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Unending Cycle

Have you ever been in a cycle of your life that keeps on repeating?

Have you ever been in a rabbit hole that whatever you do to escape, you still have the same result?

You wanted to give up, and give yourself a chance to move on, but is it really the answer?

Is moving on really the answer or the solution to your misery?

Are you tired of chasing your dreams?

Tired of chasing pretty rainbows?

Rainbows that you thought would truly give colors to your grayscale life.

Dating.

Family.

Issues.

Everywhere.

You thought dating would give you peace, like the romance you usually see at the movies will provide you with butterflies, but all you experience is an unending cycle.

WhatsApp number - chat - get to know - ghost.

You get to ask yourself, what went wrong? Did I go too strong with the messages I sent? Could you let me know what I did this time? What did I do to make him leave me like that?

When you truly think you met this special someone because you've been chatting for a long time, you suddenly realize he always places you on the pedestal. He will only message you at his convenient time, and you on the other side, are too giddy to reply. It only shows you're hungry for love or the bare minimum he can give. Wake up, girl! You deserve more than that!

Dreams that you have for your family. You keep running to achieve this dream, but it shows that they are dragging you into the hole to sink alone?

It's time to build your walls again.

Time to rebuild yourself.

Build confidence in everything you do.

You are far more than a girl hungry for attention or love.

YOU deserve more!

YOU need to end this unending cycle.

YOU need to get out of this rabbit hole and move on!

The world is too big to explore.

YOU are loved. ❤️

[balotpinoy110390]

I thought I’m strong enough 🫣

I thought I’m strong enough to recieve a negative feedback around the people who look up to you.

I thought I’m strong enough to be treated like a small child.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to shout.

I wanted to reason out, but what’s the sense? You got embarassed already.

I thought I’m strong enough, and I would never feel like how little I am.

I thought I’m strong enough but I still feel worthless.

It’s really true that words hurt more.

#NexusTraining #Grapeseed

[balotpinoy110390]

When you feel overwhelm

When you feel overwhelm, what do you do? Do you find comfort in someone’s words? Do you find pleasure in having a deep sleep? Do you find joy in walking in the streets or watching the people passes you by? Do you find peace in writing down your thoughts?

Whatever it may be, may you find comfort at your own pace. Comfort that you alone can give.

Envy creeps at your heart when you know someone has the kind of love you’ve been longing for. Is it great to feel that way? Definitely, NO! But what can you do? Can you truly be happy for that person? I don’t think so. Are you true to yourself? No, cause you’re just convincing yourself that you are okay when it’s definitely not. How can you move past this feeling?

Happiness can sometimes be subjective. In the first place, it shouldn’t be. As they say, find happiness in everything you do. But, how can you be truly happy when everything you do or experience are pure sadness? Where’s the joy? Where’s the happiness? I think it boils down in your perspective of being thankful or grateful.

How can I be grateful? They say, count your blessings like 1,2,3 and don’t think too much of what others have.

So, when you feel overwhelm, or your feelings are all over the place, just stop.

Breathe in and out.

Think of a happy thoughts.

Write down what you truly feel.

Embrace the joy of being alone.

Accept the fact that you have yourself alone as a back up and a cheerleader.

#alonewithmythoughts

[balotpinoy110390]

How are you?

I often get this question. "how are you?"

Yes, it's a simple question yet it embodies your whole being. It's a simple question yet it has a deep meaning. This may be a turning point or just a plain question.

I often answer this question with "I'm okay", but when I'm alone, I would ask myself. Am I really okay? With all the things that are happening around me, all the changes, and all the decision-making, am I really okay?

I often wanted to cry and, at the same time show the people around me that I was strong. I can handle things. I can adjust to any changes and I can survive, but to be honest, I'm drowning. I see myself occupied with all the things that aren't mine to begin with but I have to handle it, I have to show them that I am okay. Show them that I can do what others can. I can solve their issues. However, this little girl inside me is in deep pain. She wanted to scream and wanted to feel the attention and love she'd been longing for a long time.

To cope with all the changes or struggles, this little girl finds pleasure in 5-6 hours of deep sleep, a movie binge, and a good ice cream on a Saturday night. She would ask herself if it's alright to enjoy simple moments like this? Will she be judged for enjoying such pleasures? Or will there be a time that she will just enjoy every moment she has with the people she likes the most? Will there be a time that she will have to experience the love that she's longing for? Will there be a time that she will show the brightest smile on her face and not the fake one?

Will she be able to have her happy ever after?

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It's Okay. That's life.

Have you ever been wondering how are you living your life lately?

