batfoonery

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happy deathday to my baby boy😢sorry I'm late again.

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Tim: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING??!!

Damian: Dick said he wants me to try acting my age

Tim: So you’re having a tea party with your pet cow in the living room?!

Damian: I looked it up. Kids have tea parties. I’m having a tea party.

Tim: Why are you doing this??

Damian: To get a good grade in acting my age, something that is both normal to want and possible to achieve.

Alfred: Would Master Batcow care for some more finger sandwiches?

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Bruce being so done with life because none of his kids treat their medical files on the batcomputer with the importance it deserves. And the worst part is, he can't tell if it's on purpose or if they're all Just Like That.

Dick:

He loves his eldest son but for some reason, he refuses to do anything but put down estimated recovery times in his injuries folder. It's usually in the range of "2 weeks" to "48 hours" but that just leaves Bruce worrying about what happened.

One time, he put down 3 months and he nearly had a heart attack till his son called and told him Kor'i had dumped him and that this was how long he was going to be wallowing.

Jason:

Is nice enough to tell him what happened but doesn't add the degree of injury.

So he'll put down "stabbed" but won't elaborate on whether it was a flesh wound or worse. Bruce goes grey very, very early after Jason is on the field.

Tim:

Gives him just the location of the injury and leaves him to guess what happened.

Could say "arm" or "back of the head" or, on one memorable occasion, "spleen", but won't say what the heck happened to any of those parts.

Was he stabbed?? Shot at?? Who knows. Certainly not Bruce.

Damian:

Only mentions the retribution he got for any injuries he received.

"It's been handled", "he'll never be able to get the drop on me again" and more often than not, just the word "avenged".

Bruce is surprised he has any of his original hair colour left at all.

Duke:

By far the worst one. He writes down injuries in terms of his own pain scale.

Could write "OW!" or "Not Gucci" or "Better than that time Jason hit me in the face with a TV remote".

Once wrote "Non-fatal" which sent Bruce into a spiral because "holy shit Duke?? What do you mean non-fatal?? Yeah I sure hope your injuries weren't lethal?!"

Cass:

Has never been injured on patrol. Often leaves him question marks in her file which...yeah, fair enough.

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As much as I love Dick and Damian’s relation, no way in HELL would Dick actually be that soft on him- like excusing his actions or favouring him over the rest of his siblings.

You wanna tell me Dick’ll immediately accept him and start showing him love. PLEASE. The man would take one look at the angry child craving revenge and immediately get flashbacks to his original days as Robin. He earns newfound respect for Bruce as he realises just how much of a chaotic gremlin he was.

But he can’t use empathy. Because while Dick was mad and wanted revenge for his parents, Damian doesn’t know any better and quite frankly even kills just to be petty. You can’t tell me Dick doesn’t pull out the logic stops and parallels Bruce training him.

The way he grills Damian harder, trains him to be faster and makes him spar knowing Damian would always lose. Because sure, it may not have always worked for Dick but it was perfect for humbling Damian.

When Dick finds out Damian tried killing Tim, you can’t tell me he won’t see red. He won’t allow another brother to die or get hurt, not on his watch. He’d give Damian a final line, a line he won’t hesitate to fire back with all he’s got if Damian crosses it. Dick would try to be empathetic, but not this far.

He’d divide his time, trying to figure out Damian and how to encourage him to choose his own path, while maintaining a strict code Damian has to follow to prevent him doing down the wrong one.

If Damian commits murder that is justified, or crimes that serve a greater good, he’ll dump Damian in Jason’s care to help him understand how grey areas work, but sometimes black and white does exist.

If Damian demands logical reasoning, Dick’ll escort him to Tim so the two can have an intellectual battle (if Tim agrees that is, but the chance to put the brat in his place is always too good for Tim to pass up)

Maybe Damian sees the warmth Dick has for his brothers, how they care for him in their own way and it helps him recognise how he can change too, in his own way.

All I’m saying- They may be close, but Dick wouldn’t have blatant favouritism, nor would he try and exclude his brothers or brush them off in favour of Damian. Dick knows how to be a team player, and utilise his team to complete missions too. Damian needed balance in all areas, and Dick knows he can’t do it alone.

Dick would help Damian, pay more attention to listen to his arguments to the others as Damian doesn’t have much of a reliable data to cross reference or emotional triggers or morals that Dick knows about, so he can’t “know” the person- therefore all his advice will be taken with a grain of salt.

But it does not make him excuse Damian actions, instead he’d be strict Batman style parent who won’t hesitate to take his brothers’ side over Damian if he’s wrong, and will strike back if he crosses certain lines.

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Batman: Jason, do you think I'm a bad father?

Robin:

Robin: I'm Tim.

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battle for the cowl would be so much funnier if none of them wanted to be batman and they were throwing the cowl around like it was the cheese touch

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I’m sad tonight so have a stupid little headcannon of mine about how I think Damian grows up

Firstly, he cannot grow up this is Illegal that’s my spunky little guy!

But if he must (and I suppose he must)

Personally I don’t agree with DC’s tendency to make him Big n Bulky like Bruce.

