thoughtsfromthevoid

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

i love reading sad books bc when your own grief is stopped up inside you like a clogged drain you can grieve for a character on a page and understand that you're also grieving for yourself a little bit

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

There are a lot of abuse and recovery stories out there in fandom.  A lot of them are written by people who’ve never been in an abusive relationship.  That’s fine, that certainly doesn’t mean you can't write it, especially when it’s present in canon.  Unfortunately, it does mean that a lot of people get it wrong.

The usual abuse narrative you see in fandom is a story about absence.  The lack of safety.  The lack of freedom.  The lack of love, or of hope, or of trust.  They try to characterize the life of an abused kid, or an abused partner, based on what’s missing.  They characterize recovery based on getting things back: finding safety, discovering freedom, and slowly regaining the ability to trust–other people, the security of the world, themselves.

That doesn’t work.  That is not how it works.

Lives cannot be characterized by negative space.  This is a statement about writing.  It’s also a statement about life.

You can’t write about somebody by describing what isn’t there.  Or you can, but you’ll get a strange, inverted, abstracted picture of a life, with none of the right detail.  A silhouette.  The gaps are real but they're not the point.

If you’re writing a story, you need to make it about the things that are there.  Don’t try to tell me about the absence of safety.  Safety is relative.  There are moments of more or less safety all throughout your character’s day.  Absolute safety doesn’t exist in anyone’s life, abusive situation or not.

If you are trying to tell me a story about not feeling safe, then the question you need to be thinking about is, when safety is gone, what grows in the space it left behind?

Don’t try to tell me a story about a life characterized by the lack of safety.  Tell me a story about a life defined by the presence of fear.

What's there in somebody’s life when their safety, their freedom, their hope and trust are all gone?  It’s not just gaps waiting to be filled when everything comes out right in the end.  It’s not just a void.

The absence of safety is the presence of fear.  The absence of freedom is the presence of rules, the constant litany of must do this and don’t do that and a very very complicated kind of math beneath every single decision.  The lack of love feels like self-loathing.  The lack of trust translates as learning skills and strategies and skepticism, how to get what you need because you can’t be sure it’ll be there otherwise.

You don’t draw the lack of hope by telling me how your character rarely dares to dream about having better.  You draw it by telling me all the ways your character is up to their neck in what it takes to survive this life, this now, by telling me all the plans they do have and never once in any of them mentioning the idea of getting out.

This is of major importance when it comes to aftermath stories, too.  Your character isn’t a hollow shell to be filled with trust and affection and security.  Your character is full.  They are brimming over with coping mechanisms and certainties about the world.  They are packed with strategies and quickfire risk-reward assessments, and depending on the person it may look more calculated or more instinctual, but it’s there.  It’s always there.  You’re not filling holes or teaching your teenage/adult character basic facts of life like they’re a child.  You’re taking a human being out of one culture and trying to immerse them in another. People who are abused make choices.  In a world where the ‘wrong’ choice means pain and injury, they make a damn career out of figuring out and trying to make the right choice, again and again and again.  People who are abused have a framework for the world, they are not utterly baffled by everyone else, they make assumptions and fit observations together in a way that corresponds with the world they know.

They’re not little lost children.  They’re not empty.  They’re human beings trying to live in a way that’s as natural for them as life is for anybody, and if you’re going to write abuse/recovery, you need to know that in your bones.

Don’t tell me about gaps.  Tell me about what’s there instead.

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

do you ever think about this quote by mary lambert because i think about it all the time

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Ummmmmm

The best ship dynamic is actually just. "I love you and it terrifies me. I'm terrified how much I need you and how much I want you to need me. I'm terrified I'm no good for you and I'm going to hurt you and ruin you and I'm terrified of how I feel when you're around me but I can't bear to push you away completely because I'm terrified to be without you so now we're stuck in limbo and that's terrifying too. I'm terrified that if I lost you now it'd destroy me and I'm terrified that it's too late to do anything about it. I love you. And it's terrifying."

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

I don’t recognize the girl in the mirror

The girl with a genuine smile

The girl with the sparkle in her eyes

The girl who’s growing up

The girl

And yet I long to be her

The pink streaks in her hair are familiar but as they fade, so do the memories of when we were one

The hair grows longer as I can’t decide what to do with it

Do I deny her identity or the one I’ve created for myself?

Both versions gnaw at me to be let out

I try to keep forgetting who she is, maybe it’s easier that way

Maybe it’s out of habit, maybe it’s because I’m scared, maybe it’s because I’m sick of being objectified the way she was

I try to be the person who changed their name four years ago but she blends back into me more and more

I can’t tell if I’m afraid to let her go or afraid to let her in

I’m trying to find the answers in the bathroom ceiling, in the chipped paint on the walls

Is she in there? Am I in there?

