askmamabrin

[askmamabrin]

Yesterday at 3:50pm, Bigender.net turned 10 years old. That’s when it went online. The first user joined on April 22 and we’ve built a community from there. 

I’ve had a lot of opportunities and growth as a result of being a part of this community and I could not be more grateful to have been a part of it for this long.

I’m incredibly proud of what it has become and I can’t wait to see what the next ten years will bring!

If any of you joined in the past, but haven’t visited in a while, or if you’ve never visited, please come stop by the forum and say hi!

[askmamabrin]

Ask Mama Brin live

Hey friends. I’m working from home today and stuck in front of my computer. I’m gonna turn on my stream while I do some stuff and I’d love to answer any questions you might have. 

Feel free to send me asks! http://www.twitch.tv/brinconvenient

[askmamabrin]

Do I like... need a gender? I don't feel like any of them fit. Even agender as a label feels... weird, somehow. I also don't like pronouns very much, I use they pronouns because out of he, she, it & they I dislike it the least (and I don't wanna go by neo-pronouns because I'm scared of idiots making fun of me) and because they're used when a gender is unknown, but I don't feel enthusiastic about using them most days, either. Ideally I'd like people to not use pronouns for me or gender me at all?

No, love, of course you don't need to put a label on your gender or lack of one.

A label is just a name we put on largely arbitrary categories. It's a shorthand way of communicating some idea. It also relies on both parties sharing the same understanding and/or definition of the label.

We both know what a table is, but the exact features of the table that pops into your mind are vastly different than the one that pops into my mind when we each hear the word table, but most people would recognize each of those thought-constructs as tables were they to see them side-by-side.

Likewise, with gender labels. What attributes, features, stereotypes and behaviors we each assign to a gender label can vary, but within a given cultural context, there's probably enough similarity or overlap that other people within that cultural context would recognize them as belonging to the same label.

If you don't see yourself within any of those categories, as belonging to any of the social classifications that your cultural context has assigned particular labels to, then that's ok. The most important label you have is your name, your self, your "me"-ness. If you feel you must have a gender label, then you're you-gendered.

Maybe agender doesn't feel right to you. That's ok. You can still recognize a lack of gender or gender identity within yourself without adopting that label. You can be non-gendered without being agender. There's no rules, here, kiddo.

All of that being said, we still live in a highly gendered society which is very uncomfortable with people who reject categorization or reject the limitations of the categories maintained in that society (see also: asexuality and aromanticism). People within this society will try to assign or assume a gender label for you anyway. That's their fucking problem and not yours. You know where you are situated relative to this system of gender we are awash in. You can explain it to people and what they do with it is their problem. All that matters is that they treat you the way you wish to be treated and call you what you wish to be called. They can think or feel whatever they want - all that matters in this case is what you think and feel about yourself.

But that won't stop people from trying to slot you into their personal gender system. I say this not to dissuade you from charting your own course, but to warn you that you will have to make space and reserve energy to deal with that as you interact with the culture you live in. It's exhausting, but knowing your authentic self is a worthwhile endeavor and warrants expending that energy.

I believe in you and I trust you to know yourself. Please let me know if I've answered your question or if you have more questions. Or if I'm just full of shit :p

Good luck, my darling!

[askmamabrin]

@ the people who think all nbs are teenagers

[askmamabrin]

Thank you for being a mom for those of us in need today. It means so much to know I will be in someone's heart as I fake my way through seeing my own family today.

Aww babe. I have been told that I give excellent hugs, so please feel the warmth and caring of a good hug as you struggle through physical spaces today.You are definitely in my heart today.

[askmamabrin]

I mean there's a very real possibility that your would-be girlfriend would never want you anywhere near her genitalia. And almost certainly would not want you to interact with them in any way that a guy's junk would be interacted with.

Presuming she's on hrt, her bottom business is not remotely likely to work like a cis guy's penis anyway. Most of us quickly lose the ability to get and/or maintain an erection at all, so most of what you're fearing probably isn't even an option.

As @geekandmisandry says, you should never feel obligated to preform any sex act you are not comfortable participating in. It sounds like you may have some misconceptions about what sex with a trans woman might be, BUT the ONLY person who can tell you what her expectations, desires, limits and boundaries are is her.

