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[to-a-friend]

17.07.19

Dear friend,

It is crazy to think that I finished uni almost 2 months ago. Where has the time gone? All my life has been structured by the education system, there was always something to work on homework or summer projects etc. but since leaving uni theres been nothing. I know technically I’m looking for a job and I have definitely been trying but thats a passing activity, it doesn’t take up much time. Same with learning to drive. These tasks are the biggest things in my life right now and contribute to daily tasks however they are still insignificant. Most of my time is my own. I can do anything pretty much! 

Others in the same boat as me have said that they are intimidated and scared of not knowing what the next year will bring. But for me? I’m excited. I could do anything! Move anywhere! Fair enough I have very little money, but besides that nothing is out of reach, and that, that is an incredible feeling.

It’s interesting to note that all my worries that my bad mental health wasn’t a real issue and that it was based on university is wrong. I definitely suffer from anxiety, and I’m thinking mild depression. I know it is there because I can feel it creep into my day for no reason, and paint over happy moments with its grey washed out lenses. But as it isn’t daily, and as I can see it is unreasonable, it is more bearable. 

I am beginning to wonder however, whether I should speak to a therapist or someone like that. As looking for jobs and going for driving lessons has made me realise that anxiety tries its hardest to destroy the good things and makes me less likely to pursue what will improve my life. Recognising this is a good sign I know though currently I don’t have the tools to handle these thoughts. My medicine definitely stops me from sinking low into this mind set, but I want to actually enjoy the good moments in life and not just endure. I need to understand why my mind is self sabotaging and ways to fix it, and to do that I need to speak to someone. I haven’t got a check up with the doctor for another couple of months, and I’m not sure how long the waiting list will be or whether he’ll say its the right decision. But I’m definitely thinking of asking him about being transferred to a therapist.

I will try to write sooner, as I have missed this expression of thoughts, though will not promise a thing.

All the best,

Claire

[to-a-friend]

12.05.19

Dear friend,

So it has been awhile, and much within this time has changed. Firstly, I would like you to know that I am doing alright. Suicidal thoughts only enter my mind  on occasion, with a much less pressing voice then which it previously held. Though difficult to fully process and anxiety still filling my sole with every passing thought, the end of my time at university is near and now seems within reaching distance.

My previous letter stated that I had made a doctors appointment to address the darkness inside of me, and this in reflection was the changing point in my mental health. As, on the 1st of February 2019 I began taking Sertraline, an antidepressant that has given me a future. Through the absents of these letters and through personal accomplishments it is clear that depression held a much more powerful hand then that I once believed. Tears are uncommon, my willingness to participate and enjoy life has returned, and my relationships at university have strengthened more then I truly believed could. Now, I am the funny, and friendly girl who jokes with the teacher and volunteer to help my peers. As opposed to the absent, silent girl, who appeared to recoil at any attention directed her way.

This is not to say, I am better. I still feel the darkness creep into my tired body each night, and anxiety threatens to knock me out at the slightest hint of uncertainty. And sometimes I question whether the medicine really is making a difference.

Though, this is progress. I have formed strong friendships with 2 others who suffer the same and similar illness, and my family understand much more what I have been struggling with. This is all thanks to the confidence and life that the doctor and medicine have helped return to me, giving me the strength to speak out and speak honestly to those I hold dear. My life is changing, and improving with each passing week. And hopefully with the end of this dark university chapter, will began a chapter of progression and self forgiveness. And one day I will not need to rely on medication to look forward to tomorrow. And one day, I will have been given a proper diagnosis from a therapist, who will teach me to live my life in a way that works for me.

But for now, I am doing okay. And I know this temporary, but that is fine. I will never know when the darkness will resurface or if it ever will, however for now I know that there are people who will help and that I am not alone.

Thank you for listening during the darkest of times. I am uncertain whether I will return here, or, maybe like the rest of my life this will change too? But for now all I have to say is goodbye and

all the best,

Claire

[to-a-friend]

23.01.19

Dear friend,

Never before have I been so aware that I am mentally ill. But this past month has been unbearable, I seem to have every single symptom of depression all fighting to take precedent, its painful.

