toritzos

[toritzos]

for you

You’re the first person I thought of when I saw there were gummy bears at the coffee shop

You’re the first person I thought of. I wasn’t even happy for myself because I could get gummy bears. My entire heart lit up and my immediate thought was “- will be so excited!” I stopped to take a picture of the gummy bears. Can you believe it? I didn’t even think about buying them yet I just thought about how happy you would be when you knew they were there. Maybe I’m crazy. Friendships are weird. I’m not a particularly good friend. It’s probably why I’ve never been able to have a best friend. Nobody has wanted to keep me around that long. And I don’t really care because maybe a little piece of me didn’t really want to be kept. But I also know that there’s this huge hole in my heart that just wants somebody to love it and to hold it and to just stay. Because everyone else left. My kindergarten best friend left in fourth grade. It felt like a knife in my heart. I still remember. My whole stomach felt as if it had fallen on the floor and been run over by a semi truck. Middle and high school I never had a best friend. I never had that one person who understood me. I never had somebody who I could look up and see gummy bears and instead of thinking oh man I love gummy bears! Think: my best friend would be so happy to have these. Even now I’m sure you don’t think of me as your best friend. I’m actually positive you don’t. But I realized something today. Even though every new friend I’ve made has taken and taken little pieces of my soul and thrown them away. You have only ever seemed to add to it. You made me want to stop and take pictures of gummy bears. Maybe I’m scared of that. I’m scared of the idea of losing you and this thing we have going on. Because I’m too scared to call it a friendship. Because if it’s a friendship, then that means you’ll just leave like everyone else. But maybe I want this to be what it is. Maybe I want to be your friend. I want to be your friend for a really long time. I’m scared to admit that. But I think I realized today. When I was taking a picture of gummy bears. I realized today that I am your friend. Big time. And I’m gonna do my best to be a good friend as long as you’ll keep me around. So I want to be your friend as long as possible. I want to have to take pictures of gummy bears again. 

[toritzos]

I guess I’m scared

It’s safer to think I’m unlovable

Because If I am lovable, then why does nobody love me

[toritzos]

I think something changed tonight

Pick at me three months ago and I wouldn’t even be able to look at those photos or videos. 

But maybe

It wasn’t the memories that hurt 

It was just the thought of you

And who you are now in relation to me

Those old photos and videos

Those were a reminder of the good times

The fun times

Times when it was unfathomable to even think one day I would look at you and cringe

Pretend I didn’t see you in public

Try to ignore you on the street

Hear you mock me in the halls

See you all pointing at me and laughing

But here I am

I’ve found them again

Im looking at the video of you shining a flashlight in your mouth drunkenly asking us if we can see your molars

I’ve found a video of you throwing Halloween pumpkins out your window while we all giggled like fools

Here’s the photos from when we dyed my hair

And the pictures of the Christmas tree every time we redecorated it.

Even the pictures of us four sitting together on that stupid bench.

We were going to make a slideshow of all our bench photos together.

Three months ago I couldn’t even look at these photos

Today I stumbled upon a video of us laughing on your bedroom floor for no reason. 

You were showing me something silly you’d come up with and wanted to make me laugh. 

I watched the whole video.

I laughed the whole way through

And then I watched another

And I found some more.

And the strangest thing happened 

I didn’t get mad or scared or sad

I was happy

Because there we were and we were happy

Together

It was brief and it was strange

But we were happy together for at least those picture captured moments

So instead

Of the pain

Or the anger

Or even the sadness

I will hold onto those photos with a memory of joy.

Not because of what is 

But because of what was. 

Because three months ago I couldn’t even look at those photos

Because now I can.

[toritzos]

walk

Everyday I look out the window over the collective green where the people walk. They trot along in search of their next appointment. 

I wish I could walk along with them. 

I wish I could be with them. 

But I still sit here. 

I have always been sitting here. 

These days I’m scared to go outside. 

Would it be better to be hurt again if it meant I could walk with them. 

[toritzos]

winston

You are older than me

You are older and wiser and sometimes angrier

You are leaving

I remember all the times mom or dad would tell me how much you talked as a baby. 

