thevioletlibrary

[thevioletlibrary]

I'm changing this blog I have decided so if I delete like 90% of my posts and change the whole design out of nowhere you know why

I could just make a new account but I already have like two other Tumblr accounts with different emails that I've already logged out of and frankly I don't want to have to write a new login down and I hardly use this blog for anything productive anyway so it will be The Violet Library stay tuned

[thevioletlibrary]

Down Time

MORE ARCANE FANFICTION I'M NOT SORRY it's CaitVi Hurt/Comfort this time tehehe enjoy

Word Count: 2703

Summary: Vi has a couple of hours to herself, and spirals when she realizes she has nothing to do. Caitlyn comforts her, and shows her something in the Kiramman mansion that brings up an old love.

CWs: Described panic attack, discussions of war-related PTSD, mentions of death, mentions of class imbalance, swearing

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No matter how long she spent there, Vi was certain that she would never get used to the overwhelming size of the Kiramman mansion. Even if Caitlyn had said it was more modest compared to some of the other councillor’s families, she in no way believed her. The place felt sprawling, endless hallways of rooms that had taken her weeks not to get lost in. Even now, despite living there, she still found herself getting turned around.

She’d found herself with a couple hours to spare while Caitlyn was busy, and immediately she was overcome with a deep-rooted anxiety.

“You sure there’s nothing I can help you with, cupcake?” She asked, hovering in the doorway to her girlfriend’s office. Caitlyn was staring at a machine that Vi knew held all of her mother’s decades of research, and she shook her head, clearly already in intense focus.

“Just give me a few hours, and I’ll be all yours. I just have a problem that I’m trying to work out.” She was chewing on her bottom lip, and sounded slightly dismissive in a way that made Vi know that the conversation was over. It wasn’t a personal attack, it was just the way she always got when she was trying to focus. 

“Right. Okay. Cool. No worries. I’ll see you in a few hours then.” She peeled herself away from the doorway slowly, allowing the office door to swing shut behind her and trying to keep herself from being stressed out.

It wasn’t like she was trying to be clingy. Caitlyn was allowed to do things without her; hell, it was healthy for them to do things without each other. But she still felt her breath quicken as she made her way down the hall, walking aimlessly in the opposite direction of the office.

She’d been in situations that would have been the stuff of nightmares for her teenage self. She’d fought monsters, and fought people worse than monsters. She truly had very little left to be afraid of.

So why did the idea of having free time scare the shit out of her?

She had genuinely nothing that she needed to do. And while her normal recourses would be to drink or to train, she’d sworn off alcohol after her weeks in the pit, and she’d just done a pretty intense full-body workout that morning. Not having to be a walking weapon anymore meant she had to learn how to pace herself. How to think a week ahead, not just a day.

She was struggling to grasp the concept.

Having downtime wasn’t something she had been used to, in recent years. Definitely not since Vander died, but probably a bit before that. She’d been itching to fight from the moment she was old enough to comprehend the hand that the undercity had been dealt.

So she made sure that she could. She honed her skills in every spare moment she had. She got in street fights to practice, she went running to improve her stamina in case they needed to escape. She was watching her family, or she was training. Those were her only goals. For years.

And then she got thrown into Stillwater, and all of the sudden she was in survival mode.

She was almost certain that she’d never left.

Her breath was coming quicker now, and she mentally berated herself for being so ridiculous. She was perfectly safe. She had nothing to be afraid of here.

Yet her body was reading signs of panic anyway, on the edges of her mind and threatening to overwhelm her system. Her hands had begun to shake, and she couldn’t help but sink to the ground in the hallway, back pressed to the wall. She felt dysfunctional and childish; she shouldn’t have to rely on her girlfriend to give her tasks. What happened to having hobbies? She was certain that she’d had hobbies once, hadn’t she? Things that she wanted to accomplish with her time, before it had all been overcome with war?

She pressed the heels of her hands into her eyes, trying to calm herself down. She didn’t even know what she was freaking out about, truly. Was she honestly that upset about not having anything to do? She could go take a nap, for fuck’s sake. This wasn’t that big of a deal.

But her brain wouldn’t listen to any of that, not once the panic attack had started. All she could do was sit on the floor and unravel while she waited for her mind to get its bearings. She only hoped that nobody would —

“Vi? What’s wrong?”

Fuck.

She moved her hands away from her eyes and saw a very concerned looking Caitlyn Kiramman at the end of the hall. Caitlyn rushed over to her side instantly, clearly scanning her body for physical injury as Vi was overcome with an undue feeling of embarrassment.

Of course she’d find her like this. Of course.

