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I used to think activism made a difference. I used to think one voice could change the world if spoken loudly and truly. I used to think, as Harry Potter once said, “anything’s possible if you’ve got enough nerve.”
But that all changed when Donald Trump became President. You see, every day since the start of primary season I posted a Harry Potter meme on Facebook. And somehow it did nothing.
I remember when I posted this during the beginning of the primaries:
It should be a no-brainer. Bernie is Dumbledore, Hillary is Dolores Umbridge, Ted Cruz is Snape, and Trump is Voldemort. It’s obvious that you should go with Bernie Sanders. He’s Dumbledore and everyone else is a bad guy! Yeah, Snape becomes a good guy in the end, but he’s kind of creepy so you wouldn’t want him to be president. Imagine my surprise then when Trump and Hillary won the primaries. Did you not get the meme America? Was I too subtle? Fine. Here’s a clear endorsement of Hillary Clinton.
Did I like doing it? Of course not! But I had my country to think about and, while Dolores Umbridge is pretty insufferable, Voldemort is the ultimate evil. If I could handle voting for Dolores Umbridge for the greater good, then surely the rest of the country could do the same.
But people still voted for Voldemort. I mean how! The memeing was so clear! Could people actually think someone like this would make a good president?
His wig is a Horcrux! Horcruxes, in case you still aren’t following yet, are DARK MAGIC! I mean how could you vote for someone who split their soul in 8 different pieces? But then I was told part of the problem was voter obstruction so I was like, oh, ok, that makes sense. Here we can fix it.
50 points from Gryffindor! That’s brutal in the house cup standings. But did anyone listen? Nope! House Republicans are still looking to pass laws to take away voting rights. And now look where we are:
What happened JK Rowling? Isn’t good supposed to triumph over evil? Isn’t justice supposed to prevail in the end? Apparently not. Apparently your book series is a crock of shit. But I’ve learned my lesson. No longer will I use ineffective Harry Potter Memes to express my political opinions.
You’re saved America.
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What a fascinating study.
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Over the past century it’s been unanimously understood that the city of Los Angeles is the “best place in the world.” It was undeniable, accepted among scholars and the general population. But over the last few years another place has been creeping up the list, even going so far as challenging Los Angeles for its crown. That place is the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea. Now, I’m a life-long Angelino, so I’m not ready to roll over and die just yet. Let me make my case in TEN simple facts that prove why Los Angeles is better than the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea.
1) In-N-Out Burger: Welp, this ones a no-brainer. In-N-Out has been serving up delicious burgers and fries to Los Angeles residents for over fifty years with no end in sight. The closest In N Out to the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea? Over 3,400 miles. Yahhh ok.
2) Clean drinking water: Can’t stress this one enough. Most people drink water every day and Los Angeles has super clean drinking water compared to the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea, which is full of bacteria and blood.
3) Celebrity Culture: Admit it, we all get excited when we see David Schwimmer at a Pottery Barn. I guarantee the only people you’ll find in the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea are people that want to hunt you with a spear and eat you.
4) Restaurant offerings: L.A. has one of the highest concentrations of trendy and stylish restaurants. This is definitely a “food city.” When’s the last time you heard Gordon Ramsay was opening a restaurant in the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea? Hmmm? No go ahead, I’ll wait.
5) Proximity to nature: Alright, truthfully this was a close one, but I decided Los Angeles wins again. We have the beach, the mountains, and the desert. All within an hour of driving! The only thing the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea has is musty, dangerous jungle.
6) Art: I don’t care what the cynics say: art is the lifeblood of our human connection. It feeds the soul and fuels the very fabric of our culture. With art museums sprawled throughout the city, there’s no shortage of things to do. All the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea care about is eating people.
7) Diversity: For over a century L.A. has become home to people of all races and ideologies. This sort of acceptance is what makes it special. Last time I checked the wild jungle tribes of Papua New Guinea eat you if you’re different.
8) Dog Friendly: If there’s one thing Angelinos love, it’s their DOGS! Whether it’s a hot new brunch spot or that expensive boutique on Rodeo Drive, dogs are welcome pretty much everywhere. Good luck bringing a dog to the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea, unless you want it to be the appetizer to you as a human entrée.
