thyhonesteheorte

[thyhonesteheorte]

ABANDONED BLOG

[thyhonesteheorte]

it's a constant effort i realize, not really dragging and tiring (i mean sometimes it is obviously) but still a consistent effort. but the more i sit and idle and do nothing but sink deeper and deeper into the rot, the more enormous the effort seems to pull myself out. but it's not that hard once you get the opportunity to just start. starting is the most difficult part after all. a fresh morning. a written list. just a lil deviation from your bad habits and suddenly you're thinking about all the ways to make this last.

[thyhonesteheorte]

maybe summer will be a new beginning and won't make me feel so horrible this time ? maybe i'll get to make the small changes to reinvent myself ? maybe this summer will heal me ?

[thyhonesteheorte]

why is it that everyone else got love but not me?

[thyhonesteheorte]

what a dream that was

i almost couldn't wake up

i was frozen in bed with a zombie girl

vacant as a closed down fair

[thyhonesteheorte]

apparently my mind can't tell the difference between being tired for the moment because of sleep deprivation and tired mentally out of exhaustion from living

[thyhonesteheorte]

i need to go to sleep but i haven't finished my food and the fridge isn't working and i feel disgusting cuz i haven't showered properly and i always seem to stick to my bad habits unless i get sudden motivation and make some kind of written list or plan because apparently i'm incapable of functioning without some kind of plan and i wish i could be one of those ppl who just starts and doesn't think too hard about it all but i think about my future all the time and i hold out some hope that i will get better and somebody will love me one day and that i may just feel comfortable in my own skin existing for once but i also can't imagine anything i can really look forward to because i'm also pessimistic and i really wish i didn't exist rn but what's new i always keep saying that, the novelty has worn off now i'm just fucked up and always sad and feeling wrong and it's my default setting and once in a while i get the urge to cry and scream and run but i have absolutely no space for that or maybe i'm just too lazy so i just sit and scroll or sleep and waste my days and before i know it i will be 17 and 18 and 19 and--- nothing would've changed. i'd be older and wiser and stupider and i'd have different clothes and maybe a few different opinions and maybe a few different ppl i can call 'friends' and i'd be still be me and feeling sad and wrong

[thyhonesteheorte]

i am so tired of this life

[thyhonesteheorte]

the feminine urge to want someone to strap u in a medical asylum chair and leave u in a big white room and let u scream ur throat raw and have nutrition thru an ivf and noone comes and ur in there for so long the sun and other ppl are a vague memory and then send some1 down who's so gentle and caring and kind and SIKE SHEE A HOLOGRAM HAHA EVERYBODY POINT AND LAUGH 🤣🤣🫵🫵POINT🤣🫵 AND🤣🫵 LAUGH 🤣🫵🫵

[thyhonesteheorte]

[thyhonesteheorte]

[thyhonesteheorte]

im always yearning but irl i can never make anything substantial last and im shit at being a normal social human among other normal humans so that just quadruples the yearning when im alone in my room

[thyhonesteheorte]

kinda mood im in rn

[thyhonesteheorte]

sundays rule number 1: DON'T THINK ABOUT YOUR LIFE

[thyhonesteheorte]

ystd morning got me like

[thyhonesteheorte]

that feeling when u think everyone hates u <<<<<<<

[thyhonesteheorte]

i literally hurt my own feelings imagining arguments that would never happen