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[thevalerierenee]

today my therapist told me that sometimes negative feelings like guilt, anxiety, self loathing, etc are like the hiccups. they’re uncomfortable, we don’t like them, there’s no way to turn them off; they can even be incapacitating for a while. we don’t always know where they came from or when they’ll go away, so sometimes instead of focusing on why we feel a certain way we need to get better at recognizing its temporary nature, keeping perspective, and enduring discomfort. i feel like a lot of self-improvement rhetoric is about pinpointing specific causes for negative thoughts/behaviors so you can eradicate them, but people with chronic mental illness really need to work on allowing themselves to experience these feelings without going into a downward spiral.

[thevalerierenee]

09.03.19 : here are some notes I did for my toxicology exam two weeks ago, I still don’t have my results yet, but it didn’t go really well so my expectations aren’t very high :/

and s/o the canadian flag in the second picture, oh canada 🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦🇨🇦

and these notes are in french if you are able to read my messy handwriting and are wondering what is going on lol

[thevalerierenee]

Tools for Mentally Ill Students #1

Hey guys! So I’ve been thinking a lot about what I use to control my mental health and keep me on track to recovery. Little things that make life easier for when everything seems hard. They’re not going to work miracles, but they can at least help, so I thought I’d share them with you. Here’s part one.

The DBT Wellness Planner

This planner uses dialetical behaviour therapy to help you bring order to your life and keep track of your emotions. I received it as a gift a few months ago and it has helped SO much. I really recommend this.

Anxiety and Worry Workbook

A lot of students cannot access therapy, whether because of money or your family or whatever. Workbooks can help you start developing skills by yourself. It’s hard, but if you put just a small amount of time into it consistently, you could really help yourself overcome symptoms. Add it to your schedule like homework. I have chosen this workbook because anxiety is something so many students struggle with.

Fidget Pen

We all know by now that fidget toys can be more distracting than anything. However, a lot of people with anxiety and similar symptoms can find fidget toys grounding. This pen is perfect for study, as it’s less likely to be taken away from you by an ignorant teacher. Just make sure you’re the kind of person who is helped by these things!

Sleep Supplement

Sleep is something most students struggle with, and the side effects can be seriously damaging to your mental health. You may be able to get a sleep aid from your doctor, but many don’t prescribe them to young people for fear of them forming a habit. A natural sleep supplement might be a good alternative. Though they don’t work for everyone, and are not as strong as prescription meds, supplements with things like melatonin, magnesium, and valerian root can give you a little extra push towards sleep. I find them especially useful when I can’t sleep because of anxiety. (Always keep in mind your specific body and needs before taking supplements).

Pill Reminder Clock / Reminder Bottle / Portable Bag

Remembering to take meds can be hard. Even apps can be easy to miss and ignore. That’s why I’ve added three different options to help you remember your meds. The first is an amazing alarm clock that says stuff like “Good morning, please remember to take your morning pills”. The second is pill bottles with caps that automatically count down from when you last took your meds. The third is a set of containers that fit into a small, discreet portable bag. 

Fitness Tracker

Regular exercise can be vital to help you regulate emotions and sleep. A fitness tracker can help you keep this up. You don’t have to fork out for a Fitbit, especially since you’re a student. There are plenty of cheaper options out there. One like this, with a heart rate monitor, can also be good for tracking anxiety. 

Intake-Tracking Water Bottle

We’ve all heard it a million times- we should drink more water. It’s not gonna cure us, but it does help our overall health. However, it can be hard to remember to drink enough, which is where bottles like this come in. It’s clearly marked showing you how much you should have drunk by different times of the day.

[thevalerierenee]

Day One Thousand Eighty Three.

a sheet of paper can’t be folded in half more than eight times and yet i have compressed my body in more ways than i can count infinite creases in flesh that refuses to bend  but makes space for the bits i can’t bear to look at  most days i ignore myself in the mirror  blind to the blemishes, to the beauty to myself  and most days i don’t mind

[thevalerierenee]

I am so exhausted.

My taste buds cannot process the flavour of my toothpaste anymore. They are tired too.

My sensory organs are shutting off gradually because they’re too tired to function. They can’t process information anymore, just like my brain.

