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x-howfardoesthedarkgo-x · 7 years ago

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100 REASONS NOT TO KILL YOURSELF

1. We would miss you. Seriously your blog is a part of my daily life I will miss you.

2. It’s not worth the regret. Either by yourself if you failed or just simply left scars, or the regret everyone else feels by not doing enough to help you.

3. It does get better. Believe it or not it will eventually get better I promise I speak from experience. Sometimes you have to go through the storm to get to the rainbow.

4. There’s so much you would miss out on doing.

5. There is always a reason to live. It might not be clear right now, but it is always there.

6. So many people care, and it would hurt them if you hurt yourself.

7. You ARE worth it. Don’t let anyone, especially yourself, tell you otherwise.

8. You are amazing.

9. A time will come, once you’ve battled the toughest times of your life, where you will be so glad that you decided to keep on living. You will emerge stronger from this all, and won’t regret your choice to carry on with life. Because things always get better. It did for me and it will for you.

10. What about all the things you’ve always wanted to do? What about the things you’ve planned, but never got around to doing? You can’t do them when you’re dead.

11. I love you. Even if only one person loves you, that’s still a reason to stay alive.

12. You won’t be able to listen to music if you die.

13. Killing yourself is never worth it. You’ll hurt both yourself and all the people you care about.

14. There are so many people that would miss you, including me.

15. You’re preventing a future generation, YOUR KIDS, from even being born.

16. How do you think your family would feel? Would it improve their lives if you died? NO… Seriously NO

17. You’re gorgeous, amazing, and to someone you are perfect.

18. Think about your favorite music artist, you’ll never hear their voice again.

19. You’ll never have the feeling of walking into a warm building on a cold day.

20. Listening to incredibly loud music

21. Being alive is just really good.

22. Not being alive really sucks.

23. Finding your soulmate.

24. Red pandas (I know google it! Amazing)

25. Going to diners at three in the morning.

26. Really soft pillows.

27. Eating pizza.

28. Proving people wrong with your success.

29. Having the jerks who doubted you see you succeed at life.

30. Seeing someone trip over a garbage can. Picture it

31. Being able to help other people.

32. Bonfires and drum circles.

33. Sitting on rooftops.

34. Seeing every single country in the world.

35. Going on road trips.

36. You might win the lottery someday.

37. Listening to music on a record player.

38. Going to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

39. Taking really cool pictures.

40. Literally meeting thousands of new people.

41. Hearing crazy stories.

42. Telling crazy stories.

43. Eating ice cream on a hot day.

44. Eating ice cream on a cold day.

45. Traveling to another planet someday.

46. Having an underwater house.

47. Randomly running into your hero on the street.

48. Buying your dream home

49. Trampolines.

50. Think about your favorite movie, you’ll never watch it again.

51. Think about the feeling of laughing out loud in a public place because your best friend has just sent you an inside joke.

