aishitara

[aishitara]

[aishitara]

version of spn where dean is openly bisexual the entire time and definitely fucks a priest during a job and sam is does his judgmental little "dude" and dean is like "i already went to hell once man,, what's the worst that could happen" and everytime there's a new bad guy or apocalypse sam is like "this is bc you fucked a priest" and eventually he says it in front of Cas who does his little squint and head tilt and just

"You what?"

[aishitara]

watching season 4 again. when cas says "you don't think you deserve to be saved" it's not with judgment or with any sort of sneer to it. he's genuinely shocked. confused. the righteous man doesn't think he deserves this? doesn't deserve heaven saving him? i would bet MONEY on a prophesy or two saying a lot of very touted things about who the righteous man will be, how he will act, the things he'll say

but dean is the opposite of all this. starting with that one little realization of - oh. he genuinely doesn't think he deserves this. what else is incorrect about what cas has been told? i submit that this is the first time cas (since whatever reboot he'd had however much time ago) had doubt begin to gnaw at that little crack in his chassis of "wait what else was heaven wrong about"

[aishitara]

I thought y'all might like to see Niagara Falls lit up for Pride.

Hope you had a good one!

[aishitara]

it was a bit of a letdown… the rebar business. dean deserves a reboot. and so do i.

[aishitara]

chapter 15 of The Risk is Drowning is now up! be warned, it's a longer chapter at almost 13K, so make sure you settle in with a snack! 😘

get ready, friends!

@jemariel and i are comin' atcha with a brand-spakin'-new destiel AU fic! dropping just... as soon... as i can... finishing... tweaking... the author's note... 😂

[aishitara]

Wait who said that Dean likes to orchestrate Cas getting laid because it would basically be him getting to fuck Cas by proxy? I've been thinking about that ever since I read it, it's like: here's my devastatingly handsome friend you should take him home and take off his trenchcoat real slow and let his stubble burn your thighs and feel the strength in those hands and did you know he doesn't sweat under any circumstances? Do you think you can put a crack in his unflappable angel facade? Do you think you can make him cum? Actually can I watch?

[aishitara]

the thing about cockles is of course if one is going to interpret the funniest option remains that jensen ackles (texan, former cheerleader and male model, dad said straws are too gay, probably made some queer teenagers cry circa 2010’s superantural conventions)

was on set when some freak guy rocked up (democrat, former white house intern, gen x version of a van life kid, renewed vows in drag, carefully crafted image of sexually adventurous ambiguous #ally)

and immediately responded to Acting Choices by trying to out butch him and the new england liberal is here to stay. so now bloggers are posting close up gifs of the texan’s pupil dilation while staring at dmitri’s lips and analyzing on stage boners. all the while the temporarily bi wife energy guy is experiencing workplace homophobia including jensen ackles gay lisping him and 14 year old girls are declaring that his performance has cemented that his character - who ushered in the birth of omegaverse - wants to fuck men for real.

with of course the culmination being that misha collins has to formally come out as straight and as long as jensen ackles stays in schrödinger’s straight box jury’s out. maybe if he had kneed misha collins in the nuts as his choice of strange and offputting homosocial ritual like jared padalecki rather than being straddled on stage.

[aishitara]

ooo, look at me go, here's chapter 13, as well!

can't wait to hear what you hooligans think of this one. 😘

get ready, friends!

@jemariel and i are comin' atcha with a brand-spakin'-new destiel AU fic! dropping just... as soon... as i can... finishing... tweaking... the author's note... 😂

[aishitara]

my lil 15x20 coda comic!!!! heres how onion field cas can still win <3

[aishitara]

No transphobes allowed, only transborbs.

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[aishitara]

Matching actions by loving husbands.

[aishitara]

I do love the first "shop-talk" scene in 4x02:

and not just because it effortlessly, primally occurs in THE KITCHEN MY SPECIAL INTEREST (and it's a late-night kitchen-talk at that... how intimate!) There's just... so much more to this scene that I want to ramble about!

First, there's something so adorably "big brother" about Dean taking the floor while Sam gets the couch:

But in terms of symbols...

In this dreamscape, the living room represents a known place. It’s a familiar territory, a space shaped by childhood and the daily rhythms of a little brother Dean knows like his own heartbeat.

In this shot with Sam, we see "an open window" and the clearly lit figure of the kid Dean grew up with—(well raised, really).

Here, Dean knows the rules. He knows how to move, how to deflect, how to care. He knows his mission. His role. His scripted lines.

BUT

Here, the kitchen is different. Murkier. It’s not representing the known rhythms of childhood. It's an emerging, liminal, domestic space.

