algolithium - Tumblr blog

algolithium · 4 months ago

Text

Venting on my doomed toxic yuri life event that's still destroying me up to now and the wench who did it to me must be recovering nicely surrounded with friends (and MY friends) who think i'm the asshole because I decided to isolate myself. I actually hope someone reads this, and I hope I get to speak about this truth to someone I trust because there's no way that I can explain myself in a conversation.

Also, nice toxic yuri plotline idea ahead for anyone interested

2025, 05 15

While archiving my digital journal entries, I tried to implement a tagging system. I don't know why I even feel the urge to organize my journal entries, I'm sure that they'll be forgotten as soon as I die. I mean, as I speak, I'm already good as dead to everyone that I know.

But. I notice a few recurring things in my journal entries, from grade school, to middle school, to junior high school, up until senior high school.

I constantly felt like I didn't belong, and there's a pervasive feeling of being alone

I had a bunch of recurring 'people' written as characters in some sort of alternate reality that I wrote.

I habitually write alternate realities of my life. Like I had a space inside my head where I could have tea with other people.

Needless to say I actually think I'm plural, and I cannot, for the life of me, figure out when it started and how

Whenever I had bouts of isolation, I end up retreating in this alternate reality. I talk to these 'people' in my head as if they were my companion, and they know me well.

Social isolation and withdrawal aren't new to me, and having the 'people in my head' talk louder over the silence makes it a little easy to cope up with. I don't even resist this kind of tragedy anymore because it seems like it's the only plausible outcome each time I try to make friends.

The difference however now is that I am no longer going to return to society. Back then I was constantly plucked out of this rich internal fantastic world out of necessity (schooling), but now that I am working remotely, the situation reinforces the dependence on this alternate reality that I live in. Because, I am severely isolated, save for my family since I haven't moved out due to high costing and my dependence for them to get tasks at home done.

The other crucial difference now is that I isolated abruptly with an actual reason. I was hurt and tired of masking and having to double take every single statement from a special someone. Only now did I realize how subtly manipulative she was. And it's painful because I treated her well, which made her fall in love, or perhaps be so irredeemably obsessed with the idea of me that each time she sees a part of me she doesn't like, she'd saw it off.

The first time she asked me if I wanted to be in a romantic relationship with her, I didn't say yes. I said, we should wait for a time when we are independent and free--AND SHE DIDN'T TAKE THAT AS AN ANSWER. Right from the goddamn start, she already demonstrated a great deal of troublesome behavior. I didn't realize this, so I just said yes after she responded negatively about my subtle 'no'. It seems to me that she was impatient and in retrospect she must have wanted me to be in a romantic relationship with her, to tie me down to her in all the ways that she wanted. A sex toy, a shock absorber, someone to project on, someone who can't say no.

After she trapped me in a romantic relationship, she reduced my identity to nothing but sexuality and would become upset whenever I demonstrate other facets of my personality.

She'd never ask for anything directly, instead she'd taunt me to do it, or phrase it as if it was my disposition. "You might send nudes", "might make me wet". Perhaps so she could deflect arguments easily because she never asked for it, yet she explicitly says these things around me. And my naive ass easily did everything for her pleasure. Even if it didn't sit right with me anymore.

She knew I wasn't mentally okay, she knew I self harmed, and I hid those scars under my shirt and I discouraged her upon seeing me bare, but she said she'd give more hickeys than there are self mutilation scars on my belly.

She lied to me about her past relationships as she was attempting to prime me into liking her, by saying things like "I've never felt these things before, only with you" or "people think I'm asexual"

She would say all the men I talk to are questionable, that my boundaries are weak, that I need to know when men flirt, that I should get away from them. Little did I know that this behavior was what led me to be isolated--because all my friends are men, unsurprisingly, because of the nature of the industry that we work in.

Before she even ensnared me into a romantic relationship, she took my silences personally, thinking that she should give up on me instead when I merely went silent because I cannot tolerate constant interaction with people. I get burnt out socializing (not with just her, but everyone), even through chats and I need a minimum of a month to recover, and she gets upset at that.

She made fun of my 'multiple personalities' and told me that I must have a cold personality too. She thought I was joking about having multiple voices inside my head when the truth is that this had been an ongoing phenomenon with me, as it is evident in my older journal entries.

Eventually she couldn't take my silences, and I couldn't take her either which made my burnouts more frequent and difficult to recover from. And so she said, do i want to break up? I said yes, with no question. Who am I to say anything if I was the 'cold' one out of the equation?

When we broke up, she made a 'only friends' boundary and have me maintain it for her. She actually crossed the boundary first and when I subtly tried to enforce it by turning her off with disgusting topics, she got so pissed after realizing that I was steering her away from getting horned out by my mere presence.

And I stopped talking to her, just to find out that she's interrogating my other friend about my feelings for her. I am not comfortable with two people talking about me like that, especially when after that breakup I felt nothing for her. No rage, nothing. And she consistently think everything I do was about her. A profile picture with a gun? She thinks I'm mad at her, when I had other things going on with my life.

Regrettably so I have to keep talking to her because. college.

While catching up she shared an anecdote about a guy who only said yes to girl proposing to be in a romantic relationship because the girl liked her. She talked ill of the guy's decision. I didn't react. The story, made up or not, it seemed like a way for her to ridicule me without directly addressing how we ended up in a romantic relationship before. But then again. Didn't she fucking not take no for an answer?

So we catch up, and she finds out the men I talk to, and she's mad at men who kept sexualizing me, and yet then she does the same, moments after. She says sorry right after doing it, displaying a form of self awareness, but she keeps doing it anyway.

one time during a night we shared a bed, she dragged me to straddle her. No words spoken. Just her needs that need to be met which required me to, metaphorically, chop my toes off to fit the role she needed me to fit into. She wanted me to fuck her, without saying it, without doing anything, while just taunting me.

