ashiqui - Tumblr blog

[ashiqui]

tbh in general there’s a lot of writing about depression which talks about recovery as a form of reclamation, like there’s this ur-personality that exists inside you that thru the power of kale/this $14.99 audiobook you’ll rediscover

I think for those of us who’ve suffered traumatic events or abuse in childhood, that can be pretty alienating bc there is no golden ‘before’ period to reclaim, but even more than that I dont think it’s apt for anyone with depression

if there is such a thing as genuine recovery, then that process by necessity renders you an entirely different person from who you were before, w a knowledge of sadness you didn’t have previously. nobody reclaims what they were before depression, if indeed there was a before

I think focusing on reclamation is a mistake and makes people feel like failures for not being some mythical version of themselves. the focus should be on building something new & syncretic, not fruitlessly attempting to wipe yourself clean of experiences that are fundamentally indelible

[ashiqui]

In the end, I’d do it all again. You’re my best friend.

unknown, coffeepeople on tumblr, ribs / lorde, mid90’s (2017), us against you / fredrik backman, war of the foxes / richard siken, radio silence / alice oseman, the morning star / anne carson, my friend / hayley williams

[ashiqui]

my mom tells me someone will fall in love with me one day but it's been ten years and i'm still alone

so what!  alone is a great way to be. I know secrets that spread only between me and the bees. i know the air like a lover. she and i once held each other at the foot of a canyon, only to swell back up again.

my mother begged me not to be gay. here we are, in the end. she made her way around. it all comes back again.

[ashiqui]

[ashiqui]

in internet posts it is easy to cut them out of your life. they are hurting you! they aren't listening to you!

they held your hair back. they lent you lipstick. they held your hand at the train station and got you home safe. they rounded on your bully, got loud, said get fucked, spitting-mad in your defense.

they also cut the hair off again. told you that you should really think twice before wearing something like that. took you for granted. took your insecurities and threw them in your face again.

you know logically it should be easy. all the internet advice comments always read it will feel better. like an equation - if a person is rotten, you just remove them. you pull the tooth that's hurting.

but it was never a big flare-up moment. you don't live in a sitcom. they never tried to take your boyfriend or steal from your apartment. they showed up to birthdays and they wrote songs about you and bring you water without you asking. once you found out they carry an emergency inhaler for you, even though you haven't had an asthma attack in years - just in case.

where is the line? people fuck up. sometimes they fuck up badly. sometimes people have raw personalities, like a powerline, and being around them is dangerous. addicting. sometimes they can't help themselves, but you know they're trying. sometimes they are just rough-around-the-edges. sometimes they don't even realize how they sounded when they said that. sometimes it's just - you've both loved each other for so long now, the way this thing hurts goes back to the root.

and that's the fucked up part. you have pushed your fingers against the sweetheart of memory. things these days are electric, tense, harrowing. they didn't used to be. there were a lot of good days in there. sometimes you want to just close your eyes and say can this be over yet? do we still need to be fighting?

doing that would give up any chance you get of getting an apology, but you don't always know that you need an apology, you love them. once they flaked on your birthday party. once they told you to get over it, people are always dying. they also let you crash on their couch for a week after the breakup, handfeeding you when you were so sad you couldn't eat. they are also judgmental about everything, occasionally react to banal statements with an attitude that is weird and fiery. they also love you like a lighthouse sometimes, so strong they cut the storm like lightning.

but the problem is that you might be storm. you might be the thing that needs breaking. what if you are two forces who are desperately, horribly drawn to each other, shaped by the other person's passions, and both good for each other and bad in equal measure.

what if you're both just people, and you're no saint neither.

just cut them off! swallowing the saltwater, you catch yourself in the mirror. you've been shaking more than usual. there's an ache in you that is oblique, loud, impossible to soothe. is this what it looks like? when life is "easier"?

your mouth will always have a hole, is the thing, if you remove the tooth.

[ashiqui]

rain photo study

[ashiqui]

humbled

[ashiqui]

the sadness will last forever.

richard siken, boot theory / little women (2019), dir. greta gerwig / lily king, writers & lovers / kate baer, and yet: poems / gracie abrams, block me out / tim kavanagh (x) / anne boyer, what resembles the grave but isn’t / molly brodak, a little middle of the night / phoebe bridgers, funeral / 9-1-1, 5x13 / ingmar bergman / james baldwin, giovanni’s room / the national, sorrow / house, 5x24 / fortesa latifi

[ashiqui]

Infinite in Both Directions

@sketiana // cells undergoing mitosis // neutron stars colliding // 'saturn', sleeping at last // voyager golden records // diagram of an atom // diagram of the solar system // 'a toast to the alchemists', laura giplin // neural stem cells // ciliated ventral epithelium // 'constellations', the oh hellos // jwst deep field // 'singularity', marie howe // heart of the phantom galaxy // 'zephyrus', the oh hellos // apoferritin // aerial view of a forest // a graph me and my project co-chair made to model angle over time of our payload // molybdenum and sulfur atoms // unknown // pillars of creation

[ashiqui]

i think love is when i put myself to bed even when im tired, and i carry myself up the stairs even though my knees ache. and i think love is when i buy myself a coffee when im broke, and i know that ill get myself back later. and i think love is letting myself love someone, even though i am so scared. love is a heavy thing that carries you as much as you carry it.

nothing to add to this you said it all..

[ashiqui]

traveling to see a long distance lover in a few months and we're both about 5'4.. its symmetry of the heart! its completing a matching set after 20 years! its fitting over each other like milkcrates! its our shadows lining up! its picking same-sized clothes to exchange so we can still hold each other after i go! im in love and its my scariest secret! i am in love!!!!!

anon this is..........i am..............oh my godddd 😭

[ashiqui]

'Rainbow pool' at Congaree National Park - result of decaying vegetation, especially cypress cones and needles, that release their natural oils

[ashiqui]

im so enamored with stories that portray love as something soft and kind because i do think that love at its core is an act of kindness. its part of the reason i prefer the idea of growing into love instead of falling in love because when i think of growing into love i think of a garden, like love is something to cultivate, to tend to daily, a steady progression of growth with some setbacks, a few dying leaves here and there, having to move to a bigger pot and a spot with more sunshine, but it’s still something that at the end of the month, or a year, or a decade, or a lifetime you can look at and see the product of your dedication, see exactly what it means to pour your heart into something. i just! love reading about kind love!

[ashiqui]

sergiu ciochină childhood home #51 (2023)

kofi

[ashiqui]

Michael Cunningham, "The Hours" // Anne Sexton, "The Touch" // Charles M. Schulz, Peanuts and Last Night I Dreamt That Somebody Loved Me—The Smiths // F. Scott Fitzgerald, Tender Is the Night // Kelsey Landsgaard, A Soft Wrongness // J. D. McClatchy, "THE DIALOGUE OF DESIRE AND GUILT" // Marina Tsvetaeva, from notes // Yves Olade, Belovéd

[ashiqui]

the sadness will last forever.

richard siken, boot theory / little women (2019), dir. greta gerwig / lily king, writers & lovers / kate baer, and yet: poems / gracie abrams, block me out / tim kavanagh (x) / anne boyer, what resembles the grave but isn’t / molly brodak, a little middle of the night / phoebe bridgers, funeral / 9-1-1, 5x13 / ingmar bergman / james baldwin, giovanni’s room / the national, sorrow / house, 5x24 / fortesa latifi

[ashiqui]

Flipping the narrative here i love small talk and i’m very good at it. I love saying “thank god we had that rain!” And “the construction downtown is CRAZY” it gives me a rush