unfoldingdaydreams - Tumblr blog

unfoldingdaydreams · 4 years ago

Text

Safe In Your Arms, Where I Belong (Jude x Willem Fanfiction)

Series: A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

Pairing: Jude St. Francis and Willem Ragnarsson

Words long: 5.6k

[MAJOR BOOK SPOILERS]

Takes place after VII/Lispenard Street

Summary: Jude's final attempt sends him back to the day Willem's car crash happens. But this time, the drunk driver hits another car instead. Willem is alive. With the memories of a life without Willem, Jude decides to achieve a better ending than the one he got. And with Willem by his side, nothing feels impossible.

(Also, sorry if the writing style feels a bit different than Yanagihara's, My first language isn't English and I didn't read the English version of this book. I really hope there aren't too many noticeable mistakes that would prevent you from enjoying it.)

VIII / The Butterfly Effect

The needle of the syringe that’s inside of Jude St. Francis feels cold. Nothing more, nothing less. The fingers of the man holding it trembles for a second, even himself isn’t sure if it’s because he is scared or excited. Scared for death, or excited for the release.

Release. That’s the name he came up with for this attempt months ago, while he was planning the letters each person would get. He has become such a dead weight on other people that it is noticeable; from their smiles that hide worry, or their eyes covered in dark circles. People around him are tired because of him. Harold, Julia, and Andy, they all are. He thinks how their lives would be if they never met Jude. Probably way happier. This thought has been putting a lot of weight on his shoulders and each day the weight multiplies. The shoulders that have been already carrying so much of the past.

The needle stays inside of him for a couple of minutes, he still didn’t inject the air into his artery. He looks around himself, taking in the last chance of using his senses, ever. He looks at the -perfectly- clean bathroom tiles, feels its texture with his hand that’s not holding the syringe and smells the perfume of Willem he poured onto himself minutes before. He cries, of course. Cries for what he is doing, how others are going to react, and what could have been. If only this and that were different. If he was a better person, then things would be different. He would make everyone proud. Maybe even himself.

He fought, very hard. He just wishes other people will be aware of it after what will happen moments later. That he is not doing this because he is giving up, but because he fought so long that he can’t bear to do it any longer. “Release me from my promise to you.” He remembers shouting these words to Harold, “Don’t make me do this anymore, don’t make me go on.”

But he stops himself from diving too deep into his thoughts or memories. He has already thought about these probably his entire life. What good would they be in his final moments? So, he changes his focus; He looks at the space in front of him and thinks of him, Willem. He knows it's selfish not to imagine Harold or Julia or Andy… but Willem is already dead and dead people can’t be more disappointed. Thinking anybody else who is alive would only make him feel guilty about what he is about to do. He tries to imagine Willem in front of him, he thinks how his touch would feel on his cheeks, arms, chest, and back. He thinks about all the years he knew him. How Willem always found a way to find his way back home and how he always tried to take care of Jude. He plays their memories on his head, one by one, that’s how he always planned it would go. Because if he doesn’t, his promise to Harold will be all over the corners of his mind, and that way he could never find the courage to do what he is about to do.

Only Willem, Jude guides himself in the right direction. Willem’s hair, Willem’s smell, Willem’s kind heart, and Willem’s arms around him as they slept together side by side every night. The memories get faster and faster as his heartbeats do as well. Sacred memories that only belong to them. How lucky and blessed Jude must be to have such magical memories. Willem, he thinks.

Willem, Willem, Willem.

I hope we can meet again someday, dear.

He shuts down his eyes and injects the syringe all at once. The air that was previously stuck in the syringe’s tube finds its way and welcomes its new home, Jude’s artery.

The pain he feels isn’t how he imagined it would be, it feels normal to him, way too normal. But he can’t figure it out if it was because the actual act wasn’t as harsh as the papers written about it or if his body was so used to inflicting pain to itself that this was nothing new. He feels happy. Yes, the pain, his body trembling and his legs kicking around in an animalistic way feels distracting, but he can still think of Willem. Not being able to do that was his biggest fear in the whole act itself.

He thinks of him until his mind doesn’t allow him to, until he forgets what he looks like. But that doesn’t stop him. He knows Willem’s name and Willem’s name is enough home to him. Enough to keep him safe from Brother Luke and Dr. Traylor’s fingers that are reaching for him. It seems that Jude carried his demons with him for so long that his mind still can’t let go of them, even at death. He still clearly remembers every single detail about them, but he isn’t worried.

It’s okay. He knows Willem’s name, nothing else would be strong enough to take that name away from him.

There is a noise.

The noise comes and goes, one by one, but it is always the same noise. As if somebody is shutting a light switch on and off repeatedly. He drifts away from his dazed state, he can hear the ringing more and more clearly now. Jude can’t help but shake his head, the fog that's surrounding him needs to get away because the noise is getting more and more irritating each passing second. He feels his right arm slapping through the air as if he is materializing the thing that’s bothering him and punching it. But it doesn’t work, the ringing is still there.

Seconds feel like an eternity. An eternity of remembering what he has done seconds ago. Great, he thinks to himself, I’m in the hospital again. He failed. Failing twice in a subject so close to him feels like a punch in the throat. This is the one thing he should be doing successfully and better than anyone, but he even fails at this, apparently.

The ringing gets louder and louder, so loud that he takes a bold step to get up. The action is more of a reflex but what surprises him is that he can feel his body moving. His muscles tensing up and his prosthetics lifting him to the ground. He feels worried now, how is he standing up if he is in the hospital? It’s time to open your eyes, he commands himself. Something is wrong, Jude. It feels like it takes him days just to lift his glued eyelids back up. The light feels violent, he covers his eyes for a while with his scarred hand and waits until they adapt to seeing, observing life once again.

He is in the Lantern House. He looks around with a huge discomfort in his chest. How is he here, why is he here? He wasn’t supposed to be here, the last thing he remembers is the needle that was inside of his skin and the stroke taking control of his body. Being here made no sense at all.

His mind doesn’t even think about how it could just be a bad nightmare.

His thoughts get distracted by the ringing once again. What he thought were hospital machines beeping was coming from the kitchen table.

Oh, his phone was ringing.

He slowly but surely moves his body towards the kitchen, since he still feels a bit dazed, he doesn’t bother checking the caller and just answers the phone. “Hello?”

“Hi Judy!” the voice that’s coming from the other side of the phone reaches him and suddenly Jude is wide awake, feeling clearer than he had ever felt. He pushes the phone closer to his ear until it hurts and is still shocked by the unexpected voice. Was this a voicemail? Or an old recording he put on a loop to fall asleep? “Dear, I just met up with Malcolm and Sophie at the station, we’ll shortly be on our way. Do you need anything from the grocery store?”

Willem’s voice.

Jude doesn’t even hear the words themselves; he just hears Willem’s beautiful voice on his ears and tears up. Even if somebody is messing with him by playing this sound to him on the phone, Jude doesn’t care. “Willem, is that you?” he whispers to the phone. “Of course, it’s me, Judy.” Willem chuckles sincerely, “Or is there anyone else that calls you 'dear'?”

Jude instantly takes a step back from the phone and even falls to the ground. This conversation has never happened between them and his mind is racing between millions of thoughts on what the hell is going on. He is not sure how long he stayed on the ground, he was so distracted and mesmerized by Willem’s name on the screen. “Jude?” Willem finally speaks once again, “Is everything alright?”

Jude wasn’t alright, he would be crying hysterically if he wasn’t biting on his own fingers to silence himself. The tears are rolling down from his cheeks nonstop and he knows this can’t be real. This is the day Willem dies .

The day Willem went to pick up Malcolm and Sophie seems so far away from now. Just a blur, a lost page on a dusted calendar.

He would laugh at himself if he could, to the fact that he questioned how moments ago his suicide attempt could be a dream. Jude wasn’t stupid, it wasn’t a dream . The nightmares he had to endure, the days that only had ever-lasting pain in them couldn’t be a dream.