52. Your survival will make the world better, even if it’s for just one person or 20 or 100 or more.

53. People do care.

54. Tree houses

55. Hanging out with your soul mate in a tree house

55. Snorting when you laugh and not caring who sees.

56. I don’t even know you and I love you.

57. I don’t even know you and I care about you.

58. Because nobody is going to be like you ever, so embrace your uniqueness!

59. You won’t be here to experience the first cat world emperor.

60. WHAT ABOUT FOOD?! YOU’LL MISS CHOCOLATE AND ALL THE OTHER NOM THINGS!

61. Coffee

62. Hugs.

63. Stargazing.

64. You have a purpose, and it’s up to you to find out what it is.

65. You’ve changed somebody’s life.

66. Now you could change the world.

67. You will meet the person that’s perfect for you.

68. No matter how much or how little, you have your life ahead of you.

69. You have the chance to save somebody’s life.

70. If you end your life, you’re stopping yourself from achieving great things.

71. Making snow angels.

72. Making snowmen.

73. Snowball fights.

74. Life is what you make of it.

75. Everybody has a talent.

76. Laughing until you cry.

77. Having the ability to be sad means you have the ability to be happy.

78. The world would not be the same if you didn’t exist.

79. Its possible to turn frowns, upside down.

80. Be yourself, don’t take anyone’s shit, and never let them take you alive.

81. Heroes are ordinary people who make themselves extraordinary. Be your own hero.

82. Being happy doesn’t mean that everything is perfect. It means that you’ve decided to look beyond the imperfections.

83. One day your smile will be real.

84. Having a really hot, relaxing bath after a stressful day. Or anytime you like.

85. Lying on grass and laughing at the clouds.

86. Getting completely smashed with your best friends.

87. Eating crazy food.

88. Staying up all night watching your favorite films.

89. Sleeping in all day.

90. Creating something you’re proud of.

91. You can look back on yourself 70 years later and being proud you didn’t commit.

92. Being able to meet your Internet friends.

93. Hot Chocolate

94. You will never know what Barney Stensons Job is. #how i met your mother.

95. Cuddling under the stars.

96. Being stupid in public because you just can.

97. If you are reading this then you are alive! Is there any more reason to smile? I’m smiling at the thought that you’re alive.

98. being able to hug that one person you haven’t seen in years

99. People care enough about you and your future to come up with 100 reasons for you not to do this.

100. But, the final and most important one is, just, being able to experience life. Because even if your life doesn’t seem so great right now, literally anything could happen.

IF that isn’t enough:

Depression Hotline:1-630-482-9696

Suicide Hotline:1-800-784-8433

Life Line:1-800-273-8255

Trevor Project:1-866-488-7386

Sexuality Support:1-800-246-7743

Eating Disorders Hotline:1-847-831-3438

Rape and Sexual Assault:1-800-656-4673

Grief Support:1-650-321-5272

Runaway:1-800-843-5200, 1-800-843-5678, 1-800-621-4000

Exhale:After Abortion Hotline/Pro-Voice: 1-866-4394253

Child Abuse:1-800-422-4453

UK Helplines:

Samaritans (for any problem):08457909090 e-mail [email protected]

Childline (for anyone under 18 with any problem):08001111

Mind infoline (mental health information):0300 123 3393 e-mail: [email protected]

Mind legal advice (for people who need mental-health related legal advice):0300 466 6463 [email protected]

b-eat eating disorder support:0845 634 14 14 (only open Mon-Fri 10.30am-8.30pm and Saturday 1pm-4.30pm) e-mail: [email protected]

b-eat youthline (for under 25’s with eating disorders):08456347650 (open Mon-Fri 4.30pm - 8.30pm, Saturday 1pm-4.30pm)

Cruse Bereavement Care:08444779400 e-mail: [email protected]

Frank (information and advice on drugs):0800776600

Drinkline:0800 9178282

Rape Crisis England & Wales:0808 802 9999 1(open 2 - 2.30pm 7 - 9.30pm) e-mail [email protected]

Rape Crisis Scotland:08088 01 03 02 every day, 6pm to midnight India Self Harm Hotline:00 08001006614

India Suicide Helpline:022-27546669

Kids Help Phone (Canada):1-800-668-6868,

Free and available 24/7 suicide hotlines around the world:

Argentina:54-0223-493-0430 Australia:13-11-14 Austria:01-713-3374 Barbados:429-9999 Belgium:106 Botswana:391-1270 Brazil:21-233-9191 China:852-2382-0000 (Hong Kong:2389-2222) Costa Rica:606-253-5439 Croatia:01-4833-888 Cyprus:357-77-77-72-67 Czech Republic:222-580-697, 476-701-908 Denmark:70-201-201 Egypt:762-1602 Estonia:6-558-088 Finland:040-5032199 France:01-45-39-4000 Germany:0800-181-0721 Greece:1018 Guatemala:502-234-1239 Holland:0900-0767 Honduras:504-237-3623 Hungary:06-80-820-111 Iceland:44-0-8457-90-90-90 Israel:09-8892333 Italy:06-705-4444 Japan:3-5286-9090 Latvia:6722-2922, 2772-2292 Malaysia:03-756-8144 (Singapore:1-800-221-4444) Mexico:525-510-2550 Netherlands:0900-0767 New Zealand:4-473-9739 New Guinea:675-326-0011 Nicaragua:505-268-6171 Norway:47-815-33-300 Philippines:02-896-9191 Poland:52-70-000 Portugal:239-72-10-10 Russia:8-20-222-82-10 Spain:91-459-00-50 South Africa:0861-322-322 South Korea:2-715-8600 Sweden:031-711-2400 Switzerland:143 Taiwan:0800-788-995 Thailand:02-249-9977 Trinidad and Tobago:868-645-2800 Ukraine:0487-327715

DID I MENTION YOU’RE AMAZING!

#help #suicide #you are beautiful #you are enough #you are everything #you are loved

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x-howfardoesthedarkgo-x · 7 years ago

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Back to You {Montgomery de la Cruz}

‘You could break my heart in two

But when it heals, it beats for you

I know it’s forward, but it’s true’

A terrifying scream cut through Liberty High’s corridor’s silence, like a knife’s blade, hurting the little blonde’s eardrums. Stopping in place, at first she wanted to ignore it, but finally she moved toward the men’s bathroom, from which the noise was coming, not expecting what she was going to see there. Taking a breath, she stood in the doorway, watching the brutal scene that was taking place in front of her eyes. The school freak and the object of jokes, Tyler Down, sat huddled against the wall of one of the booths, shaking, with slashed forehead and his pants pulled down. Two boys stood next to him, looking down at him with contempt and disgust in their eyes. This deplorable and unpleasant picture didn’t catch her attention for too long, and after a moment the blonde’s gaze went to the tall boy, throwing a mop into the corner of the room. Seeing the blood on the shaft and Tyler’s pulled off pants, she immediately understood what had happened just before she got here. She wanted to help the battered boy, but feeling dizzy with her legs refusing to obey, she began to reflexively retreat to the exit. At the same moment Montgomery looked up and their eyes met. He was furious, and the dangerous flash in his pupils strengthened the fear growing in the girl, making her wanting to be as far away from here as possible. The man standing in front of her didn’t resemble the charming and pugnacious boy she had known so far. Knowing she couldn’t take it anymore, she turned and fled from the toilet, which further aggravated de la Cruz’s anger. Instinctively clenching fists, he decided to run after the girl, catching up with her in the halfway of the corridor.

- You’re not going anywhere. - he growled, grabbing her wrist and pulling her toward him. He felt the blonde shaking with excess emotions and probably fear, but at that moment he didn’t care. He couldn’t let her go until he was sure she wouldn’t tell anyone what she saw.

- Let me go! - she struggled, making his fingers tighten even more on her wrist, causing pain. She knew who he was. She was aware that her ex had no control over aggression and treated people like nothing. But she has never been scared of him so far. She thought he couldn’t hurt her, but looking into his eyes, she was losing that confidence more and more with every second.

- You haven’t seen anything, do you understand? - he drawled through his teeth, staring at her sharply, ready to catch every lie.

- I’ve seen too much. - she hissed, staring hard into his hazel eyes, which could see through her. – You’ll rot in jail, Cruz.

She was aware that she was walking on thin ice. In the end, the man, who was standing in front of her, treated Tyler so brutally, hit Clay with car without hesitation, and threatened her and the rest of the people involved in the Hannah’s suicide. God knows what he was ready to do to keep her quiet.

She struggled once again, yet meeting resistance. Montgomery stared at her for a moment, and then, still clutching her wrist, he moved toward the janitor’s closet down the hall. She tried to free herself, but it didn’t help. The aggressive attitude of the boy, with which she had never before had to deal with in such a high level, put her in anxiety and fear of a more determined attempt to release herself.

