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blessedbucky · 2 months ago

Text

ℙ𝕒𝕣𝕥 𝕏𝕀𝕀

pairing: autistic!satoru x suguru x autistic!reader

word count: 12.2k (still yapping)

summary: jealousy is a hell of a thing

tags: autistic!reader; autistic!satoru; and featuring...autistic!megumi! (because like he is literally the most autistic coded of the show); ANGST...ish?; and mentioned sex pollen (a curse made them do it) so i guess kinda dub-con adjacent; jealousy jealousy (olivia rodrigo style); ahhh yes and how can we forget the autistic urge to think things can only be done exactly one (1) way

beautiful people who asked to be tagged 💕: @ichikanu, @iceheartsice, @anders-is-being-a-simp-again, @lexlibrary, @ziggy0stardust, @svntsbunnie

author note: so anyway i take back what i said last chapter and am now like just doing moments of 2010 and 2011 (which is when the prologue is set). this chapter focuses on reader FINALLY figuring it out. next chapter is gonna be FUCKIN. like, pining hardcore yes, but the FWB deal getting established. and the BABY MAKING. and the first five months of pregnancy hehehehe c:<

Story Masterlist

[but i'm gonna stay, 'cause i'm your broken dog]

[JANUARY 2010]

Soy sauce soaks through the fabric of your socks. Glass is shattered on the floor all around you. Nanako and Mimiko are in the other room. A part of your brain acknowledges that you should probably clean up this mess before they make their way in here for dinner, but that part is quiet. It’s drowned out by his words that repeat in your head over and over like a broken record. Your lips are still parted in shock. You should…set your face right. You’re going to make him self-conscious, but…

“What did you say?” Satoru asks before you can. Your eyes flitter over to the kitchen table where he’s paused in chopping vegetables. There’s a blank expression on his face. Too neutral to not be on purpose. He only does that when he wants to hide how he really feels.

“Is it really that shocking that I have a date?” Suguru deadpans. “Thank you both for your faith in me.” He mistakes what you’re upset about…

But…but…why are you upset? Why is your chest so tight with panic right now? This…this should be good news. Logically, you know that. Doesn’t this mean that Suguru is healing? He’s moving on. Moving on—the thought of that alone makes you break out in a cold sweat and the hand clutching at the counter tremble. “But what about your birthday?” Yes. That…that must be what it is. “We always spend it together,” you point out weakly.

“That’s not changing,” he reassures you as his face softens in understanding. “I’m going out for dinner. We can still spend the whole morning and afternoon however you want.”

“We spend the whole day together,” Satoru insists as he puts the knife down on the table forcefully. “What about the girls?”

“I was going to ask you two to watch them, but if you don’t want to then I can always ask Shoko,” he explains with a casual shrug. How can he be so casual? Wait. No. Why…why are you not being casual?“And, yes, I know we usually spend the whole day together on birthdays, but it’s not like we ever have anything planned. I’ll only be gone a few hours.”

Satoru’s got this pinched expression on his face now. “What if I was planning on us taking a trip?”

Suguru sighs in exasperation, knowing that Satoru is being stubborn for no reason. But it’s not for no reason. Because, clearly, Satoru feels the exact way you do right now. That’s why he’s voicing the things you can’t without you two having even talked about it yet.

Suguru crosses his arms over his chest, raising a brow at Satoru. “Have you?”

“No,” you whisper. Satoru’s gaze snaps over to you, eyes burning hot. You immediately look away. This is a good thing, you insist to yourself, desperately trying to believe that. “It’s…um…I’ll watch them.” Foster his healing, foster his healing. “I—” I hope you have a good date, is what you should say but can’t force yourself to. The words are lodged in your throat with all the other emotions. “I…should clean this up…”

You need to do something to keep yourself busy because, right now, you want to cry. Not that you understand why you want to cry so bad. Is it the change of routine? It must be. And you’re being childish, aren’t you, with how you want to stick to this little childhood tradition that you pulled Satoru into. People grow up. They…find dates. It’s what you did. Technically. You can’t keep selfishly clinging to Suguru like this.

“Thank you,” Suguru breathes out with such sincerity that your chest gets tighter. He really wants this. You feel guiltier for being upset about something he’s excited about. “Be careful with the glass,” he warns when you turn around to grab a dish towel to soak up the soy sauce. “Here. Let me grab the broom. Let me get you a wet towel to wash your feet off. I know you hate anything sticky.”

“Okay,” you mumble. If another person comes into his life, will he still know you? Or will those intimate details be replaced with those of another? You shake your head, thankfully out of sight of Suguru. You’re being childish. Greedy.

Your face isn’t right because Suguru comes back in the kitchen and frowns worriedly. “Are you okay?”

“Yes,” you blurt. Too forced. Too rushed. He’ll know something is wrong and how are you supposed to explain it without coming off as a bad friend? “I…I feel bad because…is this your only bottle?” Yes. Yes. “I’ll go get some more.” Good. A little time away will give your mind some time to settle. “I’m so sorry.”

“Squid, it’s fine. Don’t cry.” Wrong thing for him to say! That makes you want to cry more! “I’ll get it—”

“I’ll go with her,” Satoru says.

Suguru eyes him skeptically. “You just want to get out of cooking.”

“You got me.” Satoru raises his hands in mock surrender. Giving up too easy. That’s not the reason at all. “But I want sugar. I need lots of sugar. More than you’ve got.” He stomps over. Stomps. Even without the use of your technique, you can literally feel the irritation rolling off him. You squeak when he grabs you by the hips and lifts you up on the counter with ease. “Stay here. I’ll get you another pair of socks.”

“Oh—” he’s gone, Suguru and you watching him go, “—kay…”

“What’s with him?”

You swallow. Duck your head so that Suguru can’t look you in the eye when you lie, “I don’t know.” It’s…half-lie, anyway. You have a suspicion of why Satoru is upset. It very well may be for the exact same reason that you are. “So…um…who’s the lucky person?” It’s an unbelievably tough question to ask. You don’t want to know, but you…feel…obligated to ask. Is that not what you as…his…best friend…is supposed to ask?

“Ah.” His smile is shy, embarrassed. There’s a flush on his cheeks and he rubs the back of his neck. A wave of irritation rolls through you. Why does someone else make him feel like that? No. Damn it, you’re not supposed to think that way. “It’s a funny story, actually. You already know her. It’s…Kuronuma Suzue.”

If you were even remotely smiling, it’s falls away from your face immediately. “Nanako and Mimiko’s…teacher…”

“She’s never been their teacher, so there’s no conflict of interest or anything!” Suguru defends himself. “I…just wanted to meet her since she’ll be watching over the girls while they’re in elementary school and we…sort of hit it off from there?”

It’s hard not to feel betrayed by Kuronuma. It’s only because of your initiative that she’s in the position that she is. A pilot, a role model, a bridge between those active in the jujutsu community and those who are not. Also, double the pay—a check from the school system and a check from headquarters.

The proposal from last November was tentatively accepted. Start small and add more people if it proves beneficial. You want more people in schools. Non-sorcerer schools. Because, contrary to what you were made to believe in high school, there are actually a lot of people who can see cursed spirits and they’re all kept track of by jujutsu headquarters. It’s the responsibility of active sorcerers to report anyone they find to be able to see and interact with cursed spirits.

Satoru has said before that a person has to be a special type of crazy to want to do sorcery as a profession and most people are not born like that. Even becoming an auxiliary manager has risks. But why can’t headquarters try to utilize those people who don’t want to be a sorcerer or manager? Why are those the only two options?

