yalla---yalla

[yalla---yalla]

Jordan always has the best horizon views. #maan #jordan #travelgram (at وادي رم Rum Valley)

[yalla---yalla]

Nerves and khawa

When I first decided to move to Jordan, I was so scared and nervous that I pretty much completely shut down my mind. This isn’t new. After I make a scary decision, and I’m sure it’s the right choice, I’ve always put up a mental barrier and just pushed through it. 

Now that I’m moving back to Chicago, at least for the time being, I feel the same way. I’m scared. 

I’m scared because Jordan has become my home too. I’m scared because I really love the people here, and I don’t want to lose them. I’m scared because it’s hard to maintain friendships and relationships across miles and time zones. I’m scared because there are aspects of the Jordanian culture that feel more like home than Chicago. I’m scared because there are some things I miss so much in America that maybe it will rewrite my experience here and I won’t come back to Jordan. I’m just really, really scared.

But that’s what we have to do, isn’t it? Do things that make us scared? In my 26 years of life, I’ve never found a better way to get over a fear than by simply pushing through it. So I’m going to push through, because khawa, I can. 

[yalla---yalla]

About endings

How do you decide when you're at the end of something? I go by my gut, but is that foolish?

[yalla---yalla]

Homesickness and emotions

Homesickness is a real thing, and when it hits there is nothing immediate I can do about it. My main ways of dealing with it are:

Calling my mom

Going to an American-style restaurant

Burying myself in a book

I think that theoretically the best way to deal with it is to remind myself of all the amazing things I can experience here in Amman that I wouldn't be able to experience in Chicago. To be honest, this works most of the time, but I won't say it doesn't take effort. It's definitely choosing happiness, which is a philosophy I subscribe to in general (of course only for those who are able). 

On the days my dad used to drive me to school, we used to look out at Lake Michigan and he would talk about what a beautiful day it was and how lucky we are and I know that’s true. I really, really do. So many people would be grateful to feel safe and welcomed in one city, and I have two that I can call my own. But still, is it okay to sometimes just want a hug from my mama?

[yalla---yalla]

The question of fluency

Everyone always asks me if I speak Arabic, and it’s hard to know what to say.

First of all, there are like 40 dialects that are mostly linguistically different enough to be categorized as separate languages, so it’s kind of like asking if you know all the Latin offshoots. Like, quite a stressful question there, bud.

Second, the level I’m able to speak totally depends on who I’m talking to. If I’m talking to M, I can talk for hours about any topic. For sure I make 1000 mistakes, but my meaning always comes across. If I’m taken by surprise and someone I’m not expecting to speak to me says something, I barely can manage more than an “esh? Mish fahima.”

This can be really frustrating when I meet new people. Obviously, in English I can start chit chatting immediately, but in Arabic I need a good 5-10 minutes to warm up and get comfortable. Sometimes, this results in people thinking I’m stupid (for example, being referred to last night as hindia-an awful, racist insult meaning I’m stupid) or boring.

There’s no solution except to practice more, I guess.

[yalla---yalla]

This is so true, especially about never being 100% one or the other. 

[yalla---yalla]

Clarification to My Poetry-Readers by Nizar Qabbani

And of me say the fools: I entered the lodges of women And never left. And they call for my hanging, Because about the matters of my beloved I, poetry, compose. I never traded Like others In Hashish. I never stole. I never killed. I, in broad day, have loved. Have I sinned?

***

And of me say the fools: With my poetry I violated the sky’s commands. Said who Love is The honor-ravager of the sky? The sky is my intimate. It cries if I cry, Laughs if I laugh And its stars Greatens their brilliance If One day I fall in love. What so If in the name of my beloved I chant, And like a chestnut tree In every capital I, her, plant.

***

Fondness will remain my calling, Like all prophets. And infancy, innocence And purity. I will write of my beloved’s matters Till I melt her golden hair In the sky’s gold. I am, And I hope I change not, A child Scribbling on the stars’ walls The way he pleases, Till the worth of love In my homeland Matches that of the air, And to love dreamers I become A diction-ary, And over their lips I become An A And a B.

[yalla---yalla]

Iftars on iftars on iftars

The first 6 days of Ramadan have definitely been my favorite since I've been here. Every night, I've been lucky enough to go to a lovely home and eat a home-cooked meal. I feel so welcome and so accepted and so blessed that all these amazing people that I didn't even know a year ago have collected me and adopted me even when I resist and now I have a real sense of belonging here. Alhamdulillah.

[yalla---yalla]

Lol, foreigners (myself included)

When I first got here last August, I felt like everything I did made it clear that I was a foreigner, from my clothes to my accent to the way I smile when I say literally anything to the fact that I scramble eggs with butter, not oil. I was so self-conscious. I was stressed all the time about doing new things, because more than anything else, I hate to stand out unless it's unequivocally in a good way (or better yet, a fantastic way). I wouldn't say that I've completely gotten over that, but I do feel like as time has gone by, I have just as much of a right to be on these streets as anyone else in this country. I do my best to help the khaltos on the street. I give directions to passersby. I don't belittle the Jordanian culture or way of life by insisting they MUST be modeling their industries after ours and as such I should give them hints. As a result, I am too.darn.tired. to worry about "not fitting in"-and experience has proven that these worries aren't even necessary. So now, when I do something that marks me as foreign, like sit down in the middle of that tiny green space at 7th circle with a book, or accidentally summon a bus when I think I'm saying no thank you, or sit campfire-style in a booth at a restaurant, I've had to just assume that for the people noticing and staring (which, of course, there will always be) they're just giggling to themselves about those weird foreigners instead of being offended that I haven't don't a better job assimilating. And of course, when I think of all the amazing Jordanian citizens I call my friends, I'm sure that everyone just wants me to feel happy and welcome-but they still think it's funny that I happily put my makeup on in public and wear flip flops as shoes.

[yalla---yalla]

🙏 #freepalestine #VivaPalestina #فلسطين #فلسطين_حرة (at Ramallah)

[yalla---yalla]

Christmas lights in the Armenian quarter of Jerusalem #مسيحي #القدس #فلسطين #christmas (at Armenian Quarter)

[yalla---yalla]

Coffee for @hannah__sean in Ramallah #شطور #قاهوة #فلسطين #رام_الله (at Ramallah)

[yalla---yalla]

The mountain behind us is where the devil is said to have tried and failed to tempt Jesus (Matthew 4:8). This is to the north west of Jericho. #اريحا #فلسطين #اسلام #مسيحا (at Mount of Temptation)

[yalla---yalla]

Gorgeous, ethereal view of the Nile from the top of the Cairo Tower #nofilter #tbt #مصر #برج_القاهرة #نيل (at برج القاهرة)

[yalla---yalla]

$268

Flights from Amman to Athens are $268. I’m pretty sure it would be losing money not to go. Just saying.

[yalla---yalla]

Christmas.

Hookah nights

[yalla---yalla]

Shisha and a sunset. #VivaPalestina #فلسطين #الاردن #البحر_الميت #فلسطين_حرة (at Dead Sea)