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Can't Fight This Feeling

Another Bachelorette season come and gone...and do you know what this means? This is the last time I willfully choose am forced to stare at Ashley's face...that is until I pick up the latest issue of Us Weekly bearing her face on the cover with the inevitable headline - "Why J.P. left me for my sister."  I want my eleven weeks of life back.  And my liver.

We are still in Fiji this week, and Ashley's family has flown in to join the fun and meet the potential son-in-laws.   Ashley greets them with an overdose of squeals and shrieks which immediately caused my left temporal lobe to shut down.  The only thing/person I really took notice of was Ashley's colorful sister Chrystie, whom I slightly remember from Ashley's hometown date last season with Brad, but something was different this time...a new tattoo? A bigger ego? Or did she just take the whole bitter divorcee thing up a notch?  Ashley wastes no time filling her family in on the two final "guys" with the excitement of a pre-teen with her first crush: should she go for passionate J.P. or funny boy Ben? Her sister, who clearly is taking in Ashley's excitement with minimal interest, chimes in and sets the tone for the rest of the show: "I do hope I like them," she says.  Or what? You'll ink yourself again with another angry koi fish?

The first lucky guy to meet Team Hebert is J.P., who greets Ashley with progressing crow's feet and a fresh head shave. They arrive at the temporary Fijian residence where Ashley's family is residing.  Before they can finish a meal together, Sister Chrystie starts her interrogation.  "Does J.P. make you laugh?" This is a tough question for Ashley, and she can't answer it.  Instead, she redirects the question back to him.  "Do you make me laugh?"  Hmmm, I'm pretty sure you just answered that question.  Chrystie takes note of this and proceeds to sum up their entire relationship: "I don't think he's the one for you...I don't see it."  This sends Ash into hysterics, crying out "But you haven't even talked to him yet!"  Yes she did, for about 7 whole minutes.  

Sis decides to be fair and take J.P. aside and break the harsh news: as far as she sees it, he's not the one.  He refrains from hurling a right jab into her jaw and instead shoots her a cynical smile. "I was totally not expecting that," he says. But wait, there's more.   "I told [Ashley] I felt like I saw more of you when you brought Brad home," says Chrystie. Why don't you just cut his balls off and throw them in the Pacific?  I appreciate an honest woman, but this chick is nothing but a pissed off man-hater which begs the question: what exactly did her ex-husband do to her? Drink her stash of Pabst Blue Ribbon?  J.P. is now doubting Ashley's feelings toward him and she doesn't do much - actually nothing at all - to reassure him.  "I think I just need to figure it out."  What you mean is, you need to let your sister figure it out.

The next day before Ben gets his turn to take a few hits in the battlefield, Ashley decides to enter the war zone once again with The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. Chrystie continues to slash Ashley open with her heartless judgement, but Ashley won't be defeated this time: "You're being such a bitch!" It's at this point I realize I'm watching the most thrilling moment of the entire season.  I'm mentally egging them on, praying for a girl fight...and once again, like every other impending yet unfulfilled climax this season, I'm left hot, sweaty, and unsatisfied.

After Ash has a chance to cool off, she suits up for round two with man candy Ben.  In an attempt to make up for the lack of humor yesterday with J.P. and prove something to her sister, she overcompensates and makes an asshole out of herself.  "What do you think, was this what you expected?" she spats at her sister as she waves her hands around in the air sarcastically.  "Party! C'mon, let's have a party!"  Ben is wondering the same thing I am - is this girl off her meds?  Ashley is not ready just yet to deboard the fun bus and insists that Ben join her in a live performance of dog-speak.  Ben basically impersonated Gollum from Lord of the Rings while Ashley screeched out a high-pitched noise that sounded like a baby choking on a whistle.  Sister Tattoo smiles joyfully at this embarrassing display and nods her head in approval.  Yes, this is love.

The next day Ben gets his final date with Ashley and last chance to lay his love on the table before the big day.  Ash surprises him with the most original mode of transportation ever featured on the show...a helicopter!  I doubt he saw that one coming.  They are dropped off by a filthy puddle to take a "healing mud bath." Understandably, Ashley jumps on the chance to slather that hot piece of meat in goop and then reciprocates the same erotica to herself.  I'm pretty sure her own hands were on her body more than Ben's were, which isn't a good sign.  Remember his rejection to give her a sunscreen rubdown?  Same situation, different substance. Later that evening, cleaned up and mud free, Ben finally musters up the courage to drop the L word to Ashley but looked clearly uncomfortable saying it.  Is it a lie? Or are you sitting on a hemorrhoid? Guess we'll never know...

J.P. gets his time with Ashley which surely he's been eagerly waiting for after her sister destroyed his confidence.  He vents his frustrations while Ashley defended the ink queen and failed to reassure him, but I can't remember if there was a resolution because I was too distracted by J.P.'s loud yellow shirt. He dropped the L word and that seemed to patch things up for the time being. Later in the hotel room, J.P. presents Ashley with an unfilled photo album and tender love note professing his desire to fill the book with memories.  I temporarily melted to a puddle on the floor with Ashley but quickly snapped out of it and drowned my shame with a glass of wine.