Mimiko and Nanako…if there had been more sorcerers in their lives, they wouldn’t have been so hurt. If there had been anyone to say I see you, things could have gone so differently. It’s impossible to have a sorcerer in every tiny village, but you want to fucking try, damn it. Your ultimate goal is to have a jujutsu representative in every prefecture, but you need proof that that’d be beneficial.

So, to start, you’re putting more sorcerers in schools—first in Tokyo and Kyoto before slowly branching out to other major cities in the country. You told the higher-ups that it would be good for recruitment. If an adult is there to comfort a confused child, it makes them more open to becoming a sorcerer when they’re about to graduate middle school. Also, it prevents incidents with non-sorcerers getting hurt by a child losing control of their technique.

Kuronuma was so enthusiastic about the idea when you called her. You started with sorcerers that were teachers already. She’d just graduated with her degree. She’s passionate about helping children and was excited to be able to impact even more lives of people like her. When you interviewed her, she thanked you for coming up with this idea because it meant there would be less lonely children in the world like you and her had been.

You…shouldn’t feel betrayed. Kuronuma would be good for Suguru and the girls. A sorcerer involved more with non-sorcerers would help with their pain. She’s a nurturer, always bringing extra food for you when she reports in with you because she knows you often forget to eat when you’re working. This is perfect. You should be enthusiastic right now. You’re being childish instead, being terrified that she’s going to steal Suguru away from you.

“She’ll be a good match.” You hope you’re being as encouraging as you need to be.

“A good match?” Suguru laughs. “What? Are you a matchmaker now?”

Thankfully, that’s when Satoru marches back in the kitchen, pair of socks held high. You don’t have to force this pretending that you’re okay right now. “Got the socks!” You’re not even given the chance to put them on because Satoru bends down and starts doing it for you. “C’mon, c’mon, let’s get a move on. I’m starving.”

“I can always just make something that doesn’t require soy sauce,” Suguru suggests while putting a hand on his hip.

“Blegh!” Satoru sticks his tongue out. “I want sugar.”

Suguru sighs in exasperation, giving up on a lecture and instead focuses on cleaning up the mess.

It’s a silent walk to the konbini.

There’s a tension in the air between you and Satoru, but you’re afraid to address it. You really don’t want to talk about Suguru’s date, but Satoru is…agitated. You should check up on him. What are you supposed to say, though? Any reassurances from you would be hollow and Satoru would pick up on that in a heartbeat.

People brush against you as you’re both walking, instinctively making you shy away from the foreign touch. You never realize you’re doing it until you finally press against Satoru, but that doesn’t happen tonight. Because Infinity is there to meet you and that is when you figure out that something else is wrong with Satoru. Infinity being up around you is a conscious effort on his part and the biggest red flag that he’s not okay. It’s him practically screaming that he doesn’t want to be touched by anyone at all.

So, you zero on him, watching him carefully for other signs. He still hasn’t noticed that you touched Infinity. How can he when he keeps rubbing at his eyes the way he is? His teeth are gritted—you can tell by the way his jaw is clenched tight. In his peripheral, you see him blinking rapidly between his rubbing them.

It’s dark already. Snow is gently drifting down. Just ahead, the fluorescent light of the konbini spills out onto the street. Infinity suddenly shoves out further, sending you and everyone else around Satoru stumbling to the side. “Satoru!” Either he ignores you or doesn’t hear you because he keeps on walking, shoulders hunched with his tension. You have to dash right in front of him, arms spread out to block his path because you clearly can’t grab his hand. “Satoru!”

“What?” Satoru shouts.

You try not to shrink under his anger. It’s just more proof that he’s overstimulated. How can you control your emotions when your entire body is betraying you already? “You nearly knocked me into traffic with Infinity,” you explain calmly as you drop your arms. “You need to check in with me right now.”

Satoru briefly glances around, realizing the wide berth he’s been unintentionally keeping around himself. “Oh,” he whispers. His brows furrow and you sense Infinity shrink. See it in the way that people shuffle closer. But he flinches with his entire body at the closeness of those strangers. “I’m sorry,” he grits out.

“Don’t apologize,” you whisper. “Are you getting a migraine?”

“No,” he lies. You know he lies because his body immediately turns around and shatters the false bravado. He clutches at his head with a hiss. The pain must get worse because then he sinks down into a crouch, clutching at his head with both hands, groaning in agony.

“Shit,” you curse. You should’ve known sooner. How can you be so stupid? Looking back now, all the signs of a migraine have been there since you went to Suguru’s. “Satoru—” Infinity keeps you back when you try to rush toward him. You can only crouch down at the edge of it. It’s for the best, anyway. Infinity is trying to block out as much stimuli as it can. “Do you not have your blackout glasses on right now?”

“I do,” he whimpers. “Not enough.”

Fuck. This has been happening more and more. Usually, the only thing that helps him are the blackout curtains in his room and slipping under a blanket to further block out any lingering fractals of light in the room. He can’t possibly focus enough to warp if he’s immobile from pain, but you don’t want him to be tortured further. If only you had something to cover his…

Your fingers brush against the edge of your scarf. Worth a shot, you think frantically before you’re yanking if off, almost choking yourself in the process. “Drop Infinity for a second,” you order softly. He does. When he understands what you’re doing, trying to wrap it around his head and eyes, he quickly helps you finish up. You let him take over, knowing that Infinity could shove you away at any moment. “Better?”

“Little bit,” he whispers hoarsely. He’s still clutching at his head, though.

People are starting to slow down and stare. If he’s going to teleport, it needs to be now before there’s a crowd. “Can you focus enough to warp yourself home?”

“Don’t wanna.” The stubbornness is undermined by the pain in his voice. “Not without you,” he adds. And, yes, that’s very sweet, but he’s suffering. “I can handle it. Got to. Just have to learn how to deal with it.”

“You are not doing that around me.” What are you doing? There’s no point in arguing with him when he’s like this. You pull out your cell phone to immediately call Suguru, thoughts of earlier pushed away by your growing anxiety. You don’t give him the chance to greet you, instead rushing to explain, “I’m so sorry. I’ll be late. I have to take Satoru home—”

“What’s wrong?” Suguru interrupts you to ask worriedly.

“Migraine,” you answer. “Just…I can drop him off and grab a bottle near me, but it’ll be later than expected. I don’t want to leave him like this. This one is bad. We didn’t even make it inside the konbini, he’s so sensitive to light right now.”

“No, what? Why are you apologizing to me? It’s fine, Squid. Don’t worry about coming back. I’ll cook something else.”

You hesitate. “Are you sure? The girls—”

“The girls will be fine. They’ll understand. They’ve seen him with migraines before. They’ll be more worried than anything else.” They have? Just how fucking often is Satoru having these migraines? This isn’t sustainable. “I don’t want him to be alone right now, either. Stay with him. And keep me updated, please.”

“Yes, of course. I’ll text you when we’re home—”

There’s not enough time to end the call on your end. Satoru snatches your wrist, and the world falls out from under your feet. It always feels like a gut punch when you teleport with him, no matter how often you’ve done it. You don’t know how Satoru stands it. And you hate the way that no matter how much you brace yourself, you always, always stumble. But there’s no stumbling tonight because you land square in the middle of your mattress, chest thumping against Satoru’s. Toru and Gato barely manage to dodge out of the way of your bodies, screeching in surprise and protest.