But this was one. Hearing and seeing Willem could only be a dream. It always was . They would get rarer and rarer, so much so that he doesn’t even remember which day was it the last time he had seen Willem in his dreams. He inhales sharply and forces himself to sound normal and picks up the phone again, “Sorry,” He says, “I’m cooking at the same time, a bit busy.” He adds. “Oh, I see!” Jude can see the smile that forms on Willem’s face. “So, do you need anything?” Willem asks once again.

Jude smiles faintly. I just need you, Willem. But you’re never going to come back to me.

He leans on the phone, he could almost hear Willem’s steady breathing on the phone, he would never speak and drive so they must still be in the train station. The thought of warning Willem about the car crash sounds so desperate to him. But he is desperate, he is and has always been since this day. The funny thing was, Willem wouldn’t even think of him as crazy, he would nod and say he would make sure to drive a bit slower. But Jude still can’t find the courage to warn him. He takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes so that he can see again, “I’m out of soil for the garden,” He puts his forehead to the wall, he knows there is a flower shop right before the place the car crash is going to happen. “Can you stop by and get me some?” the question is such a simple one without context, so it doesn’t even take a second for Willem to answer, “Of course, the usual store?” he asks for reassurance and Jude nods, “Mhm.” He says, “ Please take your time.”

After the phone call ends, Jude feels himself almost going crazy. First, the seconds don’t pass. He is stuck in a singular moment, thinking of how the conversation went. Repeats every single word Willem just said to him in his head and lives them in his head again and again. Then, seconds pass like sands falling from an hourglass. He wishes for time to slow down but minutes keep passing and passing. Jude is surprised at how childish he is feeling. He thinks that how he is feeling would be the same if he had a normal childhood and if he was waiting for Christmas morning.

When the doorbell rings, he is still in the same spot the phone call happened.

He doesn’t know how to react or respond, he just feels his body preparing to get up and run to the door. Will he see Willem? Is he that lucky in his dream?

Then it hits him, maybe nothing has changed. Maybe it’ll be a police officer standing in front of his house again, announcing what happened to his dearest friends.

Knowing himself, Jude can guess which way this dream is going to go. His mind has never been a friend to him, so why would it this time?

That's why he doesn't move an inch, he stays there and looks at the door. Why was it locked anyway? Couldn't they just enter and save him from the misery? Minutes pass once again, his phone is also ringing now. He slowly gets up and looks around. The kitchen is familiarly strange to him. Over the years after Willem's death, he made small changes but those changes aren't there anymore. Not being able to find comfort in his own house makes him even more anxious. Each step towards the door feels like a journey itself.

When he finally opens the door, he was fully expecting to see an officer standing right next to him to announce whoever got hurt this time.

But he doesn’t see a police officer. What he sees feels just like another day of his everyday life. But a part of him knows this isn’t ordinary. A part of him is sure how much this cannot be real. He looks at the people greeting him by the door, Sophie, Malcolm, and Willem.

Willem.

Jude feels as if he is seeing Willem for the first time in his entire life, all his grace at once. All the days he starved himself just to have a glimpse of him, all the nights he buried his face onto Willem’s shirt, and all the days he used Willem’s perfume on his pillow. Every single day he spent without Willem comes at him like ravenous wolves jumping at their prey. Jude is so overwhelmed that he doesn’t recognize the worry on their faces. Well, technically he does, but he is used to it, so it doesn’t bat an eye.

“What took you so long?” Willem says. The simple, without character words leaving Willem’s mouth sounds like music from the heavens to Jude. He could cry, he wants to cry. But his old habits are also returning him, he can’t do that in front of Malcolm and Sophie.

Jude has always been good at lying, so much so that he could come up with one without even taking another breath. It is one of the greatest defences he built against the world trying to find their way to his secrets. “I got tired from waiting for you guys, so I took a nap.” He explains while looking at the paper bags that are filled with groceries in their hand. “Why was the door locked in the first place?” Malcolm asks. He knew Malcolm probably all of his adult life, he was Jude’s one of the closest, dearest friends. But spending two years without seeing or talking to him is showing its outcomes. Malcolm feels and looks like a stranger to him; someone he needs to trust all over again.

Jude slowly comes back to his senses more and more and as he does, he realizes how monotone the questions sound, how superficial and shallow. Whatever he replies with won’t make a difference to them because the questions are just out of kindness. They have something else in their mind, Jude thinks. “I started getting paranoid lately when it’s just me in the house.” He finally blurts it out, and just like how he thought, they nod and keep looking at him with dilated pupils and unstable breaths. He curses at himself for caring. He wants to be selfish and take Willem into his arms, he wants to touch every single part of him, he wants to bury his nose and smell him, even kiss him. But he doesn’t, he can’t, not when they look so out of character. “What happened to you guys?” Jude asks instead, he is better at lying than them, so he knows they won’t understand how fake his question is as well, just like theirs. They might not know it, but he himself knows. He doesn’t care about what happened to them, he just wants Willem. And that makes him despise himself even more.

“Judy…” Willem exhales, steps into the house, and wraps his arms around Jude tightly, securing him in his place, as if somebody is going to come and snatch him away from them. The moment Willem takes him in his arms, Jude figures out this cannot be real. No matter how real his dreams felt, they never felt this close, this detailed. They were always vague about Willem because no matter how many times he watched Willem's movies or videos, he would be nothing but a blur in his head. How is this real, how are you real?

Willem quickly breaks the embrace, takes Jude’s face into his hands, and kisses his cheek gently. Willem’s lips touching him feels like an award for surviving through all those days without him. “There was an accident.” Willem finally says, “A truck hit the car right in front of us, Jude… Right in front of us. There was blood everywhere.” Willem’s words are disconnected from each other, they had long pauses and it seemed like he didn’t even know what emotions he was feeling, let alone describe them.

He takes a quick small step back to distance himself from Willem. “The driver… didn’t hit you?” he asks while sighing in relief, he almost even smiles, not realizing how stupid and arrogant the question sounds. “What?” Malcolm responds instead, “God no, Jude. Why would you say that?”

He blinks a couple of times and figures he should be surprised, maybe shocked even. But he isn’t, he still remembers every detail, the driver -how could he forget-, his name and what vehicle he drove, what beer company he worked for, and exactly how much money he took from him… “God.” Jude finally speaks and asks the question he already knows the answer of, “How bad was it, Willem.”

Willem. Speaking his name to Willem himself is a paradise he yearned for years. Willem opens his mouth, but words don’t come out of it. Malcolm and Sophie sense his stress and also steps into the house. They all guide Willem to the couch in the living room and Jude goes to the kitchen to take a glass of water for Willem. His steps in the kitchen are so fast, so childishly quick that it doesn’t even take more than ten seconds to give him the glass.

When he has the chance of seeing Willem, any time he spends elsewhere would be wasted time.

“There was a family of four… Two kids.” Malcolm whispers, he is still shaking, “Their poor bodies were all over the ground.”

Sophie shushes Malcolm and looks at Jude, as if Malcolm’s words would affect Jude’s mental state or triggers him in any way. He laughs at Sophie in his mind. I saw all your dead bodies, helped people identify Willem, do you really think some random people would affect me?

“It could’ve been me…” Willem says, he picks his words carefully. He is covering his eyes with his hands, “We stopped at the flower shop on the side of the road,” Willem gives a glance at Jude, “It only took me a minute to get it, Judy. If I didn’t stop there, it would’ve hit us instead.” He says and Jude can feel the tears forming in Willem’s eyes from the way he speaks. Willem doesn’t sound like he is scared he almost died; he sounds guilty. “It could’ve been me…” he had said, but the only reason he said it like that must be because he didn’t want to upset Jude. It should’ve been me, what he was trying to say. He should’ve been the one to get hit, instead of the family.

Soil? Jude thinks, all the horrible, endless nightmare-like days went without Willem was avoided because he was out of a bag of soil? He curses at the universe, or life, or whatever god there may be. Fuck the family who died, Jude thinks selfishly, I already once accepted the fact that I would give up on Malcolm, JB, and Harold all at once just to have you back. And he was back, all because of some stupid soil?