Finally...the big day has arrived.  Let's get this over with, shall we?  The plane arrives, someone steps out...we see shoes, the shoes of a man about to become the next Bachelor. It's....Ben.  He's smiling, she's not - we all know what's about to go down except him, and I feel guilty about it.  She half-attempts to speak first but he won't have it...he's too excited to propose. And...she let's him.  He's down on one knee, and all she can do is pull him back up and say "I'm sorry..."  He storms off while she waddles after him looking like a pink sequined ostrich losing it's feathers. "Ben..." she whines, and then comes my favorite: "You are one of the most interesting, smart, funny"... Interesting?  At this point, that is not a compliment sweetheart. You would have done better to compliment him on his shoes.  You screwed up - big time.  I hope that every time you buy a bottle of wine you curse yourself for being such an idiot.  

So J.P. it is.  Ashley is first compelled to share her love with him:  "I've been wanting to tell you how much I loved you for so long now... I don't want to be with anyone else but you forever."  Forever meaning...38 days?  She gets her second proposal of the day, gleefully accepts and we are sent away from this three-month torture festival with a classic hit from REO Speedwagon.  Thank you, producers, for summing up the hell you've put us through with an irrelevant 80's love song.  That was like a pickle on top of an ice cream sundae, confusing and unnecessary.

Judging from After The Final Rose, I'm going to say that these two kids are going to be one of the lucky couples to make it.  And when I say they're going to make it, I mean they are going to make it difficult for me to keep watching this ridiculous show.  But...of course I will.

It all starts again with Bachelor Pad next week!  See u back here to talk about it!~

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Fondled in Fiji

Here we are, the last Bachelorette episode before the finale.  And all I have to say is, finallllllllly.  This season has been a real pain in my ass and I'm happy that it's about to give itself the finger and peace out, something I've wanted to do since Bentley left and all the drama and excitement left with him.  We only have to endure one more week of bang fluffing and lip biting before we can get to where the real fun is at: Bachelor Pad.

Ashley and her final three suitors arrive in Fiji for the last leg of their irksome journey to test their bedroom compatibility in the fantasy suites.  Before the first consummation date can get under way, an unnecessary blast from the past shows up at Ashley's door. As she opens the door, shock overwhelms her face, she slaps her hand over her mouth and -- it breaks to commercial.  I sat their for the next 4.2 minutes with a sense of false hope that once again, Bentley had made a return in one last attempt to promote his family fun center.  As we return to the scene of the opened door and mysterious visitor, we see that it's just...Ryan.  What, did he feel like he didn't sell Ash fully on the importance of tankless water heaters?  He shares with Ashley his perspective about their last date and how it wasn't "conducive" for finding the passion that they are obviously lacking and that maybe they just needed another go at it.  "If you thought about me at all... then I want some more time with you so bad," he pleads.  Then he slides her a piece of paper with his hotel information and informs her that he will be there waiting for her decision.  And there he will wait, for days...

Finally, on to the first date with the eye candy I've been waiting for all week.  Ash greets Ben half-naked in a bikini top and skirt, getting him primed and prepped for later that evening.  She informs him that their "ride" will be the yacht headed in their direction. Once aboard, Ashley asks for help in applying her suntan lotion and Ben stands their helplessly and inquires about which location is in need of assistance.  "My back? I can reach everywhere else, unless you want to do everything," says Ashley with a trampy giggle. Ben's answer to this is no, he doesn't want to everything...unless she wants him to.  Um, I'm sorry, but what kind of guy rejects the offer of giving a girl a full body rubdown? I don't know about her, but I would have felt like Betty White at that point.  Later they share a romantic dinner on the beach and Ben tells the cameras that he's ready to tell her the "L" word.  Instead, he eeks out "I'm on my way... to, you know, the whole 'I love you' thing."  Not quite there, but enough to forgo his individual room and join Ash in the fantasy suite.  They slip back into their swimsuits, have a makeout session in the ridiculously amazing pool attached to their room, then head to the bedroom to share a pork sandwich.

Next up, Ben's Greek alter-ego Constantine.  For the first 8 episodes I couldn't tell these guys apart, until I finally realized the difference: Constantine's uncircumsized!  Duh, how did I overlook this?  Fortunately, this is something Ashley won't have to find out later in the fantasy suite. Ashley takes Constantine on his first ride in a helicopter and comments that she is lucky enough to have beautiful scenery to her right and a "Greek God" to her left.  Somewhere down below, Ryan is pacing a sandy beach, eager for a response from Ashley.  "I've been waiting for several days now," he says. Well, it doesn't look like too shabby of a place to wait, so enjoy the free vacation and stop complaining.  If I were him, I would have said to Ashley, "Think about it...and get back to me in a week." Have another daiquiri. 

Later over dinner, Ashley rehashes her issues with Constantine and his inability to connect with her on a deeper level.  She doesn't understand why he isn't as affectionate towards her as the other guys.  Once again...like 90% of the dudes from this season, he's just not that into you. Instead of reassuring her of his feelings, Constantine finally decides to face the truth.  "I would want ideally for me to be madly, head-over-heels, 100 percent sure, ready to meet your father and say, 'I want to ask for your daughter's hand in marriage,' and say that with 110 percent confidence," he begins. "And I have too much respect for you, for myself, for my family, and ultimately your family also, to do anything but that. I'm sitting here now, like, thinking, I don't have that yet..."  And from there, he rejects the fantasy suite and heads back home to Cummings.   I think he finally realized that he's not going to find a girl hotter than his own sister and it's time to make a move.  This is what I like to call Family Values.  Home is where the heart is, Greek boy. 

