winniehasapenny

[winniehasapenny]

it genuinely feels like if i vanished one day, no one would be upset, ppl would just be relieved.

[winniehasapenny]

i am gonna be so honest, i feel really bad rn and i dont have anyone i can really vent to rn. so im doing it here. if someone sees it, cool, if not, cool, i am just really hurt and upset currently.

my whole life has felt like i do not have anyone that has considered me their best friend. like i am just never good enough for anyone. it feels like the only ppl that genuinely would be affected by my absence would be my cats, and they arent even human.

i have a friend ive known for years, and gradually it just seems they are getting further and further and futher away and to be so honest, it sucks. we have written so many stories together, we have been in a romantic relationship, and as time goes on, she feels more distant. not being vulnerable, apparently ive been giving her bad vibes that i hate her but she never tells me when i do that, we constantly have communication problems and when i suggest the very limited options we have, she doesnt wanna do jt. j tell her "stop ghosting me, its rlly frustrating" or "stop making jokes that could be harmful" she does jt anyway, and then, actively has chose to hang out with over me, despite us having plans. "i dont want to text, im just super tired" but yoh always managed to message me a little, because you want tk talk to me, jt wpuld be easier flr you to say you dont want to talk to me. "i dont like texting" then why make a connect with someone who lives an ocean away. why did you come back all those times youve vanished for months, literally ever since the beginning of our friendship. im so tired of this. why am i getting treated like we havent known each other for so long, like im needy. i just cannot cope with the sudden switch of you being here and you vanishing without any explanation. im so sick of this, like genuinely.

ive had close friends before, but i feel like when i try to be vulnerable with some of them, it just feels like either rhey arent comfortable with jt kr they dont want vulnerabilities to exist at all. when im vulnerable with the friend in the previous paragraph, its just feels automated sometimes.

and then to make matters worse, my sleep is awful, my mom treats me like i didnt come from her womb, and i have to drown myself in school stuff thag i do not want to do. im only doing it bc i cant get a job nor cope with it bc im autistic.

i feel so pathetic. i cant function in a world that wasnt built with me in mind. i have no real connections, no job, no car, no home of my own. i just dont know what to do anymore. it was like i was destined to fail. and even worse, i cant even get close to all of the ppl that have similar interests that i have because a fear they will be like an old friend that was really bad for me at my young age. the friend that told a racist joke to me and another friend (we are both poc and he was white). just moved to a racist part of the county for a few months and that was it.

maybe im just insecure, but its hard to not be when i keep getting treated like this, like maybe i am the problem, maybe theres something wrong with me and thats why i dont have any close connections. i yearn to be love and appreciated for who i am and i think i deserve that. im just so miserable right now.

like bro, im almost 22 and feel so stuck. but i have no where to go. i feel awful.

[winniehasapenny]

not normie enough to fit in but not fringe enough to lean into being a freak, worst of both worlds, pure liminality, just the weird coworker, and unrelatable classmate. and your mutual

[winniehasapenny]

i figured out my problem last night, i dont feel like anyone can rely on me to be there for them for emotional support, and maybe its bc i overshare my emotions?? and they get overwhelmed, but if thats the case, i dont know, and sometimes i feel like i cant rlly talk to ppl without getting dry support or just dry messages overall? and then no one comes to me abt their problems, like please trauma dump on me, i like hearing abt other ppl and getting close to ppl, my closest friend that i tell everything rarely ever tells me things, and its like, i just dont feel trusted enough, nd then i feel bad when i always talk abt things that bother me and they dont do the same, yknow?? like i wanna be the person someone needs to vent to and i am there for support and maybe give advice, yknow?? like theres a lotta times where i just get insecure abt how much i ramble on n on, bc no one feels comfortable doing that with me

and i just feel like everyone already has thay person? like, all tje ppl ik have a person they go to when they need emotional support anyway, so i cpuld never be rhat, no matter how much i try, nd it just makes me sad, i dunno, maybe it just takes more for ppl to open up (even if weve known each other for awhile 💔)

or maybe im just not trustworthy enough?? i just hope one day i am that for someone as much as they are for me