I want to find the answer before people solidify it for me

Change is exhausting

I changed my name and I changed schools

Nobody in this state knows her

Maybe they don’t know me

I don’t think I know her

But she lingers

Was I traumatized out of being her? Is my identity a coping mechanism?

Do I hate my body for being female or do I just hate my body?

Female.

I overuse that word because I’m scared to say I’m a woman

I’m not a woman

I’m a person

A person who wonders if they miss being her

The girl in the mirror looking back at me

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Yeah like I’ve never once liked someone I wasn’t friends with first- I’m just not interested in any relationship, I only want them because of that person.

These apps don’t get it. I want to have a ‘crush’ on someone and that is not possible unless they’re someone already in my life by happenstance and then I get obsessed with them for no reason. You don’t get that with a app because suddenly you’re on a ‘date’ having ‘drinks’. Like no sorry I don’t want to talk to you about my relationship history I want to look at you in a group setting and make up things about you in my head. Ok?

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

thisset

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Useful!!!!

My new mission in life is to impart this wisdom to as many people as possible

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

“how can you be intimate with someone if you’re aromantic??”

sharing secrets, trusting them with your life, telling them about that stupid thing you did when you were 14 and haven’t told anyone else since, being there for them any time day or night, talking til three in the morning, letting yourself cry around them, sharing grief, sharing joy, getting excited about the things they’re excited about just because you love to see them so happy about something

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Websites that help with content filtering and content warning

Can I Play That? - accessibility of video games

Does the dog die? - tracks different content of movies and shows, you can check if a particular one has content you don't want seeing

Trigger warning database - like doesthedogdie, but with books

Unconsenting media - for all media, checks with whether or not there's sexual violence in a certain piece of media

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Sometimes part of recovery is recognizing that you've hurt other people. Maybe it was out of your control. Maybe it wasn't. But sometimes in our flailing and thrashing to survive we cause damage to other people and that has to be accepted and the reasons for it addressed as best we can.

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Things my parents have said and done that terrify me (I have anxiety and depression, ADHD and currently have tics ((Or a Tourettes diagnosis they don't believe in)) from being so anxious all the time)-

-That if I keep coming home late (normally like 5-10ish minutes because traffic) I won't be allowed to go out at all. (I'm not even the one driving, and my friend(s) aren't doing anything to keep me out past that time.)

-"You're only the 357 thousandth teenager to pull the 'I'm down' all the time, its not going to change anything. Drama is drama." (Said because I've been severely depressed lately and not reacting to things like normal.)

-"There was a miscommunication between us (mom and dad) on what you're allowed to do at night." (Had to have me stop for a bit until I got on tic meds, it was very bad. Doctor told us to. I had been doing after school things and been on the meds for 2 weeks at that point)

- "Don't manipulate me into saying yes to things." (Accidentally said friends and I were going through the drive through at wrong restaurant which they wouldn't have said yes to)

-"Don't wake me up if the house is on fire." (Said not to me, but to other parent, out of frustration of being startled awake because they don't sleep well)

-Some more things I won't say on the internet

-Disagreed with my tourettes diagnosis so strongly because they didn't see the tics I referred to happening in the past and since they notice everything, it makes this invalid.

-Also said I don't have tics like others with tourettes and that they don't say random things and is more repeated and that I don't do that when I definitely do, said a wrong definition as well, even after research

-This morning I wasn't apparently allowed to talk when coming into the living room bc it didn't need to be said to them while cooking, not allowed to go in the kitchen at ALL during this time either

-Said every child who doesn't have to do the same amount of chores as me was a spoiled brat or had a ton of siblings when I was struggling with chores and schoolwork for a bit

-Constantly talks negatively about me behind my back to other parent thinking I can't hear when 90% of the time, I can, instead of having a conversation with me about it, its always me being in trouble. Also never sees my improvements and only the failures, it doesn't matter if im working to fix something until it's fixed

-Their autism being used as an excuse constantly as 'it just is this way' and whatever they saying always having to be the truth, even when it isn't. Its not the autism thats the problem, its the constant excuses because of it and toxic mindset and unwillingness to listen. They aren't the only neurodivergant one, I have ADHD. I struggle too. This doesn't seem to matter

-Getting upset when I talk too much and wanting me to be quiet, not wanting to know any of the details when im excited, even when its harmless, the overall frustration of it and wanting me to stop talking so often

-This is normally in effect especially when they are watching stupid (and passable) mindless tv, that I'm constantly triggered by. I constantly have to close my room door to not hear it while doing things like homework, is still always too loud, this is every day after school in the living room, or every weekend. I cant be in that room anymore basically because of it. They get frustrated when asked to pause it quite often, or when I ask for space when doing chores out there, because I hate them looming over me all the time, the TV also makes an unbearable noise for me recently as it is going to die soon of overuse, every time it is on, which stops me from watching basically anything out there or being in the room too long

-Not feeling comfortable enough to practice when parents are home because of looming, coming in while practicing when its not necessary, getting mad when i play things wrong and yelling across the house about it

-my room is my only space, one parent claims entire basement and sometimes I'm not allowed down there at all, even sometimes when I had to sleep down there to feel safe (unrelated issue but still) other parent has living room

-"I dont understand the want/need to go over there." Me asking to go to a friends house after school, everything needed to be done was done, after a really hard day and me feeling trapped in the house. Apparently I need a reason to go and hang out with friends. I do not feel safe going for walks or anything for other known reasons.