It's probably going to be uncomfortable for both of you, but when you think this relationship might be heading toward something that includes sex, you need to have this conversation, from a place of caring, vulnerability and patience, for both of you.

I wish you both a great deal of luck and continued success!

Questions of what is regarded as transphobia when it comes to genital preferences are common and fraught with a lot of sides and emotional reactions, all of which I am no expert on.

What I can tell you is this: never ever have sex if you don’t want to. Your comfort is not a point of negotiation.

If that level of intimacy is not something you feel comfortable with, then talk to her, see how she feels about it. Maybe she’ll be upset, because of course it could very well be a highly sensitive issue for her. But you two will need to talk if you are to both be comfortable.

Maybe she will be completely fine with it, maybe you two will have a physical intimacy that makes both of you feel comfortable.

All relationships rely on healthy communication and while openness and compromise is important, you also need to value your own feeling of comfort and consent.

[askmamabrin]

https://unicornbooty.com/arsonist-dallas-lgbtq-center-abounding-prosperity/

[askmamabrin]

Hey trans folks (especially you younger ones)! So Mother’s Day is here.

I know there are some of you who, like me, have lost their mothers because they have passed away. That’s a special kind of grief, especially if she passed before getting to meet the authentic you.

I know, too, that there are an awful lot of you who have lost your mothers because they have rejected you for being trans. Maybe it’s religious, maybe it’s ignorance, maybe it’s closed-mindedness, maybe it’s something else entirely or some combination of the above. That’s an altogether differently terrible kind of pain and I’m sorry you’re going through that.

So, my trans babies, I’m stepping up here, if you want me, I’ll be your mom today.

Mama Brin loves you, and sees you for the beautiful person you are. Mama Brin understands that your gender is not what was assumed for you and assigned to you at birth and I’m so very glad to know you in your proper and authentic gender.

There are cookies in the oven, milk in the fridge and you can have some as soon as your homework is done.

[askmamabrin]

Trump Tweeting about Military Trans Folks Sucks.

Kids, this sucks a whole lot. This one’s for you. Trump tweeted out some bullshit and it hits people hard. So I have a message for all of you young trans folks and newly-realized trans folks.

Trans Lifeline (877-565-8860)  http://www.translifeline.org Trevor Project (866-488-7386) http://www.thetrevorproject.org/

Transcript behind Keep Reading

Keep reading

[askmamabrin]

Hey nonny! This is the kind of thing I was talking about - these kids are sharing this aspect of their lives with their parents and they both appear to be benefitting.

Parents Supporting Their LGBT Kids During Pride Month.

[askmamabrin]

They/them has a long history in English (like going back to Chaucer, through Shakespeare and beyond) of being used to refer to a singular person, and nearly everyone uses it to refer to another person who isn’t present in the conversation of an unknown or unstated gender. 

Non-binary genders exist. That is, people can be genders other than man or woman, and many have attempted to create specifically gender-neutral pronoun sets for English dating back to the 1800s (thon/thons/thonself). They’ve met with some amounts of success, but, frankly, it is already reflexive for English speakers to use they and them when referring to another person without declaring their gender (your elementary school teacher probably tried to get you to drop that in favor of “he or she”/”him or her”/”his or hers” but such efforts often fail outside of formal writing), so many people, when rejecting whatever pronoun is usually associated with the gender they were assigned at birth, settle on they/them/theirs.

People that I have known who use they and them for themselves use plural forms of verbs (“They are” instead of “They is”), though I have encountered a few folks who use it with singular verbs. If you have questions about how a particular person wants you to conjugate verbs with their pronouns, ask. 

Honestly, there’s nothing really controversial about it, except for people who really want to use grammar to delegitimize, stigmatize or marginalize people and genders that don’t fit their narrow model. When reality disagrees with the model, too many people try to adjust reality instead of adjust the model. Not the best approach. At the end of the day people > grammar. And pedantry never trumps interpersonal convention.