“Did something happen? Are you okay?” She seemed to have concluded that there were no external signs of damage, and Vi just shook her head slightly as she attempted to breath well enough to speak.

She held up a finger signaling for Caitlyn to wait a second, and she gave her the space she needed, watching in concern as Vi forced air in and out of her lungs. After a moment, Caitlyn joined her, sitting up against the wall next to her girlfriend and taking in calming breaths.

Vi had no idea how long they sat there like that. How long it took for the fog in her mind to clear and for her thoughts to unscramble themselves. Only that when they did, she was overcome with the urge to cry.

Caitlyn seemed to notice that she’d calmed down, because she turned to her again, lightly placing a hand on her leg to get her attention. Vi flinched a bit, refusing to look at her for a second before Caitlyn spoke.

“Did I do something wrong?” She asked, and Vi’s heart broke at the concern in her voice. She turned to her instantly, shaking her head.

“No, no, it wasn’t anything you did. I just… got overwhelmed. For a minute.” It was a bullshit explanation, and they both knew it. But Caitlyn just gently wrapped an arm around her girlfriend, allowing Vi to fall into her embrace.

She didn’t want to cry, but she couldn’t help it. Her body relaxed instantly, tears running down her cheeks as she let her head rest on Caitlyn’s shoulder.

“I don’t think… I don’t think I know how to be a person anymore,” She said, struggling to get the words out, voice choked with emotion. She had a hard time crying around other people, but that had long since gone out the window with Caitlyn. At this point, they’d both seen each other cry enough that they were well aware of what the other one needed.

And Vi just needed to get it out of her system. She pulled herself back together pretty quickly as Caitlyn gently ran her fingers through her cropped hair, but she still didn’t move from her girlfriend’s arms even after the tears had stopped. She just sniffled, feeling suddenly exhausted.

“What do you mean, you ‘don’t know how to be a person’?” Caitlyn asked once her crying had slowed. Vi just sighed, shaking her head.

“I don’t know. I’m being ridiculous.”

“Hey,” Caitlyn said, tilting Vi’s chin up so she was looking her in the eye. “If it’s impacting you, it’s not ridiculous.”

She nodded, taking a deep breath before speaking again. “I’m pretty sure I haven’t had free time since before Vander died. Before… all of this. I don’t know what to do with myself now.”

“Oh, darling…” She was clearly thinking hard for a second, nodding to both herself and Vi. “I had a similar experience after my mom died. Everything in my mind was war, and anything that wasn’t didn’t feel like it had any place at all.”

“Exactly. And now that it doesn’t all have to be war… it’s like I don’t know how to be a regular functioning adult anymore.”

She felt Caitlyn’s arms tighten around her, and both women sat there in silence for a second, thoughts racing. Finally, Caitlyn spoke again.

“Well, what did you like to do? Before, I mean.”

Vi laughed a bit. “Hell, Cait, I was like ten. I don’t even know if I remember.”

Caitlyn laughed as well, before shaking her head. “Okay, then what did you wish you could do when you were a kid? Like, when you had free time, what did you want to do?”

“I mean, I’ve always genuinely loved boxing…”

“But aside from that. I know you love boxing and that’s great, but that’s also a survival tactic. What sounded like it would be fun to do, if you were able?”

She thought about it for a minute before her mind was drawn back to the job they’d done that started all of this. When she broke into Jayce’s lab, and the first thing she’d run to was the bookshelves lining the wall.

“I’ve always wanted to get more into reading. We didn’t have a ton of access to paper books in the undercity, but I remember when I was little devouring whatever my parents could get their hands on.”

She looked over at Caitlyn to see her grinning, a slightly mischievous smile that made Vi’s stomach flip. “Well in that case, I have something you’re going to be very excited to see.” She unwrapped her arms from around Vi’s frame, before asking, “Can you stand?”

“Yeah, I’m all good now.”

She rose to her feet, holding her hand out to help her girlfriend up and remembering the first time they were in this position. On the streets of Zaun, right after Vi had been stabbed. The first of many times that she had called her “cupcake.”

That felt like a thousand years ago now.

Still, she shook off her reverie as she felt Vi’s hand firmly in her’s, pulling her to her feet and quickly taking off in a brisk walk down the hall. Vi jogged a little to catch up, watching Caitlyn with a wary enthusiasm.

“Cait, where are we going?” She asked. Caitlyn just grinned again.

“You’ll see!”

They turned the corner to a hallway that Vi had never seen before, and were soon standing in front of a pair of double doors. Caitlyn was practically bouncing on her feet now, and she looked over at Vi excitedly.

