#im skewing something without even realizing. HELP?

[rosinkreutz]

How do you think Asuka's and Aria's friendship was like when she was alive?

This is a really hard question. I keep sitting down to write this and deleting everything because I'm not satisfied with the answer I can provide. The problem is me because I've realized I'm not sure how to describe any friendship, let alone one so vaguely developed in the source material... However. I will try. This is all kind of speculation based on what I've interpreted from the characters. - First, I think when you analyze Asuka's actions it seems that he feels a certain sense of ownership toward the world. Not in an entitled sense, but moreso a guardian. Which makes sense, really, as a disciple of the Original, savior of humanity. Especially considering the other disciples were explicitly uninterested in humanity's advancement, so he's the only one interesting in following in their teacher's footsteps. The problem is that he completely defines himself by it (which is kinda why I think Asuka was very young when he was taken in to be a disciple, because it's like it's all he knows). - So with that in mind, and knowing that before Aria met the other two, she was extremely isolated from her family and other people in general, I think the power dynamic in the relationship would end up being rather skewed. Literally, yes, since he's a sorcerer, but also psychologically. Aria's someone whose not used to having any support, and that's all Asuka wants to do. He never thinks of himself first, and the only sense of self he has is this self-appointed guardian role. He would go so far out of the way to make her happy, because he loves her very much. But he also thinks that he knows what's right for her and may have been controlling at times- which I think is why Frederick works so well in this dynamic because he's so anti-authority and free-thinking. His influence and just overall presence would keep the two of them from being too overly dependent on each other. After all, they love him as much as they love each other, as best friend, boyfriend, whatever. Obviously there's more to him in the dynamic but this is about the other two. - (As kind of a side-note, keeping Aria happy is one of the few ways he himself can feel fulfilled in his role as a guardian. The Original kind of had it easy, as world-saving goes, because he knew exactly what was going to burst (black tech) and had the exact solution to the problem (magic). The world Asuka's "inherited" has a million different facets and problems all piled together in one big powderkeg with an invisible fuse. He really can't just go out and fix everything alone as a socially inept 20-something, good at magic as he is. Which he understands, as an objective thinker, but given that guardianship is the only thing he defines himself with as a person, he's inevitably going to feel worthless and hate himself for not being able to do anything. Hence, why when the Gear Project gets picked up by the military, he goes crazy trying to fix it because just imagine what it would feel like that the whole world could be destroyed by something you made while trying to fix it.... But... If he could get what people need for advancement (gear cells) safe and unweaponized and if he could have someone else powerful to help and support him (Justice, maybe Sol?), he could use that to REALLY save the world AND Aria in the process. Win-win, right?)

[ganondoodle]

(redone this post bc of bad wording in the poll, sorry xD)

dont want to spam with this but i realized something about the poll i made about me kinda wanting to do a rant video about totk- and its that me calling my accent in english 'thick' might not be accurate bc that is my own perception of it, when i streamed i have been told that my english is pretty good, even if its still hearable that im not a native speaker, i dont know if that is still a thick accent?

while im not as fast in talking in english as i am in german its still fluent, i can have full discussions in english without needing any help and i rarely encounter a word i dont know for example, just soemtimes a little pause to think but even that might be skewed bc i talk incredibly fast in german; so i dont know how to judge it myself bc my own view of it is very biased :V

so let me do another poll bc everyone loves polls

(edit: if i end up doing it there would be english subtitles no matter what; im more leaning to doing it all in english bc if i did the voice over in german id have to translate the script for the subtitles which would be even more work :O )

[aspd-confessions]

hello i had a curious question if it's possible to get input in any form would be helpful.

Has anyone with aspd or other cluster b disorders has difficulty in finding a therapist who seem to push everything in a bpd category. so what i mean is i have done extensive research in cluster b disorders.

but somehow my therapist says she has a ton of bpd clients but only worked with one npd person which was more of a stigmatized version of it. she also said a narcissist won't admit they are a narcissist. also keeps saying well you have bpd traits when its clearly another disorder.

apparently you have to be someone who puts someone down and always told they were right and put others down and be over achieving to have npd or be a narcissist. because i guess she had someone who had the stigmatized version but she couldn't work with him. i'm pretty sure she sees npd as that version.

even though she says shes worked with avpd pd,schizoid pd,dpd pd,schizotypal pd ,paranoid pd,ect. even though there tends to be overlaps but somehow no one with other cluster b and somehow she has a ton a patients with bpd.

oh saying you don't feel remorse for a past psychiatrist if something bad happened is a bpd mood shift. its really annoying because someone fucked up my life why would i feel sorry for them its not a mood swing.

then when i say i had looked into intensive research studies i was told they are not liable because they pick very specific people and the studies can be skewed. but definitely don't go online to the people who actually have symptoms because they can be misdiagnosed.

then i was told im a sociology's dream and i'm really cool and its okay to like things that are not conforming. then she gave an example of liking something from her own life which was drastically different than what i said. and i would have to create a political statement for the qualification of aspd. but then she plays the your having homicidal thoughts BUT you don't want to act on them so it's not really concerning and to use "my skills".

even though i clearly can't hold a job nor listen to others and gets in the way of my functioning especially with authority issues which i didn't want to admit a lot of my symptoms.

i'm not asking for a diagnosis but does anyone have any similar experiences or advice? i didn't completely talk about my symptoms but i'm getting really mixed signals with this whole bpd traits being pushed when obviously there is something more intense going on and i keep dissecting my life and my taught habits and realized whats really going on and somehow she just doesn't get it.

i also thought it was a really big turn off with her saying narcissist thing i mentioned.

:^ - sign off

I think I kind of lost the plot at some point but I'll answer your first part.

I have worked with a shrink who tried to push the BPD label, yes. PwBPD seem to be more willing to seek treatment than other cluster B or even A and C disorders from what I've observed, so it doesn't necessarily surprise me that they've worked with a lot of BPD patients in comparison to other personality disorders. It sounds like they have a pretty shallow understanding of NPD though.

Yes, often times a pwNPD has trouble admitting they are a narcissist and therefore has trouble seeking treatment, because they see nothing wrong with their behavior, but personally once I actually got into therapy and took it seriously, I was able to recognize my issues and work on them. Finding the right psychiatrist helped a lot and I would recommend you keep looking if this person isn't the right fit for you and is insisting on one label without considering others.

[qoldenskies]

Interesting, thank you, have a great day.

The truth is, I was mostly asking that because I'd realized one of my personal asks hadn't been answered. I shared some family stuff and didn't give it much thought. I can be a little attention desperate and very paranoid, so I was worried when you didn't answer back, but then I realized it was probably because you didn't know whether I was okay with you answering and sharing my thoughts with your other fans to see. So originally I was gonna have an ask saying something like "BTW, same person here, you can answer that ask that I made if there was any moral hesitation on your part", but no, I decided to make a very encrypted ask sounding like I wasn't of your fanbase so basically you could answer my question without you knowing it was me and maybe end up answering the ask I made if that did end up being an issue. And, well, helping out anyone else who might have the same thoughts as me about their asks.

But I understand now you just had no reason to answer, and I get that. Most of my asks to you are anonymous simply because there are some things that I don't want to be associated with "me". More so, again, because of paranoia and awkwardness. Cause I have sent you a LOT of asks. Most anonymous. And I don’t want to come across as "too much". You would probably have no idea which ones are me because obviously we're anons, and because I've sent some asks where I poured my heart out, asked off-topic stuff, responded to a recent joke, given recommendations, asked random stuff, made analysis', asked completely different questions right next to each other, and talked about a fic I'm writing for you frantically all in many different personality fonts.

I think I can speak for a lot of people when I say that Tumblr's anonymous option and their ask box was their greatest ideas. Besides what bad can come when people are anonymous in asks, of course, but it does help people who just simply want to feel free to be themselves! (Again, not in a weird way).

Anyway, not saying I lied in my last ask. I didn't, my intentions were just slightly skewed. And I'm gonna continue to be anonymous at times so I can be free of my own personal second hand embarrassment. Even if you don't agree with me and say "there's no reason to feel that way, I don't care", that's nice of you, but it's just the way I want to go about things. And there's probably other people in your asks who somewhat feel like I do. Most of your asks are anonymous people, anyway, lol. All for different reasons.

hey, its alright! dont worry if you want to stay on anon because i definitely know the feeling (ive done it too with other creators lolol), i dont ever plan on disabling it for that reason (unless something really bad happens, but as it is that seems unlikely. internet is a panopticon and all that). even if i dont answer things i see them, and i do appreciate everything :] im sorry if it made you nervous when i didnt respond, i think i remember that one and i just genuinely forgot 😭😭 i got like five asks in a wave iirc i never intend to make anyone feel anxious

[aibouart]

I hope this isn't a weird ask to send but:

I related really heavily to your post about what vent art has done for your psyche. Less specifically with vent art and more a vent blog where I privated the whole thing and would make unrebloggable vent posts (unrebloggable just in case if anything broke and slipped out of confinement)

I've had two of those kinds of blogs. Both ended up just being a negative confirmation bias zone for me to spiral out of control just if I looked at a post.

I'd see the timestamps and remember what made me make those posts and it'd make me lose myself all over again.

The second time I made the blog I told myself I wouldn't read back on the posts but 1) I cannot hold myself accountable to not do that so I did it and 2) the frequency of the vents ended up just achieving the same end result

Vent art for me is so much more work that it's rare, and I usually do end up very pleased with the end result and art typically helps more bc I can't just make art as quickly as I can make text posts. There's still some vent art that hurts like hell to look back on ofc but I understand that feeling of like...this art coming from someplace real.

I think learning to realize that drawing stuff without meaning can hold a meaning of its own (sharing joy, whimsy, etc etc with the world to remind ppl it's not all bad, or give them a safe place to indulge in something bright and colorful instead of the horrors of whatever reality they've currently got) can help ease into accepting the non-vent art as just as important and meaningful

It's tricky, but all of us who suffer more from our own vent posts/vent art can heal and move forward and find meaning in other expressions of other feelings.

Vent stuff can be such a powerful tool, so I'm glad you're learning how to be more careful with it. I wish you nothing but upward momentum from here!

thank you for the message, it does mean a lot to me to find others who went through something as similar that i did--even though it fuckin SUUUCKS

for me, ig my speedy art backfires with vent art. i have done pieces that i took (more) time with:

but for the most part it looked like this:

and they'd get posted within like 10 mins of each other (sometimes less)

i definitely think art doesn't need meaning to exist, but you spend so long hearing "what do you think the meaning behind this is" or making art like i had been doing that DID hold some meaning and i started to just feel like my own work was exempt.

it's hard to move past vent art and accept my work as worthy of existing even if it's just some pink furry staring at the camera doing nothing, instead of my sona ripping itself apart because of some deeper meaning. cuz like i do like my vent art, i think the limited colours i would use is cool and the compositions or expressions are intriguing, but getting into the headspace to draw all that just isn't worth the price anymore. but it sort of makes my current art feel shallow or empty.... like im not "trying", for sure.

and granted majority of people on this blog haven't even seen my vent art either it's not like anyone else's perception is skewed. it's just like a personal issue i've had as i recover from vent art/blogs WUURGG

but despite all that i draw what i want anyways, nothing can really stop me from doing that. i just kind of ruminate the whole time JKBSDBFBSD

thank you again for reaching out, i forgot i made the post when i woke up this morning and immediately panicked but nothing bad happened so i am feeling ok about sharing..!!

