zedate

[zedate]

Ngl I’ve been resisting the temptation to post more scenes from Atom Heart Father (my fic) here but fuck it, it’s my blog, why the hell not. I’m more likely to get any kind of written response/reaction to my writing and as much as I love getting kudos, comments are even better, even mean ones lol.

Here goes it.

The Biting Cold - Atom Heart Father (unfinished scene)

Also this is a lot of me projecting bc where I live the winters can be fucking brutal, especially when you live on a huge campus and have to walk a lot to get from place to place. It’s better than living somewhere super hot (I’m much more heat sensitive than not) but the amount of layers you need to wear just to leave your house is insane. So I figured why not make these two suffer with me lol.

Early december, 1965

Yoshihiro didn't want to get out of bed that day. He knew he had to—his appointment was today—but it was so unbearably cold. He wanted to stay curled up under the covers, even though they provided little warmth.

Temperatures were almost at freezing, and the wind was brutal. It hadn’t been this bad a week ago, or even yesterday; it had to be today of all days when the weather was at its worst.

Fumiko and Yoshihiro spent ten minutes suiting up, Yoshihiro struggling to squeeze his belly into a winter coat that no longer fit him properly. If he sucked in his gut, he could just barely manage to zip it up, but it was too tight; the pressure made him feel a bit sick to his stomach, with how it cinched around him. The baby clearly didn’t like it either, as he was making his disapproval known by kicking and squirming around, more intensely than usual. He was still small enough where it didn’t feel suffocating, but big enough that his movements were distracting to Yoshihiro—they were starting to wake him up at random times of the night, and they made it harder to focus when he was reading.

“Come on, let's go,” Fumiko huffed, clearly irritated by the amount of layers she had to wear. At least they had that in common.

Yoshihiro wore an underlayment shirt and thermal underwear (which were uncomfortably tight), a button up shirt (bordering on tight but not quite outgrown yet), snow pants (which sagged and moved around with every step), a knit sweater, and a stiff, noisy button-up coat—the kind that shuffled and crinkled with every movement. And of course, earmuffs, mittens, and a hat, which fit him properly. He felt ridiculous, wearing so many layers and mismatched pieces of clothing, and he wasn't looking forward to walking into the office suited up like a fireman. Even Fumiko, in spite of her coordinated wardrobe and properly fitting clothes, looked a little silly, with her scarf wrapped around her face like a mummy.

The ride there was suffocating. With the car protecting them from the cold, he felt like he was baking in an oven under all the layers, and he cringed as he felt sweat pooling in his undershirt. But he knew it would be too much of a hassle to take all of it off just to put it back on before they left the car; and besides, it was only an eight minute drive to the clinic. Still, he felt a huge sense of relief when they finally arrived and stepped outside, even as the crisp, sharp winds nipped at his bare face. The ground was icy, so he was extra slow—he didn’t need any more incidents on his hands. Him and Fumiko shuffled inside, brushing off their boots on the welcome mat.

The waiting room was jarringly empty, with only one other person; a woman, roughly in her thirties, wearing a red plaid jacket and fluffy earmuffs. She looked stylish, and Yoshihiro envied how put together she was.

They put their coats in the coat room and waited, avoiding eye contact with the woman, in spite of the fact that his condition wasn’t obvious. To the average observer, they looked like a normal pregnant couple, in the early months—it always took a while before women began to show, anyway. Still, he felt vulnerable like this; he hadn’t been in public for a while, and each time he came back out it felt like exposing himself.

They weren't waiting for long, and the receptionist called Fumiko’s name instead of his—to give them some security.

They walked back with the receptionist, down the winding halls that Yoshihiro had memorized by now. He could feel tension radiating off of Fumiko, without even looking at her; it seemed like she resented him at these visits, though she never said so. Just her body language conveyed as much.

The woman guided them to a small office in the back and told them his doctor would be there shortly. As soon as she left and the door closed, Yoshihiro felt tension settle in his gut. Him and Fumiko hadn’t spoken much lately—when they did, it never went well. She was still upset over what happened, rightfully so, but part of him wished she would just give him an inch of relief—a kind word, a truce, anything. He couldn’t stand it much longer.