“Are you ready?” She asked. Vi just raised an eyebrow at her, trying to act concerned even as a small involuntary smile flickered over her face.

“I think so?” She replied, the answer taking the form of another question. If Caitlyn noticed though, she didn’t care, just throwing open the doors in front of them to reveal the most beautiful room Vi had ever set eyes on in her life.

Just when she thought that Kiramman mansion couldn’t get any nicer, all the air left her lungs as she walked through the doorway and into an ornate library. Floor-to-ceiling shelves filled with books lined the walls, and she wondered to herself how anybody could possibly read all of these in their lifetime.

And her second thought was of how badly she wanted to try.

She didn’t say any of this to Caitlyn though, of course. Instead, she just smacked her arm and said, “You fucking people have way too much money.”

“Hey, don’t look at me! I didn’t build the house.” She put her hands up in defense, even though it was clear that Vi’s tone was lighthearted. She still wasn’t really sure if she was truly upset or not when she marveled at Piltover’s wealth. There was a strange sense of guilt that ate at Caitlyn every time she mentioned it, despite the fact that these were simply positions they were both born into.

“How…” She was snapped out of her thoughts by Vi’s breathless exhalation, the two of them having now moved into the middle of the room so that her gaze could trace every single shelf. “How many are there?”

“Oh god, I have no idea. A lot. Some of them are my parents’, but a lot of them belonged to my grandfather as well. He was quite the collector.”

“But they all belong to your family?” Vi asked, hardly able to believe it. Caitlyn just nodded. She had never viewed the library as mundane, but she was relishing in seeing it through new eyes. Recognizing just how beautiful it truly was.

“And you can read every single one of them, if you want to,” Caitlyn said, and Vi’s gaze snapped to hers. She was grinning like an idiot now, and it made Caitlyn’s heart melt.

“I cannot believe I’ve been here for two weeks now and you haven’t shown me this yet,” She remarked, her tone carrying a joking accusation. Caitlyn just laughed.

“I didn’t know you were passionate about reading! And also, in my defense, we were both a little bit preoccupied.” The cleanup and restoration efforts after the fight with Viktor and The Arcane had been immense, and were nowhere near done yet. This was just the first time that either of them had had even an hour of downtime.

Vi just laughed, though her expression turned a bit more solemn with the reminder of everything that had happened over the past few weeks. Still, the shine in them wasn’t dimmed as she looked at the room around her. “So… you’re sure you don’t need help with anything?”

Caitlyn laughed too, and she shook her head. “Nope. Nothing. I’ve got it all taken care of, and you’re welcome to spend as much time in here as you want.”

Vi grinned, pulling her girlfriend in for a kiss. When they broke away, both of them were smiling. “Thank you so much.”

“Of course. I’m just glad that I could help.”

“You always help,” Vi said, a sincerity in her voice that made Caitlyn’s eyes water.

“I love you,” She said, pulling her in for another kiss before Vi could get a word out. She laughed when they broke apart again.

“I love you too, cupcake.”

Caitlyn took her leave from the library after that, leaving Vi to stand there marveling at her family’s collection. For a moment, she wasn’t even sure where to start. The shelves didn’t appear to be labeled in any particular organization system, and none of the titles sounded very familiar.

Until her eyes caught on a book that dragged up a memory she had completely forgotten that she even had.

“Holy shit,” She exclaimed under her breath, pulling it out and assessing the cover. It was in significantly better condition than the copy that she’d had as a kid, but the memory was vivid all the same. She opened it up, thumbing through the pages as scenes came rushing back to her.

Her ninth birthday, when her parents had given her a small package. It was her favorite gift she had ever been given. She read the entire thing that night, and then the next day she read it again, and again, sitting curled up in a corner booth at The Last Drop as she devoured the pages until they were practically falling apart. She’d lost it at some point in the move from her parents’ house to Vander’s after they were killed, and the loss devastated her.

And now she had it in her hands again.

It was a children’s book. It wasn’t like it was the peak of literature. With all the books in this library, she could surely find a better one. But at that moment, there was nothing she wanted to read more.

 She held it tightly in her hands like it would slip away again, moving over to one of the armchairs in the corner of the room. Surrounded by books, nestled into a safe spot in the Kiramman mansion, she allowed herself to relax for what felt like the first time in years. She opened the cover.

And she felt the warmth of home.