[mcytshippystuff]

Can I ask how you view Brunim and Forever's relationship since you mentioned it in your last post? You said you viewed it as toxic on both ends and that it messed Forever up, can you go into more detail?

(as always, /rp, not irl) Also go here for more hcs on q!Forever's relationships this ask is referencing!

Okay so!! Like I said before in that posts tags, I dont know a WHOLE lot about the canon relationship between q!Forever and... c!Brunim? q!Brunim? Whatever, I dont know the canon but from what iv seen, in rp its very much not healthy. So I ended up building my own hcs for them and idk how accurate they are canon wise but I still like em regardless so im sticking to em lol!

(Tw for talks of abuse, toxic relationships, and unhealthy relationships!)

So first thing to note; These guys were really fucked up, toxic, and probs abusive in several places. They started out softer, kinder, safer, but it did not stay that way. Still, know that they loved each other regardless.

In my head, Brunim was very much the aggressor, and the one who started being toxic, abusive, and obsessive about Forever, and was worse about it. Forever ended up becoming toxic and doing toxic/shitty/obsessive things in turn as a by product. I wont say Brunim was the only one who had issues and did bad things but Forever only ended up becoming like that becuase Brunim taught him that's how he showed love in their relationship, so he showed it that way back ya know?

But thing is they stopped being happy, stopped awhile ago in fact and realized they couldn't keep doing this to each other, hurting each other, for both their sakes. Its hard to recognize you are doing something wrong, and it was even harder to let go, for real this final time, and only through help did they manage it but they did.

But the thing is, Brunim was Forever's first real relationship, and it had messed him up. Untangling yourself from that sort of thing is fucking hard, knowing where the line is or where something is toxic and unhealthy romantic wise (or even in general) is even harder when its pretty much your only real frame of reference and unlearning all that shit is hard and takes time too.

So when Forever got to the island, while he's made leaps and bounds from where he use to be, enough he can mess around and even joke with someone who reminds him of Brunim without actually having issues with it (at least at first lol), is still in the process of trying to unlearn his more unhealthy behaviors and expectations.

That's where some of his more concerning phrases or claims come from, either not knowing the line as he crosses it due to skewed misconceptions, saying it jokingly becuase he'd never actually go through with it (though probs shouldn't of said it regardless but hey that's coping with trauma for ya), or knowing the line but crossing it anyways on impulse and having to pull back becuase he doesn't mean it/regrets it. He would never on purpose dip back into those toxic behaviors but like I said, still unlearning and understanding those.

Forever would never actually go through with anything toxic, abusive, or unhealthy for the most part on purpose btw, if that wasn't clear.

There is a little bit, like mentioned in the main post, where when he does start to catch feelings it is becuase of him confusing Brunim with Phil, but Forever does beginning to actually fall for him and it takes a bit to fully separate them, and his expectations of it all. But hell he cant stop loving Phil even if he does eventually see Phil will not change his mind about Forever loving him.

But anyhoo enough about the main thing, smaller but still important stuff-

Like I said Brunim was Forever's first real relationship, and they did actually love each other under all the shit it became. Didn't mean any of what happened was okay tho.

Brunim is a vampire, and fed off regularly of Forever. He didn't have issues with it at first but quickly became painful and a bad time.

(tw for scars and a bit of gore) Forever actually has a horrific scar on his neck from the feedings, though its hard to tell if it becuase Brunim would very slightly shift around where he would bite in to feed over time so it became a mass of scar tissue, or if he ripped out a chunk of Forever's flesh for whatever reason. Forever usually keeps it covered but it burns sometimes.

Brunim's way of punishing Forever was usually to lock him up until he behaved again, specially if they were on "break" and Brunim wanted Forever back. Hence why Forever uttered "lock you up until love me." He wasn't serious about it but later feels sick he said it even jokingly.

Forever is surprisingly mentally stable despite all this and has worked hard on his mental health, thanks to therapy. Most of his issues, like I said, come from trying to unlearn all that toxic shit and unhealthy behaviors.

They really miss each other but tbh its more they miss what they had before, as well as the comfort in the not being alone despite the pain. Regardless Forever will never go back to Brunim, even if they both change for the better.

[alexanderlightweight]

Heyooo first lemme just say that your writting is amazing. Even your darkish prompts are kinda fluffy at the end.

I imagined my prompt in a marriage of inconvenience but it kinda goes on any if yours.

Magnus flies into a rage and destroys either the NYI or alicante itself because Clary attacks Alec because of the secret marriage. Alec ismt hurt or anything but because she dared to do it our favourite high warlock shows the shadowworld that you really shouldnt touch what is his.

Thanks in advance and im looking forward to all your writtings so i can curl up in a corner wispering my precious like Gollum

Ah thank you so much! i really appreciate that and yeah, i'll write something super DDDNE and dark and then write the end and saeth will read it and go 'awww thats cute' but... that's also @saeths. who is @alxndrlightwoods and their opinion of cute things can be a little skewed.

so i'm never really sure until i post where my stuff falls tbh

kay so this is totally random but this is actually going in 'all your cracks i'll paint gold' the deruned alec verse as a slight au because while it doesn't fit the projected plot it does fit that verse. and also, it's a bit of a plot twist because clary doesn't care enough about the institute or alicante for her to be bothered or affected in season 1 or 2 by it being destroyed.

i hope you've been enjoying them and enjoy this, thank you for this lovely prompt

<3 lumine

-

Clarissa Fray is the last person Alec expected to meet on one of the rare occasions he ever leaves Magnus’ loft. The only reason he’s even where he is, is because one of Magnus’ friends is healing an acquaintance of Magnus’. Which means that when asked to go with him, Alec of course said yes.

However, he was not expecting the small redhead that charges into the hospital rune and is seething at him.  If not for the wards and magic on this floor of the hospital, Alec imagines that Fray would have caused an incident.

“You, why are you here?” She yells when she sees him and Alec reminds himself that he can’t just rip the stupid little girl’s heart out, even if she is yelling at him like she isn’t the one whose fault is everything that’s happened to him. “You’re supposed to be dead! Everyone is acting like you are. Your mom threatened me! Izzy hates me and Jace is practically a ghost! This is all your fault Alec!”

“My fault?” Alec scoffs because he’s not touching the rest of her statements and is about to argue when he realizes it’s pointless. He can’t argue with someone caught in a delusion and Clary Fray is caught in a delusion of her own grandeur and self-righteousness. “Forget it, Fray. I didn’t come here for you. You’re not even supposed to be here.” 

“Well, I didn’t come here for you either, but that doesn’t matter. You’re going to help me save my mom, Alec. The warlocks won’t listen to me without Magnus, and I heard all about it while Dot was being healed. You ran to Magnus. You’re the reason why he stopped helping me, why no one can solve the potion.”

“Actually, I stopped helping you because you disgust me, and I have better ways to waste my time.” Magnus says and Alec relaxes, watching him come out of the shadows, the gold of his eyes a deadly promise in the dark.  “In fact, watching pond scum form is a far less a waste of time than listening to you.”

—

Magnus binds her easily and throws her through a portal, following leisurely with his arm around Alexander’s waist, his boy pressing kisses to Magnus’ temple. 

“How does she know I’m with you?” Alexander asks him, worry in his voice and Magnus regrets trusting Dot as much as he and Cat have. Apparently, she’s not nearly as trustworthy as he thought, if she thinks sharing information about her High Warlock’s lover is acceptable.

Because Alec is no longer a shadowhunter and he certainly doesn’t have any ties to the clave, not like Clarissa now does. Yet for some reason, Dot shared something that she only ever heard because Magnus lowered his guard enough to share with Cat while he helped heal her.

It’s such a disregard for Magnus’ privacy as well as Cat’s and also, means that Magnus and she can no longer talk around Dot freely. Which is disappointing on many levels.

“A small mistake on my part, darling.” Magnus assures him, “I’ll handle it. She won’t be able to share it around anymore and if it looks like they��ve tracked us, I’ll simply move us again. The clave won’t be able to take you from me, darling. Not even if they begged or bribed me.”

They’re on a roof by a mundane college, an artistic one and while Magnus could feel pity for all the lives he’s about to ruin, it’s hardly his fault that Clarissa Fray doesn’t consider the consequences of her actions.

“I normally try to avoid mundane losses, even just their structural losses. However, even if you should decide not to be a shadowhunter, Clarissa Fray. Remember that because of your greed, this avenue will always be lost to you.”

With a flick of his power the fire alarm goes off and Clarissa is struggling and yelling against the magic keeping her quiet, eyes wide as the last lingering vestiges of the college flee and, as they all watch, Magnus lights it up. 

Several parts of the building suddenly imploded. Little clouds of smoke and bright bursts of flames, mortar and ash and debris raining down as Clarissa screams and cries.  She’s showing more emotions for the idea that the college brings than when her little friend died or when she’d been supposedly grieving the pain, she caused Alexander and Magnus rolls his eyes.

“How tragic. Who could have predicted that a gas explosion would take down the school you hoped so dearly to join.” Magnus tuts and he pulls Alexander closer, and he sighs in contentment when his boy leans back trustingly. “Perhaps, you should learn to watch where you step, little shadowhunter. Not everyone will be so kind as to light the way and the world of shadows is a very dark one.”

Magnus portals away, leaving her to watch the place burn down and without really any interest in staying.  She’ll either manage to free herself or be found by her blond shadow and Magnus doesn’t care either way, not beyond getting Alexander away.

“I’m sorry you had to deal with that, Alexander.” Magnus tells him, when they’re back on their roof and Alexander is sitting on the moss, his knees tucked to his chin as he stares at the pond with waterfowl and koi that Magnus keeps.

Magnus very sneakily magics a little dish of tidbits to Alexander, and he’s given a weary but grateful smile before Alexander throws out the pieces. The koi dart over even faster than the birds, greedily gobbling as much as they can from the surface before following the sinking pieces down. The few birds that there are ignore them, coming straight to the edge, spoiled little creatures that they are.

They come right up to Alexander and snack out of his hand, ignoring Magnus with glaring orange eyes and ruffling their bloodred feathers.

“I can’t believe they all like bones so much.” Alexander murmurs, “it’s a good way of disposing of it though.”

Magnus hums in agreement, because that’s exactly why he has these variants on their roof.

