what-my-mom-says - Tumblr blog

[what-my-mom-says]

My Mom: So are Slytherins mean?

Me: No...

My Mom: Ok, good. Cuz I don't wanna be mean.

[what-my-mom-says]

My mom: *eating while talking on the phone with her sister*

My mom: *drops food and squeals*

My mom, looking at me: I'm like Joey. Dropping food on the floor.

[what-my-mom-says]

While watching the Braves and Dodgers postseason game:

My mom: What kind of music is that?!

Me: It's literally "Take Me Out to the Ballgame."

Me: ....

My Mom: Oh, like, a more upbeat version?

My Mom: Ok. I'm not used to hearing that song unless it's Chicago

[what-my-mom-says]

[Preacher] said we had 50 graduates this year. When I went and counted there were not 50. He did a good job lying to us with a straight face!

My mom

[what-my-mom-says]

*GASP* "Melania Trump breaks fashion rules by wearing white pumps before Memorial Day!" If that was the only thing the Trumps did wrong, we'd be in good shape!

My Mom, reading a Facebook trending headline

[what-my-mom-says]

My Mom: My mother's like that. She's a little *???* sometimes!

Me: Old??

My Mom: COLD. She's already old.

[what-my-mom-says]

If I color my hair tonight, and you can only do it every 6 weeks, then the next time I can do it is before my birthday so I can look YOUNGER!!!

My Mom

[what-my-mom-says]

You see people getting married 3 or 4 times and you wonder how you can even get number 2!

My Mom

[what-my-mom-says]

30! They like me! They like me spending money.

My mom, when checking her Kohl’s ad coupon

[what-my-mom-says]

I hate computers! It told me that I didn't key all this information and it told me I didn't! I see myself doing it!

My Mom

[what-my-mom-says]

Me: I've never understood how that happens.

My Mom: What?

Me: Hickeys.

My Mom: I guess you just get in there and suck.

[what-my-mom-says]

Come on baseball bat licking guy! Lick that bat if it'll help you hit that ball.

My Mom

[what-my-mom-says]

My Mom: Ugh. You're driving like Donald Trump!

Me: ...?

My Mom: Got that Trump bumper sticker and everything..

Me: How is he driving like Trump?

My Mom: Like he doesn't know how to. Just like he doesn't know how to do anything.

[what-my-mom-says]

We see the keurig commercial

Me: I'm thinking about going to see [James Corden's] show when I'm in LA!

My Mom: Oh! Are you gonna be sing in the car with him?!

Me: ...No. I don't have any songs to sing.

My Mom, jokingly: Well then how are you going to see him?

My Mom, not jokingly: What does the audience do when they're driving around?

Me: ...It's pre-recorded...

We die laughing.

[what-my-mom-says]

Lord, if I lose weight, and it's only in my boobs, I'm gonna be mad!

My Mom, about Zumba

[what-my-mom-says]

Sasha on DWTS: Since being on the show I've lost 37 lbs.

My Mom: Wow! I need to go on Dancing With the Stars.

[what-my-mom-says]

My Mom: Trader Joes? I've never been there.

Me: You don't cook things. You wouldn't like it.

My Mom: Don't you ever wanna go check something out to see what all the hoopla is about?

Me: There's been a lot of hoopla about the new Aldi up the road.

My Mom: I'm not interested in that hoopla.