“Why are we here?” Is it so bad that he can’t even control his warping? You’re frazzled and panicked. “Satoru, I still haven’t gotten your blackout curtains yet.” He ordered them for you. Specially made overseas, insisting that anything you buy in the city isn’t dark enough.

“You said warp home,” he mumbles as he kicks off his shoes. He grabs mindlessly for a pillow. Before he shoves it over his face, he adds, casual as can be, “Home is you.”

Home is you.

You stay there, sprawled out across his chest, staring at him with wide eyes and parted lips. Your heart flutters. It’s only his muffled groan of pain that pulls you from your swooning. You can’t believe he would drop something so romantic in a time like this. Then again, Satoru never realizes how awe inspiring some of the things he says are.

Scrambling off the bed, you rush to turn on the lamp light. It’s the same process as always—grab an extra big, thick blanket from your closet and grab the chair from your desk on the way to the window. You climb up on the chair, hauling the blanket over the curtain rod. Even the dim glow of the streetlights is too much. You hope that this migraine doesn’t last until morning.

You switch off the lamp before you sit on the edge of the mattress. Satoru is already moving the pillow off his face. Your hand hovers over his forehead, waiting for permission to touch. He bumps his head against your palm in a silent go-ahead, and you guide him back, running your hands through his fingers when his head is on the pillow.

Mindful of your volume, you ask him, “Do you want a washcloth? I can stick it in the freezer for a few minutes to make it extra cold.”

“Too scratchy.”

It’s that kind of night, then. “Do you want me to sleep on the futon?”

“Want you.”

His answers are short and clipped. You don’t want to keep him talking for too long when he’s struggling to do it, but you don’t want him pushing himself, either. “Infinity kept me away. Don’t force yourself.”

“Too many people around earlier. It’s okay now.”

“Fine.” You’ll know if it’s too much for him, anyway. “We’re sleeping in our underwear, then.” It’s less fabric that he has to deal with. “What about food? Do you think you can manage something?”

“No.”

You lean down to press a kiss to his forehead. “Okay. Let me feed Toru and Gato and find a snack.”

“No. Eat real food.”

That’s rich coming from the person whose meals consist of nothing butsugary snacks. “And have whatever I cook stinking up the place? No. I’m not doing that to you. I’ll be okay until morning.” You reach down to squeeze his hand. “Be back in a bit, but don’t wait up for me. Go to sleep.”

He doesn’t.

When you slip into bed after you’ve fed the cats and gotten ready to go to sleep, his arms are open and waiting for you. He sighs when his cheek settles in the valley of your breasts and the tension bleeds out of his body. You don’t even think about it before you start threading your fingers through his hair again.

“Thank you,” Satoru whispers when you’re starting to doze.

“I love you,” you mumble sleepily. “Don’t thank me for taking care of you.”

“Love you, too.”

Just before noon, Satoru comes stumbling into the kitchen, squinting despite the day being overcast with snow. Still sensitive, but not in agony like he was last night. You hand him his sunglasses, a parfait that you ran to the konbini to buy, and the soda that he’s currently obsessed with. He wordlessly takes it all before going to drop down at the table with a weary sigh. He doesn’t eat, instead putting his arms on the table and resting his cheek on them.

“I think you have to figure something else out,” you suggest softly after you’ve sat down at the other chair. You reach over to rest a comforting hand on the back of his neck. “It was dark, and your sunglasses still weren’t enough.”

“I know,” he agrees irritably. “I can try making the lenses bigger, I guess.” He sighs loudly, brows furrowing, and bottom lip jutting out. “I hate having to get rid of the glasses you got me.”

“You don’t have to get rid of them. You just need to stop wearing them,” you point out with a chuckle. The smile melts away, replaced by worry. “But what I really meant was that I think you might need to get rid of sunglasses altogether. It seemed like there was still too much light coming in.”

“Yeah, but what the hell else is there to use? The scarf helped a lot, actually, but I can’t go around wearing a scarf around my head all the time. People already stare at me enough as it is.”

“I thought you liked the attention,” you tease. You lean back in your chair, thinking.

The thing is that he’s right. With his height and white hair, he already sticks out like a sore thumb. People already stop him to ask if he’s a model. He hates to be stopped needlessly like that. He needs something that turns people away. A mask when someone is sick deters others, but there’s nothing like that for eyes…or is there?

“What about bandages?”

Satoru lifts his head, blinking. “Bandages?”

“People will think you’ve got a medical issue, so maybe they won’t bother you as much. And you can use as many bandages as you need to keep the light out.”

“Hey, that’s actually not a bad idea.”

“Also,” you glare at him, “you’re going to tell me when you feel a migraine coming instead of pushing through it like you were doing last night.” His mouth opens and you shake your head. “No. I’m not letting it get that bad again. I can’t stop the missions, but I’m not letting home be miserable for you, too. If I’m allowed to be overstimulated, then so are you.” You jab a finger in his direction. “Got it?”

Satoru gives up trying to argue pretty fast because he just grins dopily at you. “Got it.”

[FEBRUARY 2010]

The morning after Suguru’s birthday, he shows up at your door with your favorite breakfast and an apologetic smile. It takes everything in you to not childishly slam the door in his face.

He spent the night with her.

You’re not sure who you’re angrier with right now—him for fucking her or yourself for telling him that you’d keep the girls for the night, basically giving him permission to do it.

Guess the date went well, you don’t say because you’re not sure you could keep the bitterness out of your voice.

While he’s back in the guest bedroom, waking the girls up, you’re in front of the counter, continually trying to force yourself to smile. You need to ask him how it went because that’s what good best friends do. You have to insist to your body and mind that it has no logical reason to feel betrayed. You shouldn’t feel sick to your stomach like this.

You cannot keep clinging to Suguru like this.

You and Suguru are no longer on the same path and that’s…fine. It’s supposed to be fine. On your path, you’re hand-in-hand with Satoru. And on Suguru’s path, he’s going to be hand-in-hand with… Kuronuma. He confirms it before he leaves, that they’re officially dating. But your paths are still within sight of each other. Parallel lines.

It’s a terrible fucking morning.

[APRIL 2010]

“Don’t be mad,” is the first thing that Satoru says when you pick up the phone one afternoon.

You immediately sigh because that always means you will be mad. It’s really a matter of how mad you’ll be at him. And it’s been a really shitty day for you. As soon as you stepped outside and squinted despite it being overcast this morning, you knew how things were going to play out. Satoru knows this. So, that he still got himself in trouble when he’s supposed to be with Tsumiki and Megumi only further irritates you.

“Depending on how bad this is,” you start slowly through gritted teeth, “you should probably not come over.”

Satoru sighs sadly. “Yeah, I knew that was coming. But I really, really, really need your help!”

You have to pull the phone away from your ear with how high-pitched his whine gets. “Volume,” you warn when he’s done.

“Sorry,” he apologizes, quieter. “So, um, look…” You tap your foot impatiently. It must be bad if he’s trying to figure out the best way to say it. “Megumi…sort of kind of maybe…ran away?”

“Megumi did what?!” Forget angry! Well, no, don’t, but you’re freaking the fuck out more than anything else! “Why the fuck are you talking to me, Satoru?! Call Suguru! We can use some of his spirits to help search for him! What the hell happened?! You told me you picked him up! Satoru, what if the Zen’in kidnapped him?! Why are you calling me?! Go look for him—”

“Sketch!” Satoru interrupts with a laugh.

“Don’t Sketch me! Stop laughing! Satoru, this is serious!” The volume of your screech sends Toru and Gato running. You’ll have to apologize later with treats.