"I loathe her." Alexander finally whispers, "I wanted to rip her heart out. She was talking to me just like she did when she first showed up. Ungrateful, demanding, like nothing in the world matters compared to what she wants. I just wanted to kill her. Make sure she can't cause any more damage to my life, Magnus. I can't I lose anymore."

“It's alright darling, I have you and I’ve taken care of it. Clarissa will be unable to speak of where you are or that she’s seen you. Or that you're with me. Dot has also been taken care of, as apparently, she was under the impression that she enjoyed certain privileges that she does not.”

Which simply meant that she was relying on their precious dalliance to smooth things over and hadn’t expected Magnus to actually be serious about his boy.

A misunderstanding of course, but a grave one on her part. Not, however, an unforgivable one.

As long as she keeps her mouth shut from now on.

[probably-haven]

after binge reading i have come to a new revelation: I’m not a fan of most Xiaoven fanfics

Don’t get me wrong, I love the ship and its one of my favorite to think about.... but most of the fanfiction for the ship just- doesn’t sit right with me for a number of reasons. 

Disclaimer: these are personal opinions from my own taste and are in no way an attack against any authors out there, because frankly fanfic authors are great and not like i could do better lol. As these are personal opinions, I acknowledge here and now that a number of people disagree and that they are under no obligation to change their opinions in any way as it is not and never will be my intention to tell others what they should be thinking That said- read at your own risk if you want- meh, anyway-

time to share some opinions that have been on my mind lately

The biggest reason.... is how they handle Xiao. And I don’t even mean mischaracterization because Xiao is such a complex and yet simultaneously simple character that as long as you’re somewhere in the range of “Xiao vibes” it’s really hard to write him out of character because of his complexities. What I mean is something that i actually completely agree with as being accurate to his character. In nearly every single fanfic I’ve seen, there is some element of idolization that Xiao has for Venti, or for the sake of reference, Barbatos. He tends to think himself beneath Barbatos and/or indebted to him, whether that be because he’s an archon, because he saved him, or simply because of Xiao’s tendency to dehumanize(yes i see the irony in that word usage) himself.  This by itself isn’t an issue but its often how this trait of his is treated.

Imma just list a few ways I’ve seen this be handled within Xiaoven fics. - It isn’t handled, it’s just there and accepted as a part of who he is in the story - It isn’t handled but his trait is treated as source of humor within the story - Venti(and others) roll with it (finding humor in it, just cant change it, encouraging it, making jokes about it, etc.) - Venti takes advantage of it(whether accidentally or purposely) - it’s actually addressed(by Venti or someone else or the narration- can go a number of ways, but just- even a brief reference to the fact that its not a good mindset fits in here) - savior!Venti(Where venti disagrees with it but the way it’s written gives off “god among mortals” vibes- like he’s just being humble and truly is above him in reality) - its the focus of the story  - not directly addressed but shown to be destructive.  - they chose not to not include this in the story’s characterization of Xiao(just saying that this is valid ahead of time) Theres others but i have a lot already.  Note that I tend to read more ���serious-toned’(idk if that makes sense) fics so that may skew my perception

Now there’s a few that i have issues with on their own- both instances of it not being handled, Venti(and others) rolling with it, Venti takes advantage of it(purposely(and without good intent)), and savior!Venti. Xiao not only has this trait, but he is unfamiliar with what is normal in relationships or emotions as a result of isolation and inexperience. He is also either not aware of or not concerned with what is considered strictly “healthy.” Combining these makes for a rather dangerous combination and just accepting it as “oh he’s just like that, it’s who he is” or making it out to be something funny- It’s not wrong or bad by any means necessarily, and I could still possibly enjoy it to an extent depending on a series of different factors, but its- not as often.  Even in the case where I do enjoy reading it however, I would still feel uncomfortable sharing it with or recommending it to others because in the first instance it feels like normalizing a destructive and dangerous mindset, and in the second case it does the same while simultaneously making a joke of it. It’s the same deal with Venti or other characters rolling with it, but that’s probably gonna be mentioned later too. Not to say that this is a “wrong” way to handle it, that it makes the fic bad, or that authors even are normalizing anything by doing so, just that in my specific instance- not a fan. 

I’ll get to the others when i talk more about Venti, but for now: It’s the focus of the story. I think I saw like... 2? where the story was like- focused on this and why its a problem which- power to them, address those real world problems like a boss- but also i wouldn’t actively seek it out or anything- like, good job, but doing so just leaves it open neutrally for other factors to decide how good a story i think it is. 

not directly addressed but shown to be destructive. You’d think i wouldn’t like this- but frankly in fanfiction not everyone wants to address every character flaw verbally because it can through off story, narration, dialogue, and general flow to do so. This can be with an event, an action, a dialogue, a mere comment, making it actually fit into the it’s actually addressed category except that its- subtle enough to make its own category. plus i live for show not tell- in everything- its a thing. im- very much a fan of when the fics do this but the subtlety is easy to miss and its not common so- 

It’s actually adressed- doesnt have to be a lot- just mention anywhere or imply anywhere that maybe idolizing someone as a god and savior and being in a relationship with them while having little knowledge of standards, emotions, relationships, or healthy behaviors in general- maybe isnt the smartest idea in the word. (”Call me Venti, not Barbatos” by itself is not enough to fit in this category tho as a note)

-

Now lets talk about Venti...

uh.... those who have followed me for awhile will probably already know this but... I have a lot of opinions on Venti and a pretty- “niche(?)” perception of his characterization that isn’t shared by a lot of others- so I don’t actually read as much Venti fanfic in general as you might expect because I often end up disagreeing with how writers portray him, which again, in no way is their characterization wrong, but- “their perceived truth” conflicts with “my perceived truth” and by extent so does the characterization, though neither is any more correct than the other from an objective point of view, if that makes sense... but anyways now that that’s said, moving on before this becomes a philosophy lecture, as fun as that would be for me.  I’ll try to keep my “perceived truth” out of this for the first bit. 

Venti’s response to this: 

He rolls with it: this depends on the mood of the fanfiction. If they dont put a lot of stress on that trait of Xiao’s it totally fine but if the trait seems to be a major part of Xiao’s character, it seems like normalization once more. (more on this later)

he takes advantage of it purposely: if its an AU or something and Venti’s like a villain(i saw a few) then- villain venti isnt my cup of tea but i have no qualms. If they don’t portray Venti in a negative light while having him take advantage however that’s a bit uncomfortable to read for me because it feels like normalizing taking advantage of that mindset as well as the mindset itself. However, i did see a number of instances of Venti using it as leverage for like- self care- which i definitely have no qualms. Xiao: [insert probably destructive idolizing statement about being indebt] Venti: How bout you pay me back by actually sleeping for once smh or other variations are okay and depending on the vibe are actually a really fun dynamic as long as it doesnt turn into romanticizing or normalizing it, y’know?

Venti accidentally taking advantage of it.... I love angst- and in most of these theres a sense of guilt when he realizes- and i just think thats a lovely way of addressing the dangers of such a mindset for both sides. As long as it doesn’t keep repeating to the point of romanticization its totally cool to read in my eyes(not irl ofc). If Venti never realizes he accidentally took or is taking advantage it feels a bit like normalization, and if he does but just- doesn’t care thats- a rip.

savior!Venti...... i- i hate. the story giving off vibes that Xiao’s mindset is technically correct while Venti oh so humbly tells him to treat him as an equal like the wonderful and charitable person he is.... i just- no. of course thats over dramatizing it- I think the main thing that gives it this vibe is when Venti doesn’t seem either concerned, surprised, uncomfortable, or otherwise have a negative feeling towards Xiao’s mindset. Just- it makes the whole thing weird in my eyes when Venti doesnt really seem to have his own reason to oppose the mindset idk- 

-

fact time!

Venti is the god of freedom. His backstory is freeing Mondstadt from a god’s tyrannical reign. His origin is a windsprite, just another breeze bringing changes for the better. His form is a nameless boy who played an instrument and then died, thus failing at his only dream and only ever accomplishing anything because of the help of others. He slept for a thousand years after the archon war to avoid putting Mond under the rule of yet another tyrannical god. He only even became a god because Andrius chose to let him. He wouldn’t have even had that chance if the nameless bard had survived, he’d remain just another wind while his friend ascended to godhood. Venti sacrifices his own power for his people’s freedom. 

now that I’ve laid out a number of canon facts, time for opinions:

Venti has little to no desire to be seen as a god. He thrives in, comes from, and emphasizes a lack of superiority in quite nearly everything. The first Ragnvindir, who canonically turned his back on Venti after Decarabian’s fall, likely did so because one- he anticipated power would corrupt and Venti would soon become just another tyrannical god, two- he suspected Venti used the nameless bard in an attempt to rise to godhood, or three- idk insert other possibilities to acknowledge again that i could totally be wrong.

Look me in the eyes and tell me Venti wouldnt trade godhood for his friend in an instant. His godhood was only granted to him because his friend died and could easily serve to constantly remind him of what could have been and what he lost. Venti takes no enjoyment from being seen as superior and in my opinion, I feel that it could actually make him largely uncomfortable when his divinity and abilities as an archon get involved-

also self promotion for my favorite posts- check out #archon war era venti if thats interesting to you

so anyway Venti rolling with it or making jokes about it just doesn’t sit right with me.- 

-

Okay! enough talking about that mindset!

idk- i have... a few/lot of other gripes and stuff or just things that kinda throw off the vibe for me but that’s the main one plus my general personal pickiness when it come to Venti fanfics- but this has gotten long enough already- 

idk i just felt like rambling about it and i haven’t done a long post in a while so-

again, I love the ship and its actually one of my favorites- just the fanfic isnt my thing..... that doesn’t mean i don’t still love it and come up with a whole ton of brainrot and ideas on it tho lmao

[wisteria-lodge]

exploded bird + lion secondary (badger model)

Good afternoon Wisteria! I was hoping for your input with my sorting. This MAY become a novel, and i apologize ahead of time for that. Hopefully its interesting, if nothing else.

I am having trouble with both my primary and secondary. Ive thought i had it figured out so many times and then i would reanalyze myself and get confused. So i guess ill start with primaries. I can tell you for sure that i am not a snake primary. I just cant love another person quite like that. I grew up in a very snake primary environment and never felt i really fit in. I really appreciate snakes and i understand them, but i dont think i am one. I also very much pride myself on my individuality and dont bond to groups so i believe that may rule out badger. I think ive narrowed it down to exploded bird or really confused lion.

Interesting. So far so good. Let’s hear what you’ve got.

Right now in life, with all the information coming at me, all the data, all of the twists and turns, media bias, conspiracy theories, rabbit holes and objective realities, i cant figure out the truth.

… sounds like an Exploded Bird to me.

I think all theories are worth investigating and rabbit holes are fun. But i hate hypocrisy. And its everywhere.