9) Hollywood: Sure, most of the country hates it, but Hollywood has been feeding the country and the world with a majority of its entertainment for the last 100 years. The last film crew to film in the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea? Yeah…they met an unpleasant ending…
10) Sports: Lakers, Clippers, Dodgers, Kings and now the Rams. Yep. Los Angeles is overflowing with sports team to support and follow. Who’s the starting quarterback for the football team in the wild jungles of Papua New Guinea? I didn’t think so.
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Bookmarking this
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He took the same picture and removed 13 pixels from it every day for one whole year. Watch how much he changed.
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Now available at Target.
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Last Friday, two couples, Ben and Veronica and Trevor and Amanda, went out to dinner. By now, all of you know how spectacular it turned out, but I bet few of you know how it came to be. Before the perfectly filtered social media posts and “Great night tonight” texts there was an invitation, a reservation, and a dream. Nobody could have predicted the dinner would end up being the accomplishment that it was.
This is an oral history of that dinner last Friday, recounted by those involved.
Ben: I think it was either Monday or maybe Tuesday, I texted Trev. We hadn’t really hung out in awhile and I felt that it might be time.
Trevor: I remember getting the text, I was at home doing something in the kitchen. It said, “Got plans Friday night? Would you wanna do dinner with Veronica and me?”
Veronica: Ben had casually mentioned maybe doing dinner with friends Friday but I had no idea he was going to pull the trigger and ask those two right away.
Trevor: Now keep in mind, at this point I did not have any plans Friday night. I shot Amanda a quick text. Something to the effect of, “Ben and Veronica wanna do dinner with us Friday night. You down?”
Amanda: Of course I was up for it. It’s ridiculously difficult finding a couple that you’re friends with where everyone harmoniously gets along. It was a no brainer.
Ben: The whole thing took maybe forty-five minutes to confirm and then before you knew it, Veronica grabbed restaurant reservations and we were off and running.
Amanda: I remember the whole thing kinda coming together pretty fast.
I was also concerned about drinks…were they in the mood to let loose? Because if they were planning on turning it into an Uber kinda night they might be in for more than they thought.
Trevor: I was immediately excited. Ben said Veronica had this rad restaurant she had been to before and we had to try it. Veronica has really good taste and most people usually go with her rec’s.
Veronica: The restaurant was The Crumb House and I had been there before with my other friend, Melissa, and honestly it was one of the best restaurants I’ve ever been to. I was only worried about one thing.
Ben: It was a little expensive.
Veronica: I’m not talking ridiculously expensive like you have to budget for it, but some things just cost a few dollars more here and there. Add that up over a whole meal and you’re looking at a pricey night. You don’t want to drop that on people without warning.
Ben: I was also concerned about drinks…were they in the mood to let loose? Because if they were planning on turning it into an Uber kinda night they might be in for more than they thought.
Trevor: I was definitely looking to drink a little.
Veronica: I sent the Yelp link to Amanda so they could maybe see how much things cost. Give them an out or a chance to suggest something else.
Amanda: Veronica sent me the restaurant link but I purposely didn’t look at it. One of my goals for this year is to just say ‘yes’ to more things. I figured it’d work out just fine.
Trevor: It’s safe to say we were pumped. Now we just had to wait for Friday.
The week drew on and before you knew it, it was Friday evening. The group met around 7:15 at The Crumb House for their reservation. But what they discovered, they weren’t prepared for.
Ben: It’s hard to remember my exact reaction when they told me.
Veronica: Ben was…pissed to say the least.
Trevor: We were all stoked, ready to sit down, when one of the hostesses came up.
Cathy (The Hostess): One of the girls had messed up with the reservations. “Double booked it” as we call it in the restaurant biz. It pained me to deliver that news.
I could’ve kissed her, but Veronica would have been mad.
Amanda: I don’t want to say I cried, but if we’re being honest, I teared up just from the stress. I mean, we had this planned for almost four days.
Cathy: I felt absolutely terrible.
Trevor: I had worked for a few years at The Cheesecake Factory. It happens. I get it. I was a little more understanding, but I was definitely worried our night was going down the tube real fast. That’s when Amanda asked the single question that changed the mood around.
Veronica: Amanda comes in…with this question, this different point of view. I couldn’t believe it.
Amanda: “Is it full service in the bar area?”