I feel like I’m dissolving into the weather. It rained, and my atoms poured down. Slowly, the water washed away everything that makes my brain my brain. Language relies on motor memory now. The air is getting colder, and it starts pouring without warning. Pouring hard, like the clouds are screaming for attention. The trees shudder, not just out of the cold, but out of fear. They’re dreading an oncoming storm, and this is the silence before it.

My eyes refuse to look at what they are supposed to, and now it’s a struggle even to even keep them open. I laugh at jokes that aren’t funny because my mind isn’t listening to itself. I’m becoming invisible like the wind; I’m not sure if I exist physically anymore. It takes me through eras I’m not sure ever existed. I’m not aware of myself even inside the rabbit hole. Dreams and reality merge, and I finally understand Alice. I wonder if she ever got anxious about it; I’m sure I am. I feel like I’m wasting away my life even when I’m doing whatever I’m supposed to be doing, learning something new, enhancing my brain functions, but not sure if my brain functions anymore. It’s purposeless, really, and I wish I was doing something worthy. But I can’t think of anything like that. Nothing is ever enough. This is an insatiable need to be better, but there is no definition of better. Better never ends. Maybe the word ‘best’ was created to confine excellence for human comprehension, but the word 'better’ can still exist in isolation. It is an infinity, a loop, a non-terminating race.

I want to be better. But I am just so exhausted.

[thevalerierenee]

Love is in the Air (Valentine’s Day)

[02/14/19]

Thursday

      With there being only 10 minutes left until midnight, I want to quickly write this post so that it is up on the same day that it discusses, haha! But it probably won’t happen because I have a ton to say. Well, today started off a bit bumpy.

      I could not wake up this morning at all and then my bother woke me up to show me what our parents set up in the kitchen for Valentine’s Day. There was a pink plastic tablecloth, two balloons tied to the kitchen chairs, Hershey kisses spread across the table, and various small gifts for my brother and I. I received a $10 Chick Fil A gift card, a 3-pack of my favorite gum, and a huuuuge bag of may favorite thing to snack on - sunflower seeds!! I remember one of the things my brother received was a huuuuuge bag of sour patch kids with gigantic sour patch kids inside, haha! I was running a bit late but everything was going alright. 

      Then, my boyfriend came to pick me up and he is the sweetest guy ever!!!!!!! I love him so so much. Tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary and I am super excited! Anyways, he picked me up this morning and had a stuffed bear strapped into the passengers seat with a heart-shaped box of chocolates and a card with the sweetest poem written inside. I am so grateful and lucky to have him in my life! 

      After we finally arrived to school and the bell rung, I went to talk to my con law teacher about my group’s presentation for today. It was a huge mess because my friend told me she was sick and wouldn’t be there but then she told me she would and I told my teacher what I knew. But then my friend emailed the teacher, making me sound like a liar (unintentionally). After all the drama, we ended up presenting today and it went well - we got an A!! The only issue was the font size, ugh! But its okay, nothing you can do about it now! 

      After school I had guard practice in the evening. Before leaving I took a nap for as much time as I could squeeze in. It was so nice having my window open with fresh air coming inside. Today’s weather was my favorite type of weather. Fresh, crisp air with birds chirping and not too bright out but not gloomy either - it was perfect. I would call today the perfect Valentine’s Day. 

      Guard practice went well today, too. We all gave our hearts out today in preparation for this weekend’s huge guard competition. At the end, our coaches gave us some lindor chocolates - which were amazing. All in all, today went pretty well. I can’t wait for tomorrow as it seems like it will be a pretty easy day, and I’ll get to celebrate my two year anniversary with the guy I love! Other than that, there isn’t much else to say. 

      Oh, it was also really nice when I came home because I talked to my dad for a bit and then my brother, dad, and I were all talking and laughing and playing around. It was a really fun and sweet time because I don’t spend much time with them anymore, or always get along with them. We all had our fun sides out tonight and I really appreciated that time. Well, it’s time to say good night because I am super exhausted, hungry, and tired but I am trying to end the night strong. Happy Valentines Day and I will see you tomorrow! <3 

[thevalerierenee]

Brief + Exhausted

[02/13/19]

Wednesday

      Today is going to be quite a short post because today was centered around just a few things. All day it has been feeling like a Thursday and I ma just ready to finish out this week because it is so busy. I just got back from my mock trial competition and a casual dinner with my boyfriend and Emily, two of the greatest people ever! I’m so thankful that they cam to support me! 