During the commercial break, my grandmother excitedly calls to inform me that I look like juuuuust like Ashley. So I look like a bow-legged midget with thin lips, flat hair and a bad fashion sense?  Thank you, Grandma, for the compliment.  Time to open up another bottle of wine and forget that she said that.

Back to the show, and Ashley has finally decided that Ryan has waited long enough and shows up at his hotel room looking confident that she's about to deliver some not so good news. Ryan, oblivious of this, grins and takes her visit as a good sign.  After beating around the bush for a minute - and a minute too long - Ash finally breaks it to him.  "I didn't feel, like, that passion [with you]... And the truth is, I've found that -- actually with two people!"  She says this excitedly as if she is hoping that Ryan will share in her joy.  Poor guy, rejected once again and sent back to his life of solar panels.

J.P. is last up for his chance to explore what's inside Ashley's pants heart before he decides to make a proposal next week.  Aboard a pontoon plane, they head out to spend the day on a private island.  They frolic and kiss in the ocean and both seem fully aware that this is merely foreplay to what will ensue later on that evening.  In full competitive mode, J.P. says "I want this to be over -- that's it's me, that's it." Is this a dating show or Survivor? During dinner in the middle of the jungle, Ash share the news that she's already sent two guys home from Fiji.  J.P. lights up, thinking this means he has "won" the competition, until Ash reveals that one of the losers was Ryan...again.  Still, J.P. seems content that one more dude has bitten the dust, delightedly accepts the fantasy suite card, and the couple scamper off to hump it out.

A futile rose ceremony takes place just so our insecure Bachelorette can be reassured that the final two want to be here.  Surprisingly, they do, and accept the roses.  Watching these guys stand their, with shit-eating grins on their faces and feeling a couple ounces lighter, all I could think about was -- which one of these guys was better in bed? 

Alright...we've got a double whammy next week!  See you back here next week to talk about Men Tell All and the Finale!  Who's it going to be?!?  And will it work out? (Answer: no)  But we'll still waste our time talking about it anyway~

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Hometown Buffet

We have some catching up to do my fellow Bach fans!  I would apologize for my lack of post last Tuesday, but it would be a lie because I'm not really sorry about being on vacation.

I'm not going to take the time to recap last week's episode because let's be honest, at this point I've already forgotten what happened.  There was Taiwan, a backless shirt, and some talk about water heaters. That's...about it.  

The most anticipated moment of last week's episode was the post-show interview with Emily to break the shocking news that another Bachelor relationship did not stand the test of time...er reality.  I'm sorry, but Brad was waving flags that were redder than his hair ever since his first stint at finding love on the show.  There is a reason this guy is still 38 and single, and unfortunately Em had to learn the hard way by wasting 4 good months of her life on a doomed relationship instead of signing up to be the next Bachelorette.

This week we were forced to sit through two hours of familial introductions as Ashley bow-legs her away across the contiguous United States to meet the parents.  She is a little too giddy about this whole idea which is suspicious because I'm pretty sure this is an event that 99% of people dread.  The other 1% are abusing ecstasy.  

Ashley's first stop is Constantine's hometown of Cummings, Georgia.  The name alone is enticing me to take a trip out there myself.  The boring, less-attractive version of the shaggy haired twins introduces Ash first to his Italian restaurant Giorgio's, where he teaches her how to make a pizza and a salad. He compliments her on her natural chef-like abilities.  She eats it up (his words, not the salad) and calls him a "charmer."  Listen, my 6-year-old can make a pizza and a salad.  If this is what you have to do to call yourself a chef, then call me Paula Deen.  Finally they make their way to casa de crazy, where Ashley is greeted by an enthusiastic clan of Greeks.  Papa Dimitri imparts some relationship advice to his son, Mom Eleni quickly determines the couple's future residency (there, in Cummings of course), and Constantine's stunning sister Maria makes Ashley look like Steve Buscemi.  It's a good thing Ashley wasn't seated next to her at the dinner table for Constantine to make a direct comparison.  If I were him, I might actually consider incest.  Then, as they are about to say their goodbye's, about a thousand strange Greeks rush through the front door and it quickly turns into a scene from My Big Fat Greek You'll Never Have Any Privacy If You Marry Into This Family Wedding.  Fun when you're drinking, not so much when the Ouzo wears off.

Next stop is Ames hometown of Chadds Ford, PA.  It appears that he still hasn't snapped out of his concussion...still got that dazed and confused thing going on.  Ash is taken to the family estate where she meets his brother and sister who by the way, seem to have been hit with the same ugly stick that Ames has. She also meets mom, who is not once but twice a widower, which finally makes some sense of Ames feminine tendencies.  Sister Serena takes the bull by the horns and questions Ashley about her feelings to which Ash responds: "I want to feel [that passion] with Ames so bad."  It's at this point we know that Ames will not be getting the final rose.  After leaving the family abode, the couple shared a picnic and he introduced her to the Italian idea of sprezzatura, which he describes to her as "try[ing] to be as romantic as possible, but like, through your everyday life."  This is where I become officially bored to tears with this guy.  Ash leans in for a passionless kiss which I'm guessing must have consisted of a lot of teeth clinking together.  