The windows are flanked by shutters, filtering the light. There’s no clear view to be had... only silhouettes and suggestion. (This is the space of adulthood. Of individuation. Rawness, fear, and confusion abound!)

Unlike their first meeting, Cas doesn’t burst in with wings and thunder. He stands still. Quiet. Mysterious. Secretive? A stranger, yes—but one who already sees Dean in ways that unsettle him.

And ofc, this isn’t just a conversation. It’s a visitation—a mythic moment that happens while Dean is vulnerably caught between states: sleep and waking, safety and fear, childhood and transformation.

Cas is imposing, a low-level threat presence, but he waits for Dean to approach.

Aaaaaaaaaand

CAS: Excellent job with the witnesses.

Cas opens with shop talk. It’s clinical. Detached. The tone is 10000% at odds with the intimate motif of the dark kitchen. We've somehow launched straight into the "We raised you out of Hell for work," vibes, like Dean is a mission parameter, not a person.

But it’s not cruelty—it’s just his angelic default. It’s how Cas knows how to speak. Orders. Objectives.

War room briefings.

And Dean seems… strangely betrayed by this.

Not because Cas has done something obviously cruel, but because of what’s missing—human warmth, care, acknowledgment. (You were hip to all this? You did nothing? You?)

Dean is offended, even affronted—but beneath that, he’s clearly craving some kind of warmth.

Who knows why he expects it?

And then—Cas fidgets. Just barely. A shift. A pause.

There's this little "uh" that slips out in his answer. It's such a small thing, but in context, it's HUGE. Dean asked something direct—accusatory, maybe even vulnerable—and Cas can't seem to give a clean answer:

CAS: I was, uh, made aware.

Dean reacts bigly.

What’s endlessly fascinating about this moment to me is that his sense of betrayal seems soooo genuinely emotional. His pivot to sarcasm—"Well, thanks a lot for the angelic assistance"—quickly escalates into something almost childlike: "I almost got my heart ripped out of my chest!"

First, the line reads like an appeal: "Don’t you care that I was in danger? *I* was in danger!" It reads like he's low-key fishing for a reaction, testing whether Cas felt any way about that fact.

Second, his body language zeroes in on his own chest—his heart. He gestures forcefully, repeatedly. It’s not just verbal—it’s visceral, almost like his body is trying to say what his words can’t: Don't you care? Don’t you feel? I'm hurt. Worry about me!!!!

And Cas?

Cas answers with a flat, "But you didn't."

It’s even. Unbothered. It lands like a brush-off, like he’s reducing Dean’s very real, very human fear to a statistical non-event.

You’re overreacting. That’s the subtext Dean picks up here.

Which of course causes Dean to get even more huffy:

DEAN: "I thought angels were supposed to be guardians—fluffy wings, halos—you know, Michael Landon. Not dicks."

And well. It's another appeal, really. Dean's saying, "I thought you were supposed to protect us. Protect me."

But also it's so funny because Dean is low-key insulting him. He's of course testing Cas—feeling him out, trying to see if Cas even CARES, but it's so hilarious, too. They're already sniping!

Cas remains stubbornly even. Stoic. Hard.

CAS: "Read the bible. I'm a soldier."

(It reads like: "So what if I AM a dick, Dean? What then? Beware. I'm cruel. I'm warning you. THIS is what I am.")

But I love how Dean remains obstinate nevertheless. ("Yeah? A soldier, huh? Why didn’t you fight?") And Cas doesn't give. ("I’m not here to perch on your shoulder.")

Their attitudes clash, beat for fucking beat!!!! Cas sways forward aggressively, squaring up like he's starting to get a bit ruffled by Dean’s testing: "We had larger concerns."

Excuses, excuses.

It spirals further as Dean starts mining for more—emotional—information. "Concerns? There were people getting torn to shreds down here!”

Again, he's in a coded way feeling out if Cas cares about PEOPLE: "Don't you care?"

(Don't you care don't you care don't you CARE?)

Because here's the kicker: There’s something about Cas that makes Dean suspect he does.

Maybe it’s the way Cas holds himself. Or when he chooses to look away—shame, maybe?—or maybe just how Cas settles his breathing when challenged. (Cas stiffens and digests things in ways that read like guilt.)

Whatever it is, Dean picks up on those small signs and it TOTALLY emboldens him to keep hurling his emotions at him!

The conversation goes even deeper after that, lurching into dangerous territory for both, territory about values and Faith.

DEAN: “And by the way, while all this is going on, where the hell is your boss, huh? If there is a God? ... I’m not convinced. Because if there is a God, what the hell is he waiting for, huh?”