I mean, everyone hates hypocrisy… but I think Birds find it *unforgivable.*

I cant organize all of this information.

Exploded Bird.

Dude. Whats gonna happen if deep fake becomes the norm?

eh, Photoshop has been the norm for a long time and we do okay. Some fakes have always been better than others, and there have always been fakes.

I feel like the safest thing to do is to fully understand myself. Then i can analyze and understand the world.

I would agree with that.

I would say that hands down i was an exploded bird, but i feel very strongly about things right away. But then i learn about them more and if my feelings were wrong, ok. Whatever.

This is still Bird. It’s not that Birds can’t feel strongly about things right away. They do, they just don’t feel safe TRUSTING those feelings. Instead they do… exactly what you’re describing here. Learn more, and then if it turns out their initial feelings were wrong… that’s fine, actually. The feelings are of secondary importance.

BUT i also WANT black and white. I want right and wrong. Grey, though necessary and true, bugs me.

… there’s a reason why I call young Birds Black-and-White Birds.

Deep down i crave to just understand something as it is. But one persons truth is not anothers. I get that. But it still bothers me in my bones.

That’s a very Bird primary angst. Birds can have this *fantasy* that if only everyone had all the information and thought it though properly, that everyone would come to the same (correct) conclusion. And then have to grapple with the fallout when they realize things don’t work that way. As a Lion… I’ve never had to fight that particular monster.

I can also seem like i make snap decisions based on feelings to others, but i just know what i want. If something sounds good, i want to do it. At that moment. No hesitation… i think im meshing into secondary territory here

I agree. Improvisational secondary, sounds like.

so ill just go with it. So my bedroom walls are lilac purple and my kitchen is BRIGHT yellow, because those colors sounded interesting. At that moment. I tend to jump into a project having no idea what im doing. I just thought it sounded like fun.

Comfortable making decisions on a whim, just jumping in. Very improvisational.

But thats not really a way to problem solve. When i start said project and then run into a problem, usually ill read about it, or ask someone who knows more than me. The “i know a guy” bird kind of applies here. I know how to make connections within my community and i plan for that. I think about who would be useful to know, based on my goals.

You know, this could be Bird. But I’m kind of skewing more Badger because of the emphasis on community and asking for help. And keeping an eye on ‘who is powerful, who is useful to know’ is a pretty common Badger secondary model manifestation.

But i dont think i build tools like a bird. In fact, binge watching videos on how to do something annoys me. Takes all the fun out of it.

I still think you’re an Improvisational secondary - and a Badger secondary model is *more* likely than a Bird secondary model.

I am always honest with people and i like that about me, but its not out of some need to stay true to myself. Its just because i have learned that honesty works the best most of the time.

So not Lion *primary* then. This is all about method. You don’t lie, because you don’t find it to be a very practical problem-solving method. Being very direct does work, so at this point… Lion is more likely than snake.

Now, dont get me wrong, i am an excellent liar. But only if its on the fly.

Hmm. Maybe a Snake who’s in neutral all the time?

This conflicts big time with my primary, however, so i rarely ever do.

Interesting. Lying conflicts with your (hypocrisy hating) Bird primary, so you don’t do it. Instead you are very direct, and that works well for you. You *can* lie (on the fly) but you generally don’t. Neutral Snake? Snake secondary model? Depending on how you define lying, could even be Courtier Badger. (I am ruling out constructed Actor Bird.)

I feel like ive gone all over the place in a highly disorganized way, so i will state that now i am going to give some anecdotal data. One time, as an adult, i was hanging out with a bunch of kids on a hayride. A little boy killed a butterfly. I was outraged. I called him out. I told him that he just took away the only life that creature would ever have and that was cruel.

Very loud Idealist primary.

This somehow turned into a question and answer school session about human biology, mammals and why on earth is water in a cup clear, but when you dive into the ocean, its blue?

Some kind of social secondary… and I know the obvious thing is to say 'trotting out a lot of facts, that’s bird.’ But I’m seeing you defuse a situation by leveraging your immediate community (Q&A session)? Badger.

I like being the person that gets the scary bugs out of the house because i feel brave when i do.

Sounds pretty Lion secondary.

When in an emergency situation i completely disconnect and become a calm, knowledgeable person.

This is actually a pretty common just, human thing. When things get bad enough, your lizard brain takes over, and everything is very calm and dreamlike.

I suddenly magically know what needs to be done and work with my environment.

Improvisational secondary.

Im also very aware of how everyone else is doing in that situation and i have an innate need to make people feel better so im usually the first to lighten the mood. Ill focus on others before myself if im hurt. Im more aware of how they are doing than how i am doing and i will make an effort to help them first.

Ah yes, the 'tend and befriend’ threat response. Very familiar. And yeah, going from this description I’m going to say very social badger.

In video games… skyrim is best here i think. I want to be a sneaky mage thief. But when something attacks me, without thinking i run right up to it and hit it with my fists without armor.

lol lion. (The classic Badger secondary strategy is BUFF ARMOR. I always play tanks.)

But i get really sad if its an animal.Those wolf whimpers get to me every time.

No one likes the wolf whimpers.

Ok. Ok. Ive rambled enough. Thank you for reading! Any input is greatly appreciated! Thank you!

Exploded Bird, easy. And probably a Lion secondary with a very social Badger secondary model that’s working well for you.

[chucklesandwitch]

Philza and His Favorites

summary: it was always clear phil had favorites. it wasn’t like he kept it a secret, either.

word count: 2.9k

a/n: sorry if the format is weird. the timeline may be a little mixed up, and i know i skipped some plotlines, but i wrote this from memory so i did my best. also, this is my first piece of writing that im posting! :D you can read it on ao3 here!

     It was always clear Phil had favorites. It wasn’t like he kept it a secret, either. Even before Tommy, Phil always favored one twin over the other. And when he found his third son, shoveling dirt into his mouth by the handfuls in his back yard, well, it’s obvious he wouldn't exactly be on top of the list. 

     Growing up, it became more and more blatant to Wilbur and Tommy that they would never be above Techno. Phil always took his side during arguments, always thought that Techno could do no wrong. Wilbur was fed up. Years and years of being pushed to the side in favor of his twin almost had him at his breaking point. And when Phil broke the news that he and Techno were leaving to start their own Arctic empire, without his two other children, that was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Wilbur was screaming, begging, pleading for his dad to just pay a little bit of attention to him, and when he realized he would never get it from him, he packed his things, packed Tommy’s things, and together the two forgotten brothers ran as far away from their neglectful father as possible.

     They had been walking for days, taking refuge in small villages here and there, just waiting for their saving grace. Eventually, they found it. The Dream SMP. It was glorious. The ruler of the lands, Dream, had welcomed them with open arms and gave them a place to stay for as long as they wanted to. There, they met a plethora of people, including Fundy, Niki, Eret, George, and many other residents of the SMP. Not too long after they had gotten situated, Tommy met Tubbo. They had instantly clicked, and as an act of friendship, they found two discs that would always symbolize their friendship. 

     But the SMP wasn’t as perfect as it had once seemed. So, the two brothers alongside Tubbo, Fundy, Niki, and Eret had formed a new nation, L’Manburg. It was great! They ran a drug lab to keep the economy going, and even made some business partners. The boys had hardly forgotten about their dad, constantly wondering why they weren’t as important to him as Techno was. They pushed these thoughts to the back of their heads, gaining L’Manburg independence at the forefront of their minds. 

     In preparation for their first war of many to come, Tommy and Wilbur had become almost inseparable. They had built a nation with their own hands, together. And when Tommy offered up one of his lives in return for L’Manburg’s freedom, Wilbur’s heart almost broke on the spot.

     After winning L’Manburg its freedom, (If you could even call it winning), Wilbur felt as if it was unfair that he had just proclaimed himself president. In honor of true democracy, they decided to hold an election. Their party was the only one running, until one day someone from far away named Quackity, accompanied by George, wanted to put democracy to the test and created their own running party to rival Tommy and Wilbur’s, called SWAG2020. Suddenly, everyone seemed to have a burst of confidence after seeing Quackity challenge POG2020. All of the sudden, one running party had turned into four. POG2020, consisting of Tommy and Wilbur, SWAG2020, which included Quackity and George, COCONUT2020, comprised of Niki and Fundy, who had mainly run as a joke. And the last party, SCHLATT2020, a one-man party including someone that had been previously banned from the SMP. 

     So the election went on, and Wilbur never got too worried. He knew his people loved him, and he was confident that he would get their votes. Last minute, in an attempt to skew the votes, SWAG2020 and SCHLATT2020 elected to combine votes. And it worked. Leading SCHLATT2020 to victory with 46% of the vote. Immediately taking the stage, Schlatt was quick to revoke the citizenship of the brothers who had built the country he now ruled.

      The two of them were practically chased out of their L’Manburg, soon to be renamed Manburg. They found themselves in a ravine, both of them panicking and on the verge of tears. Tommy quickly sobered himself up, and declared that they would get their L’Manburg back, they just needed a little bit of help. So while the newly formed country was built in the bottom of a ravine, Tommy proposed the dreaded idea of calling his older brother. Wilbur was hesitant at first, but eventually was the one to give him the call as he knew it was for the best. When Technoblade showed up at the best possible time, they were elated! However, there was just a smidge of hope in the both of them that their father would accompany his favorite son. 

      Day after day, Wilbur was slowly going insane. Every day he wasn’t ruler of L’Manburg, he lost a bit of himself. He eventually had become so far gone, he believed that if he couldn’t have L’Manburg, then nobody could. He proposed his plan of blowing the place to smithereens to Tommy, who was immediately against it. Tommy just wanted his country back. He didn’t want it gone for good. Wilbur was persistent with this plan though, and recruited Dream to supply him with all the TNT he could ever ask for. He was just waiting for the opportunity to arise. And luckily for him, it came in the form of a festival. 

     The days leading up to the festival were some of Wilbur’s worst. He wasn’t himself, and everyone around him knew it. That didn’t stop them from helping him plant the TNT. The day of the festival, Tommy, Wilbur, and Tubbo had a hushed conversation on top of a building not far from the podium. Wilbur was having second thoughts about his plan, so he placed all of the weight on Tubbo. He told him to just say the word and he would detonate the explosives that would destroy the country he once ruled. And when Tubbo did say the line, Wilbur sprinted towards the button room, only to forget where it was. While Wilbur was away, Schlatt had put Tubbo in a cement box, accusing him of treason. With this, he called Technoblade up to the stage, ordering him to execute Tubbo. As he pulled the trigger on his rocket launcher, Techno looked back to his little brother, to see him on top of a building with a devastated look on his face. Techno didn’t seem to feel too guilty. He started slaughtering everyone around him. In the midst of Techno’s massacre, Tommy ran towards Wilbur, and before he could even get a word out, Wilbur was quick to tell him the TNT had been moved. 

