bloggers---anonymous-blog

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

Don’t mind me having a mental break down at 3am

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

November 6th 2018

I want to talk to someone about how I feel but I can’t. Because once I say the words it just confirms 100% my feelings. I know they are there but saying it is harder than writing them. I honestly just want to not be around... maybe this isn’t easy either... but in all fairness my roommate did just walk in the room. I can’t wait to move out. I’ll finish this later. 

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

November 1st 2018

I think it’s funny how my roommate claims that she never snores but yet she also wakes me up all the time because she snores so damn loud. I also think it’s funny that she says she is a light sleeper but when people were outside our door yelling for her like an hour ago(midnight) she couldn’t wake up. Is this post petty? Maybe it is? I don’t know.  

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

October 21, 2018

Why is it that I am always there for everyone but no one is ever there for me? Wait! Beside Liam? I was actually really scared tonight and I needed to talk to someone. I knew my parents were sleeping and same with my siblings so I asked Eli and this one other girl who was my childhood best friend to call me. Neither of them did. I knew that girl, Alice, was on the phone with her sister so once Liam actually helped me out I messaged Alice and I told her I was okay now and she didn’t need to call me. She messaged me back saying “sorry I was just really tired.” Like thanks girl, I see where I stand. I’m just annoyed because I told her something was wrong and I don’t know who else to turn to and it just didn’t matter it seem like. But with Eli I just kinda assumed he was sleeping then I went to message him so when he woke up in the morning he didn’t have to worry... then I saw he was active 25 minutes ago so I just didn’t bother cause clearly it didn’t matter. I’m probably just over reacting, cause I guess it really doesn’t matter honestly... which is a lie it really does matter. I’m use to Eli doing stuff like that now a days to an extent. He normally takes forever to respond to me now and it’s really hard to get him to talk to me on the phone, which is okay he gets busy. I don’t expect him to talk to me 24/7 that would be unfair but I just hoped someone would actually call me cause I really needed to talk about it. It’s not like I was scared because of a movie something happen and it was scary and I don’t know why but I was an extreme mess and needed someone.

But it doesn’t matter, Liam was able to snap me and it helped me. It would have really have been better if I had a call but I guess it doesn’t matter. I’m just kinda annoyed honestly because like I said I’m there for everyone and no one is there for me. I know I keep repeating myself but it’s little things like this that helps reminds me that no actually cares about me. I just want to pack all my stuff up, leave and never come back. I would just start over, change my name and move on. Maybe then someone would actually care but probably not let’s be real. If I ever was to just pack my things and leave I think I would probably just make this blog public on my facebook with the caption saying “Bye. Also don’t mind the grammar” (and by public I mean have my “friends” be the only ones to see it. Even though none of them would actually be bother to click the link let alone look). Only if I could afford to leave, it’s been something I wanted to do for such a long time. Once I’m gone I hope I can actually make someone happy. 

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

October 19th 2018

I am 18 years old and I feel like I’m settling sometimes. We did this assignment in class yesterday and it just really got me thinking, I wish I wrote that down because yeah... I was too tired to really think. Anyways, I like Eli but he post stuff that degrades women all the time. I think we come from different moral stand points and I just don’t know. I don’t say things sometimes cause I fear I might lose him because I’m terrified to be alone and being alone more means I’m scared of dying alone. Like I guess he is a good guy... Eli is a good guy to me but like I said I feel like our morals aren’t there. It’s so bad that I feel like if I was to have a flash back kinda thing and I told him that I had it cause I was sexually assaulted and everything that came afterwards from that he won’t believe me. My mind is kinda just everywhere right now. I’ll share more once my thoughts get there.

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

October 18, 2018

What even is life? Just the whole idea of life is weird if you really think about it. Like who is even to say this is even real? Who’s to say that we’re not already dead and this is the afterlife and with the afterlife we think we are alive and when we think someone dies that is actually someone being reborn into whatever their new life shall be?