According to Grammar Girl, even the AP Stlyebook and Chicago Manual of Style allow They/Them pronouns in their writing styles (I’m going to have to get a new AP Stylebook.

Back at the end of 2015, Bill Walsh admitted the singular they into the Washington Post style guide, and the attendees at the American Dialect Society annual meeting voted to make the singular they the word of the year.

Now both the AP Stylebook and the Chicago Manual of Style have updated their style guides to be more accepting of they as a gender neutral singular pronoun. But this is still an active area of language change, and the two style guides still disagree about how much they accept the singular they.

I hope that answers whatever questions you might have had about it. If I was way off the mark about what you were actually asking about, please let me know.

Can someone educate me on the Them/They Pronoun, Like Serously.

[askmamabrin]

Hey momma Brin. Soooo pride is coming up, and for my city it's on Father's Day. So I asked my dad if I had to stay home or if I could go to pride. I thought it was going well until I said I wanted to "go do queer stuff". And.... he got all offended, like he said "I can't believe you would ask me that". I think it was just the way I asked but it still hurt. I'm his kid. I'm queer, and prefer that term, so it hurt for him to act like I had just asked to go do something awful...

Long response ahead, as per usual. And it looks like I’m getting it in under the wire, too. Sorry it took so long. 

So, ok. I hear this. Now … I don’t know the relationship between you and your dad, and I don’t know if you have siblings, or if it’s just you and him … now, I know it’s not super fun, but …. have you considered asking your dad to come with you to Pride? I don’t know what your particular pride plans are (ie, the queer stuff), but it’s possible that you both might benefit from you taking him to his first pride - he’s your dad, it might be nice for him to see into your world, to see people like you who are happy, proud of themselves, surrounded by other people like them. It might be good for him to see that you have a future and that being queer doesn’t mean you’re going to come to some bad outcome, or that whatever concerns he has for you aren’t the only possible outcomes.

He might even be able to see PFLAG parents and learn a bit more about how to support you. I think as queer folk we don’t always see how little our parents understand us and our lives, and we also don’t see just how much terrible messaging they get from the rest of the world.

I’m a father, as I’m sure you know and I do get hurt a little when my daughters plan other things on Father’s Day, or worse, aren’t with me at all. It really sucks. And while I understand that as they get older, they develop lives of their own, or having two houses sometimes scheduling conflicts arise, it still sucks. Dads, for a lot of reasons - often self-inflicted, get a bad rap, or don’t get as much credit as parents most of the time, and Father’s Day is supposed to be the day that’s all about celebrating us as fathers, instead of, like, birthdays which celebrate you as a person, you know? 

Maybe this could be an opportunity for you to let him see this window into your life, to share your life with him and spend time together. It’s another way to celebrate Father’s Day - maybe instead of doing the same old thing, or set of things you normally do on Father’s Day, you can give him the gift of sharing your life with him. You can assure him that no one’s likely to think he’s gay - we’re pretty good at spotting the straights at Pride :P And if they do, then be flattered if someone finds him attractive - it’s a pretty good feeling when someone finds you attractive, right? But you can assure him that no one is going to expect anything from him or expect him to do anything, if that’s a concern of his.I know it might crimp your style and drain your mojo to be out at Pride with your dad, but it might be kind of cool and interesting too. That’s the trade off you’d be making. “Listen dad, I’m not getting laid tonight because I’m choosing to share this with you, Happy Father’s Day” isn’t exaclty a Hallmark card, or the best way to phrase it, but I’m sure you can get the sentiment across.And yeah, telling him that you wanted to skip out on spending time with him so you could go do queer stuff probably hurt him more than he’s willing to say - and not because of queer stuff, or even you calling it queer stuff, but because you’re choosing queer stuff over him on what’s supposed to be “his” day. And asking if you “have” to stay home, instead of asking if it was alright if you left to go to pride, was not the softest, kindest way to ask him for permission to leave. It makes it sound like you think spending time with him is a chore. Even if it were true, it’s not really a kind, loving thing to say, you know? Dads have feelings too, even if we’re not always the best about sharing them with our kids. Whatever you do next, I would consider offering your dad a sincere apology for hurting his feelings.