Im struggle so much, the only keeping me going is that I’ve actually made a doctors appointment. I know right, Im actually reaching out and telling someone how I’ve been feeling for the last 3 years. In my head I always thought that would only happen if I was in a better place, and I’ve spoken to someone I know first.

 But no, its because Im struggling so much. My grades are getting worse, and Im falling further and further behind. My sleeping habits are completely fucked up. My diet is appalling and frankly embarrassing. My days are wasted. And I find joy in nothing.

I desperately want to kill myself. I see it in everything, I work out how i could kill myself right there. Take a moment, to relish in the idea. And then continue with my day. 

I will give the doctor a try and if that doesn’t work, then I can kill myself. At least I, and everyone left behind, will know what was wrong with me. And what made me kill myself.

[to-a-friend]

16.01.19

Im so close to just saying fuck it, and kill myself. Ive got tablets that I know I can overdose on, I know that I can easily catch a train back to my family home so I wont be alone and id be found the next day, and then that night, I’d do it.

I just feel so down all the time. And uni is so difficult, and not at all enjoyable. I’m not even achieving acceptable grades, never mind grades Id be proud with, and whats worse is I’m trying. I really am. The feedback I’m getting from the tutors is conflicting and impossible to follow. And every single second of everyday is showered with guilt for not working, or working slowly, or not working on the right part of the project. Its driving me crazy.

I hate uni. More than I ever have. It is hell, and I do not recommend it to anyone. Im likely to come out of uni with a bad grade, even though i have put so so much energy into it. I have completely destroyed my mental health trying to keep up with whats expected from me, and yet still I cant achieve.

I know Im severely suicidal at the moment because of uni, and uni alone. And so I know that in 20 weeks time that it will all be over, and i will never have to do anything surrounding this work ever again.  Even though I know all that, i still dont think i can make it. I know that it doesnt really matter if i get a bad grade since im not interested in a post graduate or working in the industry, but still I lie awake worrying about just that. 

I just want it to be over with. I cant handle much more of this life.

[to-a-friend]

20.12.18

I actually can’t do this anymore

I wish Christmas was over so I could just kill myself already

[to-a-friend]

20.12.18

Dear friend,

I have nothing to live for. Everything that has kept me going has gone. I should just give up and kill myself.

I have just received my first grade that will effect my final overall degree level and it was bad, much worse than it needs to be, and the feedback I have received seems impossible to achieve. I tried so hard and put all my energy into it and that was all i got. I suck. Worse is the fact that this was meant to be the easy part and this next year is apparently going to be so much more intense and difficult, there is no way I’ll be able to cope.

Additionally, the one thing that I have found entertaining and has been constant for the last 7 years is changing, and in part stopping. That is Dan and Phil, more specifically Dan and Phil Games, their videos always created a safe place that I could visit and distract me and make me happy, and now they are stopping this channel indefinitely. I know they are still going to be on the internet and they are going to focus on their solo content more, which will be good, but honestly I am heartbroken. If I was ever on the verge of suicide a thought that kept me going is their next video, or most recent video, and the joy it will bring. But now I wont have anything to look forward too.

The rest of my family are doing well and seem happy, that I feel they would be able to manage my death and the grief that will come with it. My siblings are all achieving and being successful in their own right, and so my parents wont lose their hope for success for their children overall, I’d be the only fuck up. My nephew and niece are so incredibly gorgeous and important, but they are young and will forget me, they don’t need me to bring their happiness and so I can’t carry on for them when my own happiness has not existed in so long.

I have no proper friends so I don’t need to worry about them.

So what is the point of continuing?

I might as well die.

[to-a-friend]

19.11.18

dear friend,

I have a deadline on Thursday for a major part of my degree, it is essential that I complete this to the best of my ability. I have had weeks to do it, and yet I have left it till now. This always happens, and usually within the final week I get so anxious that i will just sit and do the work. However this time it hasn’t happened, my depression is still stronger, and so Im doing nothing. Im trying, but I cant focus, my brain wont let me create and write. I keep trying and little is coming out. so then i take a break, do some ‘self care’ and when i return to work? nothing. I know vaguely what i want to write, but the words wont come out.