     After the festival, a new war was declared. The Manburg v. Pogtopia war. They had finally won, they had gotten their L’Manburg back. As Wilbur stepped up to the mic, he suddenly turned on his heel and beckoned his younger brother and right-hand man to the stage. He handed L’Manburg to Tommy, and exited the stage. Tommy denied rulership of L’Manburg, stating he still had unfinished business to take care of and couldn’t rule L’manburg the way it should’ve been run, and so he handed the presidency to his best friend and partner in crime, Tubbo. While the presidency hot potato was going on, Wilbur was having an internal battle in the button room. He was reading the lyrics to My L’Manburg when he felt a presence behind him. He felt a hand on his shoulder and looked over to see his father. His dad. He looked at him with tear-filled eyes, and detonated the TNT. He could feel the blast, feel the heat coming from behind him, washing over him in waves. 

     He looked over to see his dad’s shocked expression, and turned to face the chaos he had brought upon his L’Manburg. Seeing his younger brother’s expression is what finally did it. He took a step closer to Phil. He had seen the glimmering sword on his father’s back, and he knew what needed to happen.

      “Kill me, Dad. Please.”

      Phil couldn’t even look him in the eyes, he knew he had failed his son, and he knew that there was nothing ke could do about it now. So he unsheathed his sword, trying to ignore the feeling of taking away his son’s last life. Standing there, holding his son’s corpse, getting quickly covered in dirt and debris, he knew he had failed as a father. He dropped his son’s limp body to the ground and fled the scene, going back to the place he never should’ve escaped to in the first place. A little while later, his favorite son came home covered in blood, his clothes torn and crown slightly crooked on his head. Techno looked up at his father, only to see him also covered in blood. He quickly glanced over him and determined that it wasn’t his own blood. Before he could even utter the question, his dad shattered his world with one sentence. 

     “It’s Wil’s blood, Techno. He’s gone.”

      Techno swears he blacked out. His twin, his other half, was gone. The one person he should’ve been there for, he wasn’t. And now he was paying the price. Back at what was once L’Manburg, Tommy was lashing out. He didn’t know what to do without his older brother, didn’t know how to cope with the loss. So at first he went to Tubbo, only to realize Tubbo was too busy for him, he had presidential duties to attend to. With a heavy heart, Tommy leaves Tubbo’s office only to bump into someone new in town. Ranboo. Ranboo takes one glance at Tommy and knows he needs someone to talk to. However, Tommy doesn’t want to talk, he wants to wreak havoc on something, anything. He asks Ranboo for some help griefing George’s new vacation home, and Ranboo agrees almost instantly. Together they head to George’s newest property, wrecking the place, and starting a small fire that was completely accidental. It quickly gets out of hand, and before they know it George’s cottage has erupted into flames and suddenly they’re running. They arrive back to the partially rebuilt L’Manburg, and agree to ignore that it had ever happened, both of them happy to at least gained a new friend amidst all the chaos. 

       Meanwhile, Dream stumbles across George’s cottage in flames and immediately starts fuming. He knows exactly who did this, and he knows what he wants to happen to him. He storms into L’Manburg, and starts to silently place obsidian walls around the entire country. Tubbo and his cabinet rush out of the white house as soon as they notice what’s going on. Tubbo questions Dream, only to get a half coherent answer. All he managed to gather was that Tommy fucked up, and he needed to be put on trial for his actions. Once Tubbo finally got a cohesive answer from Dream, he was furious. He asked Tommy to do one thing for him, just one, and he couldn’t even do that. So he and Dream march to find Tommy, all while Fundy and Quackity try to talk Dream out of insisting exile. Tubbo is conflicted. He obviously doesn’t want to exile his best friend, but at the same time, what kind of leader would he be if he let criminals run free and let Dream build the walls?  During Tommy’s trial, Tubbo made the last minute decision to exile Tommy from the nation he once built. Dream forcefully escorted Tommy out of L’Manburg, but not before Tommy could spot the phantom of his favorite brother standing right in front of him. 

     Ghostbur insisted on coming on this “vacation” with Tommy, helping him establish Logsteadshire. Ghostbur didn’t stay long, and he only came to visit every so often. The only person to ever really visit Tommy, was Dream. The green man checked in on Tommy every day, making him put all of his belongings in a pit and blowing them up. The manipulation from Dream mixed with the lack of seeing his friends lead Tommy to the top of this pillar. While he peered down to what could be his doom, he had a sudden realization; Dream wasn’t his friend. He never was. Realizing this had put a pep back into his step, and he took off running, sprinting away from Logsted and never looking back. 

     He eventually came across what he could only assume was his oldest living brother’s home; the place he was abandoned by his father for: the Arctic empire. This was the last place he ever wanted to step foot into, but considering it was dark outside and he had been running for hours, he was just happy to get shelter, no matter where it was. He entered the home, and was immediately hit with the smell of his family. The nostalgia came crashing over him like a bunch of bricks. Taking another look around, he realized he was angry. What was so good about this place anyways? What did this place have that his childhood home didn’t? Was it him, was he what this place didn’t have? Shaking the thoughts from his head, he began rummaging through his brother’s chests. Finding lots of useful materials, and a few just for him, he began looking for a place to burrow for the time being. Settling on the underneath of the house, he got to work making his little hidey-hole. 

     He knew he couldn’t stay hidden forever. He just thought he would have more time than this. As Techno dragged him up the stairs by his ear, he profusely apologized. This was Techno’s first sign. Tommy never apologized. Forcefully sitting him down, he glared at his younger brother. 

     “Gapples. Now.” Techno demanded. 

      He expected a fight. He expected anything but this. As Tommy quickly emptied everything in his pockets all while still muttering apologies, Techno took a good hard look at his little brother. His clothes were torn, his eyebags were darker than Techno had ever seen them, and he looked like he hadn’t eaten in days. Techno decided then and there that he would help Tommy, so long as Tommy helped him.

      And so the brother’s teamed up. They mutually agreed to help each other get what they wanted. Techno agreed to help Tommy get his discs back as long as Tommy helped him commit (minor) terrorism in his old home. They made a plan, and they had it all worked out. Until Tommy came to his senses, and realized just what he agreed to. He backed out of the plans, apologizing to his older brother, moving to stand next to Tubbo. Techno nodded solemnly, and formed an alliance with Dream, Tommy’s number one tormentor, right in front of him. Making a quick getaway, Techno and Dream run back to the empire, planning their reign of terror over L’Manburg while Tommy takes on the leadership role and motivates everyone to fight against them tomorrow.

     Doomsday roles around, and Techno’s here earlier than promised. Phil is here too, Tommy realizes. That hurt him more than he’d like to admit. (He likes to tell himself he isn’t too affected by Phil, but even he knows that’s a lie). He looks above him to see a large obsidian grid, for which he isn’t sure what its purpose is.  Surrounding him is his older brother, spawning wither after wither, laughing maniacally as his hound army relentlessly attacks anyone nearby. Next to Techno is his dad. His father, helping his favorite son destroy what he and Wilbur had worked so hard for. He felt like crying. He didn’t think seeing Phil here, helping Techno decimate L’Manburg could hurt any more than being abandoned did. He was wrong. So, very wrong. Knowing that his dad was here, and actively fighting against him gave him the answers he had always known. He was never Phil’s favorite, he never would be. 

     He’s only snapped out of his haze by the sound of agony-filled screams. He looks around this nation, just to see TNT raining from the obsidian grid. Oh. That’s what that's for. He seems surprisingly calm about this.  His main priority is making sure Tubbo is safe, and once he’s assured that he is, he started going after Techno. When he finally catches up to him, he can only seem to think of one thing. Techno isn’t his brother anymore. 

     “Technoblade, for once in your life just listen to me!” Tommy pleads, but it does no good. Techno just laughs in his face, going on and on about how his intentions were clear, how he was against government, and how he knew this was coming. Tommy realizes then that Techno was never in it to help Tommy, he was never on their side. He was only helping them for his own personal gain. 

     “You’re selfish.” Is the only sentence Tommy can form. He can’t even stand to look at the person he used to call family. He runs to find Tubbo, meeting him on top of the obsidian grid. They share a look that says more than words ever could. Tommy starts,

     “We’ve gotta end it, Tubbo. You and me. Just like it’s always been. We have to kill Dream.” He and Tubbo agree. It started with them, and it’s going to end with them.

     Standing there, peering down at the crater that was once his saving grace, Tommy sees Phil and Techno, bouncing around, seemingly guilt free. Locking eyes with his unremorseful father, Tommy decides then that Phil isn’t his dad. He never was. Techno wasn’t his brother, and Phil was never his dad. 

[katsukisbeatingheart]

capella and rigel

au where you don’t see color until you meet your soulmate. they come to you one at a time the longer you’re together.

word count: 2,530

a.n.: you guys are BREAKING MY HEART you’ve been so sweet and receptive with the last one ( sing to me ) im such a mess ( ´��ຶv༎ຶ`) i SEE YOU i WILL kiss you i am not playing. anyway!! im posting these soulmate works in an order backwards from which i started - which is funny, because that way it goes from least angstish to most. 

here are the others!

Shinso

Sero

Bakugou

ao3

When the blue exploded, you weren’t ready for your world to change with a rushing suddenness. You were blindsided with the odd experience of a first time that felt like memory.

First off, you didn’t know how you knew blue would be it, but you did.

When someone told you that’s what color that sweater you liked to wear all the time was, you just knew. When someone told you that’s what color some of your favorite fruits were, you just knew. When someone told you that’s what color the sky was, you just knew.

When someone told you that’s what color the ocean was—because it reflected the sky—you cried because you just knew.

There was something revelatory of such a relationship—the rhapsodic truth that two forces of nature could be reflections of the other, even with completely opposing standpoints.

In your greyscale vacuum, you were none the wiser to a life that could promise that yet. From a young age, you hoped and prayed for that day to come, until it became a hapless strain of static that took a backseat to growing up.

In general, you hadn’t known what to expect; you imagined that cats were probably the color of sprinkles on ice cream, trees were balloons floating in the air, and pavements were the color of spring. When you looked up to the night, you thought that stars might be like lighting a candle. You thought that might mean yellow.

And even when it was so dark, you hoped the sky would still be blue.

It tore through every crevice of your vision, crowding your sight and singeing your senses.

Blue wasn’t supposed to come to you in a maelstrom on a previously peaceful Sunday morning. It wasn’t supposed to burn through the pages of one of your favorite books, or weld your utensils together.

It was supposed to bump into you on a tramline station, at a park, in a crowd, and then apologise quickly; it was supposed to be in widening eyes and stuttering breaths that gave you a name you’d knew like an old friend you had yet to meet.

It wasn’t supposed to be in so much pain.

It wasn’t supposed to cause any of it, either.

You’re on your back, starry eyed and afraid all at once, suffering the memory of your first time seeing color. It’s burning you, you realize, and the tears evaporate before they touch skin.

