artemisesbitch

[artemisesbitch]

Rolling down a grassy hill is so aesthetic and freeing until you remember you're allergic to life and therefore grass and will now suffer an eternity of itchiness and absolute agony

[artemisesbitch]

Me after reading the most explicit, smut filled, filthy, 21+, god deserting ao3 fic in existence: Awwww how cute 🥰

[artemisesbitch]

No one signs up for tragedy

[artemisesbitch]

Soulmate au where your mark isn't a matching shape or anything, its just somehow connected to your soulmate and James goes his whole life getting compliments on the little black stars he has dotted over his body without knowing what they could possibly mean or how it's supposed to help him find his soulmate

He makes jokes about Sirius being his platonic soulmate for years but essentially decides that he'll let fate lead him to his soulmate when the time is right

So imagine his shock when part way through his 7th year at school, he's getting changed in the quidditch changing rooms and regulus black walks out of the shower with two huge black antlers on his back

And he just KNOWS

Should I write it? I probably will anyway but who knows if I'll post it

[artemisesbitch]

To be a duck doing happy taps in a muddy puddle

[artemisesbitch]

Why are giraffes not native to an environment with waterfalls. That's just crule.

[artemisesbitch]

YOU CAN GET sent to the psych ward for thoughts about hurting OTHERS!!?? Not just yourself!!!???

[artemisesbitch]

How in fucks name did I get BACK ONTO ONCLER TIKTOK

[artemisesbitch]

*hand stoking his thigh*

"You know your legs feel so....mine!"

*pulls out an axe* (ﾉ☉ ͜ ʖ ☉)ﾉ🦵

[artemisesbitch]

Contrary to popular belief I frequently participate in strenuous activity.

Crying is my favourite competitive sport

[artemisesbitch]

He's gaslighting me and I'm just letting it happen because I'm a WHORE

[artemisesbitch]

Animals really do be crazy who the fuck knew rats could fit down a toilet drain

Not a day goes by when I don't think about flushed away

[artemisesbitch]

Is it an s or is it a 5?

good fucking luck trying to figure it out

[artemisesbitch]

Tips for visiting France (part 1)

1) when visiting museums it's considered rude if you do not participate in the national game called 'douleur au pied'. A game in which you must steal as many shoes from locals whatever means necessary, before throwing them in the ocean.

(Children, security guards and elderlys shoes all score you double points. However, you can throw the whole child in if it's quicker)

2) when dining out if you aren't fluent in french it's best to pretend you cannot speak at all and insist on communication through enthusiastic miming

(note this is also a good way for the locals to take note of your talents and once more enjoy the presence of tourists)

3) its custom to greet the elderly for their morning strolls with week old baguettes. You must try and hit every elderly person you see in the space of 10 minutes. The more people you hit, the more friends you'll make

( note Sundays are the preferred day for this custom, bonus points if you get them during Sunday sermon)

That concludes part one of tips for visiting France

[artemisesbitch]

Owen Wilson's lightning McQueen impression is so good

[artemisesbitch]

Illuminati confirmed, 8 is low but what is 8 on its side? an infinity sign. What does infinity have to do with humans? Nothing. What does it have to do with aliens. Everything.

Aliens live for Infinity they also replaced prince Phillip, Prince Phillip was who's husband? The Queen. The Queen is a product of inbreeding. Who else inbreeds? Ciel phantomhives family line. Who's Ciels Butler? Sebastian. What is Sebastian? A demon? The Illuminati hires demons. Who runs the illumaniti? America. What is America? Evil. What else is Evil? Satan.

Illuminati confirmed

[artemisesbitch]

Pop it pull it and twist it off says the small man with his hands on his brothers neck

Help us he's a war criminal :0