Why is this shit always happening it’s the second person today I can’t more
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I am so fucking tired. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of trying to do everything . I'm tired of waking up. I'm tired of fighting with myself to keep going. I'm tired of feeling nothing I’m tired of the pain.I’m tired of myself . I’m just so tired
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I don't really want to tag this as I feel like I don't trust a whole lot of what is on this little app but a few follow me who I feel are authentic and relate to me so maybe I'll get lucky and you'll relate or have any idea wtaf happens with us lol
I am too exhausted to explain properly but... we have this thing where we get stuck writing. non stop. through an entire day, entire night, not allowed to stop for water or food or rest. only ever to our therapist of the time.
usually, in the past, it was always triggered by "confessing" (every single reason we are evil, that DID doesnt exist, that our history never happened.. every single thought we have.. etc, it was terrifying, we couldnt even stop to reach a hand out.) and we did a lot of work with our longterm therapist back then to understand what parts were at play, that it seemed very linked to some programming, but we never untangled it all. we saw the similarities of not being allowed water, not being allowed food, going insane, the feeling of spinning in circles, losing all realities, confessing, insanity.. etc... and it was always like breaking a spell. The second we managed to stop it, we saw it all clearly and couldn't understand how we were under such a spell. But trying to stop it felt like death. Because to stop it we had to believe it was a program and STOP. And believing, meant being even more evil, because it's not real. But once we did...we were okay. It was fucking terrifying.
But today we had similar in a different way. It wasn't about confessing but more.... trying to get every reality from every part on paper or not being allowed to send to our therapist. It would be a lie. And spinning in circles trying to explain and add another reality and another and another. And we thought eh this is just the product of a lot of fear, and a lot of parts all at once. But.... again we ended up a few seconds away from being unconscious from a faint from not drinking or eating, in the dark in a carpark after not stopping all day.
We also think we identified old sabotaging programs a past therapist noticed activate in us very often during therapy. But I just..
It's so hard to believe any of it is true.
Is this... does this sound at all not insane to someone?
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Me, who has been in constant, debilitating pain for months: Can I have a break? Please?
My absolute trash-fire of a body: lol nOPE
Me, exhaused and weary of living in survival mode for so long: Okay then... how about... one good sleep? Just one?
My body: Sorry, buddy. Can't do that either.
Me: ...
My body: ...
Me: ...
Me: Fine. Maybe I will just... die
My body: *kill bill sirens* NOT ALLOWED
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Hi mort.. My deepest condolences to your family.
I just want to genuinely ask how are you these days? I'm glad to see that you're safe, and trying to move forward but, please take all the time you need to heal and recover and don't push yourself too much.
From the bottom of my heart I hope everything gets better for you.
some moments are worse than others. i get hit by these moments of realization of just what we've lost and my heart aches for the survivors in gaza if you can call them that. they may not survive for long and that scares me but we try to talk to them every day.
i am not pushing myself. i just want to feel like i'm doing something. when i have the strength i do it and when i don't i don't push myself. but thank you anyway.
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had to quit my job that I really liked because being in blistering fucking pain all day every day makes it hard to want to stay alive which means I can’t do my job and being medicated enough to function means I’m at probably half the cognitive power of the average dog so I can’t do my job
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I hope when I die it’s soon
This life feels nothing but a repeat
A repeat of all the pain I’ve endured
It keeps coming back
Same feeling
But different faces
I just want it all to stop
But it doesn’t
It just doesn’t
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I HATE HAVING ANGER ISSUES
I HATE THAT I CAN'T FIX IT
I HATE HOW NO ONE CAN UNDERSTAND ME
I HATE TAKING MY ANGER ON TO PPL
I JUST WANT TO BE CALM AND NORMAL FOR ONCE
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the nerve pain is so bad in my head today that im biting my fingers hard to try and make a new pain to distract 😭😭😭
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Pornbots, please stop appearing in my inbox and sending me messages with links I have no desire to click on.
Sincerely,
Myself
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okay seriously how are you guys doing all the adulting. like is anyone else always anxious to go to work and mildly depressed no matter what the job is or is it just me. like is this ever gonna stop or am i doomed to live like this forever
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