Blue fire is attention grabbing—it’s blue, you know it is—and watching it move like you imagined blue waves would was mesmerizing. It soaked the ground with scorch marks, scarring bedlam and terror into the earth.

Your eyes blown wide catch every moment, frozen in blue.

Though, as more of the hue crops up in all different directions, your eyes are suddenly the only part of you that can’t sit still. If the fire does anything else better than burn, it’s cast light—as it throws your vision farther than usual.

You don’t miss a single detail.

The sea of people around you scatter in fear— there’s chaos but you just can’t move—and you’re anchored to the ground like roots of a tree that didn’t get to choose its growing place. You’re trapped somewhere off centre in a spiraling vortex of entropy simultaneously inhaling and granting your newfound freedom.

Across the street in spots on a mailbox, the smallest pieces detailed the metal in cool colored rivets; in the scorching bed along the stone wall cafe lay crisped, blue calla lilies; the delicate hue accented in little flora shaded your spilled and shattered tea glass.

With the proximity of unimaginable heat, noise, and overall calamity shuffling so quickly around you, you felt encased in time. An hourglass tipped in your throat and the scalding sands ran through your veins. The inferno raged on until you noticed your place in it. It spun in a tempest around you and everything melted away.

Your vision shifts and you find the catalyst to be a tall, dark, and lanky shadow of a man. He contrasted the unyielding light—that he was producing, you agnised—to an almost sardonic degree. He held his hands in his pockets and shoulders in a slouch that said all of this was of no consequence, concern, or effort to him. He looked bored.

That is, until he saw you, too.

Freezing blue eyes glistened back at you in a cacophony of emotions.

There’s comprehension, apprehension, indignation—you try to settle on one, though absolutely fruitless with a whirlpool of your own at your feet.

You tried to speak your disbelief, a sense of joy, a simple admission to life, but your voice died on your tongue. The fumes coiled at your throat, still you held your ground. It was all you could do in your dormancy, and it was all you were going to do on the precipice of eruption.

It was like watching someone conduct a hurricane, what he did next.

His hands hummed an unknown melody to the flames, and you watched and waited and listened to the music that poured out if him—quickly becoming a little more afraid at the prospect of becoming an unwittingly unwilling participant from the audience.

However, the coiling and dissipation of the blue told you that this was the grand finale, and in a voiceless and motionless dance, he swayed out of sight under the haze of blue hellfire—so searing it was cold to the touch.

•.•.•.

When the heroes arrived, the police whisked you away to take your statement and check for injuries. It was like talking—and mostly listening—through a thick pane of glass, though. You said very little, and perceived even less.

What were you going to do? Include in your witness report that the perpetrator was your soulmate? That fact alone changed everything, and you knew that if you were to speak up about it now, the authorities would take you in. You weren’t about to be used as an asset when you had barely any time to process the truth yourself.

Everything was running smoothly, until the heroes came around to check on the injured. An expressionless man with two-toned hair and a nasty scar over his eye stepped before you, an ‘Are you alright?’ soft on his lips, contrasting the sternness in his features.

You took one look at the color of his left eye and fainted against the ambulance doors.

•.•.•.

Waking in a sweating bundle on your bedcovers was not a good way to end the day. It skewed your sense of reality, and you had to wrestle away the idea that the whole thing might have been a dream. The headache didn’t help, but it was proof you know what you saw. And what you were currently seeing.

A lot of everything else was still in greyscale, but your eyes weren’t lying to you as you took in your room. Blue comic books, pens, decals, posters, pictures; the laundry overflowed your basket, spilling in a pile of blue onto your carpet.

Blue eyes in the corner of your room.

“What did you see?” you whispered. He’s there like the shade of gossamer window curtains, a figureless concept of existence, and yet you speak knowing he’s suddenly the most solid thing there.

“You.”

You inhaled sharply, barely a pinprick to the weight in the room.

“You know that’s not what I mean. I’m not a color.”

“You were the brightest thing there. Might as well have been.”

“Impossible,” you laughed, waving your hand absently to dismiss your incredulity. “You set everything on fire.”

“Makes no difference,” he affirmed in a tone that sounded rich, drawled, and deep like molasses and a smoky room. There was silence as his voice drizzled along your skin, a safe distance in the uncertainty. It doesn’t break, even when you speak the opposite of what you should be uncertain about.

“You shouldn’t be here.”

“Yet here I am.”

There’s a flutter by your open window, and you unfold yourself from your stagnant place on your bed. Without argument, you wisp to its side, facing the world like it was unchanged.

His presence is permeable next to you, yet you were sure you had never felt anything as real.

Everything and nothing was the same.

“What do you see?”

“Still you.”

You glance to the side and see an almost facetious simper gliding across his features, even though you knew he was probably being anything but flippant.

“Dabi.”

He shifted almost imperceptibly, coiling with the dark to a time and space closer. He smelled like amber pine and sawdust, collecting evening dew.

“So you do know who I am.”

You picked at the peeling paint along the sill. It was still white.

“I follow the news. I’ve seen your face stuck to faded alley posters.”

“Now what would you be doing in alleyways?” He chuckled lowly through thinly veiled, amused bewilderment.

So he didn’t know who you were.

Just as well, it wasn’t like you lived a life of any consequence.

Truth was, you were simply a curious person with an awkward and clumsy sense of direction—finding yourself on adventures you could easily get yourself out of, only with a little time, effort, and backtracking. Even though you’d much rather see it through to the end, no matter how dark, twisted, or ugly.

The truth wasn’t meant to be pretty.

But he didn’t need to know that.

And if this were to keep up anyway, he’d find out soon enough.

You peered at him through your eyelashes and his shape almost disappeared. Instead, you leaned forward into the open world, trying to catch life as it moved below you. Your eyes spotted grass and trees, and you gasped before you could stop yourself.

“They’re green.”

“So I’ve been told.”

You turned your head to face him, chewing the inside of your cheek.

“I’ve never seen green before.”

He’s quiet as he stares at you. He had leaned against the wall beside you, hip and head propped like he wouldn’t rather be looking anywhere else. You stare back softly, still not used to the visceral experience in eye contact.

“What do you see?” he asks like holding glass. You’re tempted to keep it to yourself for at least a day longer—safeguard the truth like you were the only one in the world who could see colors. An innocent secret you’d never have to share with anybody.

And yet here was a thread presented to you by the universe, asking to be pulled from the tangle.

You looked at his frayed edges and twisted knots, feeling your own pull tighten like a lifeline.

“Blue,” you breathe. He’s beside you now, angled to the open window, eyes still burning answers and questions—so many questions—across your very surface.

You both stretch out, casting your eyes up to the night sky, in your own world like he wasn’t who he was and you weren’t who you were. Collected in a jar of your own making, you spill your breath across the open air, and he’s there with you like a pooling splash of ink you don’t want out. Oh, the memories you could write with him.

“So these are the stars, huh?” his tone hasn’t lifted from that tedium, but he talks like he’s standing among them.

Tears prickled the corner of your eyes. You couldn’t tell whether from happiness or nostalgia or disappointment or confusion or another nameless thing—you only knew that you were looking at the stars. You were looking at the night sky and suddenly seeing the stars, and—

“Some of them are blue.”

Dabi traces the bottom hemline of your sweater with his thumb, breathing clearer air than he had in a long, long time.

“There’s yellow up there, too.”

The tears spill down your cheeks, but his hand is there to catch them with cracked fingertips.

“You know,” you begin with a small sniffle, “I don’t remember the night being this… luminous.” His face splits in to a grin.

“That’s your fault.”

You roll your eyes, peeling back to lightly shove against his arm. You had barely touched him, but his heart beats as though he’d been caught in an earthquake. He’s unsteady, and grows more and more terrified by the second of the anchor in your eyes. He’s not strong enough to try and move it.

You watched him pull back, startled by the alertness in his movements. He sweeps his legs up and over the side, perched on the windowsill as though he made to jump through it.

“You’re leaving?”

“I thought you were the one who said I shouldn’t be here,” he grinned, though not without that bitter glint in his already harshly blue eyes. Your lip finds its place pulled between your teeth.

“I think there are still some things I want to see.” You glance to the side, searching for words in the spots of color blooming along the edges of your world. “With you.”

Dabi bridges small gaps between you two—some rickety and many burnt, but still there—leaving space for you to jump ship. His fingers brush warm trails across the skin of your face again, like forfeiting a whittling candelabrum to the shaking hands of a blind man.

You suppose someone like him defies all laws, even the ones of the natural world as he ghosts down the siding of the building, just another wandering shade looking for its way back.

In a day of unforseens, you try and convince yourself that it was the stars that got to you. It’s easier to place blame on things you can’t control, and part of you feels liberated knowing this was just not one of those things you were meant to expect. You let your hopes and predictions solidify the labyrinthian ground you walk on.

But as you lean through the window, you call out to him and realize you’re swallowing your assumptions like antifreeze.

“Wait!”

His head turns to the side to catch you pouring out of your mundane and into his living underworld.

“You have to come back.” The yellow on your sweater burns into your irises, and he has never been more wary of his place in the universe. Especially when it glows back at him through the eyes of a future he didn’t know he even had.

“I want to know what sunrises look like.”

The tempest in him glares up at the beacon your window—no—you provide and he feels a weird, opposing sense of mitigation and incertitude. A ubiquitous tangibility his first instinct declares a malignant impediment.

Still, he can’t help but feel as though a tide were in the process of crashing his lifeboat—a stray piece of driftwood—on to obscure shores.

That can’t be all that much of a bad thing, he considers.

With a small, barely there and imperceptibly honest smile, he places a two fingered tap to the crown of his forehead—throwing an ignition to the wind in a quiet promise.

The light fades, and you clutch the matchstick, watching the blue disappear with him into the dark of night.

