they're screamed at you during sex. You might even laugh. Because what we're dealing with at the root of all the monsters - maybe you guessed it - is shame. Shame is a normal emotion when you don't feel socially accepted. And I understand why it exists - but you have to delete it from your mind if you're ever going to accept yourself for who you are. If you ever want to know what a mentally healthy brain feels like. Fuck the shame away. Fuck the monsters away. Or, have loving sex with them. Love them with all your heart. Love yourself with all your heart. It's the only one you'll ever get.

[thetransomen]

Fuck fuck mother mother fuck fuck

i can't right now.

My mom's in and out of the hospital like once a week, and we barely talk. She just lays in bed all day and complains about everything. Like not to be insensitive to those with chronic illnesses, but she's *always* been like this. Even when she was healthy, she just lays in bed all day. Watches TV. And then wonders why *I*'m the one depressed. Why do *I* have so much anxiety.

She fucking screams at me if i open the blinds, bc she wants to walk around half-naked all the time (the bottom half. yeah i don't like it either). She does the absolute bare minimum of household chores, and she doesn't even make an effort to clean things up if she spills. It's like she has absolutely no self-esteem at all and never has. I can't even remember a time when she was really happy. Maybe when I was a kid, going on a vacation. The one vacation I ever remember having with her.

I just don't get her. She works all the time and takes the lowest-paying jobs, doesn't really try to improve herself. Like is this what she really thinks of herself? And how am I, her child supposed to care for her when I can barely care for myself? I have issues with money quite often and wish I made enough to move out. I have no hope of moving anywhere by myself anytime soon.

But now I'm getting desperate, because I can't care for her myself. I think she needs to move in with one of my aunts or grandma where she can actually get 24/7 help (my grandma lives with my uncle who helps her). I feel like I'm failing her, but I also think she got here by herself. She's ignored her own depression and anxiety and projected it all on me. I'd actually be a lot emotionally healthier if I didn't live with her. Especially if she hadn't been the one to "raise" me (i wasn't really raised by anyone. Maybe my grandparents and aunts and uncles. I spent far more time around them than my mom - she was always working. I never got why she never stopped working. Even working 3 jobs at once! I just wanted her to spend time with me. Instead, I spent most of my childhood alone at home. Making things up in my head. Letting my mind wander.... Kind of explains why I focus on writing as a creative pursuit, rather than performing in some way.)

I'm also at a point in my life where I'm starting to consider porn and related activities to make money. Not because I'm desperate. But rather, my libido tends to skyrocket on T, and I need lots of stimulation to get off. And it turns out, people like what I look like. I got 50+ men in my city interested with just one post.

And if I do decide to pursue that, I don't want to be anywhere near my mom when I do. She'd never find me anyway. I don't think she cares at all for porn. I just want to keep her safe and protected and never again have to work so much in her life. Like I want her to retire yesterday. She shouldn't have to work that much. NO ONE should have to work that much. Give her a fucking break. And give me a fucking break. We all need a fucking break.

You know all this would be instantly fixed if we had Unversal Basic Income? Or guaranteed housing? I think about this a lot. My situation would massively improve if that were true.

Now my aunt's trying to shame me to go to the hospital to see her. When she told me to stay home and clean. Because those are my mom's priorities. Doesn't care about herself, as long as the work gets done. Then she sits there in misery and practically enjoys feeling sorry for herself. She's done this her whole life, and it's taken me years to realize this is narcissistic behavior. Because I've noticed it in myself.

When you start to feel sorry for yourself, you actually get a huge ego. *Because* you feel worthless. Narcissistic Personality Disorder means you have extremely low self-esteem. And for me, it only got better when I realized I'm not perfect and never will be. And no one and nothing is. I accepted that I'm the same as anyone else, and I need to trust myself deeply - that's what faith is. That's where my faith in humanity lies - within myself. And with others, when I improve their day just by existing. Making eye contact. Smiling. I know I'm not worthless. I'll never be perfect. And no one else will be.

Because NPD means you feel sorry for yourself, you feel like you're supposed to be perfect. You become more concerned with being right than being kind, and that's your first mistake. Then you start to expect that of others. And well, look at society. It starts a cascading effect. To say that we don't understand depression is a bunch of BS. I mean, sure there are some people for whom it truly is inexplicable, but more often than not, it's because of some ridiculous expectation you're setting for yourself and everyone else. You get this black-and-white thinking (oh hi politics, is that you?) and you start to demonize certain people and things. And generally, you stop thinking of yourself as human, which is why you end up treating people so.

I've already written so much here, but it's safe to say I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Why I feel suffocated in my own home, why I get random bouts of anxiety. It's not coming from within. It's coming from everyone around me.

I really really think mental disorders are more social disorders than anything. But instead of a lack of communication between individuals, it's rather a lack of communication within the self. It's an introspective disorder. Maybe that's what we should re-name "abnormal psych". Because there's really nothing abnormal about it, when we're living in the abnormal society.

