#my incorrect post

[foerchen]

IN THE BATCAVE

Bruce: *sitting at Batcomputer minding his own business*

Jason: *getting ready for patrol*

Dick: *asks nicely*

Dick: Jay, could you hand me my escrimas?

Jason: *deadpans*

Jason: Go get them yourself, Dickface.

Tim: *walks in*

Tim: Jason, could you toss me my bo staff, please?

Jason: *no hesitation, tosses Tim his bo staff*

Dick: *shooketh*

Dick: Why do you help him and not me??? I'm your big bro, Little Wing!

Jason: Middle children have to stay together.

Dick: *confused af because Jay and Tim are his only brothers*

Tim: *curious*

Bruce: *frozen before turning around slowly*

Dick: Jason, you're the only middle child... right?

Jason: *laughs nervously*

Jason: Oh, would you look at that! Crime Alley is calling my name!

Jason: *runs*

---

SOMEWHERE IN NANDA PARBAT

Damian: *sneezes*

Damian: Somebody mentioned me.

---

LATER THAT EVENING

Talia: *on the phone with Bruce*

Talia: What! Me?! Hide a child of yours?!

Talia: *looks at Damian and a picture of Jason*

Talia: Never, Beloved.

[fanaticalthings]

Bruce Wayne except he texts like an ominous boomer

wdym you can't tell if he's threatening them?

Based on this post by @mysterycitrus :)

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Bonus:

Happy birthday, Tim 🥰

[sunburstsandmoonshadows]

el chupacabra believes in you too!

based on this tumblr chain:

[thebat-musicman]

9 year old Dick: If you’re a friendless loser and you know it, clap your hands!

Bruce:

Dick: Clap. Your. Hands.

Bruce: *clap clap*

———

12 year old Jason: HEY YOU!

Jason: HEEEEEY YOU!

Jason: HEY! YOU!

Bruce: It’s not polite to not call people by their names, Robin.

Jason: Nice try, Hey You. I know my mentor’s name.

———

13 year old Tim: You see this coffee, Bruce?

Bruce: Thank you for making this for m-

Tim: This is my coffee. You are having water. Only people who don’t break mugger’s fingers get coffee.

———

Clark: Batman, your Robins are so polite. They must have been a joy to raise.

Bruce, through clenched teeth: Such a joy.

[retroflexs]

Naruto: Now that I'm the hokage I can access the archived personnel records and see Kakashi sensei's face!

*opens the file*

*the photo is cut in half and the lower part is missing*

Naruto: You've gotta be kidding me-

10 years prior

Kakashi: Now that I'm the hokage-

[sophiebaybey]

Not to preach to the choir but I wonder if people generally realize that AI models like ChatGPT aren't, like, sifting through documented information when you ask it particular questions. If you ask it a question, it's not sifting through relevant documentation to find your answer, it is using an intensely inefficient method of guesswork that has just gone through so many repeated cycles that it usually, sometimes, can say the right thing when prompted. It is effectively a program that simulates monkeys on a typewriter at a mass scale until it finds sets of words that the user says "yes, that's right" to enough times. I feel like if it was explained in this less flattering way to investors it wouldn't be nearly as funded as it is lmao. It is objectively an extremely impressive technology given what it has managed to accomplish with such a roundabout and brain-dead method of getting there, but it's also a roundabout, brain-dead method of getting there. It is inefficient, pure and simple.

[your-senpaaaai]

try to convince me its not them

[olailamajnoon]

Dick on the phone, at 3 pm in the afternoon: Forgive me father for I have sinned.

Bruce, just woken up, squinting at the alarm clock: Dick it's 3 pm. what is this.

Dick, tearfully: My confession! I couldn't sleep, Bruce. I was the one who drove my hamster to suicide! I didn't feed him malt cookies like I was supposed to! He climbed on the exercise wheel and didn't stop running until he died.

Dick: *continues sobbing*

Bruce: okay so first of all.

Bruce: I'm not a priest.

Bruce: And second of all. Animals don't commit suicide.

Dick: Mari did!

Bruce: You named your male hamster after your mother...?

Dick: NOT THE POINT, BRUCE!

Dick: but yes.

Bruce, sighing: There's so much to unpack here I don't know where to start.

Dick: I killed him, Bruce. I should have died along with him!

Bruce:...

Bruce: It's possible that you've associated your hamster's death with the trauma of your parents' death, possibly because of shared names, and you've displaced your survivor's guilt from the first onto the second.

Dick:...

Dick: So what should I do.

Bruce: In my experience, the best way to deal with survivor's guilt is to save as many people as you can, possibly people in the same situation as the loved ones you have lost, hoping that the heroic nature of your deeds lets you sleep at night.

Dick: And what if that doesn't work?

Bruce: Then you drink. Get shitfaced drunk every time you feel a pang. Or you can pray to a nonexistent god and an uncaring universe.

Dick:...

