worldofherwords

[worldofherwords]

i dont know how

I don’t think I fully know what it means to be loved for myself.

All my life I’ve always been loved because of something, I then turn that something and amplify it and make it my whole personality to ensure that my partner would continuously.

I’m afraid to be forgotten, to bore someone, for someone to be tired of me.

All my life I have to be someone they will love, pick and choose which parts of myself I’d allow them to see.

I am scared to find out that I’m not I’m not for long term;

That all I’m good for is cheap thrills and short adventures.

I mean, let’s be honest, what’s the longest someone has ever loved me?

A year with someone who has someone else?

Half a year with someone who lived in a made-up narcissistic world?

Honestly.

All my life, I’ve only known how to be someone else to be loved.

So, I don’t know what to do when someone says – “just be yourself”, because I’ve never really been loved for it.

What If I’m only good for short term love?

For something exciting?

For something fun?

For something shiny?

I don’t know how to be loved as myself.

[worldofherwords]

perhaps I'm destined to only receive flowers once I'm six feet under

[worldofherwords]

For What It’s Worth.

I wrote so much about how I want to ask for an explanation over what happened and how it happened. But at the end of the day, you did what you did because you thought that was best for you. I’d like to believe you, that you’re not a bad person, that the person I fell in love with really does exist and that he won’t do anything to hurt me willfully. Those moments with you really felt amazing, it was truly when I felt the happiest. When I felt most loved and cared for. I was my most authentic and vulnerable self with you. Everything you’ve presented to me, I truly loved. I know that what we had was real because it healed me. I want to thank you for that, genuinely. I thought I finally found my forever person, who is truly in sync and similar to me. That there’s no compromise with you. Was. This is such an exceptional kind of pain, where do I turn to for comfort? No book, prose, or song can explain my pain. It’s like air is being pulled from my body. It’s like experiencing sleep paralysis, it’s scary and painful but I can’t do anything about it but watch and hope that it stops soon; and god, I wish it stops soon. I will continue to believe everything you’ve presented to me, because inquiring further as to why and how it all happened will just draw out the pain unnecessarily. I will take it as it is and walk away, it’s not like I have a choice.

I sincerely hope that you find the happiness that you deserve, that you will choose it whenever it presents itself. I can’t wait to be surprised and see your name on the shelves of my local bookstore or read about you and your works, and I will proudly tell people that you were once in my life. I want you to know that I will continue to root for you, no matter what.

To quote one of my favorite books – I’ve realized that no matter where you are or what you’re doing, or who you’re with, I will always honestly, truly, completely love you.  

This is me letting you go.

Have a good life,

Will always be Yours. 

[worldofherwords]

Your love was the home I used to look forward to, now it’s the wound that I need to heal from.

[worldofherwords]

I hope the next love is gentle, kind, and consistent.

[worldofherwords]

And one of these days, I promise to the universe and myself, that I’ll stop picturing you whenever I listen to love songs.

[worldofherwords]

I'd like to be my old self again but I'm still trying to find it.

All Too Well, Taylor Swift

[worldofherwords]

I want an emotional connection with someone, a spiritual one. One that is based on feelings, energy, and frequency. I want us to be on the same level and grow at our own pace, and be comfortable with each other. I want something real, something that doesn't depend on other factors. A kind relationship, a gentle and understanding one. That's what I want. Someone I can be myself with, someone who I can trust and feel safe with, someone who will love my soul when all I really ask is for them to love my heart

rm drake

[worldofherwords]

and on the days when I miss you the most, thats when I will love myself harder, the way I wanted you to, the way I needed you to.

[worldofherwords]

I am giving up.

I am giving you up and letting go of everything that is holding me back from healing. I take back all of the energy I’ve invested in you and our relationship. I have done everything I could and in my control to make it work but you wont. 

I am giving you up. 

I am choosing myself.

[worldofherwords]

I know I have feelings for you. They never left. But you’ve hurt me so much. So much. Even after promising you won’t. You were okay with letting me beg and suffer even if it wasn’t my fault. You were okay with me being in pain. And I don’t know if I can open my heart anymore because I’m scared.

[worldofherwords]

96 Days.

Seeing how people, who I don’t even give my time of day, treat me as if I’m the most fragile thing in their life and comparing it to how you, whom I gave my everything and all, treated me as if I’m the most worthless person in the world is such an eye opener. Not a good one, not a pleasant one, but at least a reminder that there are people out there who see my worth. You just chose not to. And I have to be okay with that. It’s still painful but I’m trying to be okay with that. I’m in between this crossroads of hoping that you never experience the “love” that you made me feel because no one deserves that kind of hurt but also hoping that you experience at least half of the pain you put me through, just so you realize how shitty you were to me. So I hope you get the love you deserve. 

[worldofherwords]

i hope you tell them that i was the warmest place you’ve once been to before you turned me cold.

[worldofherwords]

I broke myself in smaller pieces for you. never again.

[worldofherwords]

[worldofherwords]

[worldofherwords]

Do you ever look at the moon and think of me?