calogic

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“I’m an alpha”

“You’re such a beta”

Fuck you both, I wanna be a gamma *hums in radiation*

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Just saw ‘The Return’, and Christopher Nolan must be shitting himself because OSP are 2-0 in making YouTube video summaries of mythology which are more entertaining than the feature films based on them.

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Let’s settle this:

- Stick gun

- Stick sword

- Stick staff

Which is best?

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Germany would’ve won both world wars if their soldiers had Weetabix for breakfast.

Discuss.

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Just a reminder that Harrison Ford walked so Theo James, Andrew Garfield and Jonathan Bailey could run.

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To Edmund, Valentine’s Day is just something that happens to other people.

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Escape rooms are easy once you find the fire alarm.

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My grandmother died yesterday. This is my favourite memory of her:

We’re all having Sunday lunch. In a few days, I would have a big, scary operation.

Granny: Woozle, I understand that you’re having an operation this week, so I want you to know that I shall say a little prayer for you every morning and evening until you’re better.

Me: Granny, the condition I’m having the operation for is genetic. God is not on my side here.

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My fellow Lord of the Rings Nerd Autistics:

How would you classify loving the movies and books so much that instead of making friends I would run off into the woods behind my house, find cool sticks that could be swords/ axes/ staffs etc, and spend hours battling imaginary orcs and goblins.

Side note: in case you were wondering, my parents weren’t concerned, they were just happy I was getting fresh air and exercise.

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My fellow Marvel Nerd Autistics:

You ever do floor time with Tony Stark’s workshop music playing in the background, and acting like you’re making an Iron Man suit?

Maybe you’ll have a laptop or a notepad open but mainly you’re just swishing your hands around and pretending you’re talking to JARVIS.

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The Life and Times of Luna the guinea pig (as seen on my header):

- born with two rosettes in her fur giving her a permanent mohawk.

- was wider than both her sisters combined.

- became so fat we had to widen the door to her bedroom.

- gained the nickname of ‘meteor’ after munching herself into a grassy crater so big she couldn’t get out, so had a nap instead.

- soon after she was left unattended by an unopened iceberg lettuce. She ate the whole thing then fell into a two day food coma.

- once mowed the entire area of grass inside her run in the time it took my dad to mow the rest of the garden. It was also shorter than the rest of the grass.

- survived the deaths of both of her sisters, and the removal of a golf ball-sized cyst on her back leg.

- became the guardian to two more Guinea pigs.

- lived to the ripe old age of 8.5.

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‘The Mummy 4’ but it’s just Brendan Fraser walking around with Red and Blue from OSP:

Blue is being a sightseeing fanboy historian/ damsel in distress and Red is criticising everything the villains do/ breaking the fourth wall so much Deadpool would be proud.

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“You can’t always use your autism as an excuse!”

“Well what’s the fucking point of having it then?!”

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Friend: do you think my four-year-old daughter is autistic?

Me: *watches the child arrange her Disney princess socks in alphabetical colour order*

Friend: …

Me: yes.

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What do you call cold boobs?

Frostitties

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You know the whole ‘eating vanilla pudding out of a mayonnaise jar’ prank?

Well I drank water with blue food colouring in it out of a bottle of mouthwash at work and they called an ambulance… so… swings and roundabouts…

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What do vampires say to their children at bedtime?

Not a joke, I’m genuinely asking, because “don’t let the bed bugs bite” sounds a little too ironic.