“Baby, did you forget who you’re talking to? I still got eyes on him. Getting a migraine from how far he’s getting, but I probably deserve it. Keep forgetting he’s got those shikigami to ride on. Hope there’s no normie around because they’ll freak when they see a kid in the air like that—”

“You’re rambling,” you interrupt harshly, “when you should be going after him!”

“Right, right. Well, I’m calling you because you should probably be the one to get him.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose, taking a few deep breaths. It’s days like this one that make you want to go back in time and make your past-self rethink the decision to take him as your boyfriend. Damn him and his stupidly sweet face when he’s being romantic and vulnerable. It fooled you.

“What did you do?”

“Nothing! I’ve been hanging out with Tsumiki! Here, talk to her. She’ll be my witness.”

Before you can protest because you should be talking to the adult in this situation, there’s a shuffle and then Tsumiki is greeting you. “Hi, Miss Sketch.”

Alright, alright. This might actually be beneficial since Tsumiki is with Megumi all day when they’re not at school. There’s no point in talking to the Gojo caretaker since they rotate and the kids aren’t all that close to them, either. “Hey, Tsumiki,” you greet, hoping there’s no leftover anger in your voice. “Do you know what’s going on?”

“I know you’re really worried, but it’s okay,” she tries to comfort you. “Megumi does this every year.”

Your brows furrow. “Every year?”

“Um…since he started school, yeah. I mean, he’s done it more. But he always, always does it after school starts. I’m sorry that I forgot to tell you!”

That…is not the issue here. You don’t know how to explain that to her. There’s so much that’s wrong here, and you really hope that Satoru is listening because the Gojo caretaker should not be letting this happen. The sole purpose of them being there is to make sure that Megumi and Tsumiki are safe, sound, and taken care of. They shouldn’t be letting Megumi roam without at least knowing where he is.

One issue at a time, you remind yourself. “Does he always go to the same place?”

“I don’t know. He never talks to me about it and gets really mad if I ask too many questions. He hates school a lot.” Guiltily, she goes on to admit, “He told me and Satchan to be quiet, but we got loud by accident while we were playing and making dinner. I think that’s why he ran away.”

The start of a new school year is pretty stressful. Before high school when there were only three of you, you always dreaded that first day back, whether it be a new year or after a break. You always clung to Suguru’s hand, preparing yourself for walking into the bright fluorescence of the building, getting smacked in the face with so many smells, and being bombarded by the excited chatter of everyone catching up—

Wait.

Could it be that Megumi…

“Don’t blame yourself,” you soothe. “I think there’s a lot happening to Megumi right now. I’m going to see if he’ll talk to me about it, okay? We might need to talk tonight, but we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Don’t worry. Can you give Satchan the phone back now?”

There’s an abandoned house near the Fushiguro siblings’ apartment where four missing children were found last year. They all swore that they’d been kidnapped by a monster that insisted on becoming their true mother. One of them, a little girl with messy blonde hair and green eyes, recounted how she’d been led out of the house by a fluffy white dog. Thankfully, no one else was hurt when the police went inside to collect the other children because the monster had already been taken care of.

Satoru and Megumi were already gone by the time the police arrived.

There’s been no cursed spirit activity since then. It’s the perfect place for someone to hide out that’s desperate for escape from the world. Megumi has always been a sensible boy, not running headfirst into danger because he understands the limits of his strength. The Divine Dogs are always with him whenever he leaves home. Sometimes, to hone his control over his cursed energy, he’ll keep them summoned even at home. Everyone has taken to calling them Kuro and Shiro, they’re so familiar now.

Shiro is out on the rundown stoop, barking to catch your attention, as if you haven’t already sensed him. You rub the top of his head in greeting. His tongue lolls out and his tail wags furiously. Knowing that someone stronger is here to protect Megumi, he follows after you as you slip inside the house, no longer needing to stand guard.

Megumi is off in a side room, away from the dreadful scent of rotting food. There’s probably more, little bits of the children who didn’t survive the spirit. Messy eating comes with the territory. No one bothered to clean up the scene after their investigation. A sign outside warns of the house’s impending demolition. Megumi is going to need a new spot to hide in.

Megumi works his jaw as you spread out a big blanket across the dirty floor to sit on across from him. He glowers at the Divine Dogs when they immediately go to curl up beside you, one on each side. You give Kuro a stroke along his back in greeting before pulling out your sketchbook to pass the time with drawing. You promised Tsumiki that you’d sketch Megumi’s dogs to show her what they look like in detail.

“You don’t need to talk to me if it’s hard to do that right now,” you explain, voice purposely quiet to keep his peace. “I brought a notebook for you to write in.” You pull the aforementioned notebook out, flipping to a clean page before placing it in front of him with a pencil. His brows furrow before he picks the notebook up only to browse previous pages, scattered with conversations of the past. “I use it myself. Some days, it’s a lot of work to talk.”

“I can talk,” Megumi mutters after working his jaw again. You’re not sure if he realizes he does it. For a long time, you didn’t. It was always the biggest indicator to everyone else that you were having a day where you didn’t want to talk. “Don’t lie to me to make me feel better.”

“Are you saying I wrote like two different people to lie to you?” Your logic has his scowl deepening. “I was only offering.”

“Why aren’t you yelling at me?”

“Tsumiki said you asked her and Satoru to be quiet. You ran away here because there’s no noise, right?”

He crosses his arms over his chest. “Weren’t you worried?”

“I was, but that doesn’t mean I need to yell at you. I hate when people do it to me, so I try not doing it to others.”

If you didn’t have a suspicion of what’s going on, Megumi’s growing frustration would hurt. But you notice how he’s blinking rapidly. In the dying light of the afternoon, what streaks through the shuttered windows, you see the shine of unshed tears. “Stop treating me like a kid!”

“But you are one, Megumi,” you point out gently. “I know you’ve felt like you need to be strong for Tsumiki for a long time, but you don’t have to be that anymore, okay? I want Tsumiki and you to be able to be children.” He doesn’t have to be so defensive anymore. He’ll probably always seem more mature for his age. You can’t count how many people told you that when you were growing up.

“It’s not like that,” he hisses with flushed cheeks.

“Okay,” you accept while holding your arms up in surrender. If you push too much, he’ll shut down completely. “I actually want to talk to you about something else, anyway.” You tap the blunt end of your pencil against the page, trying to figure out how to best navigate this conversation. He doesn’t want to be coddled. You think that even asking him outright might put him on the defense because it might seem like a weakness he doesn’t want to admit to. “Satoru has the Six Eyes. He told you that, right? He said that’s why he wears sunglasses inside?” Megumi nods hesitantly, probably confused where you’re going with this. “Do you know why I wear them inside?”

“Thought it was because you have a weird technique like him,” he mumbles.

“No, no. It has nothing to do with my technique at all.” You pull off the pair with you from where they’re perched on the top of your head. “For me, there are days where it’s way too bright everywhere. It was cloudy this morning, but that was still too much for me, so I wore my sunglasses.”

Megumi shifts, his anger replaced by confusion. “Okay…”

Right. You should be more open. “It’s been like this all my life. My brain has always worked different than everyone else, and I mean sorcerers and non-sorcerers. It was a rough morning for me, too. I was in my closet for fifteen minutes, trying to figure out what to wear because all my shirt just felt wrong on my skin. Then, I didn’t have breakfast because I was out of the cereal that I always eat, and I couldn’t stand the thought of eating anything else when I went to the konbini. I have a way that I want my day to go and if it doesn’t, it makes me so upset that I could cry.”