Finally, the date I've been looking forward to and admittedly a little envious of: Sonoma, CA, home of Hottie McHott Ben F. and the family winery.  If in the end Ash is a little confused about whether to pick J.P. or Ben (the final two, mark my word), the free wine for life should without a doubt give Ben the edge.  Before meeting the family, Ben and Ash share some Bourdeaux and Ben talks about his father's passing and his close relationship with mom and sister.  He stresses that they have to like Ashley or "otherwise it just doesn't work for me."  But hey, no pressure.  After giving her an ulcer, he takes Ash to meet mom and sister Julia, who apparently was the one to sign Ben up for this love carnival.  She shoots Ashley a warning by saying  "I love my brother.  He's dated girls but they haven't really stuck around for too long, and I haven't necessarily liked some of them. I'm actually more protective over him than you may think."  I'm starting to think that this where the incest is happening.  Maybe the other girls he dated didn't stick around because you're cock blocking him.  Like literally.  With your own vagina.  Someone needs to get this girl a boyfriend.  

Finally, the hometown tour ends in Roslyn, NY to meet J.P.'s family.  He decides to first take her roller skating while drinking wine from paper cups.  Cute, but could likely be an indication of what his bank account looks like.  They giggle and twirl around on their skates as a cheesy 80's song played in the background.  Looks like someone's turning to Adam Sandler movies for dating strategies.  They wrap up the romantic comedy and head out to meet the folks. A carb-loaded dinner is waiting for them and the fam can't help but notice the hearts in J.P.'s eyes.  Mom Ilene pulls Ash aside for some one-on-one time and reveals some skepticism. "JP has only you to think about, but you have all these other men that you have had to think about -- how do you do that?"  By drinking a lot of alcohol Ilene, that's how.  The best part of the evening was mom's decision to share a large, autographed bar mitzvah portrait of J.P. sporting an 80's mullet.  So thaaaat's what he looks like with hair.  Now the whole decision to go bald makes a lot more sense.

The crew find themselves back at the lonesome love mansion for the rose ceremony.  As predicted, Ames is left rose-less...however I had a had time reading the emotion on his face.  Stunned? Sad? Heart-broken? He still stood there looking like he had been hit over the head with a baseball bat.  Keeping in theme with his self-proclaimed "composed" behavior, he politely said goodbye and told Ashley "I'm lucky to have you in my life."  You mean had, right?  You'll save yourself some anguish if you can chalk up to the fact that you're never going to see this girl again.  Without your concussion you're a pretty cool dude, and maybe, if you get your face fixed, you could be considered for the next Bachelor.  Maybe.

See you back here next week to talk about the sex soirees coming up in Fiji! ~

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Doggy Style

Well, the dog cat is finally outta the bag.

24-year-old Bow Wow revealed on his website Wednesday that he's a daddy to now 3-month-old Shai.  He didn't say why he kept quiet about the "illest gift of his life" until now, but I'm guessing it's because like his Golden Retriever, he had to decide if he wanted to keep it.

The rapper/actor first hit the spotlight at age 13 as Lil Bow Wow, which according to his website, forced him to grow up faster than he would have liked. "I did everything and saw everything too fast...[I hope] my boo boo can have everything I didn't."

Well, your first step is to get a real name so your daughter isn't confused when it comes time to learn her animal sounds.  Every time she hears a dog bark she's going to get her hopes up that daddy's around...and let's face it, most of the time she's going to be left disappointed.

Woof Woof also vented to his fans “I want her to live with me so bad. Jus us 2... Baby gotta stay with they momma and all dat bull. I hate that! So i have to fly 5 hrs away to see her."   I can't really comment on this because I have no idea what he just said.  However from the looks of it, I feel pretty confident in saying that if he had opened a book instead of his pants, he wouldn't have this problem in the first place.  

And he might learn that a subordinating conjunction isn't just a sex position.

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Picture Not So Perfect

The unthinkable has happened.

Jennifer Aniston has made the difficult yet selfless decision to take a break from the silver screen.  An insider tells Us Weekly, "Jen's taking a year off from work to enjoy herself." 

This is probably a good move considering her mentally exhausting career and decision to continually take on such self-sacrificing roles. I'm sure she has plenty of more important things to do than play the same exciting character in the same exciting genre of movie, like making drastic changes to her hairstyle by cutting it a half-inch.

Apparently, the only thing the actress will be exerting mental energy on is The Goree Girls, her production company's project about singers in a women's prison. Sounds...exciting. She hopes to collaborate on the project with new beau and screenwriter Justin Theroux (Tropic Thunder and Iron Man 2), according to a source. "She's impressed by his ability to find humor in dry material," the source tells Us.

And by "dry material", I don't think she's referring to a movie script.

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Caught Red-Headed

What would any remorseful, young American actress do to show the public that they've finally got her act together?  I'm not sure, but don't ask Lindsay Lohan.

According to Celebuzz, our favorite party girl celebrated last night by hitting up Hollywood's Lexington Social Club following 35 days under house arrest. Apparently, Linds tried to exit the club discreetly but the "blinding lights from gathering paparazzi" made her trip and fall.  Yeah...and the margarita I'm drinking is "virgin."

LiLo was sentenced to house arrest after pleading no contest to shoplifting charges stemming from an incident involving the questioned theft of a $12,000 necklace from a Venice Beach boutique earlier this year.  Recently, the red-hot mess attracted more media attention when she tested positive for alcohol after she threw a Memorial Day party at her own abode while under house arrest. She managed to escape jail-time, but according to some, her career at this point is unsalvageable.

"She will never be able to make a legitimate comeback because she’s lost a good portion of her fan base,” branding expert Dan Schawbel tells Celebuzz. “The public doesn’t trust her, and she can no longer be a role model for the generation that used to worship her.” 