Dick: If I come over, will you break out the good whiskey.

Bruce: I thought you'd never ask.

[nagitosstolenhand]

[everwalldigan]

You know what would be really funny. If Jason had the most normal/conventional food taste out of his siblings (still very far from regular people’s “normal”), he’s stuck in the manor because of an injury and therefore has to witness the culinary WAR CRIMES his siblings consume for sustenance. Since there’s no Alfred to stop them anymore, they have been running rampant.

Jason: What. The fuck. Is that.

Damian, pouring out a green sludge into two cups: father and I’s breakfast smoothie, or did you hit your head hard enough to forget the concept of a smoothie?

Jason, scooting his chair away clutching his water bottle to his chest: yeah I dont know what nuclear reactive, Gotham harbour concoction you so flagrantly bestow the title of “smoothie” on but keep that shit FAR away from me

Tim: *sits down next to Jason, cracks open a can of energy drink and pours it into a glass, pouring milk on top until it reaches the brim*

Jason, with tears in his eyes looking at Dick for help:

Dick: *shrugs, shoving a fistful of dry cheerios into his mouth*

Jason: *turns his horrified gaze to Cass*

Cass: *grins at him toothily with two heaping plates of a full English breakfast sitting in front of her. He has no idea where she got it from. She is using a set of utensils for each plate.*

Jason: *stands up calmly* maybe I should stop looking for the unstable bomb I lost in the manor the other week *walks out of the kitchen, a few moments later a shrill scream is heard*

[magicpiano]

Danny, poor, down on his luck, on the run and in desperate need of funds: I bet I know more about that Lazarus water than you.

Tim: Ridiculous we have spent years trying to study it.

Danny: I bet you 10 thousand dollars.

Tim: You don't have that much money.

Danny: No, but you do, and I am sure I am right. Deal?

Tim: Sure, but don't worry I am nice enough to not actually make you pay.

Danny: * Gives a detailed, scientific break down of Lazarus water and how it functions *

Tim:

Danny: I don't accept checks. Cash only.

[fanaticalthings]

While I do find it funny that henchmen in Gotham probably warn each other about the Red Hood because he's a bat who will actually kill you. I think it would be better if Jason was actually seen as some sort of savior or idol to like 90% of the goons scattered around Gotham. Doesn't matter who they work for, they all know Jason, former crime-lord that took over majority of Gotham's underground in one night.

---

Jason, years after the events of UTRH, now fighting crime alongside the batfam, except every goon he runs into immediately recognizes him, stops fighting, and starts begging.

the first time it happens, Jason assumes they're begging for their lives only to hear them begging for him to return to the crime lord business so they can work for him and not Gotham's current money-stingy, abusive rogues (Black Mask lol)

---

Jason showing up to patrol as backup for Dick in an overrun warehouse full of Two-Face's henchmen and as Jason's about to interfere, one of the men stops dead in their tracks and stares really hard at Jason until:

Goon: Oh my God, boss, is that you?

Jason, pulling out his guns, about to shoot:

Goon: Mr. Hood, sir???

Jason, halfway about to pull the trigger: Wait a min–Jeremy? Oh wow, it's been ages! How's the wife?

Goon (Jeremy): Oh my God it IS you, holy shit where have you BEEN? Me and the guys miss you, man!

Dick, with a knife at his throat: What is happening right now

Jason: Ahh, well, crime-lording just wasn't fitting in on the daily schedule. Tryna turn over a new leaf and all that

Goon (Jeremy): Aw, that's disappointing. We really liked working for you, right guys?

[Chorus of enthusiastic "YEAHS" from the rest of the henchmen (even the one holding Dick at knifepoint)]

Goon (Jeremy): Well, anyways, I can't beat you up knowing you're my old boss! You gave us the best health benefits! We'll just let you take the evidence and leave.

Jason: Aw, thanks guys :)

---

And that's why 95% percent of Jason's missions in Gotham end in success. Not because he's willing to kill people or because rogues are terrified of him, but because 90% of the rogues' henchmen once worked for Jason and fuckin love him lol.

[morganaconda]

[anomalouscorpse]

Damian, holding a python: Guys I impulsively bought a snake. What do I name him?

Tim: You did WHAT—

Jason: William Snakespeare.

[moonyswarmsweaters]

James: Hey baby, I think my mum mixed up our owl packages . Look.

James: *holds up note*

Note #1: "I love you so much <3”

Regulus: Oh, that explains this.

Regulus: *holds up second note*

Note #2: "Please be good. For the love of Merlin, don’t get into trouble"

[yjcorefourenjoyer]

*Jason walks into the living room to see Tim flopped on the couch sniffing*

Jason: “Oh. my. gosh. What could you possibly be crying about now?”

Tim *looks up and sniffles*: “I miss the supercycle… you know, my beloved sentient vehicle who used to fly me and young justice around… ”

Jason:

“THE WHO-”