youngmodern86-blog

[youngmodern86-blog]

I felt a small weight lift off my shoulders today. I’m not sure what it was or what time of day it happened but as I’m sitting here writing this I am starting to feel something very clear. I can feel the cloudy grey starts to dissapate.

I can tell I’m still feeling lost but I am feeling a little different inside my head. Not as much anger or confusion. I have one more day of freedom before I HAVE to start working again. I can’t keep letting myself slip and have this hurt me that much again and have to keep starting over and over. This is it. My new life is starting and I need to take it seriously.

Tomorrow I’m going to spend the day doing things I’ve let get away from me … I’m gonna take my car in and give it a good bath. I also need to get a few grocery staples to try and maintain healthy eating during the nexy few days. If I can get up the nerve I might try and make it to the gym. I’m not going to make too much of it and just let the day happen.

I am still looking in to some weight loss alternatives/solutions. It’s gotten to the point where I need too much help and I’m not sure I can do it soley on my own. If anyone has any suggestions please feel free to pass them along. I just know I need to do something and start now. I need to see myself succeed and not be scared anymore.

I have to let the fear go.

I think I need to cut ties with some negative forces in my life… I need to make myself a priority. Actually, myself and my husband. It feels good to say that. I just hope that we can start connecting again in a way that helps us both push forward. We are so much alike yet so different at the same time that it really makes for an interesting relationship. The one thing I know is that at the end of the day no matter what I can count on him to be there for me and I can’t say that for anyone else. We care about each other on a deep level and I don’t want to speak for him but I never want to be without him. Even if we get angry and say things we don’t mean we always find a way to make the other laugh and just be like … okay I get it .. we’re both crazy! Haha..

[youngmodern86-blog]

When I was growing up I thought my life was perfect. I had a my parents and my two older sisters. We lived in decent houses, we had extra curriculars, family game night, family events & vacations. It was pretty ideal. I did grow up with some set backs … the chunkier kid with thick-ass glasses and although I maybe noticed how other kids treated me I never really let it affect my self-esteem. I was in dance classes at the age of two and played sports some (mostly outside of school over anything else) so even though I may have been a bit heavier I was still active and in good shape. I was different. I was a sensitive kid. I loved music early on and would often sing and dance around the house or put on concerts or make home movies. I wanted attention. I wanted to have the spotlight. I remember when we moved into a small apartment while we were in the process of buying a new house and I was maybe … 7? 8? And I was listening to Janet Jackson in the closet on a boombox when CDs were just starting to be a thing. I was sexually curious early on.. that I know too. I guess I was just always very in tune with everything and everyone. Even before I knew what all these things meant. A lot of my childhood I don't really remember. I can recall a good chunk but sometimes when I think about it I can't seem to find it in my head.

When I was in the 2nd grade I started having reoccuring nightmares. I continued having them throughout the years. A little less often the older I got but still once in a blue moon. I remember being chased by a ghost that was definitely some older woman dressed in a white dress that was ripped obviously and I was with 3 other kids in my class. One of whom is still a close friend (even though over time we've definitely drifted).

Random…

[youngmodern86-blog]

I barely made it out of my house today… and it was only to grab some herbal relief. But I can feel the layers of shit shedding off it just takes time. I’ve had so much going on over the past few days, weeks, months etc… that I totally reached my breaking point. I have everything inside my head … the things I need to do and that I want to do.

Bottom line … I need to succeed.

I keep saying, okay this is it. Tomorrow will be different. Tomorrow it will change. And then I always repeat the cycle. I want to be scheduled and organized but for some reason I can’t. But after this week of constant battling I’m going to try a different approach this time and see how it goes.

Tomorrow is a new day and I just have to see it for what it is.

My husband is out of town and I’d really like to get myself together before he comes back. I’m sure that part of my problem. We recently got married (eloped) and we are still not living on our own because he’s had this trip coming up for a while and we agreed to start this all when he comes back so he could save money for his trip. I know I need to get out of my environment, I know that’s part of the reason I feel so suffocated and stuck. Until that happens I need to remember myself and not to get lost and just buried alive basically.