I think this Schawbel guy is being a little harsh.  I'm sure she has plenty of fans who worship her.  Those people include alcoholics, thieves, and Charlie Sheen.

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Bomb Kong

This week on The Bachelorette...

The group heads to the colorful city of Hong Kong for the next leg of their tiresome adventure.  I was shocked to find out that the producers weren't going to string us along for 2 hours waiting for Bentley's return.  He was right there waiting, twofer shirt and all.  When Chris Harrison broke the news to Ashley that yes, he is in this very hotel, she squealed out "Shut uuuup!" and fluffed her bangs.  Of course she has her hopes up that he is back to sweep her away to Utah because why else would he fly halfway around the world to see her?  In an attempt to make the scene more dramatic, Harrison writes the 4-digit room number on a piece of paper and slides it to Ashley as if it were the gate code to the Pentagon.   Ash makes her way to his room and stands outside for a few minutes before deciding to knock....like she's not going to do it.  Ha.

Immediately B-word starts buttering her up with some phony flirting and touching as he delivers the bad news -- in very vague terms. "I think that knowing that I'm home, it doesn't look good for me and you," he says. "I would implore you to do all you can to see what you have here, I guess." Ashley, heeding Harrison's advice, didn't buy the easy answer and pushed him to give her the "closure" that she needed to move on.   Maybe the f-bomb she spat out from made him go limp and let some air back into his brain, but whatever the reason he was finally able to put the "period" at the end of their "relationship." Finally, the dot dot dot issue is resolved!

Getting the closure she needed, Ashley convinces herself she can move on to the other less attractive group of men with mediocre personalities.  She starts by giving Lucas the first one-on-one date, which is probably a good thing considering that like myself, she still don't know who this guy is.  The airtime that this guy has had is embarrassing, but really, how much drama and entertainment can a small-town oil worker provide?  Judging from their date, zero, because all I can recall about it was an irritating amount of bang fluffing and lip smacking.

The group date this week was more like an episode of The Amazing Race rather than The Bachelorette. The guys learn they will spend the day dragon boat racing, but are first paired up to recruit a team of unsuspecting strangers in a foreign city to help them.  Nothing is more uncomfortable than watching a person try and speak to someone who doesn't understand their language. FYI: shouting and eliminating conjunctions will not help your case.  The date ends with an evening cocktail party, an awkward, toothy kiss between Ash and Ames in an elevator, and Sunshine getting the date rose.  Yep, he's still smiling!

The last one-on-one goes to J.P., which is well deserved after the "date" he got stuck with last time. The evening sails by with chemistry and great conversation until Ash decides to ruin a perfectly good moment by dropping an unnecessary bomb:  "I saw Bentley two days ago here in Hong Kong.........." Thank you, perfectly placed commercial break for leaving us waiting on the edge of our seats for the next 4 1/2 minutes to see baldy's response. Surprisingly, he wasn't pissed for having to hear about this guy on his date again.  She convinces him that she is over Bentley but if that's true, why in the hell is she still bringing him up? Ashley should just pick Jordan Paul now and pack up before the wool is pulled from his eyes and he throws his rose in her face.

Ash decides to break the same terrific news regarding her closure with Bentley to the rest of the guys before the rose ceremony.  She ignorantly smiled, fluffed her bangs and gloated "I'm so excited to get it all off my chest. It's going to be great."  No...it's actually not.  I don't know who put the idea in her head that these guys were going to be excited to learn that she's been pining for Bentley the entire time she's been dragging them on a meaningless love journey through Asia.  Of course, when she didn't get the round of applause she was hoping for, she was selfish as usual went into hysterics. Mickey called her a liar and then jumped on the rejection boat outta there. Blake made her cry, offered her a courtesy hug, but then waited around for her to send him out to sea. It's probably for the best because that's just too much floss for one relationship to handle.

Until next week...stay tuned for more red-alert insecurity levels, abuse of the B-word, and bow-legs being stuffed into toddler sized jeans!

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Date Gape

There's some lucky guy out there who's about to score.  Big time.

According to an interview with Popeater, "Octomom" Nadya Sulemon will be joining the cast of a new celebrity dating show, Celebridate, airing on HDNet. The show will follow different celebrities as three non-celebrities compete for a date, something Nadya is apparently new at.

"I've never dated," Nadya tells me. "This is actually the first time I have dated in my life. I've had one boyfriend, it was very fascinating to me; it was an unforgettable experience. I am painfully shy and anxious ... that's just my personality...it's difficult for me to interact and to have eye contact."

Well maybe you need to take some advice from your vagina, which doesn't seem to have a problem opening up or making contact.  I'm personally excited to see the kind of guy who will be into a jobless woman with 14 kids.  If he's the kind looking to get laid, which he most likely is, then he's in for a big disappointment.  All of her pregnancies were in vitro, which means more things have come out of her than gone in.  It would be like driving a matchbox car through the Holland Tunnel.  

Or maybe he's the kind of guy who just really likes Pez.

[whattheexpletive-blog]

hi there! i just read your bachelorette recap and i just have to say it's perfection. we have just about the exact same thoughts on everything and i thoroughly enjoyed it :)

Thank you!  I appreciate all my fellow Bachelor/Bach'ette fans and love sharing the drama and humor with you.  I recap every Tuesday so keep reading! 

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Pretty In Pink

This week on The Bachelorette...