After a while, the freckled boy opened the door, pulling Jennifer inside and slamming it behind them. He didn’t want to hurt her, but at the same time he couldn’t control himself. Without thinking, he pushed her against the wall. Maybe a little too hard, concluding by the expression on her face. He knew that when the emotions will finally subside, he will be furious, but this time at himself. For the fact that he treated her like that and didn’t think that he could hurt her. And according to him, she seemed so fragile and delicate. He could easily break her into thousands of pieces, like a porcelain figurine.

- Forget what you saw, Jennifer. - he looked at her, stepping closer, and the fact that she shook her head in response, didn’t surprise him at all. Why did she have to be so sickly good? If only this one time she could pass indifferently to the harm of others. But on the other hand, this kindness, care, gentleness and crystal heart drew him so much to her and intrigued him. -Tyler won’t say anything anyway, because he’s too afraid. And if he won’t say anything, why should you? It’s between me and that fucking faggot. It’s none of your business.

- Do you think why he is afraid? - she snarled, glaring at him. - How could you do this to him?

-How? And what, you didn’t see?- he leaned forward, resting his hand against the wall, right by her head. - I took a mop and put it in his ass, until he cried. He should be grateful. This is probably the most sex-like experience that will ever happen to him in his life.

Without thinking, she slapped him in the face with her hand. She wanted him to suffer. That it would hurt him as much as her, when she found out that her boyfriend, instead of supporting her, sent her letters with threats, because that was what Bryce expected from him. At the same time, she also knew that when she will finally get out of here, she will not go to the principal’s office to tell what Montgomery had done to Tyler. Instead, she will return home, trying to live as if nothing happened. She was sure that she will not say a word. She wanted to hate him, and he was giving her more and more new reasons to do so with every single day. However, they all lost their importance every time she saw him on the opposite side of the corridor, standing by his locker, with his characteristic smile, in one of those favorite flannel shirts he always wore and with which he covered her naked shoulders, whenever he came in the evening, knocking on the window, and then staying for the night. All these meant that Montgomery de la Cruz was still an inseparable part of her life and an addiction that devastated her from the inside.

-You are a monster. - she said quietly, staring at him with her eyes filled with tears. - You’ll be burn in hell for everything you’ve done, Montgomery.

- They already have a place for me for a long time. - he laughed quietly and mockingly, wiping a drop of blood from his split lip. - You just don’t understand anything, Jenny. - looking up, he met her golden irises. - Of course you don’t understand. After all, you live in your perfect world, have a loving father, brothers and friends who care for you selflessly. A beautiful, feisty, intelligent and confident blonde with the beauty of a little angel and a good heart. I’m not surprised that people love you so much. Unlike you, I have nothing. My parents don’t love me, my father beats the shit out of me whenever he wants, Tyler destroyed the pitch, and they canceled the season, I lost the scholarship and the chance for a good collage. He ruined everything that I've been working so hard for. My best friend doesn’t want to know me, although I’ve been protecting him all the time and doing what he told me to do, and you … dumped me and left me. I have nowhere else to go. I have no home. This team was my ‘home’ and now I lost it too.

-And that is supposed to be an excuse for what you did to him? - she said with obvious disgust in her voice. - Are you going to ruin life of all who gets in your way because you are angry and aggrieved? Your friendship with Bryce from the beginning was doomed to failure. If you think you've ever meant something to him, you’re even dumber than I thought. That son of a bitch would sell you at the first opportunity if he could save his ass thanks to that. Just like the rest of your damn team. You are not a family and you don’t care about each other. Indeed, it’s great to belong to a group, to walk the corridors as if you were gods, but all this 'brotherly bond’ is one big lie. - she crossed her arms over her chest, not paying attention to whether her words will magnify his anger and what consequences she will suffer for that. -Tell me then, why did you come to me every time your father beat you up and told you to leave? You have so many buddies who would certainly welcome you with open arms. Why instead of going to them, you appeared under my window with a black eye and bruises all over your body, asking me to sleep over at my house and promising that this situation won’t happen again? And I always let you stay, not expecting anything in return, because unlike your 'friends’, I really cared about you.

