digressing-paths

[digressing-paths]

And as it turns out, we weren't meant to be. Happiness between fighting isn't enough to stay. You are so full of love, and you deserve a kind love, a love that listens to understand, a love that holds space for big and small emotions, a love that feels like home and pushes you to grow. You'll find it one day.

12:19am thoughts// I choose me

[digressing-paths]

He is a person worth holding onto forever—my person. In love, there will always be ups and downs, highs and lows, but I know that the person I want by my side to weather the storm with is always him.

[digressing-paths]

How do you know when it's time to let someone go?

[digressing-paths]

Being in a healthy relationship is wild when you're used to toxicity. I'm still learning to accept that I am worthy of it. I'm grateful for his patience and endless love.

[digressing-paths]

Over the many years I've kept this blog, I've noticed that I seem to write better when I'm sad. The thing is, I'd much rather be filled with genuine joy than suffocating sadness, but I know life is always a mixed bag. Over the past (nearly) five months (and also pretty much all of 2021; happy new year, btw), I've barely written on this blog because I really have been filled with genuine joy, and the words don't come quite as easily to describe these feelings. I have always felt sadness so strongly, but with the joy, with the happiness, with the contentment, I like to keep it to and for myself. I like to think that he's just mine, and I'm just his, and that is more than enough. I'm forever living in his heart as he lives in mine, and one day we will be forever home together.

[digressing-paths]

I used to think I could find myself in other people. Swiping endlessly and trying to fill this void. I think maybe I've always felt this way. I'm not sure when it started. Seeking validation and approval, I've slowly lost myself. I downloaded those apps for an escape, a distraction from my reality. But people don't fill my voids. They never have. Some days I still think about redownloading those apps. Because who doesn't yearn for human connection, companionship, and love? But I refuse to get lost in someone else. And I refuse to settle. I value my time, my energy, and my independence too much. I'm not searching. My life is stiller now, and I much prefer the calm over the chaos.

Reminder to check in with yourself—are you genuinely happy?

[digressing-paths]

Update!!

Hi everyone! I know I haven't been active on this account in a while. While there are many reasons for this, the main one is that I have been working on starting a WordPress blog. I launched my website today, and my first introduction post is up! It would mean a lot if you checked it out. I will primarily post there now, and its function and content is slightly different than this blog's, but it's still me writing! Thank you for reading, and I hope you have a lovely day. You deserve it! -Jenny :)

Edit: I think I will continue to post my thoughts on here, pretty sporadically, because I still value tumblr as an outlet. It will be regarding topics that may not translate so well to my blog content. Please check out both! :)

[digressing-paths]

I've been thinking a lot about the process of becoming that we're all always engaging in. I wonder if being is really a state of existence. I think I'm always on my way to something, but I don't think I ever reach a static endpoint. I'm appreciating that my journey is never fully complete, and that's okay.

11:47pm// life in process and becoming

[digressing-paths]

These posts may get oddly sporadic again because I am headed back to school today. I'm unsure what the posting schedule will be or if there will even be one. I came back to this blog for a sense of structure and nostalgia, and now that I am going back to school, I am unsure if I need the former. I always enjoy the latter, so I am sure I will continue to write, but I am unsure how it will look.  Thank you for sticking with me and being interested in my wholly mediocre albeit dramatic (at times) life. It's quite the ride. Here's to another year.

9:00am- hit the road (literally, this is a queue because we will be driving)

[digressing-paths]

And another chapter begins. I used to find myself rereading old chapters, wondering if I could go back in time, and stay a while. These days, I read the page I am on, and I try not to skim or let my eyes or mind wander. I want to be fully immersed in each page and every word.

5:17pm- pause at each period and come up for air

[digressing-paths]

Do everything with love. Your kindness and dedication shine even when you feel down.

4:35pm- project light

[digressing-paths]

The hardest part is showing up, but I promise you that it's worth it. It's getting over the initial fearful and nervous feelings. That's how you discover what is for you and what maybe isn't.

4:35pm- 80% of life is just showing up

[digressing-paths]

Connecting with people keeps us sane. Even for us introverts, sometimes we need a little human interaction. A temporary respite and distraction from our busy minds and overflowing thoughts.

7:44pm- enjoy others’ company and your own

[digressing-paths]

It's okay to be selfish for yourself.

3:45pm- you are valid

[digressing-paths]

I check myself when I'm feeling especially angry at him. Especially angry at his decisions. And I try to redirect that anger because it's a lot of strong energy. And so sometimes I'll let myself get angry, but then I'll move on. Ebbing and flowing like the tide, I put my energy not only into bringing anger in, but pushing it away, too. And then I find my center.

11:33pm- I still wish him a subpar life though

[digressing-paths]

I don’t know if it's forgetting, or if it’s creating new memories to block out the old. Maybe sometimes it’s just repressing old memories.

8:54pm- coping mechanisms galore aka time

[digressing-paths]

And what is good for you, the kind of energy and light that you emit, it will come back to you. It will drift back to you if it is meant to be with you.

11:06pm- know this