[thevioletlibrary]

YES OMG i’ve done that with these characters i was talking about like i really didn’t think Jade was anything like me and then i wrote one line and audibly said “oh shit” LMAO

crazy how the two characters I designed specifically to NOT be like me ended up being more like me than anybody else I have ever created oops

[thevioletlibrary]

YES SO REAL OMFG I'm glad this is at least a somewhat shared experience we really are out here

sometimes I don't think I'm actually good at writing, I think I'm just good at making specific scenes but having absolutely NO clue how to write the parts that connect them

[thevioletlibrary]

me 🤝🏻 writing characters who are blindly devout and yet all they get is suffering

[thevioletlibrary]

‘I Wish I Could Feel Your Warmth For The Last Time’

2024

mixed media on paper

14.8x21cm

[thevioletlibrary]

Original Poem — "Starlight"

I'm not dating this girl anymore but I did write this poem about my first ever girlfriend which was sweet and fun (at the time)

Starlight

I do not know how to put you into words

I haven’t figured them out yet

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This is the first time this has happened to me

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I have never been wanted the way that I want before

It is terrifyingly sweet

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This is the first time this has happened to me

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You smile my way and my heart melts

You call me perfect so often I start to believe you might actually think it

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This is the first time this has happened to me

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I’ve never been one to hesitate in the fall

But I’ve also never been caught before

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This is the first time this has happened —

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I try to whisper you my fear between kisses

I so am afraid of ruining this

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This is the first time this has —

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I’m not sure what it’s supposed to look like

You and I

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This is the first time —

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But you remind me that we can figure that out together

Hand in hand under the cover of stars

[thevioletlibrary]

Original Poem — "A Ghost On The Staircase"

I saw my childhood pastor's wife for the first time in almost a decade like four months ago and I'm still not over it so here's a poem I wrote right after that day

A Ghost On The Staircase

I hear the soundtrack to a life never lived.

The achingly delicious call of melancholy burning my stomach.

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You walk up the stairs and I am certain that I have seen a ghost.

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My mother is crying.

I am going to be sick.

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I missed you. That was a stone left unturned.

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Now the sound of long-dead laughter rattles my bones, and my hands are shaking and my stomach turns and

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I remember.

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You are not to blame for the loss I feel.

Nor is your daughter, or your husband, or the world you showed me.

-

It confounds logic but I feel it anyway. My body is trembling and I feel it anyway.

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I missed you.

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I am going to be sick.

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Once again, I hate the way Tumblr makes me format poetry but here we are I guess because I do really love this one.

[thevioletlibrary]

How tf do you navigating leaving (or getting excommunicated from) the church if it’s everything and everyone you’ve ever known

there is a very big, very wide, very deep world out there and you will certainly come to know many other things , i promise

[thevioletlibrary]

Original Poem — "Swearing In"

Here's one I really love that I wrote for my final project in my Media Studies and Culture class I have like five hours of research that I did to back up every single line in this poem it's all connected to various media theories

Swearing In

Words on the walls

On your hands

Dirt-stained skin unraveling

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Darkness on the tip of your tongue

Mirroring the bile pouring from theirs

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Surface level has never been deep enough

Still it is where we operate

Ignoring the beating beneath the floor

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Manipulation can come in many forms

In many faces, in many buildings

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Arching cathedrals and sterile city halls

Rooms filled with suits and the same dark bile

Etchings mouthed behind teleprompters

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There is a careful construction to power

You can see it now, as the light of the TV bounces off your eyes

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Hidden beneath a transparent veil

A snow globe encased in ideology

Filtered, sanitized, unattainable

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Still the words tell you it isn’t

Stories of hope and hunger circling your screens

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How to tell what is real and what is them

Water soaked with lead rushing through our ears

A world built for few on the backs of many

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You know that meaning is manufactured

That art is dead and the internet will follow it

A cold grave dug by tradition and filled with gold

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And yet.

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The aura is alive

You feel it in the warmth of every smile

In chatter at coffee shops and art museums

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We rip our humanity from the jaws of machines

White-knuckle grip on the one thing they cannot sell

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Their money runs with blood

And it has stained our hands as well

A system that nullifies saints

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If everything is a lie

Than the truth is stuck in translation

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Between the lines of ignorance and performance

In speaking and listening and understanding

In something adjacent to nothing

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Our consumption is manipulated beyond our comprehension

The constitution of our soil is a cage

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And yet.

[thevioletlibrary]

I swear there is no better high than writing; even just frantically outlining a novel concept that I feel really excited about has left me with a lasting like "omg I am a genius I am such a good writer the best to ever do it" even though I know full well that once this honeymoon period wears off I'm obviously going to have frustrations/writer's block like we all do, but like for now AHAHAHA I AM GOD

[thevioletlibrary]

you know what i think is underrated about reading? that moment after you finish a book where, for a little bit, your internal monologue is in the author’s writing style

maybe this is just me being a writer but i think it’s so cool the way our brains can adapt our style of thinking to mimic what we were reading it’s neat

[thevioletlibrary]

Just for fun...