The soil that you asked from him. His conciseness suddenly reminds him. Then the realization comes like boiling water pouring down on his entire body. Was he the reason this happened?

“I’m so sorry, Willem,” Jude speaks, but he is still lying. “How is the driver?” he continues. “The fucker is fine, barely a scratch. Apparently, he was drunk.” Malcolm answers, his words cut like razors, they carry so much anger it almost lits the room on fire, he remembers feeling this same rage once as well. Jude takes Willem’s hands onto his own ones -they feel so tender, rough but warm- “I will see what I can do about this, I promise you…” he comforts Willem, “I will not let him get away with this.”

Of course, these words are nothing but a way to comfort Willem. Jude never went out of his way to work on a case that wasn't introduced to him by the company or colleagues first.

He doesn’t want to act anymore; he wants to care about this family that died. So, he searches into his soul to find the flames he once set on fire, the fire that burned everything that was behind the reason for the car crash. But when you set something tremendous on fire, it doesn't just stop once the job is done. It keeps burning, keeps seeking for more and more to destroy. And what it found next was Jude himself.

He reminds himself of the hatred when he saw the driver's face and how satisfying it felt when he took every single penny from him -and his family- as if it would be enough to buy Willem back from the dead.

He searches and searches, but he can’t find it.

He knows the reason behind it very well; he is simply not angry at the driver, how could he be, after all, he didn’t hit Willem. It wasn’t Willem’s car, Willem was safe. How could he be angry at him? If he was standing next to him right now, Jude might even thank him, “Thank you.” He would say, “Thank you for not picking him this time.”

Who he is angry at isn't the driver anymore. It's himself. He was the reason why they died. And after coming to terms that this was somehow real, Jude feels guilty. 'But Willem is safe,' his mind appears at him for comfort, 'Isn't it worth it, Jude? He is safe and sound. You didn't even know the family.'

It was true, not him or neither Willem knew who they were. But Willem had seen their bodies. All the sorrow and guilt he is going through right now is because of Jude. He is the reason behind Willem's trauma.

The dinner goes awkwardly standard. Conversations die easy and the only constant noise is the forks and knives hitting the plates. Jude tries not to stare at Willem for long periods, to not make him suspicious of anything. Look at your food for 30 seconds, then ask a question to Malcolm that Willem would also answer, then you can look into his eyes as much as you want as he speaks. Finding shortcuts like this was something Jude was good at, so he could fabricate as many excuses to stare at Willem, his home. Not that Willem would mind Jude’s eyes on him, but Jude wanted to act normal. He wasn’t going to reveal what was going on before he finds any clues. That is if he can find any.

Oh, how terribly I missed you, Willem.

In the past two years, he read and memorized Willem’s emails so much so that he could think of how Willem would react in a situation. That was a coping mechanism he figured out a while after Willem’s death. When he sought guidance or needed affection from Willem, he would dive into his mind and let his imagination react as Willem. Willem would do this if he were here, say this and kiss like this. But now, he doesn’t need to do that, or anything similar. He doesn’t need to starve himself to see him or let go of Willem entirely to move on.

Willem is right there, right next to him, and when Willem is next to Jude, he knows he is safe, he knows this is where he is meant to be.

Somehow, none of them realizes there is something wrong with Jude. It is probably because they’re dealing with their demons and struggles right now. This gives some time for Jude to focus on what the hell is going on. But the answers he finds are close to none and the more questions he finds the faster time passes.

Next thing Jude knows, it is time for bed. He already prepared the guest room for Malcolm and Sophie, so he just tells them goodnight and lets them settle there. But even then, even after hours of their arrival, he isn’t ready for sharing a bed with Willem, not yet, not this soon. He can barely go on looking at his eyes without having a heart attack, how is he suppose to lay next to him? So, he busies himself with dishes, then reorganizes some of the kitchen shelves. He spent so long without Willem that the house’s interior changed over the years. He is now used to taking the glasses from the third cabin instead of the first one and the plates from the upper shelf rather than the cabinet below. So, he takes them one by one and adjusts them to how he is used to. But Jude also knows that he can’t stay away from the bedroom forever. Willem is still shocked. Sure, he made a couple of jokes as they were eating dinner or told stories about his latest projects, smiled like how he always does, but Jude knows how good of an actor he is and this is nothing but an act. Willem needs help right now, switching the places of plates and glasses isn’t a good excuse to be away from him. Not when he just got him back.

He counts his steps to the bedroom one by one, when the number reaches thirteen, he is by the door. Jude first knocks on the door -he doesn’t want to scare Willem, just in case- and enters slowly. The room isn’t lit completely. Only the lamp that’s next to Willem’s side of the bed is on and he is half laying on the bed, holding a book Jude knows wouldn’t be interesting to Willem’s liking. His eyes weren’t even on the pages, he was staring at the ceiling.

Willem’s eyes change their location and find Jude, and Jude can see how fast they soften, his heart breaks into million pieces all at once. He quickly builds himself back up but it’s barely holding it together. Hold on Jude, he commands himself, you can’t let him see that you’re struggling, not when he is like this. “Judy…” Willem says, his voice carries all the emotions he was holding back throughout the day. “I’m here, Willem.” He quickly walks towards Willem and holds his hand. Willem’s eyes fill with tears and he closes them shut before he starts crying.

Willem holds back Jude’s hand with his left and onto Jude’s shirt with his right hand. He is fighting himself not to pull Jude in but Jude knows that’s what he actually wants, what he needs right now. So he exhales, doesn’t think about his problems, and lets Willems pull him beside him, next to the arms he belongs.

Willem breaks down, “The family’s kid looked like him.” He whispers. Jude knows Willem wants to shout and break and probably destroy the whole house apart. So why isn’t he? Why is Willem still holding his feelings inside, is it because Malcolm’s here? Or is it because of Jude?

“Who?” Jude whispers, covering Willem’s back with his arms and forming a hug. “Willem it’s okay, I’m right here. Talk to me.” He says and Willem inhales hesitantly and blurts a word out, but he can’t finish his sentence. “Hem…” he manages to say, and that is enough for Jude to understand.

Hemming.

Of course, he knows who Hemming is, he has heard his name maybe hundreds of times from Willem’s childhood memories. Willem’s past was never a closed box, Jude has heard snippets of his home, his family, and about his brother many many times. His eyes would lose their focus each time he mentioned his brother as if he is trying to imagine himself there with him. From what Jude knows, Hemming was a good person, yes he couldn’t react or do things like a regular person would do but he gave comfort to Willem and Jude was forever grateful for that.

But whenever he hears stories about Hemming, he feels as if he is learning more about Willem than his brother. How Willem would take him on walks each morning and tell him stories when it was sleep time. He learns it again and again, how kind Willem is, how pure-hearted he must be to take care of his older brother like that, with so much passion. So, each time the topic of Willem’s past comes up, Jude finds himself falling for him all over again.

Sometimes, he wondered if Willem was interested in being friends with Jude because he reminded him of Hemming. That thought occurred more and more after Willem confessed to him. Was he seeing something in Jude that would remind him of Hemming? Was he imagining his brother whenever Jude needed help psychically? After all, Willem helped dozens of kids who had disabilities, and wasn’t that because they reminded him of his brother?

Thankfully, Jude later figured out that wasn’t the case. He tried testing him many times. Just like the time he tested if Harold was one hundred percent sure about adopting him. He sometimes used his wheelchair in the house even when he didn’t need to, he used his legs as an excuse to cancel scheduled important events, would go out of his way to let Willem help with things that Jude would normally be able to do. These things weren’t something he was used to doing, -getting help from others made him feel weak, but this wasn’t getting help; this was to observe- then, he would look at Willem, see the expression on his face. Was it similar to Caleb’s? Was Willem seeing his disabilities, not as his personality but as something that was standing in the way of being himself?