[ghostofcitrus]

realizations?? cool, cool...

brief warning : i mention transmedicalism and talk about my own body a little

okay so im seeing myself do the exact same shit ive done multiple times ive done when researching gender and stuff. it literally goes like this every time:

i start to think about gender a bit, it floats around the back of my minds for few weeks or whatever. the thoughts comes up more pressing occasionally, but overall it doesnt bug me, its kinda just there

i either think about it more, look at myself in the mirror a certain way, see someone come out, or get reminded of an identity (literally always one of the demigenders. demi-girl, -boy, and -gender have all been past identities/considered identities of mine). now its on the front of my mind.

i do something (when i was younger i layered sports bras, recently i cut my hair, that stuff) and im like fuck okay im really thinking about this now

i go through this back and forth with myself (which was like all my other posts) and eventually land on yes i do actually identify like this. i feel happy and think about the changes i wish i could make to myself (hair, no titties, name, pronoun change)

thennnn i find transmeds again. “you need dysphoria to be trans”. and i like lose my marbles. i start to think of both the discomfort i feel and the lack of discomfort. the best way i can describe it is a similar way i used to experience my sensory issues (before realizing they were sensory issues) : i dont feel like its bothering me, but when i do something that “helps” (i.e. noise cancelling headphones, experiment with pronouns, stuff like that) i feel soo much better!!

but then i start to think that if i had to live as a woman/girl, i would be fine. my life would still be good, id still be happy, all that. so i realize i dont expereince dysphoria, because its obviously not distressing to live as i do presenting fully female, and it doesnt impare my day to day life.

so i stop identifying like that, let it fade out of my mind, and go along with my life, and use the fact that i can do that as proof that im not actually nonbinary. i ignore what i really want and do like other “half” things, like wearing a minimizer bra, cutting my hair mid length, and i used to really hate my body but i worked really reallyyy hard to just accept it and love it. even if it doesnt really feel like me, i just dont really pay attention to it. i like what my body looks like. i think its a nice body,,, not that it actually feels like MINE. but regardless. and it seems that this comes back up every so often. and the process repeats.

anyways. the more i think about the fact that in my head i literally have always had a skewed prospective of my body that does not match what i see, the more confident i feel in identifying as nonbinary. as much as im logically aware that i have Big Boobies, im always surprised to see them/my general body shape. i think a lotlotlot of my self hatred came from that feeling. so like forcing myself to love it has been great...but that disconnect is still there. theres just like no/much less hatred that comes from it anymore. i wear more formfitting clothes and dresses and feel good or nuetral about it, something i really couldnt do before. but JEEZ thinking about having no boobs MM yes Please. being more androgenous but still feminine (idk if that makes sense lmao). and right now? the more i think about how much more comfortable id be like that, the more uncomfortable i am as i am(like, im actualy aware of my chest rn rather than the feeling that it literally doesnt exist til i see it then just :( ). ive never liked a lot of my features but i didnt ever think that maybe the hyper “femaleness” of it was a part of it. and that my desires for more nuetrality (wanting a more nuetral name, getting excited by nuetral pronouns, wanting no b00bs/lots of curves, loving my super short hair, etc) was more rooted in gender than self hatred, and so when i worked through the self hatred part i kinda started to just pretend it wasnt still there, bc i had previously chalked it up to self hatred bc i couldnt be trans/nonbinary without dysphoria right? (according to ppl) and i wasnt actually DISTRESSED by being seen as a girl! so i was just a self-hating girl. but now that the self hatred is gone but a lot of the underlying feelings remain... im re thinking. but still stressed idk. basically what im trying to say is i think i have more of an “issue” with my gender than i thought i did before.

but basically: ugh. if you would like to idkkk.... share thoughts/feelings/personal experience/validation thats all coool.... and very appriciated  

[rk1kheadcanons]

Markus and Connor in a Highschool AU. Connor’s the quiet nerd nobody pays attention to and Markus is the popular jock w/ a soft side (and a love for music). Connor goes to find a place to study and finds Markus playing the piano. He agrees to keep it a secret and they just start falling in love.

So, I am really starting to love the whole college AU aspects what-ifs for one Connor Anderson and Markus Manfred.

Connor has always been the blink and you miss him type of guy. He doesn't particularly stand out in the looks department. As for style, he knows it's questionable, but look at his dad's taste he got it from. He has lovely chocolate curly hair, wears his big frames on his big brown eyes, and goes with it.

He's wildly intelligent and super sweet if you do get to know him. He is a geek and his proud of that. He leaves all that varsity stuff to Ayden, his twin.

He's pretty much invisible and he likes it like that. Gives him time to lurk about, peruse beauty when it's found, and never be noticed. Well, he thought he wasn't.

He'd just ran headfirst into one of his guilty pleasures he viewed from afar...in a small music room, playing gorgeous piano tones from a song he could not call to mind so he was guessing was made by the performer.

Connor could only stare at the shapely broad shoulders of the other as he continued to play out the unknown melody on the ivory keys. He hadn't meant to barge in almost onto the bench with this wonderful spectacle, just study for this musty, dusty test Mr. Perkins had given out at last moment. It was a wonder how the other man could not hear him how fast and hard he had come in but he chalked it up to the piano covering it.

It wasn't even really a challenge, just more so annoying and Connor sought out quiet after a busy school day.

But this, this was all his hopes, dreams, and anxiety wrapped up onto a little bow.

Before Connor could leave out the way he came, the song came to an end and so did his stealthy exit. He stood their beet red and awkward but said the first thing that came to mind.

"That was very beautiful, sorry I came in without realizing it was taken."

Of course, the other man was startled by the admission, not expecting anyone to be there, let alone catch him on a hidden secret that Jocks could like and excel at musical instruments.

Turning around he went to answer with an "it's okay" and stalled at seeing Connor.

Connor saw the moment those intense mismatched eyes landed on him and then swept him head to toe. The sweet, deep voice of the other stalling had Connor wanting to run out of the room or the floor take him into a hole.

Markus Manfred, the Senior Varsity Football Player, was too beautiful for the world and he was checking Connor out and he couldn't deal.

Markus realizes he's staring and making the doe-eyed man in front of him nervous, knowing he can be intense, and he immediately apologizes.

"Thank You for the compliment. It's a skill I learned from my father...please don't tell anyone. They give me hell because I'm not an asshole as is," Markus sighs rubbing his hand over his shaved hair.

"What's your name? Im Markus. You look so familiar..."

Connor was in another world. A world where Markus voice was the soundtrack and everything was safe and secure, wait, did he ask something, say something?

"Oh, uh, my name is Connor Anderson. You play football with my twin, Ayden. Why should I forget you play? So what people have a skewed view of what a 'jock' or 'geek' should like?"

That's where the face was from but he was somehow, softer and cuter, and that voice... Markus stared at him a moment wide-eyed. Well, shit, he'd been too forthcoming again, Connor surmised.

Markus was having a hard time breathing for a moment. This beautiful person named Connor was spicy and had opinions™ on things and Markus was very Bi.

"Yes," Markus said slowly with a small smile at Connor. "You are correct, of course, that it should not matter. As a 'geek', what's your hidden secret then since I'm all here exposed?" Markus had meant it to be a joke, not expecting the other to answer.

Connor thought long and hard about his answer. He had loved this person from afar for a while now and from this little exposure he was having, he wanted to know more. What he did next would either be very foolish or advantageous.

"Well, I think that you are very handsome. Your music was superb. Despite the stereotype, I listen to all types of music: Jazz, R&B, and *giggles* heavy metal my go-to's. I think the fact that you are multi-faceted personality-wise, seem to be kind to the point of thoughtful is wonderful."

Markus face erupted into an open grin, wide and toothy.

"Ok, Connor Anderson. I hear you loud and clear that I should not be ashamed of who I am, even if it's a star athlete pianist. Also, I heard that handsome, bit. Hmm, would you be insulted if I invite you on a date? Maybe we can get to know each other even more, Mr. Billie Holiday-Khalid-Black Sabbath, I love that honestly."

Connor could not help but chuckle at the subtle jab of his genres of music.

"Yes, I think I would like that. Would you play the piano for me again soon?"

[faintwalker]

for the artist asks!! the questions i wanna ask u are 1, 2, 7, 9, 10, 12, 15, 25, and 30 👌 ive never done any of these artist ask things before so im not sure if thats way too many questions so u can skip some if u like

Even more questions!  -wWw-  

(As I’ve already answered 1, 2, 7, 15, and 25 with the previous ask, I will skip over those, but let me know if you want an answer expanded upon!)  

So, it looks like I’m starting with:  

9. How much time do you spend drawing on an average day?  

I feel like I should say that, due to the pandemic, I feel like I didn’t pick up this hobby on a time of average days, so that may skew the data a bit.  On some days I don’t draw at all, for various reasons, or I only get a small doodle done.  Some days I draw for a few hours.  And some days I spend more time, sometimes even the majority of the day, working on art, usually when I’m afflicted with hyperfocus for a project.

So, an average day is probably more than one hour but less than five.  Maybe.  I can’t say I’m sure.  

10. Are you confident about your art?  

It depends, I think.  

Perhaps I should say I’m confident with where I’m at with my art, in many ways.  I’m still learning and growing as an artist, and there are many ways in which I hope to improve my abilities.  Some of my art has many mistakes, and certain pieces are uncomfortable to look at with how glaring the mistakes feel-- even some of these pieces are on my blog.  I try to avoid showing a strong lack of confidence when I don’t feel great about something, because really: 

The art I do is a hobby.  I don’t have to be perfect at it, all I have to do is find that it brings something worthwhile to my life.  

And so for me, drawing isn’t about being perfect.  If I was trying to convey a concept, did I convey the concept?  If I was trying to capture a certain feeling, do I feel it when I look upon the piece?  If I thought of something silly, does my art of it still make me want to laugh?  Sometimes art is about emotional processing or healing or fear.  Sometimes art is wanting to share something with someone else, hoping to brighten their day.  It’s a form of expression, and it can express all kinds of things.

(If my art is a love letter to something that matters to me in life, do I feel glad of the time I spent on it?)  

When I ask questions like this, I would say that I have confidence even if I have much to learn in the way of skill.  And I do think some of my skill is pretty decent, too!  I can have a lot to learn and still feel good with what I do now.  

Even if a piece is not my “best,” I will still often put it up so as to not corner myself into raising my own bar on what’s “good enough” to an impossible high.  To live like that is miserable for me.

(I grew up in a place where my worth was dependent on my abilities.  To draw and create without my art needing to be “good enough”-- needing to try for perfection on every piece when perfection itself is an abstract concept-- is a way in which I make myself freer.  And so my philosophy on art has perhaps become a strange one, but it gives me the strength to draw as I do.)  

(Sorry if my answer is odd and overly heavy!  I was trying to answer the question honestly, and this was the best way I could think to do it.)  

12. Is it okay for people to ask you about your process?  

Super okay!  If you’re curious about something, please feel free to ask!  

-wWw-  

(I already answered 15, but on some days when I do many little drawings, the time between posting can give an idea of how long they take!  I often post things soon after I draw them.  Not always, and some time is spent with taking the picture and formatting the post, but I did realize that sometimes when I draw many smaller things, I do them in a row!)  

30. What inspires you to not just make art, but to be a better artist?  

Many things, to be honest!  There are things I would like to convey better in my art, so that’s a big one.  Seeing other people’s art can be inspiring-- I can’t word it well at present, but the world is full of all this art and I find that to be wonderful.  Sometimes that makes me want to contribute too, partially out of appreciation.  I’d like to make things that other people can see and have feelings about.  I think that’d be pretty cool.  (It’s always super cool to hear when people like my art!  Makes me really happy.)  

On the contributing-- I like to make fanart.  It’s fun to be part of an online community of people who all like a certain thing and celebrate that in various ways, and seeing all that inspires me to put in effort when I can!  Thanks to all of the kind people who have been part of my positive fandom experience!