And throughout this entire exchange, Cas’s doubts are visible in his body language.

Frankly, I think that’s what gives Dean the courage to push so hard. It’s like he sees through the armor, maybe thinking to himself: "Jeez, maybe this angel doubts all this bullshit, too."

Unfortunately for Dean, when Dean breaks, he breaks wide open.

DEAN: "What the hell is he waiting for, huh? Genocide? Monsters roaming the earth?" This is very raw. "The freaking apocalypse? At what point does he lift a damn finger? And help the poor bastards that are stuck down here?"

For some reason—some maddening, magnetic reason, whether it’s the nonverbal cues or recently dying and going to Hell or whatever—it just cracks Dean apart. Even as he’s trying to get Cas to break, to flinch, to feel, it’s Dean who’s unraveling.

Of course it’s also: At what point do YOU lift a finger? Why didn’t you help ME? I almost died. Other people DID. That’s the real question pulsing underneath Dean’s rant. He’s not just condemning Heaven. He’s confronting Cas the individual as much as his own crisis of faith and disappointment.

And Cas... Cas breaks eye contact. He has to.

Not arguing. Just… withdrawing. Retreating into formality. He defaults to a scripted line... doctrine:

At that—Dean explodes.

Why won’t Cas meet him halfway? They’re not on the same emotional wavelength at all. Dean is so frustrated!

And yet, with Dean's "So help me, I will kick your ass!" comes a turning point. Cas literally throws up his hands, and it’s beautiful because it also shows a yielding.

It's a small, rare sign that Cas is finally letting Dean’s truth reach him.

An "Okay, fine."

Dean breathes a beautiful little sigh of relief at that yielding. His shoulders relax. It felt good to get all that out.

Like maybe he feels like—oh my God, hey—maybe they actually got somewhere. Maybe now they can finally really talk.ey can finally really talk. His shoulders relax. It felt good to get all that out...

But then!

Then, adorably, Dean’s eyes dart around in a panic.

Because Dean’s brave to a fault—but even he’s thinking, WHAT THE FUUUUUCK AM I DOING? WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST SAY????

When Dean peeks at Cas again, it’s different.

The air between them has cleared a little bit. There’s a new kind of honesty between them now: raw, foundational, and open.

Dean feels it, and he tentatively broaches that new space. (Because Cas yields—softening just a bit, nonverbally—Dean feels comfortable enough to try.)

So he moves a little closer to Cas, mirrors his body language, and speaks to him like a fellow soldier...

This shoptalk too is yet another coded appeal. It's a: "Please talk to me. Tell me something."

Cas shifts uneasily, throwing out another clipped company line: "big things afoot."

But then!!!!

Then Cas decides to tell him... what he can.

"But you need to know," is code for, "I'll tell you what I can." It functions as a bit of rationalized logic. You NEED to know, so it's okay if I tell you.

And so, they fall easily into what will become their infamous rhythm. As Dean moves forward to tentatively join Cas by the sink, Cas can’t help but lean in just a little—another subtle fidget.

They're swaying into each other's space.

As they inch closer, testing one another, the light from the blinds slices across their faces, casting all these sharp lines and shadows.

And as they test each other and throw their frustrations and emotions at one another, they see each other a little more clearly.

[aishitara]

Thinking about Cas fighting 10 years through hell while his brothers and sisters fell around him to save the Righteous Man, thinking about Cas rebuilding Dean atom by atom, seeing the scars of a hard life and using his soldier's hands to heal, the absolute power of heaven to cure one man's bad knee, thinking about Cas singing so loud to angels and the world alike "Dean Winchester is saved" that it was heard even by an angel who had fallen from grace and didn't remember heaven, thinking about Cas trying to say hello to Dean Winchester in his native tongue because after touching his soul he thought Dean may be of the very few humans who could understand him, thinking about the shape of Cas's hand on Dean's shoulder, fingers wide and bold and digging deep enough to leave an impression his new body carried through to resurrection, thinking about how good things do happen, about how from the moment Castiel, Angel of Thursday, met Dean Winchester the narrative was fundamentally changed

[aishitara]

[aishitara]

and on the table they put a little photo of cas and dean kissing too.

[aishitara]

I’m absolutely loving your fic updates, especially with the way you characterized Dean and Benny’s relationship (who I’m hoping to see a lil more of, ngl). Updates give me something to look forward to, so thank you for sharing your story with us ❤️

aww, ty, this is so wonderful to hear!! 🥰 we are so happy to have you along for the ride. ❤️