      But now I am exhausted. Emily and I woke up at 4am to get some work done and I got a small nap in before school but today has been rough. I have been constantly worried about tonight’s trial, which went pretty well, and have been sleep deprived. After my presentation, that I am underprepared for, tomorrow I should be feeling a lot better.

      Well, it’s time for me to say good night. I am awfully tired and need the rest. As on of my favorite and most supportive teachers says, “SELF CARE - you’ve gotta take care of yourself, too!!” Bless her heart, she is amazing. She came to watch my trial tonight as well, again I am very thankful for the support. Okay, for real this time before I go off on another tangent, GOOD NIGHT!!!

[thevalerierenee]

Goodmorning, bright and early!

Woke up at 4 this morning! I swear, the sound of my alarm clock determines my mood!

[thevalerierenee]

Grateful + Good Food

[02/12/19]

Tuesday

      This morning started off a bit bumpy but we’re on the right track for today, haha! I woke up a bit late and my boyfriend ended up picking me up a bit early but it all worked out because my best friend Emily is a life saver and brought me breakfast! Now, I am just repeating my closing statement over and over and timing it so tomorrow will go smoothly. I’m getting nervous! But I am also so tired that I feel like I have no energy to practice speaking, what the heck?! I guess it’s just one of those days where my heart and energy is easily focused into thinking and writing instead of speaking - which is great for when I need to finish writing my group’s presentation script, but not good when it comes to practicing presentations... 

      Anywho, I have a feeling that today will have its ups and downs, especially because I am somewhat insecure today because I wore leggings and a t-shirt with slides, which doesn’t all match the greatest. But that’s okay! It’s comfy and I have practice after school so I’m not even gonna worry about it! A lot is due between this week and next week in my classes, and a lot is expected of me in terms of mock trial, guard, and my group’s presentation in two weeks that gets submitted to the college board!! I believe we will do great, it’s the process of getting to that point that I am worried about with our group dynamics, but no group is perfect and it is definitely going to go smoother than my last group presentation (would you like to hear more on that? Let me know!). Well, it’s only first period and this post is already long so I will let you guys go and get back to you later on! 

      At this point, it is much later in the day and I am so exhausted. I don’t want to work on anything - just sleep. Just take a nap. Right now, I’d love to work on my blog or sleep or watch Netflix but anything but be here. I’ve got so much to do, it seems, but no motivation to do it. School is almost over but I still have practice right after school, ugh. I hate having practice after school in the band room because of all the spit soaked into the floor that we all roll around on. 

      I have been pretty healthy today. For breakfast, I had a protein shake and later a muffin, then I had taco triangles, carrots, pineapple, and a fruit and grain bar for lunch with a vitamin water. Maybe if I keep this up, I will lose the weight I want to. I can’t wait to start going back to the gym in the mornings and making good breakfasts! I love breakfast, especially cereal, it’s honestly my favorite meal of the day is breakfast! Just not eggs, sausage and stuff, just cereal, haha!

      Again, it is now much later in the day, in fact it is now night. Practice went well, I’d say. We were let our 30 minutes early, and if you’ve read my previous posts, that is a LONG time! I was so grateful. Now, I am in bed finishing up this post for you! I tried to work on homework after I got home, around 6:30pm, but I am way too tired. After texting her, I found out Emily was too. So, we decided that we would both just go to sleep and wake up early tomorrow to finish up homework and studying. I’m so grateful to have a best friend like her! I love how we motivate each other to work on our blogs and towards other goals we each have! In fact, she has been so successful lately at eating right and working out consistently, that it motivates me too and shows me that I can do it too! 

      Like I said earlier I have been eating healthy, or at least less, all day - and I haven’t stopped. After school but before practice I ate a small bag of Cheetos and had a blueberry muffin. For an evening snack I had some Doritos then had baked spaghetti and breadsticks for dinner, and a gatorade thrown in there somewhere. Wow, journaling about this makes me realize how much I eat. Now, keep in min I am an athlete. But that doesn’t account for the excess foods. But I am proud of how I have eaten today because I chose heather alternatives and spaced out my eating, therefore exercising self control. A small step is a step no matter how small, and for that I am grateful!