Im so desperate to write this proposal, there are other aspects that i cant do until the writing is done and so i need time to complete them. But nothing is getting done.

I’m hoping by writing this my mind will think of words. That i will then be able to sit down and achieve something today at least. If not, Im not sure what there is left to do, I cant keep putting it off and leaving it another day.

[to-a-friend]

14.11.18

Why can’t I just die and not hurt anyone.

Why should I care, I’ll be dead! Let everyone be fucking miserable, it’s not like I haven’t been depressed all this time.

I need to stop making excuses and just do it. I know this is what I want. I can’t carry on like this. Let me do this please.

Please let people forgive me. Let them find these letters and understand. This isn’t a life that is worth living. Let me end my suffering.

[to-a-friend]

14.11.18

Let me die

Please

[to-a-friend]

13.11.18

Dear friend,

i want to give up. But I can’t.

I am meeting a friend who is struggyling this weekend and to die sooner could kill her too, and I want more than anything to help her and make her happy again. 

So I’ll wait till after that meeting than, that would make sense. But then I have major university deadlines, and so my fellow students and tutors would be strongly impacted by my death and my actual reasons for suicide will not be considered and instead it would be believed that it was simple the stress of a deadline that made me end it all.

So then I wait till after the deadline, surely than I’d have a chance to swallow to many pills, or tie a rope round my neck. But no, soon after, my Mam will be coming to visit for a while, I can’t ruin that for her. And truly I want to see her again before I go. So then after that, but then it is too close to Christmas, do I really want to ruin that season to everyone close to me? Could I really put my self-worth over this season. I couldn’t, and I mustn’t. 

I guess I’ll wait till January. Surely nothing could stop me then, right?

I hate how life works.Life never takes a break, it never stops, so there is no perfect time to kill myself. I just have to be selfish and do it, and ruin other peoples lives and have my reasons be tinted to suit the current narrative. Thats not right. I can’t do that. I dont want my pain and sadnesss to be pushed onto other people at their most vunerable. I dont want my memory and my reasons to be wrongly portraited and wrongely represented. I just want to be dead. And that is it.

Please help me find away to do this. I beg you.

[to-a-friend]

29.10.18

Dear friend,

I am in such a bad place. I feel nothing, and I have no energy. There is no joy and no hope. I am done.

I know I need help. I know I need to reach out. But I just can’t.

I was going to go to the doctors tomorrow and finally speak out, and start recovering. Because I cant deny the fact there is something wrong with me. But I am scared.

By going and admitting my mental health problems, makes them real. Means I’ll have to deal with them. Means I’ll have to step out of my comfort zone, and change.

But I don’t have the motivation and energy to make these changes. I don’t think I want to get better enough to actually make these changes.

All I want is to die.

I have formed a solid plan that I know I can do whenever I want. I have wrote a suicide note that may or may not be used. And I know within myself that I can commit to it.

Now it’s just a waiting game to see which I will be brave enough to do first, seek help or kill myself. One of these must happen.

I hope it’s the right one.

[to-a-friend]

14.10.18

Dear friend,

Why continue when there is nothing that brings me joy?

[to-a-friend]

13.10.18

Dear friend,

I am so over everything. Nothing brings me joy. My future seems impossible. I can’t carry on.

- Claire

[to-a-friend]

10.09.18

Dear friend,

To do it with pills, is likely to fail as availability and strength is not on my side.

To do it with bleach, would cause unbearable pain and a slow death.

To do it with a razor, I would need to be stronger and more committed then I’ve ever been before.

To do it with alcohol, would be too unlike me, and with too little of a chance of success.

To do it by jumping, gives too much chance for someone to stop me, would scar another person with the sight of my dead body.

To do it by water, seems difficult in my current location, and gives me a chance to back out. 

To do it by hanging, there is nothing strong enough, the rope would snap.

To do it by fire, is too uncontrollable, others might get hurt.