Slowly, his eyes widen. You turn your head away just as he’s turning his toward you, knowing he’ll shy away if he sees you looking right at him. It’s scary, at first, to be truly seen. “That’s normal…” His voice trails off, unsure.

“Sure, people can shop and not like how a shirt feels, but it doesn’t make their skin crawl if they wear it. It’s not the first thing they shop for. For other people, they think about how it looks before they ever think about how it feels. The same goes with foods, too. They don’t like how it tastes. I have to worry about how it feels before the taste. I hate octopus. The way it feels in my mouth makes me want to throw up every single time I eat it.”

In your peripheral, you see his head drop. He’s staring at the notebook in his lap, fiddling with the pages. “Why are you telling me this?”

“I want you to know me,” which is true but not the whole truth. “That’s another thing about me. It’s hard for me to get to know people and the other way around. Being around so many of them at the same time is hard. Riding the train when it’s packed—” you shudder. “I hate being touched by strangers. Actually, there are some days where I don’t want to be touched at all. And I always feel like I’ve got to…wear a mask. My teachers always scolded me because I wasn’t following the rules and when I asked what rules, I was expected to know societal rules. Unspoken rules. It’s like I’ve been trying to learn a language that everyone else but me knows how to speak.”

His bottom lip quivers. “You’re lying, aren’t you?”

“Do you want me to call Suguru? He’s been with me all my life. He can confirm. And I’m thankful I had him. I followed his lead a lot to learn how to interact with people. If I needed space, even from him, he never made me feel bad about that.” Megumi’s shoulders climb up, almost at his ears. “Suguru’s always been my person. Someone I feel safe to be myself with without having to act like everyone else. But there are times where I just need to be alone because it’s too much. I’m an adult now, so I don’t have a teacher telling me I can’t do things to make myself feel better. I can listen to music on the train when my brain can’t filter noise out. I can wear sunglasses without a teacher telling me to take them off. I don’t have to wear a school uniform that’s stiff and clingy.”

He grips the cuffs of his pants. “Don’t brag.”

“I’m not bragging. I’m telling you that I feel the same way you are. I want you to know that you don’t have to go through this alone.” You dig your MP3 player out of your little backpack, carefully placing it on the blanket between you and him. “I like to listen to this on my way to and from work. It helps muffle things, helps me calm down after the stress of work. I wore sunglasses, too. I can’t make things better at school, but I can help it so that you don’t have to feel so bad all the time. Home should be a place where you feel safe and yourself.”

“But Tsumiki—”

“I can talk to her if you don’t want to. I can explain that you need space sometimes. Tsumiki loves you. She’s the kindest person we know, right? She’ll know that you still love her, even if you’re not around her all the time.”

The tears plopping down on his pant legs make your heart cleave right in two. His shuddering breaths shatter the already broken pieces of your heart. “She’ll…” Both his fists clench. “She’ll be lonely,” he manages to say, though his voice trembles.

“She won’t,” you disagree, “because you two have us now. If you’re scared that she’ll be too lonely without you, all you have to do is call one of us and we’ll be there. Satoru, me, Suguru, Shoko—we’re here for you. But no more running, alright? She tries to be brave for you, but I know Tsumiki worries when you disappear.”

“Okay,” Megumi agrees softly while roughly wiping at his eyes.

“Okay,” you repeat with a nod and soft smile. “Do you want to borrow my MP3 player while we walk home?”

Megumi’s cheeks are dark, but he nods. You pass it over and, as he settles into them, you stand up and start gathering your things. He does the same. You follow him out of the room and when you’re at the front door, something slips into your hand. A smaller hand. Megumi’s hand.

“Just so I don’t get lost,” he mumbles under his breath. “Don’t make it weird.”

You have to bite back a smile. You want to drop down on your knees and wrap your arms around him. You don’t. You simply squeeze his hand really hard to acknowledge that you’ve heard him.

There is something so incredibly special about being trusted like this, but, for now, it has to be your little secret.

[MAY 2010]

May comes and turns the world upside-down.

It’s a deceptively calm start to the day.

Just as you’re about to walk into a meeting with some fresh-faced auxiliary managers, Satoru calls. You excuse yourself with an apologetic smile and brief bow before darting out of the room and answering the call. “Are you okay?” Satoru never calls when you’re at work unless it’s an emergency. He’ll text, knowing you’ll get to it when you do.

“Yeah. Why wouldn’t I be?”

You pinch the bridge of your nose, sighing. “I have a meeting.”

“It’ll be quick, I promise! I have something really, really important to ask you!”

“Fine. What is it?”

“Do you want a lusty cursed spirit?”

This is going to be a conversation that needs to be had in private, so you duck inside a restroom, locking the door behind you. “A what?”

“Man, it’s like you’re never nosy and peeking at my assignments!” Once you were introduced to his clan last year, word quickly spread through the rest of the community that you and Satoru were in a relationship. Because of that, you’re not officially allowed to interact with his work. “Anyway, I’m at some abandoned love hotel!”

“Is that all? How do you know it’s a lusty curse then?”

“Eh? Aren’t you the one that’s been studying how locations impact a curse’s shape and abilities? Oh, and all the poor suckers get chewed on while they’re fucking. I forgot to mention that.”

“The reason I’m doing research is because it’s a theory.”

“Well, this’ll be more proof!”

Ugh. You know he’s right. It’ll definitely be a sex-themed curse. It might be the only emotion that you’ve never run across. You want to study it. You crave to dig further into what about love hotels make them more resistant to cursed spirits. But there’s a big problem. “I can’t get away from work right now.”

“That’s fine! I was gonna bug Suguru to come gobble it up so you can see it later.”

“He’s in class. Y’know, that place where you should be trying to get back to as soon as possible?”

“Yeah, but he’ll definitely want to ditch when I ask him to come over here. He’s been talking about how bored he’s been with just working out. I might even let him do the work for me.”

“I’m going to pretend I didn’t hear that,” you deadpan. Suguru is only to be pulled for extreme cases where Satoru isn’t available to handle it himself. Satoru isn’t allowed to invite just anyone without clearance. Not that clearance has ever stopped Satoru before, but you need some plausible deniability.

“What? Who said that? I didn’t hear anything, either.” You laugh. “So, if we don’t get back in time, can you please, please, please pick up the dynamic duo? I know he’s going to ask, so I’m getting to it ahead of time.”

His excitement is infectious. You can’t blame him. It’s been a long time since he’s had anyone with him on a mission. It helps break the monotony of work to have someone else there. You miss the rush of being out in the field, too. There’s such a rush when you’ve got a curse pacified and get up close, knowing that they could break free at any moment. Sometimes, you just want to crack something open…

Okay, you might be a freak.

“I’ll pick them up.” He gives a loud whoop of triumph. “Be safe, have fun, and I’ll see you tonight.”

“Best girlfriend ever. See you tonight, Sketch.”

Out on the street in front of your apartment building, you sense Satoru’s presence which makes you feel…a little frustrated. You texted him all day, asking for updates, and he never responded. Not him or Suguru. You weren’t worried, per se, but a check-in now and then wouldn’t hurt. You assumed they took time to play around with the spirit and spent the rest of the day playing hooky from classes, but it’s getting late now.

You glance down at your hands—one clutching the high school photo album that Shoko found and shared with you and the kids and the other with a plastic bag full of leftover takeout. You debate on if you should turn back and grab Satoru something from the konbini but decide that he’s a big boy and can get his own food.