- Since you care about me so much, why did you told me to get the fuck out of your life with such ease? - raising his voice, he punched the wall, right next to her head, making her shake with fear and surprise.

-Who said it was easy for me ?! I didn’t want to break up with you.

He stared at the girl, watching her for a long moment in silence and trying to make sure her words weren’t a lie. Rage and bitterness still burned him from the inside, which was visible in his eyes, but this time there were no more dangerous and disturbing sparks in them. He needed her. As much as a drug addict, ready to do anything to get heroin from somewhere. Only with her he felt wanted. For the first time, someone honestly cared about him. And even though he denied it, he liked to feel loved. At home, he was treated like nothing, and at school everyone thought of him as a mean, cruel idiot, and it didn’t surprise him, he deserved such a reputation. Meanwhile, she didn’t care about those pinned labels and finally agreed to give him a chance. She gave him everything he needed, even though he didn’t realize it. And he eventually lost her, putting the safety of a fake friend over her good.

Now she was here and he had her all for himself again. He could do what he wanted with her, because in the end he was stronger, and nobody would hear anything from this place anyway. He could also explain and ask her to forgive him and take him back. He knew that she would probably agree to do it, but Montgomery de la Cruz never apologized and he wasn’t planning to make an exception even this time.

For a moment he was still staring at her golden irises, which he adored so much, and then, without thinking much, he touched her lips with his cut lip. And nothing happened. She didn’t hit him in the face. She didn’t push him away. Only her eyebrows rose like wings of a bird who doesn’t know whether to stay or fly away. At one point she closed her eyelids, returning the kiss, and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her closer as if she was everything he needed. He was still angry and torn, and excess feelings burned him from within. However, she was like ice, which brought him a pleasant coolness and relief, and the fear that if he held her for too long in his arms, the girl would melt, like one of those intricately carved figures and disappear forever. Suddenly, she put her hands on his ribs, covered with bruises after the last row with his father, causing a wave of pain. Montgomery, however, only bit his lip, ready to bear everything, if only thanks to this he would be able to have her with him longer.

Moving her hands down, Jennifer slid them under the boy’s T-shirt, feeling fresh wounds and scratches under her fingertips.

-Monty … - she said quietly, moving slightly away for a moment, but he grabbed her chin, pulling her closer and kissing her lips again.

- Don’t stop. - he whispered between kisses and the girl nodded. She knew that what she was doing was wrong, and her mind constantly reminded her of everything Montgomery has done. She should push him away, find Tyler and take him to Bolan to tell what happened to him. End the reign of unpunished jocks from Liberty High once and for all. However, she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t just walk away. Her life would be much easier if she fell in love with a good and decent boy like Clay Jensen, Alex Standall or Zach Dempsey. But it didn’t draw her to them. She never felt anything more to them except friendly sympathy. It was different for Montgomery. From the very beginning, everyone had warned her of this relationship, and when they began to date, her friends assured her that she would be crying because of him. And she cried more than once. Their relationship was an unpredictable range of ups and downs, filled with quarrels, arguments, but also tenderness and love. She never knew if the day would end up with her slapping him in the face, and Monty coming out, slamming the door, or would they lay late in bed, hugging each other, talking about everything and nothing. She loved him. His every advantage and disadvantage. Because he was also hurt as much as she and her friends. Only in contrast to them, he fled into aggression and fights, not sadness, depression and suicidal thoughts. Jennifer wanted to help him so much. Give what no one has given him so far, no matter how much it cost her.