The crew packs up and heads to the city of Chang Mai, which like every other foreign destination featured on the Bachelor/Bachelorette episodes, is the perrrfect place to fall in love.  What are we now? 2 for 30?

Winemaker Ben F. gets the only one-on-one date this week, and after a day wandering the local street markets, Ash and Constantine's twin find themselves seated near a temple. Maybe it had something to do with being in a sacred place, but the sexual tension between these two heated up like tinfoil in a microwave. After they spent a good amount of time eye-raping each other, Ashley throws out "You know we can't kiss here.  That's how sacred this place is."  From there, the eye-raping grew to obvious thoughts of dry humping.  "I just want to jump on him...meerooow!" says our bow-legged horndog.  Once again, she wants something only because she can't have it.  Like I said before, take the guy who can give you free alcohol for life and run.

The group date turns out to be a Muay Thai boxing training session, which gives the guys an excuse to show off their ass-whooping skills and Ashley a chance to play the worried girlfriend.  After three hours of training, the guys are informed that they will be fighting one another in a public ring.  The guys seemed excited to show off their new skills...everyone except for Ames, that it. Maybe it was because he got stuck with the hot pink shorts or maybe it's his fear of anything that doesn't involve numbers, but he should definitely not pick up Muay Thai boxing as a hobby.  I was disappointed because he seems like a really cool guy, but how can you respect a guy who stands there like a girl and lets a guy nicknamed Sunshine knock you around? And I still can't get past his disproportionate features. His mom really should have laid off the merlot while she was pregnant.  Later he returned to the group date with a speech impediment due to his shaken up brain. Mild concussion?  Get over it the same way you did your birth defects.

The dreaded two-on-one date makes its appearance on the episode, with Ben C. and William being the victims.  After a river rafting adventure and William deciding he wasn't getting enough attention, he pulls Ashley aside and do exactly what he claimed he wasn't, which was "throwing [Ben C.] under the bus." He tells Ashley that Ben has been telling everyone in the house that he just wants to go home and get busy with the dating websites.  Ashley hears this and her insecurity levels spike to an all time high.  Before giving Ben a chance to plead his case, she sends him packing.  So let me get this straight...a friend calls you to warn you about a jackass who is coming on the show to promote his business, you ignore that advice and fall head over heels in love with him.  But an asshole who tells you to your face that you have small tits and wishes you were someone else is a trustworthy resource?  This girl has more issues than Sports Illustrated.  At least she was smart enough to send the "30-year-old-boy" aka William home by the end of the night as well.

While watching Ashley's heart to heart with Chris "McDILF" Harrison before the rose ceremony this week, I had an intense deja vous moment...wait, am I watching last week's episode?  Once again, she had to bring up the B word, which she could barely mumble out for fear of getting Harrison pissed off again. But he sat there, stone cold poker face, and took it.  How does he sleep at night?  I'm pretty sure what he really wanted to do was choke her out and tell her what a f**king insecure idiot she is, and one of these days, hopefully he goes through with it. And rip off that monstrosity that she's calling a dress while you're at it.  It's called a push-up bra honey, and it's there to help.

Meanwhile, the guys are clearly getting tired of hearing Ashley drone on about Bentley, and I don't blame them.  We get it, the rest of these guys aren't your first pickin's, but guess what?  You weren't there's either.  In fact, you apparently weren't their second and maybe even their third choice.  If any of them do actually hope to get her attention, they should act like Bentley and start mumbling and carrying around a handheld mirror.  I am so sick of the 24-7 pity party.  Ashley should have learned the lesson the most smart girls learned a long time ago, which is nobody is turned on by thin lips a zero confidence level. She needs to pack her bags and go before the guys do it first.

And finally...thanks, Bachelorette producers, for leading me in false hope for the entire episode.  I sat on the edge of my chair, biting off every single one of my fingernails and drinking more than my fair share of wine waiting for Bentley's return, only to see them tease it again for next week's episode. What...assholes.

See u next Tuesday, my fellow Bach fans~

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Laguna Bleach

There's one thing I can't stand, and that's a liar, which is why I hate that little bullshitter Pinocchio.

Reality brain-drain Heidi Montag recently claimed that she has been working out 14 hours a day to get back into shape for a pool party at Las Vegas' Wet Republic. The 5' 2", H-cup star says she put on a few pounds during the last few months while she's been "in hiding" with her puppies and the other jack-ass she lives with "eating pie."  

"I've been working out from, like, 5 a.m. to 7 p.m. for two months now. I've been working out really hard because I had this pool party and I was like, I have to be in shape," she told Us Weekly. 

Ya..and right after she spoke those words her nose boobs grew another cup size. She can't even spit out a more than a sentence before she's utilized 98% of her brain power and has to take a nap.  Unless she considers thinking an exercise, I call bullshit.  But then again, maybe having to recall information does make her break a sweat.

Heidi claims that her weight jumped from 103 to 130 lbs. after undergoing 10 plastic surgeries in 2009 and had to take a break from working out. "My breasts, because they're so big, really needed some time," she explained. "So I'm just starting to work out again after my surgery. Sometimes I get shooting pains, but I hear that's normal."  Really?  Because I'm pretty sure that a shooting pain is your body's way of telling you that you're doing something wrong.  My liver does the same thing after a night of binge drinking..but I guess I don't really listen to that either...

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Whore-shoes

I don't think there has been a better idea yet than pickle-themed footwear.