-Getting frustrated with my chair placement every concert in orchestra, never proud of me for anything like that either. (Or at least expressed to me) Makes me feel worse and worthless, to the point where I am considering quitting even though I love the instrument, the anxiety and depression now caused by these issues and pressures being put on me over the years is becoming unbearable. Pressure and anxiety lead to me quitting and hating piano after 8 years as well.

I'm really sick of being in trouble for things I can't control, or something I didn't do intentionally. If it was on purpose? Yeah, I get it. If it was something bad? Sure. I never do anything I think is bad, or know I'll get in trouble for. I don't want to be in trouble. I hate it. It makes me feel very afraid. I wish they would trust me more. I know my mental health is bad, but I'm not actively trying to do things wrong, and I do actively try to fix my mistakes. I wish they would really listen when I tell them these things, even be a little more lenient. I wish I was good enough, I really do try. I love my parents so much, they can be so very much amazing, but they can be toxic to me too. Even if the intent isn't there, it still is harmful. It makes me feel mentally unsafe in this household. I don't know whats going to be taken away at any moment. At least I feel that way. I want to move out. I really do.

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

if you’re ever scared you’re not a good person, remember that bad people don’t care about being better 

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Tonight I was able to connect with a friend and her friend and us three all hung out together, it was really fun. Turns out i have a lot in common with this other new friend person. We also all voice chatted together for a while after getting home too and played video games. Then our shared friend left and we vibed for a while, I really feel like this person gets me and is such a sweet and funny, amazing, human being. Hope we can be better friends, and that I didn't do anything too weird to scare her off or something. (I'm always scared of that oops) We might play more games tomorrow. :)

Hopeful for something positive like this. Hope I'm not too strange or too much. Glad I have my friends that I can talk to and be around, be myself.

I hope im good enough.

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

when welcome to night vale said: “Sleep heavily and know that I am here with you. The past is gone, and cannot harm you anymore. And while the future is fast coming for you, it always flinches first, and settles in as the gentle present. This now, this us, we can cope with that. We can do this together you and I.”

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

100 good questions to ask your friends at 4:02 am when you can’t sleep (can also function as an asks list)

Are you bothered by your cosmic insignificance?

Do you mourn for a place or person you’ve never known?

Do you really think there is somebody for everybody?

Do you place any value in gender roles?

Do you have to be related to be family?

Are your platonic relationships just as valuable as romantic or family ones?

Are you in love? Do you want to be?

Do you think you can put love into categories (family, platonic, romantic, etc.) or is it just one general sensation?

Would you be happy with a life without romance? 

Are you always going to be a little in love with somebody?

Would you change your appearance if you could?

Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.?

Do you believe in reincarnation?

Would you want to be reincarnated?

Do you think you’re special, or just another person amongst billions? Can you be both?

Do theoretical ethical debates have any value? Is it important people discuss ethical dilemmas, e.g. the trolley problem?

Did you have imaginary friends? Do you still have them?

Are you religious? Do you think your religion is ‘correct’?

If you aren’t religious, do you wish you were? Why?

Do you want a grand adventure?

Do you have somebody, whether it be a friend or stranger, who you think you could have loved if the circumstances were different?

How long does it take you to fall in love with somebody?Is the sensation of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ better?

Is love about convenience or something more? Can it be about both?

Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality?

How fluid is your concept of gender and sexuality?

What’s the most life-changing choice you’ve made so far?

Are you afraid of growing old?

Would you want to live forever? How about for a billion years, a million, a millennium, a century?

Do you believe in some form of god/s?

Are your choices fated or of your own free will?

Do you have a hunch about how you’re going to die?

Do you believe in star signs?

How old do you have to be to be considered an adult?

Was your childhood happy?

What are you missing from your life?

Have you ever met someone who had a very similar personality to your own? Did you get along?

Do opposites attract?

Is your life what you expected it would be five years ago?

Do you know what you want out of life?

What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’?

What fundamentally matters do you?

Is freewill an illusion?

Do you create art? How do you define art?

How often do you lie? Is all lying inherently bad? Are you generally truthful?

Do you want to be remembered after your death? What for?

