thevanguard

[thevanguard]

The Immortal

Ya know, when the mafia stuck me in an oil drum and filled with concrete before rolling us into the sea i thought I was done for. Wasn’t until about half an hour later I realised I’m probably immortal.

Concrete deteriorates slow. Dijya know that? Takes a long damn to begin breaking down then even damn longer for it to all be worn away. But when you get out of it the stretch is better than sex. There’s no satisfaction like popping every joint in your body as your muscles groan to life after a century and a bit-long wait. This whole future business ain’t so bad either. Sure everyone I know is dead, I got nothing, I hardly speak the language and the cows are gone but aside from that everything is chill. You get a lot of time to prep for these sorts of things when you’re trapped with nothing to do for a very, very, very long time.

It’s good to be a glass half-full sorta guy. At least I didn’t get out in 2046 or 2110. Nah, 2168 is my kinda year. We got robots, holograms and all sortsa alien booze. So much booze. Actually I think I’ll have some more now. Oi Barten, another onea these!

What’s wit the look Johnny ya think I’m lying? Ya think I’m fulla shit just cause I’m drunk? Well I’m not. I’m a highlander and you’re not. Fuck you if you think I’m a liar, and fuck you if you think I’m -

*ZAP*

…what parta fucking highlander didn’t ya get?

[thevanguard]

[thevanguard]

Chat Noir-kin.

I feel a cosplay coming on...

bill cipher

i havent watched beyond season 1 of GF but hes a dick right?

[thevanguard]

My Hedgehog

DISCLAMER: This was written as a really bad joke between myself and @squishyspaceflower in our attempt at the fanfic game. Do not take anything I’ve written seriously:

Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have short blue prickles and pure black eyes like the empty abyss of death. I used to be a vampire witch but my spell went wrong and now I’m in this body with a weird fast guy in my hot goffik bod.

I should be wearing a black corset with lace all over it and a black silk miniskirt, purple fishnets and black stilettos. But instead I’m stuck in this icky animal body with just red sneakers.

“Hey! What gives?!?!?!” My voice said. But it wasn’t my voice that said it, it was the gross talking animal in my body. He probably didn’t even know what magic is until now.

“Fuck off prep. my magic changed our bodies, I wass gonna do it to draco but you got in the fucking way.” I said defeyantly.

“That’s outta sight. How long until we change back?” It said.

The annoying elevator music played over our silence, like blood over snow. “I fucking hate this song” I said. I went for my wand but couldn’t because it was on me. “I agree. Only preps like this shit” The me that wasn’t me said, my hair flowing over my shoulders. Lucky bitch.

“What’s your name?” I said “Sanic. I’m in love you” Sonic said.

The elevayter dinged as he said it. I heard a laugh come from outside. It was………………………………… Vlodymort and Eggman!

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(AN: My cards were: ‘Ebony’, ‘Sonic’, ‘Body Swap’ and ‘Elevator’. You can check out the counterpart story here)

[thevanguard]

A mini-documentary I made a while again, I hope you can get a laugh out of it.

[thevanguard]

Aw, who’s the cutest little void of dark, hollow emptiness?

 You are. Yes you are ~

“I’m invisible.” [video]

[thevanguard]

1986 was a good time. A peaceful time. A quiet time. A time when we didn’t know. Then rolled in Rick with his 1987 hit single ‘Never Gonna Give You Up’. Suddenly the world was never silent. At first we thought the phenomenon was an audio failing at a white house press-conference, every time a representative opened their mouth it began to play. But we quickly learned the truth was far greater and far worse than we could imagine. Billions of lives were ruined over the coming week, every slight misrepresentation of truth was called out by Astley. Nations fell apart as the corruption of their systems became obvious to all who could hear.

But it got worse. A month into the tragedy it became common knowledge that it wasn’t limited to what an individual perceived as truth or lie, but instead what was omnisciently known as fact or fiction. Suddenly silence became equally as terrifying as the opening riff when people began making existential statements in a crude attempt to find hope. “Life is pointless” “Humanity will crumble into nothing soon” “This torment will never end” “I’m better off dead” None of these were met with music, only silent despair.

Years passed, then decades. Humanity dwindled and was extinguished. In the depth of his depression, the last man on earth made a final statement. “There is no god.” The tune began to play. There was a god. A god who took delight in seeing the destruction of man. A god who laughed with each despair-driven death. A god who was never gonna give you up.

au when every time someone lies, the rick roll song plays

[thevanguard]

Introductions

umm, hi.

So I’m TheVanguard but you can call me TV or whatever if you want. I write and make videos and do what some may call playing too many games (I call it study) and I would like to start spotlighting my creations here sooner rather than later, so expect life stories, random pieces of ‘comedy’ (or cringe depending on how you look at it) and possibly bigger projects if I can ever work up motivation to finish anything.

I don’t bite unless you like that sorta thing so feel free to drop me a line any time and I’ll happily chat away with you until you get sick of me and the very irritating stream of consciousness writing style I have that ends with sentences having either lots of punctuation or none at all like this one.

So yeah, i think thats it for now and I suck at endings. Toodles.