Assuming Talia really did handpick certain traits, she probably would have leaned towards traits better for being an assassin. Like a more slender frame. Probably not as slender as Tim. If we chart it with Bruce n Jay being the Bulkiest and Tim being the most slim (but still very strong!) and Dick as the midpoint (aerodynamic but wider chest + shoulders) then I’d put him between Jay and Dick, but certainly a bit closer to the latter than the former.

I also am of the opinion that he’s the second most springy (flexible) after Dick.

So, I know with ballerinas the reason they have to start young is bc they have to start forming the flexible pathways (I’m not wording that right but the actual term eludes me rn) bc when you reach adolescence your joints start hardening into their final full adult spots and pathways. I’m assuming that the same applies to gymnasts.

Damian would’ve been a prime age for this development of sproingy joints. Tim and Jay were already teens, so although they have the ability to be damned good acrobats, they can’t develop the same range of motion that D & d have.

And yes, this would require developing the motions. But Damian likely already had learned techniques that required a particular level of flexibility in the LoA, and then when Dick was Batman (and in charge of training) I think he would have leaned towards more acrobatic skills. Both bc it’s useful and bc he needed a way to wear the kid out so he’d stop trying to escape and maybe take a nap for once. Getting bouncy kids (well. Not bouncy, but certainly Energized) to settle down by wearing them out by tricking them into doing cross wheels across the lawn is a classic older-sibling-stuck-babysitting tactic.

Overall this means his muscle tone would probably build in a way similar to Dick as well. Not totally the same! Part of our ability to build muscle is genetic—some of us are better at putting it in certain places than others

So where Dick’s generalized shape is like an upside-down triangle (or, if the artist is choosing to be particularly annoying about the poor guy’s rear then an unfortunate wasp figure—please that poor man’s back…. Shapely but reasonable is that really too much to ask for?) I think Damian’s thighs will be Thick like Bruce’s, making him somewhat of an hourglass (ass not as defined as Dick’s though) although the narrowest part of his waist will still only be slightly curved in (so not as severe as the description ‘hourglass’ typically invokes).

Height? No clue. Smaller than Bruce but not by much I’m guessing. Tall but not too tall and somewhat slender would probably help with assassin-ing in Talia’s eyes.

Although personally I think it would be really funny if he was second smallest (Tim reigning shorty supreme of course).

Features? No clue! Honestly kids can inherit so many potential features, who knows! I like when artists give him darker skin and Talia’s nose. But I’m biased bc I wish my skin was darker (I’m half Mexican half white and wow the pale is Blinding so unfortunately I am aware just how pale mixed children can be) and Talia is like. The hottest person in DC for me. I also like the green eyes bc it makes sense for him to have been exposed to the Lazarus pit, although I’m open to them having been a different color at birth for Angst purposes.

I just think there’s so many recessive traits that could pop up as he gets older. Or maybe he starts out being Bruce’s mini-me and then magically shifts into Talia’s boy. But I like the thought of him having something unexpected like one singular dimple on his left cheek—inherited from Martha and the Kane lineage but skipped Bruce (however Kate has the same dimple). Or maybe the droop of his eyelids recalls memories of Talia’s mother (not that Ra’s ever shared this info other than maybe once in passing when he first saw the baby).

That’s it that’s all! Agree, don’t agree, I don’t really mind either way. I just think it’s fun to think about sometimes.

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As a batman fan i think we should burn the whole batman and batfam franchise to the ground actually. (Not including lego batman)

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Omg. Thank you I love it!!!! ;-;

Someone take YouTube away from me.

Cursed Idea based off today’s recommended videos:

Toddlers and Tiaras. But Talia is the over-competitive former pageant queen who stuffs her tiny toddler son into sparkly sparkly dresses.

Bruce like. Sponsors a pageant and that’s how he meets Damian. Dick gets way too into it (he and Talia have like. Pageant mom beef despite sharing the same kid) and that’s how Damian wins the ‘Little Miss Gotham’ pageant when he’s like. Five.

Bonus points if Bruce doesn’t realize Damian is a boy for like. The first three months bc Talia still has custody so they mostly see each other on pageant days.

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Some questions can only be answered with a mask.

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I think we should give Steph a gun. I think she should kill all of her friends' shitty parents because nobody else will. Bruce can stay but he's on thin ice.

Honestly -I’m so here for giving Steph a gun. Just let the girl be a tad evil, as a treat.

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actually i dont care how much batman prepares, i still think kim possible would defeat him if she had to

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Jason: ROY!

Roy: Yeah Jaybird???

Jason: How can your security system keep out assassins, but not cats???

*Jason holding up a large cat*

Roy:

*cat meows*

Roy: It’s not designed to keep out cats. It’s designed to keep out assassins.

Jason: Well what if the cat is an assassin?!

Roy:

*cat meows*

Roy: Are those a thing or—

Jason: No. Damian tried but Ra’s killed that idea pretty quickly

Roy:

Roy: Did they wear little ninja outfits or—

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🐈

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yo wasn’t robin a blond girl for like a month

+ a robin requirement is that you MUST stand up for batman when his order is wrong

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John Constantine shouldn’t actually mentor anyone, but rather be an example of what not to do.