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

🍁 Happy October 🍁

🐱 IG - @ inkstaboy 🐱

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

October 1st 2018

I’ve been sitting on this for about a week. I’m never alone but yet I always feel so alone. It’s when I’m around people where I feel the alonest. (Is alonest even a word? We’re just going to go with it.) I feel so alone around my own family. Most of the time I feel like I can’t trust them. I don’t even feel like my oldest sibling cares about me. If I was just to go away forever I don’t feel like she would even know or care. Speaking of that if I was to just die I don’t think anyone would notice, let alone care. Maybe my parents would but no one else. Just knowing that my parents would care makes me feel so selfish and awful. I mean I could never kill myself. I’ve felt this way since sophomore year of high school. I am now a freshman in college. Last year, my senior year of high school, was the worst it has been in a long time. My friend... can I even call her my friend anymore? We don’t talk. It’s a shame that we don’t talk anymore, that’s a story for a different day. Let me make one thing very clear I would never kill myself... for many reasons. I don’t want to talk about it too much right now..

The reason why I don’t wanna talk about it too much right now is because my roommate is in the room with me and I’m not about to get caught in the feels with her around. I’m just actually kinda just thinking of everything right now and it kinda like who would even care? I just took a minute to write a poem. It’s just one thing I do to help me feel better. I’m getting better before I know it it’s going to be 2028 and everything will be all good. At least I hope, but it still gets hard. I have to fight through it and I will. I’m already going to a therapist to get help. We talk about everything, from what happen to me how my living situation. She doesn’t know, I put down on my paper that I was never had those thoughts or self-harm. I know I should have been more honest but just putting down what happened in my past was hard enough. Talking about it is hard enough. I’m working on letting the past go though. I truly am getting better, at least I think so.

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

Name Change

well-this-is-my-blog --> bloggers---anonymous

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

September 8th 2018

Well, it’s going I guess. Is it going well is the next question and the answer to that is I don’t even know the answer to that one. My roommate is kinda shitty honestly, she is 17 years old (I’m 18) and I asked her to not bring alcohol in the room or at least keep it in her underwear draw and she had a freak attack. I tired to explain to her the laws and why I was asking her to do so but she didn’t want to listen. Then she went days without talking to me, which is whatever it’s not like it was awkward but it was more really? Anyways, I was thinking about changing rooms and I was going to change then we kinda started to get along again. So I started to feel bad a bit about wanting to change. I don’t even really like her. However, I am being told to do all these different things but I’m kinda like well maybe I should give it a little bit before I change but everyone is telling me to do so right now. I don’t even like her that much, honestly. Also there’s this unwritten rule that we’ve talked about where its not going on each other’s side of the room and not touching each others things. Her fan will be on my side of the room a little bit from time to time and it’s really no big deal unless I’m trying to get into my fridge and then I have to move it a little but it’s on my side... where it shouldn’t be. I left my room to go to class and keep in mind that it’s hot in the room all the time and I have an oscillating fan that’s on my side right next to my bed and it oscillates on my side of the room.

I left the room to go to my 9 am class and I came back to it not moving, so I’m telling my friend about it and she tells me “That’s bullshit. She shouldn’t be touching your stuff, you don’t touch her stuff.” I was kinda like yeah true.I say something though to my roommate and I just ask her if she touched it and she told me yeah she did cause she was cold. I asked her not to touch my fan and next time send me a text and I’ll deal with it. She told me okay then I think it’s over. I mean makes sense right? Well it wasn’t... but it was at the same time. She did it again, I kinda just let it slide that time and moved on cause I didn’t feel like saying anything to cause a fight and I had to go to class. I told my family about what happened and my mom was like “Wait! She doesn’t want you on her side or touching her things but yet she feels like she can go on your side and touch your stuff? That doesn’t work that way.” I actually can’t remember exactly what my mom said but that’s pretty much it. Then my family was telling me to just change rooms. I’m thinking I want to wait it out a week to see if she moves cause I think she may but I also think she may not. If she doesn’t move then I think I’ll move cause I don’t want to deal with this and I shouldn’t have to. I don’t know though. I really don’t know.