How can I do it?

All the best,

Claire

[to-a-friend]

29.07.18

Dear friend,

Tomorrow I go in holiday. And although I am excited, I am mainly scared. I am scared because it means time is running out. After this week, and the holiday, I will have another week full of travelling, followed by a week filled with scheduled meetings with family and friends. Then 3 weeks of full time work that is ended by the return of university. The start of my final year. The end of freedom and opportunities and potential happiness. I don’t get a break at university, and it digs further and further into my mental health without the opportunity of death.

With the start of tomorrow marks the end of summer and with it the start of university. I feel like once again I have wasted my summer, wasted the opportunities that were handed to me, and this, more so then any previous year, the feeling is strongest. Due to it being my last before graduation, before entering the working world and no longer having months off. And because I was certain entering it that I would not leave it. I would instead be dead. No longer suffering in silence. No longer desperately searching for answers that don’t exist. No longer dreading seeing the date knowing that time is slipping away. But instead I let just that happen, time slipped away before my very eyes and now I am left with nothing. All I want is to be dead. But I have not been given the opportunity to do this, or had the time and energy to create my own.

Im sick of feeling like this. And I’m sick of not being able to enjoy things.

But for the sake of everyone else on this holiday I will put on a smile and pretend.

All the best,

Claire

[to-a-friend]

18.07.18

Dear friend,

Today I was meant to kill myself. I was suppose to take my bike and ride into the  countryside, and ‘accidentally’ slide into the rocky, flowing river. In which I would drowned, or bleed to death. I would leave as though I was returning, leave with no note, so in discovering my battered and bloated body it would be identified as an accident. 

But this did not happen. There was no life changing miracle or moment that has switched my mind and wants. Nothing that has made me want to chose to live rather than chose death. I did not kill myself today, because I had no time.

I needed time to think and make sure that this really is what I wanted to do. I needed to flesh out my plan and find away that would guarantee my death, rather than this immature and basic idea that I have shared. I needed to wait for life and those key moments to quieten down, so as to not have my death overshadow family holidays, and gatherings. And so I will have to wait. More events have appeared within the next month or so that I would like to experience, and would be destroyed by my death. So I shall wait. 

However, my summer is drawing to an end, and once returned to university I wont be able to kill myself. And I really don’t want to go back. I don’t think I could cope with dealing with the work load on top of my mental health again. And suicide disguised as an accident would not work in a place where I am alone and have no significance.

I just wish I could focus on what I want and need for a week without the stress of life on top of me. Then I could perfect and execute my suicide perfectly. 

All the best,

Claire

[to-a-friend]

26.06.18

 Dear friend,

I’ve been fantasizing about dying for years. But now that I have formed a plan and set a date, I’m scared. I am scared of failing and what the repercussions of that would be. But mainly I’m scared for the act its self, can I really go through with it? Could I really stop myself from experiencing anymore of my life? I’m scared for my family, how will they cope? Will their lives be tainted by my death in the way I fear it will? Is it really the right and only choice I have?

I need to think everything through. I need to check with myself and make sure this is what I want. I need to not kid myself and say I will get help and change x, y, and z when I’m not capable of doing so. I need to sit down and honestly work through myself and see if my problems have got solutions that I can achieve, and mindsets that can be changed. I think I’m going to go for a bike ride tomorrow, and try to clear my head, so I can focus on this. And make my decision whether to continue or not.

It’s so strange to be longing for death for so long, and now its waiting for me I’m not sure I want to leave. There is so much I haven’t learnt or experienced in life, and maybe everything is pointless and has no meaning, but I’ve been giving this opportunity so maybe I should try to take it. 

But I can’t down play and forget what has led me to this suicide plan. I am miserable. I am alone. I can’t communicate. I am unable to take risks. I am trapped. I have nothing to offer. My mind just wont stop.

 If I agree to stay alive something will need to change. My mindset will need to be fixed. I need to know that I can be fixed. I need to be motivated and believe that I can be fixed. And most importantly I need to want to be fixed.

All the best,

Claire