      Speaking of which, I have been so grateful all day! In fact, I just re-downloaded a bible app to my phone and iPad and have considered digital bible journaling. If not, then at least reading a quote a day from the app. I just need some faith back into my life. I was glad to hear that from my boyfriend recently, too. Out of the blue, he gave his friend a ride to church and tagged a long with him and his girlfriend for the entire service then told me he wanted to start going to church and getting closer to God. I can’t explain to you how much that mean to me! I honestly really do love God I just struggle with maintaining my faith and understanding. So to hear that the person I fell in love with wants to pursue something that we could pursue together and that would bring us closer, made me ecstatic. Though, this was all over text so the real situation didn’t play out as I made it sound, haha! 

      It looks like I went off on a tangent again, oops! Well, it really is getting late (not really but it feels really late bc I’m so tired), so I’m gonna wrap up today’s journal! All in all, today was a laid back, lazy irritable, but grateful day! Goodnight!

[thevalerierenee]

Great Start to the Week

[02/11/19]

Monday

      This morning I woke up to some great news after a great, accomplished night - a 2-hour delay! I am so grateful that today was such a short day at school because it was a great start to my week. There wasn’t really much to do today at school but I did manage to run through my closing statement about 3 times in study hall. Unfortunately, my mock trial team’s practice was cancelled today and we all have crazy busy schedules so it looks like we probably won’t have a chance to meet all together before this Wednesday’s competition. This competition is highly important because my “influential teacher” will be there along with the attorney that helps our team out and it is the last competition that will determine our seating for the tournament - wish us luck! 

    Anyways, for once in my life, I came home and immediately began working on and finished my homework. I am now chilling out, eating Mac n cheese, watching Criminal Minds on Netflix, and writing to you! A little secret if you like spicy stuff or feel that Mac n cheese is a little flavorless, add some pepper jack cheese - sooo good!! There isn’t really much else to say about my day today. I’m now just waiting to go to practice, hopefully all goes beyond well to prepare us for competition this weekend. Over 14 guards competing and they are some good guards! Well, I’ll let you know how it goes later when I get back, see ya then!

Well, I just got into bed after coming home from guard, eating dinner, spending some time with my mom, and taking a shower. I’m so grateful that my boyfriend is willing to drive me home often and that it gives me time to see him each day, he really is the greatest guy you could ask for. Our anniversary is coming up and I’m so excited to celebrate two years together! And to celebrate many more to come! It will be diffuse because he wants to go into I to the military, but I believe in him and support him and will do everything I can to be there for him - because he deserves it. He deserves it all. I really do love him!

Anyways, guard practice went great! It was a pretty laid back day considering we changed the entire ending of the show! I don’t mind it though, it needed some TLC, especially in preparation for this weekend. I like this ending a lot more because it is less chaotic, but we will see how it ends up being. At this point, I’m pretty tired and need my energy for practice tomorrow and to be as productive as I was today. With that being said, I wish you all a good night (or good morning or good day)!

P.S. I got some great news today!! My best friend Emily, who’s blog you definitely need to check out, was given tickets to a Micheal Bublé concert on his last ever tour! She invited me to come along and I am so grateful for the opportunity, so of course I said yes! I can’t wait to rock out to some classical music with basically my sister in a few months! Until then, see ya!

[thevalerierenee]

Chill, Chilly, & Chili

[02/08-10/19]

Friday - Sunday

These last few days have been brief and busy so I thought it would be best to give you an overview of each day in a single post. Friday through Sunday are described as...chill, chilly, and chili; Here’s why:

[02/08/19]

Friday

      Friday started out with me trying to have a good day, but of course there were obstacles. My shirt wasn’t clean, I ran a tad bit late, and my mood changed throughout the day like a flip of a switch. My first few classes of the day were pretty productive but Spanish is where I lost my focus for the day. We were discussing different service animals for our presentation next week, and I chose delfines militares - military dolphins. They are used for detecting underwater mines and divers, pretty interesting! I chose them after passing a garage-style classroom with a box-like tank and chairs in rows in front of it on my way to class. It turns out that the welding class had a guest that day who showed them underwater welding - an especially dangerous job. You never know what you’ll stumble upon at my school. 