After a moment, she slid his flannel shirt off his shoulders, throwing it away somewhere on the floor, and encouraged by this, he slipped his hands under her blouse, impatiently sliding his fingertips over her ribs and lace of her bra. He loved to touch her, feel her soft and delicate skin under his fingertips, and now that they were together again, he wanted more and more with every moment. Breaking away from her lips, he brushed his lips against her cheek and then the earlobe to finally kiss the blonde’s neck, biting her skin and leaving a mark. He knew how much she liked it, although when they started dating, she woke up each and every morning in order to cover the hickeys in visible places with the foundation. He watched her efforts with a slight smile on his lips, listening to complaints, and then leaving even more marks on her body indicating that she belonged to him. At one point she took off his T-shirt, staring at the bruises for a moment, but remembering his earlier words, she tilted her head slightly, closing her eyelids and giving him easier access to her neck. Without waiting too long, the boy stripped off her blouse, throwing it on the rest of their clothes and smiled at the sight of the white lace bra, she was wearing.

- I love it when you put it on. - he murmured, touching her collarbone with his lips and sliding down onto her chest.

- Yeah, I know. - she said quietly, taking a breath and biting her lip. Her hands wandered all over his body, and her fingertips examined every inch of his skin. He was so fucking handsome and perfect. She wasn’t surprised that when he walked down the hall, most of the girls couldn’t take their eyes off him. He moved like a god and she still couldn’t believe that she made him weak.

Suddenly, Montgomery undid her bra, taking it off, and then impatiently, he moved his fingers down her spine, pulling the zipper of her skirt, which after a while he slid down together with her lace panties. Gripping the blonde’s buttcheeks with his hands, he lifted her up so that she would wrap her legs around his hips and lean her back against the wall, smashing his lips onto hers . Knowing he couldn’t stand it any longer, he unbuckled the belt and unbuttoned his jeans, sliding them slightly together with the boxers, and connected their bodies. Jennifer’s eyes glazed with pain caused by sudden contact, and she dug her nails into his arms, leaving red crescent marks on his skin. Taking another breath, she closed her eyes tightly and bit her lip, hiding her face in his neck. Montgomery noticed her reaction, but he didn’t stop because he knew that the pain the girl felt would pass and be replaced by pleasure. Pressing her hips against his, he clenched his fingers on them, leaving bruises on the girl’s skin, which she would probably have to explain later to the curious cheerleaders, when they would dress up together in the locker room. But he didn’t care about it. What counted was the fact that they were here. Right now. Together. At that moment his whole world was only her. Her breath, which he felt on his neck, her closed eyelids, tears on his eyelashes, because of which her mascara smudged slightly, but even though, she was still beautiful. Her nails, digging into his skin, fingertips, sliding across his body, her voice that quietly spoke his name from time to time and her golden hair, through which he loved to run his fingers.

At one point, Jennifer tilted her head slightly, resting her forehead against his and looking him in the eye. In his hazel irises, which sometimes made her forget what world she was in. If there is light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just the sun in his eyes. The pain finally passed, and its place was taken by pleasure. She was used to the fact that he wasn’t gentle and it didn’t bother her. In the end, if she expected a typical tenderness and gentleness, she would date Alex or Zach. She liked the fact that Monty knew what he wanted, and his touch made her forget about everything that was happening around her. In this way he made her become his property and she knew that she shouldn’t accept such a thing, but at the same time she couldn’t refuse him. Montgomery de la Cruz became an inseparable part of her, just as she became an inseparable part of him. It was only together that they were a whole. He could break her heart, and when she finally managed to pick up the pieces and put them together, she would come back to him again. She thought about him when she was in the arms of someone else. A freckled dark-haired boy with hazel eyes will always have his place in her heart and no matter what, she knew that she will come back to him anyway.

‘I wanna hold you when I’m not supposed to

When I’m lying close to someone else

You’re stuck in my head and I can’t get you out of it

If I could do it all again

I know I’d go back to you’

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