I feel like such a lame person at the same time though because I’m not in the whole partying scene cause I’m just too anxious (I don’t even think my roommate believes me when I say I have anxiety but that’s a story for another day). I don’t do drugs and I don’t drink. I never found much interested in that. It doesn’t help that I have like no friends on campus either but I’m trying to make friends. I really am. I miss all my friends back home though, I never felt like back home I had a lot of friends but looking back at it now I really did. I miss all of them, even the ones who piss me off a lot. I think I am going to try to go home next weekend though.

I am joining a few clubs and I’m kinda excited about it cause 2 out of 3 clubs I’m joining we go on trips and stuff and it will be super cool! I hope I can make friends though, I’m sure I will. It would kinda suck if I didn’t. Also all of the clubs I’m joining are like creative things. I feel like I’m a super artsy person even though I totally suck at everything I do.   

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

August 30th 2018

Well I had a pretty crappy day. I just couldn’t fall asleep last night so I kept waiting up at all hours of the night. I woke up at five and I was like great I only have two more hours to sleep. SO, I ended up sleeping through my alarm but luckily I had another alarm for a half hour before my class starts. Yeah well that wasn’t helpful because I needed to wake up at 8am because I needed to shower, so I could get to my advisor so I could change my professor because he was just not going to work for. I would have gone to my advisor later but his office hours is 8:30 am to 9:30 am. I woke up at 9am because I slept through my alarm and my class started at 9:30; get this my class was all the way on the other side of campus as well. I just barely made it to class. I think I had like three minutes to spare. You would think I was in the all clear right? Well nope. We had a test, on the syllabus... I did not read the syllabus so most of my answers were guesses pretty much. I left so bad for the person sitting next to me though cause I’m sure I smelled awful, but it was probably all in my head that I did cause I did shower the day before. I also was just having a down day I guess, I felt super self-conscious about my hair, my face and my weight.

I was telling someone about it today and they told me the only reason why I am feeling the way I do because I’m a women. He was joking but I was having none of it. I then went for a walk around campus around 11pm cause I just needed to go for a walk and I get catcalled and called the “N” word. Just to let you know I am a white female so I don’t think they were trying to be racist but I don’t know. I pretty much told them to shut up with a little bit more of a colorful language. It was just not a good day yesterday at all.

I was talking to Eli last night and he told me he had a dream about me, and he didn’t want to tell me cause he didn’t want to come off as creepy. I just said you’re shitting me. He told me no he wasn’t. (side note I told him I had a dream last night that I got my drivers license then I almost die) Then he told me the two us were in a car and that we were talking and I was upset about something and he didn’t know whether or not to hug me or not cause it was our first time meeting. I told him that’s weird because in my dream I was driving to see him and the moment I woke up I was upset and I’ve been upset all day. It’s just weird and I don’t know what to think. Part of me wants to believe that he may have been kinda joking around but I really don’t think he was.

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

savingoursanity replied to your post “August 25th, 2018”

First year is always a doozy. Hang in there hun I wish you best of luck! If ever you need someone to talk to feel free to message me anytime

As much as I appreciate the offer I made this blog as an outlet to just write about my feelings without having to drag anyone into them because I feel bad having the same people listen to my problems all the time.   

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

August 28,2018

Well, today was alright I guess. There’s not much one can say I suppose. I went to my two classes that I had today. I hated the last one I’m going to see if I can drop it cause it’s just so dumb. I don’t know if I’ll be able to though.I hope to dear lord I will be. I went today to ask about it but my adviser wasn’t there so I’m just going to go tomorrow. However, speaking of dumb stuff. I’m in this math class and it’s dumb easy. Like it’s the easiest math class on campus. I think I’m going to take my math placement test again, I meant to do that today and I wanted to go at two but I kinda schedule a counseling session for Friday. I’ll talk more about that Friday. Back to what I was saying, I’m just worried that I won’t do any better. I’m not very good at math. English is more my thing.  I also never had any good math teachers while in school but that’s not my fault. I don’t even know though I hope I can get out of it. Maybe I can challenge the course? I’ll have to wait a few weeks before I’m even able to do so. If I was to do so it would cut my work down a little and if I was able to drop that dumb class it would be even better.