Dad used to tell me how when we were babies

And it was just the two of us before William

You would talk me to sleep

We would be in our cribs in the same room

And I would lay down and you would talk and talk and talk 

(That’s exactly how dad would say it)

You would talk and talk 

And I would fall asleep

Then you’d talk until you fell asleep

Now I feel as if I talk enough for the both of us

You are in your room and you are quiet

You talk and talk to your friends online

You talk and talk to yourself sometimes

But you don’t talk to me

When did you start getting so quiet?

When did I become the talkative one 

Who made you quieter. Smaller. 

Was it me?

Sometimes I think about how mean I am to you

I think about all of the horrible awful things I’ve said to you

All of the terrible thoughts I should’ve kept to myself

And I realize that maybe it wasn’t that you stopped talking 

It was that you stopped talking to me

Because somewhere along the line I started talking back. 

So now you’re leaving. 

And now we talk sometimes

We are friends

But a gaping rip in who we once were is tearing into the lining of my chest every time I try to talk to you

Because the angry words, the hateful rhetoric, the cruel thoughts, I know they linger between us somewhere. Caught in the air. 

And now you are leaving 

and I’m scared that even though I talk and you listen now, there will never be enough words for me to find the way to say I love you. 

I’m sorry that my love was hard discovered and even harder given. 

But learning to talk gave me a gift you would always give me

The chance to speak all of the love back to you. 

You never failed to give me love

Well I love you

I may not be able to talk you to sleep 5,000 miles away. 

But I love you

And I know you will talk and talk and talk

Until you put yourself to sleep

[toritzos]

I don’t know what to say

Do I find you annoying? Yes. Sometimes. 

Do I think you talk to much? No. Sometimes. 

Do I like you? Yes. Sometimes?

Friendships are complicated.

 Is anything black and white?  Is anything easy?  

Why do i have to have all the answers. Why do i think i always have to make you happy? I try. 

So. 

Much. 

To make everyone happy. To make you smile. To not feel like I’m ruining this for everyone. To not be grumpy. To keep everyone liking me. 

I try. 

If friendships were easy and if this were black and white I wouldn’t have to lie and tell you that you’re perfect and I love you just the way you are. Because it’s true. But you don’t believe it. And neither do I. Because it never has been true. For either of us. If we were perfect. If this was perfect. I wouldn’t be writing this. I wouldn’t be slicing streams into the side of my thighs. And I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I lie to you. And tell you that you’re perfect. Because maybe if I told the truth. Then you wouldn’t be as mad at me as you are. Maybe if I told the truth you would believe me. 

Because it’s the truth. 

You are annoying. Sometimes. 

You do talk too much. Sometimes. 

You are my favorite person. 

Sometimes. 

Is that what you want me to say? That I don’t love you as much as I do? Why? Why do you not believe me when I say I love you no matter what? Is it because deep down you don’t think anyone could? Because deep down you think you’re annoying and no matter what anyone tells you, you will never be able to believe anyone other than the voice inside your head?

Well congratulations. Because you figured it out. Nobody can ever like everyone all the time. Nobody can ever get along with anyone perfectly. Nobody is always gonna like you. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to be your friend. Being annoying sometimes doesn’t push us away. Running away and locking us out and ignoring us will. But you do that to defend yourself. I get that now. But you can’t keep kicking me out of your life every time you get scared that you’re too much for us. Because as much as you piss me off sometimes, and drive me crazy, you are still the only person I want to see every day. 

That’s the thing about friendships that works. No matter how much friends try to drive each other away or annoy each other. One of them always comes back. 

Well I will always come back. 

Even if I’ve been an absolute dick. 

I will always come back and try to apologize. 

Because you’re worth ever second of apologies and tears and effort. 

Because you’re annoying. And loud. And funny. And silly. And pretty. And nice. And gentle. And kind. And caring. And intentional. And intelligent. And hard working. And strong willed. And determined. And important. And decisive. And loving. And honest. And purposeful. And delicate. And powerful. And beautiful. And soft. And honorable. And wonderful. And humorous. And special. And sincere. And inclusive. And endearing. And difficult. And complex. And worth it. 

You are worth it every time. 

So I think that’s why. 