The closer you get to your door, the more worried you get. The anxiety is half-yours and half-Satoru’s, you realize. It’s so potent that his cursed energy is fluctuating wildly and his emotions are radiating out to you. No one was hurt. Headquarters would’ve called you since Satoru and Suguru have put you as their emergency contact. Suguru didn’t go off the rails, clearly, since you’re alive and kicking.

Did they play too hard and cause some property damage? No, that can’t be it, either. Satoru never worries much about those kinds of things. Higher-ups give you a lecture to pass down to him, but he’s never nervous about those. He’ll worm his way back into your good graces instead. So, really, what could it be?

Toru leaps from his cat tower into your arms as soon as the door opens, causing you to drop the photo album with a grunt. You should’ve known better to have your hands full. He chirrups when you greet him by nuzzling your face against the top of his head. Cradling him with one arm, you bend down to pick up the album, then head to the kitchen to drop everything off—Toru included.

“No treats until you’ve eaten all of dinner,” you tell him seriously after glancing at their food bowls. Gato’s is gone, but not Toru’s. He gets up on the counter like right now, yowling for a treat. “No,” you say sternly. You point over at his bowl. “You need to finish dinner first.” Another yowl, but you ignore it, instead opening the cabinet to grab a box of Pocky. Ironically, it’s in the same place as the cat treats. A small kitty and a big one.

You caught a glance of Satoru on the couch. “Tell me what you did that’s got you feeling that way, and I’ll give you Pocky,” you announce loudly as you’re leaving the kitchen. You stop when you really look at him. He’s staring at the wall blankly and leg bouncing fast and aggressively. His blazer is torn open, shirt untucked from his waistband, hair a wild mess, bandages torn a bit and hanging loosely around his neck, and there are marks along his neck. “Satoru!” You sprint over and drop down on your knees in front of him. He flinches when you touch his knees, making you throw your hands up. “Satoru, what’s wrong? Where is Suguru? What happened? Are you both okay?”

“He’s…he went to…” His wide eyes drop down to you. You can’t figure out the emotions behind the blue. “He had to confess to…her…what happened…”

Her, meaning Kuronuma. Satoru refuses to call her by her name. He hasn’t taken to the change in routine well. Besides, it’s always been hard for him to really warm up to people. “Confess? Like…as in…a love confession?” The thought of that has your panic rising. Is he moving too fast? It feels like it’s moving too fast. “What—”

“We fucked!” Satoru blurts.

You rear back, blinking in shock. “Yes? We did? What does that have to do with anything?”

“No, that’s not—” he hunches over, holding his face in his hands, groaning. “Me and Suguru fucked, Sketch.”

You can’t quite hold back the sigh of relief. Why is Satoru and Suguru sleeping together a comfort compared to the panic of Suguru possibly confessing to Kuronuma? “Okay.” You take a calming breath. “Okay, that does explain what those red marks are.” They’re hickeys. You should’ve known. Satoru loves to leave them on you, after all. “Alright, calm down. Explain what happened.”

Satoru finally pulls his hands away, staring at you in disbelief. “You hear that, and you’re calm?”

“Satoru,” you start patiently, “I know you. You’ve been in love with me since high school. You’ve seen the worst in me and still stuck around.” He bites his lip, looking away guiltily. “And you look like you could die from the guilt right now,” you add. “I know Suguru, too. He’d probably tear your balls off if you even thought about cheating on me, let alone be the person you cheat with.”

“You have a disgusting amount of faith in me,” he whispers hoarsely.

“Well, you have a disgusting amount of love for me,” you shoot back fondly. “You underestimated the curse, didn’t you?” He nods slowly. Sighing shakily, he leans back against the couch. “Is it okay for me to get in your lap? I really want to hold you right now. You look like you need it.”

“I do.” You slip up into his lap when he opens his arms wide, shoving your face in the crook of his neck. Your lips brush against his skin instinctively before you realize that…Suguru also kissed Satoru here. That fucks with your head a little. It sends a little shiver down your spine. It’s only Satoru speaking that pulls you back from thinking too much about that. “And, yeah, we really underestimated that thing.”

“Did you exorcise it?”

He jostles you in his lap, huffing in offense. “Now is not the time to nerd out.”

“Sorry, sorry.” You lean back, taking his cheeks in your hands, examining him critically. His lips are red, swollen. He blinks, but his pupils dilate as they normally should. Kissing him like that, getting in his lap—it usually makes him start to chub up, but he’s soft right now. Not even a twitch. “Tell me what happened.”

“It was gross,” he starts with a shudder. “It was spewing this…like…liquid everywhere. I didn’t understand until it was too late that that’s how it was infecting victims. It would slip its spit, I guess, in their drinks—”

Your nose wrinkles in disgust. “You swallowed it?”

He nods miserably. “It pissed me off, so I blew it into pieces. It was like this…tentacle monster.” You raise a brow, and he flushes. “Shut up. You watch it, too,” he hisses. You shrug. Guilty as charged. “But the…aphrodisiac…it was already taking effect. We didn’t figure that out until it was too late.”

Your brows furrow in confusion. That doesn’t sound right. “You exorcised it, and the poison was still working?”

He grimaces. “Yeah, uh…that…wasn’t just spit that it was throwing around.” His face goes a deep shade of red, and he touches his belly. “What I thought was his dick started squirming.”

“Ooh.” You understand now. That’s fascinating, not that you’ll tell Satoru. “It’s like those Alien movies. A parasite. While the victim is busy fucking, they don’t notice the thing growing inside them. Or…maybe it’s actually like an octopus. They have brains in their arms. Maybe it feeds on the energy then moves back to the main body.”

“You’re getting distracted again,” he points out wryly.

“Oh. Sorry. Carry on.”

“I’m never letting Suguru go on another mission ever, by the way. He had to use the piece inside me because he couldn’t find it mixed in inside himself and all his arsenal.”

“Use…oh.” Your eyes widen. “Oh, Satoru.” You move some hair away from his face. “You tasted it when you threw it up?” He nods. “I’m shocked. No one but him is able to touch them normally. That must’ve been rough. Did they taste as bad as he says they do?”

“Worse.”

You cup his cheeks again. “Are you okay? Be honest with me.”

“Am I okay? I fucked Suguru, cheated on you, and you’re asking how I’m doing?”

How can he not understand? “It’s not cheating. You were under the influence of a curse—”

“We were halfway home,” he interrupts. “We could’ve…we should’ve waited—”

You place your hand over his mouth to silence him. “I am going to be very clear about this,” you start slowly, carefully. “You did not cheat on me. I—me, myself—am telling you that I do not consider it cheating. You shouldn’t, either. You were with Suguru who, other than you, is the person I trust the most. Do you understand?” He’s conflicted but hesitantly nods. “Good. Now, I am going to ask you again—are you okay? This thing…it made you do something you didn’t want to—”

Satoru yanks your hand away so he can blurt, “But what if I did?”

“Yeah, of course you did. That’s the problem. The curse made you want it.”

“But—”

The ringing of your phone interrupts what he’s about to say. You rush to pull it out of your pocket because it could be Shoko calling about the kids or, hopefully, Suguru. It’s not him, exactly, but it’s the next best thing—Kuronuma. You flash him the screen, showing the name so he understands the importance of you taking the call.

“Is Suguru with you?”

“Hello to you, too,” she says through her sniffling. Her voice is wobbly and thick with tears. “And, no, he’s not. I made him leave. Do you want to come over and be miserable together?”