The room was quiet, mostly, save for distant, muffled chatter coming from another room. Yoshihiro rubbed his thumb and finger together, trying to relax; he hated this kind of silence—the cold, resentful kind. He wanted to say something, anything, just to break the tension, but he wouldn’t dare speak out of turn—not after what he’d done. He didn;t know if he’d ever get Fumiko to forgive him for what happened, and that was terrifying—-he couldn't imagine living the rest of his life like this; stuck in a house with a woman who resented him. Just the thought was enough to make him start questioning his whole life; was this really who he should be with? Were they truly ready for this baby yet?

“I cant believe they’d make us wait like this,” she said, breaking the thick silence. “Our appointments are scheduled months in advance, why is he never on time? It’s unprofessional.”

Her voice was stern, but didn’t have his usual bite. She seemed calm, possibly—as always, he never knew what to make of her tone.

“Yeah, I’m surprised. He’s usually here by now.” Yoshihiro could feel his voice shake, though he tried to keep it still. Out of nowhere, the baby fluttered around and he visibly twitched, startled by the movement.

“What’s wrong? Does something hurt?” she said, finally looking at him. Perhaps she was in a more amicable mood than he’d thought initially.

“I’m fine.”

“What made you twitch like that?”

Yoshihiro swallowed.

“Oh, you know…the baby. He moves really suddenly sometimes. It startled me, that’s all.”

“Oh. I see.”

She averted her gaze, like she was uncomfortable. Was that inappropriate to tell her?

“Does it hurt when he does that?” she said, looking back at him. Her voice was softer than usual—she didn't seem irritated anymore.

“I mean, it’s uncomfortable, sometimes….not really painful, though.”

“I see.”

She glanced down at his stomach, and Yoshihiro couldn’t help but look away; it was weird, having her acknowledge his condition like this. Usually they didn’t talk about it, especially lately; it was an implicit rule, one he tried his best not to break. They could still acknowledge certain symptoms without bringing up the cause outright. Phrases like “baby” and “pregnancy” were generally off limits, but he could say he was nauseous or tired without disrupting the cautious atmosphere of peace they held so tentatively between them.

For this reason, appointments felt extra difficult for Yoshihiro—having to talk out in the open about being pregnant in front of Fumiko, discussing gestational weeks, due dates, bodily changes—it felt so inappropriate. He missed having privacy during these appointments; Fumiko had insisted on sitting in with him during them, ever since what happened. He wasn’t going to fight with her over it; she didnt need anything else to resent him for, when she already had plenty.

Yoshihiro was thinking about possible names in his head when finally, the door clicked open and his doctor came in.

“I apologize for being late, I had some unexpected business to attend to.”

“It’s no bother, really,” said Yoshihiro. The man sat down in the empty chair across the room, and Yoshihiro found his eye suddenly drawn to his crotch. The doctor’s pants were stiff, tight, and he could see the man’s bulge straining against the fabric. He wasn’t erect, but he seemed well endowed; Yoshihiro felt his chest stir at these thoughts. He blinked a few times, clearing his head. This wasn’t the time or place—especially not with his wife here.

“Anyways, it’s a pleasure to see you two again. I apologize for making you drive in this weather.”

“It’s alright, really,” Yoshihiro said, almost automatically. In reality, he did wonder why he didn’t just cancel it and reschedule.

[zedate]

I have unfortunately noticed that my sexuality is inextricably tied to dread and depressing thoughts but not in any sort of sexy way. If I get horny I will start dreading life itself.

Anyway does anyone else often pretend to be talking to a therapist for hours on end

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Me looking back at my psychotic episodes and realising the delusions make really good story material

[zedate]

Think I'm going to try to be a little more open about being schizophrenic here. Thats something thats just really hard to really open up on but. I'll try. Will probably make a longer post in a bit talking about things but yeah.