Here's the first page (as it stands right now) of my book about fallen angels and gay pirates please enjoy:

The sun was not shining on the day that I fell from grace.

Surprisingly, the physical pain racking my body momentarily outweighed my mental turmoil as I crashed to the ground. A scream ripped from my mouth as I felt the earth give way around me, barely able to see through my tears. They burned down my cheeks, though I was more concerned with the blood running down my back.

It was only once I rose from the ground that I realized it was raining. I felt it hit my skin and suddenly there was blood, in my mouth and my ears and welling up in my eyes and tinting the world gold. I leaned over and wretched, but it did nothing to stop the bleeding, pouring from my lips and filling my lungs and leaking from every pore in my body, as though I was sweating out the very thing that sustained me. I looked down at the ground and the earth below me was scorched, a fiery impact crater that looked as though it came from another world.

I tried to pray, but I could not get the words out around the ichor and bile that poured from my lips, reality becoming blurry around me. The tears had scarred my cheeks now, long lines that prompted me to try and force myself to stop, as if that would’ve ever been possible. But nothing hurt more than the moment I became conscious of my back.

I could feel the pain, of course, from the gashes and the blood. But it was the absence of something that truly wrecked me.

There was no weight there.

My wings.

Any hope of stopping the tears pouring down my face was lost when I remembered. Another anguished scream echoed around me as I sobbed openly into the rain, the sound seemingly the only thing in the silence as wildlife fled the scene. It was just me, the rain, and my cries as I suddenly felt the full force of the physical and emotional turmoil I had been dealt.

[thevioletlibrary]

LET'S MEET THE BABIES

I wanted to make a list of all my current works-in-progress that are in book form (not poems, I don't currently have any collections I'm working on even though I have a ton of poems lmao) for easy reference.

This is including updated word counts, summaries, genre, time spent working on, a link to the Pinterest board I made for it if it has one, and a link to the Spotify playlist I made for it if it has one (because I think that's important about books).

The ones that don't have titles are in quotation marks, but the ones that are currently titled are in italics.

Memories

Word Count: CURRENTLY UNKNOWN this book is split up amongst like three documents right now due to rewrites

Genre: New Adult Fantasy

Summary: Strategic amnesia, betrayal, royalty, long horse rides, and lesbians. A princess takes the throne after her parents untimely deaths, and then shit hits the fan. These characters are my children and they all need a hug and a shock blanket.

Time Spent: ~Five years, give or take

Pinterest Board

Spotify Playlist: I have far too many playlists to put just one for this, so I'll just link my overarching fantasy playlist

"The cult and stuff"

Word Count: 47,890

Genre: Young Adult Realistic Fantasy

Summary: My attempt at writing YA that involves me constantly having to remind myself I can’t use swear words, even though these teenagers absolutely would because they’re fighting against the murderous witch-hunting cult that one of them was raised in. Also kids who need a hug and a shock blanket they deserve so much better.

Time Spent: About a year

Pinterest Board

Spotify Playlist

7:1

Word Count: CURRENTLY UNKNOWN split up in a bunch of docs

Genre: Thriller

Summary: It starts raining and doesn't stop, and a small town in the Deep South decides to absolutely go insane and start killing people about it. Christian-based cult behavior, and a descent into madness that engulfs an entire population. Plus a largely queer cast and plenty of religious imagery we love to see it.

Time Spent: Literally like three months

Pinterest Board

Spotify Playlist

Songs for my Sophomore Self

Word Count: 17,287

Genre: Creative Non-Fiction/Memoir

Summary: Letters to my past self told through the lens of songs that correspond to the subject matter of that letter. It’s about my journey with growing up, realizing I was queer and how that impacted my life. A lot of discussion around religious deconstruction related to Christianity, and the potential unintended side effects of raising children in the church. This is my magnum opus and also will destroy whatever remaining relationships I have with my family, but hey it’s alright it’s worth it.

Time Spent: A little less than two years

Spotify Playlist

"The fallen angel"

Word Count: 7,722

Genre: New Adult Fantasy

Summary: A not-so-cleverly, not-so-disguised allegory for unpacking my own religious trauma through the form of fallen angel imagery and pirates. Gay pirates and a gay fallen angel trying to force her way back into the fantasy world version of Heaven. Found family and tragic romance and also the ocean.

Time Spent: Just a few months

Pinterest Board

Spotify Playlist