Our favorite orange hobbit from the Jersey Shore has decided to earn some extra cash by going into the shoe business.  According to Women's Wear Daily, Snooki is launching her own line of flip flops, including a style featuring her favorite sour snack.

I personally feel that this is an ingenious idea for the little pouf ball.  The marketing for this is too easy.  I can see it already: "Now your feet can make the same sound as Snooki's cooka when she walks...flip-flop..."

I didn't mention that these summer sandals will be selling for $15 - $50, which is completely reasonable for a piece of foam and rubber.  I don't know what kind of people are in the market for $50 pickle flip flops, but I'm guessing it's the same people who wear Ed Hardy.  

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Thai One On

This week, on the Bachelorette...

Chris Harrison informs the remaining 12 men that they are leaving the mansion and headed to Thailand, where Ashley is already waiting and still pining over Bentley. After arriving and settling into their new digs, Constantine (or wait, is it Ben F?) learns he's headed out on the first one-on-one date.  The date starts out a little rough after they discover that they won't be able to take the boat ride that was planned for them to due to inclement weather.  Ashley seems bummed out but Constantine insists on making the best of it and explains to her that it is the "locals" who make up the best part of any vacation.  They track down an old shopkeeper who was minding his own business and drill him about love and marriage via a translation from another innocent bystander.  As the old man clicked away in a foreign language, they looked at him eagerly and smiled like they might be able to understand what he's saying if they listened hard enough. Nope, still sounds like a drawer of silverware being tossed down the stairs.

The next day on the group date, Ashley informs the guys that they will be using some elbow grease to fix up an orphanage.  A few of the guys looked excited, but the rest of them looked how I would have felt - ripped off.  Once again, Ashley starts to feel insecure when the guys focus their attention to the work that needs to be done instead of her.  Yeah, how selfish of them!  She finds comfort and solace in Constantine Ben F. while helping him paint a really shitty mural of something resembling an elephant throwing up.  If the orphans themselves could have done a better job at painting, you can't really call it a "makeover."  Later the group finally gets to have some real fun at a pool party, where Ben F. finally gets the kiss he's been waiting for all day. Then comes my favorite part of the entire episdoe, where Ash and J.P. have a steamy makeout session in the rain and he asks her if she's "getting wet."  Yes sir, she is...and in more ways than one.

The last one-on-one goes to Ames, who may be the coolest guy of the bunch, but has one major deal-breaker: his face.  Like me, Ashley will never be able to get past the fact that he looks like a Picasso.  He has pretty much everything else going for him though, so as long as the rest of their dates are at night or in rooms with no lights, he may go pretty far in the competition. 

Although still hung up on Bentley, Ashley decides to go through with the cocktail party this time, where Ryan P. continues to irk the other men in the house with his 24-7 sunny disposition.  Ashley questions him on this as well, which seems to actually irritate him but he still refuses to stop smiling.  He continues with the annoying happy act and tells her that he's just "bursting with a lot of love in my chest," and Ashley responds by doing that thing where she rubs her mouth together at the place where most of us actually have lips. Harrison and our bachelorette sit down for their usual pre-rose ceremony heart-to-heart, where she spends most of the time talking about some expensive car with ugly interior and a bad wax job. Then in a rash decision, Ash decides that she's only going to send one guy home tonight instead of two.  Go ahead and rub salt in the loser's wound, Ash.  West is the one left without a rose, which is a great choice if you're the kind of girl who doesn't like to get murdered by your husband.  

The preview for next week shows a surprise return of a past contestant...hmm, who could it be?! We all know, and despite everything that has happened, we are all thrilled about it...this week was way too boring without him.  See you back here to talk about the drama next week! ~

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Over The Heel

What can make up for having the most ridiculous parents in the world?  According to Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, it's a pair of $800 heels.

Suri Cruise may have to suffer on a daily basis living with a nut-job father and the world's most boring mother, but at least she's getting some compensation.  According to the Daily Mail, the little tot's shoe wardrobe, which includes not one but seven pair of custom-made Christian Louboutin's, is valued at around $150,000.

What a great way to get your kid off to a great start in life, sending them out into the world with responsible spending habits, a bad back and bunions.  She probably already laughs at the kids in preschool who wear Stride Rite's.  At least she has plans to pass her shoes down to less fortunate kids in Africa when she outgrows them.  I'm sure those little girls are going to be ecstatic to walk the 30 miles to school in a pair of peep-toe stilletos.

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Snipped Off

When will people learn that the internet is not an appropriate outlet to vent their anger?  Oh wait... *taking a look in the mirror*

Russell Crowe is once again pissed off and apparently, he has something against Jews and purple hats.  The 47-year-old temper tantrum spoke out on Twitter about his disapproval of foreskin removal:  "Circumcision is barbaric and stupid. Who are you to correct nature? Is it real that GOD requires a donation of foreskin? Babies are perfect."

Look, I'm going to say one thing about this.  If I wanted something with sleeves, I would put on a shirt.  

[whattheexpletive-blog]

Ice Age

Some people just don't know when to call it quits and say...enough is enough.

David Hasselhoff, who should have done himself a favor and ended his career after Baywatch, is always looking for new ways to keep himself in the spotlight. He left the quality entertainment show America's Got Talent to join Dancing With the Stars the next year and be the first contestant voted off, to starring in a reality show with his daughters called The Hasselhoffs -- which was cancelled after two episodes.