[zedate]

Its really funny every time I see this image being reposted cause I was mutuals with both the people in this screenshot

This is what 90% of proship discourse looks like to me.

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Not feeling like a human and not wanting to be a human =/= misanthropy.

I get the same exact flack when I tell people that I don't feel like a woman. Why is it that others constantly think it's because I secretly have something against women, when that's not the case. It feels like a chore to pretend to be one, much like it's a chore to pretend to be a a human with no atypical shifts and experiences. I have nothing against women, I am just not one.

It's a morally neutral thing to feel disconnected from humanity for whatever reason that might be. It doesn't make you a good or a bad person. I would think that's obvious?

Even some normal human things can be seen as being an alterhuman thing by others. Because a very large gray area exists and overlaps the two. There are some traits that are hard to label as explicitly not human and as explicitly human because nothing in reality exists in a black and white vacuum, where each thing is always the single cause of one or the other.

Personally, I don't fit or feel like I belong in any human culture anywhere on the planet. And some of my experiences are just so completely 'alien', that no one will actually look at it and go 'actually people elsewhere do experience that'. I experience things through a completely alien lens, even though I am sure some people can label some of these traits as part of a normal human experience. But due to the way I internally perceive it in my brain, it comes out as feeling very much not human in flavor.

Others can still have atypical human experiences and still consider themselves to be fully human anyway. It depends on the individual and on a case by case basis on how they want to label themselves as.

[zedate]

any other aros feel like when they "ship" something its not because you're interested in them as a romantic relationship but just because in most media people only ever portray or value romantic relationships. That lack making it feel like the only way for you to engage with their dynamic and relationship in any form seemingly has to be through the lens of romance ?

No? Just me??

[zedate]

I don't like changing my urls often but zedate was available?? (Sedate but with a Z)

That's exactly my brand of URL, something short but unique

Anyway byeee @/zodiac-blood (-w-)/

Helloooo @zedate

[zedate]

Sorry if I got the definition wrong- I thought it was "identifying as something to cope with stress/trauma/etc" I knew it was usually voluntary but didn't know it was specifically only voluntary identities.

If it helps explain why I worded my post the way it was I was thinking of a specific experience I've had, not sure what I should call it but best way to explain it is: During certain highly stressful situations I'll see myself as [___]. It's not a permanent part of my identity, just only during those specific moments. Usually it's really not a chosen thing, it can be, but usually it just happens. I guess the closest term otherwise is a flicker but specifically only when stressed

Once again. Sorry I got the terms wrong :v

I think a lot of people generally understand you can be kin of something that you don't like since it's not really a choice. But I don't really see a lot of people recognise you can be a kith or c'link of something you personally dislike.

Honestly our kith and c'link identities are mostly un-voluntary too which I guess a lot of people assume those are all inherently voluntary which is where the other assumption comes from?

[zedate]

I think a lot of people generally understand you can be kin of something that you don't like since it's not really a choice. But I don't really see a lot of people recognise you can be a kith or c'link of something you personally dislike.

Honestly our kith and c'link identities are mostly un-voluntary too which I guess a lot of people assume those are all inherently voluntary which is where the other assumption comes from?

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To be honest. I do not give a shit what diagnosis I theoretically have. If I experience a symptom I will talk about it, I do not need to prove to anyone what specific label might apply to me, cause that doesn't change the fact that I experience the symptom.

I've spent way too long stressed about how to talk about what I've got going on cause idk specifically which of the multiple disorders that could cause it is affecting me and trying to figure out just causes more stress anyway and I've never found a solid answer.

I do not need the explanation for why I have the symptom to experience the symptom and talk about it

[zedate]

Will give a warning that I will likely be talking about more nsft stuff. More along the lines of "discussions about sexual topics" but not actual sexual content if that makes sense. Like as in "my sexuality is affected by ___ kink and that affects shit weird" but not like posting porn or anything lol. Def nsfw posts but not in a horny way if that makes sense.