But however many times he looked at Willem, he saw no difference. Not even once, not even if he was tired or angry. It was as if Willem was seeing Jude as a whole, as if each and every single part of his personality was required to be on the stage to complete “Jude”. He was certain of it when he tested him for the last time. They were fighting -Who knows about what, it’s been so long since Willem died that all their fights feel insignificant-, and Jude struggled to take a file he needed to grab from the shelf, he couldn’t reach. Of course, like many times in the past, his legs were aching -they weren’t amputated yet- and Jude just couldn’t grab them.

He tried and tried and eventually gave up, their words were still on the air, arguing and shouting and trying to force their opinions onto each other. Then Willem got up, took the file Jude couldn’t reach, gave it to him, and returned, arguing as if nothing had happened. That’s when Jude understood, it meant nothing to Willem.

If Willem took pity on Jude's disability and stopped the fight once he saw him struggling, then Jude would know how it was just a barrier. But Willem never saw it like that. The struggles that came with Jude were a part of Jude, not something that should be excluded.

In the bedroom, they stay in that position for a while, Willem’s crying slowed down. Tears left their spot for soft whimpers and sobs. Their position changed as well; The hug turned into sleeping in each others arms. Jude feels extremely lucky that Willem is in no state of realizing how fast his heart is beating. Because if he did, Willem would get up and rush him to Andy, assuming Jude was having a heart attack.

But he can’t go on like this either, he missed Willem. Their usual position in bed -Willem hugging Jude’s back- doesn’t feel enough, not when Jude can only see the walls. Jude wants more of Willem, all of him.

So, he does something that he never did before, he slowly turns around -Willem gets surprised as well, but he doesn’t react- and lets Willem’s hands get free of him. He doubts for a second, not because he is afraid he would be unable to, but because he might not handle being this close to Willem after everything. Not now, Jude scolds himself to take action, not when you got your second chance.

They lay on the bed, facing each other for god knows how long. Then, Jude closes the distance, burying his head onto Willem’s chest and hugging him so tight that Willem lets out a soft sound. He inhales, taking in Willem’s warmth and scent -Oh how different and cheap the perfume's smell felt now- but he needs more, he pulls onto Willem even more and their bodies feel as if they are one. It takes a couple of seconds for Willem to react. He first kisses Jude’s hair, then hugs him back. They are both crying silently, but being next to each other is enough comfort for them to know that they are safe and whatever they’re fighting for isn’t stronger than them.

Jude cries and cries and cries. For what he went through these last two years, for having Willem back, and most importantly, for the endless guilt of being the reason for killing a family.

He can tell Willem is asleep now, his breathing is in sync, and Willem’s fingers don’t draw circles around his shoulder anymore. He wants this moment to never end, if he had the power, he would take the chance of freezing and staying in this exact moment forever, sacrificing everything else about his life without a doubt. But he knows he can’t.

He knows that the past two years without Willem wasn’t some sort of an ever-lasting nightmare or an effect of sickness. He remembers reading about a man falling asleep and dreaming an entire life for himself. The man would meet a woman, marry her, and have two kids. After he wakes up the next morning, he doesn’t even realize that the life he woke up to wasn’t the bed he shared with his wife. He had no wife to begin with, it was all a dream.

But Jude knows this isn’t what happened with him. It can’t be fake; the reason he knows this leads to the root of many of his problems; his past. Jude’s past has never been a passive observer, it never waited until Jude gave an opening to attack. They were always on the hunt, trying to break all of Jude’s defence’s at once, jumping and dashing forward, biting every inch of the walls Jude built up over the years. That’s why his past has always been with him, he carries them with him. Every day with Brother Luke and every step he took running away from Dr. Traylor.

It feels like all of the days without Willem emerged into one and joined those monsters, they formed an alliance with the other monsters there and attacked at once. They are all trying to find their way back in, to feed until they can’t do it anymore.

The monsters never came from things that were fake or imaginary, they were always real -except for that one time Jude imagined Harold taking advantage of him, but that was due to a fever- The creature that the past two years turned into is massive, probably way bigger than any other monster lurking around Jude’s head. He knows they can’t be fake or just an imagination of the mind. He is sure of it, they were real.

What he is not sure of is how he is going to go on. How different the events are going to be with all of them still alive? All the time travel movies he has seen in his life often dealt with the “Butterfly Effect”; even a change of something affecting the future drastically. But Jude isn’t worried about that, whatever challenges life throws at him, he knows he can handle it when Willem is next to him.

Then Jude realizes. If he wasn’t embraced by Willem’s arms so tightly, he would even get up from the information his mind just came up with;

He has lived through the worst.

A life without Willem , a life where he disappointed every single person that has ever known and cared for him. A life that took him to the day where he sat on that cold bathroom floor and forced a syringe into his artery willingly. The things he felt back then are what he is feeling now but he is suddenly more self-aware this time.

If how he lived his life the way he wanted it turned out like this -the worst case scenario, without a doubt- then even the smallest difference he would make from now on would only make things for the better.

What if he spoke about his feelings more, or smiled more, or forced to take part in a social event Willem wanted them to join this time? What if he just went to Harold and hugged him -they haven't done that since Caleb-, what if he thanked -instead of apologizing- Andy for all the trouble he has caused him. This and this and this and this and this. What’s the worst thing that could happen? He already successfully killed himself once.

Jude promises himself that no matter what he does from now on, he will not let the same ending happen to him, not again. He doesn’t know what gave him this second chance, he might never even find out, but it doesn’t matter. He has been given one and is not going to waste it.

He spends the entire night watching Willem asleep. His fingers are so curious, touch starved yet so shy that it takes him hours to go from Willem’s shoulders to his chest. It is pitch black, so he can’t see him at all, but he knows he is there, he can hear his soothing breathing and his chest rising slowly. His warmth is radiating, and it feels as if it is creating a shield around Jude’s body. He doesn’t need to fight the demons and monsters all alone now, he has Willem’s strength and protection with him. And he hopes his own warmth is providing the same thing to Willem.

He needs to change, and change seems so easy when Willem is still next to him. Even if the change is the slightest, smallest act, it can’t ever get worse than the ending he got.

The butterfly effect, he reminds himself.

Then, for the first time since Willem's death, Jude St. Francis falls asleep peacefully.

the end.

[AN]

This series... Jude is an amazing character, I think Hanya Yanagihara portrayed the "If you don't seek help, this is what happens" theme very well and this fic is in no way to insult her writing, I'm not saying my version is better or the right ending for the book! I'm just a sucker for characters getting the ending they deserve so I'm putting my own spin on this, in my version of the ending, Jude decides to seek the help he needs.

I hope you liked this!! Writing Willem and Jude supporting each other was SUCH a therapy for me. This book affected me so much and being able to give them some comfort is the only thing helping me accept the ending of the book without making me go through an existential crisis. Thank you SO SO much for taking your time to read this fic. If you enjoyed it, leaving a comment would mean the world to me, I would love to hear your opinions on it!

I'm really not sure if I'll continue this series, I think there's space for one more chapter where Jude meets the rest of the characters. Writing a character that's so beautifully and carefully written was very difficult, I had to pause writing and ask myself if Jude would think like this or if he did, what would be the reason behind it. I hope they didn't feel out of character to you. Thank you!!!

65 notes · View notes

unfoldingdaydreams · 4 years ago

Text

— Hanya Yanagihara, from A Little Life

7K notes · View notes

unfoldingdaydreams · 4 years ago

Text

Starstruck on the Red Carpet - Book Update

Hello everyone!

It’s been a long while (2 years, to be exact), i don’t even know if any of you remember the fanfic I wrote some years ago, but I recently got into book binding and wanted to share the result of it with you as well!

Starstruck on the Red Carpet is probably the only fiction I’ve started writing and actually end up finishing. It means the worlds to me and I’m SO lucky that I was able to share it with such a supportive&positive community.

Of course, as I was re-reading it, I’ve spotted TONS OF mistakes and writing faults. There were a lot potential storylines I could’ve dived into (like y/n tricking Tom, and Blake’s whole character arc) but I don’t wanna go too hard on the story. Yes there are parts where I cringed reading but it still has cute scenes in it and it’s very meaningful and special to me.