I'm excited to share the news that finally, I think he's found his nitch.  The triple threat took to Twitter to announce the debut of The Hoffsicle, a raspberry flavored iced pop in the perfect form of our favorite man who can't take a hint. The frozen treat, put out by Del Monte Foods, features the Hoff with a popped collar, a clean shave, and even a miniature cheeseburger.

The Hoff bragged on Twitter, "Like me, it might take a licking but it keeps on ticking."  Again, you're missing the point.  No one wants you to keep on ticking. And besides, popsicles don't tick.  You lick them and then they disappear, something you should consider doing.  I personally can't understand why anyone would want to put their mouth on something that resembles a desperate 58-year-old with a black liver.  Where's the Channing Taste'm polish dogs?

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Tears and Toodle-oo's

Wow.  That...was a lot of fun.  Too bad we just watched the best episode of the entire season.  Who's going to be the resident dickhead now?  Mr. Sunshine Ryan P.? 

The first one-on-one date of the episode goes to Ben C., who looks like a less attractive version of Patrick Dempsey with a mis-shaped jaw.  He's a lawyer, which is the only reason at this point that Ashley should keep him around.  Their date begins at a dance studio, where Ashley shares her passion of dancing with him by teaching him a count of 8 dance routine.  Is anyone else as sick of these dance dates as I am?  Eh hem...Tenley?  Little does he know that later he will be using these steps in what will be a mediocre flash mob.  Later, after snorting a line of blow in the bathroom, Ben joins Ashley for dinner and enthusiastically gushes his ideals about love by saying "I want to live in a bubble with somebody I want to live in some unrealistic idealistic bubble where we are convinced that we are like more in love than any other couple that ever lived I know that sounds wild..."   Hey Ash -- that would be your cue to run.

The Mask - aka Jeff - insists upon pulling Ashley aside so he can finally "reveal himself."  Ashley looks as if she could really care less at this point, but I, along with the other guys in the house, am dying to see what all the fuss is about. He slowly, seductively takes off the mask and says "Hi, I'm Jeff."  It's at this point I piss my pants and have to excuse myself from the room.  The worst part is, he looks the same.  Actually, he looks more like a serial killer than even West does. Ashley was probably hoping his looks would make up for his personality, when in fact his looks actually match his personality, which is that of an old, gray, chipped rock.

The group date takes place at LA's Comedy Store, where the crew learns that they will be roasting Ashley.  What a smart idea for the most insecure Bachelorette in history.  Most of the jokes are geared toward Ashley's small boobs and the fact that she's "Brad Womack's leftovers."  William hit the home run of the evening with "I thought I signed up to be with Emily or Chantal, and then Ashley's here...Really, who gives a sh**?"  Wow, this guy really knows his way to a woman's heart.  Even Bentley knows better to say those kind of things behind her back instead of to her face.  All of the insecurities Ashley's been trying to push away came busting out like Kim Kardashian's ass in a thong. What did you think would happen during a roast?  You asked for it girl, and even crazier, you actually decide to keep Dimples around. So grow a pair and stop complaining.

Bentley has a brilliant idea the next morning, which to pack up and go home.  He uses his kid as an excuse instead of manning up and spewing the same venom to her that he did to the camera.  After proudly admitting he's about to make Ashley cry, he mumbles out, "I hope my hair looks okay."  You know what Bentley?  It doesn't. Your hair looks like an ungroomed cooka.  It's disgusting.  After he stabs the knife into her heart, he decides to twist it to the left and right a few times by giving her hope that their "relationship" could actually continue, saying "I still want to keep a dot dot dot there."  It's at this point when I begin to get excited for the Men Tell All.  Upon saying his final goodbye, Ash jumps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist, which apparently turns him on because he starts to inappropriately touch her and tells the camera's that they were in a "great position to start something good."  What was he hoping for, a parting BJ?  If he had somehow actually been able to pull that off, I would have given him a high five and given Ashley a slap in the face.  No girl should be that dumb.

After what seemed to be an hour of the ugly cry, Ash manages to pull herself together just enough to give J.P. the shittiest one-on-one date in Bachelor history. He was probably expecting a private helicopter tour of Catalina Island or a meet-and-greet with The Black Eyed Peas and instead all he got was a watered down version of Ashley in her glasses and pajamas.  What...a letdown.  I kinda like this guy too, so I was happy to see that Ashley had enough sense to give him the date rose.  It's the least she could do for putting him through your emotional breakdown over the biggest douche on the show.

Finally we get to the rose ceremony, where Chris Harrison makes the appearance I was waiting for all night and knocks some sense into this girl.  He breaks the hard news that the "dot dot dot" comment was such "a guy thing to say" and "a real man would have done everything he could to fight for you."  Thank you Harrison, voice of reason.  He's the only one making any sense on this show, and if I were Ashley, I'd cut me a slice of that DILF pie and be done with it.  Due to her emotional state, Ash decides to skip the cocktail party and say goodbye to Chris (I don't even know who this guy is) and Mask Man.  Wow, this guy's got to be feeling pretty great about being kept on the show only until he decided to show the world his face.  Maybe he'll learn his lesson and keep it on for the rest of his life.

The best part of the entire show was the end credit showing Jeff on the toilet taking a number two while still in costume and Bentley next to him forming mountain peaks into his hair with a greasy hair product.  I wonder if he's ever thought about touching a woman in the same tender way that he handles his hair? Nah...

Until next time my fellow Bach fans...keep watching! ~