I’ve been thinking about trying out for the school play next week. I want to be an actor so bad, and I’m taking an acting class too. However, I don’t think I’m that great of an actor and I would be heart broken if I didn’t get cast. I wouldn’t even want to go back to my class because my professor is the director of the play. He also knows that I’ve been in a lot of plays so I just worry that he will look at me and be like she can’t act. I don’t know I over think a lot of stuff I guess. I think I am going to stop writing for now.

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

August 25th, 2018

Well I never actually finished last post but that’s okay(I may go back and just finish what I was writing depends on my mood). I’m just going to leave it be. Well within the last few days I moved in to college, I am a first year student. I go to a school in a small town, it’s more exciting then the small town I grow up in pretty much. It’s welcome weekend and we were put into these groups and there is a group leader. The first day of moving in I ended up leaving my group because I just couldn’t take it. I wasn’t talking to anyone and I felt like such an outcast, I went back to my room and cried a little. I called some of my friends back home and talked to them about it. I don’t really have friends here but I’m starting to make some which is nice. I still miss my friends back home, I know one person on campus that I’ve known for years cause they went to school with me. We haven’t been talking, we’ll see each other and wave every once in a while but it’s not like we’ve been hanging out. We were never close in high school anyways, things change I guess.  I’ve been talking to my good friend, Amber, we’ve been friends since the 6th grade I was telling her how I felt and how I thought she was lucky that she wasn’t living on campus at her school and how I hated being friendless and some other things. Everything I told Amber about she pretty much told me she was feeling the same way.

I went to this hang on I was talking to Amber about it today so I’m going to copy and paste what I said to her cause I’m too lazy to write it again pretty much. I’m starting to make friends though, I went to this seminar that I thought was mandatory (I still would have gone if I knew it wasn’t) and it was about being a community, looking out for each other and friendship. It was really cool! I made a few friends which was nice and my welcome weekend leader was telling me how about she is proud me for really sticking it out cause she knows it hard for me. There was a point where they were having us stand up if it related to us only if we wanted to and they said something about if you have a invisible condition so like dyslexia, anxiety and other stuff that and i almost didn’t stand but then I did (side note I have anxiety) and my leader was like i am so proud of you. It was kinda nice, she was also telling me that I’m doing great since i actually come to the meetings and other stuff and show up on time. But its really emotionally draining and makes for a long day. Like I’m just going to stay in for tonight I think. The whole  seminar really took a lot out of me to the point I cried for a minute for two but it felt like forever(I was also low key triggered though and it was awful) I hope that made sense but even not this is for me and I knew what I meant and Amber would as well. 

My roommate and I are total polar opposites and not in the good way, I’ll get to that another time. I’m just too drain right now, I’ve been trying real hard to get out there to have a nice time and make friends. It’s just hard, I still talk to a good amount of my friends from back home and the ones I’ve been talking to are the ones I’ve been friends with since we were little kids or middle schoolers. With the exception of my best friend, Tati, we’ve been friends since like 2016. I’ve even been talking still to my high school mentor still I’ve been telling her everything that has been going on because I really needed some advice, she told me to walk around campus and learn my way to try to help me out cause I said I didn’t want to stay in my room, and that was the first day after I had my small break down. It was just really hard and it still is. Things are changing real quick I don’t know if I’m ready for all this but I got to be. I have no choice, I was telling Eli the other day how I wish I could go home, that I was just having a bad time and that I would rather be in high school still and I said every day in school I wanted to home. Eli laughed a little and reminded me that I was allowed to go home and my mom said I was allowed to. I’m not going home, I can’t do that. I mean I can go home but I can’t do that. I need to suck it up, any job I would want to do that isn’t being an actress I have to have a college education. I think it’s just an adjustment thing that’s going on. For the past like 15 years (I’m counting pre-school) I’ve been able to go home after a long day and now I can’t. My /home/ now is my dorm room and that’s not home to me. I’m living with a stranger now and I don’t think things will work out well. I don’t know, I guess I’m just sad. 