I wanted to also use here to thank all of you who has read my story, knowing that my first&only fanfiction that I’ve shared has reached into people makes me super happy. I will always appreciate all of you.

If you still remember the series and have any memories&thoughts on it, please feel free to share here. I would love to talk about it.

Here is how the book has turned out to be;

#tom holland #tom #fanfiction #book #binding #fanfic #fanficbinding #book binding #peter parker #starstruck #tom holland fanfiction #throwback

0 notes

unfoldingdaydreams · 6 years ago

Note

Okay, I’m so sorry for my late reply, I’ve actually seen it and read the entire thing like 3 times and had to pace around my room for a while from being incredibly grateful and happy. I took the time to reply because I wanted to read the story after I’ve read your tips, opinions, and critiques, oh my god, everything clicked instantly.

Thank you so so much, I’ve never gotten a text this long and detailed about something I’ve created and I promise I’ll remember it forever! The fact that you’ve spent time reading my story and writing about it makes me happy that I’ve written it in the first place.

About the pros of my story, thank you so much. I agree on you about the side characters and I was so happy that you noticed them. And my gosh, the fact that you said I stayed in character at different actors made me feel so happy, that’s all I could’ve ever asked for.

About the cons, thank you from the bottom of my heart. I really needed all of them. And I agree on you so much, I always followed this “well yes the writing is off and I don’t know how I’ll fix it so I’ll just fix the words I’ve misspelled and hope for the best” method so you were spot on right about my grammar. About the paragraphs and the methods you’ve mentioned, I’ll write a note and stick it to my wall to remember them every time I’m writing. They are so helpful and I’m forever grateful for them.

And it is so nice of you to offer help to me, I hope I’m not being selfish or anything by accepting it, I really need help and would love to get help from you (and get to know you as well in the process so we can be friends!), so I hope you don’t mind me texting you about my small grammar errors that I noticed but couldn’t fix or for random tips

Thank you so much once more, I feel so lucky and motivated from your text and it means the worlds to me.

Hi!! So can I just say how much in love I am with your blog? My theme was very old so I updated it thanks to your help! That really means a lot to me and your fic recs are always so spot on for me! I also write a Tom Holland x Reader fanfic named "Starstruck on the Red Carpet" and it honestly would be like a dream come true to hear your opinions&thoughts on it. Thank you so much!!

Hello my love! First of all, thank you so much for your lovely and kind words! I’m so glad you find my recs helpful and it’s great that I was able to help you with your theme (which is gorgeous, by the way. Nice job).

I’m so sorry it took me so long to answer this ask but I wanted to read the entire fic and the sequel before I did so you got my full thoughts on it, so here we go! (It’s incredibly long and for that I’m sorry.)

Keep reading

6 notes · View notes

unfoldingdaydreams · 6 years ago

Text

Darling, I’m Yours Final Part [starstruck on the red carpet sequel]

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Featuring: Every Avengers: Infinity War Actor

Summary: It’s been two years since you’ve interviewed the Infinity Wars cast, and everything has been going great ever then. With every friend of yours helping you whenever you need them, there is just something you can’t help but notice, Tom Holland’s attitude towards you.

Warning: This story has a slow progression, which means it will be focused more on feelings and character developments, I like to keep my stories detailed and imaginable as much as possible. I used the prons ‘’she’’-‘’her’’ in the story but you can imagine it in every way you like! Thank you!!

Words long: 3500

Chapters: 3/3

Completed: Yes!

Important!: This is a sequel to an already finished series of mine, “Starstruck on the Red Carpet”, even though you don’t have to read it to understand this, it will help you for sure! It tells how y/n and Tom met, and the details of the side characters!

Here are the chapters of Starstruck on the Red Carpet!

PART 1- PART 2 - PART 3 - PART 4 - PART 5 – PART 6 – PART 7 – PART 8 – PART 9 – PART 10 - PART 11 – PART 12 – PART 13 -

–

Darling, I’m Yours.

PART 1 – PART 2 - PART 3

(I drew fanart for Tom&Elijah as college buddies at the end, feel free to check that as well)

“You… like Y/N too?” Tom hesitantly asked while wandering around Elijah’s eyes. His words were heavy to Tom because he was just rambling about y/n for half an hour and if Elijah did the same to Tom, Tom thought that it probably would bother him a lot. So seeing how chill Elijah was about this really caught Tom off guard.

“Well…” he scratched his neck, “The short answer is yes.”

Tom raised an eyebrow, “What do you mean a short answer?”

“Tom, I’ve known Y/N since the party day, you know, 2 years ago.” Elijah said sarcastically. “Then she started working in the same company that I did, asked me to be her cameramen and after that, we were practically together every single day. We’ve done everything together.”

Tom nodded, seeing someone else’s thoughts and feelings for a person he… liked very much felt weird. He wouldn’t say jealousy but it was close to something like that. “You can’t expect me to have a crush on her hopelessly for two years when I get to see her every day, do you?” Elijah asked.

“Do you… love her?” Tom muttered, a little bothered about the question he asked. Instead of answering, Elijah spat the coffee he was drinking “Oh my – god… No, Tom. I don’t… Jesus.” He took a napkin and wiped his hand. “I could see that she only saw me as a friend so I tried to block my feelings for her… and to be honest, it worked. With time, I realized I fit her better as a friend, and she did to me as well…” Elijah paused, smiling faintly, “The reason I said yes is that if she was interested in me in that way, I wouldn’t say no to her even today.”

Tom went back at his chair. “I see… So… you don’t think it’s awkward for me to talk about how much she means to me?” he asked shyly. “No man, it’s all fine! And to be honest, I don’t think she would refuse your date offer. She seems pretty interested and close to you.” Elijah added while finishing his coffee.

“That’s.. Wow, thanks Elijah!” Tom beamed, “I was worried this conversation was going to turn into us fighting who would win Y/N” he laughed, making Elijah laugh as well. “Oh no, no, I support you two.”

“Okay… Back to topic.. if you don’t mind, of course?” Tom asked while making his phone slowly spin around his fingers, Elijah nodded. “You probably expect me to say this after all my rambling…but I was going to ask for your help about Y/N… I want to ask her to be my girlfriend… in the best way possible.”

Elijah smiled, it was noticeably a sad smile, y/n and he were close friends, maybe best friends? He was sure that Y/N would make him… really happy, but you can’t force someone’s feelings… He knew that very well. “Of course, Tom. I’ll make sure you won’t suck at it.”

Thinking Tom Holland hiding his girlfriend from you just because you were working with media frustrated you. Even though it wasn’t for sure and that it has already been 2 solid minutes you came up with that idea. “Jesus Christ get a hold of yourself Y/N” you confronted yourself, you couldn’t just make assumptions about him, it could be millions of other things. So you got up, then sat right back when you got a notification to your phone.

@tomholland2013 just shared a post.

You were at %1 so you ran to your charger and plugged your phone in, sat next to your bed and opened the notification.

It was Tom, posing with a blonde little girl, smiling to the camera. The picture was… beautiful. Tom’s smile reached to his eyes and you could obviously see that the little girl was holding onto dear life not to burst into tears from happiness. “Hah, Spidey, you always have a soft spot for taking pictures with kids, don’t you?” you murmured to yourself. It was such a sincere moment captured that you couldn’t help but to smile. The caption was “Her phone was dead so we had to use my phone to take a picture. Wanted to share it with all of you”

“You’re a softie, Tom.” You commented on the picture, giggling at your own words, and almost instantly, he replied back with “No you are.”

“Awh.” You chuckled, looking at the picture. They were both obviously in a cafe. A cafe that looked very familiar to you… Wait. In fact, it was a cafe in London. It was very close to work so you always dropped by to get a coffee there. But more importantly, Elijah and you were there just…what, a few hours ago?

So Tom… was in the same place Elijah was. “Interesting.” You thought out loud. The photo could be old as well but you knew Tom loved uploading photos fast so that thought was automatically canceled. Tom and Elijah… Weird. So were they together or it was a total coincidence?