I can’t speak to your relationship with your dad. My dad and I had a complicated but close relationship and we had our misunderstandings, too. Honestly, this will be the second Father’s Day I have to celebrate without my dad and it really fucking sucks. I’d give just about anything to be able to visit with him on Sunday but I will never get to do that again. 

If you have any kind of decent or better relationship with your dad, do what you can to appreciate it while you have it. I wish like hell I could have taken my dad to some kind of Trans Pride event so he could see that while being who I am comes with danger he didn’t face, it also comes with joy I’d have to deny myself in order to avoid it.

Otherwise, if you can’t get him to come out to Pride with you and celebrate your relationship that way, then I recommend finding some kind of compromise. Maybe skip the parade and head to the gayborhood after dinner and presents to other celebrations. Or go to the parade and come back for dinner and presents and a movie night with Dad or something. 

I understand that it would suck to miss out on Pride. But I promise you that there will be a Pride Parade every year for the rest of your life. I can not make you the same promise about your dad being there on Father’s Day. 

[askmamabrin]

Hi momma Brin. Just had a kinda cool dream and you were involved. I was your assistant and you worked as a part time paranormal investigator, specifically working with trans people (well, trans ghosts) and helping them adjust to not having a body. You worked with living trans people too, I think? But the dream was us getting ready for separate, well deserved vacations so the work details are a little fuzzy... nonetheless, it sounded like a cool job and I was honored to get to do it with you :)

Well, heck. This might be the coolest thing I’ve seen all year. 

I’m glad to provide the trans formerly-living as much assistance in afterlife transition as I provide to trans living folks in their live’s transition. 

I would totally watch this weekly series, just as an FYI, and I have a friend @ihasabutter who writes stories and this particular premise seems right in her bailiwick. I just want her to know that this exists! 

Thank you, my love, for sharing this dream with me. I truly feel joy that you would share this dream (and dream job) with me. Enjoy your dream vacation and I’ll think of you while I sip my poolside rum-and-coke!

[askmamabrin]

Hey trans folks (especially you younger ones)! So Mother’s Day is here.

I know there are some of you who, like me, have lost their mothers because they have passed away. That’s a special kind of grief, especially if she passed before getting to meet the authentic you.

I know, too, that there are an awful lot of you who have lost your mothers because they have rejected you for being trans. Maybe it’s religious, maybe it’s ignorance, maybe it’s closed-mindedness, maybe it’s something else entirely or some combination of the above. That’s an altogether differently terrible kind of pain and I’m sorry you’re going through that.

So, my trans babies, I’m stepping up here, if you want me, I’ll be your mom today.

Mama Brin loves you, and sees you for the beautiful person you are. Mama Brin understands that your gender is not what was assumed for you and assigned to you at birth and I’m so very glad to know you in your proper and authentic gender.

There are cookies in the oven, milk in the fridge and you can have some as soon as your homework is done.

[askmamabrin]

Oh wow, thank you so much for your in-depth reply on my ask to becausedragonage! I hadn't thought to mention it but I am actually in my mid-twenties, which is adding to my conflicting feelings about the things going on in my head. In a lot of ways I worry that what I'm feeling isn't valid because I'm "too old" to do anything about these questions. I unfortunately do not have a relationship with my parents, and could not tell them this when I was 12, or now at 25.

NOOOOO!!!!! MY LOVE!!! NO! It is NEVER ever ever too late to learn about yourself. It is NEVER EVER too late to transition. 

You learn the things you learn at the pace you learn them! When I was 20, I thought I was a cross-dresser. I told that to my then-fiance. When I was 25, I realized that my story and experience did not match the story and experience shared by the people in the CD support groups I was in. Nor did my experience align with the reported experiences of the spouses in the Significant Other of Cross-Dressers groups my then-wife belonged too. (BTW, all of those groups, CD and SO alike were SUUUUPER toxic to both me and her). 

So I came up with “bigender” as a word to describe my experience - it turns out that the word had existed for a few years, but it wasn’t well-known, so I thought I coined it, and I started using it to describe myself and my gender identity. 