I can’t even think right now honestly I’m just too emotionally drain I’ve been in my dorm since like 6:30 ish and it’s now 10:11. I’ll probably go to sleep soon, but I don’t know how well that will work since every little thing I hear outside my room I get more and more anxious and when its super close to my dorm and it’s a girl’s voice I’m like oh shit!  Is it my roommate? I’m not asleep yet and I don’t want to talk to anyone really tonight and she might try to talk to me. She actually might be coming back soon but I don’t know, for all I know she could be at that party tonight. I hope she just doesn’t come back in at like 3 in the morning but hey! I can’t stop it if she does. 

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

August 21 2018

Well I kinda forgot to write yesterday but it’s only like one in the morning, so it’s okay. I had a pretty normal day I guess beside the stress of having to pack everything for college. I was talking to Eli today and we were kinda talking about what we were and I kinda messed up but not really at the same time. Eli is kinda like a man-child and my first thought was “Dear Lord I’m basically dating a man-child” and I told him this so he was like “You just said it! You think we’re dating. Not exclusive my ass!” He said this because I made a comment earlier saying I thought we weren’t exclusive and he thinks we are and he was telling people that we pretty much are. I was also trying to say that I would actually like to meet before anything and he told me “No, even you know that not being exclusive thing is bullshit, and you know it.” I’m actually talking with him right now and I’m forgetting everything that I’m trying to say. Anyways, I made a comment about how I need a new phone and he was telling me he would give me one of his old phones if I was willing to not have an iphone. I told him no, there’s a few reasons why I won’t but I don’t think I’m going to get into that right now  I’ll come back and make edits I guess

edits start here

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

August 18th 2018

I haven’t written anything in a while, that was mostly because I just didn’t have the will power to get on my laptop and start writing. The things that really bothered me over the pass few days I talked about with Ava or even this guy I met on tinder (no surprise there). I’m going to give this guy a name cause I guess he has become kinda important in my life, and he says I’m important to his as well. Anyways, his name is Elijah but we will call him Eli for short.

Eli and I have been talking everyday for a while now. He is already better than the last guy I was talking to (I didn’t meet this guy on tinder. We actually met in school) his name is Logan. Logan is kinda scummy as the nicest way to put it. I’ve already told a few of my friends about Eli and they already seem to like him... in fact they have even said that they do. However, Eli wants to make things official he already calls me “his lady” when referring to me to anyone really. I think it’s just too fast too quickly for us to actually be together, we haven’t even actually met yet. I told him I would like to meet a few times then we can talk about dating, he seem to understood. I just didn’t want to meet him and be in a relationship with him and decide that I didn’t actually like him. 

Last night Eli and I were video chatting, which is pretty normal for us. We talk on the phone all the time, however, he said “that’s another person I have to block” so I asked him why and he told me that it was just someone hitting on him and trying to video chat him when we were done video chatting. He told me what he told her and he pretty much told her that he was taken and when she didn’t care then Eli blocked her. I mean I appreciate that he did so, but what got me was that he said that now that he is taken (meaning by me) he had all these girls in his DMs and that he thinks it’s funny because he doesn’t have anyone in his DMs while he is single. It kinda just makes me feel bad about myself honestly because I never have people really in my DMs I’m lucky if I have two at once let alone one. I just see all these people saying they have all these people in their DMs and I’m just here like “what’s wrong with me? I don’t I have that?” I was talking to my friend Alison about it today and she basically told me not to even worry about it in a nutshell that as soon as I enter the real work force (meaning not babysitting or under the table jobs) my views on everything will change.