Ben: I could’ve kissed her, but Veronica would have been mad.
Cathy: I could have kissed her but my manager would have been mad. “Yes, yes, a hundred times yes,” I said. I was just so happy I didn’t have to soak in that embarrassment any longer. I sat them in the bar area and gave them their menus.
Ben: At this point I remember the vibe being cool. The bar area was great, we sat in this booth, I remember. One of those big booths where the back seat cushions go really high so your table is kinda secluded in this little private half room. It was literally perfect.
Veronica: That fucking booth, man. I had previously sat in the main restaurant and I can tell you that dining area had nothing close to this booth.
Trevor: We immediately ordered a round of drinks, all the while talking about this absolutely incredible booth we were sat in. I’m sure the others will bring it up. It’s like we were in a little cocoon of fun. We were all feeling it.
Amanda: I get claustrophobic easily so the booth wasn’t really my thing.
Ben: After getting our drinks and knocking them back real quick, our waiter, Preston asked us the million dollar question.
Preston (The Waiter): It was a pretty routine question–I ask every single table it– but normally nobody gets so tense about it.
Trevor: “Are you folks thinkin’ any appetizers?”
Preston: I asked if they want appetizers. And I felt a weird chill come across the booth. They all sorta looked at each other nervously.
One of those big booths where the back seat cushions go really high so your table is kinda secluded in this little private half room. It was literally perfect.
Veronica: I always dread this portion of dinner. Appetizers. How are we gonna split them? If there’s buffalo wings and ten come in an order, and there’s four of us, how will we split that up, ya know? Two people get two wings and two people get three wings? God forbid someone say they’re just gonna order a main dish, then ask for a small bite once the rest of us order. It was just…too much to handle.
Ben: Appetizer decisions can really make or break a meal sometimes. The flow of the table has to be gelling with each other or it could go south real fast.
Trevor: We were all nervous. What are we getting ourselves into? I remember looking at Amanda–she was barely able to hold her menu she was shaking so much. I figured I should take a chance.
Preston: One of the dudes stood up for some reason, and kinda spoke like he was making a proclamation or something.
Trevor: “Spinach artichoke dip.”
Amanda: I melted. What a perfect choice.
Veronica: I wanted that immediately.
Ben: It was so…awesome and just such a “Trevor” moment I can’t even describe it. I remember all of us looking at each other and knowing at that minute that we were on to something. We needed to follow this instinct all the way through.
Amanda: Mac and Cheese balls.
Veronica: Barbeque chicken flatbread.
Preston: They were firing off starter dishes so fast I could barely keep up. There was this energy between them, they were finishing each other’s thoughts. I’ve served a lot of tables but I’d never seen anything quite like this.
The appetizers came. Then the entrees. Then another round of drinks. For two hours this meal took place and for those involved, it was the only thing that mattered. They may not have known it at the time, but they were all apart of something memorable.
Trevor: I honestly don’t remember. I probably had four drinks? Maybe five, we all shared this fish bowl sorta thing at one point.
Amanda: I remember experiencing this kind of euphoric feeling at the end of the meal. I’ve read things about people achieving a true state of nirvana and I have to assume I was close to that.
Ben: It definitely felt like a religious experience, I’d have to say. And I’m a devout atheist through and through.
Everything about the evening sort of rided on this moment.
Veronica: Preston came by and dropped off the check. I remember our chatter kind of died down. The entire dinner had been so sublime up to that point I think most of us had forgotten about the check.
Trevor: I was startled. Like “oh yeah, the fucking check.”
Veronica: Everything about the evening sort of rided on this moment.
Ben: I grabbed the check, I normally do that. I’m pretty comfortable dealing with numbers. But I did a quick analysis of the check.
Amanda: He was looking at the check for a little bit. I could see him counting to himself quietly.
Trevor: Everyone who’s eating out with a group typically keeps a running tally of their personal bill amount as they go. Yes, it can vary from meal to meal, and yes sometimes you had no idea bacon or something costs three dollars more but each person sorta has an idea of what they’re gonna have to pay before tip.
Veronica: Obviously, when you have a suspicion you’ve spent the most out of everyone you kinda keep your mouth shut and let the others devise a plan for splitting the bill.