[thetransomen]

might even make a playlist for them

[thetransomen]

[thetransomen]

fucking hell, i've reached my limit on living with my mom

i hate so much that i have to live with her

i love her but i just don't have the energy to take care of her and all her neuroses

She screams at me over the smallest of things

and like. i just desperately want to live my (slutty) life.

it's like i have to come home to a screaming toddler i didn't ask for.

we're both grown adults, and yet she's the only one who acts like a child.

i really think she has early-onset dementia. she's ALWAYS in a bad mood. she doesn't do anything when she's home. and i get it that she deals with lots of chronic health problems. she just barely talks about them with me, and she expects me to fix everything. she's never in my life kept a clean or organized house. she's a hoarder with an undiagnosed anxiety disorder, among all her other stress. and she just. refuses to get help for any of it, then complains that her life's a mess.

no wonder i'm depressed living with her.

(yes yes i know. i shouldn't be 33 and living at home. blah, blah, blah. rent is expensive af. i'm in debt. i don't have the money to live on my own, blah blah blah. and i haven't found someone i'm comfortable enough living with, bc i'm so used to living by myself basically)

i mean i've gotten a lot better over the past year. i'm performing my own therapy on myself, and i'm improving myself as best as i can. sadly i can't say the same for her. and i understand her circumstances suck, but i just can't support her until and unless she starts taking care of herself.

sometimes i think of moving in with other family members - aunts, cousins. people that barely know me anymore, honestly. but at least they can take care of themselves like normal adults. instead of my dumpsterfire of a life here.

maybe i should start asking around, see if i have any friends who can help support me.

Sigh. C'est la vie.

[thetransomen]

He really understands me, he really does!

[thetransomen]

also, possibly related medical stuff:

i got a UTI that was diagnosed a few days ago (my urethra sucks and is super prone to infection for some reason. hence me redirecting people to my backdoor more often). and at the appointment, my pulse was super low. like sleeping/dead low, 52 bpm.

now i don't work out, i just take various weed compounds that i know reduce my blood pressure and can occassionally make me dizzy (on top of just unbelievably reducing my anxiety. so i'll take it). but i doubt they're the thing making my pulse so low. at least not them alone, anyway.

so i've been thinking about it, and all i can think is, like the doctor said, i must be really relaxed lately. gee, i wonder why. maybe it's bc i've been giving my ego some much-needed attention, what with all the eroticism i've been experiencing, worshipping Cock, which has restored a lot of trust in myself and in others.

we're all just a bunch of lonely losers out there, why not worship each other and fuck the pain away?

[thetransomen]

is this my first post? idc. i can't talk about this on my other blogs for personal reasons.

i'm mostly plannng on using this blog as a meta-discussion of sex- and kink-related topics, no erotic fiction or pictures to be found here. these are all my private opinions, no persona or alterego taking over here.

i won't link them but i have a main blog and a porn blog (among others), and i like a lot of fucked up shit.

~

now that that's out of the way, FUCK i had sex - and i mean some hard fucking last night, with another human being for the first time in over a year. and motherfucker! that was a workout. i literally ache all over. my hamstrings are killing me the most. i even felt like passing out at one point.

Some background info - yeah i don't work out at all lately, unless you count going up and down stairs a few times a day. Oh and getting fucked over by life, but well. Isn't that us all?

this guy was really in shape and wanted to try every position possible. and he didn't even make me cum (yeah i came on my own later, plus i got off on the fact that he fucked my ass raw). like he was a nice enough guy and all but. like too vanilla for anyone in the realm of a possible relationship.

i have a feeling he's autistic like me - he kept on going on and on about norse mythology and culture. this was after a series of texts where he seemed hellbent on getting me over to fuck me. i straight up asked if he was horny and he said yes. then when i got there we watched a movie for like an hour while he info-dumped on me. which, i'd get it, if this was a social call. but like, you wanted to hook up and now you want to spend an hour on exposition? bro i'm here to be your cumdumpster, not infodumpster. if you wanna infodump on me while we're fucking that's cool, but i WANT your CUM inside me. first and foremost. Ugh.

Anyway, yeah, besides the acrobatics i did during sex and me asking him to piss on me in the shower (he said he didn't have to go. lame.), it was largely very vanilla. oh and he fucked my ass bc i asked him to. but like. i want to be DOMINATED man. you know what i like. i even sent him an erotic story i wrote. his response? "Interesting." like i want a fucking REVIEW, or at least a "that's hot" would suffice. but when you're infodumping your special interest and i'm giving you honest feedback on that, i give you something i poured my heart and soul into and you just say "interesting" like that fucking meme.

Fuck i just needed to rant somewhere. i deserve a better dom, and even a better hookup. i'm never hooking up with anyone who isn't willing to fucking discipline and degrade me like i need, ever again. loving sex just isn't for me, not in the form of a random hook-up at least. maybe with a girl, or fuck just with someone willing to put some fucking passion into it. that is absolutely required of anyone signing up to fuck me.

thanks or listening to my Ted talk.