The house is empty tonight… I’m going to take great advantage of that! I need some rejuvination.

[youngmodern86-blog]

I kind of fell off track before the train even started. I don’t know what’s going to change with my desire to put in something grand into motion. I want to so bad but often times I can’t just get the “umph”. I did eat better this week. Even though I didn’t track any of it and even though I did have some of my binge tendencies. I was able to stay calm and relaxed most of the time. Some personal feelings dug a little too deep and it caused me to not snap out of the funk. I feel like one day I need to do some deep reflecting and writing about the person I used to be and when I was that person who I wanted to become. I think it’s an intense part of this journey. I need to stop bottling. And start putting myself in good situations. Start moving in a foward direction and be the person that guides myself and stop worrying about everyone elses influence(s) on me and start really trying to live.

Today has been a bit of a reflection day. When something tragic happens, whether its to you or not or really even effects you but you seee how it affects others, I really start to pay attention to my own voice. I feel like I’ve needed to be heard my whole life and I see these people dying who have done nothing but share themselves with the whole world and still end up where they don’t want to live. I’ve felt that before. I’ve been there. I’ve felt those feelings and I’ve always thought of what it might be like but I know that I could never actually go through with it. I think the reason for that is because I KNOW I can make a difference in AT LEAST my own life whether or not anyone or no ones or gets it or is affected. The one thing that has always terroized me is the fact that all these people have had this beautiful outlet of how to “temporarily escape” whether it’s making movies or playing an instrument or writing lyrics or singing or being the top chef or something commendable, where they use their issues to develop this lovely talent. For the longest time I always wanted my life to be like that. Great. Use my voice to help others who feel just like me. I grew up dancing and singing and performing for people. At talent shows, for my parents, in my bedroom. I was a natural performer. I dressed in constumes and put on concerts or had to be the best & youngest gymnyst in my class. I always recognized MUSIC as my core interest. It made me move and touched my soul and my heart and even being young I knew it made me feel good or better.

As I got older and things started changing in my world I always felt so lost except for when I was doing something relating to music. But after a while all the things going on in my life and my own personal choices took me down a pretty ugly path.

I think I picked up an addiction to food accidentally and without noticing. I was too young and niave. If I was sad, or mad, or alone, or dwelling, or whatever feeling I might have had I could always satisfy my craving … if you’re hungry, you eat. That easy.

When my parents divorced I think it really affected my ability to make choices. ANY choices. I did a lot of shitty things to others as well as to myself. And it just was one shitty experience to the next and I never stopped it from changing. It kept dwindling. And now I’ve dwindled to nothing. And have to start over like a baby. A big fat baby who is no longer qualified to do anything special or awesome. <<< see that that’s the problem. My self loathing came out.

Deep down I do think I’m capable. But I can’t understand how to rise above it.

I had to just write. Sometimes it doesn’t all make sense and if you don’t know me it makes even less sense. But I’m starting this new thing … it’s called … just letting it all out.

[youngmodern86-blog]

[youngmodern86-blog]