You pull yourself away from Satoru’s lap, standing up, and nearly shouting, “You made him leave?”

There’s a pause on her end. “Did you not make Gojo leave?”

“Why the hell would I do that?”

Kuronuma says your surname softly. It doesn’t help calm you down. You’re furious already and your anger spikes when she adds, “They cheated.”

“Did you even listen to him explain what happened? A curse made them do it.”

She scoffs. “Right, because people don’t lie to justify their bad choices.”

You press a thumb against the center of your throbbing forehead. “Except there’s proof. You’ve been dating him for months and you still don’t understand that he’s not that type of person? If you stopped to think then you could’ve asked him to summon the spirit,” you spit.

“They could have waited. Gojo told you that, too, right? They spent hours together. Hours where they could’ve been with their partners. Hours where they could’ve talked with you, the expert.” Ugh. Why is she not getting it? She’s punishing Suguru and for what? “You can’t be that naïve. You don’t understand it, do you? They wanted this. I’ve always been uncomfortable with how they act around each other. Do you not see it?”

You groan in exasperation. “You just don’t get it. They’ve always been like this. They act that way around me, too.” You shake your head, disgusted. “I’m sorry, Kuronuma, but I have to go. I’m going to find Suguru. Someone needs to be there to take care of him.”

“Go ahead,” Satoru encourages as soon as you hang up on her. “I’ll be waiting.”

Thank goodness that you remember where Kuronuma lives, even if she’s only invited you over once before. Suguru has already made his way away from her place, but his massive energy is like a beacon when you’re in the area. He’s at a small park, the aforementioned cursed energy relatively calm compared to how Satoru’s had been. Seated on a bench, arms spread out across the back of it, his head is tilted back, and an unlit cigarette is dangling from his lips.

Relief floods through you and the sprint that you’d taken up since you got off the train slows to a brisk walk. He’s trying to quit smoking, you know that, so you grabbed some gum on your way out the door. You’re fumbling to pull it out of your bag and shove it right in his face when you shout his name to grab his attention.

Suguru’s eyes cross, the packet of gum is so close to his face. You breathlessly explain, “For getting the taste of curses out of your mouth and because I know you want to smoke.” His eyes lift, staring at you with an unreadable expression. There’s a bitter twist to his mouth. His eyes shine with unshed tears. “I don’t care about what happened,” you rush to assure him because he must feel even guiltier than Satoru. “I only care if you’re okay.”

He ducks his head down, laughing in disbelief and shaking his head. “You don’t need to force yourself. I can take care of myself, okay?”

This is a very familiar situation. Déjà vu. Him below you, on his knees, slipping your shoes off. “In all our years together,” you start to repeat his own words back with a meek smile, “has it ever crossed your mind that I like taking care of you?” Slowly, his eyes widen. You wonder if he remembers. He does and you forgot how the rest of that day had turned out, how you’d went on to fight with him in the shower later until his eyes and smile are laced with pain. “I mean it! I want to take care of you, too!”

“I know you do,” he whispers and carefully takes the gum. “Even when I’ve betrayed you.”

“It wasn’t betrayal,” you shoot back angrily. Shit. You shouldn’t take out your anger on him, but your tone is wrong. “That was unbelievably cruel of her to blame you like that.”

“No, she was right. We should have waited.” He pauses before looking away and admitting, “She was right about a lot of things.”

“If you hadn’t been around, Satoru would have a hole in his chest.”

His face goes as flat as Satoru’s. “We’d been at it for a long time before we noticed the things inside us.”

“I do not care,” you stress furiously. “Me blaming you two for how you acted under the influence would be like…like blaming a poisoning victim throw up on my shoes or something! It’s stupid and wrong!”

“You’d have been able to figure out the problem as soon as you saw us. If you saw Satoru in the state he was in, you would’ve immediately known something was wrong.”

“Right, and I would’ve had to wait for you, out of your mind, to make it to us in time,” you point out dryly.

“You could’ve pacified it until I got there.”

“That’s a pretty bold claim to make about my technique. Who knows if I would’ve been able to reach that thing through Satoru’s cursed energy? I’m not even sure that I could control it if it kept feeding off Satoru’s energy. I imagine it was probably like a fucking buffet to that spirit.” You reach out to grab his chin, force him to face you, fingers digging in deep. “Stop trying to find ways for me to blame you, damn it. I’m not changing my mind about this. Just tell me how the fuck you’re doing right now. Are you okay?”

There’s a comforting mischievous glint in his eyes. “You’ve fucked Satoru before. I’m sure you know that I am very okay.”

You pull your hand away and flop down on the bench next to him, knowing that he’s…somewhat okay. “Well, considering that I don’t have a dick, I actually don’t know how it feels to fuck him. Getting fucked by him, that I do know.”

He hunches over, putting an elbow on his knee so he can hold his cheek with his hand, facing you with a little pout. “Why are you immediately assuming that I fucked him?”

“Because he’s asked me to put my fingers in his ass,” you answer bluntly.

It gives you the reaction you were looking for—a stunned laugh. “Sometimes, I worry about how little everything affects you.”

“False. I am super anxious.”

“About the wrong things, sure,” he teases. “What if I told you that I wanted to fuck Satoru?”

“He is very handsome, and he does have really good dick game.” You scrutinize him. “Not that you’d know, I guess. I mean, you could’ve had him fuck you. Did you?”

His cheeks turn almost as red as Satoru’s had. “I’m not discussing this with you.”

“Pity.”

After a moment of silence, Suguru asks, in total disbelief, “You’re really not mad at me, are you?”

“No! How could I be? I’m only freaked out because this stupid curse controlled you.” You breathe deep and it shudders when you exhale. “I’m so happy that you’re both okay. And…” Don’t say it. Don’t say it. Don’t fucking say it. “I…I can talk to her more, if you want. I can’t say we ended our call on the best terms, but if you pull out the spirit to show her and I break out the cursed spirit expertise—”

It hurts. To even force those words out, it hurts. It shouldn’t. Just like it should hurt to know that they could’ve waited to come back to you. No, wait, that’s not right, either. Because only Satoru should’ve come back to you. None of this is right. You hurt in the places you shouldn’t, don’t hurt in the places you should.

“No,” Suguru interrupts softly. Gaze set on the horizon, sky an explosion of oranges and yellow as the sun sets, he laughs. “No, it’s honestly okay. I don’t think things were ever going to work out with her, anyway.” He turns to you, then, and your eyes widen when his face cracks into a smile. “If she doesn’t have my best friend’s approval anymore, why bother? The only opinion that’s ever mattered to me is yours, Squid.”

Something happens.

It starts with a simple thought—Suguru’s smile has never changed, has it? You remember those pictures from high school, but then your memory stretches back further. Plucking at random times like snapshots, it’s only more confirmation that it truly has never changed. His eyes closed and arched like little crescent moons, smile stretched so wide and white teeth on display. He gives you that grin, that…

This is that carefree smile that he once swore he would never wear again and that’s just when everything finally clicks into place.

No. That’s not quite right, either. It’s the catalyst, maybe. The first thought of many more that keep falling into place, completing a puzzle that you’d never taken a step back to examine the full scope of.

Did she see this, too?

The state of your heart is truly a mess right now. Fit to burst with emotion yet bleeding out because there’s been a razor wire locked around it with his name on it. Even the thought of someone else getting this from him makes you feel like some kind of rabid animal. Flashing sharp teeth at outsiders, greedily clinging to him, claws sunk in deep. If you could bury yourself inside his chest, could curl yourself around his delicate heart, you would. Who else will protect it?