You got up, a few words clicked in your brain and you didn’t even need to hesitate about them.

Tom and Elijah, in a cafe.

Tom and Elijah.

Tom hiding his girlfriend from you.

Tom and Elijah lying to you on the same day.

Tom’s secret girlfriend.

“Oh shit.” You thought out loud.

“Please, can I have a picture?” a random girl shouted amongst others. “Of course, darlin’. Come here.” Said the handsome guy who played Spider-Man. “Oh my god thank you so much.” The girl said and embraced Tom, posing a picture and making duck lips. This wasn’t rare, they were shooting a scene for Far From Home and some fans exposed the area on Twitter, causing a massive fan-media-interviewers to rush there.

Like you said, this wasn’t rare. It happened all the time. This didn’t bother you though. You were used to this and Tom already texted you the address like an hour before the tweet so you already had your pictures/questions.

You just went back and watched the crowd scream for Tom. He was wearing his Spidey costume and he looked… well, hot.

Way to go, Y/N. Of course, a friend can think of another friend “hot and attractive” you thought sarcastically. Having these thoughts for Tom was no surprise since they were very common for you from the first night you’ve met him. You learned how to push them inside and deal with them later, for now, you just admired him posing with other fans and answering quick questions.

It’s been three solid weeks since you had the idea of him having a secret lover and hiding things from you. And as time passed, it unfortunately only got stronger. He would sneak out, text later, hide things that you didn’t understand.. at all. You felt like he was slipping away and you could do nothing but to watch it happen. You couldn’t do anything. You were still.. you, and the person who was changing was Tom. You were angry at yourself though, you kind of had to know that this would happen. He was an actor. A good and a famous actor. Of course, he would move on. This thought bothered you from time to time but you learned to deal with it.

But as you looked at the person who was standing right next to you, looking at the pictures he had taken a while back, you certainly didn’t learn how to deal with Elijah hiding things from you. He was disappearing as well, not so much as Tom but it was obvious. Him being like this raised A LOT of questions that you simply couldn’t answer.

After around ten minutes, you got bored and went to where Tom was drinking his coke right before his last shootings. It was a weird feeling that even the security knew who you two were, they just let you in and you two walked next to Tom, he was busy texting someone.

“Oi, Spidey.” You flicked his cheek gently, “You don’t even notice us anymore, huh?”

“Ah, darlin’, anybody who doesn’t notice you would be a plain idiot.” He winked, giving you one of his flirty looks. “Got any good questions?”

“Oh yeah I already asked all of them to you, I think with Elijah’s footage, we’ll make it big today, thanks to you.” You smiled and gave a thumbs up. Why does it feel awkward why does it feel awkward. “Hah, no doubt to that, it’s always a pleasure to work with you.” Tom smiled back. You raised an eyebrow, exploring Tom’s eyes. “You see me as work, Holland, is that what you’re saying?” Your voice had a sarcastic tone in it, but that didn’t mean you were slightly serious about it. You needed a proper answer to that. “Where’d you get that idea from? Of course I don’t, Y/N.” He paused, “I’m just trying to help you out, and even without that, you’re too precious to be called work.”

Tom had always flirted jokingly to you, hell, it even was a daily thing between you, but his words always made your cheeks burn. This time, things weren’t so different. You were going to apologize to him.. if he didn’t give a weird look to Elijah. Wait.

What was that look? It was just for a second but you didn’t miss it… was that an “is this okay?” look

Why did Tom need to give Elijah that look? Was it to check if his words were appropriate. Ugh, this is getting so weird. Did they really think you hadn’t noticed? “Can I… uhm, have a word with you?” Tom made your thought bubble pop, “Oh, sure?” you lifted your chin back, but surprisingly, you weren’t the person Tom was looking at. Tom was looking at directly into Elijah’s eyes. “Ah, sorry y/n, just want to talk to El about… the footage he had taken to see if I’m… handsome as always.” Tom scratched his neck and chuckled.

You were gonna let them go, you really did. But now that you thought about how distant they acted these couple of days, how they lied to you time to time.. this was it. You were too tired for all this crap and you deserved an explanation.

“Okay.. look…” you squeezed your dress with your hands. “I know what’s going on here…” you bluntly said. “I don’t think you could even hide it any worst.”

“Y-you do?” Tom asked, his voice got lost with full of uncertainty and you could feel Elijah tensing up as well. “Yes, Tom, I do.” You blew a strain of hair that fell to your face. “I’ve watched you two talking secretly and lying to me… for WEEKS.” You said out loud, you weren’t shouting though, it was more like giving an ironic speech, still, it got some attention from other people who were waiting to pose with Tom. “So I’m done. Either you give me an explanation about this or I’m out until you two figure this out.” You lowered your voice, you didn’t want to leak out anything before they were ready for it… and this kind of a topic would only be their business.

“I…” Tom looked at Elijah, his costume was tight and looked amazing on him as he turned his body towards Elijah but you did your best to not stare at that. “El?” Tom asked as if Elijah could find a better explanation. “Well, Y/N” Elijah nervously chuckled, “The thing is.. Tom and I were..”

“Yeah, yeah” you rolled your eyes. “I know that you two are… dating. That’s old news. What I’m wondering is why you two are trying SO hard to keep it as a secret from me.”

There was a solid silence. Almost even for a minute, it was awkward and weird, Tom just kept looking at Elijah and you, and Elijah did the same. “Is it because I’m with media? Is it that you fear I’ll post about it in my stupid blog or company?” Okay, you were practically shouting,you probably needed somewhere private to talk about this but you made sure you didn’t talk about them being together. “Huh Elijah?” you turned towards him and his surprised eyes, “We were together… every day for a year, and even you don’t trust me enough for this?” You exhaled, calm down, calm down, you’re turning this into a scene. “So just explain me th-‘’

“Oh my god.” Tom burst into laughter, hiding his face to his hands and bending a little, while Elijah just pointed Tom and himself with his index finger as if he was saying “Me and Tom…?” over and over again, taking away all of your anger in a second.

“Y/N…” Tom wiped a tear, “That’s the best thing I’ve heard this wee- no no, this whole month.” He started laughing again, “You really thought that we were datingthis whole time?”

“I- I mean…” you crossed your arms slowly, “You gave me all the hints… Lying to me AT the same time, disappearing.. AT the same time…”

“Ah, darlin’… No, don’t worry, I can assure you we’re not dating.” He smiled, but then his smile fainted into a serious expression, then held your arm gently, looking at you directly in the eye. His perfume hit your nose, “Do you think I would hide something from you just because you’re an interviewer?” he didn’t even blink, “I.. I don’t know Tom, you lied to m-”

“Believe me Y/N, you’re so much more than that to me. I would hate myself if I did that to you. Ever.Understand?”

The way Tom’s brain worked was simple. He would call everyone “darling”, it was his thing, everybody knew about it, there were even memes about it in the web, Tom would only use names for important incidents.. and hearing your name so many times right now made you gulp. This was serious.

You exhaled. “I’m sorry Tom, okay? I truly am.” Looking at Tom’s eyes like this were hard. But as he held your arm, as he looked at you so deeply, it would be simply disrespecting him to look away. So you did, you looked into his eyes. “I get anxious when it comes to you.” You confessed, “I sometimes get scared that you’re slipping away from me and that I can do nothing about it. So when I felt you were lying to me and disappearing like that, I just thought you… well, that you care more for what was written about you than me.”

Tom’s eyes were deeply mesmerizing, you gave him that. They were beautiful and stunning. So seeing them locked in yours felt magical. After all you two have been through, after sitting in that bench at the night you two met, this was where you two had ended up. In the street, in front of thousands of fans. Tom came closer to your ear, whispering “I’m sorry”. Then put his hands on your face, looking at you as if he was… looking into magic. You suddenly felt flames raging, cheeks burning, body shivering, you two were never this close. So, of course, your body went on full alarm mode, trying to find a way out as he looked at you so deeply. “It’s- it’s okay Tom. Hah, I mean.. we- we’re f-friends so these things happen.”