I feel so much better today. A little less frozen. Getting that check in the mail yesterday seriously was a miracle. I woke up this morning around 7am and took a shower and ate a banana for breakfast. I took my time to get ready and brush my hair and feed my dogs and kind of great the morning. I headed to the bank and deposited my check and did something I haven't been able to do in a while ... buy necessary toiletries. Most people think it's just so easy to go out and buy these things... well it hasn't been a luxury for me lately... financially or with my social anxieties. So I headed to Target 🎯🎯🎯 and did a little shopping. I ordered an iced coffee w coconut milk and 2 pumps of classic instead of the regular 6 that they put it there (wow! That's a lot for anybody!) immediately so I could thoroughly enjoy my experience. I bought all the necessities... shampoo, conditioner, deodorant, razors, a new loofa, hair ties, and all that other good stuff. I also bought some vitamins for my hair, skin, and nails and some multi vitamin/energy booster. Being depressed has a really ugly side. Lack of personal hygiene and simple things like brushing your hair become a dreaded task. But I have felt a sense of enlightenment and I need to let it ride because I'm determined to change my life. Regardless of other people's thoughts or motivation or lack there of. I'm feeling positive about this journey. One step & one day at a time. It's such a cliche saying but it's totally true. .... It's 9:11 (pm) right now. I always look at the clock at this time and I always realize it. Anyway... had a decent day. After doing a few things for myself I came home and my friend came over and we swam in the pool for a bit and did some mad-libs and had a good time. My husband was also around for a bit today which was nice. He's about to leave for a motorcycle trip to New York and back in two days. He will be gone for 3 weeks. I sure will miss him. For a late lunch I had yogurt & blueberries & a small serving of my organic tortilla scoops and tomatillo. I made dinner - a boca chik patty topped with a cheese blend and mustard, sautéed asparagus, and a side caesar salad. I just have to keep taking everything one step at a time. Tomorrow is going to be a family pool day and so I'll be at the house and making sure to eat well. Also am going to take my car for a good wash and put her back into good clean shape.

[youngmodern86-blog]

The first day is a slight fail. It's only 9:45 and I'm already saying that. However, I think I can make good use of the rest of my day even if I didn't accomplish ... leaving the house. No gym or work today. How pathetic is that? Moving on... I cleaned my room and straightened some things up. I took a gummy because I needed something calming. I'm going to still make good use of the day by actually cooking and eating some of the foods I got for the next few days. I'm going to watch my bingeing and really try to tell myself no when I see signs of it happening. If I'm going to binge it needs to be on fruits and veggies not cheeseburgers and tacos. I broke down to my husband today ... it makes me feel a little bad because he is sick and I'm unable to give him the real comfort that he actually needs right now because I'm dealing with my own demons and can't get out of my own head sometimes. I think I need to learn how to control my thinking and where my head goes during the day. I kind of talk to myself inside my head about fake scenarios or just what I could be or should be doing but I'm not. Over thinker & dweller. Add those on top of everything else 😂 at least I'm really starting to recognize my feelings for what they are and maybe I can overcome this. You know what I mean? This is what this outlet is for right now. This is why this blog even though it's just for me is what I need. Release. Freedom. A famous drummer explained it perfectly ... it's like you're being trapped inside your own body. To be continued... I ate breakfast today... a banana and yogurt. I had lunch also ... boca chik patty w/ mustard and garlic toast A small serving of organic torillas w/ tomatillo 2 cookies So as far as the day goes I'm on track for what I wanted to eat. I didn't binge which is good although the cookies shouldn't have been eaten but when they are available ... it's hard to say no. I need the other people in my house not to purchase all the bad stuff because it's too tempting and too close right now. I need to disconnect from food. I need those cycles to go away. For dinner ... I have some balsamic chicken marinating in the fridge with a little garlic, salt, & pepper. I'm also going to make some cauliflower rice and asparagus w/ lemon. It's a very low calorie meal and also has enough flavor for me to not get sick of these types of meals. Protein & 2 veggie sides ... pretty boring after a while so you just have to learn how to jazz it up a bit. I can't be afraid to succeed. I'm still so on edge. I am going to take a long relaxing bath later and try and get some actual restful sleep. Wake up in the morning. And work. .......

[youngmodern86-blog]