It’s more than that, though, you’re realizing.

I don’t want anyone else to have this.

I want to keep you all to myself.

All your happiness, all your sadness, all your anger, all your regrets…

I want it all.

Satoru’s voice rings in your head, clear as a bell—I want every single part of you, even the ugliest ones.

You have that kneejerk reaction. I shouldn’t think that way about Suguru. Because it’s not supposed to be the same. Satoru is in love with you. It shouldn’t feel the same…but it does. And that is when you finally understand the truth that’s been there in plain sight for so, so long.

I love you.

Every high and low of his life, every little thing about him, every habit, every single version of him—you love it all. You love him. You’re in love with him. It’s always been this way. That’s why the revelation doesn’t feel like such a punch in the gut like it had with Satoru. Just like Suguru, this epiphany is gentle as a rolling wave. You have always walked side-by-side, hand-in-hand with this reality, with this love.

How could this not have dawned on you sooner? All the wasted years…

…but what about Satoru?

Reality comes crashing in like a freight train. Your hand flies up to cover your mouth and hide the dawning horror. You’re in love with Suguru. You’re in a relationship with Satoru and you’re in love with another mani. Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. The one that should be feeling guilty is you. You’re the cheater!

“Squid?” Suguru’s worried voice reaches you through the rising panic. You flinch when his hand touches the corner of your eye where a tear slipped out. “What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

You’re crying because your heart is breaking. You’re…you’re going to have to tell Satoru the truth. He’s been through so much and you’re going to make it worse. But you lie. Because you’re a terrible fucking person. “It…that was really sweet.” You force a smile. You start scrubbing at your eyes. “It hit me how lucky I am to have you!”

Suguru laughs, leaning forward to bump his forehead against yours. “You’re so silly, getting emotional at the most random of times.”

Why did you make me love you?

I was never supposed to fall in love with you.

“…eh?”

It would eat you alive, this secret, so you blurted it out as soon as you got home and saw Satoru there in the kitchen, a Pocky stick from that pack you brought him in his mouth.

“I said,” your voice is trembling, along with every other part of your body, “that I’m in love with Suguru.” Satoru’s mouth parts, the Pocky falling to the floor, and his shock makes you burst out into ugly sobbing. You have no fucking right to be crying right now. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! I’m the worst person—”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Satoru carefully guides you over to a chair, getting you to sit down despite your pathetic blubbering. He drops down on his knees in front of you, a mirror of earlier when you were trying to comfort him. You’re the worst person, the scum of the earth. He was feeling so awful when the true betrayer was right in front of him. “Sketch, darling, you gotta calm down for me so we can talk.”

“Be angry at me!”

He gives a lop-sided grin. “If I do that, you’ll cry harder, and we won’t be able to talk even longer.” He then coaches you through taking deep breaths to calm down, having been on the other end of your breakdowns before. “It’s okay. It’s okay,” he tries to soothe.

You wail, “It’s not! I have to break up with you! That’s not okay! I don’t want to!”

“Why not?”

You blink. “Huh?”

“Why don’t you want to break up with me?”

“Because I love you!” The most baffling thing happens—Satoru smiles. Actually grins. Just like Suguru had, this is Satoru’s truest smile. “Why are you smiling? This isn’t funny! I’m in love with Suguru! I’m a cheater!”

“Too.”

“What?”

“You’re in love with Suguru, too,” he stresses. “You’re in love with me and Suguru…right?”

“…yes?”

“Okay.” His expression is no longer so silly. He’s serious. Is the gravity of the situation finally hitting him? “And tell me if I’m wrong here, but it sounds like you want to be with me and Suguru, too. Is that right?”

Oh. Well, that goes without saying. Obviously, you would love that, but there’s a problem. “That’s not allowed?”

“Who says?”

“Uh…” Your mind goes blank. “…society?” That’s a pitiful answer. There’s nothing better, though. All your life, there has only been romantic love between two people. If someone falls in love with another person, they’re cheating. There are a lot of people who say that me liking girls is wrong, Shoko had told you once. So, if everyone cares about everyone else involved, then what’s wrong with more than two people in a relationship?

“Since when have we ever cared about that?”

Your brows furrow. “We?”

“Jeez, you’re such a space cadet, Sketch. You haven’t figured it out yet?” Figured what out? “Think about it. You told me you’re in love with another man, but I’m not mad about it. Actually, I’ve been walking you through understanding your feelings. Why would I do that?”

I’ve always been uncomfortable with how they act around each other. Do you not see it? You hadn’t understood what Kuronuma wanted you to see, but you think you’re starting to get it now. Or…maybe…subconsciously, you had. After all, you’d responded with, they act that way around me.

When I say you, I mean you and Suguru. You’re like a package deal inside my brain. You’re both equally the most important people in my life.

“You’re…” He nods eagerly, encouraging you to go on. “…in love with Suguru, too…”

“Yes,” he breathes out. The breath leaves him with a whoosh and his shoulders sag, as if a great weight has been lifted from them, and you suppose it has. Shoko is going to be insufferable when she finds out that she’s been right about everything since the start. “You figured it out. Finally.”

Finally? Finally?! “You were in love with another person the whole time that we’ve been together?!”

“So were you!”

“But I didn’t know that!”

Satoru snorts, hunches over to press his forehead against your knee, and laughs. Loud and free. And you laugh right along with him. It’s such an insanely ridiculous situation that you’ve found yourselves in. And, yeah, it’s a little freeing, too. There’s no more confusion, no more policing your own thoughts, flinching away from anything too taboo. Your laughter dies down as a deep, deep sadness takes root inside you.

You think that you’ve been in denial for so long. There have been so many things that you were hung up on. Maybe that’s why you never let yourself go there. You thought yourself a burden to him and by the time it got through your thick skull that Suguru needed you as much as you needed him, you were both too broken to even worry about things like love.

“Satoru,” you call out softly. He tilts his head up, chin on your knee, humming in acknowledgement. “Thank you.”

“Uh…for what?”

“I’m a little sad…that I went all these years and never figured it out. It feels like so much time was wasted. But…I honestly don’t think that I ever would’ve felt ready to love him if I hadn’t met you,” you admit. “You’ve helped me so much. I needed to see you being yourself, open and unashamed. I needed to accept your love because, otherwise, I’m not sure I’d ever figure out how to love him right. I’d always be doubting myself without you.”

Satoru stares at you with wide eyes for so long that it makes you feel self-conscious. “Are—” his voice cracks. “Are you thanking me for my shitty personality?”

“You’re a little more than the shitty parts of your personality.” You grin playfully. “Just a little.”

Suddenly, he’s full of determination. It’s written all over his face and he straightens, chest puffed out. “I’m fucking you right here on the floor.”

“No, you definitely are not fucking me on the floor! Not unless you’ve cleaned it!”

“Ugh, fine, on the table!”

“We eat there, you animal!”

“I’ll douse it in bleach!”

“But it’s knowing that we did it there! One of the kids will be sitting at the table and I’ll just be thinking about how my ass was right where their plate was!”

Satoru starts laughing again, joyful and beautiful. There are tears in his eyes. “I hate how much I love you. I really, really do.”

#jjk fic #jjk angst #jjk fluff #gojo x reader #geto x reader #satosugu x reader #jjk x reader #my fic #jujutsu kaisen #jjk gojo #jjk geto #autistic gojo #autistic reader #autistic megumi

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