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This Problem

I'm no saint, and even though I lecture someone about something that is regarded as common sense or that is a real lesson that's supposed to make you a better person, everybody just thinks I'm a goody two shoes. Because I'm no saint, and humans are humans. That's just how things go.

But I'm not writing this "cool down" post to rant about the mundaneness of human behavior, rather because I really need to let off steam about this particular event.

It was actually near the beginning of the year, at March, if I remembered correctly. So my friends and I wanted to go to a concert of a band we all liked, and we were waiting for the tickets to be sold. We waited for more than a month. Finally, we received progress. The ticket prices were revealed, and the most expensive one (the "red") was for the space directly surrounding the stage. But of course, it was expensive, and my friends didn't want to go anymore. Other than the red tickets, the other tickets were "not worth it because we wouldn't be able to see the band clearly." The red zone was the closest to the stage and in the other zones, we wouldn't be able to see the band very clearly.

But I still wanted to go, so I tried to persuade them to rethink. Persuade? More like force, apparently. I was too desperate to go, really. And that came out as being too forceful on my friends. My reason: we all like that band, and this will be our first concert ever-- it was the perfect opportunity. But their reason stayed the same, and mine also remained. One of my friends, let's call her A, is a stubborn person. She's the kind of person you'll either befriend or be scared of and hate. She's my friend, of course, despite us being so different from each other. She's usually the one persuading someone to do something and speaks her mind all the time, so she's the one saying their reason over and over again. This made me more upset though because she looks okay and even smiling as she said their point.

My other friend, B, is more like me in personality. She's sensitive, and we know it (we know it, we know it, I had to say it three times because many people still say that we're sensitive over and over again even though we know). And she's someone who'll forgive but never forget something. Compared to A, she and I would be more easily persuaded, so I thought maybe I could at least convince her to go to the concert.

I tried a few times, but I stopped eventually because she's insistent too on not going. She wanted to save money for her trip to Japan next year; I couldn't do anything about that. So all three of us were sitting in the corridor of our school with our other friends, and I was talking to someone else when B got up and went into our class without saying a word. A wondered if she was mad, and I was confused because I stopped talking to B about the concert. A went to check on what's wrong and when she came back she said that B was mad at me for forcing her to go to the concert.

A and I eventually got B outside so we could talk things out. Whenever I say something though, she just said "no" and stayed quiet while looking away with a blank, angry look on her face. I got angrier the more "no's" she said, and more annoyed and more embarrassed that we were in such a position. We finally talked things through though it didn't end that well. I felt like crying at the end. Out of humiliation, anger, disbelief that we're in this position-- all of those reasons made me cry. Before I did, I got up from the bench we're sitting on and walked as fast as I could downstairs to the bathroom. I cried in the middle of walking, but luckily the halls were empty so nobody saw me cry. I locked myself in a stall, sat down on the toilet, and cried silently. Cowardly move, you're probably thinking. I always laughed when someone say I'm a coward. It's just funny, for some reason. How one calls another a coward over small things. It's just the truth.

Crying silently, cowardly or whatnot, the reality was I did cry. I cried for more than half an hour. Just stayed in that stall, staring at the door, wondering how did I got myself in this position, in this mess. Wondering if I made just too many mistakes to still be called a good friend-- a good person even. It was my fault afterall, isn't it...

After a while, I heard someone came in, and I realized it was B. She waited inside the bathroom for about five minutes, and then left. I heard my other friends outside too, and their voices were loud enough that I could hear them from the stall. I thought they'll go away soon enough, but apparently they stayed. I had to-- I wanted, needed to go home-- so I finally went out of the bathroom. They were sitting in a circle in the hall near the bathroom, just talking about something. We ended up talking like we usually do, and I apologized again to B, and she said sorry too. I remembered I told her a funny story too right after that. Like nothing happened... whenever I think about it, I feel like swearing.