Back to Elijah, I mean if he wanted to talk to other girls I’ll have to be okay with it because it’s not like we are an official thing, so it’s not like he is off the market. Yes, I know, it’s my fault that we are not official but I really do think this is for the best. I really like this guy so far and I hope it stays that way but I don’t know if it will or not. I hope though if I ever do find someone I like more than him he wouldn’t get upset and say I cheated on him. Since we are not official. With that being said I don’t think I will find anyone better than him and I am not talking to anyone else. Whenever someone does ask what I’ve been up to that has had a thing for me in the pass or even may do I tell them that I’ve been talking to this really amazing guy. 

I hope one day I can make things official with Eli though. We have been talking about meeting in October since I want to take my road test then. Hopefully I pass but when I’m in the car with someone I’m not use to driving with I get all nervous and make really dumb mistakes and you don’t want to be making mistakes while driving. It could be really bad. I don’t know I’ve ran out of things to say. Maybe I’ll blog some more later tonight. 

[bloggers---anonymous-blog]

August 9th 2018

I didn’t do much today which is fine by me. I mostly stayed home there was one point I left my house but that was just because I had to return my library book. On my way to the library I noticed 3 guys who were probably in the their early to mid 20s. They were on skateboards. Okay, whatever, who cares? Well it’s a little important to the story, so on my way home I decide I wanted to take the long way and I see these guys again. I am one of those people where with group of men are around I’ll turn down my music (when I walk around town I am listening to music). Doing this allows me to really listen to what they are saying so I can try to stay safe, I don’t know why but I wasn’t looking at my phone while doing so. Which is also something I normally do when I feel unsafe passing some people. Anyways, they were at the pre-school using their steps(which there isn’t many) doing tricks or whatever. I watched the one guy wipe out so hard, it was kinda funny(he was okay though) the thing that made it funny was after he got back up and he was trying to say how if they were at the local college that he would have done a lot better and that he wasn’t crappy at skateboarding. Well from my judgement of what happen he was kinda bad and it sounded like his manhood got hurt after that wipe out.

(Side note as I was pretty much away from them I heard the guy who wiped out say that he thought he may have broken his phone from that fall) the local college has like no stairs too but it is pretty much all hills. So, it’s kinda like if you can’t do a simple trick with not a lot of stairs and a flat surface how are you going to do that same trick at the school where it’s all hills? Oh well. Not my problem. 

The thing that kinda annoyed me today for a little bit was a boy from tinder (I know I should probably get off tinder), well he’s not important to my life so we are just going to call him tinder boy. Well tinder boy and I have been talking (you can’t even call it talking honestly) on snapchat for a little bit now. I think maybe a week, anyways the only reason I gave him my snap was because he said he was going to send me a picture of his dog. Let me tell you this he has a cute ass dog, and I knew of that before I even gave him my snap because he had a picture of his dog up. He only really sends me memes and pictures of this dog. (they aren’t even good memes either) I made a comment to him today asking him to tell me something about himself so we could have an actual conversation that wasn’t just dog pictures and memes. This guy says “no u” and takes a screenshot so I ask him why he took a screenshot and he just sends me a winky face and say Nicci did(Nicci is his dog) so I’m kinda like No, really why did you? so he tells me “accidente” then sends me a bunch of bitmjios so at this point I’m kinda like really? You are a 26 year old man acting this way. Come on. I didn’t say that to him (even though I really wanted to). He kept taking screenshots so I text him back I don’t know how someone accidentally screenshots something like 3/4 times. Then he sends me idk? like two times and sends me a bunch of memes. So, I’m over it at this point(but looking back at it he was so trolling me) then asks me what I want to know and I want to know whatever you’ll tell me... heres the thing about this guy he sends a bunch of messages at once its never just one so the next thing went like this:

Lol

What haha

Ask me a question

What u want from me

A life story ?