If you're a minor or just don't want to see those sorts of posts either block the #nsft and #kinda nsft tags, or you're always free to unfollow (I won't be mad. Its perfectly reasonable)

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Huh. Odd thing I've noticed-

So I do get that a lot of people tag their posts with DNIs, and like even though I don't really do it I get why others do- but I've also now noticed people tagging in their reblogs of posts with DNIs???

Like I really don't get the point with that??? If its your own post yeah sure ig do whatever tou you want but why would you tag "#___DNI" on someone else's post you've reblogged.

And it's not like its only been on posts where both the OP and the reblogger have the same opinion- I've literally seen people put like. "#proship dni" on posts they reblogged from someone who labels themself proship ???? (Also please do not spawn weird ship discourse here now this is NOT about shipping discource.) if you're going out of your way to put a DNI on a reblog atleast check who you're reblogging from lol

I really don't get the point of putting a DNI on a post that's literally not even yours??? You're not getting the interaction- the OP is

[zedate]

Anytime you see me woof with an exclamation point (which is almost always), just know that I love you and that I'm very happy to see you!

Woof!

[zedate]

/feel free to disagree with me. I love hearing others opinions! But this is my take on it/

Although rebuilding from the ground up would give better results and would be the best outcome, I have some issues with how the idea of an all at once revolution shapes a lot of discussion. If people are expecting a specific day where everything gets fixed it becomes a "maybe one day" instead of "we're progressing all the time". For many who may be super passionate for the cause it can start feeling hopeless not seeing that immediate fix as days go by without a full revolution if nothing else is being done. Losing a lot of that spark of hope we need for real progress.

Sometimes talk about the revolution unfortunately can fall into the same sort of mindset a lot of "rapture culture" tends to have. The idea that after one big day everything will be perfect and we'll have gotten rid of all the bad forever- Even after a revolution, we'll still have to keep working every day to progress, might as well start now to make the process easier.

Making big changes will always be the better outcome, and I try my best to make those big strides. I'll always try to come to a day where these large leaps in progress can happen. Ultimately though making little changes everywhere we can along the way will still help and for most people "feels more achievable" (which for some people means they're more likely to help.)

Obviously since my issues are a lot on how it shapes the mindsets we have, there will be some that will always have that spark of hope and/or won't fall into rapture culture ideas of things regardless of how we handle it. For me atleast it did feel that way, and seeing what big changes we can make every day through little things fuels me and inspires me to help the cause so much more than a much less tangible feeling all at once revolution.

edit:

no you can't see results, you have to choose

feel free to explain/discuss your position

reblogs appreciated

[zedate]

To all the alterhumans / nonhumans who dont know what to do: now is the time for you to start putting your money where your mouth is.

If youre an animal, it's time for you to be a goddamn animal. Be feral, Be aggressive, fight for your life.

If you're a dragon, then be a terror to Kings, and start burning down the halls of power like the dragons of yore.

If you're a mythical creature, have no concern for the social constructs of man. Stand proudly outside what people even believe is possible.

If you're plural, know you're never alone. Fight against individualism that seeks to divide each body into deterministic boxes.

If you're a fictional character who saved the world, believe that you can save any world. Don't back down now.

Now is the time to really believe that you are what you say you are. People in power are going to try to take that away from you. Don't fall for it.

It's time shed any preconceptions you have about what you're capable of. If you're an animal it's time to fight like one. A dragon that uses gasoline and matches is still a dragon.

All bets are off. If they want to treat us like dogs in a cage then im gonna start ripping fascists' throats out like one. And I'd better see y'all there with me, on G-d.

[zedate]

Me stareing intensely at the notion we're "all just dogs and cats"

hate it when people pull the "therians only identify as canines and felines" card

i have seen every kind of nonhuman identity, from apes to insects to cetaceans to civets to prehistoric animals to animals that never existed on earth

literally just look somewhere that isn't tiktok and you'll find us. just because most of the ones you find follow a certain pattern doesn't mean we're faking.

we are everywhere. we always have been. we are not leaving.