Is true world peace ever possible?

Do you have to suffer to truly understand the human condition? What is the human condition? How can you really experience it?

Are you free? Will you ever be? Can anyone be truly free?

Do you hold yourself to higher standards than you hold others?

What do you expect from a friend or partner?

What question could you ask to find out the most about a person?

Do you justify all your beliefs or have you just inherited/absorbed some?

Which beliefs do you have that is most likely to be wrong?

Can human really understand the complete nature of the universe, space and time?

Is a conscious what makes someone a person?

What do you think about artificial intelligence?

Do you thinks humans are obsessed with escapism (books, video games, movies, etc.)? Are you looking for an escape? Do you think that’s a bad thing?

Are we eventually going to ‘run out’ of new combinations for music, art, language, etc.? Is there a limit to human creativity?

What do you think the next era of music will be like?

What do you think the next era of fashion will be like?

Do we live in tumultuous times, or do they just seem so strange because we’re living in them?

Would you want to meet a clone of yourself? Would you like them?

How confident are you, really?

How consistent is your perception of time?

What age should people be allowed to vote? Should children and teenagers be allowed to vote?

How do you feel about the idea ‘an eye for an eye’?

What’s the worse thing a person can be?

How do you feel about monogamy?

Can you be in love with someone and still fall in love with someone else?

What’s the tragedy of your life?

Would your life make a good play?

Should people be prosecuted for crimes that weren’t considered crimes at the time?

Would you fight for your country? Do you feel a sense of loyalty to your nation?

Do you believe in gender equality in every aspect?

Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent?

Do you crave approval and/or praise?

Is there comedy in all tragedy and tragedy in all comedy?

Are you ever going to be satisfied?

When you are sad, do you listen to music that conveys your emotions or music that makes you happy?

Is your music organised by mood or sensation or do you just listen to everything at any time?

Would you marry a friend if they needed you to (e.g. for citizenship)?

Are you a deep person?

Given the chance to live your life on Mars, with no hope of returning to Earth but with the promise of scientific discovery and glory, would you take it?

Are you who people think you are?

Do you think you would be happier if you had been born a different gender, sexuality, race, ethnicity, nationality or religion?

What’s your toxic trait? Are you trying to improve yourself and fix it?

Do you anger easily?

Are you a jealous person?

If you lost all your memories, would you have the same personality?

Given the chance to reset your life (with none of the knowledge you currently have), would you take it?

Is hate as strong as love? Who do you hate?

Do you speak multiple languages? Which do you dream in? What language would you want to learn?

Do you draw meaning from your dreams, or do you disregard them?

How would you describe yourself when you love? Do you love forcefully, unconditionally, gently, quietly, desperately?

Is unrequited love real love?

Is your perception of yourself similar or the same to how others perceive you?

Are you overly analytical?

Do you ever feel that you are really a terrible person, and only act good out of societal or some other obligation?

Do you believe in magic? Are you superstitious?

What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

[thoughtsfromthevoid]

Dear Christmas,

Yknow, I know I'm 35 minutes late to writing this but I give zero fucks. 36 minutes now. God dammit. I don't care about the presents under the tree, I could care less about the cookies, I just want things to be okay. Or at least better. A lot better.

I don't want to feel emotionally and mentally unsafe here. I don't want this bullshit. I don't want to hear you threaten horrible things- even if you don't mean it. Because it still feels like a horrifying punch in the gut.

I get scared when I hear too loud of a noise because I'm scared you threw something. I don't even have to be at home for that. Because while you didn't throw it at me, it still has an affect.

Saying nobody should come downstairs while you hopefully didn't mean for me to sleep, I feel like I cant anymore. And you know why I can't sleep up here. Not in this room. The nightmares get to bad. But of course, my fuzzy blanket has to be downstairs, so does my favorite bear, and my earbuds. Along with my pillows with the pillowcases I made when I was 9, and my last thoughts of still hoping somehow, this wasn't a toxic family. I know it is now. I've denied it for years.

While you might love and care about me, it doesn't change the affect you have. What part of this makes me anxious do you not understand? What part of severe anxiety do you not get? I don't care that you have issues too, it doesn't give you the right to take it out on us like this. It never has. I didn't understand that until now. Ive always thought it was my fault. I still do. God, I still do.

Whats going to happen tomorrow? Its the first year I haven't asked when we can get up tomorrow for presents, the first year I truly didn't care anymore. All the holiday magic I felt of being with people I cared about left me in seconds. It doesn't have to be this way. I shouldn't want to be anywhere but here. I shouldn't have had to leave to my friends house tonight. They shouldn't have had to say, should I come get you anyways even though you're not allowed to leave?

None of this was supposed to happen. And I know it's not the last time it will happen. Its happened for years. I want out. I just want a way out. Im sick of this. Im just sick.