But before you could keep going, his voice cut yours, “No, I wasn’t apologizing for that, I was apologizing for this. I know you don’t like attention so you’ll have to forgive me for that.” You felt Elijah stepping back. “For what, I don’t under-‘’

But he cut your words once more, this time, not with talking back, but pressing his lips onto yours.

Thousands of little explosions went out in your body as if you were electrocuted. You didn’t know what was going on, your body didn’t know what was happening either, you were so lost in the moment that you could barely remember to close your eyes. Your hands immediately wrapped him from the back. Your lips melted in his and he closed the distance between you once more as if that was possible. You daydreamed this moment so much that this happening right now made you drunk.

After what felt like an eternity, you two let go to breathe. You opened your eyes slowly to see him looking at you as if he was some sort of a demi-god. His hair was now a little messy and his eyes were… burning. “You don’t have to worry about me keeping secret lovers from you.” He gently massaged your cheek with his hands, “Darling, I’m all yours.”

It took you some time to hear all the claps and “oh my god”s surrounding you. Oh shit.

Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit.

Reality kicked in and you remembered your position and where you… were. I just kissed Tom Holland. You looked at Tom and his victories smile. I just kissed this guy who is wearing an incredibly hot costume. “I.. just kissed you.” You said out loud. WAIT. That wasn’t supposed to be out loud. “I mean…. You kissed me.. but…” you failed to finish your own sentence. “I kissed you, but you kissed back.” He leaned on the pole next to him, smiling to you so brightly that you wondered how he didn’t shine.

You slowly turned back and found yourself against thousands of people staring at you back, clapping, booing, recording and god knows even live streaming. You immediately turned to Tom when your rational senses came back to you. “Tom, no no. I’m sorry, This wasn’t supposed to happen here. I- Everybody knows… I..” once again, you were stuck, not being able to word your words. He stopped leaning on the pole, “You’re apologizing because I did this in front of people?” he looked around, “Y/N, that’s why I did it here. You think I would choose how I look at media over you and that’s wrong. I wanted to prove you that it was. Fuck who I look like in the media. I don’t want to look good and wantable to media. I want to look good and wantable to you. So please, go out with me.”

“WHAT?!” A random girl shouted, “Tom is asking some girl out in public!” and a round of another applause happened.

You finally realized you were tearing up so you just wiped your eyes real quick. Don’t ruin this moment Y/N. Not this one. “So..” you chuckled and tears came back, “You’re actually asking me out, Holland, huh?”

“The moment I saw you on that red carpet, shining. You made me starstruck to you, darlin” he answered, looking at you, then Elijah. “Elijah told me how insecure you felt about me choosing media over you so he came up with this idea.” He admitted, “So what’s your answer?”

Elijah’s idea… “My answer.” You thought out loud. It was a yes, I mean, come on y/n, of course, it was a yes. “First of all.” You began talking, then took your right heel out, looked at Elijah and threw it full force to him. “You came up with the idea of embarrassing me in front of thousands?” you shouted, making Elijah jump and say “Ouch Jesus Chris-‘’ but before he could finish it, you threw another heel at him back. “You’re so stupid I cannot believe you!” you shouted half laughing, half-mad, and turned to Tom. “And you agreed to do that?” and fastly started walking towards him.

“I- I swear y/n, Elijah tricked me into doing this” he started walking backward, he almost tripped but managed to stay up “He forced me, please don’t throw anything at me!” he covered his face with his arms. You giggled and paused, admiring him once more. Then you slowly unraveled his arms from his face, “No, I won’t throw anything at you.” You took a second to explore the features of his face with your eyes. “I’ll do this instead.” And closed the distance, this time, it was you who went for the kiss.

Yes, Thomas. Since the day we’ve met, since you thought I was an actress, since the night we’ve sat at that bench, looking at the stars, since everything, it’s always been yes. My answer is yes.

the end.

well, kind of.

Taglist:

@ssweet-empowerment

@clairesrainbow @treshmae@miathefangirlwriter @casualprincess77@neerdyreedheead @rivedale @aelin-firehearts-court@nerdyphantomlady @kahnacademyforfun @swissgirl10@ashleykh @imaginationgotmegood @itsredheadpanda@theguildenark @shakaholland @supernatural-padfoot@gummybears-loves-it @dark-night-sky-99

@wemettonight @mandylove1000 @popluckbih@treshmae @tomshufflepuff @imhereforthewaffles@stephie-senpai @potter-thinking

#tom holland fanfiction #tom holland x reader #tom holland x y/n #tom holland x you #tom holland imagine #tom holland story #tom holland au #fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #infinity war #infinity war fanfic

25 notes · View notes

unfoldingdaydreams · 7 years ago

Text

Darling, I’m Yours Part 2 [starstruck on the red carpet sequel]

Pairing: Tom Holland x Reader

Featuring: Every Avengers: Infinity War Actor

Words long: 2000

Chapters: 2:/2

A/N: Please don’t forget to also watch the video at the end!<3

Completed: No

Here are the chapters of Starstruck on the Red Carpet!

PART 1- PART 2 - PART 3 - PART 4 - PART 5 – PART 6 – PART 7 – PART 8 – PART 9 – PART 10 - PART 11 – PART 12 – PART 13 -

Darling, I’m Yours.

PART 1 – PART 2 - PART 3

Ooff so alright, I just realized it has been 8 months since the last update. 8 MONTHS?! I was like “Oh my god I’m a terrible person” so I got inspired real fast and wrote this. I’m so terribly sorry. I’ll finish this properly. I really care for all of you so I feel very disappointed in myself. I hope this will make up for it.

It’s been so long so here is what happened in a summary;

Tom thought you were an actress in the red carpet, and then you interviewed him with Chris Hemsworth. A guy named Elijah was really helping you out and handling the camera work. After the interview, Tom assisted you until Nath (your mom’s best friend) came to pick you up. But before that, you joined a party with the rest of the cast and Robert posted a picture of all of you with the cast to his story, tagging you. 2 Years has passed and Tom and you are best friends. Elijah and you are also still working together and you are a famous interviewer. After Tom and Elijah lied to you about where they were, you went home to get ready for your next interview. But Tom and Elijah secretly met up.

BY THE WAY, I DREW ELIJAH AT THE END AS AN APOLOGY, MAKE SURE TO CHECK HIM

PART 2

Once more, you found yourself spending too much time in your bed. You had too much to do and at this point, you knew you couldn’t finish anything anyway from spending time. ‘Mind as well do nothing today.’ You thought to yourself. You rolled in your bed once more, something was off and it bothered you. You found your phone after a while of searching it in the lost waves of your sheets. “Great, I’m at %2” you murmured. Instead of unlocking your phone, your eyes kept locked in the wallpaper of your phone. It was the photo you were very familiar seeing, but also a one that you were never tired of. It was the photo Robert had taken back when you were just an intern, standing and posing with the whole cast of Infinity War

You would usually have a nostalgic smile on your face every time you see that picture.. but not this time. This time, you couldn’t help yourself but look at Tom.

After a worrying minute of staring, you sighed loudly and rolled once again. Then you got up, your hair was too messy because of rolling around in the bed for an hour. You couldn’t care less about it though. Now that you think about it, you didn’t even care that you had an interview around tonight. What you cared about was Tom. Well, not directly Tom, more specifically why he so obviously lied to you.

You wouldn’t mind him lying to you at all but Elijah lying to you as well? It was just impossible not to bother.

Tom said he wasn’t at London when he really was... Why?

You tried doing empathy... If i was to hide my location from someone, why would I? You rubbed your eyes and sat down next to your windows, near to the heater. “Well, if I had a secret lover, that’s why I would do it.” This obvious thought came to you flying, since you were an over-dramatic person, having the most overdramatic thought didn’t surprise you.

“But why would he hide his girlfriend from me?” you thought out loud. You knew he was a celebrity and hiding his girlfriend from the media would be TOTALLY acceptable... but hiding it from you? That hurt. Because if he was hiding it from you... that meant he even might be paranoid about you leaking this info the media because of your job. You gave yourself a minute to let that thought sink in.