The 'friends only' border has been successfully breached. Both of us equally ran this border over and over until it was meaningless. Our conversations are overran with hormonal rage-- from her, and from me. More importantly me. I enabled her.

And back we go into a relationship with her. She questioned me about why I agreed to the breakup--I think she wanted me to resist that. The way she phrased it, like "I was only suggesting, and you said yes," as if all of it is all my fault again. And the best part is she questioned, 'are you still aro?'

I said yes. I said my aromanticism comes from the fact that I don't see the necessity of romance, or its distinction or perceived greater importance from platonic relationships. She policed my identity and attempted to search up in google the distinction. She attempted to correct my lived experience by googling 'romance vs friends', and lectured onto me about how romance is exclusive and special. That entire conversation made me sick.

The moment we went back into a romantic relationship she again ended up throwing passive aggression about my varied sex drive, wanting nothing but sex, hating whenever i wasn't up to it, kept questioning my low energy, and guess what? I got fucking tired.

And no, none of these friends, not even her, would reach out until I did troubling things. Deleting all servers, cutting down all convos, posting troubling statuses. It took them a week to realize that I wasn't okay.

Finally, she sent a long, performative-sounding apology message. One thing that was obvious was that she could never get herself to say sorry for the sake of saying it. She had to say 'sorry, but--'. I blacked out reading her message, not for the grammatical inconsistencies, but for how the FUCK it centered on what she felt instead of being fucking sensitive enough NOT to imply that I was a depressing person if I wasn't appeasing her unmet needs. Basically, her message said, "hey did you know that we take you seriously, that's why we forcibly contacted your sister because we can't contact you? You're my favorite person please come back. I'm sorry for pushing so many activities without asking how you feel about it. I just wanted to do something fun again. My lines are always open".

unbe-fucking-lievable.

I ended it all with a brief message, saying, "i am tired of pretending when i obviously dont belong, you can all live without me, and i don't want to talk to anyone again." That concise, albeit stern farewell message, in lieu of this entire fucking wall of text that I post on tumblr instead because I still don't want to burden with her the hell she had introduced to me herself.

I cannot fucking believe how my friendship with her turned into an aromantic nightmare. I was kind to her--amid the social burnouts that I had for weeks to months, I never did her wrong because I loved her in a way that she didn't perceive as love. I wanted to do right by her because I never had a goddamned friend for my entire life. I didn't want anything in return but to be remembered as a good, solid, reliable friend. I didn't want my kindness to be misread as romantic intent. My fault I guess, since I had awful boundaries. Perhaps I took it too far when I let her explore sexuality safely by pretending to be her favorite fictional character. Else, I meant what I told her prior to us dating. I meant that I would swap with this fictional character so that she'd live happily ever after with him. Because I do not fucking see her that way.

Prior to the dating, she knew a lot. She knew I rejected someone before after I said that I was mentally unstable, which is, to some extent, true. I said I was straight and only pretended to be masculine to dodge the male gaze in our college--in which she reacted by serenading my with i kinda wish you were gay. Romantic at first sight, fucking passive-aggressive at a double take. And most of all, I said I wasn't interested due to secondhand trauma, and more importantly, I am aromantic. She knew ALL of those. Why the fuck she pushed through with me, I don't know, but I would go back in time to beat myself up about the huge mistake that I have done, which was to show her a semblance of warmth and kindness.

And so that concludes the reason why I have isolated. Her, the shame of what I've gone through, and losing all my friends because I know that they'd take her side because everyone fucking loves her. And all those friends I had? They only befriended me because I was close to her.

And that's why this isolation feels necessary to me, but also it was caused by the most massive kind of interpersonal dilemma that I've been through. I have never told anyone else about this save for one friend whom I assumed was neutral, though when I told him that , my narrative centered around demonizing myself instead of recognizing that my entire relationship with this woman was a drawn out coercive and abusive one. I can't tell my family that either, even if they're the last line of social circle that I have remaining. Besides, my sister thinks I'm a lesbian just because I was transmasculine at some point. And she thought I was 'gatekeeping' her when I carefully wingmanned my friends to her, and stepped in whenever she was uncomfortable. I WAS BEING PROTECTIVE. She tried to do the same to me but it just came off as "ugh block that guy" and blamed me for talking to them in the first place.

Needless to say, my coping mechanisms that were brought fourth from my recurring isolation from childhood had returned, but much stronger this time. I had been isolated from all my social circles for 6 months already and it is no surprise that my 'people' in my 'headspace', who i will call headmates for brevity, are now filling the void caused by the inevitable isolation.

Despite the alternate reality which has become a staple coping mechanism that doesn't involve self mutilation, I think this is the lowest that I have gone (I mean, come on, this comes off as coercion and abuse). This kind of isolation has happened before, surely, in different times during my life. But now I don't see myself coming back to society because the people outside of my family who I thought would care about me would demonstrate to me the same kind of kindness that I've seen them do for other people in my friend circle. I think I must have overestimated my value to them as no one has ever came up my door asking me how I am.

Not fitting in already was not good and I know the implications of being 'alone'. But to meet someone like her, who would make that more apparent is a kind of torment on its own level.

God damn it's May 15. Happpy birthday to my youngest headmate, Shiron, aka "Amethyst". As he would say,

Memory is my only weapon, thus I need to keep it sharp.

If you made it this far congrats this story is free real estate for any aspiring toxic yuri writer. All of these events are real but I don't mind if someone 'copied the code' and 'changed the variables'. By all means this kind of slow drawn out trauma needs to be shown to the world. And I hope she's fucking guilty. May she live a good life, but I also hope she fucking carries this guilt, if she's aware enough to know how awful she is.

#lore

5 notes · View notes