Did it ever cross your mind that it seems like you are chasing something? But even if you exert too much effort, you can't still achieve it?

Tired of waiting.

It seems that they already figured out their life, but you, it seems like you have fallen into some deep hole of regrets.

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It's been a while 😐😐

It's been a while since we contacted my love. It took us a month of no messaging and I wondered, "Do you ever think of me on those days? Did it ever cross your mind why I am not messaging you?" but you didn't even bother to message me. Yet, you said, you were busy at the training.

I believe in you.

I believe in those words you spoke but deep inside I know there's something wrong.

I know, you're busy but really? no time to check your phone? Then, I started to doubt.

All I ask is a little honesty. I just wanted you to tell me straight if you still love me? or just playing me? or just making me wait so that whenever you feel something, you have me?

Now, I really don't know if you really love me for who I am, or am I just one of those women whom you found satisfaction from flesh through the Internet?

I don't know anymore.

I'm having a hard time now, cause it's been a while.

[balotpinoy110390]

Letting You Go now

A lot of things are running in my head right now while listening to a jazz songs.

I wanted to let you know that I'm deeply hurt by the situation of you not communicating anymore.

I wanted to yell at you but all I have now is just a whisper.

A whisper of my sadness.

I'm deeply hurt, and I want to call you and ask even a little time from you. but I realize that if you really want me, you'll find a time to be with me.

Now, it seems that I'm so desperate and craving for your attention when it shouldn't be the case. I realized that I'm no longer that confident woman that you once knew. Now, I need to let go of my longings, wishes to be with you and dreams of building a family with you. As they say, it may hurt a little at first but you will realize your worth and be able to move on in due time.

I'm letting go of my dreams of having an AFAM boyfriend. My wishes of having a loving and a sweet partner in life.

They also say, stay single until you meet someone who's up for your love language or up for a challenge to be with you.

I may cry now because of the memories we shared through internet, but I know someday soon, I'll be able to look back and say, "hey, I was able to go through this situation and handle it very well".

I wish you happiness, and if ever you're truly busy, may you find someone who can truly understand you.

I'm letting you go now, my almost home. <3

[balotpinoy110390]

Up there ✨

Staring at you with full of hopes in my eyes. A hope or a wish that someday, you’ll come true. It’s hard to think that you’ll be mine because you’re too far away from now, and I can’t feel your presence anymore. You’re too busy just like you said.

Now, I see myself, crying and missing you. There’s nothing I could do cause you’re so far. No efforts. Just barely saying I miss you. It’s just like an auto reply. No meaning at all.

I hope that one day, you’ll realize my worth.

With all that’s been happening, I just wanted to cry.

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Until when will you let your heart be broken?

Funny to think you thought you met the “love of your life”. You thought that everything between you two is real. Promises after promises. Sweet messages day and night.

Was it just a free trial? A 3-month trial of some subscription? You keep on thinking about what went wrong. He stopped messaging you.

In the corner, you then found yourself crying all over for the same reason. Being left. Reason to give up on dreaming of one day you will experience being loved by someone. Reason to not believe in every sweet word you hear. Reason to fully give up on dreaming of having a beautiful love story.

Days passed and you found yourself still thinking about him. In everything you do, you want to let him know. You wanted to tell him how your day went or what did you do on that day but in the end, your messages are left in drafts. You wanted to send him the message but you're afraid of not getting a response. You asked yourself, will there be a day that you will say “I finally found the person to whom my heart belongs”.

You kept yourself busy but you still found yourself waiting for his message. Keep on checking your phone but still no response.

Is it time to give up or continue? Until when will you let your heart be broken?

[balotpinoy110390]

Dreams are becoming blurry 🫣

Night and day you work yourself to get the life you think you deserve. You don’t have enough time to rest not time to enjoy the moment of your life you’re having right now.

Somehow, you think of yourself as a machine. You’re about to give up but you can’t. A lot of people rely on you. You carry the burdens of others while they are enjoying the best of their lives. YOLO as they say.

You feel guilty whenever you reward yourself. Thinking, you don’t deserve it now, and you choose to ignore the feeling of “buying that new shoes, new bag” because you think that they needed that money today more than you do.

Hey, don’t be too hard on yourself! Pat your back and say “You’re doing great! You deserve more!” Cheers for not giving up even if your dreams are becoming blurry.💪😉

[balotpinoy110390]

Deep Sadness 🥺

Have you ever felt like fighting a battle that somehow you know you’re not going to win? It’s like holding so much to the rope of faith but at the same time, it’s slowly dripping away. You have your circle of friends, and a family but whenever you want someone to talk to, you have no one.

You wanted to scream for help but everyone is busy minding their own business.