As I said earlier, art is a form of expression, and so part of it is wanting to express myself better.  

Below the cut I get dark and heavy.  This is your warning about that.

 To be personal for a moment again: I’ve survived through some really terrible things in life.  One of the things that helped me the most to get through that and to make it to the better place I’m in now, to keep me going on alright, is seeing reflections of pain similar to what I went through in fiction.  I don’t know anyone who lived through a situation like mine, and I’m happy about that, actually, because I don’t want people to suffer, but a fictional character can’t be hurt in the same way as a person can be, as they are a concept.  And it’s not easy to find characters with hurts very similar to my hurts actually dealing with them in a psychologically realistic or relatable way, but when I do find content with that, it matters so much to me.  It makes me feel like I’m not alone. 

If I can, I want to make something of the sort that I find helpful, in the hopes that it might help someone else too.  And that is the deepest heart of it-- helping myself and others.  

---  

Thank you for sending in the questions, jellyfish!  I hope the heavy answers are okay.

[flykerings]

what made you realize you are a sx/so and not a sx-blind?

Long, complicated story about how I played myself. How to condense it...

1.I was sure I was contraflow. I related to being orientated towards other people but being picky about who I'm with, having a disruptive effect in the environment, being "too much" for other people for seemingly no reason, having a tendency to withdraw, low sp as fuck, generally hate people...etc. These are things both so/sps and sx/sos share, but i never considered sx/so because, after all, i am not an extravagant diva. I never realized that descriptions are skewed towards dom Se, SeFi, 4, 7, 8 and even BPD and won't go well with an introvert with depression and a 6 core. Especially with Fe which, with 6, mitigates the typical sp blind retardation to a degree. I'm not going to relate to being a fucking crackhead, that's Se doms, regardless of ivs.

2.I have terrible self-awareness. Most of what I'll describe after this are things I did without realizing cause I'm a dumbfuck. When I think about it,I used to type as 7 mostly for sx dom reasons. 🙄 had a crisis over being """selfish""" and everything even though as a soc 7w6 id have been the opposite of selfish because soc 7 is countertype.

3.Bad timing. I "broke through" this community while very unhealthy and under-sx'd, after having yet another breakup with my only """sx bond""" at the time. What does an sx/so do in this case? seek for sx through soc, because the aux is made to serve the dominant's needs, and that is why we often mistake it for the dominant. It's more conscious and like a tool, while the dominant instinct is so normal and omnipresent that you might not notice it. And i mistook what I was doing for, well...dom soc. Not to mention, half the reason I did it was to fuck with my friend, lol. Anyways, it was all fun and games until time passed and i eventually stopped identifying with being an so/sp. I wasn't feeling it anymore. Very odd, because I used to get kick out of doing that? After the high went down I spent most of my time here denying what people think so/sps are like and being generally dissatsified, as my so/sp larping lost steam. Especially after I got a real taste of the people i thought were "interesting" among this community, things quickly lost their luster and then I started complaining about my IVs not feeling right, but never actually piercing through because I had no idea what else i could be.

4.People on tumblr talking about sx in a pretentious way because they like to make themselves feel special. What do I tell you man, I am a humble 6. I see people mystify sx and my dumbshit Ni 6 starts imagining some grandioze shit and blows it out of proportion. I conceptualized sx early on as something that isnt actually what it is, something that didnt exist, then i stared at it from afar. Very stupid, but some elitists here didn't help because they like to gatekeep sx as if it's something that special. Being a 6, with abysmal levels of self-esteem, my superego would fucking shut up about how I wasn't "good enough" to be sx, which is a retarded by the way, and so i couldn't even imagine the possibility. INFJs are fucking cancelled what is this shit stacking. Also, desintegration to 3 voice amirite.

5.I live in a society like you couldnt even imagine. If I'm sx dom my 6 thinks I'm fucked. Even though, wouldn't it make sense? I'm pretty out there for an INFJ, have better inf Se, and the only thing I care about is my hobbies and finding the right people. I hate sp normalcy that I'm stuck in and I look at it with borderline disdain, especially paired with Si because I'm an Se user....but my soc second also doesn't care that much if i'm fucked because I'm not making an effort to go towards it for security either. Which brings me to the next point, what concretely made me retype suddenly after spending like 2 years telling myself im So/sp?

6.I found out im a 6. Found my true ennea, good, but then that makes things different. So/sp 6 is a whole phenomenon and it definitely isn't what I fuck with. I have soc so I might be soc second, but I mean, me? I'm a high Fe, with 6w7, if I were an So/sp it would be obvious. I'm a contra, its normal that I hate soc, but i don't just hate it. I think its fine sometimes, as a means to an end. I do some of it and then I yeet. I don't wanna be bothered by it a lot of the time so i ignore it a lot of the time...doesn't sound like a dominant instinct. I'd abhor for it to control my life and the idea of being loyal to a soc thing doesn't sound appealing to me because that's not the endgame.

On a Discord server, I come in, I realize I can't impact the discussion or at least add my own KebTM grain of salt to it/don't click with anything that's happening then I leave immediately. Usually, though, the opposite happens and I do make an impression, positive or negative, or end up monopolizing the conversation. I'm either quiet or I'm loud. And this is why plenty of people either really like me and stick to my withdrawn ass or they hate me on sight and then I go like "Oh gee i wonder why they hate me so much??" Thats the effect Sx/so has, and to a lesser extent, every contra. (Attraction/repulsion is an sx thing in practicular.)

The 6 retype openedthe old can of worms: I might definitely not be a soc dom because i don't value it enough. But I might be soc second. Sp/so isnt possible because I was always "honorary sp blind". I'm a 6, so I have common sense, the funnie sp blind stories that usually involve high Pe users aren't relatable because im so concerned with safety so...duh. The insensitivity to boundaries is here but my Fe didn't raise me that way so I don't say ungodly things at the wrong moment like an fi. I wish I could just do it because shaking and disrupting situations is fun, but Fe 6/9. Even so I still do it. Soc didn't help me stop being constantly starved and tired because im not "turned on" enough. If I were high Se or lived in a more developed and forgiving society I'd probably have less problems but as an inf Se all I can do is immerse myself in my projects and nerd shit and try not to fuck up my internet friendships because sometimes, the need to shake it up by breaking something is strong, and the apathy from feeling under-sx'd is hard to quell away. As I get older, my 6 superego is letting its grip out from me and I realize there was a lot of things i did or didn't do because i was afraid of being targeted by nonexistant monsters, like pretend to be an so/sp because its safer, realize I have ran away from sx before because I sensed sp not because i sensed sx, and realize that sx was around me all along and i always see it, it was just so...normal all along.

There's more but I'm too tired and I don't wanna be a typical INFJ with the textwalls lol Hope you find this informative.

[marshmallowprotection]

I rambled this out in the tags of my reblog of ur response to my... hm, "pink" ask, but i'll put it here anyways

I think ray and i are similar in the way of emotional sensitivity and people pleaser tendencies, albeit stemming from very different origins. For Ray, it's his traumas and the lifestyle and mindset he's been forced into. For me, it's the neurological disorder/learning difference I've had all my life, ADHD, and its accompanying RSD and anxiety.

One good thing about that bad friendship i got myself into was that i learned how to be a little more independent and how to overcome certain parts of my anxiety at times, as well as how to say no and to not give in so easily into the urge to just do whatever my friends ask.

So, I'm better than I was. But like I mentioned, its a little different when i dont know the person yet, and its especially different if theyre as sweet and kind as ray is. Honestly it gets me weak. I mean, even in the game, when i play AS (and his route) for the first time, i was very compliant to everything he said, especially since he seemed to have some confidence about him (i still cant tell if im just dumb or if he actually seems that way to others in the beginning). And thats not just cos i wanted to progress with the game; i chose the options i felt drawn to.

I'd have a hard time telling him no.

As for emotional sensitivity and RSD... itd be a loop i swear oh my days lol. He's always like "sorry sorry sorry pls dont hate me" and im sitting there like "same." If i was actually there id be like "no no never! Id never hate you i swear ur so freaking nice and sweet and fjbdjdbjd" and then like that very same day, say i shot him a text or two and he doesnt respond for like an hour. I get it. I know he's busy. I don't reach out further cos i dont wanna be annoying, i just wait. And wait. And tell myself he's busy. He doesn't hate me. He's just busy. ...did i say something wrong? Maybe i was confusing...? *proceeds to reread my texts like a million times, analyzing all the possible interpretations and probably scaring myself a couple times*

Finally a text comes in, or a chatroom with him opens up, and- here's where we differ. I keep those "what if he hates me" thoughts to myself. Instead its, "oh thank goodness lol i thought maybe i was being annoying or something or offended u or made u mad" (usually just one of those; which one i felt depends on the scenario) and even then it's only if an opportunity comes up. Sometimes i'll outright ask "was i being annoying? Sorry i know i can get out of hand sometimes" or say something like "just lemme know whenever im too overbearing or annoying or confusing or fast, etc". I tend to prefer to lean towards semi-subtle phrasing rather than outright asking.

But its like... "sorry sorry; are u mad?" "No!! No im not mad... but... i thought you'd be upset at me so I was afraid to face you... and then when you didnt text me i thought it even more..." "what??? No never! I didnt text u cos i thought u were mad!" Lmaooo

[417]

Yeah, I can totally relate to that internalized dialogue. So, it just seems that you can look at him and say same hat. I understand that feeling very well because I do it all the time too. Ray oftentimes gets overworked and overwhelmed by the thought that he's not doing enough, as a matter of fact, he's been told that he's not doing enough so he just thinks that constantly without anyone having to prompt him otherwise. A part of it might be a manipulation on his part but another part of it is genuine self-loathing. It is hard to say because he has moments where his genuine sincerity comes out and moments when his plans pop out. That's why I often tell people that he's a wolf in sheep's clothing. Yes, he is relatable in a sense but that doesn't mean that he is inherently good too.

His morality is a little skewed but you can't really blame him for it given how he was manipulated himself. It is a matter of getting to know him and helping him see that something is amiss that allows him to almost realize that it's not okay. It is just too easy to overanalyze and get overwhelmed by the smallest of details that may not mean anything. It's an unfortunate circumstance that many of us have to deal with.

He's definitely a lot to deal with, and you have to be on your toes and ready to deal with it. If you are not in the right headspace or you easily get overwhelmed by little comments that may not mean much, then it's probably going to be hard for you to deal with the situations that take place with him. Even I know that I would have some specific problems with it myself given he and I have so much in common. However, don't think that that counts you out or anything. You still have the capability to get through to him.

It just comes down to empathizing and reaching out to each other when things don't feel right. That is easier said than done though so yeah, it would be a little complicated. It'll turn into a game where you're reassuring him and he's reassuring you. Sometimes it's good if someone can understand you firsthand, because the thing you can help yourself in the process.