      Anyways, my group in Constitutional Law agreed on what we needed to get done by Monday and then allowed each other to just chill (hence chill), watch Netflix, etc. for the rest of the period - god bless those who understand the unproductively of Fridays. Now that I think about it, it seem like I am in a group for nearly ever class. In my seminar class, my group mates began to get on my nerves a bit. They were off-task and disagreed with everything as if they were not listening in the first place. Although, they are still highly intelligent and want the best grade for our group so we will see what happens. My last classes I zoned out in because there was nothing highly important there either.

      After school, my best friend Emily and I hung out. It was freezing outside (hence chilly), but we managed to take some BEAUTIFUL pictures during our mini photoshoot in the woods together. I think she might share some soon on her blog, so go check them out!! She has worked really hard and deserves some credit for her kick ass skills and accomplishments! Other than that, we met up with my boyfriend along with his friend and his girlfriend at McDonald’s. It was actually pretty fun as we all chatted. I discovered that I’m not insane for how I act towards my boyfriend, which was nice to hear, haha! Also, Emily and I really got on quick with our friend’s girlfriend. It was sooo nice not to have any girl drama for once! I can’t stand drama and pettiness (more on that sometime later...). We decided going to our friend’s house to check out and pet his horses but it was too late and dark out so we left his house and went to my boyfriend’s house for a bit. We played with his dogs and chatted a bit but by that time, I needed to head home. 

      At that point, I was so exhausted from the day that I couldn’t churn out this post and instead did a short voice recording so I had a fresh recap of my day for you! I think it really helped and it definitely helps me to flush out each day out of my head and onto somewhere else. It’s especially fun that I not only get to flush it out, but I also get to share it with you! Shortly after voice recording, I fell asleep and was knocked out for the night. 

[02/09/19] Saturday

This is a pretty easy day to cover, haha! I woke up around 7am and headed to guard practice around 8:30. We had a camp day until 5pm, which was a blessing because it was originally until 6pm but they cut it short because we worked hard. Clearly, hard work does pay off. And what I have also learned is that an hour is a LOOONG time. 15 minutes is also a LOOOONG time. School and guard have taught me that. 

      Practice went well, we all had tons of energy until the main director showed up then we all got a little tense and at that point we were all exhausted anyways after our 4 hours of pushing hard. After practice I pretty much came home, showered, and watched Netflix until I ate dinner (I had chili - it’s all making sense now isn’t it!!) then went to sleep. Like I said, a brief but busy weekend. 

[02/10/19]

Sunday

      Honestly, I am incredibly proud of myself right now. I finished up all my homework, with generous effort, and I studied - which is something I NEVER do. I think it is safe to say that today was a well-needed catch up day, but I spent a long time doing these things because I also chatted with Emily the entire time, which you really need to check out her blog, like seriously. So now I can go to bed feeling accomplished and ready for tomorrow. But first, I just remembered, I need to go over my questioning and closing statement for Mock Trial before I fall asleep. Wish me luck with that, haha!

      And now, here I am, finishing up my blog post for you and really excited to start watching a new Netflix show called Paradise PD. I’m hoping it will be a comedy cartoon that incorporates policing as well as I want it too. I’ve now turned on some Micheal Bublé “Cry Me a River” because it leaves me feeling empowered and badass. I wish the same for you, go take a listen and I’ll catch you tomorrow!

[thevalerierenee]

Good Day, Guard Day

[02/07/19] 

Thursday

I never know what to write about. So, I decided that for the beginning of my *newest* blog, that I will simply write journals about my day and see where it leads me. Just *something* that will get me to write and maybe along the way I will find what I like to write most about and which voice best suits me. But the. hardest part is always starting. So here goes nothing...

      Today, I woke up wanting to have a good day. I felt like dressing nice for school and getting stuff done - as in not procrastinating. This probably had something to do with the 12 hours of sleep I got, which NEVER happens. I fell asleep last night around 6pm because it was my day off from all sports and activities so I used it as a day to catch up on sleep. I didn’t wake up until around 6am to get ready for school, not counting when I woke up at 2am and scrolled on my phone for a bit before going back to sleep. Let me tell you , this rest was DESPERATELY needed, and may I add, EARNED. 