Ben: I started asking each person various questions. Just trying to make heads or tails of this mountain of a bill. It was a small nightmare, each of us eating wildly different meals. But then, I realized something.
Amanda: Ben…just started smirking.
Veronica: It was this sort of devious grin like he had just cracked a code.
Trevor: I looked at my friend, unsure of what he was about to say. And then he said it:
Ben: “I think we’re all pretty even here. Wanna just split the bill four ways?”
Veronica: “Do you want to split the bill four ways?”
Trevor: Fucking “four ways.” It was earth shattering to say the least. The amount of stress we could take off our shoulders was ridiculous. Not to mention what this decision signified: We all knew in our heart of hearts that there’s no way it was an even split. Some of us spent a little more than others that’s just the nature of the situation. But the fact that we were all willing to just look past that detail, and accept the night as the enjoyable event that it was…man that was a revelation and a breakthrough in our friendship.
Amanda: (crying) I’m sorry…I just…get emotional whenever I think about it. It was pretty special I’ll just say that.
Ben: Preston took the bill and we all walked out together. I remember it was a super chilly night and we quickly realized we wanted to rush to our respective cars to get the heaters going. Veronica and I each hugged Trevor and Amanda and then it was strange…we all looked at each other, and almost in telepathic communication we all moved in and did a four-way group hug.
Trevor: I’m convinced I jokingly said let’s do a group hug, but the others will tell me until the day I die that that didn’t happen. It was a pure moment of friendship and spontaneity.
Veronica: Oh yeah…the group hug. That was something else.
Ben: The group hug made the night a masterpiece.
Amanda: Again, with my claustrophobia I was a little uncomfortable in the group hug.
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Dear Jeff,
Lately I’ve been feeling depressed. I get caught up in wondering what I should do with my life. I imagine myself in so many careers but never take the initiative to pursue any of them. Am I destined for failure? Let me know what I should do. Thanks,
Mike M, 19 years old
Boca Raton, Florida
Hello Mike, Thank you for writing. It sounds to me like you’re dealing with the typical crossroads every young person faces in their life. You’re confused about which direction you’d like to take because you’ve identified the drawbacks of each path. Fortunately, I have experience in this department so I’m confident I can help you. But first, it’s necessary to identify the problem.
What you’re dealing with isn’t unlike the parachute game. You may remember it from your elementary school P.E. class, but if not I’ll explain. Parachute is a game where the students of a class gather around a large, colorful parachute and grab ahold of their respective ends. When the grip is firmly in place, the students will then simultaneously lift the parachute above their heads until it reaches it’s highest point at which time they will draw it back downward towards the ground. This process is repeated at various speeds, depending on cooperation amongst the students and certain weather conditions. Sometimes kids are difficult to wrangle. I have a student named Jimmy that claims he has a condition called “deaf whistle” where he cannot hear the sound of a whistle. So whenever I blow my whistle for the class to stop what they’re doing, Jimmy will continue playing as if I do not exist. Why do you think Jimmy does that? It’s so annoying.
The real purpose of the parachute game is the run, where a student chooses to abandon their end of the parachute and dashes underneath the floating pocket towards another end. The best-case scenario would be reaching another position around the parachute, and the worst-case scenario is never reaching an end at all. In the event that a runner does not reach another end, the parachute will collapse upon them as they try desperately to get out from underneath it. When the parachute has reached the ground, the failed runner must find his or her way towards the hole, which is per the unilateral rules of American Junior Parachuting, always drilled directly at the center of the parachute – to allow the release of pressure from a grounded parachute, which if left undrilled is an enormous safety hazard. When the runner frees himself from the middle of the parachute, he then returns to a spot on the outside, alongside his classmates, and begins the process over again. That is unless Jimmy has now convinced the class that whistles are stupid. He also sometimes tells everyone to fart at the same time when I’m in the center of the parachute. Why would that be fun? I have no idea.
Mike, you need to run to another end of the parachute. I hope this helps!
Thanks for writing!
Jeff
Jeff Duncan teaches Physical Education at Jefferson Elementary School in Phoenix, AZ. He graduated from the University of Tulane with a Bachelors Degree in Kinesiology and a minor in Women’s studies. He is currently working on his second book, “Understanding our Misbehaviors and the Need for Love.”
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Glad to see some companies taking responsibility for their mistakes
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That's My Dad!
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