So i’m like no just random facts I don’t need a life story then he says

Hmm

I run a computer shop

And look at memes

Boom

Facts bruh

At this point I am still giving him a chance and I ask what made him want to run a computer shop. He tells me his Dad ran it. At this point I’m thinking cool we’re getting somewhere... then he says he started off fixing typewriters, 349 years ago and sent a bitmjio again. At this point I was just done and I said K. Then here comes a spam of messages saying “about that time, I, K, What, K what lol, I’m kinda lost here, Ur usually rude, Whys that, I don’t recall being rude, I send dog pics, What’s the deal” (the commas are separating each message) Then I said “How am I normally rude? We don’t ever talk. I’m trying to get to know you so we can actually talk but its just doesn’t seem like you care so it’s just K. Then he left me on read for like hours then send a crappy meme and said Okie dokie. I kinda left him on read cause I was in the middle of the last day of my five hour course(it was break when I looked at his message) I just left him on read maybe later I’ll message him back and be like if you wanna actually get to know me just let me know. I probably will just to see what he does.

I passed my five hour course now it’s time to take my road test. I’ll probably take that in October and once I pass my road test I won’t be that lame 18 year old who doesn’t have their license anymore. Funny thing is when the teacher was going through the test and set aside three papers and those were the tests that failed. I look at the person who I was sitting next to (I actually know that guy. I’ve known him for like 3 years now I believe) and I said “watch my test was one of those papers that failed”. The teacher called out the names who failed and then said that those people actually got all 100s. I look at the teacher and I just tell him that was cruel. You know what he did? Of course you don’t know you weren’t there, but if you were there hi I guess. Anyways, he just laughs and pretty hard too and says yeah that was cruel. 

I was talking to one of my parental units today about something my oldest sister(we’ll call her Ava) said to me a while ago. I honestly feel so bad for this parental unit cause my brother(we’ll call him Aaron) thinks (s)he hates his guts (his reason is because he’s the only son) but that is so untrue! Aaron doesn’t even know that half the time he gets invite to things at Ava’s house is because my parental unit tells Ava to invite him. Ava and her jackass of a husband, Axl, don’t think of inviting him. I could complain about Ava and Axl for such a long time so I’ll save that for another day. Aaron total has their memories that were dreams that he thinks was real because he tells me all this stuff and it’s just out of the blue for this parental unit. Then Ava thinks this parental unit is always leaving her in the dark when it comes to important things and the only reason why I know this is because I called Ava out on leaving me in the dark all the time. Ironically Ava had many excuses for doing so to me. I don’t know I just feel like the black sheep of the family. I always feel like I’m left in the dark not from just Ava but my other sister, Aria, too. It just really sucks because I really look up to Aria but I feel like she hates me. I don’t really wanna get into that feeling right now because I was writing about it the other day before I started my blog and I cried. Back to what I was saying though Ava just doesn’t get it that the stuff she doesn’t get invite to is the stuff that this parental unit has no control over. (S)He doesn’t have control over it because someone else is running the plans if that makes sense. Then the other stuff Ava could just look up herself, since it’s all in the family facebook group page (my family on one of the sides of my family has a group with a bunch of family members in it so we can all be kept up on whats going on) so that’s her own fault if she doesn’t know really.

I just love my parental units so much, they give us everything. All my siblings are moved out (I’m the youngest of five) and my parents still give them everything. In fact Ava took one of our ACs last summer and we had to buy a new one. I think we all take for granted our parents. I have wonderful parents and I think they are amazing. I know sometimes it doesn’t know, but I try. I try real hard to be a good child, it’s just so hard. I’ve never done drugs(unlike Ava and Aaron... I don’t know if Aria has or not) I don’t ever drink and I know all my siblings before they were 21 was getting shitfaced. I mean I think I’m wildly different from them, I also just never had any interest in those kind of things (drugs or alcohol). There’s just a lot that makes me feel like I’m the black sheep of the family but I don’t feel like getting into it at all right now. Like I said I try so damn hard but sometimes it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough that some how I just... I don’t know. My mind kinda all foggy right now.