When my wife left me, I was 30. I created the forums on bigender.net and started posting videos on youtube, becoming one of the few faces of bigender, if anyone could be said to be. I even got invited to speak on it because of those videos. 

So, here I am, 31, or so, I’ve started taking HRT which I would have sworn five years earlier that I would never do, and I fall in serious crush with a (tragically gay) man and another with a non-binary person. I’d never acknowledged or admitted to myself any sexual attraction to anyone other than women. I had an existential crisis, my dear, let me tell you. 

As it turns out, nothing came of either of those situations, and I started dating my current girlfriend shortly thereafter. Over the years since then, I’ve found it more and more disingenuous to use bigender as a descriptor and now generally call myself a trans woman, and I’ll be 39 this summer. 

In fact, at the risk of oversharing, I’ve been really wrestling with the notion of figuring out how to go about seeking (and paying for) SRS which, ten years ago, even though I could have called myself trans, I would have sworn I’d never do.

It is never too late to learn something new about yourself. You are a living person. You are a work-in-progress, beloved, and the work is never finished, only improved in fits and starts.  You get to be a whole person, containing contradictions and multitudes. 

It takes years and work and effort to shake off the shame, fear and guilt that other people’s expectations have placed on you. And you figure it out when you figure it out. You are a gift, and gifts aren’t unwrapped all at once. That fear, shame and guilt is the ugliest wrapping paper, but damn if it isn’t tough to tear. So, basically, I guess I’m saying forgive yourself for not knowing things before you learned them. 

One of my favorite posts out here in trans tumblr world is this one. It’s just trans woman after trans woman sharing their photos and talking about beginning transition in their 30s and 40s. There’s a bunch more in the notes, too, I think. Beloved, it is never too late. (I don’t know of one of these that predominantly features trans men, so if anyone knows, please let me know and I’ll update this post).

You’re never going to be younger than you are at this moment, so it sounds like the perfect age to wrestle with these questions and figure out what to do with the answers.  But even if it takes you a while to really figure it out enough to do something different from what you’re doing now, don’t panic. There is no expiration date on transition.

I am sorry that your relationship with your parents is not good, or non-existent, but I’m here, and so is @becausedragonage and I recommend reading @trans-mom and @vaspider to find more support. They are good moms. I suspect by 25, too, that you’ve learned that found family is just as, if not more, important and supportive than birth family. 

You deserve good things, darling. You are a good person, and you deserve to be lucky enough to meet you. 

[askmamabrin]

Aw, babe, yes! One of the hardest things you will do will be to come out the first time. It gets easier after the first one, but only incrementally so. So it feels SUPER MONUMENTAL the first time but it's not like the second time is easy, then, it's still 98% OF SUPER MONUMENTAL. It is normal and ok to be scared and, dearest one, it does not make you pathetic. You'll get there when you get there, and your pace is exactly the right pace for you.

Mum it's the anon who said they were gonna come out earlier, I got to nervous and didn't do it, god I'm pathetic

Hey, shit’s hard. It’s ok. Take a breathe and trooper on. You’ll get there another day <3

[askmamabrin]

Awww, that’s maybe the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me!!! 

I need to add @vaspider and @trans-mom @thebibliosphere as wonderful tumblr moms, especially for trans kids. They’re lovely, compassionate, smart, witty and loving women. 

Slightly weird thing that I'm hoping either you or your followers could help with. I am a dfab person who thinks they are experiencing some form of dysphoria. Whenever I am asked to present as feminine in appearance it tends to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong, or like everyone will know I'm "out of place" dressed like that. And while I do feel genuine disgust over various parts of my body, it's always written off as "lol, women" by people in my life. Is it wrong to question this?

First, *hug*

Second, I’m going to tag @brinconvenient because this is an area where she’s given excellent, informed, and compassionate advice. Also, the more tumblr moms in your corner, the better. 

Third, you’re not wrong in any sense. Questioning is healthy and normal. Those people you’re referring to are probably operating within a paradigm that they haven’t explored or gone much beyond. It’s something like the person who’s never ventured out of a small town dishing out wisdom about the big city - any advice or comments they offer on this specific issues may be of very limited use to you. Go question in every way you want or need to - it’s your body and your right.