      For those of you that don’t know, in fact none of you likely know, I am a part of my school’s Color/Winter Guard. This is my second season and from what I’ve learned thus far, guard is NO joke. In fact, I have practice in about an hour and I just wanted to begin typing before my mood changes from practice haha. Guard takes up about 4 days out of each week but many more days if you include the days where I feel lazy and in the mood to do nothing because of practice the night before! But, boy is it all worth it (sometimes)!! I love that feeling I get when performing and hearing the crowd cheer, I love learning to tricks and tosses, and riding the bus with my teammates. But I often question if those moments are worth it. Are they worth the bruised knees and feet, the constant criticism and frustration, the stressful new choreography and costumes. It is something that I constantly battle with. I barely did winter guard after doing fall color guard, but the thought of not being a part of something, of not working hard towards something you can see the product of, tore me apart. I knew that if I did not do an activity that takes up my time, then I would end up sitting in my room falling into depression again. So, I guess it’s ironically a choice between depression and stress haha. Clearly, I chose stress. But it makes me feel better to be stressed because it gives me value and a feeling of importance. So it’s all okay in the end. But rn I’m struggling with wanting to do it next season or not. I’ll go more into that in another post. ***SELF-REMINDER HERE***

      You’ll see I go off on tangents a lot, but don’t we all? Anyways, today went well considering I finished my Con. Law paper during my first period study hall, got a chance to re-do my algebra work, and am finally in a great spot with my group in Seminar. I feel like I am on the right track in my school work, but one slip and I will be off track again. I haven’t even mentioned my mock trial responsibilities and performance next week that my “influential” teacher is coming to watch. Again, more on that later... :) 

...

I just got back from my 4hr guard practice and it was definitely... different. Our team had to go around the school to look for one of our members because she ran out of the gym with an anxiety attack - which I COMPLETELY understand. You honestly never know what someone is going through or how they handle things. Afterwards, we did a few a stand still and a run-through and I ended practice barely being able to breathe. But then we went to watch Winter Percussion which was fun, they are SO good this year!! I’m so proud of us all. With that being said, I am going to leave today’s post at that because after getting home, I’ve basically been a ball of stress about my boyfriend wanting to go into the military, the homework I have for this weekend, and my competitions coming up. Thus, I haven’t been doing much else besides working hard, FaceTiming, and writing today’s post. 

      Let me know what else you guys would like to know about! I’ll be back here tomorrow, see ya!

[thevalerierenee]

do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself do it for yourself

[thevalerierenee]

Music Player Tab #03 by glenthemes

A slide-up music list on hover that sits at the bottom left of your screen. Serves as an alternative option to players like Billy, SCMPlayer, Wikplayer, etc.

► Preview + Codes + Customization

[thevalerierenee]

taking a bite out of warm, freshly baked bread? thats what love is

[thevalerierenee]

When people are too much...

Sometimes, I love people. Other times, they are the worst. I can’t put up with other people’s attitudes, irresponsibility, and rudeness at times. And then it just becomes too much and the depression takes over. Hopefully that isn’t this time

[thevalerierenee]

Ten ways to say “I love you”

Straightforward. Soft and heavy, like morning before the coffee’s started brewing. Like that’s all there is to say.

Through laughter, over a chorus of voices, knowing it’ll strike home anyway. It’s meant for everyone here, after all.

Slipped under your tongue, twisted into something else. “I trust you,” maybe. Trust them to figure it out.

Instead of “thank you” or “see you soon” or “drive safe.” Because no matter what you say it’ll mean the same thing.

Casually, as if you don’t mean it. Trying like hell not to mean it.

Wrapped up in a question. How’s your day been, have you eaten, you know you can tell me anything, right? You know you can tell them anything. Right?

Under your breath while the whole house sleeps, just before you have to leave for the day. More for yourself than for them.

With a hand on their shoulder, a song on your lips, or a carton of their favorite ice cream in the freezer.

Over a nervous smile, biting back the just-this-side-of-desperate hope they’ll say it back.

With a soft sigh. Past exhaustion and frustration and despair, like it’s the only good thing left. Sometimes it is.