Does he only see me as an interviewer acquainted?

“Ugh.. I’m such an idiot.” You sighed while looking at your phone’s wallpaper that was about to die any second. Even if he liked you as a friend, he had to be careful because of your job... but didn’t he trust you even the slightest? Were you just a fun interviewer who was fun to hang out with time to time and that’s it? Yep, now that you think through it, that was probably it.

An interviewer.

And Nath thought he would die to be my friend... “Hey Nath, he is not dying to be my friend, so thanks for the heads-up” you yelled ironically. How could he love to be my friend when he didn’t even trust me enough to tell me his location?

What bothered you the most was not any of the above though.. What bothered you the most was how much those thoughts hurt you...

The horns and voices of people walking around could be heard from almost all the streets of London, however, the cafe that Elijah and Y/N were sitting was still somehow quiet enough for today. A guy walked inside of the cafe, searching for a table.

The table that Elijah was still sitting after Y/N was gone.

“Hey, man!” Elijah turned his face to the door, seeing the one and only..

..Tom Holland.

“Hey Tom, how is everything going?” they went for a quick hug, “Cool cool, it’s all great man!”

Tom took his jacket in his hand and then hang it to the back of the chair, sitting against Elijah.

Elijah could see the nervousness on Tom’s face, hell, even the people who were in here who didn’t know him probably could as well.

“Thanks for coming, Elijah. It really means a lot to me.” Tom quickly explained, “You know, I.. I kind of needed you.. to talk.”

“Uh huh..” Elijah nodded, placing both of his arms on the table, “It’s alright, Tom. Really! I was free all day anyway, so, what is the reason you wanted to talk to me this afternoon?”

Tom looked into Elijah’s eyes, he didn’t know if he could just trust him out of the blue. But he also knew that y/n trusted him enough. So he was going to decide to trust Elijah as well.

“Elijah, before I say anything, can you just promise me not to tell y/n about this before I do?”

Elijah made an “hmm” voice as he got into a more comfortable position, “What do I look like to you? An idiot?” he smiled, “Of course man, your business is your business.”

Tom sighed out of relief, “Thanks..”

“So, how could I help you?” Elijah asked while ordering a coffee.

“It shouldn’t be too hard to understand this, but it is about y/n.”

Elijah nodded slowly, “Yeah, I figured.” Something about Elijah’s voice and eye contact was so magical. Even Tom could feel that Elijah was kind of person you would prefer to have long and understanding conversations, he seemed like a person who would just listen and give you advice whenever you needed him. Even Tom could see that.

“I met her at the red carpet of Infinity War Part: 1. She first hid his identity from me... So I thought she was an actress who played a small role in the movie.” Tom laughed to himself while maintaining eye contact with Elijah, “But then I figured she was an interviewer. I thought she fooled me, you know?” Tom raised his eyebrows. Elijah nodded and only made an “hmm hmm” sound. “So I was quite angry at her. I thought she even used me, hah... But then I saw how sad she was and how... fragile she looked. It was like if she didn’t succeed at that interview she had with Chris and me, she would just break apart...”

“Yeah, she probably would, Tom. Thank you for that. She was really nervous that day, it was her first day, and a guy named Blake was really pressuring her. He is quite experienced. You know him, right?”

“Fucking Blake,” Tom said while rolling his eyes, that pimp who thought himself so highly that respected no one. Elijah quickly got out of his comfortable pose and made a rushed “shhh” while coming closer to you, “Language, Tom. There are kids here.”

Tom looked around the faces looking at him. He silently murmured “sorry” and went back to Elijah. “She was just a casual girl to be honest. Pretty ordinary, beautiful in her own ways.. but I liked that about her, how nervous she sometimes got, how funny and understanding she was. It was natural... And believe me, I don’t get ‘natural’ people around me when they know who I am that much.”

Elijah took a sip and nodded, “Yeah, must be a stressing life, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Tom chuckled, “All I do is act and don’t get me wrong, I love it... but sometimes, it kind of gets lonely.. you know? But when I’m with her, I just don’t.”

Tom hid his face in his hands, “That sounds so corny I know but it just is the truth...” Tom looked at Elijah’s eyes. “I was even shy to her that I wasn’t able to get myself to find the next text to write her after the interview... Everything felt precious and that I had to make every word perfect. The day we spent together was so perfect that I didn’t want to choose the wrong word or something to ruin that.”

“After keep meeting with her, I realized I was mistaken. Because I could see in her eyes that she didn’t need perfect, it was like she was enjoying my company and that even if none of us spoke a word, it wouldn’t be boring...” Tom chuckled.

“Yeah, I would call that rare,” Elijah added, waiting for Tom to go on.

“But then, I found myself staring at her more. Not at once, but in time, I just found myself getting lost at her while she was complaining about an interview she had or how she hated sleeping too much.”

“I realized... I liked her, you know?” Tom confessed shyly, “And God, I hate myself for betraying her friendship like this.”

Elijah smiled, “Liking someone shouldn’t make you hate yourself. Love is a beautiful thing, Tom. Y/N would understand that.” He said, “So I wouldn’t suggest hating yourself because of it.”

“Yeah...” Tom said to Elijah, “But I get so weird around her, it’s like I drown myself with jokes to make everything seem ‘normal’ but it’s just not and I’m freaking out that she’ll find out about this.. crush.”

“Yeah. I understand you.” Elijah said.

“Really?” Tom questioned, “Do you really understand, Elijah?”

That took Elijah by surprise, “What do you mean, Tom?” Tom explored Elijah’s face. If he was willing to be honest to Elijah, why not go full honest?

“Don’t get me wrong, but I envy you. I don’t get jealous of you being around her, but to be honest I get jealous of you because of how easy you talk to her. She always smiles to you and you seem to always find the right words to say. And I’m jealous of that a little bit, I hate that I don’t fit her as much as you do, El. So tell me, how can you say you understand when you can be around her all the time?”

Elijah went back at his chair, getting caught by surprise. “Excuse me?” he said, dropping his hands under the table.

He bit his lip slightly and looked at Tom, trying to respect him as much as possible, doubting himself for a second. “Tom, you’re really asking me, Elijah, how I can’t understand what it is like to have a crush on her?”

Tom raised his voice a little bit, “Well from what I can see, you easily seem lik-‘’

“What did you just say?” Tom looked at the blank expression Elijah had, trying to take it in the words Elijah just said.

“I can easily understand what you mean Tom, because just like you did, I met her there too. At the interview, running behind her and wondering how she shined so bright. To this day, I still sometimes do, so it is quite funny how you think I can’t understand what it is like to have a crush on h-‘’

“Excuse me” a voice cut them off guard, it was a little girl looking at Tom with almost teary eyes, “I was wondering if I could have a picture with you- I mean, if you’re free, of course!!

Tom stared at Elijah and how heavy his words were... Then turned to the girl, smiling. “Of course, darlin’.”

Hello everyone!

I missed you all so much.

Taglist:

@ssweet-empowerment @clairesrainbow @treshmae @miathefangirlwriter @casualprincess77 @neerdyreedheead @rivedale @aelin-firehearts-court @nerdyphantomlady @kahnacademyforfun @swissgirl10 @ashleykh @nadia-anchondo @katster2015 @imaginationgotmegood @itsredheadpanda @tmrhollandkay @theguildenark @shakaholland @supernatural-padfoot @gummybears-loves-it @dark-night-sky-99 @wemettonight @mandylove1000

@katster2015 @imaginationgotmegood @itsredheadpanda @reaklassnerdyartyrandomperson @gummybears-loves-it @in-the-potterhead-know @mandylove1000 @super-fire-breathing-girl @potter-thinking @imhereforthewaffles @popluckbih @stephie-senpai @tomshufflepuff @treshmae @katster2015

#tom holland #tom holland fanfiction #tom holland imagine #tom holland x reader #tom holland story #tom holland x y/n #fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #tom au #infinity war fanfic

14 notes · View notes