That’s why I try. Because no matter how many time I write this list. 

I could say a million and one reasons why I try. 

But I will never be able to find a reason not to come back. I will never find a reason to not try. 

[toritzos]

Little

Hey. Right now I’m watching adventure time. I was thinking about you because well. You didn’t get to watch adventure time when I was young. That’s weird to say I guess. But now you’re me and I’m you and we are grown up and at college. And it wasn’t exactly the time of our dreams. It sucked. Oh yeah we say sucked now. We also curse. A lot. We say h e double hockey sticks too. We have monster high dolls now just like you always wanted. We play Roblox still. We have good friends. We had some bad friends. We are going to be an art teacher. And maybe go to Italy this summer to be an archaeologist. I’m sad now. It’s not as often as usual. But you’re gonna get older and you and dad are gonna fight a lot. You’re gonna do some scary stuff. Things are gonna be hard for a while. I don’t know how to explain- but they’re gonna be hard. The world is messed up. And I suppose it’s always been messed up. But don’t ever become desensitized to the horror of the world. Even though it’s really scary. Don’t let yourself forget any of it. 

[toritzos]

because I know you

Sometimes I’m scared.

I’m not enough for you.

Im scared I’ve messed up

I’ve yelled at you

I’ve lost my temper and blown up

I’ve walked away when you needed me

I’m a bad friend. 

I’m scared that you hold on because you’re scared you won’t have anyone without me. 

I don’t want you to think you have to keep me around. 

Because I’m not that great

I never have been. 

You are everything to me

You saved me

Whether you know it or not

I’m sorry I haven’t always been there to save you

I want to be there when you are lying on the bathroom floor and you can’t move

I want to pick you up when you can’t breathe

I want to hold you when you cry

(But neither of us likes hugs any way right?)

I want to listen to your music late at night and still be driving through the neighborhoods searching for something to hold onto. 

I want to laugh at every stupid thing- every great thing- all of the weird things

I want to not be scared. 

Scared that I’m not good enough for you. 

But maybe I’m going to be scared. Maybe I will be scared regardless. 

I’m scared I’m going to lose you one day. 

Like everyone else. 

But I think there’s something to this. 

You and me I mean. 

I’m scared of losing you. I’m scared that you’ll get tired of me one day and that I’ll piss you off. 

Maybe that’s why I’ve ran away. 

I haven’t been around lately- because in my experience- people get tired of me pretty fast. I don’t want you to get tired of me. So I distance myself- I try to not talk to you because I worry you won’t want to talk to me. But I want to talk to you every day. I want to work out with you every night - then eat stupid stuff - then cry about school and goof off in the middle of the night. I want to see you every day. You appear and suddenly I can’t stop myself from smiling. I can’t help it. You’re my friend. One of the best I think I’ve ever had. Because you know me so well. I don’t know how. But you do. 

And you could tear me apart. You could tell me every single thing you hate about me. You could rip me to shreds. You could crush my feelings until I don’t know how to feel. And I wouldn’t notice. Because I’d look up and it would still be you. You deserve everything. You deserve all the love I can give. And I haven’t been good at giving it. I haven’t been a good friend.

But you could do your worst and I would still come back. 

I would come back no matter what

Because I think I have to. 

I don’t think I could think of anyone else I would rather know like I know you. 

I don’t think there is a greater friendship than this. Because the love for you I hold is so heavy. I can feel it. I know it’s there. It’s always there and always has been there and it always will be there. 

You could rip my heart out of my chest and the love would still be there. Sitting. Watching. Loving you. Because I love you with more than just my heart. I love you with my soul.

I’ve never had a sister. But I think this is what it feels like. 

I think that’s why I’m scared. I’m scared of waking up one day and not knowing you like this. Not knowing you. But knowing how I once did- that would break something so crucial in me. 

That is why I am scared. Because to lose a sister is impossible. She is someone you will always know. 

So maybe- I won’t be scared. Because I know you. and you know me. and maybe thats what this friendship thing is. Knowing somebody. I’ll give you the world. Because I know you. And you deserve it. And I’m not scared anymore.

Because I know you.

Maybe that’s why I’m not scared. because I know you