When I got home, I sat down and thought again the same things I did while in the bathroom stall. Then I got a message from one of my friends, one of the people sitting outside of the bathroom. She said "sorry" and that "she shouldn't have talked with the others about that." So they had talked about B and I's problem outside of the bathroom. I asked her what they said and she said they told B to explain the problem to them all. She admitted that she said I wasn't supposed to force her, and then apologized for talking about me behind my back with the others. I forgave her, of course. Nobody else ever apologized for something like that.

B and I's relationship are fine now. In fact, I think it's okay to say that we're best friends. It's just that I can't help it but think... B and I's problem wasn't their business, but they wanted to know anyway and even said that I was forceful and stuff. They didn't bother to ask me for my point of view. They didn't mind about intervening and taking sides. It bothers me a lot, and I can't help but think if we got into a fight again and this fight permanently ruined B and I's relationship... all of them would trust and like B more and I'll be alone. It's a horrible, selfish, hypocritical thing to think. But what if that actually happens? Even now I feel the same even with no problem. Every time they see me and B, they never called me or looked at me and just call B first. Even when they ask a question to B and I answered because she didn't know, they still ask the same question again to B or just kept looking at her as they nod. I'm not saying I'm not wrong and that I'm a saint, but I'm still human, and I don't want to disappear.

I'm doing well nowadays, but I just had to get those problems out of my chest. It's the only way I could feel relieved about everything. I want there to be more happy days from now on, and I've actually come to a conclusion: those friends... well, if they like B more, that's fine. Because that's just how it is, and it's okay for me if they don't talk to me even after we graduate. Because I already have two best friends who I want to spend my life with and who I couldn't live without.

This problem gave me so much guilt and humiliation and to be honest, I never talked about my feelings to B or A or any of my other friends since that problem. I couldn't bring myself to. I don't trust them. But I hope that after writing this, I'll be able to accept everything and that I'll be able to be more open again to them. Afterall, they're my best friends, and they're more important than some stupid problem. We're high schoolers now, and so it's time to grow from our middle school selves.

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“The brightest flame casts the darkest shadow.” ― George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

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“Mourning was its own kind of music—the sound of so many hearts, of so many breaths, of so many standing together.”

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Dark Truth Quotes About Anxiety

1. “Anxiety: The feeling where you stay up at night, stare at your ceiling, ask yourself an infinite number of questions, then sit there and debate on whether or not you actually want to know the answer. The feeling where you wonder who truly cares about you and who is just using you; who is there for you and who is so desperately waiting for you to fail. The feeling where you feel like you’re not good enough; that you need to be this, this, and this to be successful and liked. You crave for the attention you know you can’t have. The feeling where you get frustrated because it’s physically impossible to be 100% happy. You want someone to vent to, but no on will understand you. The feeling where you question your value, your worth, your pride, yourself, everything… and you think. Over think. All night. All you’re left with, is you, yourself, and a very dark place.” By: Neal Houston

2. “Anxiety makes you sit there and overthink every single thing. At times it makes you think people in your life are leaving you. You begin to feel abandoned, and not worth anything because the most important person/people in your life don’t want you. So you push away for fear of being hurt. You push them away so they can’t discard you or leave you. When in reality, nobody was ever leaving. Anxiety this bad makes you leave the one you love. It sucks.” By: Unknown

For the rest of the quotes: Anxiety: These Dark Truth Quotes About Anxiety Are The Best Thing Since Kool-aid

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Fall is almost here and I cannot wait. So here’s a picture for all the people that love fall and books of course 

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Cozy place to read books 

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Reblog if you're a book blogger or just love reading

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Reblog if you're a book blogger or just love reading

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The urban jungle that never sleeps. Bright city lights masquerade as the stars above. A reflection of humanity. A testament to our hubris. 

There’s a comforting warmth to know that in the ruthless growth of society, you are nothing and yet the sky is within your reach.

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We love J-Hope 💜 If you love J-Hope, and think he deserves so much more than just a bunch of crappy, mean comments, repost and tag this post with #welovejhope

JUNG HOSEOK IS ART

please, reblog if you agree with this statement

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And foes bear arms to the Doors of Death

An oath to keep with a final breath. (x)

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The Marauders Era

Art (X)

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An amazing artwork from a collection of amazing artworks. Check them out~

crushes are harder than herbology