Tried to buy only what I was planning to eat for the next few days. I'm really trying to control what I eat, portion sizes, as well as cost. Bingeing can be costly as well as depressing and destructive. I'm planning out the next few days worth of meals as well as my personal schedule and going to follow through as close as possible. Thursday ~ Wake up @ 7am Breakfast - banana and iced coffee w/ coconut milk Pack lunch & bottled water for work Gym @ 8:15am for 1 hour (track) 🚿🚿🚿🚿🚿 Work @ instacart 11-5 💰💰 Lunch - yogurt, carrot chips w/ hummus, blueberries Dinner - chicken breast tenderloin, side caesar salad, asparagus w/ lemon 🍋 Snack - chips and salsa (one serving) Lights out @ 11pm Friday ~ Wake up @ 7am Breakfast - toast w/ peanut butter & banana, iced coffee Pack lunch & water for work Gym @ 8:15am for 1 hour (track) 💪🏻💪🏻 🚿🚿🚿🚿🚿 Work @ instcart 11-5 Lunch - yogurt, side salad (oil & vinegar), blueberries Dinner - chicken breast tenderloin, side caesar salad, green beans Snack - carrot chips w/ hummus Saturday ~ Day off ..... 🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻 Wake up @ 7am Breakfast - oatmeal w/ banana Lunch - chik patty & asparagus Snack - cherries 🍒 Dinner - vegetarian taco salad w/ chips Exercise - pool day! Laundry day Sunday ~ Breakfast - cereal w/ coconut milk 🌴 Work @ instacart 11-5 Pack lunch & bottled waters! ☀️☀️☀️ Lunch - banana & side salad (oil & vinegar) Dinner - chik patty, riced cauliflower, corn **inventory groceries Make grocery list and shop for a beginning of week ***gym Monday, Wednesday, Thursday, Sunday next week ***schedule week accordingly Monday @ Amazon & instacart (10-2/3-6) 7 Tuesday @ instacart (9-3) 6 Wednesday @ Amazon (1030-230) 4 Thursday @ instacart (11-4) 5 Friday @ Amazon & instacart (1030-230/3-6) 7 Saturday off Sunday @ instacart (11-6) 7 Hours :: 36 hours

[youngmodern86-blog]

I've always said "this is it!" So I guess I've always lied to myself. But as of recent, I have realized I need to start holding myself accountable for my life. I've always felt so disappointed that I couldn't rely on people but who I really need to rely on is myself. I need to be able to believe in myself again and remember that I can do what I put my mind to. As I embark on this journey I'll continue to use this and many other tools to keep finding myself. Suggestions are welcome 😂 I'm an extreme introvert, high anxiety levels, depression, and a binge-eating disorder with possible manic tendencies. Self diagnosed of course. Because I'm petrified of being told what I already know. I know myself well enough to know my problems while not be in denial about it anymore. It's such a long story how I got here ... But for now... my goal is to find freedom. I'm not sure if I'll enter therapy but it's a potential necessity when dealing with mental disorders and I may need some professional help overcoming some things which I'm willing to take those steps when it's possible. I'm 315 pounds and I'm 5'2. I'm 30.5 years old. I'm in love with anything that can be called "art" from music to movies to painting or cooking. I find beauty in everything. I cry at everything. I am sarcastic and definitely misunderstood and have a hard time relating to anyone because I either feel like no one cares or no one will actually understand how I feel on the inside. That connection. I don't connect with many. I'm not sure if it's me or if it's everyone else. Maybe one day I'll figure that out. Anyway... I'm starting to work towards a new lifestyle. While I enjoy that I'm laid back and understanding and logical ... I want to change my body. I want to become healthy. It's not all about looks. But looking better will also help *some* of my mental freedom and some of social anxiety. I'm going to work on a new meal plan that is pretty strict. I've used these meals and portion controls before and they've worked. I just need to stick to it. I need to hold myself accountable and act like an adult. Meal plans, exercise, and working full time are my short term goals. I'm currently career-less because I can't figure out what I need to do or where I need to be. My anxiety and depression has been so crippling lately I haven't been able to leave my house. So. Baby steps. I'm going to work on a strict schedule and just get through each day and make it happen. There's no other way to do it. No one to do it for me. Does anyone have any work out suggestions? I have to start slow but I also need to be able to push myself. I have a gym membership and I enjoy going. But there are a few things I need to get so I can do more when I'm at home. When my anxiety kicks in its hard to be in public places. I have a "comfort zone" but is hard to go outside of that in front of other people. I'm rambling ... so I'll check back later ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨ I marvel at the stars And feel my heart overflow