One day, you see yourself being happy because finally, you have someone to share your thoughts, or how busy was your day. Your heart finally thought of being deeply loved. Distance is not an issue because you trust in him so much. However, as the day passed, you seem unhappy. Overthinking a lot of things. Bothered. Him not responding to your messages and you considered it a red flag. Now, you don’t know anymore. You keep asking yourself, “Is this worth fighting for?” “Are my feelings true and valid?” “Am I really in love?” or “Am I being delusional about this thing called love?”

You’re now at the edge of your thinking.

You always tip-toe in decision-making.

“Am I making it right?”

“Is this the right thing to do to keep the relationship?”

Now, I just wanna curl up on my bed and cry cause I’m in deep sadness. 🥺😭

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[balotpinoy110390]

At the edge of everything.

Have you ever felt like giving everything up? All of your achievements are left unnoticed. You don’t have anyone to share your thoughts and ideas with. Seems like everything is too heavy to bear.

Family, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, no one is available. No one wants to listen to your story. They usually shrugged your ideas and most of the time, they favor others more over you.

Fake smiles are painted on your face every day. Pretending to be okay but deep inside, you know you’re broken. You don’t know what to do to fix the broken heart and overthinking thoughts that are curled up in your mind always.

Your past keeps on haunting you. Your present is so bare that nothing exciting is happening. Your future is so unstable. You always ask yourself “Where do I go from here? Tell me where do I go from here?” you don’t have a clear direction as to where you wanted to go. You thought of a “just going with the flow” lifestyle, and the last time you check yourself, you were no longer young anymore. It’s a battle of you against the world. The world you created in your mind. This journey you thought would bring you so much joy but in the end, all you have is a baggage of pain and discomfort. Loneliness always creeps you in every night and you wanted to hug someone but all you have is a pair of pillows that witnessed all your adventure on this lonely road.

You thought, “Love is the answer” but you always find yourself ghosted or left by the lover you thought was “the one”. Do you still believe in the saying “We got to love one another?” when all of your friends and family members left you hanging on this downward spiral of a lonely road?

I don’t know if this makes sense but I’m already at the edge of everything.

[balotpinoy110390]

Trapped in the past ⏱

How are you?

Have you moved on from your past?

Were all the lies worth it?

Were all the tears shed worth it?

Do you still linger on feelings and moments that are in your mind?

Trapped in the past and unsure of what to do about the future. Thinking you can move past behind but you see yourself every time being trapped in the past.

[balotpinoy110390]

Overthinking 🫣🫠

When was the last time you fell in love? When was the last time you waited for a reply from your clients or from someone dear to you? During the waiting period, you tend to overthink.

Overthinking kills. It kills the idea of maybe that person is busy. It creates meaningless doubts. It escalates to fear of losing someone, losing your job, and losing everything that you invested with.

It creates a cloud of thoughts that makes you unhappy. Makes you question your value as a person, your decisions, and everything you did to prove that it’s worth your time.

What do you plan to do? Stop overthinking, or just leave it as it is? Confront the person who made you overthink, or ignore and move forward?

[balotpinoy110390]

Emotions get high. 🫣

How to deal with excitement? How to deal with sadness? How to deal with stress? How to deal with uncertainty?

We tend to decide instantly when our emotions are at their peak but remember the ladder of regrets after. We tend to overly express our feelings that sometimes get ignored, or misinterpreted by the people who surround us.

Have you ever felt like giving up? Thinking you can't keep the emotions stable and wanted to express them right away? You have nowhere to go but the only safe place that you see is the corner of your dark cold room. There again, you see yourself, battling with your thoughts and emotions. Thinking, "what went wrong?" "what's wrong with me?" "why did they leave me hanging?" "Where are my friends when I desperately needed them?"

What we can do, is slow down. Keep yourself calm before deciding what to do next especially when your emotions get high.

[balotpinoy110390]

ALONE in a crowded place.

Have you ever felt like no one is around? You have no one to call or talk to? You got a list of friends in your socials but no one is willing to listen to you? Have you ever asked your friend for help but no one answers?

It feels so sh*t.

You wanted to scream and cry but you can’t cause they see you as a strong woman.

You see yourself at 3 AM when everyone is in deep sleep, you’re in the corner silently crying in deep pain. You look up but so hesitant to cry out to God. You don’t know what to do anymore. You feel like everything is shattered into pieces. The life you imagined is now slowly fading away.

At the end of the day, you put your mask on. Trying to paint a smile but deep inside your hurt badly. You’re sad that no one cares.

No one listens.

No one is willing to lend a hand.

All you feel is being alone in a crowded place.